Be more assertive and avoid aggressive language, behaviors
Stress for Success
November 11, 2008

Historically, females have been socialized to be passive people-pleasers while males to be aggressive achievers. Balance between extremes is almost always a healthier way to live therefore being overly passive or aggressive is unproductive, not to mention stressful.

Even though aggressive people are more likely to get their way they often feel guilty afterward. Plus, they also suffer hidden consequences called the “20 second payback.”

This is a term coined by Synectics of Boston, MA. In videotaped research they discovered that when a person in a meeting or working on a team perceived himself to have been stepped on it took that person on average 20 seconds to get even for the affront. Their payback might be to sabotage their opponent, resist him, etc. They may not actually get even within 20 seconds but at some level of awareness have decided to at some point. In other words, aggressive people may win the battle but they often lose the war.

In assertive vocabulary, being aggressive means standing up for yourself in a way that you violate the rights of others. It’s often confused with assertiveness but there’s a huge difference. Assertive people respect the rights of others. Aggressive people don’t put much thought into others’ rights. Instead, they’re overly focused on getting their own needs met.

Aggressive verbal and nonverbal behaviors include (although the higher-up a person is in an organization the more subtle these traits may be):
* Invade others’ space
* Use of touching to intimidate
* Daring non-verbal behavior like an aggressive stance
* Hard eyes that bore into their “opponent”
* Forceful voice, possibly loud
* Racist, sexist, ageist language
* Exceedingly focused on the goal and not enough on the people-side of interactions
* Overly direct and blunt
* Use of vocabulary to intimidate
* Abusive language, threatening tone and words

Because aggressive people are so goal-focused they tend to assume that when you get what you want it’ll be impossible for them to get what they want. They see life as a win/lose game with little appreciation for the win/win mentality. Their competitiveness finds them with the need to be right, to win and to score points.

Other tactics used by many aggressive people include:
* Exaggerate, e.g., “I’m sick & tired of being the only one who does anything!”
* Name callers, “You’re a slob.”
* They may threaten you, “If you bother me again, I’ll make your life miserable.”
* Demanding of others, and may use fear to get what they want
* Freely use blame with frequent use of “you” messages, “You’re not a team player.”

Aggressive people working to become more assertive are generally met with greater receptiveness, versus passive people moving toward more assertiveness are met with greater resistance because others want them to remain submissive.

In either case, to become more assertive, which definitely lowers stress, you have to make a conscious effort to do so. It pays off through better relationships, higher self-esteem and more control over your life, therefore lower stress.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of Inter Action Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.