Get rest away from stress to limit the damage of chronic stress
Stress for Success
March 31, 2009

There’s good news and bad news about stress. The bad news: it can make you vulnerable to illness and disease development. The good news is simple: to protect yourself schedule more rest away from your stress. It’s what I call the easy part of stress management.

The reason that chronic stress, elevated stress that lasts for over four months, is potentially so harmful to your emotional, physical and mental health is that your mind and body are on high alert (fight/flight) too often and don’t return to a state of homeostasis or balance frequently enough. Your mind and body don’t fully recover from the assault of stress hormones, particularly cortisol. Over time too much cortisol coursing through your system leads to many afflictions.

In stress workshops I ask participants to name their ongoing symptoms and I tell them if I’ve read research that says that chronic stress can lead to these conditions. They’ll offer:
Headaches;
Constipation;
Digestive problems of all types;
Insomnia;
Panic attacks;
Depression;
Diabetes;
High blood pressure;
Cardio-vascular problems;
Etc.

My response to all is yes, stress can lead to all of these. The research doesn’t report that all conditions are caused by stress but stress can make you vulnerable to each.

Becoming an excellent stress manager also doesn’t mean that every symptom and illness will disappear. But many would or at least would improve significantly if you consistently sought a healthier balance.

So, in direct proportion to your stress schedule more rest away from it. Scheduling multiple Stress Breaks throughout your day allows your mind and body to gradually return to a state of improved balance facilitating your ability to recover from your daily dose of stress. Even if you aren’t experiencing chronic stress -- yet -- getting plenty of rest away from your anxiety enhances your resiliency so when you experience chronic stress you’ll be in better shape to handle it.

Here are the most important Stress Breaks because each channels stress energy:
Regular exercise uses up stress energy as Mother Nature intended;
Deep relaxation is physiologically the opposite of the fight/flight;
Deep breathing is physiologically the opposite of fight/flight breathing;

The best Stress Breaks for you, however, are the ones you’re most likely to practice regularly, such as:

Release stress energy through:
Hobbies;
Time with family, loved ones;
Anything that gives you pleasure, passion and/or joy;
Laughter;
Tense/relax muscle groups; tense for 10 – 15 seconds, then relax and repeat;
Regular journaling, pour out your deepest thoughts and feelings;

To relax your fight/flight energy:
Sound sleep, 7 – 8 hours most nights;
Yoga, tai-chi, etc.;
Hot bath;
Power naps;

Your health, to a significant degree, is a matter of choice (along with genetics determining your vulnerabilities). You can choose stress and its accompanying hormones, when in excess leading to physical and emotional problems. Or you can choose more Stress Breaks to minimize the damage. What will it be?

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.

Stress breaks help maintain healthier cortisol level
Stress for Success
March 24, 2009

How’s your health? Is it:
* Excellent
* Very good
* Good
* Not good
* Poor

Your answer predicts your future regarding disease and longevity more accurately than a thorough review of your medical records, according to research in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine in 2006. It makes sense since you live with yourself 24/7. Just as when you drive the same car for a long time and know when something’s off, you also know when your body isn’t performing as well.

Fascinatingly, these researchers found that people who considered themselves healthier experienced a wider fluctuation of their fight/flight response. They aren’t normally stressed so when it kicks in, it's noticeable.

Those who felt less healthy didn't notice as much when their stress response kicked in because it wasn’t significantly different from how they typically felt. In other words, they had a higher level of the stress hormone cortisol all of the time, a symptom of chronic stress.

In both acute and chronic stress over 17 different hormones are released. Acute stress is generally a short-term response by the body to stress and lasts from a few minutes to a few weeks. Chronic stress occurs when stress is ongoing keeping the body on high alert month after month and is the main cause of stress-related health problems.

Stress hormones weaken your health over time when your body isn’t able to relax and recover from one stressful triggering event to the next. Those most vulnerable to the ravages of stress include:
* People with chronic stress
* Hotheads and those who are very impatient
* Those caught up in the runaway American lifestyle with entirely too much activity and not enough rest

If you belong to any one or more of these groups you may have too much cortisol in your system, which has been shown to have negative health effects from higher blood pressure to lowered immunity and inflammatory responses, from impaired cognitive performance to suppressed thyroid function to weight gain, and more.

To limit the damage of excess cortisol in your body include multiple stress breaks throughout your day. These pull you back from your Stress Cliff, where stress begins to damage you physically, mentally and emotionally. Stress breaks allow your physical body and your mind to seek an equilibrium. This can be difficult in today's runaway lifestyle when your fight/flight is triggered so frequently throughout each day without a chance to rest making it more essential to do so.

The most important stress breaks that help your body maintain healthier cortisol levels are:
* Exercise 30 – 45 minutes every other day; both anaerobic (resistance training) and aerobic (jogging or cycling);
* Deep relaxation 15 – 30 minutes daily;
* Deep breathe often throughout your day, especially when you notice that you’re stressed;

There are many more stress breaks. Next week we’ll look at some of them that can better balance your stress and relaxation responses, therefore your cortisol, which better protects you from the damage of stress.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.

Why chronic stress can make you sick
The fight/flight response is key to understanding the consequences of stress
Stress for Success
March 17, 2009

You’re driving down the highway when suddenly a car cuts you off almost causing an accident! You slam on the brakes, scream obscenities while adrenaline courses through your system! Your heart’s in your throat!

This is your body’s fight/flight response preparing you to defend against any and all danger—real or perceived. All survival mental and physical systems are on high alert like:
Faster heart beat
Faster, shallower breathing
Heightened vision and hearing
Muscle tension and much more

Triggering your stress response does no significant damage if your body returns fairly quickly to a balanced state to recover from the energy drain. Humans are incredibly resilient to their daily dose of stress.

The danger is that today’s fast-paced lifestyle triggers the fight/flight many times a day if not an hour leaving too many with an elevated stress response all day, most days. If your body doesn’t have time to recover from one triggering event to the next you end up in a near constant state of tension making you more vulnerable to everything from:
§ Insomnia to indigestion
§ Exhaustion to heart disease
§ Diabetes to depression and more

So, protect yourself from chronic stress, elevated stress that lasts for four months or longer, like:
§ A traumatic event like a hurricane and its aftermath
§ Chronic illness
§ Long-term care-giving
§ On-going financial stress
§ Hotheadedness and impatience
§ The American lifestyle of working entirely too much and resting far too little

Because modern stress is mostly mental, not physical, requiring mental solutions not physical attacks or retreats you have to slam on the brakes of your fight/flight energy. Over time this takes its toll on you physically and emotionally.

Much of the damage from chronic stress comes from the fight/flight hormone, cortisol. Even small hassles that aren’t worth risking your health over or simply stewing about stress contribute to the accumulation of symptoms.

Dr. Robert Sapolsky, author of “Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers”, explains the damage of chronic stress: “No single disastrous effect, no lone gunman. Instead, kicking and poking and impeding, here and there, make this a bit worse, [make] that a bit less effective. Thus making it more likely for the roof to cave in one day.”

For example, your in-laws call; the sound of their voices sets you on edge. Do you realize that your stress response just ordered your stomach to diminish or stop digesting? Digestion isn’t essential for fighting or fleeing so it’s shut down or slowed while your heart and lungs rev up to defend against an attacking tiger. Could this explain why indigestion is so common today? Yes!

Which stressors are you spending your vital energy on? A difficult boss? Financial stress? Coping with change? Who pushes your buttons? Certainly, some of these are worth your energy, while others are not so it’s vital to pick and choose your battles.

Next week we’ll consider ways to get more rest away from your stress, the key to protecting yourself from chronic stress.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.

Chronic stress over the economy can make you sick
Stress for Success
March 10, 2009

Humans can tolerate an incredible amount of stress. But when it becomes chronic you should be concerned about your physical and emotional health.

Collectively Americans are experiencing chronic stress right now due to the economic crisis. So does this mean some will suffer negative consequences? Probably.

We can learn from a study of post-9/11 stress and its subsequent health consequences as reported by Tony Barboza (January 8, 2008, LA Times).

After the 2001 terrorist attacks UC Irvine tracked fifteen hundred people over three years with annual follow-up surveys showing that stress and fear about terrorism after 9/11 may have caused heart problems (published in January’s Archives of General Psychiatry). Even those with no personal connection to the attacks, the majority of whom watched live television coverage, were affected.

UCI researchers linked psychological stress responses to the attacks to a 53% increase in heart problems, including high blood pressure and stroke, in the three years following 9/11. Most of those surveyed had no preexisting heart problems. The results persisted even when risk factors like high cholesterol, smoking and obesity were taken into account.

The study’s lead researcher Alison Holman, assistant professor of nursing science at UCI, said, “It seems that the 9/11 attacks were so potent that media exposure helped to convey enough stress that people responded in a way that contributed to their cardiovascular problems.” (Do you watch a lot of today’s news coverage of the economic crisis?)

Research participants were asked in online surveys to report doctor-diagnosed ailments and assess their fear of terrorism by rating how much they agreed with statements like, “I worry that an act of terrorism will personally affect me or someone in my family in the future.” (Do you chronically worry about economic ruin?)

Chronic worriers who continued to fear terrorism for several years after the attacks were the most at risk of heart problems and three to four times more likely to report doctor-diagnosed heart problems two to three years after the attacks.

These same researchers in a study released in 2002 found that 17% of the U.S. population outside New York City reported symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) two months after the terrorist attacks. Those with high levels of PTS symptoms in the first nine to 14 days after the attacks were more than twice as likely to report heart problems up to three years later.

What lessons can we learn to protect ourselves from today’s financial stress?
§ Limit economic news consumption;
§ Challenge chronic worrying with action steps to protect yourself:
o Suze Orman advices having backup plans in case you lose your job and/or home – including whom to move in with if the worst happens;
§ Realign your expectations to match present day reality:
o Price your home to sell if you’re under pressure;
o If you need a job take any vs. waiting for one that’s commensurate to the one you lost;
o Live within an affordable budget;

Limit the damage of chronic stress to avoid its health consequences, the topic for next week.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of Inter Action Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Stress hormone may increase appetite, weight gain
Stress for Success
March 3, 2009

When stressed, even when simply thinking stressful (angry/fearful) thoughts, you trigger your body’s physiological fight/flight reaction. The most potentially damaging of the seventeen hormones that are part of this stress response is cortisol, a glucocorticoid.

One of cortisol’s roles during stress is to provide your body with energy. So, stress might lead you to eat more due to an increased appetite. The fuel your muscles need during the fight/flight response is sugar so you crave carbohydrates when stressed.

"During the first couple of days following a stressful event, cortisol is giving you a cue to eat high-carbohydrate foods," says endocrinologist Ricardo Dr. Perfetti, M.D., Ph.D., of Cedars Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. "… you (can) quickly learn a behavioral response that you feel almost destined to repeat anytime you feel stressed."

This was adaptive for our ancestors because they actually physically fought or fled from, say, attacking beasts. But we modern humans have to apply the brakes to our stress energy to keep from punching someone out or running away from them, sending stress hormones coursing through our bodies.

When you’re stressed over anything your body doesn't know that you’re not physically fighting or fleeing, so it still responds with the hormonal signal to replenish nutritional stores making you feel hungry. The resultant extra eating may cause weight gain.

So, Cortisol has become the newest excuse for packing on the pounds. However, research disagrees on whether excessive cortisol actually causes weight gain and fat deposits in your abdominal area.

Some research shows that abdominal fat causes chemical changes that can lower metabolism and increase cravings for sweets, possibly leading to additional weight gain. However, Mayo Clinic dietitian Katherine Zeratsky, RD, LD, doesn’t believe that the amount of cortisol produced by a healthy stressed person is enough to cause weight gain. She says that stress causes you to accumulate excess fat only when your body produces large amounts of cortisol due to side effects of medication or an underlying medical condition like Cushing's syndrome.

Others, like Dr. Caroline Cederquist, board certified family and bariatric physician the majority of whose patients have abdominal weight issues, believes our high stress lifestyles create cortisol-induced symptoms, including abdominal weight gain. This can also lead to higher cholesterol and blood sugar levels and elevated blood pressure, all factors for heart disease.

The research on the role of cortisol in obesity remains speculative. Blaming weight gain on stress ignores the possibility that you’ve developed a habit of eating in response to stress, a learned habit encouraged by brain chemistry that can be unlearned. Future research should settle this question. In the meantime, lower your stress, eat healthfully, exercise and avoid giving into the temptation of carbohydrates when stressed.

Here’s the bottom line to weight loss. It always has been which suggests it always will be—until a miracle weight loss treatment is invented. There are two ways to lose weight: eat fewer (and better) calories and burn more of those calories by moving your body more. Period.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of Inter Action Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization

Specific goals needed when trying to lose weight
Keeping eating, exercise journal can reveal habits
Stress for Success
February 24, 2009


“A goal without a plan is just a dream.”

How many times have you tried to lose weight and been successful – for a month or two?

If you know you “should” lose weight but you’ve historically failed, add a plan to support your goals and increase your likelihood of success.

Since a first step in changing anything is becoming consciously aware of your present behavior, for the next month keep an eating and exercising journal to reveal your habits, therefore what needs to change. Note what you eat for every meal and in between. Be brutally honest with yourself or this will be of little benefit. Also note any and all exercise you get during the same month.

Then circle all that work against your weight loss efforts. These indicate what your goal setting must include.

Next, along with your physician write specific and measurable goals that gradually decrease your consumption of sugars, fats, and decrease portion-size, and increase the amount of fresh fruits, vegetables, whole grains and exercise. For example for March:
§ Decrease from two cans of sugar soda to one can daily;
§ Eat at least three servings of fresh fruits and vegetables/day;
§ Drink at least four glasses of water daily;
§ Walk for 15 minutes, five days a week;
§ Lose one pound/week

After you’ve accomplished these goals, reset them to completely eliminate sugar drinks, eat at least five daily servings of fruits and veggies and walk for at least 30 minutes five times a week for April and beyond.

No matter your present weight, to prevent obesity and its associated health problems and to make your goals easier to attain:
§ Continue recording your food intake and exercise routine to keep yourself honest and on target;
§ Study your food/exercise journal to identify what precedes your eating binges, avoid those situations and develop a strategy to handle them. For instance substitute boredom with something you see as positive like participating in a hobby or calling a supportive person.
§ Exercise most days for 30 – 60 minutes of moderately intense physical activity, like fast walking or biking to keep off the pounds;
§ Eat far more low-calorie, nutrient-dense foods (fruits, vegetables and whole grains) and limit saturated fats, sweets and alcohol. Eat a wide variety of foods keeping the high-fat and high-calorie foods to a minimum only for special occasions.
§ Weigh yourself regularly, at least weekly. Apply the brakes to bad habits when you’re 3 – 5 pounds over your target weight.

Some seriously obese may qualify for medications and even surgery; but do your research. There are side-effects and possible negative consequences. You may need to take the medications indefinitely because when they’re stopped much or all of the weight generally returns. As with any surgery, complications like pneumonia, blood clots, etc. can occur.

To gain control over your weight and conditioning commit to making lifestyle changes of eating healthier and moving your body more. Make both enjoyable so your new habits are easy to continue.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of Inter Action Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization

Overcome survival instincts to lose weight
Stress for Success
February 3, 2009

I used to be ravenous in my 20s and feared that I’d never get control of my eating. My near-daily splurges included three big Snickers bars, an entire three-row package of cheap cookies, or a large bag of potato chips.

But here’s what really woke me up. After moving to a new apartment with all new kitchen supplies I discovered to my horror that I’d consumed an entire 3-pound can of Crisco in one month! I loved greasy popcorn.

Once I became conscious of this disgusting fact I completely quit eating popcorn for many years. Now I infrequently eat microwave popcorn.

Had I continued gorging I’d be a candidate for the 86% of Americans who could be overweight or obese by 2030, including 96% of non-Hispanic black women and 91% of Mexican American men. As much as $956.9 billion might be spent for overweight and obesity-related costs, one of every six health-care dollars. All of this is according to Youfa Wang, MD, PhD, associate professor with the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, Center for Human Nutrition.

The overweight or obese are at increased risk for developing hypertension, type 2 diabetes, heart disease and stroke. Researchers estimate that children and young adults may have shorter life expectancies than their parents if this obesity epidemic continues unabated.

But as I wrote last week, much of our obesity problem comes from the human survival instinct to protect against future starvation by eating calorie-dense fats and sugars and eating more than we need.

Whether you want to lose weight from your holiday excesses or you simply need to shed some pounds you’ll have to overcome this evolutionary programming of eating until you’re full. My favorite advice is from Michael Pollan, author of "The Omnivore's Dilemma," "Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants."

You’ll also need to develop greater awareness of your excesses and the willpower to change until healthier eating becomes a lifestyle.

Deidre Barrett, professor of psychology at Harvard and author of “Wasteland” says, “… most people fail in the first three days on a diet,” so it’s important to know what to expect. It takes:
* 72 hours of cravings to reset hormonal levels;
* Another couple of weeks before dieting becomes easier;

She also suggests no cheating on a diet because taking an absolute approach is better than moment-to-moment decision-making regarding what to eat.

Your instinct to eat until you’re full also triggers rationalizations that you must become consciously aware of and argue against. How do you justify eating something you know isn’t on your diet? “I’ve had a stressful day and having ice cream won’t kill me.” Argue against your excuses. “I may deserve something for being stressed but it doesn’t have to be food.”

When in my 20s I didn’t realize it was instinct driving my eating habits. I thought I was just a pig (that’s harsh but you should have seen what I ate!) I simply came to the conclusion that I’d rather be healthy than full. How about you?

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of Inter Action Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization

Combat that holiday excess
Stress for Success
January 27, 2009

“All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.”

If work includes healthy eating and exercise and play includes no exercise and eating lots of Christmas goodies, then I’ve been a very interesting girl. My husband’s homemade toffee candy is to die for and my Norwegian lefse is nothing to sneeze at and I’m full of both.

Since the late 1960s at this time of year I eat only a variety of apples (about eight a day) for two days (the recommended is for three days.) It feels good to flush out from my system all those accumulated holiday sugars.

Avoid being too dull by balancing your excesses with moderation, even though it goes against our survival instinct of eating until we’re full.

For most of human history the food supply was uncertain so our metabolism was calibrated to guard against possible future starvation. The problem today is because eating more doesn't satisfy us we merely readjust how much we think we need.

Our survival instincts work against us in several other ways, too.
§ We crave the historically rare calorie-dense fats and sugars that protected us from starvation that are now plentiful and in overkill cause obesity;
§ We don’t yearn for historically abundant plants;
§ Our dieting willpower decreases once we've lost weight.

Just compare our ancestors' lean and muscular bodies due to their physical exertion for hunting or gathering their unsure food supply to ours. It isn’t pretty. We have an overabundance of food that we get from the grocery store. Too many of us eat entirely too much and exercise entirely too little, and not just over the holidays. For many it’s a lifestyle choice.

According to an April 3, 2008 US Department of Health and Human Services Public Health Service progress review:
§ Adults 20+ years with healthy weight range (body mass index or BMI 18.5 - 24.9) was 32% from 2003 to 2006
o It was 42% from 1988 to 1994
o This disturbing trend was found across all demographic groups for whom data were collected, including Mexican Americans, non-Hispanic blacks, and non-Hispanic whites, across genders and income levels.
§ Obese (BMI 30 or above) 20+ years old was 33% in 2003 to 2006
o Up from 23% from 1988 to 1994.
o Mexican Americans rose from 29% to 35%
o Non-Hispanic blacks from 30% to 45%
o Non-Hispanic whites from 22% to 32%

The Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health posted a July 28, 2008 projection that 86% of Americans could be overweight or obese by 2030 with health care spending as much as $956.9 billion!

We’re all in this boat of excess together. It’s in our collective interest to develop more moderate eating habits and to lose significant weight, improving our health, which would take pressure off of insurance premiums and taxes that ultimately pay for these excesses.

Next week we’ll look at how we can overcome our human nature of eating more than we need out of the fear we may starve tomorrow.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of Inter Action Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization

Live and authentic life
Stress for Success
January 20, 2009

Authentic: genuine, real, valid, bona fide

Living an authentic life, one that' s consistent with what you value and who you genuinely are, leads to a much more meaningful life that’s less stressful and can help you through today’s challenges.

The opposite of authentic is fake (counterfeit, forged, phony). Living a counterfeit life leads to an underlying discomfort in all that you do that feels phony to you. For example, an honest person who sells a product she believes is faulty would be stressed. Her mental health would improve significantly if she found employment that honored her values.

"Authenticity is a cornerstone of mental health and is correlated with many aspects of psychological well-being, including vitality, self-esteem, and coping skills. Acting in accordance with one's core self, a trait called self-determination, is ranked by some experts as one of the three basic psychological needs, along with competence and the sense of relatedness,” says Karen Wright (Psychology Today, May/June 2008.)

Social psychologist Michael Kernis of the University of Georgia, Athens, and graduate student Brian Goldman, now of Clayton State University, defined authenticity as “the unimpeded operation of one’s true or core self in one’s daily enterprise.”

They identified four components of authenticity. Self-awareness is the first and most basic: awareness of and confidence in your own intentions, emotions, and preferences. This is represented in:
* Defining what you want in life and making it happen vs. living the life that others say you “should” live
* Knowing your strengths and weaknesses and making appropriate choices based on them
* Taking personal responsibility for your actions vs. blaming outside forces when things go wrong
* Development of self-confidence to tackle life’s challenges, accomplish goals and to develop intimate relationships.

Kernis and Goldman also found that living authentically leads to developing better coping strategies versus manipulating others to get what you’re too unassertive to directly request or escaping through self-destructive patterns like substance abuse.

Doesn’t it make sense then that authentic living could help you deal with the current and stressful state of our world?
* Having an abiding faith in knowing what’s important in your life can help you see this national turmoil as secondary in importance to love of family and friends; it doesn’t make the stress go away but puts it into perspective
* It allows you to cope with greater stability, which improves clear thinking to figure out your options more quickly and decisively
* It encourages you to realize your tendencies so if you’re aware that you spend spontaneously, for example, it could motivate you to create and live by a responsible budget.

Defining what living authentically means to you begins by identifying your values. For example, if you value living within your means then you probably set a spending limit for holiday gifts before you begin shopping; your spending behavior expresses this value.

Next week we’ll look more closely at knowing what you value in life to set a clearer course for a more authentic life.


Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of Inter Action Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization

Slow down and silence the noise around you to access inner voice
Stress for Success
January 12, 2009


Does keeping pace with the hectic and very complex American lifestyle put you into “rut-living” where you operate on automatic pilot therefore missing much of the best of life? If so, learn to access the healthy advice your inner voice tries to communicate to you; some of which could help you create a life that’s simpler and less stressful.

To access your internal wisdom, however, you must slow down to hear it; you must regularly stop the noise and create silence. Try these ideas:
* Start your morning routine more slowly. Get up a few minutes earlier, brush your teeth, eat and drive more slowly.
* Cut down your intake of coffee and other stimulants.
* Connect with nature daily with a conscious walk; not just a mechanical one, but one where you focus on nature and the dawning light. If you're not willing to do this, at least take a deep breath of fresh air and enjoy our incredible Florida fall weather each morning.
* Surround yourself with beauty. I don’t mean buy stuff that becomes mere clutter but rather make your environment at work and at home more appealing to you. Bring in flowers, photos, meaningful mementos, candles and fresh air. Years ago I followed advice from a creativity book by setting up my office with more pleasing colors through multihued paper clips, pens and picture frames. I’ve drawn pleasure and energy from them ever since.
* Seek and enjoy daily silence, the opposite of the cacophony of noises that surround you: the alarming alarm that shocks you awake, the offensive hair dryer, the endless drone of depressing TV news, the ubiquitous office clamor and strident screams of rush-hour traffic. All day you’re surrounded by so much noise that it becomes part of the backdrop of life --- until it totally stops --- leaving the sweet sound of silence.

Don’t underestimate the stress of this incessant clamor. It absolutely blocks your intuition from seeing the light of day.

Once you create a more pleasant and restful rhythm to your life, you can more easily tap into your innate good judgment. A quiet mind is the window through which you can do this using:
* Deep relaxation
* Quiet mind journaling

Here’s the easiest relaxation technique I’ve ever learned. Start with five minutes and work up to 20 minutes:
* Deep breathe for a few minutes until you feel quite relaxed
* With eyes closed, notice yourself inhaling, then as you exhale think, “I’m relaxed,” over and over again

Frequently follow relaxation with journaling. Keep your journal private so you’ll feel no need to edit yourself. You can always destroy what you’ve written later if necessary.

Gradually important insights will surface. To speed these up, write a question or two about whichever challenge you’re focusing on before relaxing and answer it after you’ve meditated.

Repetitively journaling about your life’s questions provides a channel through which your sixth sense can communicate with you. Let it help you create a more genuine and simpler life.


Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of Inter Action Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization

Simplifying your life will help put you more in control of it
Stress for Success
January 6, 2009

There's nothing simple about the American lifestyle where we work too much and rest too little while we race against the clock eating too much and exercising too infrequently. No wonder we’re a society of obesity and diabetes, heart attacks and strokes, sleep deprivation and exhaustion.

Wow, that’s depressing! While this description may not be true of everybody, perhaps, it's a little true about most of us.

So what can you do?

Make living easier by slowing down, if not getting off, the treadmill of your life.

Happiness and satisfaction come from being what you want to be and living your values, from loving and supportive relationships, and from being satisfied with what you have versus dissatisfied with what you don't have. Simplifying your life can clear out your mental, emotional and physical clutter so the clarity of what’s truly important to you can shine through. Then slowly build your life around those things.

Unfortunately, too many are controlled by having to make a living to support the lifestyle they’ve chosen, one that’s full of clutter. This is the opposite of simplicity. To live more simply you must get rid of whatever confuses your life, both figuratively such as emotional clutter, and literally such as the stuff that piles up at home and at work.

Start the process by repeatedly asking yourself:
* What drains me the most at work and at home? Why?

For example, Peggy (not her real name) had been living in her stressful rut for so long that she couldn’t see the forest for the trees. But when she stepped back to contemplate this question it didn’t take her long to identify what was exhausting her; too much housework after long work days and too much fighting between her kids that she “had” to referee.

Here are some of the changes she made:
* She instituted weekly, family meetings where everyone discussed little, daily problems like Michael playing his music too loudly vs. Sarah failing Spanish. They learned to negotiate problem-solving, which reduced family tension so the kids fought less. Peggy also learned to stop refereeing their battles, which she shockingly learned was actually encouraging them.
* Through another family meeting everyone negotiated sharing household chores. Over a couple of months of Peggy not stepping in to “improve” or criticize how someone did their jobs, gradually all stepped up to the plate to pitch in more while Peggy learned to let go of expecting all tasks to be done perfectly.
* She scheduled thirty minutes of solitude three times a week after work to mediate, do yoga or just take a nap.

She started these small steps to decrease the tension from her main irritants. Over several months she experienced less stress, which allowed her to see even more areas that needed adjustment.

Taking even small steps to resolve what drains you miraculously moves you along the path to not only simplify your life but, more importantly, to put you back in control of it.


Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of Inter Action Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization

Live ’09 with more frugal values
It’s time we stop instant gratification and preach patience
Stress for Success
December 30, 2008

Brace yourself: 2009 may be even more financially challenging than 2008. Given that our collective American values got us into this mess perhaps we should identify which ones and replace them with values to help us get through it and avoid the same mistakes in the future.

Here are some values that drove our profligate behavior in recent decades and new ones with which to replace them:
* Greed Þ moderation
* Instant gratification; spend now! Þ patience; save more!
* Materialism Þ generosity

A thesaurus search for "moderation" finds: restraint, self-control, and temperance. "Excess" is its antonym.

In which ways are you personally excessive? Do you eat or drink too much? Are you a shopaholic? Does your excess fail to satisfy you in a day or a week? It may be time to consider decreasing yours significantly.

But first you must decide if you actually value moderation. Identify how restraint could benefit you - and not just financially. For example, if you’re an over-spender does this create tension with your significant other? If so, controlling your spending would benefit both your bank account and your relationship.

When tempted to buy something unnecessary ask what you value more, the item or your relationship, the item or your bank account. Consciously comparing how much you prefer one thing over another prioritizes your values. If you buy the item consciously admit that you currently value the item more than your relationship or your bank account.

The infamous American need for instant gratification has skyrocketed along with advertising, intensifying with each new generation. We forget that our grandparents accumulated their possessions after a life time of saving for them.

Instead, many in financial stress today were tempted by the soaring real estate values that made them feel rich. Those who refinanced their homes taking out and spending cash on stuff now have lots of stuff and a home that' s worth less than their mortgage.

We need to get back to the novel idea of buying only that for which we have cash. However, the convenience of credit cards makes this hopelessly outdated. But you can stay on a disciplined budget and enjoy the convenience of credit cards.

Decide how much you can afford to spend monthly after your rent/mortgage is paid. Withdraw that amount of cash divided it into four weekly envelopes. When you get gas, for example, use your credit card. Then transfer that amount of cash from a spending envelope into a checking account deposit envelop to cover the charge when it comes through.

Finally, imagine a world where generosity is valued more than materialism. People literally giving the money they’d otherwise spend to someone who needs it. Or being more generous in spirit: volunteering, taking time to listen to someone who needs to be heard, or visiting a lonely neighbor.

These idealized, if not always actual, frugal American values could have avoided this financial mess. They can still get us back to basics reminding us of what’s really important in life. And it isn’t stuff.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of Inter Action Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization

Positive life values can ease demands on time, energy
Stress for Success
December 23, 2008


During the holiday season it’s easy to be in a constant rush: to shop, cook, clean, attend parties, not to mention work. The barrage of ads for a multitude of gifts and holiday preparations becomes a blur. The jam-packed weeks exhaust you.

To more easily navigate these conflicting demands for your time and energy it’s important to be strongly steeped in your positive life values.

Your values, your ideas about what’s right and wrong, are well established during your 20s and serve as your decision-making and problem-solving compass. Having them guide your choices makes life far less stressful than allowing the prevailing wind to dictate your actions. They help you plot a course through your stressful world with greater clarity and purpose that’s in alignment with your authentic self.

Your values also determine your character and affect everything you do and everything you are. For example, a store clerk gives you too much change. If you value honesty over money you'll return it.

To reduce your stress you need to have not only a clear set of values but also an unwavering commitment to them. According to the authors of "Stress: Living and Working in a Changing World," by Manning, Curtis and McMillan, to live authentically you must:
* know what your values are
* cherish them
* declare them
* act on them
* act habitually on them

They believe that "arrested development" occurs when you fail to complete any of these five requirements.

So consciously choose which of your values to let predominate. Here’s a sampling of some to consider:
Acceptance of others as they are Achievement Appearance
Arts Career Creativity
Education Enjoyment Environment
Fairness Family Fitness
Honesty Leisure Love
Loyalty Quiet time Money
Nature Personal growth Physical health
Personal power Privacy Recognition
Respect for self/others Relationships Risk taking
Security

For example, if you typically value quiet time but have a house full of guests for Christmas perhaps you can consciously allow yourself to let the values of family and relationships prevail while your guests are with you. It’s not that you toss out your other value; it’s simply a choice of which values to accentuate.

Or ahead of any potentially stressful event, identify which values you want to honor. For instance, you know you and your nemesis will attend the same Christmas party and your typical reaction to each other is competitive and defensive. By repeating a mantra to yourself over and over affirming the values you want to display you can handle the encounter more as you want vs. reacting defensively. “I respect him and accept him as he is.” The more you recite this to yourself before and during the party the more you’ll act in accordance with these values.

So look ahead to the stressful challenges that await you. Consciously choose the positive values you’d like to guide you through each and program yourself to exhibit these. The more you do this the more your behavior aligns with your values; the more you’ll live authentically.


Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of Inter Action Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization

Learn to be an efficient worrier over financial stress
Stress for Success
December 16, 2008

Financial stress triggers basic survival fears so it’s normal to worry excessively and experience symptoms like:
* insomnia
* digestive problems
* increased alcohol/drug consumption, etc.

The mind is absolutely connected to the body. So, to limit these and other negative consequences you must control your mind.

Become an efficient worrier by not worrying about what’s beyond your control. For instance, I still look at our monthly investment statements but if I start stewing about the state of our retirement funds I’ll stop. Wall Street's ups and downs are beyond my control so why obsess about them?

Or worrying about your mate’s stressful sleeping habits is also beyond your control, so don’t go there.

Instead, try these ideas to stop invasive and anxious thoughts. These only work if you use them habitually.

Redirect your thinking:
* Thought stopping: when you hear the rumblings of stressful thoughts think or say out loud, “Stop!” Repeat it over and over until you successfully stop the undesired thoughts.
* Affirmations: replace stressful ruminations with thoughts that carry you toward your positive goal. For example, for the goal of finding additional income think, “I’m finding financial opportunities.” Habitually replacing stressful thoughts with affirmations, over time, gives you more personal control, while directing your mind to look for (and find) those opportunities.

Redirect your emotions:
When stressed you’ll always react emotionally. Anger and fear, Mother Nature’s survival emotions (and “sub-emotions” like irritation, loneliness, etc.,) are present to the degree you’re stressed. They mostly operate out of the amygdala region of your brain, which also triggers your physical fight/flight response putting strain on your body and emotions. This explains the above symptoms.

Medical scientist Dr. Nick Hall reports that discomfort with negative emotions, especially anger, correlates with increased susceptibility to some cancers and immune system dysfunction like rheumatoid arthritis. He advises stopping the “chemical pinball game in the brain areas that are engaged in emotions,” by shifting your focus away from your feelings at the moment of their escalation. For example, if you’re stressed by job losses where you work he recommends finishing this incomplete statement three times in context of what’s upsetting you: “I am glad that …”
* “… I still have my job”
* “… my spouse still has hers”
* “… I still have an opportunity to be useful to my employer.”

Noting what you’re glad about in the very situation that’s driving you to the edge gives you more power and the stressor less.

Finally, in this same vein, list your “I’m gratefuls” each morning upon awakening. Given this financial mess you could be grateful for:
* Your health
* Your strong relationships
* The beautiful weather
* No hurricanes this year

The economy will do what it’s going to do. It’s certainly beyond your control. How you handle it is within your control. Even though these ideas change nothing in the tangible world, they change your internal world, which will determine how you handle this crisis, therefore its possible consequences.


Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of Inter Action Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization

There’s general unease and growing chronic stress in America
Stress for Success
December 9,2008


The distress around America over our collective financial future is palpable. Even if you aren’t personally suffering from our economic ills you almost certainly know others who are.

Here are three ideas to help manage your anxiety while navigating these uncertain times.

First, with the ongoing nature of this fiscal unraveling those who are most affected are experiencing chronic stress (elevated stress that lasts for months), which places significantly more physical and emotional strain on them. If this goes on too long they can expect more illness and even possibly disease development, which they’d largely be unaware of. So it's vital to take better care of yourself to mitigate the damages of stress.

For example, if you've lost income and find yourself with extra time it's far wiser to invest your energy into not only looking for new income but also into health-enhancing activities like exercising, spending more time with your family and volunteering vs. channel surfing with depressed thoughts rumbling around your brain. (The latter is almost impossible to eliminate but can be controlled by spending far more time on healthy pursuits; more on other ways to limit your worrying next week.) See this as an opportunity to accomplish things you’ve been meaning to.

Secondly, much of stress reduction, regardless of the source of your stress, is to focus on what's within your control and to cope with what's beyond, a subject I’ve addressed many times in the five years of this column.

Regarding the state of the world economy and your place in it, make your first stress reduction step to identify what’s within and beyond your control.

What’s beyond your control includes:
* the direction and the duration of the financial pain, including what happens with the stock market
* the government's, your employer’s and anyone else’s response to it
* job losses
* etc.

Divert your focus away from the above and onto what’s within your control including your:
* reaction to all of the above, which includes your spending and saving habits, how aggressively or not you look for new work, how you spend newly found time
* worrying and possible resulting illness or stress symptoms like insomnia
* reaction to a probable increased workload if you still have your job
* etc.

Problem-solve on what’s within your control by identifying your options and choosing a strategy to address your issues.

Lastly, what can you learn to avoid such monetary stress in the future? If you had too big a mortgage you’ve learned (hopefully) that you need to live below not above your means, to save more money, and/or to cut your credit card use. What will you do differently to avoid being in this position again?

Who knows, we may look back on this meltdown as ultimately good for us. It may get us back to basics – like spending less that we make! In the meantime, protect yourself from the ravages of chronic stress by taking better care of yourself than you normally do.


Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of Inter Action Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization

Be assertive, but think first
Stress for Success
December 2, 2008

To be assertive or not to be assertive, that’s often the question.

Too frequently those who’ve been historically passive go from challenging virtually nothing to confronting almost everything. But it’s important to pick and choose your battles. Some aren’t worth fighting. Consider the dilemma over whether or not to speak up during political conversations.

It’s certainly possible to carry on respectful political dialogue; it's just difficult with many people. When you’re with others who are voicing their political views determine if it’s worth it for you to counter with your own different opinions by identifying your goal. Depending upon the circumstances, you may choose to remain quiet or to speak up. Let your goal guide you.

If your objective is to present an opposing belief, then jump in. To do this assertively you must respect the others’ rights to believe as they do. Listening well communicates this respect. If your intent is to convince the other person how wrong they are and how right you are, good luck.

No matter the situation, to assert yourself use assertive formulas to help you think before you speak. They’re clumsy at first but once you become proficient they become effortless to use.

To request behavior change:
1. Describe the other person' s unacceptable behavior
2. Explain the negative consequences of it
3. Request behavior change for the future

E.g., You have employees arguing over politics and your goal is for them to keep it out of the office:
When you discuss politics in the office and disagree your voices get louder attracting customers' attention (step one.) This can be uncomfortable for them, which is unacceptable to me (step two.) Please keep your political conversations outside of the office and on your own time (step three.)

Surface manipulation:
1. Describe what you perceive as manipulative behavior
2. State your interpretation of it
3. Ask if you're correct

E.g., You’ve stated a political view and your conversational partner looks at another person and rolls her eyes with a slight nod in your direction. Your interpretation is that she’s communicating, “How ignorant is he?” You could say:
Sue, I just noticed you rolling your eyes after I stated my opinion. It seems to me that you may think that I don’t know what I’m talking about. Am I right? (If you ask you’d better be ready for her response!)

When you expose someone’s manipulation they’re less likely to try it again with you.

Here’s a modified example for this formula. Your customer seems to be complaining in a manipulative way by saying, “You’re employees were here cleaning yesterday and they actually vacuumed behind the doors.” Your response could be, “It sounds like what you’re really saying is that they usually don’t. Is that right?”

Assertiveness training is full of formulas that help you think before you speak. At first they take a minute or more to fill out, which suggests that you should take at least that much time to think before you speak up, especially in potentially sensitive discussions.


Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of Inter Action Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization

Let’s get back to the basics for this Thanksgiving week
Stress for Success
November 25, 2008


Even if you have less economic security to be grateful for this year the best things in life are still bountiful and mostly free, like loving relationships, motivating work and hobbies, and enjoying nature. You can lower your stress by noticing these more often and being consciously grateful for them on a daily basis.

But this is difficult for some who’ve had to tighten their belts lately. We’re so used to buying what we want when we want it. We take our historic affluence for granted.

But spending doesn’t make you happier. In fact, the more stuff you have the more you want. Besides, psychologically you habituate to all of it, you become accustomed to it. Your must-buys only motivate you for a short time. No matter how wonderful something is at first, like winning the lottery, if it becomes a constant, you habituate to it. So don’t long for what you had yesterday. It wasn’t as good as you thought anyway.

Those who are either losing their homes or fear that they might would welcome only having to cut their expenses. Everything is relative. It’s more difficult to focus on what you’re grateful for when you’re not sure where you may be living next month -- but it’s even more important that you do because of another human tendency; to focus on what’s wrong in your life. This propensity helps humanity survive. However, focusing too much on what’s stressful tightens the blinders you wear through life, which limits your ability to see beyond them where some of the best ideas for solving life’s problems exist. You can loosen those blinders by seeking greater emotional balance between worrying excessively about what’s frightening you and appreciating what you have.

So let’s get back to the basics this Thanksgiving week and focus consciously and frequently on what you have to be thankful for. Look around you and count the people and experiences that give you joy and comfort.

I’ve asked several people recently what they’re grateful for and their answers include the obvious of family, friends and health along with:
* Food on the table for this week
* A sense of humor to cope with what’s going on around us that’s beyond our control
* Just being able to get out of bed in the morning
* Beautiful weather
* Less traffic
* A functional car and cheaper gas
* Having a service business that doesn’t have merchandise that’s not selling
* Great music
* A husband who not only does all of the cooking but who cooks so well (that one’s mine)

So, I’m going to prepare for our Thanksgiving guests, whom I love, and keep them on my mind as I clean our house and finish the little touch-ups that one does before the guests arrive. It gives meaning to these menial tasks. I’ll also look forward to and be grateful for my husband’s wonderful dinner.

And I wish the same for you, Happy Thanksgiving.


Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of Inter Action Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization

Be assertive with those who talk behind your back
Be honest, appropriate and direct in dialogue
Stress for Success
November 18, 2008


What would you do if a co-worker insulted your work behind your back? If you’re mostly passive you’d probably complain to an ally and say nothing directly to the back-stabber. If aggressive you’d likely get in that person’s face and confront him about it. Neither of these approaches typically works well and both strain the relationship.

How would an assertive person handle something like this?

Two hallmarks of assertive communication are being:
* direct; not blunt, but respectfully direct
* goal-oriented; before charging in to directly confront him she’d first figure out her goal. Is it to request that he speak directly to her? Is it to defend herself from his insults? Knowing her positive goal facilitates being direct in her communication.

Let’s say her goal is to hear directly from him about his problem with her work so if something does need to change they can discuss it and come to an agreement about it.

To assertively address this she could use the “Feedback Statement,” an excellent technique I learned from the groundbreaking assertiveness book, “Your Perfect Right” by Emmons and Albertti. It helps you say almost anything to almost anyone. Its approach honors the definition of assertiveness: standing up for yourself in a way that respects the rights of others; being direct, honest and appropriate in expressing your feelings and opinions.

It has three steps:
1. Describe the situation you’re referring to (without judging or labeling it)
2. Say how you feel about it (optional)
3. Say what you’d like to see done about the situation, the problem solving step.

She could say to him:
Jon, I understand that you have a problem with my work on the XYZ project (step one.) I’d appreciate hearing directly from you about what you’d like to see different so we could decide which changes, if any, need to be made (step three.)

To be effective she’d also need to assert herself nonverbally. After all, it’s not what you say but how you say it that’s important. Here are some assertive nonverbal communication habits that would enhance her credibility.
* Direct and appropriate eye contact
* Congruency between words and nonverbal behavior
* Confident stance: shoulders back, chest out, head up
* Hands in powerful position: in pockets, down by sides, held together behind back or in front
* Even vocal tones
* “I” language, e.g., “I think this is unfair,” vs. “You’re unfair,” a “you” message
* Goal-oriented words
* Direct questions and answers
* Excellent use of listening skills

She’d further assert herself by:
* asking directly for what she wants (her goal)
* being tactful and honest
* having concern for others’ feelings but not ruled by them
* believing strongly in personal responsibility -- she’s not responsible for him nor is he responsible for her
* being willing to nip problems in the bud and positively confront others and negotiate fairly with them

Next week I’ll share other great techniques that can help you assert yourself more effectively.


Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of Inter Action Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization

Be more assertive and avoid aggressive language, behaviors
Stress for Success
November 11, 2008

Historically, females have been socialized to be passive people-pleasers while males to be aggressive achievers. Balance between extremes is almost always a healthier way to live therefore being overly passive or aggressive is unproductive, not to mention stressful.

Even though aggressive people are more likely to get their way they often feel guilty afterward. Plus, they also suffer hidden consequences called the “20 second payback.”

This is a term coined by Synectics of Boston, MA. In videotaped research they discovered that when a person in a meeting or working on a team perceived himself to have been stepped on it took that person on average 20 seconds to get even for the affront. Their payback might be to sabotage their opponent, resist him, etc. They may not actually get even within 20 seconds but at some level of awareness have decided to at some point. In other words, aggressive people may win the battle but they often lose the war.

In assertive vocabulary, being aggressive means standing up for yourself in a way that you violate the rights of others. It’s often confused with assertiveness but there’s a huge difference. Assertive people respect the rights of others. Aggressive people don’t put much thought into others’ rights. Instead, they’re overly focused on getting their own needs met.

Aggressive verbal and nonverbal behaviors include (although the higher-up a person is in an organization the more subtle these traits may be):
* Invade others’ space
* Use of touching to intimidate
* Daring non-verbal behavior like an aggressive stance
* Hard eyes that bore into their “opponent”
* Forceful voice, possibly loud
* Racist, sexist, ageist language
* Exceedingly focused on the goal and not enough on the people-side of interactions
* Overly direct and blunt
* Use of vocabulary to intimidate
* Abusive language, threatening tone and words

Because aggressive people are so goal-focused they tend to assume that when you get what you want it’ll be impossible for them to get what they want. They see life as a win/lose game with little appreciation for the win/win mentality. Their competitiveness finds them with the need to be right, to win and to score points.

Other tactics used by many aggressive people include:
* Exaggerate, e.g., “I’m sick & tired of being the only one who does anything!”
* Name callers, “You’re a slob.”
* They may threaten you, “If you bother me again, I’ll make your life miserable.”
* Demanding of others, and may use fear to get what they want
* Freely use blame with frequent use of “you” messages, “You’re not a team player.”

Aggressive people working to become more assertive are generally met with greater receptiveness, versus passive people moving toward more assertiveness are met with greater resistance because others want them to remain submissive.

In either case, to become more assertive, which definitely lowers stress, you have to make a conscious effort to do so. It pays off through better relationships, higher self-esteem and more control over your life, therefore lower stress.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of Inter Action Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Being too passive too often decreases your control in life, therefore raises your stress
Stress for Success
November 4, 2008

Women have progressed significantly on the road to assertiveness over past decades by going against many beliefs we, far more than men, were taught to buy into, such as:
* You should never hurt anyone's feelings.
* You should always be polite.
* Don’t be selfish.
* Never toot your own horn, etc.

Yet, some things haven't changed much at all. 2005 research found that girls still receive these messages as evidenced in two fascinating videotaped research experiments that aired on ABC’s 20/20 in 2006. In each the test subjects were either one or two boys or one or two girls ages 9 – 11. The researchers said that the results broadcast represented how virtually every child reacted.

In the first experiment children were given a glass of lemonade that had no sugar but rather salt added to it. When the girls took a sip they grimaced and said, "Gee that’s good. Thanks." The boys gagged dramatically and said, "Why did you give me this? It's terrible!”

In the second experiment the children were given a gift-wrapped-box. In each was a pair of socks and a pencil. Virtually every little girl upon opening hers remarked, "Thank you, I could use a new pair of socks." Virtually without fail the boys opened up theirs and exclaimed, “What a stupid gift!"

When asked why they said that the lemonade was good virtually every girl said, "I didn't want to hurt your feelings.”

These girls were just acting out their socially encouraged role by deferring too often to other's needs. Oprah has said, “When you don’t stand up for what you need, you slowly strangle your spirit.”

If you strangle your own spirit you won’t get many of your needs met, either. You’ll live in greater frustration, therefore stress, and react in indirect ways to get what you want. Strategies include passive-aggressive manipulation, hinting, and suffering.

You can generally spot a passive person a mile away. I've heard multiple interviews with prison inmates who in describing their vulnerable targets they describe passive behaviors:
* Poor or averting eye contact
* Slumped and pulled-into-yourself posture
* Protective stance, appears compliant and hesitant
* Pouting, crying
* Beat around the bush conversationally
* Fidgety, playing with face, hair, earrings, neck-tie
* Head down
* Tentative, soft, small voice, poor projection
* Hedge phrases (“sort of,” “maybe”)
* “Silent words” (deep sighs, banging pots and pans)
* Tag phrases (following a statement with, “don’t you think?”)
* Indirect communication; hint about what you want/need

Passive people are often overly concerned with what others think about them. They’re excessively apologetic, need be liked so try to please others.

To be taken seriously passive people must start by taking themselves seriously. Whichever beliefs that block them from doing this can be identified and challenged by using the “repetitive why technique,” covered in last week’s column.

In the next two weeks we’ll cover the aggressive position followed by assertive skills anyone can use.


Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of Inter Action Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.