Jealousy of fiancé can develop into a self-fulfilling prophesy
Stress for Success
October 6, 2009

Dylan lives in fear of losing his fiancé. He doesn’t trust her and becomes enraged when she talks to other men. If he continues, his jealousy can become a self-fulfilling prophesy, pushing her away and ultimately losing her. Excessive jealousy in isn’t an attractive mate-trait.

Thesaurus words for jealousy include envy, resentment, protectiveness, suspicion, and distrust. Each is very stressful and emotionally exhausting. Far more menacing, jealousy is also the leading cause of homicide.

On the other hand, a little jealousy can be a good thing in a relationship. In small amounts it shows that you care.

Feeling inadequate fuels jealousy. You’re likely to project it onto your partner as anger through spying on him, trying to control him, and blaming him for how rotten you feel. But what you should do is look inside yourself for your own insecurities, which are what trigger your jealousy. After all, those most vulnerable to this toxic emotion are those who are the most self-doubting. Jealousy says more about you than about the perceived misdeeds of your mate.

Psychologist David Buss along with a Spanish colleague in a yet-to-be-published study found that jealousy is closely associated with two of the “big five” personality traits, both of which are influenced by heredity and environment in approximately equal proportions. Jealousy is:
* Positively associated with neuroticism (emotional instability), with tendencies toward anger, anxiety and depression; a common tactic used to discourage a partner from straying is increased vigilance;
* Negatively related to agreeableness (cooperative and compassionate versus suspicious and antagonistic); common tactics include yelling, insulting and undermining a mate’s self-esteem, cutting a partner off from friends and family, or threatening violence;
None of these tactics is likely to increase trust and intimacy, both necessary for a healthy long-term relationship.

“The formula for jealousy,” says psychologist Steven Stosny, “is an insecure person times an insecure relationship.” Insecure people tend to destabilize relationships and make them insecure.

To keep jealousy from wrecking your relationship family therapist Lori Gordon suggests:
* Nurturing your relationship to discourage jealousy in the first place;
* Deciding if you want to confront your mate with your suspicions; at minimum don’t obsess about them;
* Use “I” statement if you choose to say something:
o “I noticed that you’re coming home late,” versus “You’re always coming home late …”
* Focus on your mate’s troubling behavior (e.g., arriving home late) versus negatively judging him (you’re inconsiderate for not calling);
* Use this formula:
o “I notice …” (that you’ve arrived home after 7:00 three times this week.)
o “I assume that it means …” (you’re working later than you typically do.)
o “I wonder …” (why that is and if you’d tell me and whether there is more to it.)
Give your partner time to respond and see where this leads.

Finally, Dylan’s jealousy means he’s feeling unlovable. Instead of doing something that exercises power over her like yelling he’d be wise to do something that makes him more loveable to her. What a great idea!

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Her new book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, is now available at www.letyourbodywin.com. Go to her blog, http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com for past articles.