Follow the advice in these quotes to manage conflicts better
Stress for Success
October 30, 2007
Often times in my presentations I use pithy quotes to make important points regarding my subject matter. Last week I wrote about two of my favorite ones that communicate great advice for managing conflicts:
۰ “I train people how to treat me.” -- Source Unknown
۰ "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten." -- Dr. Susan Jeffers
These shed light on how we’re responsible to some degree for the outcome in all of our conflicts. Can you see that your reaction in a dispute trains the other person to expect you to behave similarly in the future? For example, if someone comes to you frequently to dump out her heart, isn’t your listening teaching her to come and talk to you again?
If you want to teach her to come to you less often respond differently; if you always listen she’ll always expect you to.
The Bible verse, "Judge not lest ye be judged" also applies to most conflicts since it’s so typical to negatively judge someone with whom you’re having a conflict. Negative judgments are mostly adjectives that describe the person, such as, dependent, arrogant, lazy, good for nothing, etc.
In the above example, when your colleague comes to confide in you for the umpteenth time, you hear yourself think, “Oh not her again! If I hear one more complaint I’m going to scream!” Even though there’s no literal judgment included in this self-talk, it implies one.
No one likes to be judged. Even if you never speak your judgments out loud they leak through your nonverbal communication. When your supplicant approaches you to talk to you again she’ll probably sense something negative coming from you (although some people will be oblivious). If she perceives herself being judged she’ll likely get defensive and resistant.
Rather than the judgmental rolling of your eyes, it would be better for both of you if you’d assertively set limits regarding how frequently, for how long, or if at all, you’re willing to listen to her.
One more quote that’s helpful in dealing with conflicts is, "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem." -- Eldridge Cleaver. If you’re unhappy with the outcome of a situation and you're unwilling to change anything that you’re doing then you’re part of the problem. If she continues to waste your time with her problems and you keep listening, you’re complicit in this undesirable outcome. Put the ball into her court by changing what you’re doing. Train her to treat you differently. She’ll almost have to respond differently in answer to your change. Keep changing until you either run out of options or you get better results.
Take responsibility for what you contribute to every outcome you experience. Instead of judging how the other person is wrong, focus on your own behavior and ask how it influences the outcome. Then, if you’re not satisfied with how the situation is turning out, do something different!
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Changing dance steps may bring different outcome
Stress for Success
October 23, 2007
"I train people how to treat me." (Source unknown)
Think about this in reference to a conflict you're having. It’s so easy to blame the other person, which conveniently allows you to ignore your own complicity. What are you doing to influence the outcome in your conflict?
For example, wives often complain that their husbands aren’t doing enough housework. The tasks, however, somehow seem to get done, but by whom? By her, probably. If so, she’s training him not to do anything because she will.
Harriet Lerner, the author of “The Dance of Anger” likens interpersonal behaviors to a dance. You teach each other your dance steps that eventually become the pattern of your relationship. To change your relationship change your dance steps which, invariably forces the other person to change back to you. It doesn’t always bring the outcome you want so you may have to change your dance steps again and again.
If you want him to do more housework, stop doing it all yourself. Train him not to expect you to do everything. Put the ball into his court by negotiating a fairer deal or by announcing what you will and won’t do, then let him decide how to respond.
Ultimately, if he never shares the work no matter what you do, you have a decision to make. A TV marriage counselor asked a wife who was complaining about this very issue with her husband, “Is this a divorceable issue?” The wife answered, “No, of course not.” The therapist said, “Then let it go. Stop trying to change him.”
Not fair, you say? Perhaps, but you still have choices. If you continue doing everything you’ll have taught him you’ll change your dance step a few times but if he holds out long enough, you’ll cave.
All I know is that "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten," (from the book "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" by Dr. Susan Jeffers). This is the bottom line rule in dealing with conflicts: change what you’re doing if you want a different outcome.
Like with coworkers who constantly ask you to help them with software problems you’re training them to ask you when you comply. If you keep fixing they'll keep requesting. Ask yourself, “What are my options?” To get a different outcome do something different.
Since you’ve trained them to come to you it only seems fair that you give some warning before you stop helping them. You could say, "I know I've fixed your computer problems in the past, but I really don’t have the time to help, so I’ll help you one more time, then you’re on your own."
Why should anyone change when they’re happy with the way things are? Whoever isn’t happy is the one who needs to adjust. Since waiting for others to change proves to be a very long wait, figure out what outcome you want and which dance steps would most likely lead you there. Then start dancing your new step.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
October 23, 2007
"I train people how to treat me." (Source unknown)
Think about this in reference to a conflict you're having. It’s so easy to blame the other person, which conveniently allows you to ignore your own complicity. What are you doing to influence the outcome in your conflict?
For example, wives often complain that their husbands aren’t doing enough housework. The tasks, however, somehow seem to get done, but by whom? By her, probably. If so, she’s training him not to do anything because she will.
Harriet Lerner, the author of “The Dance of Anger” likens interpersonal behaviors to a dance. You teach each other your dance steps that eventually become the pattern of your relationship. To change your relationship change your dance steps which, invariably forces the other person to change back to you. It doesn’t always bring the outcome you want so you may have to change your dance steps again and again.
If you want him to do more housework, stop doing it all yourself. Train him not to expect you to do everything. Put the ball into his court by negotiating a fairer deal or by announcing what you will and won’t do, then let him decide how to respond.
Ultimately, if he never shares the work no matter what you do, you have a decision to make. A TV marriage counselor asked a wife who was complaining about this very issue with her husband, “Is this a divorceable issue?” The wife answered, “No, of course not.” The therapist said, “Then let it go. Stop trying to change him.”
Not fair, you say? Perhaps, but you still have choices. If you continue doing everything you’ll have taught him you’ll change your dance step a few times but if he holds out long enough, you’ll cave.
All I know is that "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten," (from the book "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" by Dr. Susan Jeffers). This is the bottom line rule in dealing with conflicts: change what you’re doing if you want a different outcome.
Like with coworkers who constantly ask you to help them with software problems you’re training them to ask you when you comply. If you keep fixing they'll keep requesting. Ask yourself, “What are my options?” To get a different outcome do something different.
Since you’ve trained them to come to you it only seems fair that you give some warning before you stop helping them. You could say, "I know I've fixed your computer problems in the past, but I really don’t have the time to help, so I’ll help you one more time, then you’re on your own."
Why should anyone change when they’re happy with the way things are? Whoever isn’t happy is the one who needs to adjust. Since waiting for others to change proves to be a very long wait, figure out what outcome you want and which dance steps would most likely lead you there. Then start dancing your new step.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Conflicts can lead to stressful power struggles
Stress for Success
October 16, 2007
Too often we assume in conflicts that only one party can get his or her way. If you get what you want then that must mean I won’t get what I want; the infamous win-lose formula, which leads to power struggles and stress.
Conflicts tend to escalate when participants fight for what they want, for what’s called their “positions”. To de-escalate it would be better to focus on their “interests,” which expose additional options not seen from a position-only-focus.
Your position in a conflict is what you want. Your interests are why you want what you want. Here’s a simple example.
۰ You and your spouse are discussing what you’ll do on Friday night. You want to go to the beach and he wants to go out dancing. If you’re stuck in a power struggle you’ll both probably fight to get your way; if the other seems to be “winning” you’ll fight harder.
Instead, ask why each of you wants what you want.
۰ Why do you want to go to the beach? “To spend a quiet and relaxing evening, just the two of us,” you say.
۰ Why does he want to go dancing? He wants exercise.
Are there other things you could do that would be relaxing for you and provide exercise for him? (Keep it clean.) You could dance on the beach, go to a beach restaurant at sunset and dance, walk the beach, or you could dance at home. You get the picture.
Here’s a more typical and complicated conflict example. Two colleagues are working on the same project. Kim tells Don she has to move up the deadline, which Don says he can’t meet. Each party’s position; what each wants:
۰ Kim wants to move up the deadline
۰ Don wants to leave it as is
Each person’s interests are identified by asking why each wants what they want:
۰ Kim wants to move the project to the next level before her vacation, for which she already has reservations
۰ Don needs the time as originally planned to do a thorough job and besides coaching his son’s soccer team takes up his extra time
Do their interests suggest ideas that could resolve this conflict?
To satisfy Kim’s desire to move the project to the next level before her vacation could they put more time into the project before she leaves? This would allow her to feel comfortable with their original deadline. If necessary, she could help him with his other deadlines to free up his time to accommodate this temporary, extra workload. She could enjoy her vacation knowing that he continues to work on their project in her absence doing his desired, thorough job. Upon her return they could finish up the project and meet their original deadline.
For this idea to work, a solution must be more important than winning. If winning is more important to them then they could take off their gloves and go for it. And may the better fighter win.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
October 16, 2007
Too often we assume in conflicts that only one party can get his or her way. If you get what you want then that must mean I won’t get what I want; the infamous win-lose formula, which leads to power struggles and stress.
Conflicts tend to escalate when participants fight for what they want, for what’s called their “positions”. To de-escalate it would be better to focus on their “interests,” which expose additional options not seen from a position-only-focus.
Your position in a conflict is what you want. Your interests are why you want what you want. Here’s a simple example.
۰ You and your spouse are discussing what you’ll do on Friday night. You want to go to the beach and he wants to go out dancing. If you’re stuck in a power struggle you’ll both probably fight to get your way; if the other seems to be “winning” you’ll fight harder.
Instead, ask why each of you wants what you want.
۰ Why do you want to go to the beach? “To spend a quiet and relaxing evening, just the two of us,” you say.
۰ Why does he want to go dancing? He wants exercise.
Are there other things you could do that would be relaxing for you and provide exercise for him? (Keep it clean.) You could dance on the beach, go to a beach restaurant at sunset and dance, walk the beach, or you could dance at home. You get the picture.
Here’s a more typical and complicated conflict example. Two colleagues are working on the same project. Kim tells Don she has to move up the deadline, which Don says he can’t meet. Each party’s position; what each wants:
۰ Kim wants to move up the deadline
۰ Don wants to leave it as is
Each person’s interests are identified by asking why each wants what they want:
۰ Kim wants to move the project to the next level before her vacation, for which she already has reservations
۰ Don needs the time as originally planned to do a thorough job and besides coaching his son’s soccer team takes up his extra time
Do their interests suggest ideas that could resolve this conflict?
To satisfy Kim’s desire to move the project to the next level before her vacation could they put more time into the project before she leaves? This would allow her to feel comfortable with their original deadline. If necessary, she could help him with his other deadlines to free up his time to accommodate this temporary, extra workload. She could enjoy her vacation knowing that he continues to work on their project in her absence doing his desired, thorough job. Upon her return they could finish up the project and meet their original deadline.
For this idea to work, a solution must be more important than winning. If winning is more important to them then they could take off their gloves and go for it. And may the better fighter win.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Balance life between today, pursuit of goals
Stress for Success
October 9, 2007
Balance: a state of equilibrium, equal distribution of weight, amount, etc. Seeking balance in your life is a cornerstone of stress management; such as don’t under- or over-exercise, if you’re too passive you’d be wise to become more assertive, etc.
Recently I’ve addressed an excellent book, “Finding Flow” by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, where the author encourages you to live your life by setting and working toward goals that stretch your skills. Following his advice can create a life of greater meaning and happiness. Creating “flow” activities also discourages your mind from ruminating on the negative.
But some people take this to the extreme, putting far too much energy into pursuing goals leading to a state of imbalance, focusing continually on the future while missing much of today. Like the hard-driving “successful” person who rides right into a beautiful sunset without even noticing it. Being goal-oriented is great but not to the exclusion of the here and now.
Others would say focusing on future goals is largely a waste of time because as Buddhism believes one’s reality is in the present moment; the here and now. To practitioners, focusing on the future means missing reality. Besides, working so tirelessly on goal attainment often doesn't bring you the satisfaction you’d hoped for anyway. Another benefit of living in the moment is that it facilitates mental and emotional balance because it means giving up your worries about the future and your regrets about the past.
But focusing exclusively on the here and now may not prepare you for the future.
The reality of living in our economic society, for example, requires knowing where your next paycheck is coming from to pay bills and that requires at least some level of planning for the future.
This is where balance comes in. Over-focusing on tomorrow means missing today; ask any parent who has over-focused on a career and missed out on kids growing up.
Whereas over-focusing on today may find someone in love with the spontaneous but forgetting important work deadlines or other commitments.
The trick is to seek balance. The more an imbalance pushes down one side of the scale the more you need to rectify it by doing something very unlike the cause to create a better equilibrium. Then watch your symptoms of imbalance begin to dissipate.
For example, you high-speeders racing into the future might want to balance your goal-focused tendencies by increasing your mindfulness of things you do daily like eating meals slowly and focusing your attention on the flavors, textures, and sensations of the food. Regular meditation would be great for you.
Or if you tend to mostly live in the moment scraping together your rent money, prepare a budget and figure out where your necessary income will come from. Set goals of how to adjust your income and expenses.
Balancing how much you focus on the present and the future allows you to enjoy the opportunities of the moment as well as plan for and secure your future.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
October 9, 2007
Balance: a state of equilibrium, equal distribution of weight, amount, etc. Seeking balance in your life is a cornerstone of stress management; such as don’t under- or over-exercise, if you’re too passive you’d be wise to become more assertive, etc.
Recently I’ve addressed an excellent book, “Finding Flow” by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, where the author encourages you to live your life by setting and working toward goals that stretch your skills. Following his advice can create a life of greater meaning and happiness. Creating “flow” activities also discourages your mind from ruminating on the negative.
But some people take this to the extreme, putting far too much energy into pursuing goals leading to a state of imbalance, focusing continually on the future while missing much of today. Like the hard-driving “successful” person who rides right into a beautiful sunset without even noticing it. Being goal-oriented is great but not to the exclusion of the here and now.
Others would say focusing on future goals is largely a waste of time because as Buddhism believes one’s reality is in the present moment; the here and now. To practitioners, focusing on the future means missing reality. Besides, working so tirelessly on goal attainment often doesn't bring you the satisfaction you’d hoped for anyway. Another benefit of living in the moment is that it facilitates mental and emotional balance because it means giving up your worries about the future and your regrets about the past.
But focusing exclusively on the here and now may not prepare you for the future.
The reality of living in our economic society, for example, requires knowing where your next paycheck is coming from to pay bills and that requires at least some level of planning for the future.
This is where balance comes in. Over-focusing on tomorrow means missing today; ask any parent who has over-focused on a career and missed out on kids growing up.
Whereas over-focusing on today may find someone in love with the spontaneous but forgetting important work deadlines or other commitments.
The trick is to seek balance. The more an imbalance pushes down one side of the scale the more you need to rectify it by doing something very unlike the cause to create a better equilibrium. Then watch your symptoms of imbalance begin to dissipate.
For example, you high-speeders racing into the future might want to balance your goal-focused tendencies by increasing your mindfulness of things you do daily like eating meals slowly and focusing your attention on the flavors, textures, and sensations of the food. Regular meditation would be great for you.
Or if you tend to mostly live in the moment scraping together your rent money, prepare a budget and figure out where your necessary income will come from. Set goals of how to adjust your income and expenses.
Balancing how much you focus on the present and the future allows you to enjoy the opportunities of the moment as well as plan for and secure your future.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Monday, October 01, 2007
Flow activities can help decrease negative thinking and feeling
Stress for Success
October 2, 2007
When you’re not actively focusing on something do your thoughts easily drift to what’s wrong in your life? Shad Helmstetter, author of “What to Say When You Talk to Yourself”, reports that the average person experiences 80% negative self-talk! Now that’s stress!
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, author of "Finding Flow", says that when your attention isn’t focused on goals your mind wanders and settles on the negative. This leads to distracting yourself through passive leisure activities like TV, drugs, etc.
Operating in flow prohibits distracting thoughts and negative feelings because your attention is so focused on accomplishing something. Minor aches and pains also drift to the background of your awareness.
Csikscentimihalyi says to create goals on which to focus. “… goals shape and determine the kind of person you become. Without them it's difficult to develop a coherent self.”
To balance your moods, strive for "flow" through clearly defined goals that require stretching your skills to overcome a challenge that’s almost manageable; not too easy nor difficult. When in flow you're motivated and focused on the activity which becomes effortless, even when the goal is difficult to achieve. You can lose track of time. To be in flow also requires that you receive valid and immediate feedback on how well you're doing. So in dealing with an upset customer your feedback is how quickly (or not!) he calms down.
Don’t assume that leisure produces most of your flow experiences; especially if you spend your leisure time passively, without goals and without stretching your skills. This only fuels stressful thinking.
As I stated last week, Csikszentmihalyi has found that most of our flow comes from work. Some jobs don’t offer much opportunity for flow, however, because:
· the work is meaningless
· it provides no variety or challenge
· it's too stressful especially when there’s many interpersonal problems
To create more flow on the job your challenge is to put more meaning into your work. Don’t wait for your boss to do it for you. Figure it out yourself:
· Add value to any task by knowing how it impacts the entire operation. E.g., Filing paperwork seems meaningless unless you understand that it facilitates your coworkers’ quick access to information so they can improve customer service.
· Accept that the way things are being done is not necessarily the only way. Look for new and better ways to improve the outcome.
· Match your skills to each challenge. For example, a toll booth worker decided to make her job more interesting and challenging by setting a goal to get 25% of her customers to smile at her as they tossed their money at her. After she achieved that, she increased her goal to 50%. When this no longer motivated her she’d look for other ways to improve.
So take charge of your moods and thoughts by focusing on your task at hand, whether pleasant or unpleasant, leisure or professional. Set and achieve goals that challenge your skills and notice your unpleasant moods start to fade.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
October 2, 2007
When you’re not actively focusing on something do your thoughts easily drift to what’s wrong in your life? Shad Helmstetter, author of “What to Say When You Talk to Yourself”, reports that the average person experiences 80% negative self-talk! Now that’s stress!
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, author of "Finding Flow", says that when your attention isn’t focused on goals your mind wanders and settles on the negative. This leads to distracting yourself through passive leisure activities like TV, drugs, etc.
Operating in flow prohibits distracting thoughts and negative feelings because your attention is so focused on accomplishing something. Minor aches and pains also drift to the background of your awareness.
Csikscentimihalyi says to create goals on which to focus. “… goals shape and determine the kind of person you become. Without them it's difficult to develop a coherent self.”
To balance your moods, strive for "flow" through clearly defined goals that require stretching your skills to overcome a challenge that’s almost manageable; not too easy nor difficult. When in flow you're motivated and focused on the activity which becomes effortless, even when the goal is difficult to achieve. You can lose track of time. To be in flow also requires that you receive valid and immediate feedback on how well you're doing. So in dealing with an upset customer your feedback is how quickly (or not!) he calms down.
Don’t assume that leisure produces most of your flow experiences; especially if you spend your leisure time passively, without goals and without stretching your skills. This only fuels stressful thinking.
As I stated last week, Csikszentmihalyi has found that most of our flow comes from work. Some jobs don’t offer much opportunity for flow, however, because:
· the work is meaningless
· it provides no variety or challenge
· it's too stressful especially when there’s many interpersonal problems
To create more flow on the job your challenge is to put more meaning into your work. Don’t wait for your boss to do it for you. Figure it out yourself:
· Add value to any task by knowing how it impacts the entire operation. E.g., Filing paperwork seems meaningless unless you understand that it facilitates your coworkers’ quick access to information so they can improve customer service.
· Accept that the way things are being done is not necessarily the only way. Look for new and better ways to improve the outcome.
· Match your skills to each challenge. For example, a toll booth worker decided to make her job more interesting and challenging by setting a goal to get 25% of her customers to smile at her as they tossed their money at her. After she achieved that, she increased her goal to 50%. When this no longer motivated her she’d look for other ways to improve.
So take charge of your moods and thoughts by focusing on your task at hand, whether pleasant or unpleasant, leisure or professional. Set and achieve goals that challenge your skills and notice your unpleasant moods start to fade.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
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