Don't trust how you tell your story when you’re too defensive
Stress for Success
February 26, 2008

Are there are certain people or situations that trigger instantaneous and negatively emotional reactions in you? If so, consider this quote:
§ "The degree to which I am wrong is directly proportionate to how adamantly I profess to be right." -- Source unknown.

In other words, "I think thou dost protest too much, " (revised from Shakespeare's Hamlet.)

One red flag indicating not to trust your perception of something stressful is your own defensive, emotional and/or rigid reaction, which signifies that the true source of your stress is mostly in how you’re telling your story of the situation. This is difficult to recognize in yourself because you assume that your interpretations are accurate.

Everyone projects onto all situations what's in their own heads so you find what you look for.

For example, you have a core belief that life is unfair therefore more easily interpret other people’s actions as unfair, even when they’re not. Like you explain that you didn't get a promotion because your boss is unfair. From the boss’ point of view you weren't qualified. If true, as long as you assume he's unfair you'll be at a disadvantage for getting future promotions because you won't be improving your competence.

There are rigid words that fuel defensive interpretations that need to be replaced:
§ “Should, shouldn’t, have to, must” with “prefer”
§ “Every, all, everyone, no one” with “some”
§ “Always, never” substitute “sometimes”
§ “Can’t” substitute “choose not to”

For example, “She shouldn’t talk to us that way,” becomes, “I prefer she not talk to us that way.” Isn't the second version less rigid?

Or, "No one appreciates anything I do," becomes, "My son doesn't appreciate that I iron his clothes." The second version is more specific and accurate allowing you to address the real issue rather than the global "no one" and "anything I do."

One more red flag that indicates that your perception is more of your stress than the situation itself is when you emotionally judge someone who's "stressing you." For example, "she's lazy." Just because you think she's lazy doesn't mean she is. Don't confuse judgments with facts. Your negative judgments of another are usually projections of what you cannot accept in yourself. Rather than delve into your psyche for the reasons it's easier to play devil's advocate with your negative judgments.

To challenge them identify the facts of the situation and the other person’s behavior to assess if your judgments are legitimate. In this example let's say she turns in her work late and takes longer lunch breaks than allowed, which can be factual and behavioral. But do they justify labeling her lazy? Whether or not they do, you'll more successfully deal with her if you focus on the facts and behaviors and let go of your judgments.

How you tell not only the story of your life but the story of your individual daily experiences creates your reality. If your reality is entirely too stressful then change how you tell your story.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops (like Slow Down You Move Too Fast at FGCU on March19) on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Tell a more optimistic story to reduce your stress
Stress for Success
February 19, 2008

Are you seen as an optimist, a pessimist, a victim or in charge of your own life?

How others see you is partly derived from their perception of how you "tell your story". In recent articles I've addressed how you tell your story becomes your self-fulfilling prophecy. If your life needs an overhaul then how you tell your story does, too.

Consider two ideas in deciding whether or not your life story needs a rewrite.

When something bad happens to you how you explain why it happened implies if your story is perpetuating your stress.

Dr. Martin Seligman, world-renowned optimism/pessimism researcher, University of PA, identified three speech components of your "explanatory style": how you explain why something bad (or good) happens to you.

Pretend you applied for a job that you didn’t get, then answer, “Why didn’t I get the job?”
1. Ongoing vs. temporary: Does your explanation suggest the event has ongoing consequences vs. a temporary setback?
· “I’ll never get a job!” (On-going/pessimistic)
· “I wasn’t on for the interview.” (Temporary setback/optimistic)
2. Global vs. specific: Does not getting the job have global effects on your life or only on a specific part?
· “I’m a loser.” (Global/pessimistic)
· “Money will be tight until I get a job.” (Specific/optimistic)
3. Blame yourself vs. an outside source: Do you generally blame yourself when something bad happens or is something/someone else responsible?
· “I’m a loser.” (Self-blame/pessimistic)
· “What a terrible interviewer!” (Blames outside source/optimistic)

(Seligman isn’t encouraging you to shirk personal responsibility but finds excessive self-blaming is a sign of pessimism.)

To improve how you tell your story when something bad happens change your explanations from on-going to temporary, from having global implications to specific ones, and from self-blame to lightening up on yourself. More optimism also leads to greater professional success, resiliency, better health and possibly greater longevity.

Repetitive, dysfunctional life patterns are another sure sign that how you tell your story is perpetuating a stressful reality. For example, a customer said that she was about to quit her fourth job in three years for the same reason: "the jerks I work with." Is it possible that her story maintains her stress?

Eric Berne’s Transactional Analysis (remember I’m OK – You’re OK?) explains this. He found that "dysfunctional behavior results from self-limiting choices made in childhood in an attempt to survive and thrive." These create your "life-script, the preconscious life plan that governs how you live your life." Burns also defined socially dysfunctional behavioral patterns as "games."

You attract people who’ll help you live out your life-script. Perhaps my customer had antagonistic relationships with her family of origin and repeatedly "plays games" that result in hostile relationships in her workplaces.

Without realizing it we all continue to live out our dysfunctional (and functional) life-scripts. The trick is to spot the repetitive, dysfunctional tendencies and assume that we may be keeping alive these unhealthy patterns through how we tell our story. Good counseling can certainly help to unravel your complicity and create a different story line to move you toward a healthier outcome ending.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops (like Slow Down You Move Too Fast at FGCU on March19) on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Core beliefs can cause stress
Stress for Success
February 12, 2008


Everyone has core beliefs that drive their reactions to all of life’s situations. These are mostly established in early childhood and are very difficult to shake. But if you want to get off the treadmill of automatically reacting out of childhood programming and expand your options for reacting differently you must identify, challenge and adjust your limiting core beliefs.

At the heart of all perceptions are these beliefs. For example, a core belief that people are good and to be trusted allows you to put faith in others. However, if you believe people are untrustworthy you’ll view others suspiciously. These entirely different perceptions, based on core beliefs, will lead to drastically different relationships.

To identify core beliefs driving your stressful reactions, allowing you to challenge and ultimately modify them to respond more productively, use the Repetitive Why Technique.

For instance, much of Irene's stress comes from being a pleaser. She overextends herself to help others to the detriment of taking care of herself, she says what others want to hear, and she says "yes" when she wants to say "no."

One day her boss needed something done by 2 p.m. Irene knew she wouldn't be able to get it done given her other responsibilities, but instead of saying so she said, "okay." To be more honest she needs to identify and change her underlying core belief, which paves the way for her to set appropriate limits.

With the Repetitive Why Technique ask, "why" repeatedly regarding your reactions. She would ask herself why she didn’t tell her boss the truth. For each answer she’d ask why again. It might go something like this:
§ "Why did I say I'd get the work done when I know I can't?"
o "Because she's my boss, I have to do what she tells me."
§ "Why do I think I have to say "yes" to anything my boss asks me?"
o "Because you don't say ‘no’ to authority figures."
§ "Why can't I say ‘no’ to authority figures?"
o "Because I might get into trouble."
§ "Why would I get into trouble?"

Perhaps the answer is that she regularly got into trouble when she defied her parents so she carries into adulthood an assumption - a core belief – that she shouldn’t challenge authority. To change her passiveness she needs to challenge this core belief. She could question if any colleagues have ever gotten into trouble when they’ve said they couldn't get something done. If she can’t find evidence of this she needs to honestly explain to her boss why she cannot finish everything. She could ask the boss to prioritize her work for her. If there’s evidence that the boss punishes those who set limits she’d need to decide whether or not she could live with that.

Being chained to past programming can be extremely limiting and stressful. Core beliefs that confine you can be reprogrammed. No doubt it takes time and effort, but it can be some of the most freeing work you'll ever do.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops (like Slow Down You Move Too Fast at FGCU on March19) on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Be careful how you tell your story
Stress for Success
February 5, 2008

Consider a woman who died from pancreatic cancer at age 55. Before she died she often joked that the three loves of her life - over eating, smoking and drinking - were killing her.

Cindy's life was never easy. She was adopted by people who shouldn't have been allowed to adopt. The mother generously meted out cruel and unusual punishment, smothering Cindy's self-confidence, like not allowing her as an adolescent to wash her hair for weeks on end. The father did his wife's bidding by beating Cindy with the belt at a time when society denied child abuse.

Her life started out so promising. Cindy was a beautiful child and her mother proudly entered her into child modeling shows. But as Cindy progressed through grade school she gained significant weight, reaching more than 200 pounds by sixth grade. No more modeling for her.

When Cindy explained why things "never" worked out for her she'd tell her story in a way that depicted her as helpless with no options to change anything. For instance, in her 40s she desperately wanted to buy a house but never attempted to get a loan, explaining, "Nobody's going to loan me money." Or not asking for a raise because, "I’m probably not worth it."

Be careful how you tell the story of your life. If it's a dead-end story you're probably living a dead-end life.

As I've written many times, to lower your stress you must invest your energy where you have control. Cindy had no control over what her parents did to her. Therapy could have helped her deal with that partly by teaching her how to tell her story in a way that put her in the driver's seat of her own life. It may have created a different outcome for her.

Instead she expressed her core beliefs through how she told her story: "I’m unworthy," "Life's stacked against me," and "I am unlovable." This final one explains why Cindy never dated in high school and why as an adult her only "male companions" were married and unavailable. She never married.

Cindy self medicated throughout her adult life through her three loves, topping out at 270 pounds.

After both of her adoptive parents died she met her biological family. In a picture of her and her birth mother you couldn't tell them apart; both pushing 300 pounds and facially looking like twins. Getting to know her birth family, all of whom were obese, finally gave Cindy and identity. It was like her adoptive mother's criticisms were finally put to rest, giving Cindy great peace.

How do you tell your story, especially the tough parts? Are you acted upon by and do you blame outside forces that leave you powerless to change anything? Or are you in the driver's seat of the outcome of your stories?

Trust me, how you tell your story becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you are dissatisfied with your life, start turning it around by revising how you tell your story. Change it in ways that put you in charge of creating the outcomes you want.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops (like Slow Down You Move Too Fast at FGCU on March19) on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Tackle the hard work of stress management to improve your life
Perceptions can often be blamed for stress
Stress for Success
January 29, 2008

§ “You see the world not as it is but as you are.” -- Stephen Covey, author
§ You are what you think you are. Your perceptions become your reality.
§ Be careful how you tell your story.
§ Wherever your thoughts are going that’s where you are going.
§ "It's not what happens to you that matters but what you do with it." -- Source Unknown

In other words, stress is in the mind of the beholder. How you view the world and interpret your experiences determine what kind of stress, not to mention life, you have. They determine which options you can see therefore how well you solve your stressors and the resiliency you have (or don’t have) to stress.

Since how you “behold” situations determines whether or not you’re stressed by them, doesn’t it behoove you to be more aware of how you are beholding?

This is the difficult part of stress management because it requires you to accept that life isn’t necessarily causing your stress. How you look at it usually is. (This is communicated to you through your thoughts about the situation.) You most likely assume your interpretations (thoughts) of situations are correct and may not be willing to concede that sometimes you are your own biggest stressor, but that’s basically what you have to consider.

For example, you and I work for the same critical boss. Each time he criticizes me I fold like a house of cards and whine about him to friends and family. You let his criticisms roll off your back. The same situation produces two entirely different results because you and I interpret the criticism differently. In short, I'm probably taking it personally and you aren't.

When you notice that you’re more stressed than is another person in the same situation it's an indicator that maybe, just maybe, your perceptions ARE your stress, which means you can’t trust what you’re thinking. Instead of assuming your perception is accurate find factual proof. If you say "he's always criticizing me" find proof of "always". It's highly unlikely that anyone always does anything. Literally count the number of times in one week that he criticizes you and when you complain about him substitute "three times this week he criticized me" for “he always criticizes me.”

This doesn't mean that your perceptions are automatically “wrong”. Everyone interprets life based on their lifelong experiences, temperament and possibly even genetics. They are such a part of you that you don't even pay particular attention to them, you just tend not to question them. To lower your stress however you'll need to develop a healthy skepticism about your own interpretations, especially when red flags are waving, telling you not to trust what you're thinking.

How can you know when your interpretation of a stressor is more responsible for your stress than is the situation itself? It’s not easy and next week we’ll consider one particular red flag, how you tell your story, and how it can imprison you in a stressful life pattern.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Practice the easy part of stress management
Stress for Success
January 22, 2008

"It's easier said than done," is something I hear frequently about stress management recommendations.

I've been teaching this subject for over 20 years and have discovered that most people don’t want to do the hard work of stress reduction -- challenging your interpretation of stressful situations. Most of your stress isn’t from what happens to you but rather from how you interpret it. Stress is in the mind of the beholder.

For example, you're stressed by a coworker’s near-constant negativity. "She drives me nuts!” you complain. "Somebody put a sock in her mouth!" This implies that she's making you stressed and she should change.

However, she's not the cause of your stress. Your interpretation of her negativity is what’s driving you nuts.

By not admitting that we’re causing much of our stress, we avoid the difficult work of challenging our thinking; it’s not easy. So it's true, stress management advice is easier said than done.

When you're not willing to consider that you’re the source of your own stress, the minimum you can do is to practice stress management basics, including:
§ Schedule daily rest breaks in proportion to the amount of stress you experience so your mind and body can recover. If you experience chronic stress (elevated stress that lasts month after month) it's even more important that you schedule multiple Stress Breaks into your daily life, such as a few seconds of deep breathing several times a day, 20 to 30 minutes of deep relaxation numerous times a week, a minimum of 30 minutes of exercise several times a week, a good night’s sleep on a regular basis, etc. Practicing enough Stress Breaks protects you from the ravages of stress.

Appreciating Stress Breaks’ benefits also leads to a greater perception of control (more self efficacy, which I wrote about last week), automatically lowering your overall stress.
§ Limit exaggerated thinking. Where ever your thoughts are going that's where you are going. Your aggravated and judgmental thoughts about your colleague mean you’re going towards stress. To lower your stress it's better to think about her in a problem-solving way like, "What are my options in dealing with her negativity?" Because she’s beyond your control your options must be ones that are within your control versus expecting her to change.
§ This requires an understanding and an acceptance regarding what’s within and what’s beyond your control regarding your stressor. In essence, everything about everybody else is beyond your control; their personalities, habits and reactions. Your choice of reactions is within your control. That’s why your only options for dealing with your negative coworker are ones that require you do something different, like not letting her bother you or gossiping with others about her, versus hoping she'll change.

You'd be wise when your thinking is very emotional and exaggerated to assume that you’re part of the problem and to challenge your thinking. In the meantime, by practicing these stress management basics you’ll at least lower your stress and facilitate doing the hard work of stress reduction when you’re ready to challenge your interpretations.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Let your body tell you how to achieve a healthy balance
Stress for Success
January 15, 2008


Given that your assessment of your own health (from poor to excellent) predicts your future health and longevity better than a thorough review of your medical records it only benefits you if you pay attention to what your body tells you.

Your body always tells you the truth about how it’s functioning. Paying attention to its subtle and not-so-subtle messages helps you moderate your stress and your habits to help restore your body to a healthy balance – if you choose to. This is particularly important when a physical problem persists.

For instance, Tony (not his real name) had nagging back pain. It hadn’t occurred to him that his body was speaking to him through the discomfort. However, he learned to pay closer attention to what was happening in his life when his back acted up and quickly pinpointed the problem causing it through the journaling technique below.

Tony discovered that his back tightened up every time he paid his bills or worried about his finances. In other words, he was expressing financial stress through back muscle tension. Now he had something he could problem-solve on. He gained this insight by communicating with his body. It told him very quickly what his stressor was and what he needed to do to decrease it.

Use the following technique regularly to stay in touch with your body to reduce the physical consequences of your stress. Before you begin, have a piece of paper and a pen handy.
· Sit comfortably and take a few deep breaths to relax. When you feel ready, close your eyes and scan your body slowly. Start by becoming aware of the top of your head, move down to your forehead and eyes. Notice any signs of discomfort, tension or pain. Focus on the rest of your face, your jaws, your head and down through your neck, into your shoulders and down through your arms and into your hands and fingers.

Notice your torso, both front and back, continuing to look for signs of discomfort. Move down through your hips, your legs and into your feet and toes.

Let your mind go back to just one part of your body that is particularly uncomfortable and focus on that discomfort for a moment ….

If this part of your body could talk to you, what would it tell you to do to decrease your stress?

Take your pen and paper and write a letter to yourself from that part of your body. “Dear ____,” and let the uncomfortable part of your body tell you what’s causing the discomfort and what to do about it. Let the words flow without conscious effort.

It was through this activity that Tony made the connection between backaches and financial worries. After he worked to reduce his financial stress his back started to relax more and over time the pain disappeared.

Generally, if you allow the letter to “write itself” without conscious effort, you’ll receive good guidance. Now you just have to follow your own good advice.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Overcome yes-but and the procrastination it causes
Stress for Success
January 8, 2008


If you want to be a successful procrastinator use the sure-fire technique, the yes-but. "Yes I know that I need to get that done, but not now." It works because it’s obvious what usually follows the but … nothing. "I'd love to apply for that job, but I'm probably not qualified." The yes indicates your interest in the job and the but is the excuse you need to put off trying to get it.

Are you a yes-buter? Dr. Arthur Freeman and Rose DeWolf, authors of The 10 Dumbest Mistakes Smart People Make, say a common reason you may procrastinate in uncomfortable situations is because you have a low tolerance for frustration. But since frustration is a fact of life you'll need to tolerate disagreeable circumstances better if you expect to overcome this very effective stalling practice.

Acknowledging the unpleasantness of your task can help. But don’t go overboard. If your self-talk exaggerates how distasteful the job is you’ll be right back into yes-but. Instead, consciously acknowledge the due date of your commitment and at minimum create a plan of action as described below.

Ultimately, to stop delaying you’ll need to change your yes-but to yes-and. Instead of, "I'd love to apply for that job, but I doubt I'm qualified", say "Yes, I'd love to apply for that job and I need to find out what the qualifications are." Yes-but gives you excuses. Yes-and shows you the steps you need to take.

"Delay is the deadliest form of denial," C. Northcote Parkinson said. So when you hear yourself use the yes-but as an excuse for procrastination immediately do the following:
• Write your project’s goal, e.g., "I want this job."
• Next, list all of the steps you’d need to take to get it, breaking them down
into bite-size pieces:
– Get the phone number for and call the organization for which you want to work
– Ask about the qualifications and if meet them get an application
– Fill out and send in the application
– Follow up with a phone call to the company
– Etc.
• Write down a deadline for each and every step.
• Then commit to each step, one by one. As Mao Tse-tung said, "The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step." Put one foot in front of the other and take one step at a time.

If you’re unwilling to follow through with these steps, decrease your stress by admitting to yourself that you have no intention of looking for this and possibly other jobs. Being honest with yourself about it means you’re being conscious of your choices. “I choose to not pursue this job because I assume I’m not qualified.” Staying conscious increases the likelihood that one day you’ll make a different choice. Perhaps you’ll even pursue a job you fear you’re not qualified for by throwing caution to the wind and researching whether or not you are.

Get out of the nothing-can-be-done mode and instead focus on a starting point. Each time you hear yourself say yes-but stop yourself and instead say yes-and to see what the implied action steps are that you can begin right now! Then start your journey one step at a time.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her mission is to inspire people to live conscious lives of personal responsibility in relations with themselves, with others. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.

Try these ways to improve your health this year
Stress for Success
January 1, 2008

I’m not big on New Year’s resolutions that are never accomplished because unmet goals create stress. So don’t think about the following as resolutions but simply areas that you could improve upon to enhance your longevity and quality of life.

These ideas are also hugely important to stress reduction because they promote "self -efficacy,” meaning that your actions bring about your desired outcomes, translating into greater personal control. A perception of having control automatically reduces your stress. Self-efficacy leads to improved problem-solving, as well, because you feel empowered to look for additional options in dealing with life's ups and downs.

Here are six ideas, reported in Psychology Today, that are backed by accumulating research on how to extend your lifespan.

According to the Journal of Gerontology to add years to your life stay physically active (duh!), whether by walking, biking or gardening. The great news is it works even if you’ve been historically sedentary. Additionally, “… six months of regular aerobic exercise can also reverse the loss of brain tissue that occurs with aging.” Regular physical activity also improves your mood.

Another finding is that lifelong use of two languages promotes longevity by delaying the onset of dementia by four years. Bilingualism "enhances brain vasculature and neural plasticity and increases your attention and cognitive control." The Internet makes learning languages easier. Through our local library you can access a wonderful language learning site called Rosetta Stone. Hurry, though, because I've heard it won’t remain free much longer.

Here’s some great news for wine lovers. According to Current Biology the phytonutrient resveratrol in red grapes and red wine counter aging the same way calorie restriction does. "Both activate a family of enzymes that slow the body’s metabolic machinery and offset the damage of a high calorie diet." Sounds good to me!

The Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health has two suggestions for longevity. "Living in the mountains promotes longevity even if you have high blood lipids and high blood pressure. Adaptation to altitude helps the body cope with lower levels of oxygen, and walking uphill regularly aids the heart."

They also report that close family ties are nice, but having a network of good friends boosts lifespan in old age. Being connected positively influences many physical systems, offsetting stress.

Finally, Psychosomatic Medicine reports that a good marriage counteracts the wear and tear of life on multiple body systems.

So here you have a variety of ideas to increase your lifespan throughout this New Year; drink more red wine, improve your marriage, put more energy into making and keeping great friends, move to the mountains, and as always, exercise more.

If you know in your heart of hearts that you need to improve in any of these areas, over the next year focus on a realistic and attainable goal to do just that. Make it a priority and go for it and see if on New Year's Eve 2009 you're not happy that you did.

Have a wonderful New Year.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Enjoy Christmas, overcome stress
Stress for Success
December 25, 2007

The shopping is done, the gifts are wrapped, dinner’s ready (all of the gifts will be opened and the food consumed in a tiny fraction of the time it took prepare it), the family and the guests are gathering. It’s show time! It’s time to enjoy your loved ones and the reasons you celebrate today.

To enjoy today more with less stress focus on what Christmas means to you.

Christian beliefs celebrate the values of love, joy, hope and charity, etc. So when your sister Jean drives you nuts with her argumentative ways focus on your meaning of Christmas, which I assume includes love. Practice an underappreciated Christian value; acceptance of others as they are. (“Judge not lest ye be judged.”) Your aggravation with her won’t change her ways, it just aggravates you. Accept her and love her as she is (take a deep breath).

If you have a secular belief system Christmas is probably about gathering with loved ones. So when someone imbibes too much challenge yourself to look beyond it and to appreciate something about him; albeit perhaps when he’s sober.

For some, today is very painful because of the loss of a loved one. I wish there were words of wisdom to make this day less stressful. Certainly staying busy tends to help. But ultimately, grieving seems to require going through the difficult emotions vs. ignoring them or avoiding them. Journaling can help but probably just a little.

To find greater pleasure in today devise and repeat a mantra throughout the day, especially when something or someone is getting on your nerves. Identify two to three ways you need to “be” to side-step possible hassles. Would you need to be more patient? Less judgmental? A better listener? More assertive? Less Assertive? Calmer? Less defensive? Precede the two to three ways you need to be with, "I am …"

My favorite affirmation that I’ve used dozens of times over years is, "I'm calm and relaxed, accepting and gracious." It worked so well in the original situation for which I devised it that I've used it to center myself ever since. When I have it on my mind before I'm in a situation that’s likely to trigger me, I virtually always remain calm and relaxed, accepting and gracious. However, once I let my emotions get triggered, it's difficult to respond graciously.

Granted, it's a bit late to expect a new affirmation to work 100% for you, but by creating one right now and repeating it throughout the especially challenging moments today, you’ll center yourself so you can more likely “rise above” (as my mother always said) the events that trigger your stress reaction. Whenever you feel your blood pressure rising repeat your affirmation over and over (and take a deep breath).

Use your affirmation to bring yourself back to center to increase your ability to “be” as you want to be today.

Merry Christmas and strive to remain centered.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization. Stress for Success

Shop for gift of reason
Stress for Success
December 18, 2007


Think about what you’re buying vs. what you need
There are only seven more shopping days until Christmas! You'd better hurry!

Or so Madison Avenue would have you believe. But before you buy another gift for your kids, consider this research.

Lan Nguyen Chaplin of the University of Illinois and Deborah Roedder John of the University of Minnesota found that materialistic values, like preferring "nice sports equipment" to "being good at sports", increases between the ages of eight and nine, and 12 and 13. And it’s not surprising that children with low self-esteem value possessions much more than kids with higher self-esteem.

So if you want to give your kids the best Christmas gift ever, spend more time with them and teach them something new, which enhances their competence thus their self-esteem.

Deprivation can also lead to excessive materialism like for those who felt inadequate growing up in a poor household. On the opposite end of the economic scale, if money, status and image were very important to your parents, you may be more materialistic than your friends.

We’re also brainwashed by the media to buy, buy, buy. Advertisers imply greater happiness if you buy their product; has that ever worked for you? Doubtful.

Judith Levine, author of “Not buying it: my year without shopping”, bought only the necessities for an entire year. She not only saved $8,000 she also spent more time with friends and did more meaningful work. She said she felt liberated and also lonely and bored because she couldn’t do things that cost money but still had to replace her shopper’s “high”.

To cut back on buying things Levine recommends:
▪ Research the history and craftsmanship behind products to help you develop your own tastes versus advertisers’.
▪ When you obsess about shopping distract yourself with non-shopping activities, like exercising, reading or volunteering.
▪ See yourself less as a consumer and more as one who pursues what brings you passion and joy. When you spend, do it on what truly makes you happy in the long run versus the short run.

Also, think before you pull out your credit card:
▪ Differentiate between what you “want” and “need”. You need to eat to survive; you want an expensive meal at that trendy new restaurant.
▪ Before you buy something, weight the possible disadvantages versus the benefits of owning it.
▪ Ask yourself why you want something. If it’s to lift your spirits remember if it works at all it works only temporarily. If it's to improve your status remind yourself that extrinsic rewards (e.g., the sporting equipment) don’t work. Intrinsic rewards (e.g., developing your athletic skills) create true self-esteem.

With this year’s less stable economy it’s a good time to reevaluate your spending habits. Don't buy just for the sake of buying. Instead of racing around madly searching for the perfect gift that’s too soon forgotten and too little appreciated, why not spend time with that person doing something interesting as their Christmas gift instead? It won’t be as good for the economy but it’ll be much better for yours.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Always let your body win
Stress for Success
December 11, 2007


It’s comforting to know that your assessment of your own health more accurately predicts your future health and longevity than a review of your complete medical records (see last week’s article). This supports my commitment of always letting my body win.

Your body never lies to you. When you develop a symptom like insomnia, headaches or constipation, your body’s telling you to minimize the cause, therefore the physical symptom.

Those who consider themselves healthy are better listeners, and, according to recent research, experience a positive influence on their endocrine and immune systems, making them healthier. Those who consider themselves less healthy would be wise to listen more.

Tel Aviv University health psychologist, Yael Benyamani, believes if you think you’re in good health you take better care of yourself. Since healthy habits lead to healthy outcomes, exercising, for example, becomes not only good for your health it also supports your perception of good health, which leads to even more healthy habits; a great cycle.

Benyamani also believes that if you think your health isn’t so great you’ll give in to unhealthy habits like smoking, eating poorly and not exercising. Your belief may not only predict but also cause less healthy outcomes. His advice to those who think they’re less healthy includes:
§ Pay close attention to changes in your physical functioning. When your sleep pattern, appetite, energy level, or what Benyamani calls “vague bodily sensations, not things you’d necessarily tie to specific illnesses” deteriorate
they’re red flags to pay attention to.

For any physical symptom that goes on for more than a few days, figure out its cause. Usually there’s a stressor that has been bothering you since or shortly before the symptom onset. Make a commitment to yourself that for all physical symptoms you’ll let your body win by taking appropriate action. Solve your stressor to reduce the stress therefore your physical symptom. For example, if your physical symptom is exhaustion, get more sleep, take more naps, meditate more versus reach for another cup of coffee to keep going!

§ Pay much more attention to your risky behaviors like smoking, overeating, etc., and acknowledge the potential and actual impact they’re having on your physical and emotional self.

If you choose to do nothing different at least remain consciously aware that it’s your choice; maybe someday you’ll make healthier ones.

It’s common to take years to talk yourself out of a bad habit and into a better one. When you’re in this “contemplation” stage of change, use the time wisely and seek information regarding the potential damage the bad habit causes and the benefits of its corresponding good habit.

§ Depression hinders awareness of the negative impact of bad habits and inhibits taking positive action. Consider counseling, which can pave the way for healthier choices.

Get on your own great cycle: pay much closer attention to the invaluable physical information you gather from inside yourself daily. It’s your roadmap to healthier choices, better health and ultimately a growing perception that you are indeed healthy.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

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Keep looking for relief from physical symptoms
Stress for Success
November 19, 2007


When you experience a new physical problem don’t assume that you have to live with it forever. Look for its cause and mitigate it. For instance, recently I've experienced muscle tension in my hips and know it's from sitting at the computer too much. So I bought a new laptop to vary where and how I sit when working.

Also consider treatments you’ve never tried before like foot reflexology (a valid treatment for my mild muscle tension), Reiki (the most relaxed I’ve ever felt), chiropractic medicine (my chiropractor only works on the area behind my right ear, which I find very helpful), among others.

Out of curiosity recently I turned to acupuncture for a new discomfort in my right hip along with the general muscle tension mentioned above. I selected a local acupuncturist to try this 5000 year-old Chinese approach to healing and have been impressed with the three treatments I've received.

Before my first treatment she told me about acupuncture then I described my symptoms. She encouraged me to tell her about anything else bothering me because she could possibly treat multiple symptoms at the same time, depending upon what they were and their severity. So I told her about fatigued vocal chords and a recent diagnosis of falling arches (good grief!). She treated all of these conditions at the same time.

I'm happy to report that after just one treatment my newer sharp hip soreness absolutely disappeared, my falling arch hasn’t improved, but the tension in my hips is much better. Now after my morning yoga it's like I never had that muscle tension. It's like I'm 25 again (okay, 45)!

Granted, my symptoms were minor. If I'd had more serious ones three visits wouldn’t have been enough. Nor are three visits necessarily enough for my symptoms, time will tell. But given my brief and mostly successful exposure to acupuncture my mind is even more open to it than before.

Some people hesitate trying it for fear of the needles. However, the only time I felt a needle pierce was with the one that she placed in my right heel, which was over in a flash and I wouldn't even categorize it as pain. Otherwise I didn’t even feel the insertion of the other needles.

After she placed the needles she left me to relax for 30 minutes, checking back occasionally, after which she removed the needles and I was on my way. There was nothing uncomfortable or scary about the experience; in fact it was downright interesting and beneficial.

I’m not suggesting that you should try any and all alternative medical treatments. But if your physician hasn't been successful in treating you then do some research into what else is available. If you don't like taking prescription drugs, which Western medicine so quickly prescribes, you'd be an even better candidate for acupuncture.

Ultimately I encourage you to look for something to minimize negative symptoms to feel better, which allows you to remain active, which is good for your physical, mental and emotional self, not to mention your stress level.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Try acupuncture to relieve tension and to quit smoking
Stress for Success
November 13, 2007

Americans are increasingly turning to “alternative” medicine to treat what ails them; often they’re trying Acupuncture.

As I described last week, Acupuncture is based on the belief that when Chi (life energy) is blocked as it travels throughout your body’s energy pathways (meridians) it throws Yin and Yang out of balance causing illness or discomfort. Acupuncture restores the balance by inserting very fine needles into Acupuncture points to facilitate the even circulation of Chi.

Without realizing it, my first encounter with this ancient Chinese approach to healing was back in the 1980s when, out of curiosity, I tried foot reflexology. This is a form of acupressure, which uses fingers or an instrument vs. needles to stimulate ankles and the soles of the feet. It’s based on the belief that different parts of the feet are connected to specific parts of the body. By stimulating the appropriate part of your foot you can reduce the discomfort for the physical problem you’re trying to remedy. For instance, to get relief from sciatic nerve discomfort you would apply pressure to the inner part of your heel.

Our ancestors got plenty of natural acupressure opportunities. They walked on actual earth (vs. concrete) with either no shoes or less “constructed” ones, frequently stepping on pebbles and other hard or sharp objects. This sent an electrical impulse to the corresponding part of the body from the part of the foot that was stimulated. With enough repetitions these small “shocks” cleared out obstructing crystals that cause physical problems. The next time you walk on the beach and step on a shell notice this jolt of energy and in which part of your body (other than your foot) you feel it.

Not only did reflexology feel good to me, it had impressive results for my minor muscle tension.

I have a caution, however. After receiving treatment from a professional I bought a reflexology book and tried it on my husband, who was very skeptical of the practice. The book said to use a pencil eraser and apply as much pressure as possible to the soles of the feet. I did. For the next couple of days, he couldn’t open his jaw! He became a believer that I had over-stimulated something that was apparently connected to his jaw.

My husband had our next experience with another form of Acupuncture, Auriculotherapy (ear acupuncture) to help him quit smoking. Three electrical jolts were sent into each ear lobe to decrease his cravings. (This can also be used to treat other addictions.) It was only intended to help him through the first three days of withdrawal, but those were the worst. So, for it to work, you must want to quit. It was the only treatment that ever helped him kick this unhealthy habit of thirty years.

My most recent experience with Acupuncture was just recently. After writing an article about successful Acupuncture treatments for headaches that lasted for months, I decided I’d finally try it and that’s what I’ll address next week.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Try acupuncture for what ails you
Stress for Success
November 6, 2007


Recently I wrote about research findings of acupuncture treatments for chronic headaches lasting for months. I’d long been curious about Acupuncture so I decided to try it for myself.

In today’s column I’ll explain this ancient treatment. In following ones I’ll describe my own experiences with it.

To me, any “successful” treatment that has stood the test of time is worth considering. Acupuncture certainly meets this criterion. Chinese have practiced it for about 5,000 years for pain relief, the prevention and treatment of disease, and anesthetizing surgical patients.

It’s based on the belief that every living creature has the universal life energy called Chi or Qi, which includes the spiritual, emotional, mental and physical. This energy travels throughout your body along pathways called meridians.

Chi is comprised of two parts: Yin and Yang, which are opposite forces, and when balanced, work together. Yin is represented by female attributes: passive, dark, cold and moist. Yang is signified by male attributes: active, light, warm and dry. Nothing is completely one or the other.

When Chi’s flow is blocked or unstable, Yin and Yang are thrown out of balance, which causes illness. Acupuncture, which literally means “needle piercing”, restores the balance by inserting very fine (and disposable) needles into Acupuncture points (where the meridians come to the skin surface) to facilitate an even circulation of Chi.

Acupuncture commonly treats:
۰ Addictions including food, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes
۰ Arthritic conditions
۰ Headaches, including migraines
۰ Allergies
۰ Tendonitis
۰ Lower back pain, etc.

Besides needle insertion other treatments include:
۰ Cupping: stimulation of acupuncture points through suction; the partial vacuum produces blood congestion at the site of the physical problem; used mostly for low backaches, sprains, soft tissue injuries and relieving fluids from the lungs caused by chronic bronchitis
۰ Auriculotherapy (ear acupuncture): ears have a rich nerve and blood supply and believed to be connected to points throughout the body facilitating treatment of many disorders
۰ Moxibustion: applying heat to acupuncture points used for bronchial asthma, bronchitis, some types of paralysis and arthritic disorders
۰ Acupressure: the use of fingers or an instrument vs. needles; e.g., foot-reflexology where the soles of the feet and ankles are stimulated

There are many attempts to explain why acupuncture seems to work, including that it:
۰ enhances the immune system by raising triglycerides, certain hormones, white blood counts, etc.
۰ stimulates secretion of endorphins, serotonin and noradrenalin
۰ releases vasodilators such as histamine constricting or dilating blood vessels
۰ regulates the part of the nervous system that perceives pain

While not all are convinced, western medicine increasingly accepts Acupuncture. The World Health Organization recognizes more than 30 diseases or conditions, ranging from allergies to tennis elbow that can be helped by it. In 1997 the National Institute of Health stated that for headaches, low back pain, menstrual cramps and carpal tunnel syndrome, “Acupuncture was useful as part of a comprehensive pain management program.”

With Acupuncture’s emphasis on prevention and its 5,000 year track-record I think it has earned our consideration as a treatment option.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Follow the advice in these quotes to manage conflicts better
Stress for Success
October 30, 2007


Often times in my presentations I use pithy quotes to make important points regarding my subject matter. Last week I wrote about two of my favorite ones that communicate great advice for managing conflicts:
۰ “I train people how to treat me.” -- Source Unknown
۰ "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten." -- Dr. Susan Jeffers
These shed light on how we’re responsible to some degree for the outcome in all of our conflicts. Can you see that your reaction in a dispute trains the other person to expect you to behave similarly in the future? For example, if someone comes to you frequently to dump out her heart, isn’t your listening teaching her to come and talk to you again?

If you want to teach her to come to you less often respond differently; if you always listen she’ll always expect you to.

The Bible verse, "Judge not lest ye be judged" also applies to most conflicts since it’s so typical to negatively judge someone with whom you’re having a conflict. Negative judgments are mostly adjectives that describe the person, such as, dependent, arrogant, lazy, good for nothing, etc.

In the above example, when your colleague comes to confide in you for the umpteenth time, you hear yourself think, “Oh not her again! If I hear one more complaint I’m going to scream!” Even though there’s no literal judgment included in this self-talk, it implies one.

No one likes to be judged. Even if you never speak your judgments out loud they leak through your nonverbal communication. When your supplicant approaches you to talk to you again she’ll probably sense something negative coming from you (although some people will be oblivious). If she perceives herself being judged she’ll likely get defensive and resistant.

Rather than the judgmental rolling of your eyes, it would be better for both of you if you’d assertively set limits regarding how frequently, for how long, or if at all, you’re willing to listen to her.

One more quote that’s helpful in dealing with conflicts is, "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem." -- Eldridge Cleaver. If you’re unhappy with the outcome of a situation and you're unwilling to change anything that you’re doing then you’re part of the problem. If she continues to waste your time with her problems and you keep listening, you’re complicit in this undesirable outcome. Put the ball into her court by changing what you’re doing. Train her to treat you differently. She’ll almost have to respond differently in answer to your change. Keep changing until you either run out of options or you get better results.

Take responsibility for what you contribute to every outcome you experience. Instead of judging how the other person is wrong, focus on your own behavior and ask how it influences the outcome. Then, if you’re not satisfied with how the situation is turning out, do something different!
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Changing dance steps may bring different outcome
Stress for Success
October 23, 2007

"I train people how to treat me." (Source unknown)

Think about this in reference to a conflict you're having. It’s so easy to blame the other person, which conveniently allows you to ignore your own complicity. What are you doing to influence the outcome in your conflict?

For example, wives often complain that their husbands aren’t doing enough housework. The tasks, however, somehow seem to get done, but by whom? By her, probably. If so, she’s training him not to do anything because she will.

Harriet Lerner, the author of “The Dance of Anger” likens interpersonal behaviors to a dance. You teach each other your dance steps that eventually become the pattern of your relationship. To change your relationship change your dance steps which, invariably forces the other person to change back to you. It doesn’t always bring the outcome you want so you may have to change your dance steps again and again.

If you want him to do more housework, stop doing it all yourself. Train him not to expect you to do everything. Put the ball into his court by negotiating a fairer deal or by announcing what you will and won’t do, then let him decide how to respond.

Ultimately, if he never shares the work no matter what you do, you have a decision to make. A TV marriage counselor asked a wife who was complaining about this very issue with her husband, “Is this a divorceable issue?” The wife answered, “No, of course not.” The therapist said, “Then let it go. Stop trying to change him.”

Not fair, you say? Perhaps, but you still have choices. If you continue doing everything you’ll have taught him you’ll change your dance step a few times but if he holds out long enough, you’ll cave.

All I know is that "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten," (from the book "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" by Dr. Susan Jeffers). This is the bottom line rule in dealing with conflicts: change what you’re doing if you want a different outcome.

Like with coworkers who constantly ask you to help them with software problems you’re training them to ask you when you comply. If you keep fixing they'll keep requesting. Ask yourself, “What are my options?” To get a different outcome do something different.

Since you’ve trained them to come to you it only seems fair that you give some warning before you stop helping them. You could say, "I know I've fixed your computer problems in the past, but I really don’t have the time to help, so I’ll help you one more time, then you’re on your own."

Why should anyone change when they’re happy with the way things are? Whoever isn’t happy is the one who needs to adjust. Since waiting for others to change proves to be a very long wait, figure out what outcome you want and which dance steps would most likely lead you there. Then start dancing your new step.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Conflicts can lead to stressful power struggles
Stress for Success
October 16, 2007

Too often we assume in conflicts that only one party can get his or her way. If you get what you want then that must mean I won’t get what I want; the infamous win-lose formula, which leads to power struggles and stress.

Conflicts tend to escalate when participants fight for what they want, for what’s called their “positions”. To de-escalate it would be better to focus on their “interests,” which expose additional options not seen from a position-only-focus.

Your position in a conflict is what you want. Your interests are why you want what you want. Here’s a simple example.
۰ You and your spouse are discussing what you’ll do on Friday night. You want to go to the beach and he wants to go out dancing. If you’re stuck in a power struggle you’ll both probably fight to get your way; if the other seems to be “winning” you’ll fight harder.

Instead, ask why each of you wants what you want.
۰ Why do you want to go to the beach? “To spend a quiet and relaxing evening, just the two of us,” you say.
۰ Why does he want to go dancing? He wants exercise.

Are there other things you could do that would be relaxing for you and provide exercise for him? (Keep it clean.) You could dance on the beach, go to a beach restaurant at sunset and dance, walk the beach, or you could dance at home. You get the picture.

Here’s a more typical and complicated conflict example. Two colleagues are working on the same project. Kim tells Don she has to move up the deadline, which Don says he can’t meet. Each party’s position; what each wants:
۰ Kim wants to move up the deadline
۰ Don wants to leave it as is

Each person’s interests are identified by asking why each wants what they want:
۰ Kim wants to move the project to the next level before her vacation, for which she already has reservations
۰ Don needs the time as originally planned to do a thorough job and besides coaching his son’s soccer team takes up his extra time

Do their interests suggest ideas that could resolve this conflict?

To satisfy Kim’s desire to move the project to the next level before her vacation could they put more time into the project before she leaves? This would allow her to feel comfortable with their original deadline. If necessary, she could help him with his other deadlines to free up his time to accommodate this temporary, extra workload. She could enjoy her vacation knowing that he continues to work on their project in her absence doing his desired, thorough job. Upon her return they could finish up the project and meet their original deadline.

For this idea to work, a solution must be more important than winning. If winning is more important to them then they could take off their gloves and go for it. And may the better fighter win.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Balance life between today, pursuit of goals
Stress for Success
October 9, 2007

Balance: a state of equilibrium, equal distribution of weight, amount, etc. Seeking balance in your life is a cornerstone of stress management; such as don’t under- or over-exercise, if you’re too passive you’d be wise to become more assertive, etc.

Recently I’ve addressed an excellent book, “Finding Flow” by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, where the author encourages you to live your life by setting and working toward goals that stretch your skills. Following his advice can create a life of greater meaning and happiness. Creating “flow” activities also discourages your mind from ruminating on the negative.

But some people take this to the extreme, putting far too much energy into pursuing goals leading to a state of imbalance, focusing continually on the future while missing much of today. Like the hard-driving “successful” person who rides right into a beautiful sunset without even noticing it. Being goal-oriented is great but not to the exclusion of the here and now.

Others would say focusing on future goals is largely a waste of time because as Buddhism believes one’s reality is in the present moment; the here and now. To practitioners, focusing on the future means missing reality. Besides, working so tirelessly on goal attainment often doesn't bring you the satisfaction you’d hoped for anyway. Another benefit of living in the moment is that it facilitates mental and emotional balance because it means giving up your worries about the future and your regrets about the past.

But focusing exclusively on the here and now may not prepare you for the future.
The reality of living in our economic society, for example, requires knowing where your next paycheck is coming from to pay bills and that requires at least some level of planning for the future.

This is where balance comes in. Over-focusing on tomorrow means missing today; ask any parent who has over-focused on a career and missed out on kids growing up.
Whereas over-focusing on today may find someone in love with the spontaneous but forgetting important work deadlines or other commitments.

The trick is to seek balance. The more an imbalance pushes down one side of the scale the more you need to rectify it by doing something very unlike the cause to create a better equilibrium. Then watch your symptoms of imbalance begin to dissipate.

For example, you high-speeders racing into the future might want to balance your goal-focused tendencies by increasing your mindfulness of things you do daily like eating meals slowly and focusing your attention on the flavors, textures, and sensations of the food. Regular meditation would be great for you.

Or if you tend to mostly live in the moment scraping together your rent money, prepare a budget and figure out where your necessary income will come from. Set goals of how to adjust your income and expenses.

Balancing how much you focus on the present and the future allows you to enjoy the opportunities of the moment as well as plan for and secure your future.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Flow activities can help decrease negative thinking and feeling
Stress for Success
October 2, 2007

When you’re not actively focusing on something do your thoughts easily drift to what’s wrong in your life? Shad Helmstetter, author of “What to Say When You Talk to Yourself”, reports that the average person experiences 80% negative self-talk! Now that’s stress!

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, author of "Finding Flow", says that when your attention isn’t focused on goals your mind wanders and settles on the negative. This leads to distracting yourself through passive leisure activities like TV, drugs, etc.

Operating in flow prohibits distracting thoughts and negative feelings because your attention is so focused on accomplishing something. Minor aches and pains also drift to the background of your awareness.

Csikscentimihalyi says to create goals on which to focus. “… goals shape and determine the kind of person you become. Without them it's difficult to develop a coherent self.”

To balance your moods, strive for "flow" through clearly defined goals that require stretching your skills to overcome a challenge that’s almost manageable; not too easy nor difficult. When in flow you're motivated and focused on the activity which becomes effortless, even when the goal is difficult to achieve. You can lose track of time. To be in flow also requires that you receive valid and immediate feedback on how well you're doing. So in dealing with an upset customer your feedback is how quickly (or not!) he calms down.

Don’t assume that leisure produces most of your flow experiences; especially if you spend your leisure time passively, without goals and without stretching your skills. This only fuels stressful thinking.

As I stated last week, Csikszentmihalyi has found that most of our flow comes from work. Some jobs don’t offer much opportunity for flow, however, because:
· the work is meaningless
· it provides no variety or challenge
· it's too stressful especially when there’s many interpersonal problems

To create more flow on the job your challenge is to put more meaning into your work. Don’t wait for your boss to do it for you. Figure it out yourself:
· Add value to any task by knowing how it impacts the entire operation. E.g., Filing paperwork seems meaningless unless you understand that it facilitates your coworkers’ quick access to information so they can improve customer service.
· Accept that the way things are being done is not necessarily the only way. Look for new and better ways to improve the outcome.
· Match your skills to each challenge. For example, a toll booth worker decided to make her job more interesting and challenging by setting a goal to get 25% of her customers to smile at her as they tossed their money at her. After she achieved that, she increased her goal to 50%. When this no longer motivated her she’d look for other ways to improve.

So take charge of your moods and thoughts by focusing on your task at hand, whether pleasant or unpleasant, leisure or professional. Set and achieve goals that challenge your skills and notice your unpleasant moods start to fade.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.