Can loneliness become a self-fulfilling prophesy?
Stress for Success
For February 19, 2013
Can believing something like, “No one likes me,” become a self-fulfilling prophesy and ultimately cause loneliness?
Researchers in 1981, Jones, Freemon and Goswick, found that lonely people often think about themselves with distorted logic, such as: “I’m alone. No one wants to be with me and no one is willing to help me escape my loneliness, so I will reject others, too.”
In fact, they found that lonely people are more rejecting of others than others are of them. They tend to chase away what they need the most to heal their loneliness - other people. Lonely people also tend to be more critical and therefore rejecting of others. So, they remain isolated without understanding that they are in large part responsible for their lonely state.
Lonesome people may also lack the social skills necessary for connecting with others. They tend to be more introverted and self-conscious about approaching others due to excessive fear of being rejected. They often set themselves up for disappointments through unrealistic expectations about relationships by assuming:
• They should always have dates or be popular, beautiful or successful;
• Friends should always be available;
These unrealistic expectations create major disappointments and lead to chronic, negative emotional states, even depression.
Finally, even though lonesome people may be perfectly good problem solvers in many aspects of their lives, they tend to be unsuccessful in solving interpersonal issues. In 1982 research, Horowitz, French and Anderson gave a test that measured loneliness. They found that, unlike those participants who felt well connected to others, lonely people were unable to generate enough quality alternative problem-solving options to resolve their interpersonal dilemmas. When faced with conflicts they continued with their flawed assumptions about themselves and others and stewed in their own stressful thinking.
Challenging flawed thinking is the first step to overcoming loneliness. Moving beyond faulty lonely assumptions can then improve your problem solving in dealing with isolation. You must first become aware that you are thinking lonely thoughts and be willing to challenge them. For example:
“I feel alone but that doesn’t mean I have to be alone. Why should I expect other people to help me out of this feeling when it’s my responsibility to do something about it? I need to figure out my options to develop more and better relationships.”
Challenging your own thoughts must happen over and over again, day after day after day. To help you become more skilled with this, write down your lonely thoughts on the left side of a page. After, challenge them on the right side of the page. Doing this fifteen or so minutes a day will gradually help you see other ways of thinking, leading to a greater number of problem solving options.
Feeling lonely can be very intense. The accompanying cognitive distortions can and do lead to persistent hopelessness. Even though it’s not a diagnosable psychological condition, it can still be treated by good counselors. If you feel significant stress from being lonely, consider seeking professional help. A therapist could help you with your thinking distortions more quickly than doing it on your own and teach you better problem solving. The alternative is to continue to drown in your lonely ruminations.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S. is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Loneliness is a stressful state of mind
Stress for Success
For February 5, 2013
When you spend time alone do you feel lonely or do you consider it a luxury? If lonely, do you often feel alone even when you’re with others?
Loneliness is a near universal experience, at least at times, and is very different from being alone. A sense of isolation can be experienced by the stay-at-home mother who craves adult companionship or the elderly man who has been widowed.
How you experience loneliness, the causes of it, and how to best respond to it are all very unique to you. The lonely mother seeking adult companionship will have very different needs than the person who has lost his spouse.
Kendra Cherry, who writes for About.com Guide, describes loneliness “as a state of mind versus a state of solitude.” She goes to say, “Loneliness makes you feel empty, alone and unwanted. People who are lonely often crave human contact, but their state of mind makes it difficult to connect with other people.”
Aloneness is the perception of feeling isolated. For example, the new widower can feel lonely even when surrounded by his friends and family.
Interestingly, one cause of loneliness, according to John Cacioppo, University of Chicago psychologist and a leading expert on loneliness, is strongly connected to genetics. Other causes may be situational, like moving to a new city or divorce. It can also be a symptom of depression or low self-esteem. If you don’t think highly of yourself, you may feel unworthy of others’ respect leading to isolation and loneliness.
For some, loneliness becomes a chronic lifestyle. Assuming this mental state is stressful to the individual, over time, it has potential serious health consequences, as does any chronic stress, including:
• Alcoholism and drug abuse;
• Weakened immune function;
• Mild to severe depression;
• Trouble sleeping;
• Weight gain;
• Cardiovascular disease and stroke;
• Growing antisocial behavior;
• Worsening of Alzheimer’s disease;
Cacioppo, co-author of “Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection,” in a U. S. News and World Report interview reported, “Lonely adults consume more alcohol and get less exercise than those who are not lonely. Their diet is higher in fat, their sleep is less efficient, and they report more daytime fatigue. Loneliness also disrupts the regulation of cellular processes deep within the body, predisposing lonely people to premature aging.”
Researchers have found those with little loneliness are more likely married, have higher incomes and educational status.
High levels of loneliness are correlated with health problems, living alone, small social networks and low quality social relationships.
Not surprisingly, research has also found loneliness becoming more common in the U.S. In a 1984 questionnaire, respondents most frequently reported having three close friends. In 2004, the most common response was zero!
What’s more important in combating loneliness is not how many social interactions you have but the quality of them. Having three or four close friends is enough to ward off loneliness and reduce the negative health consequences of it.
In my next article we’ll consider how to treat this mental state.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S. is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Holidays can bring on blues
Learn about the common stressors and how to cope
Stress for Success
December 12, 2012
According to Madison Avenue, Christmas is always 100% happy, loving and generous. Do your holidays live up to these expectations? Do anyone’s? If not, this time of year can be very stressful.
Even if you measure up well, it’s a time of frenetic cleaning, decorating, baking, shopping, wrapping, going to and hosting parties, all potentially leading to exhaustion.
A key to coping is to know that we’re all more vulnerable to stress right now and to keep the increased activity, overindulgences, and unrealistic expectations from overwhelming you.
Here are some of the most common holiday stressors to protect yourself from:
• Relationships: Historically tumultuous ones can be particularly toxic, especially if you’re with your family of origin where reverting back to childhood roles triggers each other’s hot buttons.
• If you’ve lost a loved-one, the holidays may leave you very lonely and depressed.
• Finances: Money stress can occur any time but takes on new dimensions if you overspend on gifts, travel, etc.
• Exhaustion: The vicious cycle of stress-causing fatigue may leave you less likely to exercise and meditate, which increases your stress. Overindulgence of food and liquor can push you overboard.
Here are some holiday stress coping tips:
• Treat yourself kindly; accept your imperfections. Do something you find special. Focus on the importance of Christmas vs. buying stuff. Appreciate the efforts you make to create a positive experience for your loved ones.
• Put your mind into neutral and commit to not letting other’s irritating behaviors upset you. Avoid difficult people, if possible. Save any confrontations for the New Year. If someone else gets easily upset, give him a break; he’s probably over-stressed, too. An excellent holiday mantra is, "This too shall pass."
– Instead of picturing things going wrong, picture them going well. Prepare yourself mentally to positively handle what could go wrong and appreciate the positive.
• Be realistic: Let go of Hallmark expectations that everything must be perfect. If there's a spot on your tablecloth, put something over it vs. fuss about it. Virtually no one cares. And if someone does, don’t invite her next year.
• Stick to your budget: Decide how much you can afford and stick to it. To avoid over-spending leave your credit cards at home and take only the cash you've budgeted. You can’t buy love or friendship. Explain to your kids if you can’t afford something they want. Knowing there are limits is good for them.
• Set appropriate limits: Prioritize invitations, requests and responsibilities. Commit only to what’s realistically achievable.
• Plan ahead: Include your family in making a list of and dividing additional responsibilities. Decide who will do what. (If you do it all yourself you’ll teach them to do nothing.)
• Self-care: Over-eat and -drink on Christmas if you must, but not for the next two weeks. Take daily 15-minute breaks to refresh each day. Get plenty of exercise and drink lots of water to keep up your energy.
• Be grateful: Help those who are less fortunate. Catch your loved ones doing something right. As you prepare everything remember your love for those for whom you’re doing it.
If you still have the holiday blues talk to someone you trust. Keep up your normal routine and know that this too shall pass.
Merry Christmas!
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Managing stress is especially important for those with cancer
Stress for Success
November 13, 2012
It’s vitally important for those with serious illnesses to manage stress well because chronic stress causes body tissue to adapt to higher cortisol levels - a stress hormone - so it loses its effectiveness in regulating inflammation. Unceasing inflammation aids the development and progression of heart disease, diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, depression, and cancer.
Unless you’ve experienced a serious disease, like cancer, you can’t understand the stress of it. But here’s a small peek into the life of my Symphonic Chorale “palo-alto,” Mary Ann Elder. Her experience with cancer doesn’t speak for others with cancer. This is simply part of her story.
Mary Ann said, “I was exercising when the first symptoms occurred four years ago. Then there was the crisis of going to the ER in intractable pain, the tests and then the news.” With no warning signs, she was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive uterine cancer with a poor prognosis; it acts like ovarian but it’s not as treatable. Therapies routinely approved for ovarian are denied uterine cancer patients so she has also experienced the stress of fighting insurance denials.
Mary Ann was approved for SSDi very quickly after the first recurrence, which, she says, “was sobering since one criteria is having a terminal illness. I’m now in treatment for the second recurrence. Three of my online friends, diagnosed around the same time, have died in the last year.”
Mary Ann, a social worker, has practiced healthy lifestyle habits and sees herself as a strong person with a “can do” attitude. She proceeded to educate herself on her disease and its treatments.
“Early on I read O. Carl Simonton’s classic book, “Getting Well Again”. His premise is that stress contributes to illness and we need to change how we react to it to get and stay well. It helped me learn about the mind-body connection. I did his exercises, taking note of my stressors in the 18 months preceding diagnosis, analyzing my feelings and thoughts and discussing these with a counselor. I learned meditation and guided imagery techniques and used them faithfully. These helped me get through the initial treatment, which I weathered well.” She stayed active in hobbies and worked full time.
Mary Ann came to an early awareness: she didn’t want to own or be defined by cancer. She gave it a name and now refers to it as “Chester.” She chose to continue to live her life.
She talked about three stages of abuse victims’ recovery:
1. Victim;
2. Survivor;
3. Thriver;
It’s not good enough for Mary Ann to see herself as a cancer survivor, as cancer media promotes. She’s a thriver. When asked where she was now that she’s back into treatment, she said, “I guess I’m a victim again.” But these three stages create a road map for her: she may be a victim right now who needs to move into the next stage to “survive” additional treatment. Then she can move into the thriver stage again.
Knowing her, I have confidence she’ll do just that.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S. is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Situation management crucial to well-being
Stress for Success
November 20, 2012
Over the last decade, my husband and I have had three siblings and eight close friends battle cancer. Their grace through their experiences has always impressed me and given me hope that should I join their ranks some day, I, too, might handle it well.
One of the most graceful people I’ve ever known, dear friend Christy Speirn-Smith, has also gone through cancer and its treatment. She too handled it with great poise. She has strong feelings about what helped her get through it originally and what sustains her to this day. I thank her for sharing these ideas with us.
Christy said, “The number one most important lesson is to trust your intuition. No one else knows how you feel.”
She learned how important it is to heed her inner voice when she found a lump in her breast over six years ago and subsequently went to her doctor. She was told that there was no problem. Months later, her intuition insisted that something was wrong. So, she returned to her doctor. She was right. She had Stage 2 breast cancer and went through a lumpectomy followed by radiation and chemotherapy.
During the diagnosis and treatment phase she said she didn’t spend her energy worrying; she has never been a worrier. We discussed how much more difficult going through cancer and its treatment would be if you’re the type to worry or obsess over life’s stressors. Her lack of worrying almost certainly protected her physically because as I wrote last week, excessive stressful thinking dumps excessive cortisol into your body. This dumping of this stress hormone during chronic stress leaves body tissues adapting to higher cortisol levels and losing their effectiveness to regulate inflammation. Chronic inflammation aids the development and progression of heart disease, diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, depression, and cancer.
Christy went on to say, “You must also take control for how to move forward with your treatment.”
This alone lowers stress at least a little because you’re taking your anxious energy and focusing it where it can do some good. So she educated herself about her illness and treatment options and found medical professionals she trusted. “You must connect with your caregivers,” she adds.
With her cancer several years in her rearview mirror, she remains responsibly vigilant. She’s not paranoid but she doesn’t believe in denial. If there’s a sign that something might be wrong she faces it and deals with it. In fact, right now she’s in the middle of dealing with another lump she found in her breast. Preliminary exams suggest it is not cancer but she is going through with full testing to make sure.
Finally, she stresses the importance of taking very good care of herself. The aftermath of her treatment provides daily reminders of what she went through. She still experiences neuropathy and pain that’s treated with medications, which drain her. “I fight the fight every day,” she said referring to these after-effects. It’s good that she’s also assertive because it allows her to set limits that protect her interests and her energy.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S. is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Managing stress is especially important for those with cancer
Stress for Success
November 13, 2012
It’s vitally important for those with serious illnesses to manage stress well because chronic stress causes body tissue to adapt to higher cortisol levels - a stress hormone - so it loses its effectiveness in regulating inflammation. Unceasing inflammation aids the development and progression of heart disease, diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, depression, and cancer.
Unless you’ve experienced a serious disease, like cancer, you can’t understand the stress of it. But here’s a small peek into the life of my Symphonic Chorale “palo-alto,” Mary Ann Elder. Her experience with cancer doesn’t speak for others with cancer. This is simply part of her story.
Mary Ann said, “I was exercising when the first symptoms occurred four years ago. Then there was the crisis of going to the ER in intractable pain, the tests and then the news.” With no warning signs, she was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive uterine cancer with a poor prognosis; it acts like ovarian but it’s not as treatable. Therapies routinely approved for ovarian are denied uterine cancer patients so she has also experienced the stress of fighting insurance denials.
Mary Ann was approved for SSDi very quickly after the first recurrence, which, she says, “was sobering since one criteria is having a terminal illness. I’m now in treatment for the second recurrence. Three of my online friends, diagnosed around the same time, have died in the last year.”
Mary Ann, a social worker, has practiced healthy lifestyle habits and sees herself as a strong person with a “can do” attitude. She proceeded to educate herself on her disease and its treatments.
“Early on I read O. Carl Simonton’s classic book, “Getting Well Again”. His premise is that stress contributes to illness and we need to change how we react to it to get and stay well. It helped me learn about the mind-body connection. I did his exercises, taking note of my stressors in the 18 months preceding diagnosis, analyzing my feelings and thoughts and discussing these with a counselor. I learned meditation and guided imagery techniques and used them faithfully. These helped me get through the initial treatment, which I weathered well.” She stayed active in hobbies and worked full time.
Mary Ann came to an early awareness: she didn’t want to own or be defined by cancer. She gave it a name and now refers to it as “Chester.” She chose to continue to live her life.
She talked about three stages of abuse victims’ recovery:
1. Victim;
2. Survivor;
3. Thriver;
It’s not good enough for Mary Ann to see herself as a cancer survivor, as cancer media promotes. She’s a thriver. When asked where she was now that she’s back into treatment, she said, “I guess I’m a victim again.” But these three stages create a road map for her: she may be a victim right now who needs to move into the next stage to “survive” additional treatment. Then she can move into the thriver stage again.
Knowing her, I have confidence she’ll do just that.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S. is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Psychological stress hurts your health
Stress for Success
November 6, 2012
Our largely science-based society tends to underplay the mind/body connection. Some research confirms the power of a positive attitude on health while other research disputes it. So, do your thoughts and feelings impact your health, or not?
Having studied the stress response for years, I assume there must be a strong connection between your psychological states, like chronic anger, your stress level, and your body’s ability or inability to defend against illness and disease development.
Recently, several studies have confirmed the importance of managing stress well for those fighting illness.
MD Anderson Cancer Center’s Lorenzo Cohen, professor of general oncology and director of the Integrative Medicine Program at the University of Texas, found that depression among patients with late-stage renal cell carcinoma was associated with an increased risk of death. His study was published in the journal PLOS ONE in August 2012.
The chief suspect in his study was cortisol, the stress hormone I’ve written so much about for years, and inflammatory pathways.
“This study is the next step in the process of understanding that emotional factors have an impact on biology, which can … influence outcomes in cancer,” says Cohen.
Cortisol is the adrenal gland produced hormone that’s triggered in response to stress and helps regulate the body’s inflammatory response. Normal cortisol levels should be higher in the morning then decrease throughout the day. But for patients experiencing chronic stress or depression, cortisol levels can remain higher throughout the day and night.
In Cohen’s study, patients with sustained higher cortisol levels had an increased risk of mortality. Through gene profiles, he documented the connection between the patient’s psychological state and survival time, which may stem from a “dysregulation in inflammatory biology.”
Also, a team of Carnegie Mellon University researchers led by Sheldon Cohen (unrelated to Lorenzo Cohen), professor of psychology and director of the Laboratory for the Study of Stress, Immunity and Disease, found that chronic stress was associated with the “body losing its ability to regulate its inflammatory response.” The researchers found that over an extended period of chronic stress, body tissue adapts to cortisol and loses its effectiveness in regulating inflammation.
“Inflammation is healthy when triggered in an attempt to fight infection,” says Lorenzo Cohen, “but chronic inflammation can advance the development and progression of many illnesses, including heart disease, diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, depression, and cancer.”
One of the problems with this type of research is that causation between psychological stress and cancer survival is notoriously hard to establish: it would be unethical to stress cancer patients in order to monitor their stress response, after all. But expanding research of breast, ovarian and other cancers is strengthening the link between psychological stress and disease.
Cancer patients certainly need to manage the significant stress that accompanies this difficult disease by making stress management a vital part of cancer treatment, if not all inflammatory diseases. You could choose from psychiatric medication, cognitive-behavioral therapy, meditation, yoga, tai chi, or guided imagery, all of which have been shown to be effective in managing stress.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S. is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Feelings of control boost employee satisfaction
Stress for Success
October 30, 2012
A new study by Harris Interactive for Everest College has identified American workers’ top job stressors:
1. Low pay (reported by11%), the second time this was rated as #1;
2. Annoying coworkers (10%);
3. Commuting (9%);
4. Unreasonable workload (9%);
5. Working in a job that’s not their chosen career (8%);
6. Work-life balance (5%);
7. Lack of opportunity for advancement (4%);
8. The boss (4%);
Not all was negative in this report:
• Last year 9% reported their biggest fear was being fired; this year only 4% did;
• 26% said nothing about work stressing them out at all, up from 21% last year;
There were gender, educational and regional differences:
• 14% of women reported low pay was their biggest stressor; 8% of men said the same;
• 11% of women were stressed because their job wasn’t their chosen career versus 5% of men;
• 14% of those with high school diplomas or less cited low pay as their first concern, followed by annoying coworkers;
• College graduates ranked unreasonable workload as their #1 (13%), followed by low pay (11%);
• Northeast workers reported workloads the most stressful;
• For Southern workers low pay was the #1 (14%);
• In the West, the top complaint was commuting (14%);
Perhaps not surprisingly, the highest concentration of employees who said nothing stressed them on the job (37%) were those making $100,000 or more!
During these economically tight times, employers could reduce employee stress while improving motivation and growth without spending a dime: give them more control.
In 1976 Richard Hackman and Greg Oldham reported that increased control enhanced motivation and growth for most positions. In 1979 Robert Karasek found that workers whose jobs were high in job demands but low in employee control over decisions reported significantly more exhaustion after work, trouble awakening in the morning, depression, nervousness, anxiety and insomnia than other workers. When workers facing high demands had more control, their stress decreased.
Updating these earlier findings is a 2002 survey of 604 employees by the Society for Human Resource Management and USA Today showing 94% of those polled consider autonomy and independence “very important” or “important” to job satisfaction.
Just one business example of putting this concept into practice comes from Ford Motor Company who in the early 1990s increased productivity, quality and job satisfaction by shifting its manufacturing operations at their Romeo, MI engine plant to a team-based approach giving employees far greater control over their work. Rather than being told what to do, employees talked directly to suppliers about parts, researched better ways to run equipment, and took independent action to eliminate product defects. This was so successful that Ford expanded it to virtually all employee targets allowing them to find ways to accomplish them.
What a bargain! Employers can improve job satisfaction without reducing actual workload or spending money.
So, how can you increase your employees’ work-related control? Ask them. I bet they have plenty of ideas.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S. is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Try Yoga meditation to reduce inflammation
Stress for Success
October 16, 2012
Anyone who regularly practices Yoga can attest to its many benefits. But new research suggests it’s even more advantageous than previously thought.
A study by Dr. Helen Lavretsky, professor of psychiatry at UCLA’s Semel Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior, and colleagues discovered that practicing a brief, daily yogic practice, which included Kirtan Kriva Meditation (KKM), reduced stress levels of people who care for those with Alzheimer’s and dementia. They worked with 45 family dementia caregivers and found that 68 of their genes responded differently after KKM, resulting in reduced inflammation.
One group of caregivers learned KKM and practiced it 12-minutes daily at the same time for eight weeks. The other group was asked to relax in a quiet place with their eyes closed while listening to instrumental relaxation music, also for 12 minutes daily for eight weeks. Blood samples were taken at the beginning of the study and again at the end of the eight weeks.
“The goal of the study was to determine if meditation might alter the activity of inflammatory and antiviral proteins that shape immune cell gene expression,” said Lavretsky. “Our analysis showed a reduced activity of those proteins linked directly to increased inflammation.”
Since caregiving for a family member can be a significant life stressor it puts the caregiver at greater risk for health problems. Dr. Lavretsky reports, “On average, the incidence and prevalence of clinical depression in family dementia caregivers approaches 50 percent.” They also show higher levels of inflammation biological markers, often have weakened resilience to stress and an increased rate of cardiovascular disease.
Therefore, these findings are very important. Since it is known that continual inflammation contributes to a host of chronic health problems, this simple meditation could prove t be very valuable.
I researched KKM on-line and discovered it’s a Kundalini Yogic practice that uses chanting and finger poses (mudras). It reduces stress, increases brain circulation, and facilitates focus. Here are directions to practice it:
1. Sit in an upright position on the floor or in a straight backed chair. Rest your hands on your knees with palms facing upwards.
2. Chant the syllables Sa, Ta, Na, Ma; lengthen the ending of each sound as you repeat them, aaaaaaaaah.
3. Touch your index finger tip to the tip of your thumb as you chant Sa.
4. Touch your middle finger tip to the tip of your thumb as you chant Ta.
5. Touch your ring finger tip to the tip of your thumb as you chant Na.
6. Touch your pinky tip to the tip of your thumb as you chant Ma.
7. Chant the following sequence. Chant:
• Out loud for 2 minutes;
• In a whisper for 2 minutes;
• Silently for 4 minutes;
• In a whisper for 2 minutes;
• Out loud for 2 minutes;
Even if this seems foreign to you, why not try it? It won’t hurt you and maybe, just maybe it will help you deal with your caregiver stress, or any stress for that matter.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S. is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Good family stress management habits important to kids
Stress for Success
October 2, 2012
I’m forever grateful my parents were great stress managers. They seldom reacted over-emotionally and didn’t solve my problems for me but taught me how to think for myself by asking me what my options were in dealing with them. Most importantly, they gave unconditional love, allowing me to risk learning and trying new approaches to challenges.
Parents are definitely kids’ primary stress management role models. How do you handle life’s ups and downs? Is this how you want your kids to handle them? Do you stuff emotions, release them through gasket-blowing or express them appropriately? Do you cope well with what’s beyond your control? All of your habits are observed and learned by your kids.
According to Dr. Rebekah Evans, an Arkansas psychologist, “Many people don’t realize (they’re) already practicing healthy stress management techniques …, such as getting enough sleep and openly communicating as a family. … A foundation of healthy habits makes difficult life situations easier to navigate. This school year, make a point of strongly supporting healthy habits and trying out new ones … as a family.”
The Arkansas Psychological Association recommends the following healthy habits:
• Exercise is the natural stress reliever and increases the production of endorphins. Demonstrate to your kids that physical fitness is fun, important, and necessary for healthy living. Have your children devote at least an hour per day to physical activity.
• Balance your diet at home to teach your kids how to make healthy food choices when they’re away from you and tempted by the plethora of garbage. Toss out the crap food and stock up on fresh vegetables and fruits.
• Put your kids on a regular sleep schedule. According to the Mayo Clinic, school-aged children should get 10 to 11 hours of sleep per night. A lack of sleep can negatively affect their moods, behaviors and physical health. Create a relaxing evening ritual for your family to unwind together before bedtime.
• Balance your kids’ extracurricular activities to avoid burnout from over-commitments. Assess how their activities affect their school work and relationships and limit these activities and your own commitments to reduce stress. As I wrote last week, declare one day weekly as a no-activities day for all. Use that day to connect in a positive way with your family. Your kids may complain about it but once you work to make it a positive experience, they’ll eventually look forward to it.
• Improve communication with your kids, vital to creating a healthy home environment. Talking about problems helps virtually everyone. Put your foot down and insist on sit-down dinners at least a few times a week with no electronic gadgets at the table. Again, the kids may complain but this is tradition worth encouraging. Meal time can offer indirect communication opportunities, which older kids respond more positively to versus sitting them down to talk about something you’re concerned about.
Establish healthy family patterns for the entire school year and beyond. For more information on family stress management, go to www.apa.org/helpcenter.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Manage kids’ extracurricular activities to lower family stress
Stress for Success
August 28, 2012
Remember when after-school activities were typically neighborhood kids playing whichever game with no adult supervision until their mothers called them for dinner?
Today it’s different: kids are enrolled in any and all classes they – or you the parent – have an interest in to provide those sweet darlings with skill building activities. Since most are after school, everyone hits the race-track to fit everything in.
Extracurricular activities are great as long as they don’t turn from an enjoyable challenge to stress. So limit activities, even if that means just one activity per season.
Extracurricular activities certainly benefit children. They:
• Build self-esteem;
• Help kids make new friends;
• Teach them how to be team players;
• Improve school performance;
• And importantly, keep kids from becoming inactive TV watchers and video game players, packing on the pounds as the sedentary years march by;
Consider these ideas to create a healthy lineup of activities for your kids, which will also help avoid burnout for all. Since you’re the parent and in charge (you are in charge, right?) make sure their schedule works for you, too.
1. Help your kids prioritize and choose activities that match their interests versus doing anything that looks exciting. Mostly, let them choose their own activities since pressuring them into something YOU’RE interested in may create tension.
Your answers to these questions can help decide which activities to sign up for. Is the activity:
• Meaningful? Would it be beneficial to your child now or later?
• Interesting to your child?
• Within your time and resources?
• Located in an area that fits your schedule?
2. Insist on one family day per week with no outside activities to build family time and to avoid burnout.
3. Start slow with new activities and encourage personal responsibility in choosing what to do. Instead of automatically buying the best equipment for a new endeavor simply because your son’s interested in the activity, require that he commit to a full class or season before upgrading the equipment. Have him demonstrate he’ll stick with it. This also keeps him from irresponsibly jumping in and out of activities willy-nilly.
4. Reduce commute time by choosing classes close by when possible, arranging carpooling where possible and running errands in that part of town when you drive.
5. Keep all kids’ commitments on a family calendar posted where all can see. List who’s doing what, where, when and how they’re getting there.
6. Look for signs of boredom and stress: does he procrastinate on practicing or even attending? Does he worry excessively about it? Find out why. Speak with his instructor to gain additional insight into the worth of the activity for him.
7. Adapt involvements as your children mature to accommodate increased commitments elsewhere.
Kids, like adults, can’t do it all; that’s why prioritizing is important. And never underestimate the importance of kids playing with kids with no supervision. It offers skills supervised activities don’t. And, not every moment of their “free time” needs to be scheduled.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Hotheads often blow up because of unrealistic expectations
Stress for Success
August 14, 2012
A supervisor I had during college was a good guy but had the temperament of an angry 4-year-old. He pitched fits at the drop of a hat. Shortly after yelling at someone he’d act normally toward her oblivious to her seething.
This is typical of many hotheads. Minutes after they explode they’re fine again wondering why you’re still upset.
Another commonality is that some chronically angry people are unassertive, building up reservoirs of frustration and anger to be dumped onto someone who triggers their temper. Then, watch out!
If you’re chronically angry and would like to reduce your risk of cardiovascular disease, not to mention improve your relationships, here are three steps to better manage your temper.
First, become much more consciously aware that you’re uncomfortable with your temper. This is required to motivate you to do the hard work of change.
A married couple developed a tiresome dance of anger over their 25-year relationship. She’s a smothering-mothering-type wife who continually tells her husband what to do, which is met by his angry outbursts. They’re very uncomfortable to be around.
Recently he became more conscious of his angry reactions. He learned, after yelling at her, to back his way out of his attack. This growing awareness gave him more power to change future angry reactions.
To increase awareness, become an observer of yourself. Notice when your blood pressure shoots up in anger and notice others’ reactions to your outbursts. You don’t need to change anything yet. Just observe. The more conscious you become the easier it will be to ultimately change your behavior.
Second, determine if your expectations in the situation are realistic. Anger is often triggered by unmet expectations. Those with hair-trigger tempers usually have very unrealistic expectations.
The husband above expects his wife to stop mothering and smothering. She’s in her 60s; do you think she’s going to change? Why does he continue to expect something different? He increases his stress by continuing to expect something beyond his control.
Finally, always bring the solution for a given stressor back to yourself. Restate what you want in a way that’s within your control to get. Instead of hoping she’ll change, he needs to develop a goal that’s within his control like accepting her as she is and being more assertive with her. This implies his options include:
• Breaking his angry retaliation habit;
o Looking for humor in their interaction style could help;
• Asserting himself with her vs. yelling at her, requesting she not mother him;
• Divorcing her if her smothering is a divorceable issue;
All your emotions are your responsibility to manage. As long as you blame outside forces (people or situations) for your feelings and reactions, you’ll never be in charge emotionally. You’ll also lack the ability to change your ineffectual ways; a very powerless and stressful way to live.
Increasing awareness of your anger and adjusting your expectations also help you see additional options for handling your difficult situations, improving your heart health along the way.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Be perfect on most important tasks only
Stress for Success
July 24, 2012
Why do some people need to have life be perfect? What are they afraid might happen if it isn’t? That they’ll be perceived as imperfect themselves? Why is that so bad?
Whatever drives an individual perfectionist, there’s help to overcome this stressful and fruitless tendency.
The most important lessons I learned in minimizing my own perfectionism was from my still favorite time management book, “How to Put More Time into Your Life” by Dr. Dru Scott (1980). She points the finger of blame for mismanaging time at personality traits, including perfectionism.
Dr. Scott encourages you to keep a time log at work and at home for one week. Every 15 - 30 minutes jot down what you just did: for example, you had a conference call for 30 minutes. List the meeting time – 8:30 – 9:00 - and brief notes about with whom you met and about what.
Scott then presents three categories into which everything you do can be divided:
• Central: The most important things you do leading most directly toward your top personal and professional goals. Her advice for these is to set aside the best time of your day with the fewest interruptions to focus on them. Include healthy self-care activities here, which is central to accomplishing everything else in your life.
• Secondary: The activities you must do, like bill paying, but they don’t lead you toward important goals. Schedule a specific time to do these tasks, like switch paying bills when they come in to paying them every Saturday morning.
• Marginal: The nit-picky details that don’t contribute to your important priorities, like chitchatting at work or house cleaning. Do marginal things only when you have nothing more important to do.
For many perfectionists, self-care doesn’t appear in any category. “I don’t have time,” is their complaint. Make it a priority and schedule time for it by putting marginal tasks where they belong: at the bottom of your list.
Categorize everything on your completed time log as central, secondary or marginal. (You can do this only by knowing your top goals and priorities.)
You’ll likely notice you spend an inordinate amount of time on marginal and secondary tasks. Lots of perfectionism falls into these categories. With increased awareness of Scott’s categories you can catch yourself investing too much energy into unimportant project details proving that you have more time than you thought. Reinvest that energy into more important tasks freeing up your time.
From my time log, I was shocked by how much time I spent on secondary and marginal tasks. This awareness (the first step to any change) motivated me to decrease my perfectionism on lower priority items and allowed it free reign on central tasks.
Whether a perfectionist or not, I challenge you to keep a time log for one week. If you’re expending more time on unimportant things to the detriment of higher priorities, realign your time investments. At least be imperfect on lesser tasks thereby reducing some stress that perfectionism creates.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Life still goes on without perfectionism
Stress for Success
July 17, 2012
You’re racing out the door on your way to work and out of the corner of your eye you notice a throw rug is turned up. What would you do: rush back to make it right or ignore it?
Or when you look in the mirror, do you see mostly what’s wrong with your appearance versus what’s right?
How do you think perfectionists would answer?
Take it from a recovering perfectionist, life really does go on when you let go of some of your too-high expectations of yourself and others. Plus, more realistic expectations lead to lower stress.
Women more than men, have been socialized to be perfect: perfectly nice and polite (I exaggerate only a little), to NEVER hurt anyone’s feelings, and to always be clean and smell good (this goes for their homes as well). And women are not to lose their tempers; it’s very unladylike.
I’ve known many a male perfectionist in my day but far more women.
Part of the problem for any perfectionist, male or female, is that we judge others by our own impossible standards. Who can live up to them? Because so few do we can become very judgmental of those who don’t, which creates more conflict.
Here’s a perfect (forgive the pun) definition of a perfectionist: “One who takes great pains and gives them to others.” (Source unknown) Ask anyone who works for or lives with a perfectionist. They appreciate this definition.
When you’re a perfectionist, you have multitudes of unmet expectations daily; therefore you compound normal every-day stress unnecessarily.
To decrease your perfectionist expectations of others start with this rule (be careful how you read this):
• “I won’t should on you if you won’t should on me.” (Source unknown)
When someone disappoints you, listen for the “shoulds” in your assessment of what’s wrong. For example, your boss didn’t give you any positive feedback on your recent project when everyone else told you how great it was. You heard yourself think or say to others, “I don’t understand bosses who give no positive feedback. I always compliment my employees.” The implied “should,” “She should give positive feedback.”
No doubt a boss “should” praise employees’ good work. But has she in the past? If not, what leads you to expect her to do so now? The stress is that in your perfectionist (and judgmental) eyes, it’s realistic to expect she’ll change. When she doesn’t (again) you’re stressed all over.
Can you also see the judgment of the boss is based on your own shoulds? “I always compliment my employees so other bosses should, too.” When you hold others to your own perfectionist standards you not only set yourself up for disappointment and stress, you also put yourself into the being the judge and jury of what is good. “Who died and left you in charge”, others whom you judge may wonder.
Stop shoulding on yourself and others. The degree to which you are successful will be the degree to which you’ll lower your stress.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Stress reduction themes from 408 articles
Stress for Success
July 3, 2012
This is my 408th article since November, 2003! Over the years there have multiple themes that keep reappearing. This week, I’m, highlighting four of these as a reminder of some of the most important lessons in managing stress.
First and foremost is the stress truism: stress is in the mind of the beholder. The bulk of your stress comes from how you perceive or interpret situations. Just look at drivers: some explode with road rage over the same situation that others just roll their eyes over. So stop blaming the situation or person you assume is causing your stress.
Hurling strong, negative labels at the others, like you’re stupid, rude, lazy, etc., means your perception is more of your stress than the event itself. The more strongly emotionally hooked you are, the more the stress is coming from yourself.
This is difficult to accept when you’re convinced, for example, your unfair boss is making your life miserable. But listen to what you think and say about her; the more negative your labels, the more your stress is coming from you. Your negative labels also mean you’re taking the situation personally. And this is where your stress reduction work can be accomplished. Instead of blaming the person, substitute your negative assumptions with asking, “What are my options?”
This leads to the second lesson: stop fussing and stewing over what’s beyond your control and problem-solve on what’s within your control. That ignorant moron of a driver is absolutely beyond your control. So is your unfair boss. The only thing within your control is how you choose to react. Blowing a gasket at them means you choose stress. Identifying options of how to deal differently with them means you choose stress management.
Choosing to react differently requires the third important theme: you must live consciously. When you automatically negatively judge others, you’re probably doing it unconsciously. You get emotionally hooked and Boom! Out comes your wrath. To become conscious you must observe yourself negatively labeling the other. Don’t change anything yet, just watch. Notice you’re pounding on the steering wheel at the ignorant moron of a driver. Notice you just labeled him an ignorant moron. Also observe that you’re yelling at him. Now, turn inward and become aware of your increased heart rate and faster breathing, both signs you’ve triggered your fight/flight response ordering the release of stress hormones to course through your system. Is the ignorant moron worth putting your health at risk? I hope not.
This leads to the fourth important point: every time you’re stressed by anything, little to huge, you release stress hormones into your body. You can tolerate a lot of this for a long time. But if it’s excessive and it lasts month after month, if not year after year, you’re doing unseen damage to your physical and emotional self and one day your physical roof caves in.
There are more themes but my 500 word limit is here. Thanks for reading my column over the years.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Conscious living is required in brain training techniques
Stress for Success
June 26, 2012
Thanks for indulging me while I’ve raved over recent weeks about the fascinating book, “Buddha’s Brain,” by Rick Hanson, PH.D and contributing author, Richard Mendius, MD (past articles at http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com). Their brain re-wiring techniques give hope that we can all create greater emotional, thus behavioral, balance and control for ourselves.
Now it’s time to understand the importance of living consciously, or their skills won’t work.
The authors present their four stages of learning.
1. Unconscious incompetence: e.g., you reacted defensively (impatient or irritated, etc.) in a situation but weren’t aware of it;
2. Conscious incompetence: you reacted defensively and knew it;
3. Conscious competence: you could have reacted defensively, but chose not to;
4. Unconscious competence: your historic defensive reaction didn’t come up in the situation in which you’ve practiced re-wiring your brain. Your preferred way of reacting gradually becomes automatic;
To make desired changes you must “choose” more appropriate responses - consciously. You must be aware of:
• Your undesirable reaction;
• The discomfort it causes you;
For example, you want to stop over-eating to lose ten pounds by August 1. To succeed you must first become consciously aware of when you’re overeating, what you’re overeating, what triggers you to overeat, and the distress this causes you. Once consciously aware of these things, you’ve arrived at stage two above. To graduate to stage 3 you must consciously choose to not over-eat. Eventually, this conscious decision-making becomes unconscious, and you’ve arrived at stage 4.
Use brain training skills to help reach your goal. Start with this technique.
• You’re beginning to become consciously aware when you overeat. Now, identify the emotion you feel when you’re compelled to gorge, e.g., sadness.
• When you’re upset (e.g., sad) find a quiet setting and rate your level of upset from 1 (mild) to 10 (severe);
• Let go of what triggered the upset (it’s probably unconscious so you may not know what to let go of; continue anyway);
• In its place, imagine anything you find pleasant like a vacation spot or a fond relationship memory. Imagine this in detail for five minutes. Be specific with who, what and where.
• Rate your upset again from 1 – 10.
If you’re less upset it proves that imagining pleasant things alters your inner emotional landscape. Is it enough to deter you from over-eating? If not, keep practicing this technique. Invent a different pleasant memory. Spend more minutes imagining it more deeply until it works.
To facilitate brain training, also relax your body:
• Relax your jaws, eyes, tongue;
• Feel the tension draining away from your body and into the earth;
• Run warm water over your hands;
• Touch your lips;
• Breathe in and exhale to equal counts;
• Scan your body for tension and consciously release it;
I’d love to write 100 more articles on this book. Since that’s unreasonable, go out and buy it. It’s an easy read for non-scientists.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
