Teach your children how to problem-solve
Stress for Success
February 21, 2012


Here’s a stress truism: having no options raises stress; identifying options reduces it. So rather than telling your kids how to handle their stressors teach them how to problem-solve, the fifth component of my Stress Safety Net.

The number one problem-solving skill is asking questions, which usually leads to more questions and eventually to answers and solutions. Teach your children to question their stressors and gradually they’ll learn to identify options themselves.

But many parents respond to their kids’ problems in one of three unproductive ways. Which is your most likely response to your child saying, e.g., she won’t get into the college she wants?
1. Say why she has the problem: “That’s because you don’t study enough.”
2. Immediately offer options: “Apply to more schools.”
3. Solve the problem: “Don’t worry. We’ll get you into that school.”

Instead, teach your kids how to think and problem-solve by teaching them these five steps:
1. Have him describe his problem while you lovingly, supportively, and nonjudgmentally listen – versus interrogate. It’s OK to see the problem differently than he. How he sees it is all that matters for now. If he gets stuck describing his problem, ask the journalist’s questions to explore his perception: who, what, when, where, why.
2. Develop empathy: ask how he felt when his problem occurred. Ask how others involved felt (especially with younger kids who aren’t emotionally sophisticated and with any distraught child.)
3. Brainstorm options: kids often give ideas that are basically the same without going beyond the obvious. For example, a young child may say options in making up with a friend are:
· “Say I’m sorry.”
· “Say I feel bad.”
· “Say I feel sad.”
Encourage him to come up with a variety of different answers.
4. Consequences: For each option have him identify the possible positive and negative consequences.
5. Choose the best option: based on the consequences encourage him to choose the option that best solves his problem.

Let’s use the example of your teenager procrastinating on homework. Invite him to go through these steps to avoid this happening again.

Parent: “What’s going on with your science project?”
Son: “It’s so juvenile.”
Parent: “Too easy, huh?” (Paraphrase)
Son: “Yeah. Mrs. Thompson thinks we’re morons.”
Parent: “So you procrastinate because it’s too easy.” (Paraphrase)
Son: “I guess so.”
Parent: “How do you feel when you procrastinate?”
Son: “Pressured.”
Parent: “How do you think I feel when you procrastinate and expect me to help you at the last minute?
Son: “Irritated?”
Parent: “You got it. What can you do to avoid procrastinating?”
Son: “Do it the first night and get it out of the way.”
Parent: “What else?”
Son: “Get it done during study halls.”

Keep asking, “What else” until he runs out of ideas. Then ask about the negative and
positive consequences of each and have him choose his best option.

Coming to his own conclusions is far better than telling him what to do because it teaches his problem-solving without having to resist you.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her audio program Teaching Kids how to Manage Stress and her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.