Don't trust how you tell your story when you’re too defensive
Stress for Success
February 26, 2008

Are there are certain people or situations that trigger instantaneous and negatively emotional reactions in you? If so, consider this quote:
§ "The degree to which I am wrong is directly proportionate to how adamantly I profess to be right." -- Source unknown.

In other words, "I think thou dost protest too much, " (revised from Shakespeare's Hamlet.)

One red flag indicating not to trust your perception of something stressful is your own defensive, emotional and/or rigid reaction, which signifies that the true source of your stress is mostly in how you’re telling your story of the situation. This is difficult to recognize in yourself because you assume that your interpretations are accurate.

Everyone projects onto all situations what's in their own heads so you find what you look for.

For example, you have a core belief that life is unfair therefore more easily interpret other people’s actions as unfair, even when they’re not. Like you explain that you didn't get a promotion because your boss is unfair. From the boss’ point of view you weren't qualified. If true, as long as you assume he's unfair you'll be at a disadvantage for getting future promotions because you won't be improving your competence.

There are rigid words that fuel defensive interpretations that need to be replaced:
§ “Should, shouldn’t, have to, must” with “prefer”
§ “Every, all, everyone, no one” with “some”
§ “Always, never” substitute “sometimes”
§ “Can’t” substitute “choose not to”

For example, “She shouldn’t talk to us that way,” becomes, “I prefer she not talk to us that way.” Isn't the second version less rigid?

Or, "No one appreciates anything I do," becomes, "My son doesn't appreciate that I iron his clothes." The second version is more specific and accurate allowing you to address the real issue rather than the global "no one" and "anything I do."

One more red flag that indicates that your perception is more of your stress than the situation itself is when you emotionally judge someone who's "stressing you." For example, "she's lazy." Just because you think she's lazy doesn't mean she is. Don't confuse judgments with facts. Your negative judgments of another are usually projections of what you cannot accept in yourself. Rather than delve into your psyche for the reasons it's easier to play devil's advocate with your negative judgments.

To challenge them identify the facts of the situation and the other person’s behavior to assess if your judgments are legitimate. In this example let's say she turns in her work late and takes longer lunch breaks than allowed, which can be factual and behavioral. But do they justify labeling her lazy? Whether or not they do, you'll more successfully deal with her if you focus on the facts and behaviors and let go of your judgments.

How you tell not only the story of your life but the story of your individual daily experiences creates your reality. If your reality is entirely too stressful then change how you tell your story.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops (like Slow Down You Move Too Fast at FGCU on March19) on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.