Conflicts can lead to stressful power struggles
Stress for Success
October 16, 2007

Too often we assume in conflicts that only one party can get his or her way. If you get what you want then that must mean I won’t get what I want; the infamous win-lose formula, which leads to power struggles and stress.

Conflicts tend to escalate when participants fight for what they want, for what’s called their “positions”. To de-escalate it would be better to focus on their “interests,” which expose additional options not seen from a position-only-focus.

Your position in a conflict is what you want. Your interests are why you want what you want. Here’s a simple example.
۰ You and your spouse are discussing what you’ll do on Friday night. You want to go to the beach and he wants to go out dancing. If you’re stuck in a power struggle you’ll both probably fight to get your way; if the other seems to be “winning” you’ll fight harder.

Instead, ask why each of you wants what you want.
۰ Why do you want to go to the beach? “To spend a quiet and relaxing evening, just the two of us,” you say.
۰ Why does he want to go dancing? He wants exercise.

Are there other things you could do that would be relaxing for you and provide exercise for him? (Keep it clean.) You could dance on the beach, go to a beach restaurant at sunset and dance, walk the beach, or you could dance at home. You get the picture.

Here’s a more typical and complicated conflict example. Two colleagues are working on the same project. Kim tells Don she has to move up the deadline, which Don says he can’t meet. Each party’s position; what each wants:
۰ Kim wants to move up the deadline
۰ Don wants to leave it as is

Each person’s interests are identified by asking why each wants what they want:
۰ Kim wants to move the project to the next level before her vacation, for which she already has reservations
۰ Don needs the time as originally planned to do a thorough job and besides coaching his son’s soccer team takes up his extra time

Do their interests suggest ideas that could resolve this conflict?

To satisfy Kim’s desire to move the project to the next level before her vacation could they put more time into the project before she leaves? This would allow her to feel comfortable with their original deadline. If necessary, she could help him with his other deadlines to free up his time to accommodate this temporary, extra workload. She could enjoy her vacation knowing that he continues to work on their project in her absence doing his desired, thorough job. Upon her return they could finish up the project and meet their original deadline.

For this idea to work, a solution must be more important than winning. If winning is more important to them then they could take off their gloves and go for it. And may the better fighter win.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.