Follow the advice in these quotes to manage conflicts better
Stress for Success
October 30, 2007


Often times in my presentations I use pithy quotes to make important points regarding my subject matter. Last week I wrote about two of my favorite ones that communicate great advice for managing conflicts:
۰ “I train people how to treat me.” -- Source Unknown
۰ "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten." -- Dr. Susan Jeffers
These shed light on how we’re responsible to some degree for the outcome in all of our conflicts. Can you see that your reaction in a dispute trains the other person to expect you to behave similarly in the future? For example, if someone comes to you frequently to dump out her heart, isn’t your listening teaching her to come and talk to you again?

If you want to teach her to come to you less often respond differently; if you always listen she’ll always expect you to.

The Bible verse, "Judge not lest ye be judged" also applies to most conflicts since it’s so typical to negatively judge someone with whom you’re having a conflict. Negative judgments are mostly adjectives that describe the person, such as, dependent, arrogant, lazy, good for nothing, etc.

In the above example, when your colleague comes to confide in you for the umpteenth time, you hear yourself think, “Oh not her again! If I hear one more complaint I’m going to scream!” Even though there’s no literal judgment included in this self-talk, it implies one.

No one likes to be judged. Even if you never speak your judgments out loud they leak through your nonverbal communication. When your supplicant approaches you to talk to you again she’ll probably sense something negative coming from you (although some people will be oblivious). If she perceives herself being judged she’ll likely get defensive and resistant.

Rather than the judgmental rolling of your eyes, it would be better for both of you if you’d assertively set limits regarding how frequently, for how long, or if at all, you’re willing to listen to her.

One more quote that’s helpful in dealing with conflicts is, "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem." -- Eldridge Cleaver. If you’re unhappy with the outcome of a situation and you're unwilling to change anything that you’re doing then you’re part of the problem. If she continues to waste your time with her problems and you keep listening, you’re complicit in this undesirable outcome. Put the ball into her court by changing what you’re doing. Train her to treat you differently. She’ll almost have to respond differently in answer to your change. Keep changing until you either run out of options or you get better results.

Take responsibility for what you contribute to every outcome you experience. Instead of judging how the other person is wrong, focus on your own behavior and ask how it influences the outcome. Then, if you’re not satisfied with how the situation is turning out, do something different!
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.