Assess healthiness of your relationship
Stress for Success
January 16, 2006

Unhealthy relationships are as destructive to your well being as healthy ones are good for it. Relationships that are full of conflict and stress negatively impact your blood pressure (a risk factor for heart disease) and other physical problems. An ambivalent relationship, sometimes supportive and sometimes hostile, can actually cause more stress than those that are consistently negative.

So, whom do you surround yourself with? Is a particularly challenging relationship harming you? Are too many people sucking the life out of you --- inching you closer to possible illness?

To assess the health of your relationships increase your awareness of them. Listen to your intuitive answers to these questions regarding especially troublesome ones:
• How do I feel when I’m with him: inferior, superior or equal to him? Do I like myself when I’m with him?
• When I’m with him do I typically behave assertively, passively or aggressively?
• After I’ve been with her do I feel more uplifted or more depressed?
• Are our conversations natural or forced?
• Does she often criticize me? When she does, is she trying to help me vs. control me?
• Does she feel joy for me when something good happens to me?
• Do we share common values?
• Do we bring out the best or the worst in each other?
• Are we supportive of each other?
• Does he usually dominate conversations? If I were more assertive would he willingly listen to me?
• Do I have reason to trust him?
• Is the relationship worth the energy I put into it? Would it improve if I invested more positive energy into it?
If your answers tell you that a person is toxic for you, why do you stay involved with her? Do you have a history of associating with the same type of person? If so, consider professional counseling to help you break your pattern.
It’s perfectly OK to diminish or end relationships with those from whom you’ve grown apart and certainly with anyone who’s toxic for you, whether it’s a relative (not so easy) or a relatively unimportant person to you (usually easier). You’re the only one who can decide which ones promote your well being and which ones don’t.

Start letting go of an unhealthy relationship when the energy you put into it brings about fewer and less desirable results. Do it for the good of your health.
For a relationship you’ve decided to diminish, to what degree will you lessen it? Think outside all-or-nothing terms. There are many steps between continuing the relationship as is and ending it completely. For example, if you see this person weekly historically, could you cut back to monthly?

What’s more important, continuing with an unhealthy relationship or your well being? If your health wins out you have three options to change the unhealthy relationship:
1) discontinue or decrease it
2) wait for the other person to change in a positive way (don’t hold your breath)
3) change something you’re doing to help make it healthier.

It’s perfectly OK to diminish or end relationships with those from whom you’ve grown apart and certainly with anyone who’s toxic for you, whether it’s a relative (not so easy) or a relatively unimportant person to you (usually easier). You’re the only one who can decide which ones promote your well being and which ones don’t.

I’ll cover some ideas on how to grow healthier relationships next week.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.