Hotheads often blow up because of unrealistic expectations
Stress for Success
August 14, 2012

A supervisor I had during college was a good guy but had the temperament of an angry 4-year-old. He pitched fits at the drop of a hat. Shortly after yelling at someone he’d act normally toward her oblivious to her seething.

This is typical of many hotheads. Minutes after they explode they’re fine again wondering why you’re still upset.

Another commonality is that some chronically angry people are unassertive, building up reservoirs of frustration and anger to be dumped onto someone who triggers their temper. Then, watch out!

If you’re chronically angry and would like to reduce your risk of cardiovascular disease, not to mention improve your relationships, here are three steps to better manage your temper.

First, become much more consciously aware that you’re uncomfortable with your temper. This is required to motivate you to do the hard work of change.

A married couple developed a tiresome dance of anger over their 25-year relationship. She’s a smothering-mothering-type wife who continually tells her husband what to do, which is met by his angry outbursts. They’re very uncomfortable to be around.

Recently he became more conscious of his angry reactions. He learned, after yelling at her, to back his way out of his attack. This growing awareness gave him more power to change future angry reactions.

To increase awareness, become an observer of yourself. Notice when your blood pressure shoots up in anger and notice others’ reactions to your outbursts. You don’t need to change anything yet. Just observe. The more conscious you become the easier it will be to ultimately change your behavior.

Second, determine if your expectations in the situation are realistic. Anger is often triggered by unmet expectations. Those with hair-trigger tempers usually have very unrealistic expectations.

The husband above expects his wife to stop mothering and smothering. She’s in her 60s; do you think she’s going to change? Why does he continue to expect something different? He increases his stress by continuing to expect something beyond his control.

Finally, always bring the solution for a given stressor back to yourself. Restate what you want in a way that’s within your control to get. Instead of hoping she’ll change, he needs to develop a goal that’s within his control like accepting her as she is and being more assertive with her. This implies his options include:

• Breaking his angry retaliation habit;

o Looking for humor in their interaction style could help;
• Asserting himself with her vs. yelling at her, requesting she not mother him;
• Divorcing her if her smothering is a divorceable issue;

All your emotions are your responsibility to manage. As long as you blame outside forces (people or situations) for your feelings and reactions, you’ll never be in charge emotionally. You’ll also lack the ability to change your ineffectual ways; a very powerless and stressful way to live.

Increasing awareness of your anger and adjusting your expectations also help you see additional options for handling your difficult situations, improving your heart health along the way.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.