Domestic violence from the victim’s point of view
Stress for Success
December 6, 2011


October was Awareness Month for both Breast Cancer and Domestic Violence (DV). Since it’s difficult to be noticed while competing with breast cancer awareness I’m focusing on domestic violence this month.

To increase understanding of DV I’ve enlisted the help of Abuse Counseling and Treatment (ACT) community educator Christine Kobie.

During stressful times, family arguments over such issues as housework, finances, parenting styles, or sex tend to increase. How each person handles their issues determines whether the conflicts become opportunities to strengthen their relationship or become a matter of power and control. Quarrels accompanied by alcohol and drugs can escalate violence. A relationship becomes unhealthy when jealousy, money, coercion, insults, threats, manipulation or physical violence are used to win arguments or to control the other person.

Those affected by domestic violence go into a survival mode, which creates an overall stress consuming their entire being. Physical signs of stress can include changes in eating patterns, body aches, fatigue, headaches, and of course pain from actual physical abuse. Emotional and psychological effects may include feelings of numbness, isolation, depression, confusion, and constant fear, while being hyper-alert.

Societal opinions and ignorance regarding abusive relationship dynamics often blame the victim creating a fear of judgment from loved ones. One client reported feeling as if everyone knew her secret; her neighbors, friends, family and co-workers. Victims often isolate themselves for fear of someone getting close and finding out the truth of what is going on in the home. When there’s noticeable evidence of violence the victim invents believable excuses for those around her.

Victims of DV can become paralyzed by their fears and worries over increased violence, keeping the peace, the effects on the kids, saving enough money to move to a safe place, and finding the strength to keep trying. It’s common that children are used as pawns in a game through threats to take them away.

Domestic violence also impacts employers when an employee misses work due to an injury. Some abusive partners also create problems by repeatedly calling the workplace, showing up and causing a disruption or by not allowing the employee to leave for work, forcing her to be late or to miss work. The victim is usually in a constant state of fear of losing her job; getting fired means financial dependence giving the abusive partner even more control.

The stress of living with family violence can be alleviated through:
· Counseling: many clients find common ground with others in their session. ACT provides counseling, helps create safety plans and offers emergency shelter for victims, their children and pets. The 24-hour hotline is (239) 939-3112.
· Daily journaling, reading, warm baths and walks outside help clear the mind and relax the body.

Christine Kobie, international speaker and ACT public educator, teaches healthy parenting and violence prevention throughout Lee County to parents and in schools, medical settings, and detention centers. Christine has appeared on many local and national radio and talk shows. Schedule a presentation or request more information by emailing her at ckobie@actabuse.com.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.