Be careful how you tell your story
Stress for Success
February 5, 2008

Consider a woman who died from pancreatic cancer at age 55. Before she died she often joked that the three loves of her life - over eating, smoking and drinking - were killing her.

Cindy's life was never easy. She was adopted by people who shouldn't have been allowed to adopt. The mother generously meted out cruel and unusual punishment, smothering Cindy's self-confidence, like not allowing her as an adolescent to wash her hair for weeks on end. The father did his wife's bidding by beating Cindy with the belt at a time when society denied child abuse.

Her life started out so promising. Cindy was a beautiful child and her mother proudly entered her into child modeling shows. But as Cindy progressed through grade school she gained significant weight, reaching more than 200 pounds by sixth grade. No more modeling for her.

When Cindy explained why things "never" worked out for her she'd tell her story in a way that depicted her as helpless with no options to change anything. For instance, in her 40s she desperately wanted to buy a house but never attempted to get a loan, explaining, "Nobody's going to loan me money." Or not asking for a raise because, "I’m probably not worth it."

Be careful how you tell the story of your life. If it's a dead-end story you're probably living a dead-end life.

As I've written many times, to lower your stress you must invest your energy where you have control. Cindy had no control over what her parents did to her. Therapy could have helped her deal with that partly by teaching her how to tell her story in a way that put her in the driver's seat of her own life. It may have created a different outcome for her.

Instead she expressed her core beliefs through how she told her story: "I’m unworthy," "Life's stacked against me," and "I am unlovable." This final one explains why Cindy never dated in high school and why as an adult her only "male companions" were married and unavailable. She never married.

Cindy self medicated throughout her adult life through her three loves, topping out at 270 pounds.

After both of her adoptive parents died she met her biological family. In a picture of her and her birth mother you couldn't tell them apart; both pushing 300 pounds and facially looking like twins. Getting to know her birth family, all of whom were obese, finally gave Cindy and identity. It was like her adoptive mother's criticisms were finally put to rest, giving Cindy great peace.

How do you tell your story, especially the tough parts? Are you acted upon by and do you blame outside forces that leave you powerless to change anything? Or are you in the driver's seat of the outcome of your stories?

Trust me, how you tell your story becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you are dissatisfied with your life, start turning it around by revising how you tell your story. Change it in ways that put you in charge of creating the outcomes you want.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops (like Slow Down You Move Too Fast at FGCU on March19) on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.