Challenge unassertive beliefs
Stress for Success
October 28, 2008


Being assertive lowers your stress partly because it enhances your self-esteem, especially within your most important relationships. If it’s sometimes difficult for you to act assertively, it’s because you have inhibiting beliefs. Uncover and challenge them and you’re more likely to successfully assert yourself.

Human behavior is driven by corresponding beliefs. For example, if I’m your supervisor and believe that people cannot be trusted, I’ll probably exhibit micromanaging behavior. The same goes for behaving assertively; assertive beliefs drive that behavior

No one is truly assertive all of the time. At times you may act aggressively or passively. No matter what your behavior, it's driven by your matching beliefs, such as:

Passive beliefs drive passive behavior:
* I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
* I shouldn’t be bossy.
* It’s rude to say “no.”
* I shouldn’t disagree with authority figures.
* You’re more important than I.

Aggressive beliefs:
* I’m the boss!
* It’s my way or the highway.
* I’m more important than you.
* I know more.
* It’s important to win!

Assertive beliefs:
* I respect and value everyone.
* I work for inclusion, open communication and creative problem-solving.
* Everyone’s rights are as important to them as mine are to me.
* It’s better to set appropriate limits than to mislead people.
* I’m not responsible for others’ emotions.

To respond more assertively to challenging situations identify your underlying, hindering beliefs using "the repetitive why technique." Here’s how it works:
* Ask “why” you did something; then ask “why” again for each successive answer.
* E.g., I just agreed to do something by 3:00 but know I can’t get it done.
o Why did I just agree to do it when I know I don’t have the time?
ü Because he always helps me out.
o Why must I always repay someone even when I know I don’t have the time?
ü Because it wouldn't be nice not to.
o Why wouldn’t being honest be nice?
ü Because it might hurt his feelings.

In this example, the underlying beliefs of saying no isn’t nice and it may hurt someone's feelings are the beliefs that must be challenged.

One way to challenge them is to speak directly to the person about my fears and perhaps he'd dissuade me of them. Another way is to convince myself that if I promise to do something I know I can't deliver it’ll make me look bad and put him into a worse situation than had I been honest from the beginning.

To change repeatedly challenge your largely irrational beliefs with more rational ones. After each time you wanted to respond assertively but didn’t, identify the blocking beliefs and challenge them. Little by little you’ll loosen the grip of your unassertive beliefs. When you discover that the world doesn’t fall apart after you’ve asserted yourself you’ll develop more courage to stand up for yourself more frequently as time goes on. It’s such a freeing and powerful feeling and so worth the risks!


Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of Inter Action Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.