Unwelcome behavior that’s impactful, abusive is grounds for termination
Stress for Success
July 29, 2008


Sam has been telling off-color jokes for decades. His colleagues have always laughed at them -- until recently when one complained to his boss. Apparently, the colleague, who’d always laughed at Sam’s jokes in the past, has a daughter who recently married someone of the race about whom the joke was told. Sam was informed by his boss that if it ever happened again he’d lose his job.

Sam now needs to understand the anti-discrimination law to avoid future complaints. Last week I covered two components of it:
§ The “harasser” must be exhibiting a behavior, not just an attitude. “He intimidated me,” isn’t a behavior but rather an opinion. “He blocked my attempt to leave,” is a behavior.
§ The behavior must be unwelcome by either the target or an observer.

Here’s what the rest of the law says.

Protected groups: The unwelcome behavior must be aimed at a person because they’re a member of a protected group (age, color, disability, gender, religion, national origin, and race.) For example, employees obstructed a disabled coworker’s parking space, which could be considered harassment if they did it because she’s disabled. If they blocked another’s parking space but not because they were a member of a protected group it may be disrespectful but not legally considered workplace harassment.

Hostile or abusive: Another requirement is that both the target of the unwelcome behavior and a reasonable person must perceive the conduct to be hostile or abusive. The reasonable person standard was included in the law to compensate for the fact that not everyone interprets behaviors the same way. The courts created this standard against which to evaluate unwelcome behavior.

For example, an adult woman and man, whose families are personal friends, greet each other in front of their workplace with a friendly (versus a sexual) hug. Would a reasonable person consider this to be offensive, unwelcome, hostile or abusive? Probably not so it wouldn’t be judged illegal harassment.

Also considered is the severity and pervasiveness of the offensive behavior. Unless one-time unwelcome behavior is sufficiently severe, it must be pervasive or repetitive to qualify as workplace harassment.

Is the following unwelcome behavior severe or frequent enough to be considered harassment?
§ Arthur got drunk at a professional social gathering and made a pass at Tanya. The next day he apologized to her. He told her he was very embarrassed that he got so drunk and that his behavior was so disrespectful. From then on, he treats her courteously and respectfully.

Arthurs’s behavior probably isn’t enough to qualify as harassment unless he repeats it.

Intent vs. impact: Finally, the law doesn’t care about the “harasser’s” intent but rather the impact his/her behavior has on the target and his/her workplace. Regardless of intent, the behavior will be judged on its impact upon the work environment. “I didn’t mean anything by it” isn’t a valid defense.

Be forewarned and think before you act.

Next week we’ll look at bullying, which is pervasive but not covered under anti-harassment legislation, and sexual harassment.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Know meaning of harassment in your working environment
Stress for Success
July 22, 2008

One person’s joke is another’s insult. Where I see harassment you see teasing. So where’s the line between legal and illegal workplace behavior?

It’s difficult to know because much harassment is in the mind of the beholder, putting organizations at risk in our litigious society. What your employees don’t know can hurt you so it pays to educate them to know where that line is, especially during heightened stress when complaints of harassment increase.

The world renowned anthropologist, Margaret Meade, best explained the confusion over what constitutes illegal harassment. She found that in all societies she studied that experienced significant social change each created new taboos to discourage once acceptable behaviors. And who could argue that America hasn’t experienced huge social changes in recent decades? We prohibited newly determined unacceptable behaviors into anti-discrimination laws.

But what is harassment?

The dictionary definition is "to disturb, torment or pester on a persistent basis." By this definition, we’ve probably all harassed someone (just ask younger siblings). If you’re truly joking in a good natured way and someone who’s offended asks you to stop, you’ll likely stop because your aim isn’t to disturb. Those who continue intend to harass.

To clarify what illegal harassment is let’s break down the law, which states:
Unwelcome or unsolicited speech or conduct based upon race, sex, religion, national origin, age, color or handicap that creates a hostile work environment or circumstances involving quid pro quo.

“Speech or conduct” means that what’s offensive must be a behavior versus an attitude or opinion. For example, “she’s creepy” is an opinion not a behavior. Identify specifically what she’s doing behaviorally that you perceive as creepy. Is she staring? Using threatening words? Behavior can be caught on videotape. “Creepy” cannot be but what she’s doing that leads you to label it as creepy can be.

The offensive behavior must also be unwelcome by the target OR by observers! Even if the target of the behavior is comfortable with it you may have customers or others who are offended. This throws the door wide open for complaints!

Requiring that the behavior is unwelcome puts some responsibility on the offended person to tell the “harasser” that his/her behavior is offensive. (The more serious the behavior the less responsibility the law puts on the target to report it. The less serious the behavior the greater is the expectation that the target says something directly to the harasser or to a supervisor.)

For instance, let’s say that you’ve told a racist joke over the telephone. A coworker in an adjacent cubicle overhears you and is offended. The aggrieved would be more expected to directly confront you or report the joke to management. This one incident alone may not be sufficient to qualify as workplace harassment, but once you’re told that the joke was offensive, the next racist joke you tell at work becomes illegal.

Next week I’ll describe other provisions of the law. In the mean time, think before you speak or act. And be aware of who’s around you.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Harassment reports on rise at workplace
Stress for Success
July 15, 2008

Jake (not his real name) realizes that he can be aggressive and overbearing at times. He admirably works at calming himself before interacting with those who easily push his buttons. However, he’s not aware that when he’s stressed he automatically reverts to his natural tendencies -- aggressive behavior. (This is true of everyone.)

HR directors tell me that in times of heightened stress, such as exists today, both those who are likely to harass others are more likely to do so, and those who are more “sensitive” to disagreeable behavior are more likely to perceive it as intentional harassment. This becomes a headache for HR departments because even a verbal complaint about harassment (versus a formal one) can mean many, many hours of investigative work to discern if the objectionable behavior constitutes either workplace or sexual harassment.

Everyone has enough work stress the way it is; we certainly don’t need the additional stress of harassment.

And harassment complaints are increasing. According to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission’s (EEOC) fiscal year 2007 data, allegations of discrimination based on race, retaliation, and sex (which includes not only sexual harassment but also, for example, pregnancy discrimination) were the most frequently filed charges (followed by age, disability, country of origin, and religion.) Additionally there were double-digit increases from the prior year (race up 12%, the highest since 1994, retaliation up 18%, the highest since 1992, sex/gender up 7%, the highest since 2002.) These increases may be due to a greater awareness of the law, changing economic conditions (read stress), and increased diversity and demographic shifts in the labor force.

In 2007 the EEOC received 12,510 charges of sexual harassment, 16% of which were filed by males. The vast majority of these were settled and almost $50 million was recovered for those pressing charges (this doesn’t include litigation cases.)

The EEOC also received over 82,000 private-sector job discrimination charges in 2007, the highest number since 2002. They recovered $345 million in monetary relief for job bias victims. The agency also negotiated nonmonetary relief such as employer training (thanks for keeping me busy), policy implementation, reasonable accommodations, and other measures to promote discrimination free workplaces (www.eeoc.gov.) Workplace harassment is expensive and stressful.

“Corporate America needs to do a better job of proactively preventing discrimination in addressing complaints promptly and effectively,” said commission chair Naomi C. Earp. “To ensure that equality of opportunity becomes a reality in the 21st century workplace employers need to place a premium on fostering an inclusive and discrimination-free workplace for all individuals.”

I’m often called into workplaces where a harassment complaint has either been expressed or filed or to proactively avoid future problems. Since much harassment is in the eye of the beholder, there’s a lot of confusion about what actually is and is not legal harassment. However, it’s fairly easy to educate employees regarding what is and is not acceptable behavior in today’s workplace.

In following articles I’ll address how to tell if someone’s behavior is “harassment” and what drives true harassment behaviors.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

When change comes, be part of the solution
Stress for Success
July 8, 2008

Job loss among government employees, construction workers, real estate personnel and others due to the real estate slump and Amendment One is creating untold numbers of stressed out families. Losing your livelihood is a hugely stressful change.

And today change happens faster and faster. Just like people anticipating a hurricane, some spend their energy freaking out while others busily go about preparing, so too, do those worried about losing their jobs respond differently. Some responses minimize the problem while others exacerbate it.

It’s perfectly normal to “freak out” over the unknown. There are four emotional stages in reacting to your change you’ll need to move through:
Stage one: emotions from anger to fear, resignation to excitement
You need training, support, to talk with others who’ve experienced the same change, an empathic listener, and an understanding of the “why” of the change.
Stage two: denial
You need greater awareness of the change, to ask questions about it, identify where you can increase your control.
Stage three: overt or covert resistance (more missed deadlines, absenteeism, etc.)
You need conscious awareness of your resistance, of the possibilities of the change and of your options in dealing with them
Stage four: acceptance and adaptation, seeing the opportunities inherent in the change and looking for ways to take advantage of them
You need problem-solving and goal setting

Making a conscious decision to be part of the solution versus part of the problem helps to move through these stages more quickly. Problem-behaviors that perpetuate resistance include:
Gossiping
Excessive blaming and complaining about the changes
Sabotaging those whom you hold responsible
The overt/covert resistance listed above
Customer service slips

Solution-oriented behaviors include:
Avoiding all of the above
Looking for ways to make changes work
Continued exceptional customer service
Being friendly and positive

A technique to move from being a part of the problem to the solution is found in Mark Sanborn’s “Mastering Change” videos. He uses the Chinese idiogram for “crisis,” which has two symbols, one for danger and one for opportunity. Regarding your change, identify the potential dangers and opportunities of it. Then develop a strategy to avoid those dangers and to take advantage of the opportunities.

For example, if three of 10 people in your office will lose their jobs the dangers include:
You’ll lose your job.
Strategy: update your resume, network more in the community, do Internet job searches, consider another career, get additional education, cut your spending, etc.

A possible opportunity:
Make yourself so valuable you’d be the last to be laid off
Strategy: be easy to work with, identify job priorities and offer suggestions regarding what could be left undone and how to streamline what’s left, identify gaps in service due to layoffs and propose ways to close them, etc.

To cope better with your change put your energy into problem-solving versus problem-perpetuating. It’ll lower your stress and get you through these difficult times better.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Stress for Success
July 1, 2008, Week 216
July 1, 2008

Freedom means different things to different people

Does living with relative political freedom reduce our stress?

Since the perception of control in one’s life reduces overall stress, it stands to reason that living in a country with great freedoms (control) would lessen stress, too.

For example, unlike some countries, we have the freedom to move to any city whenever we wish. Imagine if you couldn’t find work where you lived and your government wouldn’t allow you to move to another more economically promising area. This could lead to the opposite of control – helplessness, which is far more stressful. So, those who’ve lost jobs recently can at least exercise control by relocating.

For every freedom there’s also a corresponding responsibility. If you’re not willing to take responsibility for your choices then freedom can be very taxing.

Staying with the above example of moving to find employment, it would be your responsibility to do research before packing up your family for parts unknown. What are employment prospects in this new location? Is the housing affordable? What about schools for your kids? There are many questions needing answers to support a responsible choice. Those who do their due diligence would likely make a better decision thus have less stress. Those who don’t could add more anxiety to their families even though they are exercising greater control. (FYI: research places to move at http://www.who, “place finder”.)

For each freedom and its corresponding responsibility there are, of course, consequences, positive or negative. The person who does thorough research before moving to a new area is likely to experience a better outcome (consequence) than one who plows ahead without thought and ends up in an unfriendly work environment once again.

So political freedom should reduce all societies’ stress, right? Not necessarily.

There are cultures in this world, it’s argued, that aren’t ready for significant autonomy because they’ve lived most of their history without it. Some say that Russia is such a country since its masses were serfs before the communists took over. Perhaps this explains why the Russian people hold former President Vladimir Putin in such high regard, even though he diminished rights so recently won. It seems some populations prefer a more authoritarian government.

So freedom is defined differently by different people. Who’s to say one size should fit all?

This week we celebrate our version of freedom. Personally, I’d have our liberty no other way. I’m happy to have greater control over my life and very willing to accept the responsibilities of my choices and their consequences. Freedom from (too much) government interference makes us Americans, I believe, stronger and able to cope better with the massive changes taking place around us, like economic downturns. It may be difficult but we seem to recover more quickly from financial dislocation than even our European counterparts, who are more subsidized (more controlled?) by their governments through higher taxes.

So enjoy this July 4 weekend. Exercise your freedom -- or not, enjoy what it represents -- or not, overindulge -- or not. It’s your choice. Isn’t it great?

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at http://www.jackieferguson.com/ with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Stop your brain’s emotional pinball game to reduce financial anxiety
Stress for Succes
June 24, 2008

If you’ve been historically financially sound but are now experiencing economic anxiety, not only are you stressed because your security is threatened but also because things have changed

All change equals stress, even good change. It stretches your comfort zone, putting you into unfamiliar territory creating the feeling of being out of control. When faced with change it feels safer to cling to the familiar.

You can get through any difficult situation in better stress shape by learning to cope with your shifting landscape. In my program, “Coping at the Speed of Change,” my purpose is to show people how to redirect their resistance-to-change energy into problem-solving energy.

When excessively stressed, like when losing your job or home, your stress emotions of anger/fear are triggered more intensely and cloud your ability to think clearly to solve your stressor. It’s perfectly normal. The original intent of these emotions was to motivate you to take positive action. So, after investing in problem solving if your emotional energy is still like a “chemical pinball game in the brain areas that are engaged in emotions,” as Dr. Nick Hall would say, it’s time to redirect your stress energy and slow down this emotional ricocheting.

For example, if you and I are in similar financial straits, and you’re better at not blowing things out of proportion, you’ll be more alert to problem-solving options. Because I’m more stressed I’m probably digging in my heels resisting what’s going on around me. My energy goes more into finding reasons to justify my resistance like, “Management’s always looking for ways to get rid of me,” than focusing on problem solving.

Here are two ideas that can help you move from the emotional part of your brain to the more rational problem solving part:
Dr. Hall advises you finish off “I am glad …” three times in the context of what’s upsetting you. When your financial stress is sending you into the stress stratosphere, fill this in three times: “I am glad that I still have a job.” “I am glad my spouse also brings home a paycheck.” “I am glad I have always landed on my feet historically.” This should subdue your emotions, which allows you to move into the rational thinking part of your brain.
Stop blaming and complaining about what’s going on and instead force yourself to answer, “What are my options?” Ongoing blaming and complaining are red flags that you’re becoming a victim to whomever you’re blaming and whatever you’re complaining about. Victims generally see no way out of their predicament other than for someone else to change. But, to get yourself out of your financial pickle you need to take appropriate action. All that blaming and complaining do is keep your chemical pinball game going. Substitute any excessive blaming and complaining with identifying your options in dealing with your stress.

Learning to redirect your emotional stress energy and the emotional subsequent pinball game it creates will lower your financial anxiety and help you move beyond it more quickly.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Worrying about finances can keep you awake at night
Stress for Success
May 27, 2008


Financial anxiety is at or near the top of what stresses most because it’s your security – your survival – that’s threatened. You probably obsessively worry about it, lose a lot of sleep over it, or escape your financial reality through increased use of alcohol or drugs.

In recent weeks I’ve addressed lowering this stress by setting up and living within a budget, following money-saving ideas, and setting up an emergency fund. All of these suggestions can lower financial anxiety. But how can you deal with that minute to minute fear that you experience?

All stress, financial or otherwise, begins and ends with what you say to yourself about it. So if constantly worrying about finances keeps you from sleeping well, it’s your worried self-talk (your beliefs) that’s keeping you awake. To minimize this moment-to-moment stress listen to what you’re thinking, challenge it when it’s anger/fear-based, and ultimately change it to lower your stress.

Anger /fear-based self-talk simply indicates that you’re anxious. These survival emotions are intended to motivate you to take positive action to solve whatever is triggering them. Along with taking the necessary action to handle your money problems, challenge the following thought patterns:
Catastrophizing includes rigid words like, “always, never, no one, everyone, etc.” E.g., “I’ll always be alone in trying to keep my head above water!” Whenever you use “always,” stop and challenge yourself by finding evidence that it’s an exaggeration. Will you never in your entire future find a mate to share life and finances with? Your perception becomes your reality. So assuming you’ll never find a mate probably makes it more likely.
Pessimistic thinking suggests that your present financial situation is:
ongoing; it’ll never end versus it’s a temporary setback
affecting every aspect of your life including your family and professional life, not just your financial life
completely your fault

Pessimism can be more realistic than optimism, however, it depresses, therefore stresses you, keeping you from seeing stress reducing options.

Challenge pessimistic interpretations. For example, “I’ll never get out of this hole I’ve dug for myself. I’m such a loser.” Will you really go to your grave in this same financial hole? “I’m such a loser,” suggests that it’s not just in finances that you’re a loser but in life in general. Instead, remind yourself of your success in other life areas.
§ Affirm how you need to be: Consistently replace rigid and pessimistic thinking with an affirmation stating how you need to be to get your financial house in order. “I’m frugal, financially responsible, and patient in getting out of debt.”

For survival reasons, the human mind tends to drift to the negative when not focused on something. Rein it in by staying occupied and consistently replacing stressful thinking with your affirmation. It won’t make money appear but it allows you to focus on resolving your financial woes.

This too shall pass so learn from past financial mistakes. When the good times roll again prepare for the inevitable slump that’s sure to follow.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Building up your savings a great stress reducer
Stress for Success
May 20, 2008


Spending less than you earn seems simple enough, but apparently not for Americans. CBS News reported recently that Americans’ annual savings rate is only .4%, versus Germany’s 10.4% and France’s 12.8%, leaving many Americans financially stressed!

It’ll lower your stress to create an emergency fund in case you lose your job, or a hurricane blows your roof off. Aim for enough cash to cover three to six months of expenses. For monthly expenses of $4000, you’d need $12,000 to $24,000. That’s a lot of money.

Difficult as it may be, it’s worth it because of the freedom it provides. So if you hate your job but feel powerless to leave because of financial responsibilities, having this cash gives you options.

To successfully create an emergency fund you must:
Save money regularly. Consider savings a bill that you must pay.
Use it only for emergencies

To get started:
First, pay off all credit cards and commit to never carrying a balance again. Since credit cards typically charge a minimum 18% interest, and savings pay only 3%, logic says to pay them off before starting your emergency fund.
Saving $12,000 could take years so start by putting aside at least $1,000 as a cushion to help break your dependence on credit cards. Use it versus credit to cover unexpected expenses.
Split your income above expenses between savings and investments. Once you’ve reached your emergency fund goal, put all extra money into investments.

The Kiplinger Letter, an excellent financial newsletter, also recommends that you:
Pay yourself first, at least 10% of your income or as much as can, from each paycheck before it’s spent on anything else. Have it automatically deposited into your savings.
Plug spending leaks. Track your spending for a few months. Check out Kiplinger’s system at http://www.kiplinger.com/personalfinance/tools/budget.html. Include virtually everything you spend, including that $2 morning coffee. Once you know where your money goes look for areas to reduce. What can you give up? Cut back? Downsize? Create a revised budget and track your expenses for as many months as necessary until you automatically live within this new budget.
Save extra money, weather from Uncle Sam or a work bonus. If you get a raise, stick to your existing budget and put the extra income into your savings account. Once you’ve paid off a monthly bill in full, continue to put that money into your savings account.

Consider three features for where to put your emergency cash:
§ Accessibility: because it’s for emergencies it must be available whenever you need it. Earmarking money in your checking account is too available. Open a separate savings account and access only in case of emergency.
§ Safety: put your savings into an FDIC-insured account versus the stock market.
§ Profitability: get respectable interest. Talk to a financial advisor about high-yield money market accounts or go to Kiplinger’s free Internet search for the best rates at http://www.bankrate.com/kip/rate/mmmf_mmasearch99.asp?web=kip&prodtype=chksav

Get started saving something soon, no matter how little it is. It’s a great stress reducer.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her

Save money to lower your stress
Stress for Success
May 13, 2008

Last week CBS News reported that the average American household’s credit card balance is over $16,000 at an 18% interest rate! Racking up credit card debt is certainly the most common way to get into a financial pickle. Buying on credit is painless. It’s paying the bill that can cause the pain.

If you’re experiencing substantial financial stress make your number one economic goal to charge less and pay off more of your debt. It’s the best strategy for getting back to financial security. Leaving your credit card at home and using cash instead will help you accomplish it.

Here are other ideas to save money and reduce financial stress.

§ The bottom line rule: spend less than you earn (duh!)
§ If you have high credit card debt consider consolidating it.
§ Distinguish between what you want and what you need. You may need a cup of coffee but you want a latte. To save money buy the regular coffee and put the difference into a kitty that helps pay off your credit cards. Avoid buying what you want so you can afford the things you need.
§ Decide why you want to buy something. If it’s to feel good, don’t buy. Shortly after buying it, you’ll habituate to it and it won’t bring you pleasure any more. Prove this to yourself. What have you bought that you just had to have at the time that you now barely notice?
§ Sell things you haven’t used for a year, including what’s in paid storage, and put the proceeds toward credit card debt and reduce your storage fees.
§ Find ways to make more money.
§ Shop farmer’s markets versus just grocery stores
§ Refinance your mortgage, car loan or other debt at a lower rate, if possible. Read the fine print, however. Know what you’re getting yourself into.
§ Search for less expensive insurance and lower your telephone and cable bills.
§ Drive older cars.
§ Save $100 a month, or whatever you can afford. Give up unnecessary things to save this. As soon as you can, increase the amount you put aside every month. Teach your children to start this in young adulthood. Teach them the power of compound interest.
§ Don’t buy something simply because it’s on sale. Also don’t spend money just because you have it.
§ Get involved with an inexpensive hobby to avoid the boredom that can fuel impulse buying.
§ Shop with coupons (www.coupons.com), use the Entertainment book, and buy things you “need” when they’re on sale.
§ Eat at home more.
§ Buy generic and off–brand products that you’re satisfied with.
§ Make a chart to first track the paying down of your debt and then the increase in savings.
§ Make yourself valuable at work by being easy to work with and keeping your skills current. Volunteer for jobs, especially ones that no one else wants.
§ Get educated on budgeting and saving (debtorsanonymous.com).

Next week we’ll look at the importance of accumulating savings.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Creating a budget can ease financial worry
Stress for Success
May 5, 2008

How far will housing values plummet? Or gas prices rise? Is your job safe? Do you have enough money to get you through this downturn? Stress!

We can learn from smart real estate agents who’ve been through these ups and downs before; rather than overextend themselves during the good times they save more to get through the rough patches.

Unfortunately, many families have not done this and are ill-prepared for any economic downturn. Their financial anxiety often leads to alcohol and drug overuse, physical and emotional symptoms, and even increased domestic violence.

There are only two ways to have more money:
§ Earn more
§ Spend less
It’s simple.

If you’re worried about your finances, take control of how you spend what money you earn. Create a budget and live within it.

The first step is to know how you’re presently spending your money. For several months fill out a monthly spending record. Create a table with eight columns labeled: “category (under which list those below),” “week 1,” “2,” “3,” “4,” “actual,” “planned,” “plus or minus.” Then, list every cent you spend on:
§ Mortgage or rent
§ Groceries
§ Eating out/entertainment
§ Transportation
§ My clothing
§ Kids’ clothing
§ Debt repayment including credit cards
§ Insurance
§ Taxes
§ Utilities
§ Miscellaneous: haircuts, alcohol, medical, etc.

The first month is to track where your money goes. Study your spending habits. Identify in which categories you can decrease your expenses. In which categories are you spending more than you expected? Identify and avoid what keeps you overspending.

The following months are to create and stay on a budget that honors your priorities.
Next, compare your expenses to your income. The greater the deficit obviously the more cutting you’ll need to do. If necessary, to live within your income, debt restructuring can almost certainly be arranged by talking to your creditors before you miss payments (or miss too many.) Your income minus your essential expenses is the amount you have left to divide among your creditors. Call them. It’s better than filing for bankruptcy, which 2005 legislation made more difficult.

Be balanced in your approach, however. Don’t obsessively keep track of your expenditures year after year. The fear that drives this can also block your ability to think creatively on how to earn more and spend less. Also, even Debtors Anonymous recommends that you not totally deprive yourself when getting your finances in order. Set aside a small amount of money each month, within your new budget, of course, for special things for yourself and family.

Next week we’ll look at a plethora of ideas on how to cut expenses to keep you living within your means.

Suze Orman says, “… to have the capacity to take control of our lives – regardless of our bank accounts – commit to making the right (spending) decisions for ourselves and our family … (putting us) on the road to happiness. When you’re happy, you create your own financial stability by living within your means.”

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

How do you handle your money and credit?
You have to see bad habits to break them
Stress for Success
April 29, 2009


Many Americans are losing sleep these days as they struggle to keep themselves financially afloat.

A major cause of financial anxiety is giving into Madison Avenue’s relentless enticement to spend, spend, spend. This may be great for the economy but it’s lousy for some peoples’ financial viability.

If you tend to overspend, see if any of the following five spending habits identified by LaToya Irby (http://credit.about.com/mbiopage.htm ) are leading you to burdensome debt.

Habit #1: spending more money than you make. To subsidize this habit you dip into savings, get a home equity loan, or make minimum payments on credit cards. These choices may get you through a brief downturn after which you can recover. However if this is an ongoing pattern you’ll dig a deeper and deeper debt hole eventually leaving it difficult to climb out of.
Habit #2 (which facilitates Habit #1): using credit cards for everyday purchases, something many do to earn frequent flier miles. My husband and I do this but we pay off our credit card balance every month, a good habit we’ve continued since 1986. If you don’t pay yours off every month then consider using cash only for weekly purchases like groceries and gas. It’s less convenient but safer for staying within your budget.
Habit #3: being a shopaholic. The best way to disarm this habit is to leave your credit cards at home and carry only as much cash with you as you can truthfully afford to spend. So when you lust after something that costs $200 and you only have $60 with you, to buy it you’d have to go all the way home to get your credit card then all the way back to the store to buy it, leaving you plenty of time to rethink your acquisition. Or do as a friend does. She postpones some purchase decisions until she has slept on it.

Another friend discovered that frequently she’d lose interest in a recent purchase that at the time she just had to have. She disciplined herself to buy only that for which she could pay in full without using savings. This helped her reduce impulse buying.
Habit #4: use new credit cards to pay off old ones. This just shuffles debt around and incurs more expenses each time you do it. Don’t be fooled, transferring a balance from one credit card to another invariably involves transaction fees, leaving you worse off than before you began.
Habit #5: you spend money you don’t have, which is the essence of the previous habits. The obvious solution for this, therefore for all of these habits, is to create and live by a budget that your income can handle.

Do any of these habits sound familiar? Knowing your worst spending patterns gives you a head start in changing them.

Get control of your spending before it’s too late. In my next article (in two weeks) we’ll look at budgeting and a myriad of ways to save money.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Financial stress is increasing
Stress for Success
April 22, 2008

There’s a sense of economic unease in America. Some are losing jobs and/or homes while others are tightening their belts. Over half of all workers report having money difficulties and subsequent health problems, such as depression. 2005 legislation made it more difficult to eliminate credit card debt leaving more Americans in a stressful financial corner.

There’s no doubt that financial stress can cause health problems:
§ Trouble sleeping is common and if it continues too long it depresses the immune system, increases moodiness, and negatively affects cognitive abilities.
§ A sense of helplessness increases along with rising debt, adding to your stress because you see limited options in dealing with it.
§ Cutting budgetary corners leads some to eat less healthfully or put off medical treatment.
§ High financial stress along with poor coping abilities increases the development of periodontal disease by twofold, according to a 1999 study in the Journal of Periodontology.
§ Unhealthy coping behaviors like over-drinking, smoking, and eating lead to a host of well documented physical problems.

Extra money doesn’t necessarily solve your financial concerns, make you happier nor reduce your stress. Don’t waste your energy hoping for it. Having an infusion of cash is great but the “happiness” it brings is temporary. You’d “habituate” to it, which eliminates the happiness bump. Just ask lottery winners. And, typically you’d increase spending to adjust to the extra income, possibly landing you in the same stressful boat. Instead of wishing and hoping for more money your energy is better spent more effectively managing what you have.

An important first step is to assess the severity of your financial troubles. Jeremy Vohwinkle (http://financialplan.about.com/mbiopage.htm) offers the following warning signs that you’re in over your head. You:
§ have no savings
§ make minimum credit card payments
§ continue to buy with your credit cards while trying to pay them off
§ have at least one credit card that’s near or over the credit limit
§ pay some bills late
§ don’t know how much debt you have
§ use cash advances from your credit cards to pay other bills
§ bounce checks or overdraw your bank accounts
§ have been denied credit
§ lie to friends or family about your spending and debt
Denying that you have a significant and mounting cash problem only perpetuates it and the related stress. The first step to getting out of financial difficulty is to admit that you’re experiencing it. Seek help if you cannot bail yourself out on your own. Vohwinkle recommends going to http://financialplan.about.com/od/creditdebtmanagement/qt/DebtAnonymous.htm .
Learn to be financially in charge, which increases your personal control, which automatically lowers your stress. Being in control also allows you to be more grateful for what you have vs. pining for what you don’t have, which can dramatically decrease unnecessary debt. Being in control expands your intrinsic self-worth, a much more reliable source than extrinsic self-worth, such as buying cars, homes and clothes.

Next week we’ll explore some of the habits that can back you into a financial stress corner.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Develop good friendship with yourself
Stress for Success
April 8, 2008


You’ve just met someone you want to ask out, but you immediately put on the brakes. “She’d never go out with me. I’m an idiot!”

Are you your own worst critic? If so, welcome to the human race. Shad Helmstetter, author of “What to say When You Talk to Yourself,” finds that 80% of the average person’s self-talk is negative!

Who would want a friend who talks to you like you talk to yourself? Good question.

With a derogatory self-concept, not only will you be stressed, but in the above example you probably wouldn’t act. Even if you did work up the courage to ask her out, you’d nonverbally communicate low self-esteem, making you less attractive so she’d be less interested in you, making you right - she’d never go out with you.

Over the past weeks I’ve addressed the importance of friends, who enhance your life while improving your mental and physical health. At the core of your ability to attract good friends is being a good friend to yourself.

Listen to your internal dialogue to assess if you’re a good friend to yourself or not. Do you compliment yourself when you do something well? Or, are you difficult to please? When you mess up do you forgive yourself? Or do you demand perfection and still hurl disparaging remarks your way?

Another way to tell how much you respect yourself is by your level of self-care. Do you work relentlessly with no rest? Do you feel guilty when you take care of yourself? Do you allow others calling you “selfish” keep you from nurturing yourself?

For most of us, the truth is that if you don’t take care of yourself, no one else will. So, here are some ideas to enhance your relationship with yourself:
§ Talk respectfully and honestly to yourself. This will make you more attractive to others because your enhanced self-esteem communicates through your nonverbal communication.
§ When you’ve made a mistake, instead of thinking, “I’m stupid,” say, “What I did wasn’t too bright but I’m smart and will learn from this.”
§ Turn off TV one night a week and do something that interests you. Put yourself in the company of others who enjoy the same thing. You’ll be more interested, therefore more interesting.
§ Get enough rest. The more stressed you are the more you need to take regular time, at least 15 minutes a day, to rest and recoup your energy.
§ Recognize and compliment your own productive efforts, whether or not anyone else does.
§ Show respect for your body by limiting bad habits, especially those that are unhealthy, like too much drinking, eating, etc.
§ Accept compliments from others rather than downplay your role. Say, “thank you,” while biting your tongue to keep from disparaging your contributions.

Before you can expect others to befriend you, you must be a good friend to yourself; be kind, supportive, loving, gentle, forgiving and honest. Treat yourself as you want your best friend to treat to you.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Making friends can help reduce your stress level
Stress for Success
April 1, 2008


“In the cookies of life, friends are the chocolate chips,” says a couch pillow. Friends are what’s sweet and special in life, plus they help reduce your stress.

University of Pittsburgh stress research found that “social support reduces cardiovascular reactivity to psychological challenges.” There's something calming about having friends when you’re stressed.

Often, however, those in most need of friendship spend inordinate amounts of time in solo, passive pursuits. A survey by PA State University and University of MD found that adults who average 16 hours/week of TV were the least likely to socialize with friends, take classes or play sports.

So, instead, take a risk and try these ideas to expand your support system:
§ Don’t wait for someone else to make the first move. Initiate get-togethers with those you think you could be friends with. It won’t always pan out but when it does, it’s so worth it.
§ Follow your interests and meet like-minded people by joining groups that already appeal to you, like a college class or a political cause.
§ Be discerning about whom to befriend. Someone who’s not supportive of you causes more stress versus reduces it.
§ Accept that relationships are two-way streets. To receive unconditional love and supportive attention you must give it.
§ Don’t overwhelm someone with phone calls or invitations. Consider that if they’re not getting back to you after a few attempts it may be their way of saying they’re not interested.
§ Walk your pet, join a gym and seek out opportunities to chat with others. Don’t pressure anyone to be your friend; just let conversations evolve. If there’s potential for friendship it’ll emerge.
§ Accept others’ invitations to events even if you fear you won’t know anyone. The worst case scenario is you become bored and leave early.
§ Open yourself up to conversations. Don’t put your conversational partner through a friendship test, just enjoy talking.
§ Be visible in your neighborhood. Sit on the front porch, take walks, go to sponsored community activities; get to know your neighbors.
§ If you know you have personality traits that historically turned off friends, work to reduce them or develop a sense of humor about them. Poke fun at your own tendency to complain or to be needy.

Be sure to nurture your present relationships, too:
§ Remember your friends’ special days. Stay in touch with them through lunches, calls and emails. Show your concern and support by checking in when they’re down or ill.
§ Be a good listener, rather than talking too much, especially when you know your friend needs someone.
§ Avoid competition unless it’s the fun kind that men tend to have. Be happy for his successes versus being jealous of them.
§ Let your loved ones know that you appreciate them and what they do for you.

Friends help you get through the stressful times, they offer you a sense of belonging, of security, help you avoid loneliness, and increase your self-esteem. Along with family, what could be better?

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Relationships good for health
Stress for Success
March 25, 2008


I have no doubt that emotional closeness with others is good for your health. As a young child it always fascinated me when I was sick how much better I felt when my mother was sitting at my bedside comforting me. Did her presence exert only the placebo effect or is there actual physiological healing due to someone’s empathetic presence?

There’s research that supports the link between relationships and physical health for people who have strong personal ties (like marriage, close family and friends, and/or involvement in social and religious groups.) It has been found that they recover more quickly from disease and live longer.

Social neuroscience, the study of how the brain referees social interactions, is adding to our understanding of how this might work.

"Mirror neurons" in the brain have been found to track the emotional flow and even intentions of the person we’re with. Then our own brains duplicate this perceived state by stimulating the same brain areas activated in the other person. It seems that this facilitates interpersonal synchronization of physiological changes.

Mirror neurons might explain why we tend to "catch" other people's emotional states. They may also explain rapport, the unconscious mirroring of another’s nonverbal behaviors and vocal patterns as you interact. The more you mirror one another the more in rapport you are, therefore the more trusting and cooperative you’ll be.

Harmonization of brain states, emotions and cardiovascular reactions between people have been studied in mothers and their infants, spouses arguing and people in meetings. Lisa M. Diamond and Lisa G. Aspinwall, a University of Utah psychologist, have reviewed decades’ worth of data and have found that emotional closeness allows the biology of one person to influence another’s.

As the University of Chicago’s John T. Cacioppo, director of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience, says, “In short, my hostility bumps up your blood pressure, your nurturing love lowers mine," making us each other's biological enemies or allies.

Even though there’s no definitive evidence that we affect each other’s physical reactions, consider these findings:
§ Women who waited alone for an electric shock during a functional magnetic resonance imaging study experienced heightened anxiety and a greater release of stress hormones versus women whose husbands held their hands. These women felt calm and their brains quieted, according to James A. Coan’s report last year in Psychophysiology. However, a woman whose hand was held by a stranger while she waited experienced little relief.
§ It’s also known that social rejection activates the zones of the brain that generate physical pain.
§ Sheldon Cohen, psychologist at Carnegie-Mellon University who studies the effects of personal connections on health, finds that a hospital patient's family and friends help by just visiting, whether or not they quite know what to say.

Close relationships, it seems, are important to your health and resiliency to illness. To protect yourself, keep your relationships in good shape. Surround yourself with people who are your biological allies and avoid or insulate yourself from those who are your enemies.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Nurture your friendships to lower your stress
Stress for Success
March 18, 2008

Eight of my best girlfriends and I enjoyed a wonderful brunch together one recent Saturday to celebrate our Colorado friend’s visit. The next day we kayaked the Orange River with our husbands and then returned to my house for a birthday party and dinner. So much went on between us that was so very good and healthy.

We swapped stories about the good and not so good events in our lives. We poked fun at each other as well as at ourselves. We gave advice. We just listened. We cried. We laughed, and sometimes we laughed so hard we cried. Through everything, we communicated our love and acceptance that have spanned 26 years.

There are an even dozen of us in this circle of female friends. Our love and closeness also extend to everyone’s husbands and children. We've been through decades of ups and downs and are closer because of it. We’re very aware of our great fortune.

Friendships like these don't just happen, they require lots of investment. "What goes around comes around;" to receive unconditional love and support from others you must also give it.

Great relationships are fun and supportive as well as good for your health.

According to the Mayo Clinic having close friends and family on whom you can depend has extensive health benefits. Friendship allows you to connect with others, increasing your sense of belonging, purpose and self-esteem, which promotes mental wellness. Having trustworthy friends to share your life also reduces your unhealthy reactions to stressful events.

You don't have time, you say, to nurture friendships? This is true only if you think it is. If you value friendship enough you'll make the time. Even during our child-raising-phases we scheduled near monthly events for just the girls and many weekend events for the families. Not everyone attended everything but mostly we did.

It's hard to make new friends, you counter? Perhaps, but it's worth figuring out a way to find and nurture them. This circle of friends came together in the early 1980s when we were involved in common community causes. We all joined organizations out of our commitment and passion to these social causes and through them we met each other.

It took the initiative of one of the women to invite the rest of us together for the first time. We had a raucous and fun time from the very beginning. It took this same person to get us all back together time and again, until the group energy eventually took on a life of its own. And here we are 26 years later, with more wrinkles, some new husbands, and eternal gratefulness for each other.

You don't have to have a dozen close friends. One or two will do. But you need friends outside of your family for objectivity, variety and potential for growth.

In following weeks we'll consider the research regarding why friendships are good for you and how to go about finding them.

In the meantime, be a very good friend to yourself.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Sunlight is a good source of vitamin D
Stress for Success
March 11, 2008


How much, if any, unprotected sunshine is good for you?

How much sunshine puts you at risk for skin cancer? Does too little rob you of its health-enhancing benefits?

Since most living things require sunshine it only makes sense that our bodies do, too.

"Modern … work routines have curbed our exposure to sunlight," says Daniel Kripke, psychiatry professor, University of California at San Diego. He found San Diegans average less than an hour a day outside, which may be bad for their health.

Edward Giovannucci of Harvard’s School of Public Health worries that "Our scrupulous avoidance of the sun may have inadvertently led to widespread vitamin D deficiencies."

Michael Holick, world-renowned vitamin D expert and professor of medicine at Boston University, adds, "The message from dermatologists never to expose yourself directly to sunlight is itself hazardous to your health. It has put the population at risk for vitamin D deficiency," especially the frail elderly and dark-skinned people living at high latitudes or in cloudy climates.

Last week I wrote about mounting research regarding the role of sunlight and cancer development. Briefly, if you live at high latitudes, you're more likely to suffer and die from cancers of the colon, pancreas, prostate, ovaries and breast. Raising blood levels of vitamin D reduces the incidence of colorectal cancer by half. Also, women with the highest amounts of vitamin D had the lowest risk of breast cancer.

A 2006 study led Holick compared tumor growth in mice with low levels of vitamin D and mice with high levels. "The tumors took off in the vitamin D-deficient mice." By the study's end, they were 80% larger than the ones in the vitamin D-sufficient mice.

The evidence of vitamin D's effects is so strong that some scientists say the best thing to protect against cancer, apart from not smoking and avoiding excessive alcohol, is to get enough vitamin D. Unfiltered sunlight for at least a few minutes daily fights heart disease, cancer, autoimmune disorders and even depression. Some research suggests it may even add seven years to your life!

NIH sponsored a conference on this topic in September. Barbara Gilchrest, chief of dermatology at Boston University said, "There’s still no consensus on the optimal amount. But there’s consensus on how people should get more of the vitamin, through supplements ..."

Holick agrees that supplements would be the easiest solution. He takes 1400 IU per day himself. But he still promotes sunlight because there are at least three other photoproducts not available in supplements. He doesn’t endorse tanning but says, "You can get sufficient vitamin D ... by exposing your arms and legs to the midday sun for only 10 to 15 minutes."

But those who are fair-skinned, tan poorly and freckle easily are vulnerable to burning. Gilchrest says, "For them, even a little sun carries a much greater risk of skin damage. (They’re) already getting all the sun they need from their daily activities.”

Stay tuned for additional research. In the meantime, if you tan well, consider small amounts of daily direct sunlight to function more healthfully and maybe to live longer.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops (like Slow Down You Move Too Fast at FGCU on March19) on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Cancer news about sunlight isn’t all bad
Stress for Success
March 4, 2008


Is the sun more friend or foe? 1960s researchers found both higher rates of cancer in regions with less sunlight and more melanoma where there’s greater sunshine. The “foe” research has dominated warning us ever since to slather on the sunblock. Recently, however, some are questioning the wisdom of too much sun avoidance.

Sunshine is definitely the biggest source of vitamin D, which builds strong bones. But vitamin D also helps regulate almost every physical system, leading some scientists to advise that some unprotected sun exposure can be vitally important in preventing autoimmune disorders, cardiovascular disease and even cancer, sending shockwaves through skin cancer professionals.

Consider some of the research:
§ If you live at high latitudes you're more likely to develop and die from cancers of the colon, pancreas, prostate, ovaries, and breast leading to the possibility that direct sunlight protects against cancer.
§ In 1980, mortality rates from colon cancer deaths in the United States were the highest for those with the least amount of natural light exposure - in big cities and in rural areas at high latitudes suggesting a link to vitamin D.

The evidence is so convincing that some scientists say the most effective way to protect against cancer, besides not smoking and moderating alcohol use, is to get enough vitamin D.

It’s also now known that most tissues and cells, including in the colon, breast, immune system, and the brain, have receptors for vitamin D. Beyond producing calcium, vitamin D stimulates the secretion of insulin, impacts the immune system, and helps to regulate how cells grow, mature, reproduce, differentiate and die. "There's good evidence that every cell and tissue in the body needs vitamin D for optimal function," says Michael Holick, world-renowned vitamin D expert and professor of medicine at Boston University.

§ Vitamin D suppresses autoimmune reactions, perhaps explaining why multiple sclerosis, a disease thought to cause immune cells to attack the body's own nerve cells, is 50% lower in people who live in latitudes below 35°.
§ Hypertension and cardiovascular disease are more prevalent at higher latitudes and among those with dark skin pigmentation, which limits skin manufacture of vitamin D.
§ In a 1998 Holick experiment, hypertensive patients were treated with ultraviolet light three times a week for nine weeks increasing their vitamin D levels by 180% and returning their blood pressure to normal.

Europeans researching vitamin D compared death rates of those receiving the vitamin with those taking a placebo. "The results were remarkable," says Edward Giovannucci of Harvard’s School of Public Health. "People taking supplements of 300-2000 IU of vitamin D had a statistically significant reduction in mortality from any cause." The study also revealed no downsides to these doses.

Others caution that this evidence only shows association, not cause and effect, just like with beta-carotene and vitamin E studies that promised cancer protection but failed when rigorously tested. Giovannucci counterpoints that there have been no randomized trials showing that using sunscreen reduces melanoma either; just observational data.

Whom to believe? Next week we’ll consider this further.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops (like Slow Down You Move Too Fast at FGCU on March19) on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Don't trust how you tell your story when you’re too defensive
Stress for Success
February 26, 2008

Are there are certain people or situations that trigger instantaneous and negatively emotional reactions in you? If so, consider this quote:
§ "The degree to which I am wrong is directly proportionate to how adamantly I profess to be right." -- Source unknown.

In other words, "I think thou dost protest too much, " (revised from Shakespeare's Hamlet.)

One red flag indicating not to trust your perception of something stressful is your own defensive, emotional and/or rigid reaction, which signifies that the true source of your stress is mostly in how you’re telling your story of the situation. This is difficult to recognize in yourself because you assume that your interpretations are accurate.

Everyone projects onto all situations what's in their own heads so you find what you look for.

For example, you have a core belief that life is unfair therefore more easily interpret other people’s actions as unfair, even when they’re not. Like you explain that you didn't get a promotion because your boss is unfair. From the boss’ point of view you weren't qualified. If true, as long as you assume he's unfair you'll be at a disadvantage for getting future promotions because you won't be improving your competence.

There are rigid words that fuel defensive interpretations that need to be replaced:
§ “Should, shouldn’t, have to, must” with “prefer”
§ “Every, all, everyone, no one” with “some”
§ “Always, never” substitute “sometimes”
§ “Can’t” substitute “choose not to”

For example, “She shouldn’t talk to us that way,” becomes, “I prefer she not talk to us that way.” Isn't the second version less rigid?

Or, "No one appreciates anything I do," becomes, "My son doesn't appreciate that I iron his clothes." The second version is more specific and accurate allowing you to address the real issue rather than the global "no one" and "anything I do."

One more red flag that indicates that your perception is more of your stress than the situation itself is when you emotionally judge someone who's "stressing you." For example, "she's lazy." Just because you think she's lazy doesn't mean she is. Don't confuse judgments with facts. Your negative judgments of another are usually projections of what you cannot accept in yourself. Rather than delve into your psyche for the reasons it's easier to play devil's advocate with your negative judgments.

To challenge them identify the facts of the situation and the other person’s behavior to assess if your judgments are legitimate. In this example let's say she turns in her work late and takes longer lunch breaks than allowed, which can be factual and behavioral. But do they justify labeling her lazy? Whether or not they do, you'll more successfully deal with her if you focus on the facts and behaviors and let go of your judgments.

How you tell not only the story of your life but the story of your individual daily experiences creates your reality. If your reality is entirely too stressful then change how you tell your story.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops (like Slow Down You Move Too Fast at FGCU on March19) on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Tell a more optimistic story to reduce your stress
Stress for Success
February 19, 2008

Are you seen as an optimist, a pessimist, a victim or in charge of your own life?

How others see you is partly derived from their perception of how you "tell your story". In recent articles I've addressed how you tell your story becomes your self-fulfilling prophecy. If your life needs an overhaul then how you tell your story does, too.

Consider two ideas in deciding whether or not your life story needs a rewrite.

When something bad happens to you how you explain why it happened implies if your story is perpetuating your stress.

Dr. Martin Seligman, world-renowned optimism/pessimism researcher, University of PA, identified three speech components of your "explanatory style": how you explain why something bad (or good) happens to you.

Pretend you applied for a job that you didn’t get, then answer, “Why didn’t I get the job?”
1. Ongoing vs. temporary: Does your explanation suggest the event has ongoing consequences vs. a temporary setback?
· “I’ll never get a job!” (On-going/pessimistic)
· “I wasn’t on for the interview.” (Temporary setback/optimistic)
2. Global vs. specific: Does not getting the job have global effects on your life or only on a specific part?
· “I’m a loser.” (Global/pessimistic)
· “Money will be tight until I get a job.” (Specific/optimistic)
3. Blame yourself vs. an outside source: Do you generally blame yourself when something bad happens or is something/someone else responsible?
· “I’m a loser.” (Self-blame/pessimistic)
· “What a terrible interviewer!” (Blames outside source/optimistic)

(Seligman isn’t encouraging you to shirk personal responsibility but finds excessive self-blaming is a sign of pessimism.)

To improve how you tell your story when something bad happens change your explanations from on-going to temporary, from having global implications to specific ones, and from self-blame to lightening up on yourself. More optimism also leads to greater professional success, resiliency, better health and possibly greater longevity.

Repetitive, dysfunctional life patterns are another sure sign that how you tell your story is perpetuating a stressful reality. For example, a customer said that she was about to quit her fourth job in three years for the same reason: "the jerks I work with." Is it possible that her story maintains her stress?

Eric Berne’s Transactional Analysis (remember I’m OK – You’re OK?) explains this. He found that "dysfunctional behavior results from self-limiting choices made in childhood in an attempt to survive and thrive." These create your "life-script, the preconscious life plan that governs how you live your life." Burns also defined socially dysfunctional behavioral patterns as "games."

You attract people who’ll help you live out your life-script. Perhaps my customer had antagonistic relationships with her family of origin and repeatedly "plays games" that result in hostile relationships in her workplaces.

Without realizing it we all continue to live out our dysfunctional (and functional) life-scripts. The trick is to spot the repetitive, dysfunctional tendencies and assume that we may be keeping alive these unhealthy patterns through how we tell our story. Good counseling can certainly help to unravel your complicity and create a different story line to move you toward a healthier outcome ending.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops (like Slow Down You Move Too Fast at FGCU on March19) on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Core beliefs can cause stress
Stress for Success
February 12, 2008


Everyone has core beliefs that drive their reactions to all of life’s situations. These are mostly established in early childhood and are very difficult to shake. But if you want to get off the treadmill of automatically reacting out of childhood programming and expand your options for reacting differently you must identify, challenge and adjust your limiting core beliefs.

At the heart of all perceptions are these beliefs. For example, a core belief that people are good and to be trusted allows you to put faith in others. However, if you believe people are untrustworthy you’ll view others suspiciously. These entirely different perceptions, based on core beliefs, will lead to drastically different relationships.

To identify core beliefs driving your stressful reactions, allowing you to challenge and ultimately modify them to respond more productively, use the Repetitive Why Technique.

For instance, much of Irene's stress comes from being a pleaser. She overextends herself to help others to the detriment of taking care of herself, she says what others want to hear, and she says "yes" when she wants to say "no."

One day her boss needed something done by 2 p.m. Irene knew she wouldn't be able to get it done given her other responsibilities, but instead of saying so she said, "okay." To be more honest she needs to identify and change her underlying core belief, which paves the way for her to set appropriate limits.

With the Repetitive Why Technique ask, "why" repeatedly regarding your reactions. She would ask herself why she didn’t tell her boss the truth. For each answer she’d ask why again. It might go something like this:
§ "Why did I say I'd get the work done when I know I can't?"
o "Because she's my boss, I have to do what she tells me."
§ "Why do I think I have to say "yes" to anything my boss asks me?"
o "Because you don't say ‘no’ to authority figures."
§ "Why can't I say ‘no’ to authority figures?"
o "Because I might get into trouble."
§ "Why would I get into trouble?"

Perhaps the answer is that she regularly got into trouble when she defied her parents so she carries into adulthood an assumption - a core belief – that she shouldn’t challenge authority. To change her passiveness she needs to challenge this core belief. She could question if any colleagues have ever gotten into trouble when they’ve said they couldn't get something done. If she can’t find evidence of this she needs to honestly explain to her boss why she cannot finish everything. She could ask the boss to prioritize her work for her. If there’s evidence that the boss punishes those who set limits she’d need to decide whether or not she could live with that.

Being chained to past programming can be extremely limiting and stressful. Core beliefs that confine you can be reprogrammed. No doubt it takes time and effort, but it can be some of the most freeing work you'll ever do.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops (like Slow Down You Move Too Fast at FGCU on March19) on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Be careful how you tell your story
Stress for Success
February 5, 2008

Consider a woman who died from pancreatic cancer at age 55. Before she died she often joked that the three loves of her life - over eating, smoking and drinking - were killing her.

Cindy's life was never easy. She was adopted by people who shouldn't have been allowed to adopt. The mother generously meted out cruel and unusual punishment, smothering Cindy's self-confidence, like not allowing her as an adolescent to wash her hair for weeks on end. The father did his wife's bidding by beating Cindy with the belt at a time when society denied child abuse.

Her life started out so promising. Cindy was a beautiful child and her mother proudly entered her into child modeling shows. But as Cindy progressed through grade school she gained significant weight, reaching more than 200 pounds by sixth grade. No more modeling for her.

When Cindy explained why things "never" worked out for her she'd tell her story in a way that depicted her as helpless with no options to change anything. For instance, in her 40s she desperately wanted to buy a house but never attempted to get a loan, explaining, "Nobody's going to loan me money." Or not asking for a raise because, "I’m probably not worth it."

Be careful how you tell the story of your life. If it's a dead-end story you're probably living a dead-end life.

As I've written many times, to lower your stress you must invest your energy where you have control. Cindy had no control over what her parents did to her. Therapy could have helped her deal with that partly by teaching her how to tell her story in a way that put her in the driver's seat of her own life. It may have created a different outcome for her.

Instead she expressed her core beliefs through how she told her story: "I’m unworthy," "Life's stacked against me," and "I am unlovable." This final one explains why Cindy never dated in high school and why as an adult her only "male companions" were married and unavailable. She never married.

Cindy self medicated throughout her adult life through her three loves, topping out at 270 pounds.

After both of her adoptive parents died she met her biological family. In a picture of her and her birth mother you couldn't tell them apart; both pushing 300 pounds and facially looking like twins. Getting to know her birth family, all of whom were obese, finally gave Cindy and identity. It was like her adoptive mother's criticisms were finally put to rest, giving Cindy great peace.

How do you tell your story, especially the tough parts? Are you acted upon by and do you blame outside forces that leave you powerless to change anything? Or are you in the driver's seat of the outcome of your stories?

Trust me, how you tell your story becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you are dissatisfied with your life, start turning it around by revising how you tell your story. Change it in ways that put you in charge of creating the outcomes you want.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops (like Slow Down You Move Too Fast at FGCU on March19) on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Tackle the hard work of stress management to improve your life
Perceptions can often be blamed for stress
Stress for Success
January 29, 2008

§ “You see the world not as it is but as you are.” -- Stephen Covey, author
§ You are what you think you are. Your perceptions become your reality.
§ Be careful how you tell your story.
§ Wherever your thoughts are going that’s where you are going.
§ "It's not what happens to you that matters but what you do with it." -- Source Unknown

In other words, stress is in the mind of the beholder. How you view the world and interpret your experiences determine what kind of stress, not to mention life, you have. They determine which options you can see therefore how well you solve your stressors and the resiliency you have (or don’t have) to stress.

Since how you “behold” situations determines whether or not you’re stressed by them, doesn’t it behoove you to be more aware of how you are beholding?

This is the difficult part of stress management because it requires you to accept that life isn’t necessarily causing your stress. How you look at it usually is. (This is communicated to you through your thoughts about the situation.) You most likely assume your interpretations (thoughts) of situations are correct and may not be willing to concede that sometimes you are your own biggest stressor, but that’s basically what you have to consider.

For example, you and I work for the same critical boss. Each time he criticizes me I fold like a house of cards and whine about him to friends and family. You let his criticisms roll off your back. The same situation produces two entirely different results because you and I interpret the criticism differently. In short, I'm probably taking it personally and you aren't.

When you notice that you’re more stressed than is another person in the same situation it's an indicator that maybe, just maybe, your perceptions ARE your stress, which means you can’t trust what you’re thinking. Instead of assuming your perception is accurate find factual proof. If you say "he's always criticizing me" find proof of "always". It's highly unlikely that anyone always does anything. Literally count the number of times in one week that he criticizes you and when you complain about him substitute "three times this week he criticized me" for “he always criticizes me.”

This doesn't mean that your perceptions are automatically “wrong”. Everyone interprets life based on their lifelong experiences, temperament and possibly even genetics. They are such a part of you that you don't even pay particular attention to them, you just tend not to question them. To lower your stress however you'll need to develop a healthy skepticism about your own interpretations, especially when red flags are waving, telling you not to trust what you're thinking.

How can you know when your interpretation of a stressor is more responsible for your stress than is the situation itself? It’s not easy and next week we’ll consider one particular red flag, how you tell your story, and how it can imprison you in a stressful life pattern.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Practice the easy part of stress management
Stress for Success
January 22, 2008

"It's easier said than done," is something I hear frequently about stress management recommendations.

I've been teaching this subject for over 20 years and have discovered that most people don’t want to do the hard work of stress reduction -- challenging your interpretation of stressful situations. Most of your stress isn’t from what happens to you but rather from how you interpret it. Stress is in the mind of the beholder.

For example, you're stressed by a coworker’s near-constant negativity. "She drives me nuts!” you complain. "Somebody put a sock in her mouth!" This implies that she's making you stressed and she should change.

However, she's not the cause of your stress. Your interpretation of her negativity is what’s driving you nuts.

By not admitting that we’re causing much of our stress, we avoid the difficult work of challenging our thinking; it’s not easy. So it's true, stress management advice is easier said than done.

When you're not willing to consider that you’re the source of your own stress, the minimum you can do is to practice stress management basics, including:
§ Schedule daily rest breaks in proportion to the amount of stress you experience so your mind and body can recover. If you experience chronic stress (elevated stress that lasts month after month) it's even more important that you schedule multiple Stress Breaks into your daily life, such as a few seconds of deep breathing several times a day, 20 to 30 minutes of deep relaxation numerous times a week, a minimum of 30 minutes of exercise several times a week, a good night’s sleep on a regular basis, etc. Practicing enough Stress Breaks protects you from the ravages of stress.

Appreciating Stress Breaks’ benefits also leads to a greater perception of control (more self efficacy, which I wrote about last week), automatically lowering your overall stress.
§ Limit exaggerated thinking. Where ever your thoughts are going that's where you are going. Your aggravated and judgmental thoughts about your colleague mean you’re going towards stress. To lower your stress it's better to think about her in a problem-solving way like, "What are my options in dealing with her negativity?" Because she’s beyond your control your options must be ones that are within your control versus expecting her to change.
§ This requires an understanding and an acceptance regarding what’s within and what’s beyond your control regarding your stressor. In essence, everything about everybody else is beyond your control; their personalities, habits and reactions. Your choice of reactions is within your control. That’s why your only options for dealing with your negative coworker are ones that require you do something different, like not letting her bother you or gossiping with others about her, versus hoping she'll change.

You'd be wise when your thinking is very emotional and exaggerated to assume that you’re part of the problem and to challenge your thinking. In the meantime, by practicing these stress management basics you’ll at least lower your stress and facilitate doing the hard work of stress reduction when you’re ready to challenge your interpretations.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Let your body tell you how to achieve a healthy balance
Stress for Success
January 15, 2008


Given that your assessment of your own health (from poor to excellent) predicts your future health and longevity better than a thorough review of your medical records it only benefits you if you pay attention to what your body tells you.

Your body always tells you the truth about how it’s functioning. Paying attention to its subtle and not-so-subtle messages helps you moderate your stress and your habits to help restore your body to a healthy balance – if you choose to. This is particularly important when a physical problem persists.

For instance, Tony (not his real name) had nagging back pain. It hadn’t occurred to him that his body was speaking to him through the discomfort. However, he learned to pay closer attention to what was happening in his life when his back acted up and quickly pinpointed the problem causing it through the journaling technique below.

Tony discovered that his back tightened up every time he paid his bills or worried about his finances. In other words, he was expressing financial stress through back muscle tension. Now he had something he could problem-solve on. He gained this insight by communicating with his body. It told him very quickly what his stressor was and what he needed to do to decrease it.

Use the following technique regularly to stay in touch with your body to reduce the physical consequences of your stress. Before you begin, have a piece of paper and a pen handy.
· Sit comfortably and take a few deep breaths to relax. When you feel ready, close your eyes and scan your body slowly. Start by becoming aware of the top of your head, move down to your forehead and eyes. Notice any signs of discomfort, tension or pain. Focus on the rest of your face, your jaws, your head and down through your neck, into your shoulders and down through your arms and into your hands and fingers.

Notice your torso, both front and back, continuing to look for signs of discomfort. Move down through your hips, your legs and into your feet and toes.

Let your mind go back to just one part of your body that is particularly uncomfortable and focus on that discomfort for a moment ….

If this part of your body could talk to you, what would it tell you to do to decrease your stress?

Take your pen and paper and write a letter to yourself from that part of your body. “Dear ____,” and let the uncomfortable part of your body tell you what’s causing the discomfort and what to do about it. Let the words flow without conscious effort.

It was through this activity that Tony made the connection between backaches and financial worries. After he worked to reduce his financial stress his back started to relax more and over time the pain disappeared.

Generally, if you allow the letter to “write itself” without conscious effort, you’ll receive good guidance. Now you just have to follow your own good advice.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Overcome yes-but and the procrastination it causes
Stress for Success
January 8, 2008


If you want to be a successful procrastinator use the sure-fire technique, the yes-but. "Yes I know that I need to get that done, but not now." It works because it’s obvious what usually follows the but … nothing. "I'd love to apply for that job, but I'm probably not qualified." The yes indicates your interest in the job and the but is the excuse you need to put off trying to get it.

Are you a yes-buter? Dr. Arthur Freeman and Rose DeWolf, authors of The 10 Dumbest Mistakes Smart People Make, say a common reason you may procrastinate in uncomfortable situations is because you have a low tolerance for frustration. But since frustration is a fact of life you'll need to tolerate disagreeable circumstances better if you expect to overcome this very effective stalling practice.

Acknowledging the unpleasantness of your task can help. But don’t go overboard. If your self-talk exaggerates how distasteful the job is you’ll be right back into yes-but. Instead, consciously acknowledge the due date of your commitment and at minimum create a plan of action as described below.

Ultimately, to stop delaying you’ll need to change your yes-but to yes-and. Instead of, "I'd love to apply for that job, but I doubt I'm qualified", say "Yes, I'd love to apply for that job and I need to find out what the qualifications are." Yes-but gives you excuses. Yes-and shows you the steps you need to take.

"Delay is the deadliest form of denial," C. Northcote Parkinson said. So when you hear yourself use the yes-but as an excuse for procrastination immediately do the following:
• Write your project’s goal, e.g., "I want this job."
• Next, list all of the steps you’d need to take to get it, breaking them down
into bite-size pieces:
– Get the phone number for and call the organization for which you want to work
– Ask about the qualifications and if meet them get an application
– Fill out and send in the application
– Follow up with a phone call to the company
– Etc.
• Write down a deadline for each and every step.
• Then commit to each step, one by one. As Mao Tse-tung said, "The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step." Put one foot in front of the other and take one step at a time.

If you’re unwilling to follow through with these steps, decrease your stress by admitting to yourself that you have no intention of looking for this and possibly other jobs. Being honest with yourself about it means you’re being conscious of your choices. “I choose to not pursue this job because I assume I’m not qualified.” Staying conscious increases the likelihood that one day you’ll make a different choice. Perhaps you’ll even pursue a job you fear you’re not qualified for by throwing caution to the wind and researching whether or not you are.

Get out of the nothing-can-be-done mode and instead focus on a starting point. Each time you hear yourself say yes-but stop yourself and instead say yes-and to see what the implied action steps are that you can begin right now! Then start your journey one step at a time.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her mission is to inspire people to live conscious lives of personal responsibility in relations with themselves, with others. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.

Try these ways to improve your health this year
Stress for Success
January 1, 2008

I’m not big on New Year’s resolutions that are never accomplished because unmet goals create stress. So don’t think about the following as resolutions but simply areas that you could improve upon to enhance your longevity and quality of life.

These ideas are also hugely important to stress reduction because they promote "self -efficacy,” meaning that your actions bring about your desired outcomes, translating into greater personal control. A perception of having control automatically reduces your stress. Self-efficacy leads to improved problem-solving, as well, because you feel empowered to look for additional options in dealing with life's ups and downs.

Here are six ideas, reported in Psychology Today, that are backed by accumulating research on how to extend your lifespan.

According to the Journal of Gerontology to add years to your life stay physically active (duh!), whether by walking, biking or gardening. The great news is it works even if you’ve been historically sedentary. Additionally, “… six months of regular aerobic exercise can also reverse the loss of brain tissue that occurs with aging.” Regular physical activity also improves your mood.

Another finding is that lifelong use of two languages promotes longevity by delaying the onset of dementia by four years. Bilingualism "enhances brain vasculature and neural plasticity and increases your attention and cognitive control." The Internet makes learning languages easier. Through our local library you can access a wonderful language learning site called Rosetta Stone. Hurry, though, because I've heard it won’t remain free much longer.

Here’s some great news for wine lovers. According to Current Biology the phytonutrient resveratrol in red grapes and red wine counter aging the same way calorie restriction does. "Both activate a family of enzymes that slow the body’s metabolic machinery and offset the damage of a high calorie diet." Sounds good to me!

The Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health has two suggestions for longevity. "Living in the mountains promotes longevity even if you have high blood lipids and high blood pressure. Adaptation to altitude helps the body cope with lower levels of oxygen, and walking uphill regularly aids the heart."

They also report that close family ties are nice, but having a network of good friends boosts lifespan in old age. Being connected positively influences many physical systems, offsetting stress.

Finally, Psychosomatic Medicine reports that a good marriage counteracts the wear and tear of life on multiple body systems.

So here you have a variety of ideas to increase your lifespan throughout this New Year; drink more red wine, improve your marriage, put more energy into making and keeping great friends, move to the mountains, and as always, exercise more.

If you know in your heart of hearts that you need to improve in any of these areas, over the next year focus on a realistic and attainable goal to do just that. Make it a priority and go for it and see if on New Year's Eve 2009 you're not happy that you did.

Have a wonderful New Year.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.