Mindfulness loosens grip of old resentment
Stop inappropriate defensive reaction
Stress for Success
June 15, 2010

Everyone has at least some childhood pain that’s triggered by present-day situations leaving you to misdiagnose the cause of your current stress. The setting off of these largely unconscious memories activates their associated emotions and typically a defensive reaction from you. And the stronger your pain the faster you react leaving potentially a millisecond between the triggering event and your habitual reaction to it. This is why it’s so difficult to change defensive behavior.

For example, your boss condescends to you and you verbally respond more aggressively than you want. Could the real problem be that your boss is simply triggering some unresolved childhood issue? If so, could identifying it loosen its grip on you?

Ask this revealing question to discover if your boss is truly your stress or if he’s triggering an earlier source:
* “Who or what from childhood could trigger this same reaction in me?”

Maybe your father was condescending. Now, as an adult, whenever an authority figure appears to talk down to you your instantaneous, aggressive reaction pops out.

To break outdated and needless reactions become more mindful of what’s going on before, during and after the triggering event and expand the “space of time” between the event and your reaction to it. Eventually you can reduce the intensity, duration and frequency of automatic reactions and respond in a more thoughtful and desirable way.

Here’s how to start:
1. Bring your attention to the present moment, particularly to your breathing; in and out, in and out. At first this may not stop your defensive pattern. Eventually, paying attention to your breathing allows you to observe your unhealthy pattern and ultimately to catch yourself becoming emotionally hooked. Then you’ll be closer to changing your response.
2. Non-judgmentally witnessing your habitual, unproductive reactions helps avoid adding more emotional fuel to the fire. Consistently, over and over bring your drifting attention back to your breathing. Instead of criticizing yourself for getting defensive with your boss simply acknowledge that you sometimes respond to him this way. Notice what he does that triggers you (his derisiveness), your aggressive response, followed by fear that you’ve overstepped the line, then worry that he’ll punish you someday. After one of these episodes set aside contemplative time to observe the unpleasant emotions and physical sensations triggered earlier. Be mindful of these. Observe your thoughts, feelings and fight or flight reactions that exacerbate your stress.
3. Reduce the intensity of your automatic reactions by nipping them in the bud to prevent full development of overwhelming emotions. There’s an opportunity within the first seconds of recognizing your habitual reaction to prevent further escalation. Break these mind/body chain reactions to stop the process. Remember, the less you judge yourself - or him - the less intense your feelings become. Don’t accept nor condemn your emotions, just observe them for what they are, habitual, immature and unhelpful, albeit normal.

Since thoughts determine your emotions next week we’ll look at how mindfulness can help you quiet and calm your mind.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.