Cope with what’s beyond your control to limit your stress
Stress for Success
April 24, 2007
To be a great stress manager you must also be a great mind manager. That’s why I’ve come up with Mind Management Truisms, general rules that apply to all stress. These rules should help you avoid getting lost in your stressed-out mind rethinking over and over again the same habitual thoughts.
The Mind Management Truisms I’ve covered in recent weeks include (go to my web site and click on Jackie’s Blog to read these articles):
§ #1: Stress is in the mind of the beholder. How you behold situations is communicated to you through your self-talk. Listen to your thoughts to increase awareness of your interpretations of stress.
§ #2: It’s (virtually) all about control. The definition of stress is that you think (behold) that you don’t have as much control in stressful situations as you want. The trick to this truism is to consciously acknowledge in each stressor where you actually have control (everything about yourself, your own reactions and choices) and where you don’t (pretty much everything else).
§ #3: The more you fuss and stew about what's beyond your control the more stressed you become and the more stress energy you create. It’s normal to fuss a bit but the more you do the longer it takes to get to problem-solving.
Today we’ll look at Mind Management Truism # 4: Cope with (accept, don’t obsess about) what's beyond your control.
Let’s say your stressor is handling angry customers. Here’s your list of anything that pops into your mind about them:
1. They don’t understand our policies
2. They’re rude
3. I’m tired of it; I don’t get paid enough to put up with them
4. I feel attacked so I get defensive
5. I get headaches by noon!
6. I guess I could learn new skills in calming down angry people
7. Deep breathing is supposed to help
Everything about other people is beyond your control in the sense that you can’t make others change. It’s within your control, however, to change your own approach with them in hopes of bringing about a different outcome. So numbers 1 and 2 are beyond your control.
Number one is not completely beyond your control, though, because you could do something to educate your customers about your policies. But to fuss and stew about their rudeness would be to go against Mind Management Truism #3.
Mind Management Truism #4 tells you that to put your energy into trying to:
§ make others change
§ hope that they will
§ fuss and stew because they don’t
is wasted energy. All of these strategies increase your stress.
You’re going against this truism when you frequently complain to your co-workers about how aggravated you get with angry customers. Instead, each time you start complaining affirm repeatedly to yourself, “I’m giving great customer service to all. I’m a professional.” Or ask, “What are my options in dealing with these customers?”
Your only real options will be in the areas that are within your control, the Mind Management Truism covered next week.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Take a step back, evaluate stressorsStress for Success
Stress for Success
April 17, 2007
Living by Mind Management Truisms, general rules that apply to all stress, helps you deal more effectively with life’s challenges. Keep these in mind when determining where to put your energy when something’s stressing you.
Stress is in the mind of the beholder is Mind Management Truism #1. For example, if you obsess about screaming kids in a restaurant “Those kids are driving me nuts! Why don’t parents leave unruly kids at home”, etc., you’re stressed.
It boils down to what you say to yourself. Wherever your thoughts are going that’s where you are going. Your stressful interpretation makes you stressed. Perhaps your dinner partner doesn’t even notice the kids so her interpretation doesn’t stress her. Neither of you is right or wrong. To reduce your stress, however, your thoughts must sooner rather than later lead toward problem-solving.
Mind Management Truism #2 is about your perception of control. Control equals options so it’s vital that you put your mental energy into identifying them. You usually have more choices than you think you do. If you think you don’t have any you won’t look for them. The trick is to look for options in areas where you actually have control and cope with the areas in which you have no control.
Mind Management Truism #3 is the one we’ll consider today: the more you fuss and stew about what's beyond your control the more stressed you become and the more stress energy you create. It’s normal to fuss about something for a while but how long is enough?
If you perceive something as stressful it means you see it as a threat. Stressful thoughts are by definition angry and/or fearful and are automatically triggered whenever you feel threatened. This is normal. How long you stay in these stressful thoughts determines not only how stressed you are but also which options you can or can’t see to solve the problem.
Some of you virtually never fuss but instead automatically jump into solving your stressor. Great! It may not be 100% good in situations that trigger your strong emotional reactions, however. Jumping too quickly into problem solving allows you to hold difficult emotions at arms length; you intellectualize much of life.
But repressed emotions ultimately control you more than those that you appropriately express. Denying them inhibits your ability to deal with them.
Fussing and stewing too much over stressors, delaying effective problem solving, create complications for multiple reasons:
§ The more stressed you are the more your life blinders (we all wear them) narrow so you see less and less, which also means you see fewer problem solving options.
§ When you think stressful (angry/fearful) thoughts you keep your Stress Cycle going round and round so nothing changes. You’re like a hamster stuck on a wheel; you perpetuate the very problem you supposedly want to resolve.
§ Stressful (angry/fearful) thinking releases more cortisol into your body making you more vulnerable to illness and disease.
So vent quickly about what stresses you then apply advice from a workshop participant’s grandmother, “Stop stewin’ and start doin’.”
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
April 17, 2007
Living by Mind Management Truisms, general rules that apply to all stress, helps you deal more effectively with life’s challenges. Keep these in mind when determining where to put your energy when something’s stressing you.
Stress is in the mind of the beholder is Mind Management Truism #1. For example, if you obsess about screaming kids in a restaurant “Those kids are driving me nuts! Why don’t parents leave unruly kids at home”, etc., you’re stressed.
It boils down to what you say to yourself. Wherever your thoughts are going that’s where you are going. Your stressful interpretation makes you stressed. Perhaps your dinner partner doesn’t even notice the kids so her interpretation doesn’t stress her. Neither of you is right or wrong. To reduce your stress, however, your thoughts must sooner rather than later lead toward problem-solving.
Mind Management Truism #2 is about your perception of control. Control equals options so it’s vital that you put your mental energy into identifying them. You usually have more choices than you think you do. If you think you don’t have any you won’t look for them. The trick is to look for options in areas where you actually have control and cope with the areas in which you have no control.
Mind Management Truism #3 is the one we’ll consider today: the more you fuss and stew about what's beyond your control the more stressed you become and the more stress energy you create. It’s normal to fuss about something for a while but how long is enough?
If you perceive something as stressful it means you see it as a threat. Stressful thoughts are by definition angry and/or fearful and are automatically triggered whenever you feel threatened. This is normal. How long you stay in these stressful thoughts determines not only how stressed you are but also which options you can or can’t see to solve the problem.
Some of you virtually never fuss but instead automatically jump into solving your stressor. Great! It may not be 100% good in situations that trigger your strong emotional reactions, however. Jumping too quickly into problem solving allows you to hold difficult emotions at arms length; you intellectualize much of life.
But repressed emotions ultimately control you more than those that you appropriately express. Denying them inhibits your ability to deal with them.
Fussing and stewing too much over stressors, delaying effective problem solving, create complications for multiple reasons:
§ The more stressed you are the more your life blinders (we all wear them) narrow so you see less and less, which also means you see fewer problem solving options.
§ When you think stressful (angry/fearful) thoughts you keep your Stress Cycle going round and round so nothing changes. You’re like a hamster stuck on a wheel; you perpetuate the very problem you supposedly want to resolve.
§ Stressful (angry/fearful) thinking releases more cortisol into your body making you more vulnerable to illness and disease.
So vent quickly about what stresses you then apply advice from a workshop participant’s grandmother, “Stop stewin’ and start doin’.”
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Quit stewing, identify your options
Problem-solving best cure for stress
Stress for Success
April 10, 2007
Perception of control isn’t everything in stress, but it’s almost everything.
For example, early researchers assumed top executives had the most organizational stress because they had the most responsibility. However, they found that the lowly secretary had the most because she had lots of responsibilities but little control. Top executives had the least because they had the most control.
Having an internal locus of control means you know that you have options. You see that your own efforts and skills determine your outcomes so you’re more empowered and less stressed and depressed.
If you think you have no control, no options, then you don’t because you won’t look for any. This is an external locus of control. You feel at the mercy of outside forces such as luck or fate, leaving you feeling powerless therefore more anxious and depressed.
Developing an internal locus of control, understanding that you can influence life circumstances, goes a long way in helping you look for therefore find stress reducing options. That’s why wilderness experiences like Outward Bound can profoundly impact people with external locus of control beliefs because they learn that through skill development they can develop competence and power in their experiences.
In addition to having a sense of control you also need to understand that you only have control over yourself; your choices, actions and emotions. You have no control over other people, the weather, etc. So you can change your behavior with a difficult person in hopes of bringing about a better outcome but you can’t make that person change.
Wisely using an internal locus of control means putting your energy where you actually have control; changing yourself vs. thinking the other person should change.
Since locus of control is learned, you can develop more of an internal one:
§ Develop awareness of the impact your behavior has on your outcomes. For example, if you study hard for an exam and do well, give yourself credit. If you don’t study and do poorly then acknowledge your contribution.
§ Quickly move from fussing and stewing over life’s problems to identifying your options to solve them. Teach yourself and your kids to think in problem solving ways when stressed by asking, “What are my options?” If you’re not good at this, get help from others until you improve.
ΓΌ To identify possible options answer my ubiquitous magic questions, “What in this situation do I want/need more of and less of?”
§ Select the best options to accomplish your goal in the situation. With a difficult co-worker, for example, if your goal is for him to change, restate it in a way that’s within your control, “to ignore him more.”
§ Replace self-talk like, “I can’t” with “What can I do?”; “”If only” with “What if?”
If you have an external locus of control, when you’re stressed replace your fussing and stewing with, “What are my options?” repeated over and over until you steer your thinking toward problem-solving. Over time it becomes a habit that does wonders in empowering you and lowering your stress.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Problem-solving best cure for stress
Stress for Success
April 10, 2007
Perception of control isn’t everything in stress, but it’s almost everything.
For example, early researchers assumed top executives had the most organizational stress because they had the most responsibility. However, they found that the lowly secretary had the most because she had lots of responsibilities but little control. Top executives had the least because they had the most control.
Having an internal locus of control means you know that you have options. You see that your own efforts and skills determine your outcomes so you’re more empowered and less stressed and depressed.
If you think you have no control, no options, then you don’t because you won’t look for any. This is an external locus of control. You feel at the mercy of outside forces such as luck or fate, leaving you feeling powerless therefore more anxious and depressed.
Developing an internal locus of control, understanding that you can influence life circumstances, goes a long way in helping you look for therefore find stress reducing options. That’s why wilderness experiences like Outward Bound can profoundly impact people with external locus of control beliefs because they learn that through skill development they can develop competence and power in their experiences.
In addition to having a sense of control you also need to understand that you only have control over yourself; your choices, actions and emotions. You have no control over other people, the weather, etc. So you can change your behavior with a difficult person in hopes of bringing about a better outcome but you can’t make that person change.
Wisely using an internal locus of control means putting your energy where you actually have control; changing yourself vs. thinking the other person should change.
Since locus of control is learned, you can develop more of an internal one:
§ Develop awareness of the impact your behavior has on your outcomes. For example, if you study hard for an exam and do well, give yourself credit. If you don’t study and do poorly then acknowledge your contribution.
§ Quickly move from fussing and stewing over life’s problems to identifying your options to solve them. Teach yourself and your kids to think in problem solving ways when stressed by asking, “What are my options?” If you’re not good at this, get help from others until you improve.
ΓΌ To identify possible options answer my ubiquitous magic questions, “What in this situation do I want/need more of and less of?”
§ Select the best options to accomplish your goal in the situation. With a difficult co-worker, for example, if your goal is for him to change, restate it in a way that’s within your control, “to ignore him more.”
§ Replace self-talk like, “I can’t” with “What can I do?”; “”If only” with “What if?”
If you have an external locus of control, when you’re stressed replace your fussing and stewing with, “What are my options?” repeated over and over until you steer your thinking toward problem-solving. Over time it becomes a habit that does wonders in empowering you and lowering your stress.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Locus of control determines your stress
Stress for Success
April 3, 2007
If you were passed over for a promotion at work would it be because you blew the job interview or because your boss has it in for you and would never give it to you? Your answer to this type of question indicates whether you have an internal “locus of control” or an external one.
If you believe what happens to you in life is largely determined by fate, luck or other external conditions (the boss is the reason you didn’t get the job) you’re an external. If you think you’re in charge of your own destiny (had I prepared better I might have gotten the promotion) you’re an internal.
Externals think the outcomes in life are largely beyond their control. They stay in undesirable situations longer because they don’t think they have any options, leaving them feeling powerless to change their situation. They see outside forces as the reason that good and bad things happen to them. They haven’t made the connection between their own behavior and their outcomes in life so they feel more at the mercy of outside forces.
This powerlessness leads to more stressful reactions to life’s situations causing greater susceptibility to depression and other health problems. Research is definitive that stress releases more cortisol into your body, causing everything from sleep problems to diabetes to cardio-vascular disease.
Internals believe that they largely control what happens to them; that their skills and efforts determine whether or not they get the promotion. They feel like they have choices in life therefore are more likely to have high self-esteem. They feel happier, freer, more satisfied with life in general and are less stressed. They have better health due to less chronic stress.
So it’s obvious that an internal locus of control is much better for managing stress.
The perception of not having the control you want in a situation is mostly what stress is all about. The less control you think you have the more stressed you’ll be. Powerlessness also leads to a lack of persistence and lower expectations of life.
The key to stress management is problem-solving, which requires you to look for options. If you believe outside forces control your options then you’re likely to wait for something external to solve your problem for you.
Internals see themselves as responsible for solving their own stressors and quickly do so. They take charge and don’t wait for someone else to do it for them.
Both internals and externals learned their beliefs from their families, culture and past experiences. Most internals come from families that focused on effort, education and responsibility. Most externals come from families of a lower socioeconomic status where there was a lack of control over their lives or their family experienced significant hardship like serious illness.
If you’d like to determine if you’re an external or internal, go to the Internet and type in “Locus of Control test” and choose which to take. Next week we’ll look at how to develop more of an internal locus of control to lower your stress.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
April 3, 2007
If you were passed over for a promotion at work would it be because you blew the job interview or because your boss has it in for you and would never give it to you? Your answer to this type of question indicates whether you have an internal “locus of control” or an external one.
If you believe what happens to you in life is largely determined by fate, luck or other external conditions (the boss is the reason you didn’t get the job) you’re an external. If you think you’re in charge of your own destiny (had I prepared better I might have gotten the promotion) you’re an internal.
Externals think the outcomes in life are largely beyond their control. They stay in undesirable situations longer because they don’t think they have any options, leaving them feeling powerless to change their situation. They see outside forces as the reason that good and bad things happen to them. They haven’t made the connection between their own behavior and their outcomes in life so they feel more at the mercy of outside forces.
This powerlessness leads to more stressful reactions to life’s situations causing greater susceptibility to depression and other health problems. Research is definitive that stress releases more cortisol into your body, causing everything from sleep problems to diabetes to cardio-vascular disease.
Internals believe that they largely control what happens to them; that their skills and efforts determine whether or not they get the promotion. They feel like they have choices in life therefore are more likely to have high self-esteem. They feel happier, freer, more satisfied with life in general and are less stressed. They have better health due to less chronic stress.
So it’s obvious that an internal locus of control is much better for managing stress.
The perception of not having the control you want in a situation is mostly what stress is all about. The less control you think you have the more stressed you’ll be. Powerlessness also leads to a lack of persistence and lower expectations of life.
The key to stress management is problem-solving, which requires you to look for options. If you believe outside forces control your options then you’re likely to wait for something external to solve your problem for you.
Internals see themselves as responsible for solving their own stressors and quickly do so. They take charge and don’t wait for someone else to do it for them.
Both internals and externals learned their beliefs from their families, culture and past experiences. Most internals come from families that focused on effort, education and responsibility. Most externals come from families of a lower socioeconomic status where there was a lack of control over their lives or their family experienced significant hardship like serious illness.
If you’d like to determine if you’re an external or internal, go to the Internet and type in “Locus of Control test” and choose which to take. Next week we’ll look at how to develop more of an internal locus of control to lower your stress.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
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