Stay in the driver’s seat of your life to manage stress
Stress for Success
June 30, 2009

Personal responsibility seems like an old-fashioned notion in our rights-oriented society. But to effectively manage stress and be in the driver’s seat of your life you must hold yourself accountable for your action AND inaction. Mostly, don’t allow others to drive you and don’t drive for others, that’s their job.

Highly responsible people tend to achieve more and feel more in control so are less stressed. They’re proactive in making the life changes they deem important vs. reactive, waiting for someone else to make things better.

The bottom line is that your life, well-being, health and happiness are your responsibility. Blame your parents (and some have pretty darn good reasons), society, or whatever is handy for what’s wrong. Ultimately, however, the buck stops with you for your life.

Two opposite personality types have trouble with this.
1) The victim who believes that what goes wrong is beyond his control and is caused by others who, therefore, must change. Habitual shirking of responsibility puts victims into the most stressed-out position for they don’t see options to improve their lives.

His reasons include, “Society won’t let me succeed.” “My parents set me up to fail.” These statements make clear who’s at fault and it certainly isn’t him!

But here’s the danger. Let’s use the belief, “I never get a fair shake.” This could propel him to avoid taking initiative at work, for example, and then complain that others are treated better. He never sees how his inaction contributes to the outcome.

2) At the opposite end are those who take responsibility for others; the rescuer or the people-fixer.

She (I purposely use “she”) focuses on how others don’t live up to her expectations. She tries desperately to fix her mate and kids; how they dress, talk or handle their lives. She knows the right way to do things and by golly she’s going to “help” them! Invariably the target of her tinkering becomes defensive because the implication is that her target is inferior. Who takes kindly to that?

Both extreme personalities confuse boundaries. The victim waits for you to fix things for him. The fixer thinks she should fix you. It’s no wonder these two opposites often attract one another. They both also “expect” others to change rather than changing themselves to get a different result. The truth, however, is you can only control your choices not others’.

Both need to honor their own boundaries:
* What’s within their control? (Themselves and their choices)
* What’s beyond their control? (Everything else)

Investing your energy into what’s actually within your control makes for healthier choices that more effectively bring about your desired outcomes. If you err on the victim side be more proactive; grab the bull by the horns more often. If you’re a fixer accept others more as they are. If you want a different outcome change something you’re doing versus assuming the other “should” change. To do anything else is a waste of energy and a sure formula for more stress.