Being too passive too often decreases your control in life, therefore raises your stress
Stress for Success
November 4, 2008

Women have progressed significantly on the road to assertiveness over past decades by going against many beliefs we, far more than men, were taught to buy into, such as:
* You should never hurt anyone's feelings.
* You should always be polite.
* Don’t be selfish.
* Never toot your own horn, etc.

Yet, some things haven't changed much at all. 2005 research found that girls still receive these messages as evidenced in two fascinating videotaped research experiments that aired on ABC’s 20/20 in 2006. In each the test subjects were either one or two boys or one or two girls ages 9 – 11. The researchers said that the results broadcast represented how virtually every child reacted.

In the first experiment children were given a glass of lemonade that had no sugar but rather salt added to it. When the girls took a sip they grimaced and said, "Gee that’s good. Thanks." The boys gagged dramatically and said, "Why did you give me this? It's terrible!”

In the second experiment the children were given a gift-wrapped-box. In each was a pair of socks and a pencil. Virtually every little girl upon opening hers remarked, "Thank you, I could use a new pair of socks." Virtually without fail the boys opened up theirs and exclaimed, “What a stupid gift!"

When asked why they said that the lemonade was good virtually every girl said, "I didn't want to hurt your feelings.”

These girls were just acting out their socially encouraged role by deferring too often to other's needs. Oprah has said, “When you don’t stand up for what you need, you slowly strangle your spirit.”

If you strangle your own spirit you won’t get many of your needs met, either. You’ll live in greater frustration, therefore stress, and react in indirect ways to get what you want. Strategies include passive-aggressive manipulation, hinting, and suffering.

You can generally spot a passive person a mile away. I've heard multiple interviews with prison inmates who in describing their vulnerable targets they describe passive behaviors:
* Poor or averting eye contact
* Slumped and pulled-into-yourself posture
* Protective stance, appears compliant and hesitant
* Pouting, crying
* Beat around the bush conversationally
* Fidgety, playing with face, hair, earrings, neck-tie
* Head down
* Tentative, soft, small voice, poor projection
* Hedge phrases (“sort of,” “maybe”)
* “Silent words” (deep sighs, banging pots and pans)
* Tag phrases (following a statement with, “don’t you think?”)
* Indirect communication; hint about what you want/need

Passive people are often overly concerned with what others think about them. They’re excessively apologetic, need be liked so try to please others.

To be taken seriously passive people must start by taking themselves seriously. Whichever beliefs that block them from doing this can be identified and challenged by using the “repetitive why technique,” covered in last week’s column.

In the next two weeks we’ll cover the aggressive position followed by assertive skills anyone can use.


Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of Inter Action Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.