Be assertive with those who talk behind your back
Be honest, appropriate and direct in dialogue
Stress for Success
November 18, 2008


What would you do if a co-worker insulted your work behind your back? If you’re mostly passive you’d probably complain to an ally and say nothing directly to the back-stabber. If aggressive you’d likely get in that person’s face and confront him about it. Neither of these approaches typically works well and both strain the relationship.

How would an assertive person handle something like this?

Two hallmarks of assertive communication are being:
* direct; not blunt, but respectfully direct
* goal-oriented; before charging in to directly confront him she’d first figure out her goal. Is it to request that he speak directly to her? Is it to defend herself from his insults? Knowing her positive goal facilitates being direct in her communication.

Let’s say her goal is to hear directly from him about his problem with her work so if something does need to change they can discuss it and come to an agreement about it.

To assertively address this she could use the “Feedback Statement,” an excellent technique I learned from the groundbreaking assertiveness book, “Your Perfect Right” by Emmons and Albertti. It helps you say almost anything to almost anyone. Its approach honors the definition of assertiveness: standing up for yourself in a way that respects the rights of others; being direct, honest and appropriate in expressing your feelings and opinions.

It has three steps:
1. Describe the situation you’re referring to (without judging or labeling it)
2. Say how you feel about it (optional)
3. Say what you’d like to see done about the situation, the problem solving step.

She could say to him:
Jon, I understand that you have a problem with my work on the XYZ project (step one.) I’d appreciate hearing directly from you about what you’d like to see different so we could decide which changes, if any, need to be made (step three.)

To be effective she’d also need to assert herself nonverbally. After all, it’s not what you say but how you say it that’s important. Here are some assertive nonverbal communication habits that would enhance her credibility.
* Direct and appropriate eye contact
* Congruency between words and nonverbal behavior
* Confident stance: shoulders back, chest out, head up
* Hands in powerful position: in pockets, down by sides, held together behind back or in front
* Even vocal tones
* “I” language, e.g., “I think this is unfair,” vs. “You’re unfair,” a “you” message
* Goal-oriented words
* Direct questions and answers
* Excellent use of listening skills

She’d further assert herself by:
* asking directly for what she wants (her goal)
* being tactful and honest
* having concern for others’ feelings but not ruled by them
* believing strongly in personal responsibility -- she’s not responsible for him nor is he responsible for her
* being willing to nip problems in the bud and positively confront others and negotiate fairly with them

Next week I’ll share other great techniques that can help you assert yourself more effectively.


Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of Inter Action Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization