Life still goes on without perfectionism
Stress for Success

July 17, 2012



You’re racing out the door on your way to work and out of the corner of your eye you notice a throw rug is turned up. What would you do: rush back to make it right or ignore it?


Or when you look in the mirror, do you see mostly what’s wrong with your appearance versus what’s right?


How do you think perfectionists would answer?


Take it from a recovering perfectionist, life really does go on when you let go of some of your too-high expectations of yourself and others. Plus, more realistic expectations lead to lower stress.


Women more than men, have been socialized to be perfect: perfectly nice and polite (I exaggerate only a little), to NEVER hurt anyone’s feelings, and to always be clean and smell good (this goes for their homes as well). And women are not to lose their tempers; it’s very unladylike.


I’ve known many a male perfectionist in my day but far more women.


Part of the problem for any perfectionist, male or female, is that we judge others by our own impossible standards. Who can live up to them? Because so few do we can become very judgmental of those who don’t, which creates more conflict.


Here’s a perfect (forgive the pun) definition of a perfectionist: “One who takes great pains and gives them to others.” (Source unknown) Ask anyone who works for or lives with a perfectionist. They appreciate this definition.


When you’re a perfectionist, you have multitudes of unmet expectations daily; therefore you compound normal every-day stress unnecessarily.


To decrease your perfectionist expectations of others start with this rule (be careful how you read this):


• “I won’t should on you if you won’t should on me.” (Source unknown)


When someone disappoints you, listen for the “shoulds” in your assessment of what’s wrong. For example, your boss didn’t give you any positive feedback on your recent project when everyone else told you how great it was. You heard yourself think or say to others, “I don’t understand bosses who give no positive feedback. I always compliment my employees.” The implied “should,” “She should give positive feedback.”


No doubt a boss “should” praise employees’ good work. But has she in the past? If not, what leads you to expect her to do so now? The stress is that in your perfectionist (and judgmental) eyes, it’s realistic to expect she’ll change. When she doesn’t (again) you’re stressed all over.


Can you also see the judgment of the boss is based on your own shoulds? “I always compliment my employees so other bosses should, too.” When you hold others to your own perfectionist standards you not only set yourself up for disappointment and stress, you also put yourself into the being the judge and jury of what is good. “Who died and left you in charge”, others whom you judge may wonder.


Stop shoulding on yourself and others. The degree to which you are successful will be the degree to which you’ll lower your stress.


Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.