‘Island’ life suffocates your well-being
If dissatisfied socially, try these suggestions
January 23, 2007
Stress for Success

Al, a retired schoolteacher and widower has led a lonely existence since his wife of 35 years died. He stopped going to church, their previous circle of friends withdrew, and he has no close family. He eats alone, watches a lot of TV to pass time and talks mostly to the mail carrier and an occasional neighbor.

“No man is an island, …” said English poet John Donne. Al is alone on his island and puts himself at risk for illness and depression. As difficult as it may be to start a new life, it’s in his best interests to do so since studies show healthy relationships reduce stress translating into improved health and life satisfaction.

Not just widowers but anyone who is dissatisfied with their social circle would be wise to reach out to a variety of people who’d offer you one or more of the following:
• a great time laughing and enjoying life
• support and the gift of attention
• challenge how you see the world (if you surround yourself with yes-people you’ll never grow)
• desired advice

There are tons of places to meet new people. Leave your island and go do the things you’re interested in and love to do such as take classes, go to museums or sporting events, join a club or a professional organization, volunteer, travel, accept invitations and just start talking to people normally wouldn’t.

Then, to create healthier relationships with new friends and existing ones, try these ideas:
• Assume innocent intent: when you’re quick to assume someone has negative intent you’re looking for trouble and you’ll likely find it. For example, instead of assuming your spouse is lazy for not doing housework when asked, assume he prefers to do it when he’s ready (I know this is radical).
• Give people the gift of your attention: you invest your attention and energy into what you most value. Watching TV four hours/night means you value that more than anything else.
– A survey by PA State University and University of MD found that adults who average 16 hours/week of TV were the least likely to socialize with friends, take classes or play sports.
• Do more things for the sheer sake of fun!
• Be supportive, especially when it’s needed through phone calls, emails, flowers, cards. When your friend is going through tough times give her extra attention.
• Listen nonjudgmentally: the best support of all
• Show your appreciation: communicate in a variety of ways that you appreciate not only your relationship but also specific things about her, like her ability to make you laugh.
• Don’t make your friendship a competition: don’t take it personally if you call her more than she calls you. If you’re calling 100% I might question the friendship, but it doesn’t have to be exactly 50/50.

For the sake of your mental and physical health leave your island more often and invite people to visit you there. Connectedness is largely what it’s all about in this life. Without it you shrivel and fade.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.