Changing dance steps may bring different outcome
Stress for Success
October 23, 2007

"I train people how to treat me." (Source unknown)

Think about this in reference to a conflict you're having. It’s so easy to blame the other person, which conveniently allows you to ignore your own complicity. What are you doing to influence the outcome in your conflict?

For example, wives often complain that their husbands aren’t doing enough housework. The tasks, however, somehow seem to get done, but by whom? By her, probably. If so, she’s training him not to do anything because she will.

Harriet Lerner, the author of “The Dance of Anger” likens interpersonal behaviors to a dance. You teach each other your dance steps that eventually become the pattern of your relationship. To change your relationship change your dance steps which, invariably forces the other person to change back to you. It doesn’t always bring the outcome you want so you may have to change your dance steps again and again.

If you want him to do more housework, stop doing it all yourself. Train him not to expect you to do everything. Put the ball into his court by negotiating a fairer deal or by announcing what you will and won’t do, then let him decide how to respond.

Ultimately, if he never shares the work no matter what you do, you have a decision to make. A TV marriage counselor asked a wife who was complaining about this very issue with her husband, “Is this a divorceable issue?” The wife answered, “No, of course not.” The therapist said, “Then let it go. Stop trying to change him.”

Not fair, you say? Perhaps, but you still have choices. If you continue doing everything you’ll have taught him you’ll change your dance step a few times but if he holds out long enough, you’ll cave.

All I know is that "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten," (from the book "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" by Dr. Susan Jeffers). This is the bottom line rule in dealing with conflicts: change what you’re doing if you want a different outcome.

Like with coworkers who constantly ask you to help them with software problems you’re training them to ask you when you comply. If you keep fixing they'll keep requesting. Ask yourself, “What are my options?” To get a different outcome do something different.

Since you’ve trained them to come to you it only seems fair that you give some warning before you stop helping them. You could say, "I know I've fixed your computer problems in the past, but I really don’t have the time to help, so I’ll help you one more time, then you’re on your own."

Why should anyone change when they’re happy with the way things are? Whoever isn’t happy is the one who needs to adjust. Since waiting for others to change proves to be a very long wait, figure out what outcome you want and which dance steps would most likely lead you there. Then start dancing your new step.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.