Personal responsibility is a must for kids managing stress
Stress for Success
February 28, 2012


Recently I’ve written about creating a Stress Safety Net (SSN) for your kids so they can feel safe, secure and loved (previous articles at http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com.) This builds a foundation from which they can better handle life’s ups and downs. The final component of the SSN is personal responsibility; responsible adults learned accountability in childhood.

To teach this important trait, expect each child to do their share of household chores as a responsibility of living in your family. I started dusting in areas where I could do no damage at age four establishing this requirement that I had household responsibilities, as did everyone else.

Do your kids have regular chores? Do you pay them for it? If so, what does that imply: that any contribution to the family should be compensated? if they don’t want the money they can stop doing the chore?

Consider giving an allowance that’s separate from chores to communicate household work is a responsibility, not a paid job.

To divide household chores, teach responsibility AND reduce arguing, call for a voluntary family meeting. Since it’s voluntary, you may be the only person to show up. Whoever shows up, follow these four steps to divide chores.
1. Brainstorm the following four categories:
a. Tasks that must be done, e.g., pay the bills, and jobs you want done, e.g., vacuuming.
b. Agree on how well each job is to be done. Parents usually have to lower their standards while kids raise theirs. Compromise.
c. Agree by when each chore is to be done, like the dishes are done before bedtime daily.
d. Who will do each chore? Let everyone volunteer for jobs. Divide all the refused chores equitably. If parents are the only ones to show up for the meeting select only your share of tasks and do them and nothing else. If neither of you chose laundry, don’t do it no matter how vociferously your kids complain about not having clean clothes.
2. Color code agreed-upon jobs to each family member on a chart and attach to the refrigerator. This serves as a constant, unconscious reminder of which responsibilities whoever opens the refrigerator committed to do.
3. Agree to another meeting in one to two weeks to discuss how it’s going. During the intervening week or two, do only what you said you’d do, how well, and by when. Also, don’t remind anyone of their agreement. You can compliment someone’s work but no correcting, micro-managing or criticizing it.
4. During the next meeting, review how things went and describe any problems you noticed. Ask for suggestions for improvement. Post any changes to the agreement. Repeat this process until all jobs are being done responsibly and well enough. Decide how often to re-negotiate.

Obviously, if your daughter agreed to feed the dog and isn’t doing it, you’ll need to intervene. But don’t nag or do the job yourself. Tell her since she chooses not to feed the dog you will. However, in response you choose to not do one of your jobs for her.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her audio program Teaching Kids how to Manage Stress and her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.