Monday, April 07, 2008

Develop good friendship with yourself
Stress for Success
April 8, 2008


You’ve just met someone you want to ask out, but you immediately put on the brakes. “She’d never go out with me. I’m an idiot!”

Are you your own worst critic? If so, welcome to the human race. Shad Helmstetter, author of “What to say When You Talk to Yourself,” finds that 80% of the average person’s self-talk is negative!

Who would want a friend who talks to you like you talk to yourself? Good question.

With a derogatory self-concept, not only will you be stressed, but in the above example you probably wouldn’t act. Even if you did work up the courage to ask her out, you’d nonverbally communicate low self-esteem, making you less attractive so she’d be less interested in you, making you right - she’d never go out with you.

Over the past weeks I’ve addressed the importance of friends, who enhance your life while improving your mental and physical health. At the core of your ability to attract good friends is being a good friend to yourself.

Listen to your internal dialogue to assess if you’re a good friend to yourself or not. Do you compliment yourself when you do something well? Or, are you difficult to please? When you mess up do you forgive yourself? Or do you demand perfection and still hurl disparaging remarks your way?

Another way to tell how much you respect yourself is by your level of self-care. Do you work relentlessly with no rest? Do you feel guilty when you take care of yourself? Do you allow others calling you “selfish” keep you from nurturing yourself?

For most of us, the truth is that if you don’t take care of yourself, no one else will. So, here are some ideas to enhance your relationship with yourself:
§ Talk respectfully and honestly to yourself. This will make you more attractive to others because your enhanced self-esteem communicates through your nonverbal communication.
§ When you’ve made a mistake, instead of thinking, “I’m stupid,” say, “What I did wasn’t too bright but I’m smart and will learn from this.”
§ Turn off TV one night a week and do something that interests you. Put yourself in the company of others who enjoy the same thing. You’ll be more interested, therefore more interesting.
§ Get enough rest. The more stressed you are the more you need to take regular time, at least 15 minutes a day, to rest and recoup your energy.
§ Recognize and compliment your own productive efforts, whether or not anyone else does.
§ Show respect for your body by limiting bad habits, especially those that are unhealthy, like too much drinking, eating, etc.
§ Accept compliments from others rather than downplay your role. Say, “thank you,” while biting your tongue to keep from disparaging your contributions.

Before you can expect others to befriend you, you must be a good friend to yourself; be kind, supportive, loving, gentle, forgiving and honest. Treat yourself as you want your best friend to treat to you.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.