Healthy relationships require honesty
Stress for Success
May 30, 2006

Your boss has a habit of wrapping criticisms of you into compliments. "You did a great job on that report. The grammatical errors made it seem folksy."

What do you do? Do you let it slide? Do you get defensive and snap back? Or do you state clearly and honestly your reaction to it?

Each and every day we make decisions about whether or not to be honest with others. Usually, being candid is very important to the health of relationships, although complete honesty may be harmful -- you don't have to tell someone he’s packing on a few pounds, for instance.

There are many benefits to honest relationships including attracting more trustworthy, open and supportive people according to Julian Rotter of the University of Connecticut. Less candid people tend to attract disloyal, unreliable, and evasive people.

So, if honesty in relationships is so healthy why don't we always tell the truth? Here are typical reasons people give:

• To avoid hurt feelings
• To not upset someone
• To make yourself look better
• It’s not worth your energy
• It would be embarrassing

Only you can decide whether or not to be honest with someone. When hesitant to speak the truth, ask yourself three questions to put the consequences of your honesty into perspective:

• What’s the worst that can happen?
• The best?
• The most likely?

In my example the worst might be that my boss fires me. The best might be that he’d be more direct with me. The most likely could be that he’d say he didn't know what I meant but might be less likely to disguise his criticisms in the future.

When someone’s treating you in an unacceptable fashion it's usually worth your effort to be frank. Think of this quote, "I train people how to treat me." Source unknown. In other words, you're partly responsible for the treatment you’re receiving. In the example above by allowing his putdowns you’ve trained him that it's OK to insult you in this passive-aggressive way.

The good news is you can train people to treat you differently, but you have to do something different. Consider being honest with him.

Use a great assertive technique, the Feedback Statement, which helps you say almost anything to almost anybody more effectively. It gets you to think before you speak in a problem-solving way. It has three steps:

1. Describe the situation you’re referring to
2. Say how you feel about it (if you want)
3. Say what you'd like to see done about it

"When you make comments like that I feel confused because it seems like you're actually criticizing me. I’d appreciate it if you’d tell me directly what you want me to change in my work."

If your boss has been criticizing this way for some time you’ll need to say something to him multiple times before he becomes more direct with you. And let's face it, some people will never change no matter how often you sincerely request the change.

Here are two additional thoughts to help you develop more honest relationships:

• Consciously identify your positive desired outcome before saying anything. In the above example, your goal is to ask your boss to be more straightforward. If you would’ve said, "You're insulting me when you say things like that", your goal may have been to make your boss look bad.
• Approach the person out of love versus fear. Not that you love your boss necessarily but differentiate between assuming the best of someone versus reacting defensively out of fear. Giving him the benefit of the doubt helps you communicate non-defensively, which generally means your message will be better received.

No one is honest in their relationships all of the time. You need to weigh the consequences of saying nothing against the most likely outcome of speaking up. To create healthier relationships it's in your best interest to be truthful far more often than not.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach in Lee County. Her mission is to inspire people to live a conscious life of personal responsibility in relations with themselves, with others and with the environment. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.