There’s an important difference between judgments, behaviors
Stress for Success
July 7, 2009

Often in interpersonal conflicts we forget that it takes two to tango. We’re so focused on what the other person’s doing “wrong” and what they “should” be doing instead that we lose sight of what we add to the situation, eroding personal responsibility.

For example, in a common workplace conflict an employee with no kids thinks it’s unfair when she’s expected to take on more after-hour responsibilities to free up her parent co-workers with childcare responsibilities. One complained to me about a colleague, “She’s so selfish. It never occurs to her that I’m stuck here until 6:30 while she waltzes out the door at 5:00!”

Her statement makes clear that she’s convinced that her colleague is “causing” her stress. But by labeling her colleague selfish she dodges responsibility for her own role and becomes part of the problem. Negatively judging others is like spreading fertilizer to grow a conflict. And that’s her responsibility.

And does the parent co-worker even perceive a conflict? If not, how can she be expected to alleviate the injustice?

If I could wave a magic wand over everyone on earth, myself included, it would be to avoid the destructiveness and resulting conflict that judging others negatively grows.

You can become much more a part of the solution by replacing your negative judgments of others with the facts of the situation and the behaviors of the party with whom you have a problem.

There’s a huge difference between judgments and facts/behaviors:
* Judgments are interpretations; they’re not necessarily facts, and they vary person to person. They tend to be adjectives describing someone: lazy, inconsiderate, arrogant, etc. You see someone as rude I see the person as enthusiastic. It’s a matter of perspective.
* Facts are facts and consistent person to person. Anyone observing a situation could observe the same facts. Behaviors are factual and can be videotaped. Behaviors are verbs. The person “does” something like talk, interrupt, etc.

In the above example the judgment is that the colleague is “selfish.” But selfish cannot be videotaped since it’s an adjective therefore in the mind of the beholder. What did the person “do” that leads to this judgment? Factually/behaviorally, the co-worker “left at 5:00.”

To lower stress and resolve conflicts more easily our friend would be wise to focus on the facts and her co-worker’s behavior: Tuesday she left at 5:00 and I stayed until 6:30. Period.

To take appropriate responsibility in your conflicts don’t assume your judgments are accurate. Think before you address the situation:
* Identify your negative judgments and commit to letting them go;
* Identify the facts and behaviors of the situation;
* Decide if they’re worth confronting;
* If so, address the person about the facts/behaviors not the judgments;

Defensively judging others and assuming we’re right makes it difficult to focus on the factual. Accurate or not, approaching someone from a judgmental point of view will set up almost sure conflict escalation. At minimum, stay conscious when you judge and accept at least partial responsibility for the outcome it produces.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her new book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple is available at www.jackieferguson.com. Call her at 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.