Changing something about yourself can be stressful
Stress for Success
September 1, 2009

Virtually everyone has something about themselves they don’t like. Whether it’s a habit like smoking or a perceived interpersonal deficit like defensiveness, we all have something we’d like to change about ourselves.

Forcing yourself to change probably doesn’t work. Last week I addressed an important reason why: ambivalence. While you want to change for certain reasons at the same time you don’t want to for others. Since all change equals stress any behavioral modification triggers your fear of the unknown. Until you consciously process these opposing forces you’re unlikely to make progress.

For example, you’re working very long hours to increase your income to pay your bills but also neglecting your family in the process. To make tough decisions about work/life balance it helps to identify and reconcile this tug-of-war: make more money and spend more time with your family. Becoming more aware of your mental conflict can create discomfort with the status quo, which can motivate you to figure out a better balance.

To support clarifying and challenging your ambivalence, apply Dr. Mary Ann Chapman’s advice, “The key to breaking a bad habit (remaining too sedentary) and adopting a good one (exercising) is making changes in your daily life that minimize the influence of the now and remind you of the later.” In other words:
* Minimize the immediate reward of doing nothing (the nonthreatening TV watching versus exercising);
* Make the long-term negative consequences of not exercising (carrying too much weight causing physical discomfort or depression and anxiety) seem more immediate;

Instead of excuse after excuse to avoid exercise, remind yourself how tired you are of being exhausted and emotionally stuck.

Another vital tool to help you change is becoming much more consciously aware of your disagreeable behavior. Observing yourself exhibiting this unwanted behavior is called mindfulness or the observing self. For instance, if you express your stress through over-eating, observe yourself as you stuff yourself. Don’t try to change it, just watch it. The derived awareness is a huge help in changing at some point.

Susan, a coaching client, observed herself overeating for a month. It put her much more in touch with the stressors that were triggering it. She learned that her main trigger was phone calls from her parents. Becoming mindful of this connection motivated her to replace eating with yoga after a parental phone call.

Mindfulness requires personal responsibility as well as cultivates it. It’s much easier to blame your weight gain on genetics or rationalizations like, “eating helps me cope.” But, observing yourself exhibiting this self-destructive habit drives home to you that you alone are in charge of what you put inside your mouth.

Most change is very difficult. To be successful you must be patient, persistent and above all conscious of yourself as you engage in your undesirable behavior. Scare yourself a bit with the negative consequences of changing nothing. With time you’ll hopefully become uncomfortable enough with the status quo to take the leap and make the desired change.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Her new book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, is now available at www.letyourbodywin.com. Go to her blog, http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com for past articles.