We’re better off if doctors take care of themselves
Stress for Success
August 24, 2010


When treated by your physician, especially for something serious, you want her or him to be alert and functioning on all cylinders, right? But what if your doc is seriously stressed out and unlikely to take care of himself? Does that mean you’ll suffer, too?

The medical journal The Lancet reported, “The emotional well-being of doctors is a major index of the quality of the health-care system as a whole.” This is a bit scary since this is also a profession with higher suicide, burnout, alcohol and substance abuse rates. “The baseline physician is walking around fairly burned out,” says Professor Dan Shapiro, chair of the department of humanities at Penn State College of Medicine. “We teach doctors that they have to be self-denying.” Besides, stress management isn’t taught in med school because physician stress isn’t recognized.

Dr. Suzanne Koven in a Psychology Today article says that doctors have a plethora of career-specific stress to deny, which can and does work against good mental health, such as:
* Those who get into and through medical school are likely competitive and perfectionists.
* Expectations within the field include toughing it out during difficult professional situations like exhaustive surgeries or very long hours. Shockingly, “a large majority of doctors in residency training say that they’d keep working if they had vomited all night, saw blood in their urine, or experienced extreme anxiety.” On occasion ignoring symptoms may be harmless but as a lifestyle over the years a physician can find herself in dire, physical and emotional shape.
* Other strains include long hours, sleep deprivation, medical school debt that pushes them to work harder, fear of being sued and of not performing perfectly, endless paperwork, meetings, etc. All of which can create chronic stress making them vulnerable to illness and disease development. In one survey 20% of medical trainees rated their mental health as “fair to poor.”
* Many have enormous workloads with great responsibilities while not practicing good stress management nor eating healthfully.
* To make a living, they have to see more patients in less time, defeating the reason they came into medicine. They’re chronically rushed and probably not focusing on patients as carefully as they should. “They’re like air traffic controllers with too many planes in the air,” Shapiro says.
* Shapiro points out that 75% of American health-care dollars goes to treating chronic illnesses leaving docs spending significant time caring for people who remain ill. This must be very frustrating and a serious contributor to burnout.

For these and other reasons too many doctors are hesitant to seek medical and psychiatric care. Additionally, this is a profession that operates with an unspoken code of silence so physicians are unlikely to report colleagues with substance abuse or psychological problems so they go untreated.

It’s in all of our best interests if those who care for our medical needs take better care of themselves. Physicians with improved self-care and less stress make for better patient care and presumably healthier patients, too.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Passive-aggressive behavior can be difficult to handle
Stress for Success
August 17, 2010


Manipulative, passive-aggressive behavior is the most difficult and frustrating interpersonal problem for me because it’s so hidden, indirect and hurtful. Passive-aggressive behavior, including gossiping, is also the most destructive to the health of a relationship.

We all manipulate subconsciously or consciously at times. When you do so, be aware that you’re being unassertive and failing to speak directly and truthfully for whatever your reasons. It’s very stressful to be on the receiving end of this. Wouldn’t you rather upset co-workers talk to you directly versus gossip about you?

A key to understanding passive-aggressive behavior is to realize that it’s an attempt to get even with you, the aggressive part. It’s an indirect expression of anger or frustration. Apparently gossiping co-workers feel the need to discredit you and don’t have the courage to do it openly. Their method is passive.

If you’re chronically manipulated by someone, you’re almost certainly part of the problem. As in all relationships, it takes two to tango. To diminish others’ manipulation of you, take responsibility for your own complicity. Since you can’t make others change (be less manipulative) and since all you have true control over are your own choices, you must change your response --- or continue to dance the manipulative dance. How do you respond now and what could you do differently?

The main change you’ll need to make to extinguish or significantly diminish others’ attempts to manipulate you is to expose their attempts, which can feel very uncomfortable. For example, you could say a colleague who went behind your back.,

* “Jane, it’s my understanding that you’ve told others that I didn’t do my share of the work on this project. I’d appreciate it if when you have a problem with me that you bring your concern to me directly rather than to someone else. Then we can discuss it openly and resolve any misunderstandings.”

Expose hidden manipulation a time or two and she’ll be less likely to manipulate you in the future.

If the passive-aggressive person is a customer or a boss with whom you’d be unlikely to be so direct, here’s another idea. Your customer says,
* “Your employees were over yesterday and they actually did a good job!”

Doesn’t it sound like he’s really saying that they usually don’t do a good job? To clarify the customer’s hidden message you could say,
* “Dave, it sounds like what you’re really saying is that they usually don’t do a good job. Is that right?”

Whenever you expose manipulative behavior you’ll need to be prepared to deal with what the person has to say. If he admits that, “no, they usually don’t do a good job,” you could address it by saying,
* “That’s unacceptable. Tell me what they need to do better.”

Passive-aggressive behavior is very difficult for most of us to handle well, especially when the relationship is one of love or of power. Learn to surface it in a non-defensive manner to create an opportunity to resolve any underlying issues. Then and only then can you know what you’re dealing with.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Spread the word: Productive gossiping a skill
Stress for Success
August 10, 2010

In the 1980s I read about and followed good office politics advice: listen to (virtually) all gossip but spread none. This kept me in the loop but not as a backbiter that “gossiping” implies. When you’re out of the loop - by choice or by exclusion - you miss out on valuable information needed to “play the game.” This includes greater awareness of your organization’s informal network, especially important in organizations that practice poor communication.

Because evolutionary psychologists believe gossiping is an innate human trait enhancing survival, consider it a social skill versus a personal weakness. And seek a balance. Avoiding all gossip because you believe it’s always destructive will isolate you. But blabbing everything to everyone is also undesirable. To balance gossiping:
* Know when to say nothing by;
* Asking if spreading the rumor will hurt your team;
* Avoid making yourself sound like the hero when you share information;

Consider these tips to benefit you and your team and lessen the damage:
* “The Local Media Rule” is a concept I use in harassment training but it also applies to whether to pass on gossip. If what you spread about someone were to show up in your local media or your company’s newsletter (not to mention Twitter or Facebook) would it embarrass you? If so, don’t spread it.
* Be tactful. Rather than saying, “Our new boss knows nothing about leadership,” you could say, “Our last boss was such a great leader,” implying that he was better than your present boss.
* Generate good will by passing on information that makes a colleague look good. “Chris worked over the weekend to save the account.” This reflects positively on you, too, especially when Chris hears about it.
* Defend your friends: A former, close colleague of mine reported that a mutual co-worker was calling me the “b” word for being assertive. (Back in the 1980s this was a common label applied to assertive women.) I asked if he stood up for me and he answered “no.” At no risk to him he could have said, “How do you see her as aggressive?” Or, “I find her to be assertive not aggressive.” The only way to diminish malicious, passive-aggressive gossip is to expose it. Then the gossiper will think twice about spreading hurtful opinions to at least you if not to everyone.
* Communicate openly with employees especially during heightened stress when they’re feeling less in control. Instead of trying to create a gossip-free workplace, which is probably impossible, talk directly with them and keep them posted on changes and challenges. Since gossip loves a vacuum don’t stick your head in the sand but be proactive in communicating what’s going on through regular emails and meetings.

You can decrease the negative impact of gossiping by following these simple rules. If you feel compelled, however, to spread trash at least be very careful about whom you tell. CYA, if you know what I mean.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Gossip can be good
Stress for Success
August 3, 2010


Is gossip among humans equivalent to grooming between primates?

Yes, according to psychologist Robin Dunbar of the University of Liverpool and author of “Grooming, Gossip, and the Evolution of Language.” He suggests that gossiping connects social groups together.

Since gossip is found in people of all ages, eras and societies, evolutionary psychologists believe it’s an innate human trait born out of our primitive past. It’s likely an evolutionary adaptation that allowed us to survive and flourish throughout the ages.

Here’s why.

Prehistoric humans lived primarily in small groups with everyone knowing everyone. They had few encounters with strangers. To survive, they cooperated with their “in-group” members against “out-groups” but also saw those in their in-group as their main competitors.

To deal with relationships successfully our ancestors had to have a strong interest in others’ private lives to accurately predict and influence their behavior (see where I’m going here?). Those who were the most successful at managing relationships became more attractive mates, thereby more likely to pass down their genes to us.

Our curiosity about others is, therefore, a survival skill used to this day and especially important given our regular interactions with strangers.

Gossip is used for a variety of reasons, some more adaptive than others. It can:
* Attempt to equalize power; like employees spreading rumors about a boss. Gossiping is called the weapon of the weak.
* Indicate a sign of deep trust, creating bonding through shared secrets. Sharing gossip indicates that you trust the person you tell that they won’t use it in any way against you. Those excluded from office gossip, for example, become outsiders not trusted or accepted by the group.
* Serve as a source of information for employees who otherwise aren’t getting any from management. When gossip is controlled, it can be a positive force in a group’s life.
* Be a way to learn the unwritten rules of social groups by communicating group customs and norms.
* Be an efficient way of reminding group members about the importance of the group’s values, therefore, it’s can be a method of punishing those who go astray.
* Be used as a dysfunctional strategy to increase one’s status at the expense of others. This distasteful side of gossip usually overshadows the productive ways it can unite people.
* Provide information about the activities of same-sex people close to your own age to whom you ought to pay special attention since they are your principal evolutionary competitors.
* Provide information about those who matter the most in your life like rivals, mates, relatives, colleagues, and those with power over you. Humans are most interested in information that can affect their social standing. Keen interest in negative news about high-status people and potential rivals can be exploited while negative information about those lower than us in status isn’t as useful.

It’s good to know that gossip is probably instinctual so we don’t have to always feel guilty when we indulge. Next week I’ll share some tips on successful gossiping.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Entitlements don’t come without responsibilities
Stress for Success
July 27, 2010


In the 1980s two young people we knew had baffling work expectations. One, an office worker, was upset because she didn’t get a raise when a colleague did. The other, an electrician, became indignant when his boss, the owner of the business, dropped him off at a job but didn’t stay to do the work herself.

Does their sense of entitlement seem off-base to you?

Some say today’s Millenial generation has a too-strong sense of entitlement, also. An example is college counselors who cite struggling students blaming their professors for being boring; like boring instructors cause bad grades.

Having a sense of entitlement, often representing unrealistic expectations, manifests itself in many ways. Aggressive drivers feel entitled to intimidate you out of their way. Some hurricane survivors expect an immediate government rescue. Older siblings feel entitled to greater respect from younger ones. Some poor people feel entitled to unending benefits. Some affluent people expect the best opportunities. The list goes on and on.

What do you feel entitled to? Are your expectations realistic?

A sense of entitlement carries a serious risk: the possible shirking of personal responsibility. The office worker blames the boss for not giving her a raise versus wondering, “What are my options?” in securing a raise. The students could ask the same question about getting better grades.

Instead, all are focused on how the other person is interfering with them getting what they want. As I’ve stated many times before, wanting the other person to change increases the stress of a situation because the other person is always beyond your control.

What’s within your control is figuring out your options. The students could study more, get tutoring, figure out how to pay attention even when bored.

No doubt everyone has certain rights and entitlements but for each one we must also accept their inherent responsibilities. You have the right to be respected. Your responsibility is to behave in ways that earns others’ respect; being reliable, honorable, respectful of others, etc.

In the above examples which responsibilities are being ignored?
* The office employee had the responsibility to figure out what’s rewarded in her job and what isn’t. Did her attitude inhibit her from getting the additional responsibilities that would have justified a raise? Did her very sense of entitlement grate on her boss?
* The electrician had the responsibility to know what he was hired to do and to do it; to understand his job responsibilities versus his boss’s. Plus, he needed to accept that the owner of a business can do pretty much what she wants. It’s her company.
* The students need to figure out how to learn and pass. Period.

Too frequently in our rights-oriented society we demand our entitlements with little thought to their corresponding responsibilities. This almost always leads to more anxiety if we passively wait for what we want. To increase success and lower stress, it’s important to identify and pursue the options that are within your control that can lead you toward your realistic expectations.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Space of time stops knee-jerk reactions
Stress for Success
July 20, 2010


Recently I’ve written about how mindfulness can help you respond to stressful situations as you want versus reacting automatically out of your unconscious, past childhood programming. It’s difficult to change these mechanical reactions because when you’re anxious your Stress Cycle is triggered speeding up your response time. The more stressed you are the faster you react. All of your best intentions of behaving more appropriately go down the drain.

To stop these unwanted reactions create a Space of Time between your stressor and your reaction to it. You can gain a millisecond of time to discipline yourself to stop your habitual, defensive behavior and replace it with a more desirable and effective response.

Mind Games can create this Space of Time. This isn’t the idea from the 1980s pop psychology where you manipulate others people’s minds but rather it’s playing a little game inside your own head to stop your undesirable reactions.

Mind Games don’t solve problems. Their sole intended purpose is to give you power to change your behavior, seldom an easy task. Here are some examples.

Mind Games work best when you personalize them to your situation. For instance, a woman was easily intimidated by her very aggressive, loud boss. In fits of pique he threw insults at her and others. She came to the belated conclusion that his rudeness said more about him than about her and decided she needed to keep his insults from sticking to her. So she imagined a protective plexiglass shield slipping into place in front of her resulting in his insulting words dripping down the glass therefore not sticking to her.

When my older stepson moved in with us I became very critical of him, which I disliked in myself. He’d do something and I automatically pounced. I tried deep breathing, looking for humor in the situation but nothing worked well. One day as I was about to criticize him, an image popped into my mind that worked as a Mind Game from that day on - most of the time anyway. I pictured my mother and father watching their dear sweet daughter being so hard on this child. That’s all I needed. It stopped me in my tracks. It created the Space of Time I needed to walk away from the situation.

Finally, a young boy was afraid of being alone in his bedroom at night. His father taught him to hum, When the Saints Come Marching In, whenever he became frightened to push away his fears, which allowed him to fall asleep sooner.

Mind Games that can work for you are limited only by your creativity. Create some image, thought, humor or just use deep breathing to stop unproductive reactions. Create a Space of Time to increase your opportunity for change.

Be patient because this, like anything, takes time. And it doesn’t always work. If Mind Games help you stop undesirable behavior even a little, it’ll be worth the effort. Perfect this skill and you’ll finally be able rid yourself of some of those embarrassing, immature reactions.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

It’s easy to go on emotional autopilot
Stress for Success
June 29, 2010

It’s easy to block out painful emotions and operate emotionally on autopilot. Addictive behavior may be a warning sign that this is occurring habitually. To notice some emotions they might have to become extreme. But mindfulness stress management can allow you to face your emotions and not feel like you have to run from them.

According to Ronald Alexander, Ph.D. and author of “Wise Mind, Open Mind: Finding Purpose and Meaning in Times of Crisis, Loss and Change” handling stress mindfully helps you to be less reactive focusing on the big picture of a stressor. When automatically reacting to stressors you’re reacting out of your unconscious, which is largely programmed from early childhood. In other words, automatic, defensive reactions tend to be coming from your inner child. You’re also probably focusing on the details of the situation.

Alexander says, “The key to dealing with stressful situations, especially for those who take things personally, is to develop a deeply grounded core rudder so that no matter what size of wave one encounters they can recover quickly and proceed with more focus.” To remain grounded he recommends developing “mindstrength” through mindfulness meditation practice. “Mindstrength is the ability to easily and quickly shift from a reactive mode to becoming fully present in the moment, experiencing the full force of your emotions even as you recognize that they are temporary and will soon dissipate.”

He says mindfulness practices affect your brain’s amygdala, the area responsible for regulating emotions. When the amygdala is relaxed, your stress response is more balanced. Your:
* Heart rate lowers;
* Breathing deepens and slows;
* Body stops releasing cortisol and adrenaline into the bloodstream, decreasing the potential damage chronic stress places on your body;

Over time, mindfulness meditation, Alexander says, “thickens the region of the brain responsible for optimism and a sense of well-being. This area is also associated with creativity and an increased sense of curiosity, as well as the ability to be reflective and observe how your mind works.”

When in stressful situations he encourages you to answer these questions, taking your pulse of the here and now:
What do I feel right now?
Do these feelings benefit me in any way? If I feel anxious and fearful, do these emotions lead me to insights, or do they cause conflict, hold me back, and distract or weaken me?
If what I’m experiencing is in response to another person’s behavior, what’s the evidence that that person’s actions have little or nothing to do with me and are, instead, the result of what’s going on inside his/her own mind?
Can I depersonalize the situation?
How can I nourish myself at this difficult time?

Finally, Alexander says, “Mindfulness meditation and other disciplines such as martial arts, tai chi, and yoga are excellent ways of quieting the rational mind and opening up to the intuitive mind and its link to the spiritual creative force. Through this connection you can build “mindstrength,” stop reactivity, and focus on the big picture.” (www.ronaldalexander.com)

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Mindfulness loosens grip of old resentment
Stop inappropriate defensive reaction
Stress for Success
June 15, 2010

Everyone has at least some childhood pain that’s triggered by present-day situations leaving you to misdiagnose the cause of your current stress. The setting off of these largely unconscious memories activates their associated emotions and typically a defensive reaction from you. And the stronger your pain the faster you react leaving potentially a millisecond between the triggering event and your habitual reaction to it. This is why it’s so difficult to change defensive behavior.

For example, your boss condescends to you and you verbally respond more aggressively than you want. Could the real problem be that your boss is simply triggering some unresolved childhood issue? If so, could identifying it loosen its grip on you?

Ask this revealing question to discover if your boss is truly your stress or if he’s triggering an earlier source:
* “Who or what from childhood could trigger this same reaction in me?”

Maybe your father was condescending. Now, as an adult, whenever an authority figure appears to talk down to you your instantaneous, aggressive reaction pops out.

To break outdated and needless reactions become more mindful of what’s going on before, during and after the triggering event and expand the “space of time” between the event and your reaction to it. Eventually you can reduce the intensity, duration and frequency of automatic reactions and respond in a more thoughtful and desirable way.

Here’s how to start:
1. Bring your attention to the present moment, particularly to your breathing; in and out, in and out. At first this may not stop your defensive pattern. Eventually, paying attention to your breathing allows you to observe your unhealthy pattern and ultimately to catch yourself becoming emotionally hooked. Then you’ll be closer to changing your response.
2. Non-judgmentally witnessing your habitual, unproductive reactions helps avoid adding more emotional fuel to the fire. Consistently, over and over bring your drifting attention back to your breathing. Instead of criticizing yourself for getting defensive with your boss simply acknowledge that you sometimes respond to him this way. Notice what he does that triggers you (his derisiveness), your aggressive response, followed by fear that you’ve overstepped the line, then worry that he’ll punish you someday. After one of these episodes set aside contemplative time to observe the unpleasant emotions and physical sensations triggered earlier. Be mindful of these. Observe your thoughts, feelings and fight or flight reactions that exacerbate your stress.
3. Reduce the intensity of your automatic reactions by nipping them in the bud to prevent full development of overwhelming emotions. There’s an opportunity within the first seconds of recognizing your habitual reaction to prevent further escalation. Break these mind/body chain reactions to stop the process. Remember, the less you judge yourself - or him - the less intense your feelings become. Don’t accept nor condemn your emotions, just observe them for what they are, habitual, immature and unhelpful, albeit normal.

Since thoughts determine your emotions next week we’ll look at how mindfulness can help you quiet and calm your mind.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Get off autopilot; kick the past out of the present
Stress for Success
June 8, 2010


It’s disappointing when you habitually react defensively to your critical boss, a dominating parent or whomever. You swear you won’t let him or her get under your skin then, bam! It happens again. Why can’t you get control over yourself?

Many conflicts have less to do with the person in front of you whom you assume is causing your distress and far more to do with this person triggering a painful memory from your past usually involving an important person you believe hurt you. You project onto the present situation your past fears. Practicing mindfulness can help you break your historic patterns even in the midst of difficult emotions.

Meditation teacher Jon Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness as, “Paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.”
* Paying attention: We typically operate on automatic pilot rather than paying conscious attention to the present moment and our place in it. You think of other things, worry about what might happen and react
rather than respond to unfolding events. You’re especially vulnerable to over-reacting when you’re stressed.
* On purpose: Paying attention to what’s happening in this moment requires conscious effort and is the opposite of operating on automatic pilot.
* In the present moment: Versus difficult emotions from your past being triggered pulling you back to habitual reactions.
* Non-judgmentally: Unwelcome situations tend to trigger negative and judgmental assumptions. “You’re unfair!” You instantly judge the situation, others or yourself creating more distress and conflict. Negative judgments imply a certain outcome you desire. “You should be fair.” Too often what you want is for the other person to change. But they’re beyond your control. Non-judgmental mindfulness allows you to see situations more clearly and to evaluate them from an emotional distance thereby dropping your judgment. You observe your emotions and reactions as they arise without trying to control them. Eventually mindfulness allows you to see a typical stressor as less of a big deal and more as a passing, unwanted experience.

Consistently practicing mindfulness, especially when stressed, is difficult but it can bring significant relief and freedom from old, painful patterns.

Mindfulness is not:
* Detaching from experiences nor disengaging emotionally from life. You don’t become indifferent nor lose your enthusiasm. Mindfulness encourages engaging more completely rather than reacting out of habitual patterns.
* Submissively accepting whatever happens. You won’t lie down and play dead in the face of conflict. Non-judgmental mindfulness allows you to respond to difficult situations with understanding and attention rather than habit, impulse or addiction.
* A miracle cure for all that’s wrong.

Mindfulness is an internal strength that can be developed to surmount hurt and pain and grant you greater freedom from your past. It helps you break habitual and defensive life patterns, which can allow you to establish better relationships and increase your kindness toward yourself and others.

Nature, meditation, deep breathing, etc. can help you become more mindful. Next week we’ll continue looking at its benefits and how to develop it.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Grieving puts your body under tremendous stress
Survival fear may exacerbate
Stress for Success
May 25, 2010

Just like with any stress, the death of someone dear to you triggers your stress response along with its resulting hormonal releases, increasing your vulnerably to illness and disease development. But does losing a beloved also trigger a deep evolutionary fear perpetuating an on-going, therefore, a more damaging stress response?

Some researchers believe a survival mechanism is triggered when you lose a close loved one: the natural fear that having lost this person makes you yourself vulnerable to death. This comes from the very human, instinctual bond we have with our families for the survival purposes of protection and finding food. The severing of these bonds could literally mean death to ancestors when affected by such a loss.

So, losing a close loved one not only puts you into a state of grieving but at a very deep, instinctual level it may activate an amorphous anxiety that elevates your stress response on an ongoing basis leaving you stuck in a state of continuous anxiety. Because you don’t physically act on your stress energy but rather “stew in your own juices,” your body is put under tremendous stress. Just some of the symptoms of accumulating stress include:
* Loss of focus;
* Disrupted eating and sleeping patterns;
* Panic attacks;
* Shallow breathing;
* Digestion, metabolism and circulation changes;
* Less coordination possibly causing falls;
* Weakened immune system making you more vulnerable to colds, etc.;

Depending upon your condition before your loss, if the stress from grieving continues long enough you can be vulnerable to developing many physical symptoms or illnesses such as:
* Infection;
* Cardiovascular disease;
* Rheumatoid arthritis;
* Dry mouth;
* Leukemia, lymphoma;
* Lupus;
* Alcoholism and drug abuse;
* Pneumonia;
* Diabetes;
* Glaucoma;
* Malnutrition;
* Chronic itching;
* Depression;

When you’re grieving it’s important to know that you can protect yourself from these and other symptoms. A very important first step is to accept that your body is in a state of crisis and to take care of it exceptionally well for the foreseeable future (and for the rest of your life). Are you:
* Eating healthfully?
* Resting and relaxing enough?
* Taking enough time off from work?
* Exercising?
* Drinking enough water?
* Saying “no” to unimportant things?
* Seeking professional help if necessary?
* Treating yourself to a massage, music, etc.?
There’s no time table of when you “should” experience the different stages of grief nor how long it should take you to move through them. There is no certainty that your increased stress will cause any illness or contribute to the development of any diseases. The best way to ensure that you limit any potential physical and emotional consequences is to take very, very good care of yourself. Develop excellent self-care habits and continue them far beyond your time of grieving. You’ll reap the rewards of more energy and better mental and physical health to help you move into the next phase of your life when you’re ready.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Everybody grieves in their own way
Need to go through it, not around it
Stress for Success
May 18, 2010


Some believe healthy grieving means going through all of the Kubler-Ross Model stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance - but don’t take this as an absolute road map. Each of us grieves in our own way. However, the one thing I’ve learned as a licensed mental health counselor is that you need to go through your grief, not around it. If you deny or avoid it you’ll still have to experience it some day before you can move on.

So grieve you must for according to the National Mental Health Association, “The loss of a loved one is life’s most stressful event,” especially if you made decisions about the way he or she passed away.

Psychologists estimate that 15% of grieving people experience especially painful “complicated grief.” This goes beyond “normal” bereavement to feeling that life has lost all meaning and a shaking of the foundation of your personal beliefs, even religious ones. If it’s prolonged, it can lead to physical illness and clinical depression. Other common symptoms include:
* Feeling distant from or hostile toward some people;
* Obsessive and agonizing yearning for your loved one and feeling abandoned when reality returns;
* Avoiding places that remind you of your loved one;

Obviously, the loss of a child is particularly difficult. Columbia University’s School of Nursing researchers’ survey found that more than 60% of parents still actively grieve the loss of their children even 20 years after their deaths.

The sudden loss of a spouse can produce similar pain. Surviving spouses lose more than their partner, they lose a way of life and possibly some friends and financial security.

Many say that sharing their grief minimizes the feeling that they’re “sleepwalking” - numb, exhausted, disorganized, confused - and of feeling overwhelmed. If you’re experiencing these feelings, be kind to and patient with yourself. Postpone important decisions if you can until you’ve worked through much of your grief. If you have trouble coping get help from a counselor. If you develop clinical depression consider an antidepressant.

Self-care is also vital to minimize the possibility of developing an illness: eat well, get sufficient sleep, and avoid self-medicating with alcohol or drugs. Watch for physical stress symptoms like:
* Lethargy
* Sleeplessness
* Appetite loss
* Loss of interest in things you previously enjoyed
* Uncertainty
* Digestive and other health problems
If these symptoms linger, get professional help. Even if you have no obvious symptoms consider having a physical check-up six months after the death of your beloved to make sure you’re not paying any physical consequences.

After awhile you start to realize that you haven’t totally lost your loved one. Looking at photos there’s a sense that they’re still with you through the history you shared together. This is a sign that you’re moving through, not around, your grief. You don’t want to forget your loved one, but accept that progressing through grief is a process that is necessary and normal and eases eventually moving into the next phase of your life.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Human connections ease pain
It is important to be open to support, love when grieving
Stress for Success
May 11, 2010

The loss of a loved one is a special kind of stress. Your world can be fine one moment and upside-down the next. Your grieving symptoms can run from fuzzy thinking to muscle tension to depression to illness.

Once again I find myself grieving the loss of a loved one only six months after my step-son passed away. This time it’s an older, prankster brother - who’d douse my sheets with water in the middle of MN winters and ditch my glasses in the toilet just for fun. He succumbed to cancer, a cruel disease made worse by his horrible treatment hell.

Over the past year of his battle I, of course, worried about him but mostly wouldn’t let myself go there. His situation was so beyond my control and worrying only increases stress. I mostly redirected my thinking to something within my control like imaging his cancer shrinking (which obviously did no good other than to keep me from worrying).

Going through this with him proved to me once again that human connections ease the pain. It’s refreshingly amazing during trying times how people come out of the woodwork to do kind things, like the local doctor who doesn’t know me from anyone but emailed me Internet research study links that might help my brother. There’s goodness everywhere.

I’m grateful for the support I received from so many like my husband keeping a close eye on me, especially at the funeral. Friends and my “paloaltos” and other members of the symphony chorus I sing with who inquired about my brother, suggested resources and checked to see that I was OK. All made me feel loved and protected with their many phone calls, emails, hugs and offers of help.

After my parents passed away so closely together in 1998 I took a grieving class at Hope Hospice in Fort Myers. Everyone else in this group was grieving the loss of a spouse, which taught me two very important things:
* Appreciate my husband while I have him;
* When a spouse dies your entire life changes;

My life hasn’t changed appreciably with my brother’s passing. My sister-in-law’s has. Everything has changed for her. Any goals they shared are now up in the air. Her future looks totally different whereas mine doesn’t. It’s safe to say her stress far outweighs mine. With her best friend by her side the entire time before, during and after the funeral she has the best kind of support to begin her grieving. She, as everyone else, will move through it in her own way. We all grieve differently.

It’s said that it’s better to give than to receive but when you’re grieving it’s important to be willing to receive others’ support. When you lose your spouse it’s even more important to open yourself to the power of love from supportive others. Let it bathe you in the power of human connection, facilitating your movement through your grief. So, I’m going to call my sister-in-law now, it’ll be good for both of us.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Friendship influenced by biology
Women, men differ, believe it or not
Stress for Success
April 13, 2010


Is it natural that women are likelier than men to have more close friends? Since this behavioral pattern is found in animals it does suggest that turning to others probably has biological origins.

According to UCLA psychologist Shelly Taylor, “females enjoy the comfort of one another’s company,” like prairie vole males who react to stressful conditions by seeking out their female mates, while females turn to other females. And female bonobo monkeys form intense, long-lasting bonds with other females, much more so than males.

And in both humans and animals the pattern of nurturing well -- or not -- is passed on. Vervet monkeys, for example, who were mistreated or deprived in infancy don’t mother their own offspring as well as nurtured monkeys do. Humans who were abused as children are more likely to become abusive parents, too, according to Taylor and many researchers. Additionally, children who don’t receive much physical attention or warmth are at risk for a wide range of serious physical and mental health problems.

Across cultures females are taught to care for others from an early age. Playing with dolls, caring for younger siblings, baby-sitting others’ children and eventually caring for their own kids, parents and even in-laws, are typical for most females.

Taylor goes on to say that relationships are vital and that “social ties are the cheapest medicine we have.” What great health care is that?

I’ve written before about women’s possible built-in advantage in coping with chronic stress due to the hormone oxytocin , which facilitates child birth and nursing and is experienced by both genders during orgasm and bonding. Some researchers believe this bonding hormone protects women against the ravages of too much exposure to the fight/flight hormones. (Oxytocin doesn’t seem to protect stressed men since their testosterone interferes with it.) This suggests that attachment behavior, more associated with females, is a natural stress inoculant giving females a distinct survival advantage. This is a wonderful antidote for stress that women should continue to rely upon. Men could also put more energy into their relationships and reap similar benefits.

But is this hormonal difference a blessing and a curse to women?

Psychologist Alice Domar at the Mind/Body Medical Institute at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston says data clearly show that women are more stressed on a daily basis than are men and not because they ruminate more as once thought.

“Men worry about three things: their immediate family, job and money,” she says. “Women worry on a daily basis about up to 12 things: their immediate family, job, money, extended family, friends, their kids’ friends, the way the house looks, their weight, the dog, etc.”

So women may have a built-in resiliency to stress with additional oxytocin releases but also have more stress, much of it over the very relationships that protect women from stress. The trick to this is to stop stewing about anything and anyone beyond your control and when you feel stressed call a friend, or make a friend if you don’t have one.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Stress plays role in weight gain
Dissolve tensions by resolving issues
Stress for Success
March 23, 2010


Unless you’ve ignored all news over recent decades you know that obesity either causes or worsens six of the seven most common chronic diseases that fuel sky-rocketing health care costs, including diabetes and heart disease. There’s a plethora of programs to help you lose weight, some more effective than others. Yet the obesity epidemic continues, disturbingly and increasingly among children.

But losing weight isn’t only about eating a healthier diet and moving your body more, crucial as these are. Another very important contributor to weight gain – stress - needs to also be acknowledged and addressed if true weight loss is to be sustained over the long haul.

Americans are vulnerable to too much stress due to our society’s fast pace and to our penchant for so little time off from work. If we took as many days off as the German’s – the average American works 12.5 weeks more/year – how many of us would simply get another job rather than enjoy the time off? It’s not only corporate America who’s stingy with time off; it seems that workaholism is part of the American psyche. But over the years it takes its toll on our collective health.

Exacerbating this traditional stressful lifestyle is our rotten economy creating chronic stress for most of us. Chronic stress typically triggers weight gain, which can lead to obesity, which contributes to so many diseases.

You can find yourself packing on the pounds when you’re under increased pressure because when stressed your survival brain tells you to eat more carbohydrates. It would be one thing if you reached for complex carbs like carrot sticks but of course we tend to go for donuts or other refined flour and high-fat foods, contributing to diabetes and heart disease.

But becoming consciously aware that the urge to eat carbohydrates is part of the normal stress response can help you make healthier choices. Additionally, just because your brain pushes you to eat carbs, doesn’t mean you have to eat the bad ones. You could choose to eat healthy ones. Hopefully all weight loss programs tell you this.

You can lose all the weight you want but if you’re still highly stressed you’ll have to fight this carbohydrate urge endlessly. So, include a stress reduction plan along with your weight loss regimen, heart-healthy plan, or your diabetes management approach.

The most effective strategy for stress reduction is to face your challenges and solve them. What are your options regarding each stressor? If you can’t see any talk to someone who could help you. By reducing your stress you’ll diminish your natural stress response’s urge for carbs.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Employers can help cut health care costs
Stress for Success
March 9, 2010

Health care costs are exploding and endangering our economic recovery and future stability. Government can’t fix the cause. Only we can because we, individually, are the cause.

First, here are some of the facts.

Employers’ average per employee cost for health care grew from $6,384 in 2003 to $9,312 in 2008. During these same years, employees’ share of their own health care costs increased 59%, creating great stress among many. (Source: Towers Perrin 2008 Health Care Cost Survey)

The cost of health insurance premiums has far outpaced the rate of inflation and earnings over the past 20 years (source: Kaiser Family Foundation, 2005) and if food prices had risen at the same rate since the 1930s we’d be paying:
* $80.20for a dozen eggs;
* $13.70 for a pound of sugar;
* $122.48 for a pound of bacon;

And no wonder our premiums have skyrocketed. An Indiana University-Purdue University, Fort Wayne Study in 2006 found that employee lifestyle counts for a vast majority of health care claims costs: 87.5% to be exact! This seems extreme to me because it doesn’t seem to take into account our genetic weaknesses. My belief is that your genetics, along with your good and bad habits of a lifetime determine which afflictions you’ll suffer. Your stress level throughout your life will determine when your genetic weaknesses will kick in.

Having said that, if your workforce is typical compared to national demographics there are health risks and costs you face. For every 100 employees you can expect:
* 25 to have cardio vascular disease;
* 12 asthma;
* 6 diabetes;
* 26 high blood pressure;
* 30 high cholesterol;
* 38 overweight;
* 21 smoke;
* 31 use alcohol excessively;
* 24 don’t exercise;
* 44 suffer from stress;

To pay for rising healthcare employers have increased copays and deductibles and switched providers. This has only restrained costs for awhile so employers are now working to motivate employees to live a healthier lifestyle through wellness programs. Impressively 62% of all companies offer them. This is great news!

The National Business Group on Health in 2005 documented the many benefits organizations realize after implementing workplace wellness programs. Below they’re listed in order of their benefit:
* Increased morale, 56%;
* Employee health improvement, 41%;
* Reduce health care costs, 27%;
* Reduce accidents on the job, 9%;
* Reduce absenteeism, 8%;
* Increase productivity, 8%;

So is an employer’s return on investment worth the cost of a wellness program? What is the savings per dollar invested? Many published studies on worksite wellness found that the ROI is $3.48:1 due to reduced medical costs and $5.82:1 due to reduced absenteeism. (Sources: Aldana, SG, 2001, and Chapman, LS, 2005)

But after all is said and done, “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.” Will your employees drink from the wellness stream? After all, the improvement in our health must ultimately be done by us individually, my topic for next week.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Playing more can help avoid burnout
Stress for Success
February 22, 2010


Is “free-play,” spontaneous versus structured play like sports, genetically programmed into us? Is it a survival skill?

The animal kingdom sheds light on this. Do young animals play? If you’ve ever had puppies or kittens, seen animals in the wild or watched squirrels in your yard you know the answer’s a resounding “yes.”

Play may be a very ancient evolutionary development. Rats that had their neocortex removed, the brain region in humans involved in executive thinking, still engage in normal play suggesting that the urge to play originates in the brain stem, a portion of the brain that preceded mammals. “This means that the core, genetically-provided circuitry for play is situated in the very ancient regions of the brain,” explains Jaak Panksepp, now of Washington State University, who led this experiment in 1994.

Research over decades has shown that children who experience substantial free-play develop more normal social, emotional and cognitive skills. They become better adjusted, smarter and less stressed.

Play is also important to adults. It’s one of the best ways to stave off burnout, which is very important since burnout is difficult to defeat, especially when it’s advanced.

In the 1980s I burned out quickly after only two years in the mental health field. I could barely get out of bed on Monday mornings. Again, in 1998 I became burned out after caring for both of my parents with their respective end-of-life illnesses. I lost virtually all interest in my work, which was highly unusual for me since I’ve always loved my present profession.

Both bouts of burnout required drastic changes of me. The first episode pushed me to quit working for others and start my own business. The more recent spate motivated my husband and me to sell his business and our home to travel the country for a year in a motor home. I doubt any tweaking around the edges would have cured me since I allowed my burnout to reach fever pitch requiring a total makeover to recover from it.

A much better prescription for avoiding burnout to begin with is to get enough play. Without it, your lifestyle’s frenetic busyness can wear you down.

Here are three ways to increase adulthood play. To be effective, make sure there are no time pressures and goals to accomplish:
* Physical play requiring active movement;
* Object play using your hands to create something you enjoy;
* Social play has you joining others in social activities from conversations to games;

Do something that’s fun for you. What did you enjoy doing as a kid? Can you do that again in your current life? Spend time with kids who are playing. Don’t wait for work to lessen because it doesn’t. Schedule time for play or you won’t do it.

Don’t worry that it’s wasting time since it will make you more productive at work. Splurge by doing something fun at least weekly. Use it or lose it; have more fun or you’ll lose the ability.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Free-play a serious matter
Stress for Success
February 16, 2010

My mother often said, “You’re young so short a time. Enjoy it. Play. Don’t try to grow up so fast.” And play we did. Didn’t you? With neighborhood kids we rode bikes, swam at the community pool, had snow-ball fights, and played Simon Says until we had to go home.

Many kids today are experiencing very different childhoods. “Free-play” is losing some of its luster. A 2005 paper in The Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine stated that children’s free-play time decreased by 25% between 1981 and 1997. Structured activities like music lessons and sports are taking its place in parents’ attempt to get their kids into the right schools. But this reduces free-play.

Kids who don’t experience free-play may grow into apprehensive, socially neurotic adults and are at greater risk for violence. Psychiatrist Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play in Carmel Valley, CA, found that most killers had two things in common: they were from abusive homes and they never played as kids. From his research he discovered that a lack of unstructured, imaginative play can keep children from growing into happy, well-adjusted adults.

A 1997 study of children living in poverty and at high risk of school failure found that those who attended play-oriented preschools were more socially adjusted later in life than those who attended play-free preschools where teachers continually directed them. By age 23, more than one third of kids who’d attended play-free preschools had been arrested for felonies versus fewer than one tenth of play-oriented preschoolers.

“The consequence of a life that is seriously play-deprived is serious stuff,” Brown says. But it’s never too late to start.

But why is free-play better than structured activities like soccer?

According to University of Minnesota educational psychologist, Anthony D. Pellegrini, “games have a priori rules – set up in advance and followed. Play … doesn’t have a priori rules, so it affords more creative responses.” This challenges kids’ developing brains more than following predetermined rules by using their imaginations trying out new behaviors and roles.

Free-play versus being told how to behave helps kids develop stronger social skills. By interacting with peers, they discover what’s acceptable and what’s not. They learn to be fair and take turns or risk losing friends. When having fun, they don’t give up as easily when frustrated as they might on a school problem, which helps them develop perseverance and negotiating skills. Additionally, to keep things friendly kids must communicate, the most important social skill of all. Peer play is the most important in this respect since children use more sophisticated language when playing with other children than when playing with adults.

According to Gordon Burghardt author of “The Genesis of Animal Play,” the free-play activity shouldn’t have a clear goal and children should initiate and create their own scenarios like pretending to be doctors or play house.

So, I guess my mother was right to let kids be kids. Mental well-being and social maturity are more important than getting into the perfect school anyway.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Focus on your goals, but don’t miss out on today
Stress for Success
February 9, 2010

Balance: a state of equilibrium, equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.

Seeking balance in your life is a cornerstone of stress management; such as don’t under- or over-exercise, if you’re too passive you’d be wise to become more assertive, etc.

Another area in which it’s wise to seek balance is in where you focus your energy: on tomorrow’s goals or today’s life.

Author of “Finding Flow” Csikszentmihalyi encourages us to create lives of greater meaning and happiness with less ruminating on the negative by continually working toward goals. “ ... goals shape and determine the kind of person you become. Without them it’s difficult to develop a coherent self.”

But some people take this to the extreme, putting too much energy into pursuing goals creating an imbalance. They continually focus on the future while missing much of today, like the hard-driving career person who approaches a beautiful sunset without even noticing it. Being goal-oriented is great, but not to the exclusion of the here and now.

Others would say focusing on future goals is largely a waste of time because, as Buddhists believe, one’s reality is in the present moment; the here and now. To practitioners, focusing on the future means missing reality. Living in the moment facilitates mental and emotional balance because it means giving up your worries about the future and your regrets about the past. Besides, working so tirelessly on goal attainment often doesn’t bring you the satisfaction you’d hoped for anyway.

But focusing exclusively on the here and now may not prepare you for the future. The reality of our economic society, for example, requires knowing where your next paycheck is coming from to pay bills and that requires at least some level of planning for the future.

This is where balance is important. Over-focusing on tomorrow means missing today; ask parents who concentrated on work and missed their kids growing up. Over-focusing on today may find you in love with the spontaneous but forgetting important work deadlines or other commitments.

The trick is to seek balance. The more an imbalance pushes down one side of the scale the more you need to rectify it by doing something quite different to create a better equilibrium. For example, you high-speeders racing into the future might want to balance your goal-focused tendencies by increasing your mindfulness of things you do daily, like playing with your kids and focusing your attention on their touch, adorability, and the good feelings inside you when you interact in a loving way with them. Regular meditation would be great for you allowing you to be more aware of the present.

If you tend to mostly live in the moment, scraping together your rent money, prepare a budget and figure out where your necessary income will come from. Set goals of how to adjust your income and expenses.

Seeking a balance in how much you focus on the present and the future allows you to enjoy the journey as well as plan for and secure your future.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Setting goals improves mood
Stress for Success
January 26, 2010

“What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is,
in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence
is what we do.” -- John Ruskin, 19th Century English social thinker

What do you talk about accomplishing? Do you put your money where your mouth is? You should because by regularly setting realistic goals and accomplishing them you’ll improve your moods and self-esteem and lower your stress.

Author of Finding Flow, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi says, “ . . . we often walk through our days ... out of touch with our emotional lives. As a result of this inattention, we find ourselves constantly bouncing between two extremes: during much of the day we live inundated by the ... pressures of our work and obligations, and during our leisure moments, we tend to live in passive boredom.”

To avoid this uninspiring lifestyle he encourages creating goals on which to focus. “ ... goals shape and determine the kind of person you become. Without them it’s difficult to develop a coherent self.”

Working on objectives also improves your moods. Csikszentmihalyi says that when your attention isn’t focused on goals your mind wanders and settles on the negative, causing stress and leading you to miss what’s going well. This leads to distracting yourself through passive leisure activities like TV, drugs, etc. Setting and accomplishing goals that stretch you prohibits distracting thoughts and negative feelings because your attention is so focused on accomplishment. Minor aches and pains also drift to the background of your awareness.

In addition to defining your vision, writing a SMART goal and an action plan, covered in previous articles (see previous articles here at http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com,) here are some final tips to reach your goals:
* For each goal set specific and realistic start and completion dates. If you’re not meeting your deadlines revise them since unattained goals increase stress.
* Identify the people who can help you. For my goal of marketing my newly published book I truly need the help of marketing people, my husband, and hopefully a college intern.
* Assess your current skills that can help you accomplish your goal. For marketing my book/keynotes my present skills include:
o Communicating my message;
o Organization for contacting radio/tv hosts/producers and speakers bureaus; follow-up persistence to secure interviews/dates;
o Calmness during interviews;
* Identify the skills that you need to acquire and develop. For my goal there are too many to list here.

Finally, know what’s in it for you to accomplish your goal. For me, this includes:
* Increased income;
* Shorter speeches vs. multi-hour workshops, diminishing vocal-chord strain;
* Spreading the word regarding the bad news about stress (it makes you vulnerable to illness and disease development) and the GREAT news (schedule more rest away from it to protect your well-being);

“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living,
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.” Mark Twain

You owe yourself the life you want. So make it happen, step by step.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Create an action plan to make your vision a reality
Stress for Success
January 19, 2010


“Any wind favors one who has no port.” Source Unknown

If you’re frustrated with your life but don’t know what to change, then any “wind” will carry you wherever it’s going, which may or may not be where you want to go.

Recent articles have been about “living a life by design, not by accident” and setting SMART goals to attain your vision. This week we’ll look at creating an action plan to initiate your movement, because,

“A goal without a plan is just a dream.” Source Unknown

Setting goals is easy. Anyone can do it. You’ve known others, yourself perhaps, who boast, “I’m going to do this …,” “I’m going to accomplish that ...” and seldom follow through. To create the life you want you must do the difficult work of creating a realistic action plan then making it happen.

To greatly improve the odds that you’ll follow through on your action plan write it down (be sure to have it in writing) and include:
* Specific steps;
* Deadlines for accomplishing each;
* Announce the goal to trusted others;
* Reward yourself for accomplishing steps along the way;

I’ll use the example of promoting my newly published book hoping that by broadcasting what I’ve been historically bad at – marketing – it will keep my toes to the fire.

My vision:
* Getting out my book’s message to help counter the national epidemic of obesity, diabetes, cardio vascular disease, digestive issues, etc., through national keynote presentations and tv/radio interviews, selling my books along the way;

My SMART goal:
* Specific: to book 8 national keynotes/year and at least 7 interviews/month b7 January, 2011;
* Measurable: the numbers above make it measureable;
* Action-oriented:
o Send book to all speakers bureaus listed on-line by February 15, 2010, with a minimum of 5 follow up calls to each;
o Secure a marketing intern student;
o Contact at least 30 radio/tv producers/hosts/month to book a minimum of 7 interviews/month starting now;
o Upload to my website recorded radio/tv interviews I’ve done and interviewer endorsements by January 20, 2010;
o Finish my next book by December, 2010;
o (There are many more specific steps but my column has a 500 word limit.)

These actions are Realistic and the Timing is possible, satisfying the final two components of a SMART goal.

As the months progress I’ll track each contacted radio/tv producer and completed interviews, speakers bureaus contacted and speeches scheduled to make sure I’m on target. My first assessment to make sure I’ve done all I’ve committed to is April 1, 2010. If I haven’t I’ll re-work my goal and action steps.

My reward for quarterly milestones accomplished will be a full day off to play with no connections to work (email, etc.)

So, now that I’ve told you all of this it places pressure on me to carry out my plan. When (not if) successful it will be the first time I’m ever followed through on a marketing plan! Wish me luck.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Let your goals take you to desired destination
Stress for Success
January 12, 2010


The beginning of the year is symbolically a great time to rethink the direction of your life. Are you on target for where you want to be? Do your action-steps need to be tweaked or do you need a complete redo?

“Where your energy goes, results show.” -- Jack Canfield

“To live your life by design, not by accident,” put your energy into setting and accomplishing goals that will lead you to your desired destination.

In past weeks I’ve addressed setting goals with “the end in mind.” And last week I shared an activity that can help you define your vision, your “end.”

This week, let’s consider the process of writing goals.

To increase the likelihood of accomplishing your goals, write (be sure to put them on paper) SMART ones.
* Specific: don’t confuse goal setting with stating a desire. E.g., “I want a job that allows me to spend more time with my family.” How much time is more? Twice the time? How much time are you spending with them now? Unless it’s specific, you won’t have a target to shoot for nor can you know when and if you’ve reached it.
* Measurable: include numbers, percentages, deadlines, etc., to measure your progress. For example, your goal is to find a job that allows you to be home by 6:00 p.m. daily and travel a maximum of four days/month.
* Action-oriented: this is the heart and soul of setting goals. Whatever you’re shooting for requires taking action. What must you do to find and get a job that allows you to be home by 6:00 p.m. most days? You’ll need to:
o Research jobs in the area;
o Know each job’s requirements;
o During the interview ask enough questions to pin down the interviewer about travel and realistic work hours;
* Realistic: you must research your parameters of being home most evenings and limited business travel to find out if they’re realistic in the present job market. Would they be perceived by a potential employer as a drawback and make you a less desirable candidate?
* Timing: Are your parameters realistic with the timing of needing a job? When doing research, does it seem that there are so few jobs right now that you need to take anything that comes along? For how long can you go without a job without jeopardizing paying your bills, including your mortgage?

Keeping these five steps in mind, it’s time to write your SMART goal:
* E.g., To find a job by April 1 that has regular work hours allowing me to be home by 6:00 p.m. the majority of days with a maximum of four days of travel a month.
* (You can expand your SMART goal by defining the kind of job you want, as well. Be specific.)

Now that you have your goal written you’ll need to develop an action plan, my topic for next week because, “A goal without a plan is just a dream.” Source unknown.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Decide what you want, then make it happen
Stress for Success
January 5, 2010


“Live a life by design, not by accident,” said Dr. Rick Brinkman, a former colleague. What would the life you’re meant to live look like? Can you create it?

People tell me that I’m lucky to love what I do. I respond that luck has nothing to do with it; I read a book in 1979 (I guess I was lucky to come upon it), filled out the assessment (below) and voila, it pointed me toward what I’ve been doing ever since. Making it happen came from hard work, persistence, and most importantly, the belief that I could make it happen. If you don’t think you can improve your life, then you won’t even try.

If your life isn’t what you wanted what needs to happen to create a more appealing one? By “following your bliss” as Joseph Campbell said your life will be much more meaningful and less stressful.

Last week I wrote about creating New Year’s goals with the “end in mind” and briefly referred to the exercise that led me to my life’s work. If you’d like to reshape your life follow these directions. With patience you can discern your bliss, your “end.”

Directions (from “How to Put More Time into Your Life” by Dr. Dru Scott)
1. Consider your personal, professional and social lives, for each:
* What do you want/need more of?
* What do you want/need less of?
o List 20 – 30 items under each question. There will be cross over between the lists, for instance “more money,” “less debt.”

Listing 20 - 30 items isn’t easy. Keep at it. Listen for the implied “more/less of” desires in your complaints. Like complaining about commuting may imply you want “less driving,” “more working out of your home.”

2. Next, regarding your personal, professional and social lives, what do you hope your lifestyle and accomplishments will have been by the time you die?

Fill out these four lists many times over the next few weeks. Whatever repetitively shows up is forming the outline of your desired life. What reappeared in my lists included more:
* Travel;
* Money;
* Presenting workshops;
* Flexibility;
* Independence;

Less:
* Traditional work hours;
* Bureaucracy;
* Commuting;
* Politics;
* Dead-end work;

Accomplishments/lifestyle:
* A great marriage;
* World travel, adventure;
* Make more money/hour and work fewer hours;
* Author books;
* Self-employment working out of our home;

This exercise made it crystal clear that I wanted to start my own speaking business, travel the country and world presenting programs on topics that fascinated me and help people make desired changes. Once I started working toward this vision my considerable job burnout instantly started melting and gave meaning to everything I did in pursuit of my desired lifestyle. It has been my passion for 30 years.

Lily Tomlin once said, “I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.” Don’t let life just happen to you. Take control and figure out which somebody you want to become. Then little by little make it happen.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Set goals with the “end in mind”
Stress for Success
December 29, 2009

Goodbye and good riddance to 2009, right? Let’s make 2010 a much more stable year by learning from the past to prepare for our futures.

“Start with the end in mind,” said Steven Covey, author of “7 Habits of Highly Successful People.” Seeing how your day-to-day efforts move you toward larger and important - even distant - goals creates energy, willpower and the motivation to accomplish them. Plus, making steady progress toward your vision gives your life greater meaning, therefore significantly less stress on a daily basis.

So, where do you want to be in three - five years? You can create New Year’s goals to nudge you in that direction. If you don’t know your destination, answer the two magic questions repeatedly over several weeks about your personal and professional lives:
* “What do I want/need more of?”
* “What do I want/need less of?”
Whatever repetitively appears on successive lists paints a picture of your desired destination around which you form your smaller goals.

Answering these same two questions also helps when you know your destination.

Let’s say that in three years you plan to graduate from college and get a better job than the one you lost during this recession. Keeping the end in mind, you define your vision as regaining financial stability, protecting yourself from being unemployed again and getting serious about saving for your retirement, which is twenty years down the road. To reach it you want/need:

More:
* time to study;
* sharing of household responsibilities to create that time;
* paying off debt;
* savings;
* energy to succeed in school;
* weight loss;
* satisfaction with what you have;

Less:
* debt;
* perfectionism about unimportant tasks;
* stress over finances;
* unnecessary spending;
* wanting what you don’t have;

Next, set and achieve smaller goals to reach your vision within three years. But set realistic ones since unattained goals create stress. For example:
* Pay down credit cards faster, even if only by a small amount, and when they’re paid off, deposit that same amount of money monthly into savings;
* Create and stick to a reasonable budget and stop buying what you can’t afford;
* Take an assertiveness class to learn how to set limits with your family and to request their help in sharing responsibilities;
* Start walking a mile a day multiple times a week to lose weight and get healthier;
* Begin each day being grateful for your blessings;

Keep your destination on your mind by making a colorful and appealing collage that depicts it. Post it at home, in your office and/or in your car to keep you focused on what you need to do daily to accomplish it. Even tiny investments of time toward one of your goals, like making a five minute phone call, give the rest of your day more meaning while reducing your stress.

So, what are you waiting for? Get started and make 2010 and less stressful year.

Happy New Year!

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Pets can be great stress relievers
Research shows they lower your blood pressureStress for Success
December 15, 2009



Recently, watching a loving friend sleeping while draped over my lap (our cat Blue) I realized that I’ve never written about pets and stress. So let me right this wrong for they are one of your best stress breaks, at least if you like animals.

My husband and I have virtually always had cats over the last 33 years and we can attest to their calming influence. This became clearest to me during an episode of chronic stress – parental care giving. Frequently, dragging myself home after incredibly stressful days our two adorable Siamese kittens would use me as a Jungle Jim melting away my stress in seconds.

These beloved best friends provide constant comfort while bringing out our own nurturing instincts. They serve as a distraction from weightier issues and stave off loneliness. They never judge us if we’ve gained weight or even abused drugs. We can be ourselves with them. They love us unconditionally.

There’s much research reporting the health benefits of pets like from the CDC: pets can decrease blood pressure, cholesterol, triglyceride levels, and loneliness.

The State University of NY at Buffalo studied 48 stockbrokers with no medical conditions other than hypertension, who in the previous five years lived alone with no pets. Half of them were assigned a cat or dog, while the others remained alone. Six months later, those caring for a pet had significantly lower blood pressure than those without pets. “When we told the group that didn’t have pets about the findings, many went out and got pets,” says researcher Karen Allen, Ph.D. “This study shows that if you have high blood pressure, a pet is very good for you … and pet ownership is especially good if you have a limited support system.” Pets can even lower blood pressure better than drugs, especially during stressful times.

Dr. Allen also examined the effects of friends, spouses and pets on stress over unpleasant tasks. Compared with human support, “the presence of pets was associated with lower perceived and actual responses to stress.”

Other research finds:
* Petting an animal calms you lowering your heart rate and blood pressure;
* Pets can provide exercise, helping your heart;
* In 1999 UCLA Public Health report: AIDS patients with no pets were about three times more likely to report symptoms of depression than those who had close attachment to pets. Elderly people with close connections to pets had fewer doctor visits; those with disabilities reported improved health status;
* A City Hospital in NY study: heart patients with pets were significantly more likely to be alive a year after being discharged than those with no pets. The presence of a pet was found to increase survival more than having a spouse or friends!
* A 2007 Met Life study found pets ward off elderly depression;

Pets aren’t for everyone. But if you’re a fan, connect regularly with your pet and nurture their emotional connection and support. If you don’t have a furry best friend consider getting one to significantly reduce your stress.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html.

I wrote my book to “wake you up!”
Stress for Success
December 8, 2009

I’ve learned some things about stress over my 25 years of international speaking:
§ The most important point is that stress is in the mind of the beholder, what stresses you may not stress your neighbor;
§ Much if not most of your stress is in your interpretations, not in the stressor itself;
§ Most want to believe that “they” or “it” cause their stress;
§ Most don’t want to do the hard work of stress management, which requires that playing devil’s advocate with your own thoughts - the difficult part of stress management;
§ You probably know what you’re supposed to do to reduce stress - healthy eating, exercise, meditate, etc. - but probably don’t do enough;

This is what motivated me to write my recently published book, “Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain and Simple” (available at http://letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html). It drives me nuts (I know, I choose to be driven nuts) when people continue to barrel through life accumulating tons of stress, not realizing the physical and emotional damage they’re doing to themselves then doing too little to protect themselves from it.

I am passionate about helping people make this very conscious connection between the parade of stressors that march through their lives and the physical and emotional symptoms they exhibit. Once they become very aware of this connection my hope is that instead of taking daily aspirins for headaches or Nexium for ongoing indigestion or blood pressure medication they’ll see their symptoms for what most of them are: symptoms of stress. Instead of popping pills they could work to lower their stress.

My book is about the damage from chronic stress (too much stress for too long) that makes you vulnerable to illness and disease development. You’ve read in this column numerous times the negative consequences from diabetes to depression, headaches to heart disease. My mission is to scare you with the research and to wake you up to the “why” you need to adopt healthier habits.

To explain the consequences of chronic stress, Robert Sapolsky, Stanford University’s brilliant stress researcher and author of “Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers,” says:
“No single disastrous effect, no lone gunman. Instead, kicking and poking and impeding, here and there, make this a bit worse, [make] that a bit less effective. Thus, making it more likely for the roof to cave in one day.”

The way I convey the damage is drip, drip, drip.

Depressing as this may be, there is also GREAT news about stress.

The “Plain and Simple” part of my book title is what really motivates me to spread the good news. The advice is simple: to protect yourself and your future physical and mental wellbeing from the ravages of stress and its excess fight/flight hormones get more rest away from your stress through Stress Breaks. Rest doesn’t have to be literal like a nap, although it’s a great Stress Break, but any break away from the onslaught of daily pressure. I include techniques for releasing your fight/flight energy like yoga, volunteering, connecting with people, etc. and relaxing the energy through meditation, deep breathing , etc. You don’t necessarily have to engage in the two Stress Breaks that give you the biggest bang for your buck – exercise and meditation – because even practicing the smaller things frequently increases your protection.


Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com .

Reclaim control by overcoming your fear of flying
Stress for Success
December 1, 2009

Having experienced panic attacks, I’m grateful mine never extended to flying or I’d never have pursued the profession I love, which involved near-weekly flying. I can too easily imagine aviophobes’ fear when panic sets in and there are no options of escaping until the airplane lands!

A 2006 USA Today/CNN/Gallup poll found 27% of American adults are “somewhat afraid” to fly with 9% “very afraid,” better than post-911 when 43% were frightened and 17% were very afraid. At least 10% of Americans have full-blown phobias and worry obsessively that they’ll crash or die from their own fear.

There are multiple causes for this fear:
* Feeling of not being in control;
* Claustrophobia;
* Fear of heights;
* Multiple, frightening flying experiences, like severe turbulence;
* Heightened stress putting you into a “panic zone” where you’re more vulnerable to panic;

The great news is that there are effective treatments:
* Therapy and self-help products that teach you to notice and combat fear-escalating thought patterns, imagery and relaxation techniques to overcome them;
* Virtual therapy using 3-D computer flight simulations, which 2006 research by psychologist Barbara Rothbaum of Emory University found a greater than 70% success rate;
* Hypnosis can expose the circumstances when you first developed your fear to better understand and conquer it;
* Cognitive-behavior therapy includes information about aircraft safety;
* Tranquilizers or antidepressants can help but aren’t long-term solutions. Therapy is usually required to overcome your anxiety.

However, the best treatment, exposure therapy, requires you to confront your fears by actually flying – with preparation. Exposure therapy can help more than 90% of aviophobes, according to German psychologist Marc-Roman Trautmann.

Trautmann believes that lack of information is the main cause of aviophobia so he provides the facts about air travel to soothe exaggerated beliefs of its dangers. For example, when an airplane banks you might fear it could tip over. But what you see is an optical illusion. It looks like the horizon is perpendicular to the aircraft when it actually takes the curve at scarcely 25 degrees from horizontal and planes are built to take curves safely at 60 degrees.

Aviophobes also exaggerate their fears by obsessing about them sending their mental and physical symptoms through the roof! To interrupt the cycle, Trautmann uses a cognitive-behavioral approach of educating clients that although their fear and physical symptoms are real they’re simply the fight/flight response mistakenly trigged. The stress response is meant to engage when you’re in danger. Aviophobes create danger in their minds, which triggers their physical panic symptoms. “I feel like I’m going to die,” some say. Trautman counters, “No one dies of fear.”

Students are also taught relaxation to dull their panic symptoms. Then through habituation, a form of learning where reactions to a stimulus diminish with repeated exposure, they accompany him on actual flights.

This may sound scary but what’s scarier is missing out on your life. Buck up by seeking out effective treatments to overcome your fear so you can reclaim your life.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html.