Relationships good for health
Stress for Success
March 25, 2008
I have no doubt that emotional closeness with others is good for your health. As a young child it always fascinated me when I was sick how much better I felt when my mother was sitting at my bedside comforting me. Did her presence exert only the placebo effect or is there actual physiological healing due to someone’s empathetic presence?
There’s research that supports the link between relationships and physical health for people who have strong personal ties (like marriage, close family and friends, and/or involvement in social and religious groups.) It has been found that they recover more quickly from disease and live longer.
Social neuroscience, the study of how the brain referees social interactions, is adding to our understanding of how this might work.
"Mirror neurons" in the brain have been found to track the emotional flow and even intentions of the person we’re with. Then our own brains duplicate this perceived state by stimulating the same brain areas activated in the other person. It seems that this facilitates interpersonal synchronization of physiological changes.
Mirror neurons might explain why we tend to "catch" other people's emotional states. They may also explain rapport, the unconscious mirroring of another’s nonverbal behaviors and vocal patterns as you interact. The more you mirror one another the more in rapport you are, therefore the more trusting and cooperative you’ll be.
Harmonization of brain states, emotions and cardiovascular reactions between people have been studied in mothers and their infants, spouses arguing and people in meetings. Lisa M. Diamond and Lisa G. Aspinwall, a University of Utah psychologist, have reviewed decades’ worth of data and have found that emotional closeness allows the biology of one person to influence another’s.
As the University of Chicago’s John T. Cacioppo, director of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience, says, “In short, my hostility bumps up your blood pressure, your nurturing love lowers mine," making us each other's biological enemies or allies.
Even though there’s no definitive evidence that we affect each other’s physical reactions, consider these findings:
§ Women who waited alone for an electric shock during a functional magnetic resonance imaging study experienced heightened anxiety and a greater release of stress hormones versus women whose husbands held their hands. These women felt calm and their brains quieted, according to James A. Coan’s report last year in Psychophysiology. However, a woman whose hand was held by a stranger while she waited experienced little relief.
§ It’s also known that social rejection activates the zones of the brain that generate physical pain.
§ Sheldon Cohen, psychologist at Carnegie-Mellon University who studies the effects of personal connections on health, finds that a hospital patient's family and friends help by just visiting, whether or not they quite know what to say.
Close relationships, it seems, are important to your health and resiliency to illness. To protect yourself, keep your relationships in good shape. Surround yourself with people who are your biological allies and avoid or insulate yourself from those who are your enemies.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Nurture your friendships to lower your stress
Stress for Success
March 18, 2008
Eight of my best girlfriends and I enjoyed a wonderful brunch together one recent Saturday to celebrate our Colorado friend’s visit. The next day we kayaked the Orange River with our husbands and then returned to my house for a birthday party and dinner. So much went on between us that was so very good and healthy.
We swapped stories about the good and not so good events in our lives. We poked fun at each other as well as at ourselves. We gave advice. We just listened. We cried. We laughed, and sometimes we laughed so hard we cried. Through everything, we communicated our love and acceptance that have spanned 26 years.
There are an even dozen of us in this circle of female friends. Our love and closeness also extend to everyone’s husbands and children. We've been through decades of ups and downs and are closer because of it. We’re very aware of our great fortune.
Friendships like these don't just happen, they require lots of investment. "What goes around comes around;" to receive unconditional love and support from others you must also give it.
Great relationships are fun and supportive as well as good for your health.
According to the Mayo Clinic having close friends and family on whom you can depend has extensive health benefits. Friendship allows you to connect with others, increasing your sense of belonging, purpose and self-esteem, which promotes mental wellness. Having trustworthy friends to share your life also reduces your unhealthy reactions to stressful events.
You don't have time, you say, to nurture friendships? This is true only if you think it is. If you value friendship enough you'll make the time. Even during our child-raising-phases we scheduled near monthly events for just the girls and many weekend events for the families. Not everyone attended everything but mostly we did.
It's hard to make new friends, you counter? Perhaps, but it's worth figuring out a way to find and nurture them. This circle of friends came together in the early 1980s when we were involved in common community causes. We all joined organizations out of our commitment and passion to these social causes and through them we met each other.
It took the initiative of one of the women to invite the rest of us together for the first time. We had a raucous and fun time from the very beginning. It took this same person to get us all back together time and again, until the group energy eventually took on a life of its own. And here we are 26 years later, with more wrinkles, some new husbands, and eternal gratefulness for each other.
You don't have to have a dozen close friends. One or two will do. But you need friends outside of your family for objectivity, variety and potential for growth.
In following weeks we'll consider the research regarding why friendships are good for you and how to go about finding them.
In the meantime, be a very good friend to yourself.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
March 18, 2008
Eight of my best girlfriends and I enjoyed a wonderful brunch together one recent Saturday to celebrate our Colorado friend’s visit. The next day we kayaked the Orange River with our husbands and then returned to my house for a birthday party and dinner. So much went on between us that was so very good and healthy.
We swapped stories about the good and not so good events in our lives. We poked fun at each other as well as at ourselves. We gave advice. We just listened. We cried. We laughed, and sometimes we laughed so hard we cried. Through everything, we communicated our love and acceptance that have spanned 26 years.
There are an even dozen of us in this circle of female friends. Our love and closeness also extend to everyone’s husbands and children. We've been through decades of ups and downs and are closer because of it. We’re very aware of our great fortune.
Friendships like these don't just happen, they require lots of investment. "What goes around comes around;" to receive unconditional love and support from others you must also give it.
Great relationships are fun and supportive as well as good for your health.
According to the Mayo Clinic having close friends and family on whom you can depend has extensive health benefits. Friendship allows you to connect with others, increasing your sense of belonging, purpose and self-esteem, which promotes mental wellness. Having trustworthy friends to share your life also reduces your unhealthy reactions to stressful events.
You don't have time, you say, to nurture friendships? This is true only if you think it is. If you value friendship enough you'll make the time. Even during our child-raising-phases we scheduled near monthly events for just the girls and many weekend events for the families. Not everyone attended everything but mostly we did.
It's hard to make new friends, you counter? Perhaps, but it's worth figuring out a way to find and nurture them. This circle of friends came together in the early 1980s when we were involved in common community causes. We all joined organizations out of our commitment and passion to these social causes and through them we met each other.
It took the initiative of one of the women to invite the rest of us together for the first time. We had a raucous and fun time from the very beginning. It took this same person to get us all back together time and again, until the group energy eventually took on a life of its own. And here we are 26 years later, with more wrinkles, some new husbands, and eternal gratefulness for each other.
You don't have to have a dozen close friends. One or two will do. But you need friends outside of your family for objectivity, variety and potential for growth.
In following weeks we'll consider the research regarding why friendships are good for you and how to go about finding them.
In the meantime, be a very good friend to yourself.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Sunlight is a good source of vitamin D
Stress for Success
March 11, 2008
How much, if any, unprotected sunshine is good for you?
How much sunshine puts you at risk for skin cancer? Does too little rob you of its health-enhancing benefits?
Since most living things require sunshine it only makes sense that our bodies do, too.
"Modern … work routines have curbed our exposure to sunlight," says Daniel Kripke, psychiatry professor, University of California at San Diego. He found San Diegans average less than an hour a day outside, which may be bad for their health.
Edward Giovannucci of Harvard’s School of Public Health worries that "Our scrupulous avoidance of the sun may have inadvertently led to widespread vitamin D deficiencies."
Michael Holick, world-renowned vitamin D expert and professor of medicine at Boston University, adds, "The message from dermatologists never to expose yourself directly to sunlight is itself hazardous to your health. It has put the population at risk for vitamin D deficiency," especially the frail elderly and dark-skinned people living at high latitudes or in cloudy climates.
Last week I wrote about mounting research regarding the role of sunlight and cancer development. Briefly, if you live at high latitudes, you're more likely to suffer and die from cancers of the colon, pancreas, prostate, ovaries and breast. Raising blood levels of vitamin D reduces the incidence of colorectal cancer by half. Also, women with the highest amounts of vitamin D had the lowest risk of breast cancer.
A 2006 study led Holick compared tumor growth in mice with low levels of vitamin D and mice with high levels. "The tumors took off in the vitamin D-deficient mice." By the study's end, they were 80% larger than the ones in the vitamin D-sufficient mice.
The evidence of vitamin D's effects is so strong that some scientists say the best thing to protect against cancer, apart from not smoking and avoiding excessive alcohol, is to get enough vitamin D. Unfiltered sunlight for at least a few minutes daily fights heart disease, cancer, autoimmune disorders and even depression. Some research suggests it may even add seven years to your life!
NIH sponsored a conference on this topic in September. Barbara Gilchrest, chief of dermatology at Boston University said, "There’s still no consensus on the optimal amount. But there’s consensus on how people should get more of the vitamin, through supplements ..."
Holick agrees that supplements would be the easiest solution. He takes 1400 IU per day himself. But he still promotes sunlight because there are at least three other photoproducts not available in supplements. He doesn’t endorse tanning but says, "You can get sufficient vitamin D ... by exposing your arms and legs to the midday sun for only 10 to 15 minutes."
But those who are fair-skinned, tan poorly and freckle easily are vulnerable to burning. Gilchrest says, "For them, even a little sun carries a much greater risk of skin damage. (They’re) already getting all the sun they need from their daily activities.”
Stay tuned for additional research. In the meantime, if you tan well, consider small amounts of daily direct sunlight to function more healthfully and maybe to live longer.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops (like Slow Down You Move Too Fast at FGCU on March19) on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
March 11, 2008
How much, if any, unprotected sunshine is good for you?
How much sunshine puts you at risk for skin cancer? Does too little rob you of its health-enhancing benefits?
Since most living things require sunshine it only makes sense that our bodies do, too.
"Modern … work routines have curbed our exposure to sunlight," says Daniel Kripke, psychiatry professor, University of California at San Diego. He found San Diegans average less than an hour a day outside, which may be bad for their health.
Edward Giovannucci of Harvard’s School of Public Health worries that "Our scrupulous avoidance of the sun may have inadvertently led to widespread vitamin D deficiencies."
Michael Holick, world-renowned vitamin D expert and professor of medicine at Boston University, adds, "The message from dermatologists never to expose yourself directly to sunlight is itself hazardous to your health. It has put the population at risk for vitamin D deficiency," especially the frail elderly and dark-skinned people living at high latitudes or in cloudy climates.
Last week I wrote about mounting research regarding the role of sunlight and cancer development. Briefly, if you live at high latitudes, you're more likely to suffer and die from cancers of the colon, pancreas, prostate, ovaries and breast. Raising blood levels of vitamin D reduces the incidence of colorectal cancer by half. Also, women with the highest amounts of vitamin D had the lowest risk of breast cancer.
A 2006 study led Holick compared tumor growth in mice with low levels of vitamin D and mice with high levels. "The tumors took off in the vitamin D-deficient mice." By the study's end, they were 80% larger than the ones in the vitamin D-sufficient mice.
The evidence of vitamin D's effects is so strong that some scientists say the best thing to protect against cancer, apart from not smoking and avoiding excessive alcohol, is to get enough vitamin D. Unfiltered sunlight for at least a few minutes daily fights heart disease, cancer, autoimmune disorders and even depression. Some research suggests it may even add seven years to your life!
NIH sponsored a conference on this topic in September. Barbara Gilchrest, chief of dermatology at Boston University said, "There’s still no consensus on the optimal amount. But there’s consensus on how people should get more of the vitamin, through supplements ..."
Holick agrees that supplements would be the easiest solution. He takes 1400 IU per day himself. But he still promotes sunlight because there are at least three other photoproducts not available in supplements. He doesn’t endorse tanning but says, "You can get sufficient vitamin D ... by exposing your arms and legs to the midday sun for only 10 to 15 minutes."
But those who are fair-skinned, tan poorly and freckle easily are vulnerable to burning. Gilchrest says, "For them, even a little sun carries a much greater risk of skin damage. (They’re) already getting all the sun they need from their daily activities.”
Stay tuned for additional research. In the meantime, if you tan well, consider small amounts of daily direct sunlight to function more healthfully and maybe to live longer.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops (like Slow Down You Move Too Fast at FGCU on March19) on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Cancer news about sunlight isn’t all bad
Stress for Success
March 4, 2008
Is the sun more friend or foe? 1960s researchers found both higher rates of cancer in regions with less sunlight and more melanoma where there’s greater sunshine. The “foe” research has dominated warning us ever since to slather on the sunblock. Recently, however, some are questioning the wisdom of too much sun avoidance.
Sunshine is definitely the biggest source of vitamin D, which builds strong bones. But vitamin D also helps regulate almost every physical system, leading some scientists to advise that some unprotected sun exposure can be vitally important in preventing autoimmune disorders, cardiovascular disease and even cancer, sending shockwaves through skin cancer professionals.
Consider some of the research:
§ If you live at high latitudes you're more likely to develop and die from cancers of the colon, pancreas, prostate, ovaries, and breast leading to the possibility that direct sunlight protects against cancer.
§ In 1980, mortality rates from colon cancer deaths in the United States were the highest for those with the least amount of natural light exposure - in big cities and in rural areas at high latitudes suggesting a link to vitamin D.
The evidence is so convincing that some scientists say the most effective way to protect against cancer, besides not smoking and moderating alcohol use, is to get enough vitamin D.
It’s also now known that most tissues and cells, including in the colon, breast, immune system, and the brain, have receptors for vitamin D. Beyond producing calcium, vitamin D stimulates the secretion of insulin, impacts the immune system, and helps to regulate how cells grow, mature, reproduce, differentiate and die. "There's good evidence that every cell and tissue in the body needs vitamin D for optimal function," says Michael Holick, world-renowned vitamin D expert and professor of medicine at Boston University.
§ Vitamin D suppresses autoimmune reactions, perhaps explaining why multiple sclerosis, a disease thought to cause immune cells to attack the body's own nerve cells, is 50% lower in people who live in latitudes below 35°.
§ Hypertension and cardiovascular disease are more prevalent at higher latitudes and among those with dark skin pigmentation, which limits skin manufacture of vitamin D.
§ In a 1998 Holick experiment, hypertensive patients were treated with ultraviolet light three times a week for nine weeks increasing their vitamin D levels by 180% and returning their blood pressure to normal.
Europeans researching vitamin D compared death rates of those receiving the vitamin with those taking a placebo. "The results were remarkable," says Edward Giovannucci of Harvard’s School of Public Health. "People taking supplements of 300-2000 IU of vitamin D had a statistically significant reduction in mortality from any cause." The study also revealed no downsides to these doses.
Others caution that this evidence only shows association, not cause and effect, just like with beta-carotene and vitamin E studies that promised cancer protection but failed when rigorously tested. Giovannucci counterpoints that there have been no randomized trials showing that using sunscreen reduces melanoma either; just observational data.
Whom to believe? Next week we’ll consider this further.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops (like Slow Down You Move Too Fast at FGCU on March19) on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
March 4, 2008
Is the sun more friend or foe? 1960s researchers found both higher rates of cancer in regions with less sunlight and more melanoma where there’s greater sunshine. The “foe” research has dominated warning us ever since to slather on the sunblock. Recently, however, some are questioning the wisdom of too much sun avoidance.
Sunshine is definitely the biggest source of vitamin D, which builds strong bones. But vitamin D also helps regulate almost every physical system, leading some scientists to advise that some unprotected sun exposure can be vitally important in preventing autoimmune disorders, cardiovascular disease and even cancer, sending shockwaves through skin cancer professionals.
Consider some of the research:
§ If you live at high latitudes you're more likely to develop and die from cancers of the colon, pancreas, prostate, ovaries, and breast leading to the possibility that direct sunlight protects against cancer.
§ In 1980, mortality rates from colon cancer deaths in the United States were the highest for those with the least amount of natural light exposure - in big cities and in rural areas at high latitudes suggesting a link to vitamin D.
The evidence is so convincing that some scientists say the most effective way to protect against cancer, besides not smoking and moderating alcohol use, is to get enough vitamin D.
It’s also now known that most tissues and cells, including in the colon, breast, immune system, and the brain, have receptors for vitamin D. Beyond producing calcium, vitamin D stimulates the secretion of insulin, impacts the immune system, and helps to regulate how cells grow, mature, reproduce, differentiate and die. "There's good evidence that every cell and tissue in the body needs vitamin D for optimal function," says Michael Holick, world-renowned vitamin D expert and professor of medicine at Boston University.
§ Vitamin D suppresses autoimmune reactions, perhaps explaining why multiple sclerosis, a disease thought to cause immune cells to attack the body's own nerve cells, is 50% lower in people who live in latitudes below 35°.
§ Hypertension and cardiovascular disease are more prevalent at higher latitudes and among those with dark skin pigmentation, which limits skin manufacture of vitamin D.
§ In a 1998 Holick experiment, hypertensive patients were treated with ultraviolet light three times a week for nine weeks increasing their vitamin D levels by 180% and returning their blood pressure to normal.
Europeans researching vitamin D compared death rates of those receiving the vitamin with those taking a placebo. "The results were remarkable," says Edward Giovannucci of Harvard’s School of Public Health. "People taking supplements of 300-2000 IU of vitamin D had a statistically significant reduction in mortality from any cause." The study also revealed no downsides to these doses.
Others caution that this evidence only shows association, not cause and effect, just like with beta-carotene and vitamin E studies that promised cancer protection but failed when rigorously tested. Giovannucci counterpoints that there have been no randomized trials showing that using sunscreen reduces melanoma either; just observational data.
Whom to believe? Next week we’ll consider this further.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops (like Slow Down You Move Too Fast at FGCU on March19) on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Don't trust how you tell your story when you’re too defensive
Stress for Success
February 26, 2008
Are there are certain people or situations that trigger instantaneous and negatively emotional reactions in you? If so, consider this quote:
§ "The degree to which I am wrong is directly proportionate to how adamantly I profess to be right." -- Source unknown.
In other words, "I think thou dost protest too much, " (revised from Shakespeare's Hamlet.)
One red flag indicating not to trust your perception of something stressful is your own defensive, emotional and/or rigid reaction, which signifies that the true source of your stress is mostly in how you’re telling your story of the situation. This is difficult to recognize in yourself because you assume that your interpretations are accurate.
Everyone projects onto all situations what's in their own heads so you find what you look for.
For example, you have a core belief that life is unfair therefore more easily interpret other people’s actions as unfair, even when they’re not. Like you explain that you didn't get a promotion because your boss is unfair. From the boss’ point of view you weren't qualified. If true, as long as you assume he's unfair you'll be at a disadvantage for getting future promotions because you won't be improving your competence.
There are rigid words that fuel defensive interpretations that need to be replaced:
§ “Should, shouldn’t, have to, must” with “prefer”
§ “Every, all, everyone, no one” with “some”
§ “Always, never” substitute “sometimes”
§ “Can’t” substitute “choose not to”
For example, “She shouldn’t talk to us that way,” becomes, “I prefer she not talk to us that way.” Isn't the second version less rigid?
Or, "No one appreciates anything I do," becomes, "My son doesn't appreciate that I iron his clothes." The second version is more specific and accurate allowing you to address the real issue rather than the global "no one" and "anything I do."
One more red flag that indicates that your perception is more of your stress than the situation itself is when you emotionally judge someone who's "stressing you." For example, "she's lazy." Just because you think she's lazy doesn't mean she is. Don't confuse judgments with facts. Your negative judgments of another are usually projections of what you cannot accept in yourself. Rather than delve into your psyche for the reasons it's easier to play devil's advocate with your negative judgments.
To challenge them identify the facts of the situation and the other person’s behavior to assess if your judgments are legitimate. In this example let's say she turns in her work late and takes longer lunch breaks than allowed, which can be factual and behavioral. But do they justify labeling her lazy? Whether or not they do, you'll more successfully deal with her if you focus on the facts and behaviors and let go of your judgments.
How you tell not only the story of your life but the story of your individual daily experiences creates your reality. If your reality is entirely too stressful then change how you tell your story.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops (like Slow Down You Move Too Fast at FGCU on March19) on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
February 26, 2008
Are there are certain people or situations that trigger instantaneous and negatively emotional reactions in you? If so, consider this quote:
§ "The degree to which I am wrong is directly proportionate to how adamantly I profess to be right." -- Source unknown.
In other words, "I think thou dost protest too much, " (revised from Shakespeare's Hamlet.)
One red flag indicating not to trust your perception of something stressful is your own defensive, emotional and/or rigid reaction, which signifies that the true source of your stress is mostly in how you’re telling your story of the situation. This is difficult to recognize in yourself because you assume that your interpretations are accurate.
Everyone projects onto all situations what's in their own heads so you find what you look for.
For example, you have a core belief that life is unfair therefore more easily interpret other people’s actions as unfair, even when they’re not. Like you explain that you didn't get a promotion because your boss is unfair. From the boss’ point of view you weren't qualified. If true, as long as you assume he's unfair you'll be at a disadvantage for getting future promotions because you won't be improving your competence.
There are rigid words that fuel defensive interpretations that need to be replaced:
§ “Should, shouldn’t, have to, must” with “prefer”
§ “Every, all, everyone, no one” with “some”
§ “Always, never” substitute “sometimes”
§ “Can’t” substitute “choose not to”
For example, “She shouldn’t talk to us that way,” becomes, “I prefer she not talk to us that way.” Isn't the second version less rigid?
Or, "No one appreciates anything I do," becomes, "My son doesn't appreciate that I iron his clothes." The second version is more specific and accurate allowing you to address the real issue rather than the global "no one" and "anything I do."
One more red flag that indicates that your perception is more of your stress than the situation itself is when you emotionally judge someone who's "stressing you." For example, "she's lazy." Just because you think she's lazy doesn't mean she is. Don't confuse judgments with facts. Your negative judgments of another are usually projections of what you cannot accept in yourself. Rather than delve into your psyche for the reasons it's easier to play devil's advocate with your negative judgments.
To challenge them identify the facts of the situation and the other person’s behavior to assess if your judgments are legitimate. In this example let's say she turns in her work late and takes longer lunch breaks than allowed, which can be factual and behavioral. But do they justify labeling her lazy? Whether or not they do, you'll more successfully deal with her if you focus on the facts and behaviors and let go of your judgments.
How you tell not only the story of your life but the story of your individual daily experiences creates your reality. If your reality is entirely too stressful then change how you tell your story.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops (like Slow Down You Move Too Fast at FGCU on March19) on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Tell a more optimistic story to reduce your stress
Stress for Success
February 19, 2008
Are you seen as an optimist, a pessimist, a victim or in charge of your own life?
How others see you is partly derived from their perception of how you "tell your story". In recent articles I've addressed how you tell your story becomes your self-fulfilling prophecy. If your life needs an overhaul then how you tell your story does, too.
Consider two ideas in deciding whether or not your life story needs a rewrite.
When something bad happens to you how you explain why it happened implies if your story is perpetuating your stress.
Dr. Martin Seligman, world-renowned optimism/pessimism researcher, University of PA, identified three speech components of your "explanatory style": how you explain why something bad (or good) happens to you.
Pretend you applied for a job that you didn’t get, then answer, “Why didn’t I get the job?”
1. Ongoing vs. temporary: Does your explanation suggest the event has ongoing consequences vs. a temporary setback?
· “I’ll never get a job!” (On-going/pessimistic)
· “I wasn’t on for the interview.” (Temporary setback/optimistic)
2. Global vs. specific: Does not getting the job have global effects on your life or only on a specific part?
· “I’m a loser.” (Global/pessimistic)
· “Money will be tight until I get a job.” (Specific/optimistic)
3. Blame yourself vs. an outside source: Do you generally blame yourself when something bad happens or is something/someone else responsible?
· “I’m a loser.” (Self-blame/pessimistic)
· “What a terrible interviewer!” (Blames outside source/optimistic)
(Seligman isn’t encouraging you to shirk personal responsibility but finds excessive self-blaming is a sign of pessimism.)
To improve how you tell your story when something bad happens change your explanations from on-going to temporary, from having global implications to specific ones, and from self-blame to lightening up on yourself. More optimism also leads to greater professional success, resiliency, better health and possibly greater longevity.
Repetitive, dysfunctional life patterns are another sure sign that how you tell your story is perpetuating a stressful reality. For example, a customer said that she was about to quit her fourth job in three years for the same reason: "the jerks I work with." Is it possible that her story maintains her stress?
Eric Berne’s Transactional Analysis (remember I’m OK – You’re OK?) explains this. He found that "dysfunctional behavior results from self-limiting choices made in childhood in an attempt to survive and thrive." These create your "life-script, the preconscious life plan that governs how you live your life." Burns also defined socially dysfunctional behavioral patterns as "games."
You attract people who’ll help you live out your life-script. Perhaps my customer had antagonistic relationships with her family of origin and repeatedly "plays games" that result in hostile relationships in her workplaces.
Without realizing it we all continue to live out our dysfunctional (and functional) life-scripts. The trick is to spot the repetitive, dysfunctional tendencies and assume that we may be keeping alive these unhealthy patterns through how we tell our story. Good counseling can certainly help to unravel your complicity and create a different story line to move you toward a healthier outcome ending.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops (like Slow Down You Move Too Fast at FGCU on March19) on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
February 19, 2008
Are you seen as an optimist, a pessimist, a victim or in charge of your own life?
How others see you is partly derived from their perception of how you "tell your story". In recent articles I've addressed how you tell your story becomes your self-fulfilling prophecy. If your life needs an overhaul then how you tell your story does, too.
Consider two ideas in deciding whether or not your life story needs a rewrite.
When something bad happens to you how you explain why it happened implies if your story is perpetuating your stress.
Dr. Martin Seligman, world-renowned optimism/pessimism researcher, University of PA, identified three speech components of your "explanatory style": how you explain why something bad (or good) happens to you.
Pretend you applied for a job that you didn’t get, then answer, “Why didn’t I get the job?”
1. Ongoing vs. temporary: Does your explanation suggest the event has ongoing consequences vs. a temporary setback?
· “I’ll never get a job!” (On-going/pessimistic)
· “I wasn’t on for the interview.” (Temporary setback/optimistic)
2. Global vs. specific: Does not getting the job have global effects on your life or only on a specific part?
· “I’m a loser.” (Global/pessimistic)
· “Money will be tight until I get a job.” (Specific/optimistic)
3. Blame yourself vs. an outside source: Do you generally blame yourself when something bad happens or is something/someone else responsible?
· “I’m a loser.” (Self-blame/pessimistic)
· “What a terrible interviewer!” (Blames outside source/optimistic)
(Seligman isn’t encouraging you to shirk personal responsibility but finds excessive self-blaming is a sign of pessimism.)
To improve how you tell your story when something bad happens change your explanations from on-going to temporary, from having global implications to specific ones, and from self-blame to lightening up on yourself. More optimism also leads to greater professional success, resiliency, better health and possibly greater longevity.
Repetitive, dysfunctional life patterns are another sure sign that how you tell your story is perpetuating a stressful reality. For example, a customer said that she was about to quit her fourth job in three years for the same reason: "the jerks I work with." Is it possible that her story maintains her stress?
Eric Berne’s Transactional Analysis (remember I’m OK – You’re OK?) explains this. He found that "dysfunctional behavior results from self-limiting choices made in childhood in an attempt to survive and thrive." These create your "life-script, the preconscious life plan that governs how you live your life." Burns also defined socially dysfunctional behavioral patterns as "games."
You attract people who’ll help you live out your life-script. Perhaps my customer had antagonistic relationships with her family of origin and repeatedly "plays games" that result in hostile relationships in her workplaces.
Without realizing it we all continue to live out our dysfunctional (and functional) life-scripts. The trick is to spot the repetitive, dysfunctional tendencies and assume that we may be keeping alive these unhealthy patterns through how we tell our story. Good counseling can certainly help to unravel your complicity and create a different story line to move you toward a healthier outcome ending.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops (like Slow Down You Move Too Fast at FGCU on March19) on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Core beliefs can cause stress
Stress for Success
February 12, 2008
Everyone has core beliefs that drive their reactions to all of life’s situations. These are mostly established in early childhood and are very difficult to shake. But if you want to get off the treadmill of automatically reacting out of childhood programming and expand your options for reacting differently you must identify, challenge and adjust your limiting core beliefs.
At the heart of all perceptions are these beliefs. For example, a core belief that people are good and to be trusted allows you to put faith in others. However, if you believe people are untrustworthy you’ll view others suspiciously. These entirely different perceptions, based on core beliefs, will lead to drastically different relationships.
To identify core beliefs driving your stressful reactions, allowing you to challenge and ultimately modify them to respond more productively, use the Repetitive Why Technique.
For instance, much of Irene's stress comes from being a pleaser. She overextends herself to help others to the detriment of taking care of herself, she says what others want to hear, and she says "yes" when she wants to say "no."
One day her boss needed something done by 2 p.m. Irene knew she wouldn't be able to get it done given her other responsibilities, but instead of saying so she said, "okay." To be more honest she needs to identify and change her underlying core belief, which paves the way for her to set appropriate limits.
With the Repetitive Why Technique ask, "why" repeatedly regarding your reactions. She would ask herself why she didn’t tell her boss the truth. For each answer she’d ask why again. It might go something like this:
§ "Why did I say I'd get the work done when I know I can't?"
o "Because she's my boss, I have to do what she tells me."
§ "Why do I think I have to say "yes" to anything my boss asks me?"
o "Because you don't say ‘no’ to authority figures."
§ "Why can't I say ‘no’ to authority figures?"
o "Because I might get into trouble."
§ "Why would I get into trouble?"
Perhaps the answer is that she regularly got into trouble when she defied her parents so she carries into adulthood an assumption - a core belief – that she shouldn’t challenge authority. To change her passiveness she needs to challenge this core belief. She could question if any colleagues have ever gotten into trouble when they’ve said they couldn't get something done. If she can’t find evidence of this she needs to honestly explain to her boss why she cannot finish everything. She could ask the boss to prioritize her work for her. If there’s evidence that the boss punishes those who set limits she’d need to decide whether or not she could live with that.
Being chained to past programming can be extremely limiting and stressful. Core beliefs that confine you can be reprogrammed. No doubt it takes time and effort, but it can be some of the most freeing work you'll ever do.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops (like Slow Down You Move Too Fast at FGCU on March19) on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
February 12, 2008
Everyone has core beliefs that drive their reactions to all of life’s situations. These are mostly established in early childhood and are very difficult to shake. But if you want to get off the treadmill of automatically reacting out of childhood programming and expand your options for reacting differently you must identify, challenge and adjust your limiting core beliefs.
At the heart of all perceptions are these beliefs. For example, a core belief that people are good and to be trusted allows you to put faith in others. However, if you believe people are untrustworthy you’ll view others suspiciously. These entirely different perceptions, based on core beliefs, will lead to drastically different relationships.
To identify core beliefs driving your stressful reactions, allowing you to challenge and ultimately modify them to respond more productively, use the Repetitive Why Technique.
For instance, much of Irene's stress comes from being a pleaser. She overextends herself to help others to the detriment of taking care of herself, she says what others want to hear, and she says "yes" when she wants to say "no."
One day her boss needed something done by 2 p.m. Irene knew she wouldn't be able to get it done given her other responsibilities, but instead of saying so she said, "okay." To be more honest she needs to identify and change her underlying core belief, which paves the way for her to set appropriate limits.
With the Repetitive Why Technique ask, "why" repeatedly regarding your reactions. She would ask herself why she didn’t tell her boss the truth. For each answer she’d ask why again. It might go something like this:
§ "Why did I say I'd get the work done when I know I can't?"
o "Because she's my boss, I have to do what she tells me."
§ "Why do I think I have to say "yes" to anything my boss asks me?"
o "Because you don't say ‘no’ to authority figures."
§ "Why can't I say ‘no’ to authority figures?"
o "Because I might get into trouble."
§ "Why would I get into trouble?"
Perhaps the answer is that she regularly got into trouble when she defied her parents so she carries into adulthood an assumption - a core belief – that she shouldn’t challenge authority. To change her passiveness she needs to challenge this core belief. She could question if any colleagues have ever gotten into trouble when they’ve said they couldn't get something done. If she can’t find evidence of this she needs to honestly explain to her boss why she cannot finish everything. She could ask the boss to prioritize her work for her. If there’s evidence that the boss punishes those who set limits she’d need to decide whether or not she could live with that.
Being chained to past programming can be extremely limiting and stressful. Core beliefs that confine you can be reprogrammed. No doubt it takes time and effort, but it can be some of the most freeing work you'll ever do.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops (like Slow Down You Move Too Fast at FGCU on March19) on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Be careful how you tell your story
Stress for Success
February 5, 2008
Consider a woman who died from pancreatic cancer at age 55. Before she died she often joked that the three loves of her life - over eating, smoking and drinking - were killing her.
Cindy's life was never easy. She was adopted by people who shouldn't have been allowed to adopt. The mother generously meted out cruel and unusual punishment, smothering Cindy's self-confidence, like not allowing her as an adolescent to wash her hair for weeks on end. The father did his wife's bidding by beating Cindy with the belt at a time when society denied child abuse.
Her life started out so promising. Cindy was a beautiful child and her mother proudly entered her into child modeling shows. But as Cindy progressed through grade school she gained significant weight, reaching more than 200 pounds by sixth grade. No more modeling for her.
When Cindy explained why things "never" worked out for her she'd tell her story in a way that depicted her as helpless with no options to change anything. For instance, in her 40s she desperately wanted to buy a house but never attempted to get a loan, explaining, "Nobody's going to loan me money." Or not asking for a raise because, "I’m probably not worth it."
Be careful how you tell the story of your life. If it's a dead-end story you're probably living a dead-end life.
As I've written many times, to lower your stress you must invest your energy where you have control. Cindy had no control over what her parents did to her. Therapy could have helped her deal with that partly by teaching her how to tell her story in a way that put her in the driver's seat of her own life. It may have created a different outcome for her.
Instead she expressed her core beliefs through how she told her story: "I’m unworthy," "Life's stacked against me," and "I am unlovable." This final one explains why Cindy never dated in high school and why as an adult her only "male companions" were married and unavailable. She never married.
Cindy self medicated throughout her adult life through her three loves, topping out at 270 pounds.
After both of her adoptive parents died she met her biological family. In a picture of her and her birth mother you couldn't tell them apart; both pushing 300 pounds and facially looking like twins. Getting to know her birth family, all of whom were obese, finally gave Cindy and identity. It was like her adoptive mother's criticisms were finally put to rest, giving Cindy great peace.
How do you tell your story, especially the tough parts? Are you acted upon by and do you blame outside forces that leave you powerless to change anything? Or are you in the driver's seat of the outcome of your stories?
Trust me, how you tell your story becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you are dissatisfied with your life, start turning it around by revising how you tell your story. Change it in ways that put you in charge of creating the outcomes you want.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops (like Slow Down You Move Too Fast at FGCU on March19) on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
February 5, 2008
Consider a woman who died from pancreatic cancer at age 55. Before she died she often joked that the three loves of her life - over eating, smoking and drinking - were killing her.
Cindy's life was never easy. She was adopted by people who shouldn't have been allowed to adopt. The mother generously meted out cruel and unusual punishment, smothering Cindy's self-confidence, like not allowing her as an adolescent to wash her hair for weeks on end. The father did his wife's bidding by beating Cindy with the belt at a time when society denied child abuse.
Her life started out so promising. Cindy was a beautiful child and her mother proudly entered her into child modeling shows. But as Cindy progressed through grade school she gained significant weight, reaching more than 200 pounds by sixth grade. No more modeling for her.
When Cindy explained why things "never" worked out for her she'd tell her story in a way that depicted her as helpless with no options to change anything. For instance, in her 40s she desperately wanted to buy a house but never attempted to get a loan, explaining, "Nobody's going to loan me money." Or not asking for a raise because, "I’m probably not worth it."
Be careful how you tell the story of your life. If it's a dead-end story you're probably living a dead-end life.
As I've written many times, to lower your stress you must invest your energy where you have control. Cindy had no control over what her parents did to her. Therapy could have helped her deal with that partly by teaching her how to tell her story in a way that put her in the driver's seat of her own life. It may have created a different outcome for her.
Instead she expressed her core beliefs through how she told her story: "I’m unworthy," "Life's stacked against me," and "I am unlovable." This final one explains why Cindy never dated in high school and why as an adult her only "male companions" were married and unavailable. She never married.
Cindy self medicated throughout her adult life through her three loves, topping out at 270 pounds.
After both of her adoptive parents died she met her biological family. In a picture of her and her birth mother you couldn't tell them apart; both pushing 300 pounds and facially looking like twins. Getting to know her birth family, all of whom were obese, finally gave Cindy and identity. It was like her adoptive mother's criticisms were finally put to rest, giving Cindy great peace.
How do you tell your story, especially the tough parts? Are you acted upon by and do you blame outside forces that leave you powerless to change anything? Or are you in the driver's seat of the outcome of your stories?
Trust me, how you tell your story becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you are dissatisfied with your life, start turning it around by revising how you tell your story. Change it in ways that put you in charge of creating the outcomes you want.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops (like Slow Down You Move Too Fast at FGCU on March19) on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Tackle the hard work of stress management to improve your life
Perceptions can often be blamed for stress
Stress for Success
January 29, 2008
§ “You see the world not as it is but as you are.” -- Stephen Covey, author
§ You are what you think you are. Your perceptions become your reality.
§ Be careful how you tell your story.
§ Wherever your thoughts are going that’s where you are going.
§ "It's not what happens to you that matters but what you do with it." -- Source Unknown
In other words, stress is in the mind of the beholder. How you view the world and interpret your experiences determine what kind of stress, not to mention life, you have. They determine which options you can see therefore how well you solve your stressors and the resiliency you have (or don’t have) to stress.
Since how you “behold” situations determines whether or not you’re stressed by them, doesn’t it behoove you to be more aware of how you are beholding?
This is the difficult part of stress management because it requires you to accept that life isn’t necessarily causing your stress. How you look at it usually is. (This is communicated to you through your thoughts about the situation.) You most likely assume your interpretations (thoughts) of situations are correct and may not be willing to concede that sometimes you are your own biggest stressor, but that’s basically what you have to consider.
For example, you and I work for the same critical boss. Each time he criticizes me I fold like a house of cards and whine about him to friends and family. You let his criticisms roll off your back. The same situation produces two entirely different results because you and I interpret the criticism differently. In short, I'm probably taking it personally and you aren't.
When you notice that you’re more stressed than is another person in the same situation it's an indicator that maybe, just maybe, your perceptions ARE your stress, which means you can’t trust what you’re thinking. Instead of assuming your perception is accurate find factual proof. If you say "he's always criticizing me" find proof of "always". It's highly unlikely that anyone always does anything. Literally count the number of times in one week that he criticizes you and when you complain about him substitute "three times this week he criticized me" for “he always criticizes me.”
This doesn't mean that your perceptions are automatically “wrong”. Everyone interprets life based on their lifelong experiences, temperament and possibly even genetics. They are such a part of you that you don't even pay particular attention to them, you just tend not to question them. To lower your stress however you'll need to develop a healthy skepticism about your own interpretations, especially when red flags are waving, telling you not to trust what you're thinking.
How can you know when your interpretation of a stressor is more responsible for your stress than is the situation itself? It’s not easy and next week we’ll consider one particular red flag, how you tell your story, and how it can imprison you in a stressful life pattern.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Perceptions can often be blamed for stress
Stress for Success
January 29, 2008
§ “You see the world not as it is but as you are.” -- Stephen Covey, author
§ You are what you think you are. Your perceptions become your reality.
§ Be careful how you tell your story.
§ Wherever your thoughts are going that’s where you are going.
§ "It's not what happens to you that matters but what you do with it." -- Source Unknown
In other words, stress is in the mind of the beholder. How you view the world and interpret your experiences determine what kind of stress, not to mention life, you have. They determine which options you can see therefore how well you solve your stressors and the resiliency you have (or don’t have) to stress.
Since how you “behold” situations determines whether or not you’re stressed by them, doesn’t it behoove you to be more aware of how you are beholding?
This is the difficult part of stress management because it requires you to accept that life isn’t necessarily causing your stress. How you look at it usually is. (This is communicated to you through your thoughts about the situation.) You most likely assume your interpretations (thoughts) of situations are correct and may not be willing to concede that sometimes you are your own biggest stressor, but that’s basically what you have to consider.
For example, you and I work for the same critical boss. Each time he criticizes me I fold like a house of cards and whine about him to friends and family. You let his criticisms roll off your back. The same situation produces two entirely different results because you and I interpret the criticism differently. In short, I'm probably taking it personally and you aren't.
When you notice that you’re more stressed than is another person in the same situation it's an indicator that maybe, just maybe, your perceptions ARE your stress, which means you can’t trust what you’re thinking. Instead of assuming your perception is accurate find factual proof. If you say "he's always criticizing me" find proof of "always". It's highly unlikely that anyone always does anything. Literally count the number of times in one week that he criticizes you and when you complain about him substitute "three times this week he criticized me" for “he always criticizes me.”
This doesn't mean that your perceptions are automatically “wrong”. Everyone interprets life based on their lifelong experiences, temperament and possibly even genetics. They are such a part of you that you don't even pay particular attention to them, you just tend not to question them. To lower your stress however you'll need to develop a healthy skepticism about your own interpretations, especially when red flags are waving, telling you not to trust what you're thinking.
How can you know when your interpretation of a stressor is more responsible for your stress than is the situation itself? It’s not easy and next week we’ll consider one particular red flag, how you tell your story, and how it can imprison you in a stressful life pattern.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Practice the easy part of stress management
Stress for Success
January 22, 2008
"It's easier said than done," is something I hear frequently about stress management recommendations.
I've been teaching this subject for over 20 years and have discovered that most people don’t want to do the hard work of stress reduction -- challenging your interpretation of stressful situations. Most of your stress isn’t from what happens to you but rather from how you interpret it. Stress is in the mind of the beholder.
For example, you're stressed by a coworker’s near-constant negativity. "She drives me nuts!” you complain. "Somebody put a sock in her mouth!" This implies that she's making you stressed and she should change.
However, she's not the cause of your stress. Your interpretation of her negativity is what’s driving you nuts.
By not admitting that we’re causing much of our stress, we avoid the difficult work of challenging our thinking; it’s not easy. So it's true, stress management advice is easier said than done.
When you're not willing to consider that you’re the source of your own stress, the minimum you can do is to practice stress management basics, including:
§ Schedule daily rest breaks in proportion to the amount of stress you experience so your mind and body can recover. If you experience chronic stress (elevated stress that lasts month after month) it's even more important that you schedule multiple Stress Breaks into your daily life, such as a few seconds of deep breathing several times a day, 20 to 30 minutes of deep relaxation numerous times a week, a minimum of 30 minutes of exercise several times a week, a good night’s sleep on a regular basis, etc. Practicing enough Stress Breaks protects you from the ravages of stress.
Appreciating Stress Breaks’ benefits also leads to a greater perception of control (more self efficacy, which I wrote about last week), automatically lowering your overall stress.
§ Limit exaggerated thinking. Where ever your thoughts are going that's where you are going. Your aggravated and judgmental thoughts about your colleague mean you’re going towards stress. To lower your stress it's better to think about her in a problem-solving way like, "What are my options in dealing with her negativity?" Because she’s beyond your control your options must be ones that are within your control versus expecting her to change.
§ This requires an understanding and an acceptance regarding what’s within and what’s beyond your control regarding your stressor. In essence, everything about everybody else is beyond your control; their personalities, habits and reactions. Your choice of reactions is within your control. That’s why your only options for dealing with your negative coworker are ones that require you do something different, like not letting her bother you or gossiping with others about her, versus hoping she'll change.
You'd be wise when your thinking is very emotional and exaggerated to assume that you’re part of the problem and to challenge your thinking. In the meantime, by practicing these stress management basics you’ll at least lower your stress and facilitate doing the hard work of stress reduction when you’re ready to challenge your interpretations.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
January 22, 2008
"It's easier said than done," is something I hear frequently about stress management recommendations.
I've been teaching this subject for over 20 years and have discovered that most people don’t want to do the hard work of stress reduction -- challenging your interpretation of stressful situations. Most of your stress isn’t from what happens to you but rather from how you interpret it. Stress is in the mind of the beholder.
For example, you're stressed by a coworker’s near-constant negativity. "She drives me nuts!” you complain. "Somebody put a sock in her mouth!" This implies that she's making you stressed and she should change.
However, she's not the cause of your stress. Your interpretation of her negativity is what’s driving you nuts.
By not admitting that we’re causing much of our stress, we avoid the difficult work of challenging our thinking; it’s not easy. So it's true, stress management advice is easier said than done.
When you're not willing to consider that you’re the source of your own stress, the minimum you can do is to practice stress management basics, including:
§ Schedule daily rest breaks in proportion to the amount of stress you experience so your mind and body can recover. If you experience chronic stress (elevated stress that lasts month after month) it's even more important that you schedule multiple Stress Breaks into your daily life, such as a few seconds of deep breathing several times a day, 20 to 30 minutes of deep relaxation numerous times a week, a minimum of 30 minutes of exercise several times a week, a good night’s sleep on a regular basis, etc. Practicing enough Stress Breaks protects you from the ravages of stress.
Appreciating Stress Breaks’ benefits also leads to a greater perception of control (more self efficacy, which I wrote about last week), automatically lowering your overall stress.
§ Limit exaggerated thinking. Where ever your thoughts are going that's where you are going. Your aggravated and judgmental thoughts about your colleague mean you’re going towards stress. To lower your stress it's better to think about her in a problem-solving way like, "What are my options in dealing with her negativity?" Because she’s beyond your control your options must be ones that are within your control versus expecting her to change.
§ This requires an understanding and an acceptance regarding what’s within and what’s beyond your control regarding your stressor. In essence, everything about everybody else is beyond your control; their personalities, habits and reactions. Your choice of reactions is within your control. That’s why your only options for dealing with your negative coworker are ones that require you do something different, like not letting her bother you or gossiping with others about her, versus hoping she'll change.
You'd be wise when your thinking is very emotional and exaggerated to assume that you’re part of the problem and to challenge your thinking. In the meantime, by practicing these stress management basics you’ll at least lower your stress and facilitate doing the hard work of stress reduction when you’re ready to challenge your interpretations.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Let your body tell you how to achieve a healthy balance
Stress for Success
January 15, 2008
Given that your assessment of your own health (from poor to excellent) predicts your future health and longevity better than a thorough review of your medical records it only benefits you if you pay attention to what your body tells you.
Your body always tells you the truth about how it’s functioning. Paying attention to its subtle and not-so-subtle messages helps you moderate your stress and your habits to help restore your body to a healthy balance – if you choose to. This is particularly important when a physical problem persists.
For instance, Tony (not his real name) had nagging back pain. It hadn’t occurred to him that his body was speaking to him through the discomfort. However, he learned to pay closer attention to what was happening in his life when his back acted up and quickly pinpointed the problem causing it through the journaling technique below.
Tony discovered that his back tightened up every time he paid his bills or worried about his finances. In other words, he was expressing financial stress through back muscle tension. Now he had something he could problem-solve on. He gained this insight by communicating with his body. It told him very quickly what his stressor was and what he needed to do to decrease it.
Use the following technique regularly to stay in touch with your body to reduce the physical consequences of your stress. Before you begin, have a piece of paper and a pen handy.
· Sit comfortably and take a few deep breaths to relax. When you feel ready, close your eyes and scan your body slowly. Start by becoming aware of the top of your head, move down to your forehead and eyes. Notice any signs of discomfort, tension or pain. Focus on the rest of your face, your jaws, your head and down through your neck, into your shoulders and down through your arms and into your hands and fingers.
Notice your torso, both front and back, continuing to look for signs of discomfort. Move down through your hips, your legs and into your feet and toes.
Let your mind go back to just one part of your body that is particularly uncomfortable and focus on that discomfort for a moment ….
If this part of your body could talk to you, what would it tell you to do to decrease your stress?
Take your pen and paper and write a letter to yourself from that part of your body. “Dear ____,” and let the uncomfortable part of your body tell you what’s causing the discomfort and what to do about it. Let the words flow without conscious effort.
It was through this activity that Tony made the connection between backaches and financial worries. After he worked to reduce his financial stress his back started to relax more and over time the pain disappeared.
Generally, if you allow the letter to “write itself” without conscious effort, you’ll receive good guidance. Now you just have to follow your own good advice.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
January 15, 2008
Given that your assessment of your own health (from poor to excellent) predicts your future health and longevity better than a thorough review of your medical records it only benefits you if you pay attention to what your body tells you.
Your body always tells you the truth about how it’s functioning. Paying attention to its subtle and not-so-subtle messages helps you moderate your stress and your habits to help restore your body to a healthy balance – if you choose to. This is particularly important when a physical problem persists.
For instance, Tony (not his real name) had nagging back pain. It hadn’t occurred to him that his body was speaking to him through the discomfort. However, he learned to pay closer attention to what was happening in his life when his back acted up and quickly pinpointed the problem causing it through the journaling technique below.
Tony discovered that his back tightened up every time he paid his bills or worried about his finances. In other words, he was expressing financial stress through back muscle tension. Now he had something he could problem-solve on. He gained this insight by communicating with his body. It told him very quickly what his stressor was and what he needed to do to decrease it.
Use the following technique regularly to stay in touch with your body to reduce the physical consequences of your stress. Before you begin, have a piece of paper and a pen handy.
· Sit comfortably and take a few deep breaths to relax. When you feel ready, close your eyes and scan your body slowly. Start by becoming aware of the top of your head, move down to your forehead and eyes. Notice any signs of discomfort, tension or pain. Focus on the rest of your face, your jaws, your head and down through your neck, into your shoulders and down through your arms and into your hands and fingers.
Notice your torso, both front and back, continuing to look for signs of discomfort. Move down through your hips, your legs and into your feet and toes.
Let your mind go back to just one part of your body that is particularly uncomfortable and focus on that discomfort for a moment ….
If this part of your body could talk to you, what would it tell you to do to decrease your stress?
Take your pen and paper and write a letter to yourself from that part of your body. “Dear ____,” and let the uncomfortable part of your body tell you what’s causing the discomfort and what to do about it. Let the words flow without conscious effort.
It was through this activity that Tony made the connection between backaches and financial worries. After he worked to reduce his financial stress his back started to relax more and over time the pain disappeared.
Generally, if you allow the letter to “write itself” without conscious effort, you’ll receive good guidance. Now you just have to follow your own good advice.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Overcome yes-but and the procrastination it causes
Stress for Success
January 8, 2008
If you want to be a successful procrastinator use the sure-fire technique, the yes-but. "Yes I know that I need to get that done, but not now." It works because it’s obvious what usually follows the but … nothing. "I'd love to apply for that job, but I'm probably not qualified." The yes indicates your interest in the job and the but is the excuse you need to put off trying to get it.
Are you a yes-buter? Dr. Arthur Freeman and Rose DeWolf, authors of The 10 Dumbest Mistakes Smart People Make, say a common reason you may procrastinate in uncomfortable situations is because you have a low tolerance for frustration. But since frustration is a fact of life you'll need to tolerate disagreeable circumstances better if you expect to overcome this very effective stalling practice.
Acknowledging the unpleasantness of your task can help. But don’t go overboard. If your self-talk exaggerates how distasteful the job is you’ll be right back into yes-but. Instead, consciously acknowledge the due date of your commitment and at minimum create a plan of action as described below.
Ultimately, to stop delaying you’ll need to change your yes-but to yes-and. Instead of, "I'd love to apply for that job, but I doubt I'm qualified", say "Yes, I'd love to apply for that job and I need to find out what the qualifications are." Yes-but gives you excuses. Yes-and shows you the steps you need to take.
"Delay is the deadliest form of denial," C. Northcote Parkinson said. So when you hear yourself use the yes-but as an excuse for procrastination immediately do the following:
• Write your project’s goal, e.g., "I want this job."
• Next, list all of the steps you’d need to take to get it, breaking them down
into bite-size pieces:
– Get the phone number for and call the organization for which you want to work
– Ask about the qualifications and if meet them get an application
– Fill out and send in the application
– Follow up with a phone call to the company
– Etc.
• Write down a deadline for each and every step.
• Then commit to each step, one by one. As Mao Tse-tung said, "The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step." Put one foot in front of the other and take one step at a time.
If you’re unwilling to follow through with these steps, decrease your stress by admitting to yourself that you have no intention of looking for this and possibly other jobs. Being honest with yourself about it means you’re being conscious of your choices. “I choose to not pursue this job because I assume I’m not qualified.” Staying conscious increases the likelihood that one day you’ll make a different choice. Perhaps you’ll even pursue a job you fear you’re not qualified for by throwing caution to the wind and researching whether or not you are.
Get out of the nothing-can-be-done mode and instead focus on a starting point. Each time you hear yourself say yes-but stop yourself and instead say yes-and to see what the implied action steps are that you can begin right now! Then start your journey one step at a time.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her mission is to inspire people to live conscious lives of personal responsibility in relations with themselves, with others. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
January 8, 2008
If you want to be a successful procrastinator use the sure-fire technique, the yes-but. "Yes I know that I need to get that done, but not now." It works because it’s obvious what usually follows the but … nothing. "I'd love to apply for that job, but I'm probably not qualified." The yes indicates your interest in the job and the but is the excuse you need to put off trying to get it.
Are you a yes-buter? Dr. Arthur Freeman and Rose DeWolf, authors of The 10 Dumbest Mistakes Smart People Make, say a common reason you may procrastinate in uncomfortable situations is because you have a low tolerance for frustration. But since frustration is a fact of life you'll need to tolerate disagreeable circumstances better if you expect to overcome this very effective stalling practice.
Acknowledging the unpleasantness of your task can help. But don’t go overboard. If your self-talk exaggerates how distasteful the job is you’ll be right back into yes-but. Instead, consciously acknowledge the due date of your commitment and at minimum create a plan of action as described below.
Ultimately, to stop delaying you’ll need to change your yes-but to yes-and. Instead of, "I'd love to apply for that job, but I doubt I'm qualified", say "Yes, I'd love to apply for that job and I need to find out what the qualifications are." Yes-but gives you excuses. Yes-and shows you the steps you need to take.
"Delay is the deadliest form of denial," C. Northcote Parkinson said. So when you hear yourself use the yes-but as an excuse for procrastination immediately do the following:
• Write your project’s goal, e.g., "I want this job."
• Next, list all of the steps you’d need to take to get it, breaking them down
into bite-size pieces:
– Get the phone number for and call the organization for which you want to work
– Ask about the qualifications and if meet them get an application
– Fill out and send in the application
– Follow up with a phone call to the company
– Etc.
• Write down a deadline for each and every step.
• Then commit to each step, one by one. As Mao Tse-tung said, "The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step." Put one foot in front of the other and take one step at a time.
If you’re unwilling to follow through with these steps, decrease your stress by admitting to yourself that you have no intention of looking for this and possibly other jobs. Being honest with yourself about it means you’re being conscious of your choices. “I choose to not pursue this job because I assume I’m not qualified.” Staying conscious increases the likelihood that one day you’ll make a different choice. Perhaps you’ll even pursue a job you fear you’re not qualified for by throwing caution to the wind and researching whether or not you are.
Get out of the nothing-can-be-done mode and instead focus on a starting point. Each time you hear yourself say yes-but stop yourself and instead say yes-and to see what the implied action steps are that you can begin right now! Then start your journey one step at a time.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her mission is to inspire people to live conscious lives of personal responsibility in relations with themselves, with others. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Try these ways to improve your health this year
Stress for Success
January 1, 2008
I’m not big on New Year’s resolutions that are never accomplished because unmet goals create stress. So don’t think about the following as resolutions but simply areas that you could improve upon to enhance your longevity and quality of life.
These ideas are also hugely important to stress reduction because they promote "self -efficacy,” meaning that your actions bring about your desired outcomes, translating into greater personal control. A perception of having control automatically reduces your stress. Self-efficacy leads to improved problem-solving, as well, because you feel empowered to look for additional options in dealing with life's ups and downs.
Here are six ideas, reported in Psychology Today, that are backed by accumulating research on how to extend your lifespan.
According to the Journal of Gerontology to add years to your life stay physically active (duh!), whether by walking, biking or gardening. The great news is it works even if you’ve been historically sedentary. Additionally, “… six months of regular aerobic exercise can also reverse the loss of brain tissue that occurs with aging.” Regular physical activity also improves your mood.
Another finding is that lifelong use of two languages promotes longevity by delaying the onset of dementia by four years. Bilingualism "enhances brain vasculature and neural plasticity and increases your attention and cognitive control." The Internet makes learning languages easier. Through our local library you can access a wonderful language learning site called Rosetta Stone. Hurry, though, because I've heard it won’t remain free much longer.
Here’s some great news for wine lovers. According to Current Biology the phytonutrient resveratrol in red grapes and red wine counter aging the same way calorie restriction does. "Both activate a family of enzymes that slow the body’s metabolic machinery and offset the damage of a high calorie diet." Sounds good to me!
The Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health has two suggestions for longevity. "Living in the mountains promotes longevity even if you have high blood lipids and high blood pressure. Adaptation to altitude helps the body cope with lower levels of oxygen, and walking uphill regularly aids the heart."
They also report that close family ties are nice, but having a network of good friends boosts lifespan in old age. Being connected positively influences many physical systems, offsetting stress.
Finally, Psychosomatic Medicine reports that a good marriage counteracts the wear and tear of life on multiple body systems.
So here you have a variety of ideas to increase your lifespan throughout this New Year; drink more red wine, improve your marriage, put more energy into making and keeping great friends, move to the mountains, and as always, exercise more.
If you know in your heart of hearts that you need to improve in any of these areas, over the next year focus on a realistic and attainable goal to do just that. Make it a priority and go for it and see if on New Year's Eve 2009 you're not happy that you did.
Have a wonderful New Year.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
January 1, 2008
I’m not big on New Year’s resolutions that are never accomplished because unmet goals create stress. So don’t think about the following as resolutions but simply areas that you could improve upon to enhance your longevity and quality of life.
These ideas are also hugely important to stress reduction because they promote "self -efficacy,” meaning that your actions bring about your desired outcomes, translating into greater personal control. A perception of having control automatically reduces your stress. Self-efficacy leads to improved problem-solving, as well, because you feel empowered to look for additional options in dealing with life's ups and downs.
Here are six ideas, reported in Psychology Today, that are backed by accumulating research on how to extend your lifespan.
According to the Journal of Gerontology to add years to your life stay physically active (duh!), whether by walking, biking or gardening. The great news is it works even if you’ve been historically sedentary. Additionally, “… six months of regular aerobic exercise can also reverse the loss of brain tissue that occurs with aging.” Regular physical activity also improves your mood.
Another finding is that lifelong use of two languages promotes longevity by delaying the onset of dementia by four years. Bilingualism "enhances brain vasculature and neural plasticity and increases your attention and cognitive control." The Internet makes learning languages easier. Through our local library you can access a wonderful language learning site called Rosetta Stone. Hurry, though, because I've heard it won’t remain free much longer.
Here’s some great news for wine lovers. According to Current Biology the phytonutrient resveratrol in red grapes and red wine counter aging the same way calorie restriction does. "Both activate a family of enzymes that slow the body’s metabolic machinery and offset the damage of a high calorie diet." Sounds good to me!
The Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health has two suggestions for longevity. "Living in the mountains promotes longevity even if you have high blood lipids and high blood pressure. Adaptation to altitude helps the body cope with lower levels of oxygen, and walking uphill regularly aids the heart."
They also report that close family ties are nice, but having a network of good friends boosts lifespan in old age. Being connected positively influences many physical systems, offsetting stress.
Finally, Psychosomatic Medicine reports that a good marriage counteracts the wear and tear of life on multiple body systems.
So here you have a variety of ideas to increase your lifespan throughout this New Year; drink more red wine, improve your marriage, put more energy into making and keeping great friends, move to the mountains, and as always, exercise more.
If you know in your heart of hearts that you need to improve in any of these areas, over the next year focus on a realistic and attainable goal to do just that. Make it a priority and go for it and see if on New Year's Eve 2009 you're not happy that you did.
Have a wonderful New Year.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Enjoy Christmas, overcome stress
Stress for Success
December 25, 2007
The shopping is done, the gifts are wrapped, dinner’s ready (all of the gifts will be opened and the food consumed in a tiny fraction of the time it took prepare it), the family and the guests are gathering. It’s show time! It’s time to enjoy your loved ones and the reasons you celebrate today.
To enjoy today more with less stress focus on what Christmas means to you.
Christian beliefs celebrate the values of love, joy, hope and charity, etc. So when your sister Jean drives you nuts with her argumentative ways focus on your meaning of Christmas, which I assume includes love. Practice an underappreciated Christian value; acceptance of others as they are. (“Judge not lest ye be judged.”) Your aggravation with her won’t change her ways, it just aggravates you. Accept her and love her as she is (take a deep breath).
If you have a secular belief system Christmas is probably about gathering with loved ones. So when someone imbibes too much challenge yourself to look beyond it and to appreciate something about him; albeit perhaps when he’s sober.
For some, today is very painful because of the loss of a loved one. I wish there were words of wisdom to make this day less stressful. Certainly staying busy tends to help. But ultimately, grieving seems to require going through the difficult emotions vs. ignoring them or avoiding them. Journaling can help but probably just a little.
To find greater pleasure in today devise and repeat a mantra throughout the day, especially when something or someone is getting on your nerves. Identify two to three ways you need to “be” to side-step possible hassles. Would you need to be more patient? Less judgmental? A better listener? More assertive? Less Assertive? Calmer? Less defensive? Precede the two to three ways you need to be with, "I am …"
My favorite affirmation that I’ve used dozens of times over years is, "I'm calm and relaxed, accepting and gracious." It worked so well in the original situation for which I devised it that I've used it to center myself ever since. When I have it on my mind before I'm in a situation that’s likely to trigger me, I virtually always remain calm and relaxed, accepting and gracious. However, once I let my emotions get triggered, it's difficult to respond graciously.
Granted, it's a bit late to expect a new affirmation to work 100% for you, but by creating one right now and repeating it throughout the especially challenging moments today, you’ll center yourself so you can more likely “rise above” (as my mother always said) the events that trigger your stress reaction. Whenever you feel your blood pressure rising repeat your affirmation over and over (and take a deep breath).
Use your affirmation to bring yourself back to center to increase your ability to “be” as you want to be today.
Merry Christmas and strive to remain centered.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization. Stress for Success
Stress for Success
December 25, 2007
The shopping is done, the gifts are wrapped, dinner’s ready (all of the gifts will be opened and the food consumed in a tiny fraction of the time it took prepare it), the family and the guests are gathering. It’s show time! It’s time to enjoy your loved ones and the reasons you celebrate today.
To enjoy today more with less stress focus on what Christmas means to you.
Christian beliefs celebrate the values of love, joy, hope and charity, etc. So when your sister Jean drives you nuts with her argumentative ways focus on your meaning of Christmas, which I assume includes love. Practice an underappreciated Christian value; acceptance of others as they are. (“Judge not lest ye be judged.”) Your aggravation with her won’t change her ways, it just aggravates you. Accept her and love her as she is (take a deep breath).
If you have a secular belief system Christmas is probably about gathering with loved ones. So when someone imbibes too much challenge yourself to look beyond it and to appreciate something about him; albeit perhaps when he’s sober.
For some, today is very painful because of the loss of a loved one. I wish there were words of wisdom to make this day less stressful. Certainly staying busy tends to help. But ultimately, grieving seems to require going through the difficult emotions vs. ignoring them or avoiding them. Journaling can help but probably just a little.
To find greater pleasure in today devise and repeat a mantra throughout the day, especially when something or someone is getting on your nerves. Identify two to three ways you need to “be” to side-step possible hassles. Would you need to be more patient? Less judgmental? A better listener? More assertive? Less Assertive? Calmer? Less defensive? Precede the two to three ways you need to be with, "I am …"
My favorite affirmation that I’ve used dozens of times over years is, "I'm calm and relaxed, accepting and gracious." It worked so well in the original situation for which I devised it that I've used it to center myself ever since. When I have it on my mind before I'm in a situation that’s likely to trigger me, I virtually always remain calm and relaxed, accepting and gracious. However, once I let my emotions get triggered, it's difficult to respond graciously.
Granted, it's a bit late to expect a new affirmation to work 100% for you, but by creating one right now and repeating it throughout the especially challenging moments today, you’ll center yourself so you can more likely “rise above” (as my mother always said) the events that trigger your stress reaction. Whenever you feel your blood pressure rising repeat your affirmation over and over (and take a deep breath).
Use your affirmation to bring yourself back to center to increase your ability to “be” as you want to be today.
Merry Christmas and strive to remain centered.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization. Stress for Success
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Shop for gift of reason
Stress for Success
December 18, 2007
Think about what you’re buying vs. what you need
There are only seven more shopping days until Christmas! You'd better hurry!
Or so Madison Avenue would have you believe. But before you buy another gift for your kids, consider this research.
Lan Nguyen Chaplin of the University of Illinois and Deborah Roedder John of the University of Minnesota found that materialistic values, like preferring "nice sports equipment" to "being good at sports", increases between the ages of eight and nine, and 12 and 13. And it’s not surprising that children with low self-esteem value possessions much more than kids with higher self-esteem.
So if you want to give your kids the best Christmas gift ever, spend more time with them and teach them something new, which enhances their competence thus their self-esteem.
Deprivation can also lead to excessive materialism like for those who felt inadequate growing up in a poor household. On the opposite end of the economic scale, if money, status and image were very important to your parents, you may be more materialistic than your friends.
We’re also brainwashed by the media to buy, buy, buy. Advertisers imply greater happiness if you buy their product; has that ever worked for you? Doubtful.
Judith Levine, author of “Not buying it: my year without shopping”, bought only the necessities for an entire year. She not only saved $8,000 she also spent more time with friends and did more meaningful work. She said she felt liberated and also lonely and bored because she couldn’t do things that cost money but still had to replace her shopper’s “high”.
To cut back on buying things Levine recommends:
▪ Research the history and craftsmanship behind products to help you develop your own tastes versus advertisers’.
▪ When you obsess about shopping distract yourself with non-shopping activities, like exercising, reading or volunteering.
▪ See yourself less as a consumer and more as one who pursues what brings you passion and joy. When you spend, do it on what truly makes you happy in the long run versus the short run.
Also, think before you pull out your credit card:
▪ Differentiate between what you “want” and “need”. You need to eat to survive; you want an expensive meal at that trendy new restaurant.
▪ Before you buy something, weight the possible disadvantages versus the benefits of owning it.
▪ Ask yourself why you want something. If it’s to lift your spirits remember if it works at all it works only temporarily. If it's to improve your status remind yourself that extrinsic rewards (e.g., the sporting equipment) don’t work. Intrinsic rewards (e.g., developing your athletic skills) create true self-esteem.
With this year’s less stable economy it’s a good time to reevaluate your spending habits. Don't buy just for the sake of buying. Instead of racing around madly searching for the perfect gift that’s too soon forgotten and too little appreciated, why not spend time with that person doing something interesting as their Christmas gift instead? It won’t be as good for the economy but it’ll be much better for yours.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
December 18, 2007
Think about what you’re buying vs. what you need
There are only seven more shopping days until Christmas! You'd better hurry!
Or so Madison Avenue would have you believe. But before you buy another gift for your kids, consider this research.
Lan Nguyen Chaplin of the University of Illinois and Deborah Roedder John of the University of Minnesota found that materialistic values, like preferring "nice sports equipment" to "being good at sports", increases between the ages of eight and nine, and 12 and 13. And it’s not surprising that children with low self-esteem value possessions much more than kids with higher self-esteem.
So if you want to give your kids the best Christmas gift ever, spend more time with them and teach them something new, which enhances their competence thus their self-esteem.
Deprivation can also lead to excessive materialism like for those who felt inadequate growing up in a poor household. On the opposite end of the economic scale, if money, status and image were very important to your parents, you may be more materialistic than your friends.
We’re also brainwashed by the media to buy, buy, buy. Advertisers imply greater happiness if you buy their product; has that ever worked for you? Doubtful.
Judith Levine, author of “Not buying it: my year without shopping”, bought only the necessities for an entire year. She not only saved $8,000 she also spent more time with friends and did more meaningful work. She said she felt liberated and also lonely and bored because she couldn’t do things that cost money but still had to replace her shopper’s “high”.
To cut back on buying things Levine recommends:
▪ Research the history and craftsmanship behind products to help you develop your own tastes versus advertisers’.
▪ When you obsess about shopping distract yourself with non-shopping activities, like exercising, reading or volunteering.
▪ See yourself less as a consumer and more as one who pursues what brings you passion and joy. When you spend, do it on what truly makes you happy in the long run versus the short run.
Also, think before you pull out your credit card:
▪ Differentiate between what you “want” and “need”. You need to eat to survive; you want an expensive meal at that trendy new restaurant.
▪ Before you buy something, weight the possible disadvantages versus the benefits of owning it.
▪ Ask yourself why you want something. If it’s to lift your spirits remember if it works at all it works only temporarily. If it's to improve your status remind yourself that extrinsic rewards (e.g., the sporting equipment) don’t work. Intrinsic rewards (e.g., developing your athletic skills) create true self-esteem.
With this year’s less stable economy it’s a good time to reevaluate your spending habits. Don't buy just for the sake of buying. Instead of racing around madly searching for the perfect gift that’s too soon forgotten and too little appreciated, why not spend time with that person doing something interesting as their Christmas gift instead? It won’t be as good for the economy but it’ll be much better for yours.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Always let your body win
Stress for Success
December 11, 2007
It’s comforting to know that your assessment of your own health more accurately predicts your future health and longevity than a review of your complete medical records (see last week’s article). This supports my commitment of always letting my body win.
Your body never lies to you. When you develop a symptom like insomnia, headaches or constipation, your body’s telling you to minimize the cause, therefore the physical symptom.
Those who consider themselves healthy are better listeners, and, according to recent research, experience a positive influence on their endocrine and immune systems, making them healthier. Those who consider themselves less healthy would be wise to listen more.
Tel Aviv University health psychologist, Yael Benyamani, believes if you think you’re in good health you take better care of yourself. Since healthy habits lead to healthy outcomes, exercising, for example, becomes not only good for your health it also supports your perception of good health, which leads to even more healthy habits; a great cycle.
Benyamani also believes that if you think your health isn’t so great you’ll give in to unhealthy habits like smoking, eating poorly and not exercising. Your belief may not only predict but also cause less healthy outcomes. His advice to those who think they’re less healthy includes:
§ Pay close attention to changes in your physical functioning. When your sleep pattern, appetite, energy level, or what Benyamani calls “vague bodily sensations, not things you’d necessarily tie to specific illnesses” deteriorate
they’re red flags to pay attention to.
For any physical symptom that goes on for more than a few days, figure out its cause. Usually there’s a stressor that has been bothering you since or shortly before the symptom onset. Make a commitment to yourself that for all physical symptoms you’ll let your body win by taking appropriate action. Solve your stressor to reduce the stress therefore your physical symptom. For example, if your physical symptom is exhaustion, get more sleep, take more naps, meditate more versus reach for another cup of coffee to keep going!
§ Pay much more attention to your risky behaviors like smoking, overeating, etc., and acknowledge the potential and actual impact they’re having on your physical and emotional self.
If you choose to do nothing different at least remain consciously aware that it’s your choice; maybe someday you’ll make healthier ones.
It’s common to take years to talk yourself out of a bad habit and into a better one. When you’re in this “contemplation” stage of change, use the time wisely and seek information regarding the potential damage the bad habit causes and the benefits of its corresponding good habit.
§ Depression hinders awareness of the negative impact of bad habits and inhibits taking positive action. Consider counseling, which can pave the way for healthier choices.
Get on your own great cycle: pay much closer attention to the invaluable physical information you gather from inside yourself daily. It’s your roadmap to healthier choices, better health and ultimately a growing perception that you are indeed healthy.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
InterAction Associates
239-693-8111
Training & Coaching with a Purpose!
Skill Development Through Training Programs & Coaching
Bridging the Generation Gap
Building Diverse Teams
Workplace/Sexual Harassment
Stress Management
Team Building
Polished Public Speaking
Customer Service
Creative Problem-solving & Decision-making
Much more
All services are tailored to
meet your needs
Stress for Success
December 11, 2007
It’s comforting to know that your assessment of your own health more accurately predicts your future health and longevity than a review of your complete medical records (see last week’s article). This supports my commitment of always letting my body win.
Your body never lies to you. When you develop a symptom like insomnia, headaches or constipation, your body’s telling you to minimize the cause, therefore the physical symptom.
Those who consider themselves healthy are better listeners, and, according to recent research, experience a positive influence on their endocrine and immune systems, making them healthier. Those who consider themselves less healthy would be wise to listen more.
Tel Aviv University health psychologist, Yael Benyamani, believes if you think you’re in good health you take better care of yourself. Since healthy habits lead to healthy outcomes, exercising, for example, becomes not only good for your health it also supports your perception of good health, which leads to even more healthy habits; a great cycle.
Benyamani also believes that if you think your health isn’t so great you’ll give in to unhealthy habits like smoking, eating poorly and not exercising. Your belief may not only predict but also cause less healthy outcomes. His advice to those who think they’re less healthy includes:
§ Pay close attention to changes in your physical functioning. When your sleep pattern, appetite, energy level, or what Benyamani calls “vague bodily sensations, not things you’d necessarily tie to specific illnesses” deteriorate
they’re red flags to pay attention to.
For any physical symptom that goes on for more than a few days, figure out its cause. Usually there’s a stressor that has been bothering you since or shortly before the symptom onset. Make a commitment to yourself that for all physical symptoms you’ll let your body win by taking appropriate action. Solve your stressor to reduce the stress therefore your physical symptom. For example, if your physical symptom is exhaustion, get more sleep, take more naps, meditate more versus reach for another cup of coffee to keep going!
§ Pay much more attention to your risky behaviors like smoking, overeating, etc., and acknowledge the potential and actual impact they’re having on your physical and emotional self.
If you choose to do nothing different at least remain consciously aware that it’s your choice; maybe someday you’ll make healthier ones.
It’s common to take years to talk yourself out of a bad habit and into a better one. When you’re in this “contemplation” stage of change, use the time wisely and seek information regarding the potential damage the bad habit causes and the benefits of its corresponding good habit.
§ Depression hinders awareness of the negative impact of bad habits and inhibits taking positive action. Consider counseling, which can pave the way for healthier choices.
Get on your own great cycle: pay much closer attention to the invaluable physical information you gather from inside yourself daily. It’s your roadmap to healthier choices, better health and ultimately a growing perception that you are indeed healthy.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
InterAction Associates
239-693-8111
Training & Coaching with a Purpose!
Skill Development Through Training Programs & Coaching
Bridging the Generation Gap
Building Diverse Teams
Workplace/Sexual Harassment
Stress Management
Team Building
Polished Public Speaking
Customer Service
Creative Problem-solving & Decision-making
Much more
All services are tailored to
meet your needs
Monday, November 19, 2007
Keep looking for relief from physical symptoms
Stress for Success
November 19, 2007
When you experience a new physical problem don’t assume that you have to live with it forever. Look for its cause and mitigate it. For instance, recently I've experienced muscle tension in my hips and know it's from sitting at the computer too much. So I bought a new laptop to vary where and how I sit when working.
Also consider treatments you’ve never tried before like foot reflexology (a valid treatment for my mild muscle tension), Reiki (the most relaxed I’ve ever felt), chiropractic medicine (my chiropractor only works on the area behind my right ear, which I find very helpful), among others.
Out of curiosity recently I turned to acupuncture for a new discomfort in my right hip along with the general muscle tension mentioned above. I selected a local acupuncturist to try this 5000 year-old Chinese approach to healing and have been impressed with the three treatments I've received.
Before my first treatment she told me about acupuncture then I described my symptoms. She encouraged me to tell her about anything else bothering me because she could possibly treat multiple symptoms at the same time, depending upon what they were and their severity. So I told her about fatigued vocal chords and a recent diagnosis of falling arches (good grief!). She treated all of these conditions at the same time.
I'm happy to report that after just one treatment my newer sharp hip soreness absolutely disappeared, my falling arch hasn’t improved, but the tension in my hips is much better. Now after my morning yoga it's like I never had that muscle tension. It's like I'm 25 again (okay, 45)!
Granted, my symptoms were minor. If I'd had more serious ones three visits wouldn’t have been enough. Nor are three visits necessarily enough for my symptoms, time will tell. But given my brief and mostly successful exposure to acupuncture my mind is even more open to it than before.
Some people hesitate trying it for fear of the needles. However, the only time I felt a needle pierce was with the one that she placed in my right heel, which was over in a flash and I wouldn't even categorize it as pain. Otherwise I didn’t even feel the insertion of the other needles.
After she placed the needles she left me to relax for 30 minutes, checking back occasionally, after which she removed the needles and I was on my way. There was nothing uncomfortable or scary about the experience; in fact it was downright interesting and beneficial.
I’m not suggesting that you should try any and all alternative medical treatments. But if your physician hasn't been successful in treating you then do some research into what else is available. If you don't like taking prescription drugs, which Western medicine so quickly prescribes, you'd be an even better candidate for acupuncture.
Ultimately I encourage you to look for something to minimize negative symptoms to feel better, which allows you to remain active, which is good for your physical, mental and emotional self, not to mention your stress level.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
November 19, 2007
When you experience a new physical problem don’t assume that you have to live with it forever. Look for its cause and mitigate it. For instance, recently I've experienced muscle tension in my hips and know it's from sitting at the computer too much. So I bought a new laptop to vary where and how I sit when working.
Also consider treatments you’ve never tried before like foot reflexology (a valid treatment for my mild muscle tension), Reiki (the most relaxed I’ve ever felt), chiropractic medicine (my chiropractor only works on the area behind my right ear, which I find very helpful), among others.
Out of curiosity recently I turned to acupuncture for a new discomfort in my right hip along with the general muscle tension mentioned above. I selected a local acupuncturist to try this 5000 year-old Chinese approach to healing and have been impressed with the three treatments I've received.
Before my first treatment she told me about acupuncture then I described my symptoms. She encouraged me to tell her about anything else bothering me because she could possibly treat multiple symptoms at the same time, depending upon what they were and their severity. So I told her about fatigued vocal chords and a recent diagnosis of falling arches (good grief!). She treated all of these conditions at the same time.
I'm happy to report that after just one treatment my newer sharp hip soreness absolutely disappeared, my falling arch hasn’t improved, but the tension in my hips is much better. Now after my morning yoga it's like I never had that muscle tension. It's like I'm 25 again (okay, 45)!
Granted, my symptoms were minor. If I'd had more serious ones three visits wouldn’t have been enough. Nor are three visits necessarily enough for my symptoms, time will tell. But given my brief and mostly successful exposure to acupuncture my mind is even more open to it than before.
Some people hesitate trying it for fear of the needles. However, the only time I felt a needle pierce was with the one that she placed in my right heel, which was over in a flash and I wouldn't even categorize it as pain. Otherwise I didn’t even feel the insertion of the other needles.
After she placed the needles she left me to relax for 30 minutes, checking back occasionally, after which she removed the needles and I was on my way. There was nothing uncomfortable or scary about the experience; in fact it was downright interesting and beneficial.
I’m not suggesting that you should try any and all alternative medical treatments. But if your physician hasn't been successful in treating you then do some research into what else is available. If you don't like taking prescription drugs, which Western medicine so quickly prescribes, you'd be an even better candidate for acupuncture.
Ultimately I encourage you to look for something to minimize negative symptoms to feel better, which allows you to remain active, which is good for your physical, mental and emotional self, not to mention your stress level.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Try acupuncture to relieve tension and to quit smoking
Stress for Success
November 13, 2007
Americans are increasingly turning to “alternative” medicine to treat what ails them; often they’re trying Acupuncture.
As I described last week, Acupuncture is based on the belief that when Chi (life energy) is blocked as it travels throughout your body’s energy pathways (meridians) it throws Yin and Yang out of balance causing illness or discomfort. Acupuncture restores the balance by inserting very fine needles into Acupuncture points to facilitate the even circulation of Chi.
Without realizing it, my first encounter with this ancient Chinese approach to healing was back in the 1980s when, out of curiosity, I tried foot reflexology. This is a form of acupressure, which uses fingers or an instrument vs. needles to stimulate ankles and the soles of the feet. It’s based on the belief that different parts of the feet are connected to specific parts of the body. By stimulating the appropriate part of your foot you can reduce the discomfort for the physical problem you’re trying to remedy. For instance, to get relief from sciatic nerve discomfort you would apply pressure to the inner part of your heel.
Our ancestors got plenty of natural acupressure opportunities. They walked on actual earth (vs. concrete) with either no shoes or less “constructed” ones, frequently stepping on pebbles and other hard or sharp objects. This sent an electrical impulse to the corresponding part of the body from the part of the foot that was stimulated. With enough repetitions these small “shocks” cleared out obstructing crystals that cause physical problems. The next time you walk on the beach and step on a shell notice this jolt of energy and in which part of your body (other than your foot) you feel it.
Not only did reflexology feel good to me, it had impressive results for my minor muscle tension.
I have a caution, however. After receiving treatment from a professional I bought a reflexology book and tried it on my husband, who was very skeptical of the practice. The book said to use a pencil eraser and apply as much pressure as possible to the soles of the feet. I did. For the next couple of days, he couldn’t open his jaw! He became a believer that I had over-stimulated something that was apparently connected to his jaw.
My husband had our next experience with another form of Acupuncture, Auriculotherapy (ear acupuncture) to help him quit smoking. Three electrical jolts were sent into each ear lobe to decrease his cravings. (This can also be used to treat other addictions.) It was only intended to help him through the first three days of withdrawal, but those were the worst. So, for it to work, you must want to quit. It was the only treatment that ever helped him kick this unhealthy habit of thirty years.
My most recent experience with Acupuncture was just recently. After writing an article about successful Acupuncture treatments for headaches that lasted for months, I decided I’d finally try it and that’s what I’ll address next week.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
November 13, 2007
Americans are increasingly turning to “alternative” medicine to treat what ails them; often they’re trying Acupuncture.
As I described last week, Acupuncture is based on the belief that when Chi (life energy) is blocked as it travels throughout your body’s energy pathways (meridians) it throws Yin and Yang out of balance causing illness or discomfort. Acupuncture restores the balance by inserting very fine needles into Acupuncture points to facilitate the even circulation of Chi.
Without realizing it, my first encounter with this ancient Chinese approach to healing was back in the 1980s when, out of curiosity, I tried foot reflexology. This is a form of acupressure, which uses fingers or an instrument vs. needles to stimulate ankles and the soles of the feet. It’s based on the belief that different parts of the feet are connected to specific parts of the body. By stimulating the appropriate part of your foot you can reduce the discomfort for the physical problem you’re trying to remedy. For instance, to get relief from sciatic nerve discomfort you would apply pressure to the inner part of your heel.
Our ancestors got plenty of natural acupressure opportunities. They walked on actual earth (vs. concrete) with either no shoes or less “constructed” ones, frequently stepping on pebbles and other hard or sharp objects. This sent an electrical impulse to the corresponding part of the body from the part of the foot that was stimulated. With enough repetitions these small “shocks” cleared out obstructing crystals that cause physical problems. The next time you walk on the beach and step on a shell notice this jolt of energy and in which part of your body (other than your foot) you feel it.
Not only did reflexology feel good to me, it had impressive results for my minor muscle tension.
I have a caution, however. After receiving treatment from a professional I bought a reflexology book and tried it on my husband, who was very skeptical of the practice. The book said to use a pencil eraser and apply as much pressure as possible to the soles of the feet. I did. For the next couple of days, he couldn’t open his jaw! He became a believer that I had over-stimulated something that was apparently connected to his jaw.
My husband had our next experience with another form of Acupuncture, Auriculotherapy (ear acupuncture) to help him quit smoking. Three electrical jolts were sent into each ear lobe to decrease his cravings. (This can also be used to treat other addictions.) It was only intended to help him through the first three days of withdrawal, but those were the worst. So, for it to work, you must want to quit. It was the only treatment that ever helped him kick this unhealthy habit of thirty years.
My most recent experience with Acupuncture was just recently. After writing an article about successful Acupuncture treatments for headaches that lasted for months, I decided I’d finally try it and that’s what I’ll address next week.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Try acupuncture for what ails you
Stress for Success
November 6, 2007
Recently I wrote about research findings of acupuncture treatments for chronic headaches lasting for months. I’d long been curious about Acupuncture so I decided to try it for myself.
In today’s column I’ll explain this ancient treatment. In following ones I’ll describe my own experiences with it.
To me, any “successful” treatment that has stood the test of time is worth considering. Acupuncture certainly meets this criterion. Chinese have practiced it for about 5,000 years for pain relief, the prevention and treatment of disease, and anesthetizing surgical patients.
It’s based on the belief that every living creature has the universal life energy called Chi or Qi, which includes the spiritual, emotional, mental and physical. This energy travels throughout your body along pathways called meridians.
Chi is comprised of two parts: Yin and Yang, which are opposite forces, and when balanced, work together. Yin is represented by female attributes: passive, dark, cold and moist. Yang is signified by male attributes: active, light, warm and dry. Nothing is completely one or the other.
When Chi’s flow is blocked or unstable, Yin and Yang are thrown out of balance, which causes illness. Acupuncture, which literally means “needle piercing”, restores the balance by inserting very fine (and disposable) needles into Acupuncture points (where the meridians come to the skin surface) to facilitate an even circulation of Chi.
Acupuncture commonly treats:
۰ Addictions including food, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes
۰ Arthritic conditions
۰ Headaches, including migraines
۰ Allergies
۰ Tendonitis
۰ Lower back pain, etc.
Besides needle insertion other treatments include:
۰ Cupping: stimulation of acupuncture points through suction; the partial vacuum produces blood congestion at the site of the physical problem; used mostly for low backaches, sprains, soft tissue injuries and relieving fluids from the lungs caused by chronic bronchitis
۰ Auriculotherapy (ear acupuncture): ears have a rich nerve and blood supply and believed to be connected to points throughout the body facilitating treatment of many disorders
۰ Moxibustion: applying heat to acupuncture points used for bronchial asthma, bronchitis, some types of paralysis and arthritic disorders
۰ Acupressure: the use of fingers or an instrument vs. needles; e.g., foot-reflexology where the soles of the feet and ankles are stimulated
There are many attempts to explain why acupuncture seems to work, including that it:
۰ enhances the immune system by raising triglycerides, certain hormones, white blood counts, etc.
۰ stimulates secretion of endorphins, serotonin and noradrenalin
۰ releases vasodilators such as histamine constricting or dilating blood vessels
۰ regulates the part of the nervous system that perceives pain
While not all are convinced, western medicine increasingly accepts Acupuncture. The World Health Organization recognizes more than 30 diseases or conditions, ranging from allergies to tennis elbow that can be helped by it. In 1997 the National Institute of Health stated that for headaches, low back pain, menstrual cramps and carpal tunnel syndrome, “Acupuncture was useful as part of a comprehensive pain management program.”
With Acupuncture’s emphasis on prevention and its 5,000 year track-record I think it has earned our consideration as a treatment option.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
November 6, 2007
Recently I wrote about research findings of acupuncture treatments for chronic headaches lasting for months. I’d long been curious about Acupuncture so I decided to try it for myself.
In today’s column I’ll explain this ancient treatment. In following ones I’ll describe my own experiences with it.
To me, any “successful” treatment that has stood the test of time is worth considering. Acupuncture certainly meets this criterion. Chinese have practiced it for about 5,000 years for pain relief, the prevention and treatment of disease, and anesthetizing surgical patients.
It’s based on the belief that every living creature has the universal life energy called Chi or Qi, which includes the spiritual, emotional, mental and physical. This energy travels throughout your body along pathways called meridians.
Chi is comprised of two parts: Yin and Yang, which are opposite forces, and when balanced, work together. Yin is represented by female attributes: passive, dark, cold and moist. Yang is signified by male attributes: active, light, warm and dry. Nothing is completely one or the other.
When Chi’s flow is blocked or unstable, Yin and Yang are thrown out of balance, which causes illness. Acupuncture, which literally means “needle piercing”, restores the balance by inserting very fine (and disposable) needles into Acupuncture points (where the meridians come to the skin surface) to facilitate an even circulation of Chi.
Acupuncture commonly treats:
۰ Addictions including food, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes
۰ Arthritic conditions
۰ Headaches, including migraines
۰ Allergies
۰ Tendonitis
۰ Lower back pain, etc.
Besides needle insertion other treatments include:
۰ Cupping: stimulation of acupuncture points through suction; the partial vacuum produces blood congestion at the site of the physical problem; used mostly for low backaches, sprains, soft tissue injuries and relieving fluids from the lungs caused by chronic bronchitis
۰ Auriculotherapy (ear acupuncture): ears have a rich nerve and blood supply and believed to be connected to points throughout the body facilitating treatment of many disorders
۰ Moxibustion: applying heat to acupuncture points used for bronchial asthma, bronchitis, some types of paralysis and arthritic disorders
۰ Acupressure: the use of fingers or an instrument vs. needles; e.g., foot-reflexology where the soles of the feet and ankles are stimulated
There are many attempts to explain why acupuncture seems to work, including that it:
۰ enhances the immune system by raising triglycerides, certain hormones, white blood counts, etc.
۰ stimulates secretion of endorphins, serotonin and noradrenalin
۰ releases vasodilators such as histamine constricting or dilating blood vessels
۰ regulates the part of the nervous system that perceives pain
While not all are convinced, western medicine increasingly accepts Acupuncture. The World Health Organization recognizes more than 30 diseases or conditions, ranging from allergies to tennis elbow that can be helped by it. In 1997 the National Institute of Health stated that for headaches, low back pain, menstrual cramps and carpal tunnel syndrome, “Acupuncture was useful as part of a comprehensive pain management program.”
With Acupuncture’s emphasis on prevention and its 5,000 year track-record I think it has earned our consideration as a treatment option.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Follow the advice in these quotes to manage conflicts better
Stress for Success
October 30, 2007
Often times in my presentations I use pithy quotes to make important points regarding my subject matter. Last week I wrote about two of my favorite ones that communicate great advice for managing conflicts:
۰ “I train people how to treat me.” -- Source Unknown
۰ "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten." -- Dr. Susan Jeffers
These shed light on how we’re responsible to some degree for the outcome in all of our conflicts. Can you see that your reaction in a dispute trains the other person to expect you to behave similarly in the future? For example, if someone comes to you frequently to dump out her heart, isn’t your listening teaching her to come and talk to you again?
If you want to teach her to come to you less often respond differently; if you always listen she’ll always expect you to.
The Bible verse, "Judge not lest ye be judged" also applies to most conflicts since it’s so typical to negatively judge someone with whom you’re having a conflict. Negative judgments are mostly adjectives that describe the person, such as, dependent, arrogant, lazy, good for nothing, etc.
In the above example, when your colleague comes to confide in you for the umpteenth time, you hear yourself think, “Oh not her again! If I hear one more complaint I’m going to scream!” Even though there’s no literal judgment included in this self-talk, it implies one.
No one likes to be judged. Even if you never speak your judgments out loud they leak through your nonverbal communication. When your supplicant approaches you to talk to you again she’ll probably sense something negative coming from you (although some people will be oblivious). If she perceives herself being judged she’ll likely get defensive and resistant.
Rather than the judgmental rolling of your eyes, it would be better for both of you if you’d assertively set limits regarding how frequently, for how long, or if at all, you’re willing to listen to her.
One more quote that’s helpful in dealing with conflicts is, "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem." -- Eldridge Cleaver. If you’re unhappy with the outcome of a situation and you're unwilling to change anything that you’re doing then you’re part of the problem. If she continues to waste your time with her problems and you keep listening, you’re complicit in this undesirable outcome. Put the ball into her court by changing what you’re doing. Train her to treat you differently. She’ll almost have to respond differently in answer to your change. Keep changing until you either run out of options or you get better results.
Take responsibility for what you contribute to every outcome you experience. Instead of judging how the other person is wrong, focus on your own behavior and ask how it influences the outcome. Then, if you’re not satisfied with how the situation is turning out, do something different!
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
October 30, 2007
Often times in my presentations I use pithy quotes to make important points regarding my subject matter. Last week I wrote about two of my favorite ones that communicate great advice for managing conflicts:
۰ “I train people how to treat me.” -- Source Unknown
۰ "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten." -- Dr. Susan Jeffers
These shed light on how we’re responsible to some degree for the outcome in all of our conflicts. Can you see that your reaction in a dispute trains the other person to expect you to behave similarly in the future? For example, if someone comes to you frequently to dump out her heart, isn’t your listening teaching her to come and talk to you again?
If you want to teach her to come to you less often respond differently; if you always listen she’ll always expect you to.
The Bible verse, "Judge not lest ye be judged" also applies to most conflicts since it’s so typical to negatively judge someone with whom you’re having a conflict. Negative judgments are mostly adjectives that describe the person, such as, dependent, arrogant, lazy, good for nothing, etc.
In the above example, when your colleague comes to confide in you for the umpteenth time, you hear yourself think, “Oh not her again! If I hear one more complaint I’m going to scream!” Even though there’s no literal judgment included in this self-talk, it implies one.
No one likes to be judged. Even if you never speak your judgments out loud they leak through your nonverbal communication. When your supplicant approaches you to talk to you again she’ll probably sense something negative coming from you (although some people will be oblivious). If she perceives herself being judged she’ll likely get defensive and resistant.
Rather than the judgmental rolling of your eyes, it would be better for both of you if you’d assertively set limits regarding how frequently, for how long, or if at all, you’re willing to listen to her.
One more quote that’s helpful in dealing with conflicts is, "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem." -- Eldridge Cleaver. If you’re unhappy with the outcome of a situation and you're unwilling to change anything that you’re doing then you’re part of the problem. If she continues to waste your time with her problems and you keep listening, you’re complicit in this undesirable outcome. Put the ball into her court by changing what you’re doing. Train her to treat you differently. She’ll almost have to respond differently in answer to your change. Keep changing until you either run out of options or you get better results.
Take responsibility for what you contribute to every outcome you experience. Instead of judging how the other person is wrong, focus on your own behavior and ask how it influences the outcome. Then, if you’re not satisfied with how the situation is turning out, do something different!
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.
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