Get off autopilot; kick the past out of the present
Stress for Success
June 8, 2010


It’s disappointing when you habitually react defensively to your critical boss, a dominating parent or whomever. You swear you won’t let him or her get under your skin then, bam! It happens again. Why can’t you get control over yourself?

Many conflicts have less to do with the person in front of you whom you assume is causing your distress and far more to do with this person triggering a painful memory from your past usually involving an important person you believe hurt you. You project onto the present situation your past fears. Practicing mindfulness can help you break your historic patterns even in the midst of difficult emotions.

Meditation teacher Jon Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness as, “Paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.”
* Paying attention: We typically operate on automatic pilot rather than paying conscious attention to the present moment and our place in it. You think of other things, worry about what might happen and react
rather than respond to unfolding events. You’re especially vulnerable to over-reacting when you’re stressed.
* On purpose: Paying attention to what’s happening in this moment requires conscious effort and is the opposite of operating on automatic pilot.
* In the present moment: Versus difficult emotions from your past being triggered pulling you back to habitual reactions.
* Non-judgmentally: Unwelcome situations tend to trigger negative and judgmental assumptions. “You’re unfair!” You instantly judge the situation, others or yourself creating more distress and conflict. Negative judgments imply a certain outcome you desire. “You should be fair.” Too often what you want is for the other person to change. But they’re beyond your control. Non-judgmental mindfulness allows you to see situations more clearly and to evaluate them from an emotional distance thereby dropping your judgment. You observe your emotions and reactions as they arise without trying to control them. Eventually mindfulness allows you to see a typical stressor as less of a big deal and more as a passing, unwanted experience.

Consistently practicing mindfulness, especially when stressed, is difficult but it can bring significant relief and freedom from old, painful patterns.

Mindfulness is not:
* Detaching from experiences nor disengaging emotionally from life. You don’t become indifferent nor lose your enthusiasm. Mindfulness encourages engaging more completely rather than reacting out of habitual patterns.
* Submissively accepting whatever happens. You won’t lie down and play dead in the face of conflict. Non-judgmental mindfulness allows you to respond to difficult situations with understanding and attention rather than habit, impulse or addiction.
* A miracle cure for all that’s wrong.

Mindfulness is an internal strength that can be developed to surmount hurt and pain and grant you greater freedom from your past. It helps you break habitual and defensive life patterns, which can allow you to establish better relationships and increase your kindness toward yourself and others.

Nature, meditation, deep breathing, etc. can help you become more mindful. Next week we’ll continue looking at its benefits and how to develop it.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.