Human connections ease pain
It is important to be open to support, love when grieving
Stress for Success
May 11, 2010
The loss of a loved one is a special kind of stress. Your world can be fine one moment and upside-down the next. Your grieving symptoms can run from fuzzy thinking to muscle tension to depression to illness.
Once again I find myself grieving the loss of a loved one only six months after my step-son passed away. This time it’s an older, prankster brother - who’d douse my sheets with water in the middle of MN winters and ditch my glasses in the toilet just for fun. He succumbed to cancer, a cruel disease made worse by his horrible treatment hell.
Over the past year of his battle I, of course, worried about him but mostly wouldn’t let myself go there. His situation was so beyond my control and worrying only increases stress. I mostly redirected my thinking to something within my control like imaging his cancer shrinking (which obviously did no good other than to keep me from worrying).
Going through this with him proved to me once again that human connections ease the pain. It’s refreshingly amazing during trying times how people come out of the woodwork to do kind things, like the local doctor who doesn’t know me from anyone but emailed me Internet research study links that might help my brother. There’s goodness everywhere.
I’m grateful for the support I received from so many like my husband keeping a close eye on me, especially at the funeral. Friends and my “paloaltos” and other members of the symphony chorus I sing with who inquired about my brother, suggested resources and checked to see that I was OK. All made me feel loved and protected with their many phone calls, emails, hugs and offers of help.
After my parents passed away so closely together in 1998 I took a grieving class at Hope Hospice in Fort Myers. Everyone else in this group was grieving the loss of a spouse, which taught me two very important things:
* Appreciate my husband while I have him;
* When a spouse dies your entire life changes;
My life hasn’t changed appreciably with my brother’s passing. My sister-in-law’s has. Everything has changed for her. Any goals they shared are now up in the air. Her future looks totally different whereas mine doesn’t. It’s safe to say her stress far outweighs mine. With her best friend by her side the entire time before, during and after the funeral she has the best kind of support to begin her grieving. She, as everyone else, will move through it in her own way. We all grieve differently.
It’s said that it’s better to give than to receive but when you’re grieving it’s important to be willing to receive others’ support. When you lose your spouse it’s even more important to open yourself to the power of love from supportive others. Let it bathe you in the power of human connection, facilitating your movement through your grief. So, I’m going to call my sister-in-law now, it’ll be good for both of us.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Friendship influenced by biology
Women, men differ, believe it or not
Stress for Success
April 13, 2010
Is it natural that women are likelier than men to have more close friends? Since this behavioral pattern is found in animals it does suggest that turning to others probably has biological origins.
According to UCLA psychologist Shelly Taylor, “females enjoy the comfort of one another’s company,” like prairie vole males who react to stressful conditions by seeking out their female mates, while females turn to other females. And female bonobo monkeys form intense, long-lasting bonds with other females, much more so than males.
And in both humans and animals the pattern of nurturing well -- or not -- is passed on. Vervet monkeys, for example, who were mistreated or deprived in infancy don’t mother their own offspring as well as nurtured monkeys do. Humans who were abused as children are more likely to become abusive parents, too, according to Taylor and many researchers. Additionally, children who don’t receive much physical attention or warmth are at risk for a wide range of serious physical and mental health problems.
Across cultures females are taught to care for others from an early age. Playing with dolls, caring for younger siblings, baby-sitting others’ children and eventually caring for their own kids, parents and even in-laws, are typical for most females.
Taylor goes on to say that relationships are vital and that “social ties are the cheapest medicine we have.” What great health care is that?
I’ve written before about women’s possible built-in advantage in coping with chronic stress due to the hormone oxytocin , which facilitates child birth and nursing and is experienced by both genders during orgasm and bonding. Some researchers believe this bonding hormone protects women against the ravages of too much exposure to the fight/flight hormones. (Oxytocin doesn’t seem to protect stressed men since their testosterone interferes with it.) This suggests that attachment behavior, more associated with females, is a natural stress inoculant giving females a distinct survival advantage. This is a wonderful antidote for stress that women should continue to rely upon. Men could also put more energy into their relationships and reap similar benefits.
But is this hormonal difference a blessing and a curse to women?
Psychologist Alice Domar at the Mind/Body Medical Institute at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston says data clearly show that women are more stressed on a daily basis than are men and not because they ruminate more as once thought.
“Men worry about three things: their immediate family, job and money,” she says. “Women worry on a daily basis about up to 12 things: their immediate family, job, money, extended family, friends, their kids’ friends, the way the house looks, their weight, the dog, etc.”
So women may have a built-in resiliency to stress with additional oxytocin releases but also have more stress, much of it over the very relationships that protect women from stress. The trick to this is to stop stewing about anything and anyone beyond your control and when you feel stressed call a friend, or make a friend if you don’t have one.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Women, men differ, believe it or not
Stress for Success
April 13, 2010
Is it natural that women are likelier than men to have more close friends? Since this behavioral pattern is found in animals it does suggest that turning to others probably has biological origins.
According to UCLA psychologist Shelly Taylor, “females enjoy the comfort of one another’s company,” like prairie vole males who react to stressful conditions by seeking out their female mates, while females turn to other females. And female bonobo monkeys form intense, long-lasting bonds with other females, much more so than males.
And in both humans and animals the pattern of nurturing well -- or not -- is passed on. Vervet monkeys, for example, who were mistreated or deprived in infancy don’t mother their own offspring as well as nurtured monkeys do. Humans who were abused as children are more likely to become abusive parents, too, according to Taylor and many researchers. Additionally, children who don’t receive much physical attention or warmth are at risk for a wide range of serious physical and mental health problems.
Across cultures females are taught to care for others from an early age. Playing with dolls, caring for younger siblings, baby-sitting others’ children and eventually caring for their own kids, parents and even in-laws, are typical for most females.
Taylor goes on to say that relationships are vital and that “social ties are the cheapest medicine we have.” What great health care is that?
I’ve written before about women’s possible built-in advantage in coping with chronic stress due to the hormone oxytocin , which facilitates child birth and nursing and is experienced by both genders during orgasm and bonding. Some researchers believe this bonding hormone protects women against the ravages of too much exposure to the fight/flight hormones. (Oxytocin doesn’t seem to protect stressed men since their testosterone interferes with it.) This suggests that attachment behavior, more associated with females, is a natural stress inoculant giving females a distinct survival advantage. This is a wonderful antidote for stress that women should continue to rely upon. Men could also put more energy into their relationships and reap similar benefits.
But is this hormonal difference a blessing and a curse to women?
Psychologist Alice Domar at the Mind/Body Medical Institute at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston says data clearly show that women are more stressed on a daily basis than are men and not because they ruminate more as once thought.
“Men worry about three things: their immediate family, job and money,” she says. “Women worry on a daily basis about up to 12 things: their immediate family, job, money, extended family, friends, their kids’ friends, the way the house looks, their weight, the dog, etc.”
So women may have a built-in resiliency to stress with additional oxytocin releases but also have more stress, much of it over the very relationships that protect women from stress. The trick to this is to stop stewing about anything and anyone beyond your control and when you feel stressed call a friend, or make a friend if you don’t have one.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Stress plays role in weight gain
Dissolve tensions by resolving issues
Stress for Success
March 23, 2010
Unless you’ve ignored all news over recent decades you know that obesity either causes or worsens six of the seven most common chronic diseases that fuel sky-rocketing health care costs, including diabetes and heart disease. There’s a plethora of programs to help you lose weight, some more effective than others. Yet the obesity epidemic continues, disturbingly and increasingly among children.
But losing weight isn’t only about eating a healthier diet and moving your body more, crucial as these are. Another very important contributor to weight gain – stress - needs to also be acknowledged and addressed if true weight loss is to be sustained over the long haul.
Americans are vulnerable to too much stress due to our society’s fast pace and to our penchant for so little time off from work. If we took as many days off as the German’s – the average American works 12.5 weeks more/year – how many of us would simply get another job rather than enjoy the time off? It’s not only corporate America who’s stingy with time off; it seems that workaholism is part of the American psyche. But over the years it takes its toll on our collective health.
Exacerbating this traditional stressful lifestyle is our rotten economy creating chronic stress for most of us. Chronic stress typically triggers weight gain, which can lead to obesity, which contributes to so many diseases.
You can find yourself packing on the pounds when you’re under increased pressure because when stressed your survival brain tells you to eat more carbohydrates. It would be one thing if you reached for complex carbs like carrot sticks but of course we tend to go for donuts or other refined flour and high-fat foods, contributing to diabetes and heart disease.
But becoming consciously aware that the urge to eat carbohydrates is part of the normal stress response can help you make healthier choices. Additionally, just because your brain pushes you to eat carbs, doesn’t mean you have to eat the bad ones. You could choose to eat healthy ones. Hopefully all weight loss programs tell you this.
You can lose all the weight you want but if you’re still highly stressed you’ll have to fight this carbohydrate urge endlessly. So, include a stress reduction plan along with your weight loss regimen, heart-healthy plan, or your diabetes management approach.
The most effective strategy for stress reduction is to face your challenges and solve them. What are your options regarding each stressor? If you can’t see any talk to someone who could help you. By reducing your stress you’ll diminish your natural stress response’s urge for carbs.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Dissolve tensions by resolving issues
Stress for Success
March 23, 2010
Unless you’ve ignored all news over recent decades you know that obesity either causes or worsens six of the seven most common chronic diseases that fuel sky-rocketing health care costs, including diabetes and heart disease. There’s a plethora of programs to help you lose weight, some more effective than others. Yet the obesity epidemic continues, disturbingly and increasingly among children.
But losing weight isn’t only about eating a healthier diet and moving your body more, crucial as these are. Another very important contributor to weight gain – stress - needs to also be acknowledged and addressed if true weight loss is to be sustained over the long haul.
Americans are vulnerable to too much stress due to our society’s fast pace and to our penchant for so little time off from work. If we took as many days off as the German’s – the average American works 12.5 weeks more/year – how many of us would simply get another job rather than enjoy the time off? It’s not only corporate America who’s stingy with time off; it seems that workaholism is part of the American psyche. But over the years it takes its toll on our collective health.
Exacerbating this traditional stressful lifestyle is our rotten economy creating chronic stress for most of us. Chronic stress typically triggers weight gain, which can lead to obesity, which contributes to so many diseases.
You can find yourself packing on the pounds when you’re under increased pressure because when stressed your survival brain tells you to eat more carbohydrates. It would be one thing if you reached for complex carbs like carrot sticks but of course we tend to go for donuts or other refined flour and high-fat foods, contributing to diabetes and heart disease.
But becoming consciously aware that the urge to eat carbohydrates is part of the normal stress response can help you make healthier choices. Additionally, just because your brain pushes you to eat carbs, doesn’t mean you have to eat the bad ones. You could choose to eat healthy ones. Hopefully all weight loss programs tell you this.
You can lose all the weight you want but if you’re still highly stressed you’ll have to fight this carbohydrate urge endlessly. So, include a stress reduction plan along with your weight loss regimen, heart-healthy plan, or your diabetes management approach.
The most effective strategy for stress reduction is to face your challenges and solve them. What are your options regarding each stressor? If you can’t see any talk to someone who could help you. By reducing your stress you’ll diminish your natural stress response’s urge for carbs.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Employers can help cut health care costs
Stress for Success
March 9, 2010
Health care costs are exploding and endangering our economic recovery and future stability. Government can’t fix the cause. Only we can because we, individually, are the cause.
First, here are some of the facts.
Employers’ average per employee cost for health care grew from $6,384 in 2003 to $9,312 in 2008. During these same years, employees’ share of their own health care costs increased 59%, creating great stress among many. (Source: Towers Perrin 2008 Health Care Cost Survey)
The cost of health insurance premiums has far outpaced the rate of inflation and earnings over the past 20 years (source: Kaiser Family Foundation, 2005) and if food prices had risen at the same rate since the 1930s we’d be paying:
* $80.20for a dozen eggs;
* $13.70 for a pound of sugar;
* $122.48 for a pound of bacon;
And no wonder our premiums have skyrocketed. An Indiana University-Purdue University, Fort Wayne Study in 2006 found that employee lifestyle counts for a vast majority of health care claims costs: 87.5% to be exact! This seems extreme to me because it doesn’t seem to take into account our genetic weaknesses. My belief is that your genetics, along with your good and bad habits of a lifetime determine which afflictions you’ll suffer. Your stress level throughout your life will determine when your genetic weaknesses will kick in.
Having said that, if your workforce is typical compared to national demographics there are health risks and costs you face. For every 100 employees you can expect:
* 25 to have cardio vascular disease;
* 12 asthma;
* 6 diabetes;
* 26 high blood pressure;
* 30 high cholesterol;
* 38 overweight;
* 21 smoke;
* 31 use alcohol excessively;
* 24 don’t exercise;
* 44 suffer from stress;
To pay for rising healthcare employers have increased copays and deductibles and switched providers. This has only restrained costs for awhile so employers are now working to motivate employees to live a healthier lifestyle through wellness programs. Impressively 62% of all companies offer them. This is great news!
The National Business Group on Health in 2005 documented the many benefits organizations realize after implementing workplace wellness programs. Below they’re listed in order of their benefit:
* Increased morale, 56%;
* Employee health improvement, 41%;
* Reduce health care costs, 27%;
* Reduce accidents on the job, 9%;
* Reduce absenteeism, 8%;
* Increase productivity, 8%;
So is an employer’s return on investment worth the cost of a wellness program? What is the savings per dollar invested? Many published studies on worksite wellness found that the ROI is $3.48:1 due to reduced medical costs and $5.82:1 due to reduced absenteeism. (Sources: Aldana, SG, 2001, and Chapman, LS, 2005)
But after all is said and done, “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.” Will your employees drink from the wellness stream? After all, the improvement in our health must ultimately be done by us individually, my topic for next week.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Stress for Success
March 9, 2010
Health care costs are exploding and endangering our economic recovery and future stability. Government can’t fix the cause. Only we can because we, individually, are the cause.
First, here are some of the facts.
Employers’ average per employee cost for health care grew from $6,384 in 2003 to $9,312 in 2008. During these same years, employees’ share of their own health care costs increased 59%, creating great stress among many. (Source: Towers Perrin 2008 Health Care Cost Survey)
The cost of health insurance premiums has far outpaced the rate of inflation and earnings over the past 20 years (source: Kaiser Family Foundation, 2005) and if food prices had risen at the same rate since the 1930s we’d be paying:
* $80.20for a dozen eggs;
* $13.70 for a pound of sugar;
* $122.48 for a pound of bacon;
And no wonder our premiums have skyrocketed. An Indiana University-Purdue University, Fort Wayne Study in 2006 found that employee lifestyle counts for a vast majority of health care claims costs: 87.5% to be exact! This seems extreme to me because it doesn’t seem to take into account our genetic weaknesses. My belief is that your genetics, along with your good and bad habits of a lifetime determine which afflictions you’ll suffer. Your stress level throughout your life will determine when your genetic weaknesses will kick in.
Having said that, if your workforce is typical compared to national demographics there are health risks and costs you face. For every 100 employees you can expect:
* 25 to have cardio vascular disease;
* 12 asthma;
* 6 diabetes;
* 26 high blood pressure;
* 30 high cholesterol;
* 38 overweight;
* 21 smoke;
* 31 use alcohol excessively;
* 24 don’t exercise;
* 44 suffer from stress;
To pay for rising healthcare employers have increased copays and deductibles and switched providers. This has only restrained costs for awhile so employers are now working to motivate employees to live a healthier lifestyle through wellness programs. Impressively 62% of all companies offer them. This is great news!
The National Business Group on Health in 2005 documented the many benefits organizations realize after implementing workplace wellness programs. Below they’re listed in order of their benefit:
* Increased morale, 56%;
* Employee health improvement, 41%;
* Reduce health care costs, 27%;
* Reduce accidents on the job, 9%;
* Reduce absenteeism, 8%;
* Increase productivity, 8%;
So is an employer’s return on investment worth the cost of a wellness program? What is the savings per dollar invested? Many published studies on worksite wellness found that the ROI is $3.48:1 due to reduced medical costs and $5.82:1 due to reduced absenteeism. (Sources: Aldana, SG, 2001, and Chapman, LS, 2005)
But after all is said and done, “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.” Will your employees drink from the wellness stream? After all, the improvement in our health must ultimately be done by us individually, my topic for next week.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Playing more can help avoid burnout
Stress for Success
February 22, 2010
Is “free-play,” spontaneous versus structured play like sports, genetically programmed into us? Is it a survival skill?
The animal kingdom sheds light on this. Do young animals play? If you’ve ever had puppies or kittens, seen animals in the wild or watched squirrels in your yard you know the answer’s a resounding “yes.”
Play may be a very ancient evolutionary development. Rats that had their neocortex removed, the brain region in humans involved in executive thinking, still engage in normal play suggesting that the urge to play originates in the brain stem, a portion of the brain that preceded mammals. “This means that the core, genetically-provided circuitry for play is situated in the very ancient regions of the brain,” explains Jaak Panksepp, now of Washington State University, who led this experiment in 1994.
Research over decades has shown that children who experience substantial free-play develop more normal social, emotional and cognitive skills. They become better adjusted, smarter and less stressed.
Play is also important to adults. It’s one of the best ways to stave off burnout, which is very important since burnout is difficult to defeat, especially when it’s advanced.
In the 1980s I burned out quickly after only two years in the mental health field. I could barely get out of bed on Monday mornings. Again, in 1998 I became burned out after caring for both of my parents with their respective end-of-life illnesses. I lost virtually all interest in my work, which was highly unusual for me since I’ve always loved my present profession.
Both bouts of burnout required drastic changes of me. The first episode pushed me to quit working for others and start my own business. The more recent spate motivated my husband and me to sell his business and our home to travel the country for a year in a motor home. I doubt any tweaking around the edges would have cured me since I allowed my burnout to reach fever pitch requiring a total makeover to recover from it.
A much better prescription for avoiding burnout to begin with is to get enough play. Without it, your lifestyle’s frenetic busyness can wear you down.
Here are three ways to increase adulthood play. To be effective, make sure there are no time pressures and goals to accomplish:
* Physical play requiring active movement;
* Object play using your hands to create something you enjoy;
* Social play has you joining others in social activities from conversations to games;
Do something that’s fun for you. What did you enjoy doing as a kid? Can you do that again in your current life? Spend time with kids who are playing. Don’t wait for work to lessen because it doesn’t. Schedule time for play or you won’t do it.
Don’t worry that it’s wasting time since it will make you more productive at work. Splurge by doing something fun at least weekly. Use it or lose it; have more fun or you’ll lose the ability.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Stress for Success
February 22, 2010
Is “free-play,” spontaneous versus structured play like sports, genetically programmed into us? Is it a survival skill?
The animal kingdom sheds light on this. Do young animals play? If you’ve ever had puppies or kittens, seen animals in the wild or watched squirrels in your yard you know the answer’s a resounding “yes.”
Play may be a very ancient evolutionary development. Rats that had their neocortex removed, the brain region in humans involved in executive thinking, still engage in normal play suggesting that the urge to play originates in the brain stem, a portion of the brain that preceded mammals. “This means that the core, genetically-provided circuitry for play is situated in the very ancient regions of the brain,” explains Jaak Panksepp, now of Washington State University, who led this experiment in 1994.
Research over decades has shown that children who experience substantial free-play develop more normal social, emotional and cognitive skills. They become better adjusted, smarter and less stressed.
Play is also important to adults. It’s one of the best ways to stave off burnout, which is very important since burnout is difficult to defeat, especially when it’s advanced.
In the 1980s I burned out quickly after only two years in the mental health field. I could barely get out of bed on Monday mornings. Again, in 1998 I became burned out after caring for both of my parents with their respective end-of-life illnesses. I lost virtually all interest in my work, which was highly unusual for me since I’ve always loved my present profession.
Both bouts of burnout required drastic changes of me. The first episode pushed me to quit working for others and start my own business. The more recent spate motivated my husband and me to sell his business and our home to travel the country for a year in a motor home. I doubt any tweaking around the edges would have cured me since I allowed my burnout to reach fever pitch requiring a total makeover to recover from it.
A much better prescription for avoiding burnout to begin with is to get enough play. Without it, your lifestyle’s frenetic busyness can wear you down.
Here are three ways to increase adulthood play. To be effective, make sure there are no time pressures and goals to accomplish:
* Physical play requiring active movement;
* Object play using your hands to create something you enjoy;
* Social play has you joining others in social activities from conversations to games;
Do something that’s fun for you. What did you enjoy doing as a kid? Can you do that again in your current life? Spend time with kids who are playing. Don’t wait for work to lessen because it doesn’t. Schedule time for play or you won’t do it.
Don’t worry that it’s wasting time since it will make you more productive at work. Splurge by doing something fun at least weekly. Use it or lose it; have more fun or you’ll lose the ability.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Free-play a serious matter
Stress for Success
February 16, 2010
My mother often said, “You’re young so short a time. Enjoy it. Play. Don’t try to grow up so fast.” And play we did. Didn’t you? With neighborhood kids we rode bikes, swam at the community pool, had snow-ball fights, and played Simon Says until we had to go home.
Many kids today are experiencing very different childhoods. “Free-play” is losing some of its luster. A 2005 paper in The Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine stated that children’s free-play time decreased by 25% between 1981 and 1997. Structured activities like music lessons and sports are taking its place in parents’ attempt to get their kids into the right schools. But this reduces free-play.
Kids who don’t experience free-play may grow into apprehensive, socially neurotic adults and are at greater risk for violence. Psychiatrist Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play in Carmel Valley, CA, found that most killers had two things in common: they were from abusive homes and they never played as kids. From his research he discovered that a lack of unstructured, imaginative play can keep children from growing into happy, well-adjusted adults.
A 1997 study of children living in poverty and at high risk of school failure found that those who attended play-oriented preschools were more socially adjusted later in life than those who attended play-free preschools where teachers continually directed them. By age 23, more than one third of kids who’d attended play-free preschools had been arrested for felonies versus fewer than one tenth of play-oriented preschoolers.
“The consequence of a life that is seriously play-deprived is serious stuff,” Brown says. But it’s never too late to start.
But why is free-play better than structured activities like soccer?
According to University of Minnesota educational psychologist, Anthony D. Pellegrini, “games have a priori rules – set up in advance and followed. Play … doesn’t have a priori rules, so it affords more creative responses.” This challenges kids’ developing brains more than following predetermined rules by using their imaginations trying out new behaviors and roles.
Free-play versus being told how to behave helps kids develop stronger social skills. By interacting with peers, they discover what’s acceptable and what’s not. They learn to be fair and take turns or risk losing friends. When having fun, they don’t give up as easily when frustrated as they might on a school problem, which helps them develop perseverance and negotiating skills. Additionally, to keep things friendly kids must communicate, the most important social skill of all. Peer play is the most important in this respect since children use more sophisticated language when playing with other children than when playing with adults.
According to Gordon Burghardt author of “The Genesis of Animal Play,” the free-play activity shouldn’t have a clear goal and children should initiate and create their own scenarios like pretending to be doctors or play house.
So, I guess my mother was right to let kids be kids. Mental well-being and social maturity are more important than getting into the perfect school anyway.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Stress for Success
February 16, 2010
My mother often said, “You’re young so short a time. Enjoy it. Play. Don’t try to grow up so fast.” And play we did. Didn’t you? With neighborhood kids we rode bikes, swam at the community pool, had snow-ball fights, and played Simon Says until we had to go home.
Many kids today are experiencing very different childhoods. “Free-play” is losing some of its luster. A 2005 paper in The Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine stated that children’s free-play time decreased by 25% between 1981 and 1997. Structured activities like music lessons and sports are taking its place in parents’ attempt to get their kids into the right schools. But this reduces free-play.
Kids who don’t experience free-play may grow into apprehensive, socially neurotic adults and are at greater risk for violence. Psychiatrist Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play in Carmel Valley, CA, found that most killers had two things in common: they were from abusive homes and they never played as kids. From his research he discovered that a lack of unstructured, imaginative play can keep children from growing into happy, well-adjusted adults.
A 1997 study of children living in poverty and at high risk of school failure found that those who attended play-oriented preschools were more socially adjusted later in life than those who attended play-free preschools where teachers continually directed them. By age 23, more than one third of kids who’d attended play-free preschools had been arrested for felonies versus fewer than one tenth of play-oriented preschoolers.
“The consequence of a life that is seriously play-deprived is serious stuff,” Brown says. But it’s never too late to start.
But why is free-play better than structured activities like soccer?
According to University of Minnesota educational psychologist, Anthony D. Pellegrini, “games have a priori rules – set up in advance and followed. Play … doesn’t have a priori rules, so it affords more creative responses.” This challenges kids’ developing brains more than following predetermined rules by using their imaginations trying out new behaviors and roles.
Free-play versus being told how to behave helps kids develop stronger social skills. By interacting with peers, they discover what’s acceptable and what’s not. They learn to be fair and take turns or risk losing friends. When having fun, they don’t give up as easily when frustrated as they might on a school problem, which helps them develop perseverance and negotiating skills. Additionally, to keep things friendly kids must communicate, the most important social skill of all. Peer play is the most important in this respect since children use more sophisticated language when playing with other children than when playing with adults.
According to Gordon Burghardt author of “The Genesis of Animal Play,” the free-play activity shouldn’t have a clear goal and children should initiate and create their own scenarios like pretending to be doctors or play house.
So, I guess my mother was right to let kids be kids. Mental well-being and social maturity are more important than getting into the perfect school anyway.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Monday, February 08, 2010
Focus on your goals, but don’t miss out on today
Stress for Success
February 9, 2010
Balance: a state of equilibrium, equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.
Seeking balance in your life is a cornerstone of stress management; such as don’t under- or over-exercise, if you’re too passive you’d be wise to become more assertive, etc.
Another area in which it’s wise to seek balance is in where you focus your energy: on tomorrow’s goals or today’s life.
Author of “Finding Flow” Csikszentmihalyi encourages us to create lives of greater meaning and happiness with less ruminating on the negative by continually working toward goals. “ ... goals shape and determine the kind of person you become. Without them it’s difficult to develop a coherent self.”
But some people take this to the extreme, putting too much energy into pursuing goals creating an imbalance. They continually focus on the future while missing much of today, like the hard-driving career person who approaches a beautiful sunset without even noticing it. Being goal-oriented is great, but not to the exclusion of the here and now.
Others would say focusing on future goals is largely a waste of time because, as Buddhists believe, one’s reality is in the present moment; the here and now. To practitioners, focusing on the future means missing reality. Living in the moment facilitates mental and emotional balance because it means giving up your worries about the future and your regrets about the past. Besides, working so tirelessly on goal attainment often doesn’t bring you the satisfaction you’d hoped for anyway.
But focusing exclusively on the here and now may not prepare you for the future. The reality of our economic society, for example, requires knowing where your next paycheck is coming from to pay bills and that requires at least some level of planning for the future.
This is where balance is important. Over-focusing on tomorrow means missing today; ask parents who concentrated on work and missed their kids growing up. Over-focusing on today may find you in love with the spontaneous but forgetting important work deadlines or other commitments.
The trick is to seek balance. The more an imbalance pushes down one side of the scale the more you need to rectify it by doing something quite different to create a better equilibrium. For example, you high-speeders racing into the future might want to balance your goal-focused tendencies by increasing your mindfulness of things you do daily, like playing with your kids and focusing your attention on their touch, adorability, and the good feelings inside you when you interact in a loving way with them. Regular meditation would be great for you allowing you to be more aware of the present.
If you tend to mostly live in the moment, scraping together your rent money, prepare a budget and figure out where your necessary income will come from. Set goals of how to adjust your income and expenses.
Seeking a balance in how much you focus on the present and the future allows you to enjoy the journey as well as plan for and secure your future.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Stress for Success
February 9, 2010
Balance: a state of equilibrium, equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.
Seeking balance in your life is a cornerstone of stress management; such as don’t under- or over-exercise, if you’re too passive you’d be wise to become more assertive, etc.
Another area in which it’s wise to seek balance is in where you focus your energy: on tomorrow’s goals or today’s life.
Author of “Finding Flow” Csikszentmihalyi encourages us to create lives of greater meaning and happiness with less ruminating on the negative by continually working toward goals. “ ... goals shape and determine the kind of person you become. Without them it’s difficult to develop a coherent self.”
But some people take this to the extreme, putting too much energy into pursuing goals creating an imbalance. They continually focus on the future while missing much of today, like the hard-driving career person who approaches a beautiful sunset without even noticing it. Being goal-oriented is great, but not to the exclusion of the here and now.
Others would say focusing on future goals is largely a waste of time because, as Buddhists believe, one’s reality is in the present moment; the here and now. To practitioners, focusing on the future means missing reality. Living in the moment facilitates mental and emotional balance because it means giving up your worries about the future and your regrets about the past. Besides, working so tirelessly on goal attainment often doesn’t bring you the satisfaction you’d hoped for anyway.
But focusing exclusively on the here and now may not prepare you for the future. The reality of our economic society, for example, requires knowing where your next paycheck is coming from to pay bills and that requires at least some level of planning for the future.
This is where balance is important. Over-focusing on tomorrow means missing today; ask parents who concentrated on work and missed their kids growing up. Over-focusing on today may find you in love with the spontaneous but forgetting important work deadlines or other commitments.
The trick is to seek balance. The more an imbalance pushes down one side of the scale the more you need to rectify it by doing something quite different to create a better equilibrium. For example, you high-speeders racing into the future might want to balance your goal-focused tendencies by increasing your mindfulness of things you do daily, like playing with your kids and focusing your attention on their touch, adorability, and the good feelings inside you when you interact in a loving way with them. Regular meditation would be great for you allowing you to be more aware of the present.
If you tend to mostly live in the moment, scraping together your rent money, prepare a budget and figure out where your necessary income will come from. Set goals of how to adjust your income and expenses.
Seeking a balance in how much you focus on the present and the future allows you to enjoy the journey as well as plan for and secure your future.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Setting goals improves mood
Stress for Success
January 26, 2010
“What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is,
in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence
is what we do.” -- John Ruskin, 19th Century English social thinker
What do you talk about accomplishing? Do you put your money where your mouth is? You should because by regularly setting realistic goals and accomplishing them you’ll improve your moods and self-esteem and lower your stress.
Author of Finding Flow, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi says, “ . . . we often walk through our days ... out of touch with our emotional lives. As a result of this inattention, we find ourselves constantly bouncing between two extremes: during much of the day we live inundated by the ... pressures of our work and obligations, and during our leisure moments, we tend to live in passive boredom.”
To avoid this uninspiring lifestyle he encourages creating goals on which to focus. “ ... goals shape and determine the kind of person you become. Without them it’s difficult to develop a coherent self.”
Working on objectives also improves your moods. Csikszentmihalyi says that when your attention isn’t focused on goals your mind wanders and settles on the negative, causing stress and leading you to miss what’s going well. This leads to distracting yourself through passive leisure activities like TV, drugs, etc. Setting and accomplishing goals that stretch you prohibits distracting thoughts and negative feelings because your attention is so focused on accomplishment. Minor aches and pains also drift to the background of your awareness.
In addition to defining your vision, writing a SMART goal and an action plan, covered in previous articles (see previous articles here at http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com,) here are some final tips to reach your goals:
* For each goal set specific and realistic start and completion dates. If you’re not meeting your deadlines revise them since unattained goals increase stress.
* Identify the people who can help you. For my goal of marketing my newly published book I truly need the help of marketing people, my husband, and hopefully a college intern.
* Assess your current skills that can help you accomplish your goal. For marketing my book/keynotes my present skills include:
o Communicating my message;
o Organization for contacting radio/tv hosts/producers and speakers bureaus; follow-up persistence to secure interviews/dates;
o Calmness during interviews;
* Identify the skills that you need to acquire and develop. For my goal there are too many to list here.
Finally, know what’s in it for you to accomplish your goal. For me, this includes:
* Increased income;
* Shorter speeches vs. multi-hour workshops, diminishing vocal-chord strain;
* Spreading the word regarding the bad news about stress (it makes you vulnerable to illness and disease development) and the GREAT news (schedule more rest away from it to protect your well-being);
“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living,
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.” Mark Twain
You owe yourself the life you want. So make it happen, step by step.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Stress for Success
January 26, 2010
“What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is,
in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence
is what we do.” -- John Ruskin, 19th Century English social thinker
What do you talk about accomplishing? Do you put your money where your mouth is? You should because by regularly setting realistic goals and accomplishing them you’ll improve your moods and self-esteem and lower your stress.
Author of Finding Flow, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi says, “ . . . we often walk through our days ... out of touch with our emotional lives. As a result of this inattention, we find ourselves constantly bouncing between two extremes: during much of the day we live inundated by the ... pressures of our work and obligations, and during our leisure moments, we tend to live in passive boredom.”
To avoid this uninspiring lifestyle he encourages creating goals on which to focus. “ ... goals shape and determine the kind of person you become. Without them it’s difficult to develop a coherent self.”
Working on objectives also improves your moods. Csikszentmihalyi says that when your attention isn’t focused on goals your mind wanders and settles on the negative, causing stress and leading you to miss what’s going well. This leads to distracting yourself through passive leisure activities like TV, drugs, etc. Setting and accomplishing goals that stretch you prohibits distracting thoughts and negative feelings because your attention is so focused on accomplishment. Minor aches and pains also drift to the background of your awareness.
In addition to defining your vision, writing a SMART goal and an action plan, covered in previous articles (see previous articles here at http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com,) here are some final tips to reach your goals:
* For each goal set specific and realistic start and completion dates. If you’re not meeting your deadlines revise them since unattained goals increase stress.
* Identify the people who can help you. For my goal of marketing my newly published book I truly need the help of marketing people, my husband, and hopefully a college intern.
* Assess your current skills that can help you accomplish your goal. For marketing my book/keynotes my present skills include:
o Communicating my message;
o Organization for contacting radio/tv hosts/producers and speakers bureaus; follow-up persistence to secure interviews/dates;
o Calmness during interviews;
* Identify the skills that you need to acquire and develop. For my goal there are too many to list here.
Finally, know what’s in it for you to accomplish your goal. For me, this includes:
* Increased income;
* Shorter speeches vs. multi-hour workshops, diminishing vocal-chord strain;
* Spreading the word regarding the bad news about stress (it makes you vulnerable to illness and disease development) and the GREAT news (schedule more rest away from it to protect your well-being);
“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living,
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.” Mark Twain
You owe yourself the life you want. So make it happen, step by step.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Create an action plan to make your vision a reality
Stress for Success
January 19, 2010
“Any wind favors one who has no port.” Source Unknown
If you’re frustrated with your life but don’t know what to change, then any “wind” will carry you wherever it’s going, which may or may not be where you want to go.
Recent articles have been about “living a life by design, not by accident” and setting SMART goals to attain your vision. This week we’ll look at creating an action plan to initiate your movement, because,
“A goal without a plan is just a dream.” Source Unknown
Setting goals is easy. Anyone can do it. You’ve known others, yourself perhaps, who boast, “I’m going to do this …,” “I’m going to accomplish that ...” and seldom follow through. To create the life you want you must do the difficult work of creating a realistic action plan then making it happen.
To greatly improve the odds that you’ll follow through on your action plan write it down (be sure to have it in writing) and include:
* Specific steps;
* Deadlines for accomplishing each;
* Announce the goal to trusted others;
* Reward yourself for accomplishing steps along the way;
I’ll use the example of promoting my newly published book hoping that by broadcasting what I’ve been historically bad at – marketing – it will keep my toes to the fire.
My vision:
* Getting out my book’s message to help counter the national epidemic of obesity, diabetes, cardio vascular disease, digestive issues, etc., through national keynote presentations and tv/radio interviews, selling my books along the way;
My SMART goal:
* Specific: to book 8 national keynotes/year and at least 7 interviews/month b7 January, 2011;
* Measurable: the numbers above make it measureable;
* Action-oriented:
o Send book to all speakers bureaus listed on-line by February 15, 2010, with a minimum of 5 follow up calls to each;
o Secure a marketing intern student;
o Contact at least 30 radio/tv producers/hosts/month to book a minimum of 7 interviews/month starting now;
o Upload to my website recorded radio/tv interviews I’ve done and interviewer endorsements by January 20, 2010;
o Finish my next book by December, 2010;
o (There are many more specific steps but my column has a 500 word limit.)
These actions are Realistic and the Timing is possible, satisfying the final two components of a SMART goal.
As the months progress I’ll track each contacted radio/tv producer and completed interviews, speakers bureaus contacted and speeches scheduled to make sure I’m on target. My first assessment to make sure I’ve done all I’ve committed to is April 1, 2010. If I haven’t I’ll re-work my goal and action steps.
My reward for quarterly milestones accomplished will be a full day off to play with no connections to work (email, etc.)
So, now that I’ve told you all of this it places pressure on me to carry out my plan. When (not if) successful it will be the first time I’m ever followed through on a marketing plan! Wish me luck.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Stress for Success
January 19, 2010
“Any wind favors one who has no port.” Source Unknown
If you’re frustrated with your life but don’t know what to change, then any “wind” will carry you wherever it’s going, which may or may not be where you want to go.
Recent articles have been about “living a life by design, not by accident” and setting SMART goals to attain your vision. This week we’ll look at creating an action plan to initiate your movement, because,
“A goal without a plan is just a dream.” Source Unknown
Setting goals is easy. Anyone can do it. You’ve known others, yourself perhaps, who boast, “I’m going to do this …,” “I’m going to accomplish that ...” and seldom follow through. To create the life you want you must do the difficult work of creating a realistic action plan then making it happen.
To greatly improve the odds that you’ll follow through on your action plan write it down (be sure to have it in writing) and include:
* Specific steps;
* Deadlines for accomplishing each;
* Announce the goal to trusted others;
* Reward yourself for accomplishing steps along the way;
I’ll use the example of promoting my newly published book hoping that by broadcasting what I’ve been historically bad at – marketing – it will keep my toes to the fire.
My vision:
* Getting out my book’s message to help counter the national epidemic of obesity, diabetes, cardio vascular disease, digestive issues, etc., through national keynote presentations and tv/radio interviews, selling my books along the way;
My SMART goal:
* Specific: to book 8 national keynotes/year and at least 7 interviews/month b7 January, 2011;
* Measurable: the numbers above make it measureable;
* Action-oriented:
o Send book to all speakers bureaus listed on-line by February 15, 2010, with a minimum of 5 follow up calls to each;
o Secure a marketing intern student;
o Contact at least 30 radio/tv producers/hosts/month to book a minimum of 7 interviews/month starting now;
o Upload to my website recorded radio/tv interviews I’ve done and interviewer endorsements by January 20, 2010;
o Finish my next book by December, 2010;
o (There are many more specific steps but my column has a 500 word limit.)
These actions are Realistic and the Timing is possible, satisfying the final two components of a SMART goal.
As the months progress I’ll track each contacted radio/tv producer and completed interviews, speakers bureaus contacted and speeches scheduled to make sure I’m on target. My first assessment to make sure I’ve done all I’ve committed to is April 1, 2010. If I haven’t I’ll re-work my goal and action steps.
My reward for quarterly milestones accomplished will be a full day off to play with no connections to work (email, etc.)
So, now that I’ve told you all of this it places pressure on me to carry out my plan. When (not if) successful it will be the first time I’m ever followed through on a marketing plan! Wish me luck.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Let your goals take you to desired destination
Stress for Success
January 12, 2010
The beginning of the year is symbolically a great time to rethink the direction of your life. Are you on target for where you want to be? Do your action-steps need to be tweaked or do you need a complete redo?
“Where your energy goes, results show.” -- Jack Canfield
“To live your life by design, not by accident,” put your energy into setting and accomplishing goals that will lead you to your desired destination.
In past weeks I’ve addressed setting goals with “the end in mind.” And last week I shared an activity that can help you define your vision, your “end.”
This week, let’s consider the process of writing goals.
To increase the likelihood of accomplishing your goals, write (be sure to put them on paper) SMART ones.
* Specific: don’t confuse goal setting with stating a desire. E.g., “I want a job that allows me to spend more time with my family.” How much time is more? Twice the time? How much time are you spending with them now? Unless it’s specific, you won’t have a target to shoot for nor can you know when and if you’ve reached it.
* Measurable: include numbers, percentages, deadlines, etc., to measure your progress. For example, your goal is to find a job that allows you to be home by 6:00 p.m. daily and travel a maximum of four days/month.
* Action-oriented: this is the heart and soul of setting goals. Whatever you’re shooting for requires taking action. What must you do to find and get a job that allows you to be home by 6:00 p.m. most days? You’ll need to:
o Research jobs in the area;
o Know each job’s requirements;
o During the interview ask enough questions to pin down the interviewer about travel and realistic work hours;
* Realistic: you must research your parameters of being home most evenings and limited business travel to find out if they’re realistic in the present job market. Would they be perceived by a potential employer as a drawback and make you a less desirable candidate?
* Timing: Are your parameters realistic with the timing of needing a job? When doing research, does it seem that there are so few jobs right now that you need to take anything that comes along? For how long can you go without a job without jeopardizing paying your bills, including your mortgage?
Keeping these five steps in mind, it’s time to write your SMART goal:
* E.g., To find a job by April 1 that has regular work hours allowing me to be home by 6:00 p.m. the majority of days with a maximum of four days of travel a month.
* (You can expand your SMART goal by defining the kind of job you want, as well. Be specific.)
Now that you have your goal written you’ll need to develop an action plan, my topic for next week because, “A goal without a plan is just a dream.” Source unknown.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Stress for Success
January 12, 2010
The beginning of the year is symbolically a great time to rethink the direction of your life. Are you on target for where you want to be? Do your action-steps need to be tweaked or do you need a complete redo?
“Where your energy goes, results show.” -- Jack Canfield
“To live your life by design, not by accident,” put your energy into setting and accomplishing goals that will lead you to your desired destination.
In past weeks I’ve addressed setting goals with “the end in mind.” And last week I shared an activity that can help you define your vision, your “end.”
This week, let’s consider the process of writing goals.
To increase the likelihood of accomplishing your goals, write (be sure to put them on paper) SMART ones.
* Specific: don’t confuse goal setting with stating a desire. E.g., “I want a job that allows me to spend more time with my family.” How much time is more? Twice the time? How much time are you spending with them now? Unless it’s specific, you won’t have a target to shoot for nor can you know when and if you’ve reached it.
* Measurable: include numbers, percentages, deadlines, etc., to measure your progress. For example, your goal is to find a job that allows you to be home by 6:00 p.m. daily and travel a maximum of four days/month.
* Action-oriented: this is the heart and soul of setting goals. Whatever you’re shooting for requires taking action. What must you do to find and get a job that allows you to be home by 6:00 p.m. most days? You’ll need to:
o Research jobs in the area;
o Know each job’s requirements;
o During the interview ask enough questions to pin down the interviewer about travel and realistic work hours;
* Realistic: you must research your parameters of being home most evenings and limited business travel to find out if they’re realistic in the present job market. Would they be perceived by a potential employer as a drawback and make you a less desirable candidate?
* Timing: Are your parameters realistic with the timing of needing a job? When doing research, does it seem that there are so few jobs right now that you need to take anything that comes along? For how long can you go without a job without jeopardizing paying your bills, including your mortgage?
Keeping these five steps in mind, it’s time to write your SMART goal:
* E.g., To find a job by April 1 that has regular work hours allowing me to be home by 6:00 p.m. the majority of days with a maximum of four days of travel a month.
* (You can expand your SMART goal by defining the kind of job you want, as well. Be specific.)
Now that you have your goal written you’ll need to develop an action plan, my topic for next week because, “A goal without a plan is just a dream.” Source unknown.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
Decide what you want, then make it happen
Stress for Success
January 5, 2010
“Live a life by design, not by accident,” said Dr. Rick Brinkman, a former colleague. What would the life you’re meant to live look like? Can you create it?
People tell me that I’m lucky to love what I do. I respond that luck has nothing to do with it; I read a book in 1979 (I guess I was lucky to come upon it), filled out the assessment (below) and voila, it pointed me toward what I’ve been doing ever since. Making it happen came from hard work, persistence, and most importantly, the belief that I could make it happen. If you don’t think you can improve your life, then you won’t even try.
If your life isn’t what you wanted what needs to happen to create a more appealing one? By “following your bliss” as Joseph Campbell said your life will be much more meaningful and less stressful.
Last week I wrote about creating New Year’s goals with the “end in mind” and briefly referred to the exercise that led me to my life’s work. If you’d like to reshape your life follow these directions. With patience you can discern your bliss, your “end.”
Directions (from “How to Put More Time into Your Life” by Dr. Dru Scott)
1. Consider your personal, professional and social lives, for each:
* What do you want/need more of?
* What do you want/need less of?
o List 20 – 30 items under each question. There will be cross over between the lists, for instance “more money,” “less debt.”
Listing 20 - 30 items isn’t easy. Keep at it. Listen for the implied “more/less of” desires in your complaints. Like complaining about commuting may imply you want “less driving,” “more working out of your home.”
2. Next, regarding your personal, professional and social lives, what do you hope your lifestyle and accomplishments will have been by the time you die?
Fill out these four lists many times over the next few weeks. Whatever repetitively shows up is forming the outline of your desired life. What reappeared in my lists included more:
* Travel;
* Money;
* Presenting workshops;
* Flexibility;
* Independence;
Less:
* Traditional work hours;
* Bureaucracy;
* Commuting;
* Politics;
* Dead-end work;
Accomplishments/lifestyle:
* A great marriage;
* World travel, adventure;
* Make more money/hour and work fewer hours;
* Author books;
* Self-employment working out of our home;
This exercise made it crystal clear that I wanted to start my own speaking business, travel the country and world presenting programs on topics that fascinated me and help people make desired changes. Once I started working toward this vision my considerable job burnout instantly started melting and gave meaning to everything I did in pursuit of my desired lifestyle. It has been my passion for 30 years.
Lily Tomlin once said, “I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.” Don’t let life just happen to you. Take control and figure out which somebody you want to become. Then little by little make it happen.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Stress for Success
January 5, 2010
“Live a life by design, not by accident,” said Dr. Rick Brinkman, a former colleague. What would the life you’re meant to live look like? Can you create it?
People tell me that I’m lucky to love what I do. I respond that luck has nothing to do with it; I read a book in 1979 (I guess I was lucky to come upon it), filled out the assessment (below) and voila, it pointed me toward what I’ve been doing ever since. Making it happen came from hard work, persistence, and most importantly, the belief that I could make it happen. If you don’t think you can improve your life, then you won’t even try.
If your life isn’t what you wanted what needs to happen to create a more appealing one? By “following your bliss” as Joseph Campbell said your life will be much more meaningful and less stressful.
Last week I wrote about creating New Year’s goals with the “end in mind” and briefly referred to the exercise that led me to my life’s work. If you’d like to reshape your life follow these directions. With patience you can discern your bliss, your “end.”
Directions (from “How to Put More Time into Your Life” by Dr. Dru Scott)
1. Consider your personal, professional and social lives, for each:
* What do you want/need more of?
* What do you want/need less of?
o List 20 – 30 items under each question. There will be cross over between the lists, for instance “more money,” “less debt.”
Listing 20 - 30 items isn’t easy. Keep at it. Listen for the implied “more/less of” desires in your complaints. Like complaining about commuting may imply you want “less driving,” “more working out of your home.”
2. Next, regarding your personal, professional and social lives, what do you hope your lifestyle and accomplishments will have been by the time you die?
Fill out these four lists many times over the next few weeks. Whatever repetitively shows up is forming the outline of your desired life. What reappeared in my lists included more:
* Travel;
* Money;
* Presenting workshops;
* Flexibility;
* Independence;
Less:
* Traditional work hours;
* Bureaucracy;
* Commuting;
* Politics;
* Dead-end work;
Accomplishments/lifestyle:
* A great marriage;
* World travel, adventure;
* Make more money/hour and work fewer hours;
* Author books;
* Self-employment working out of our home;
This exercise made it crystal clear that I wanted to start my own speaking business, travel the country and world presenting programs on topics that fascinated me and help people make desired changes. Once I started working toward this vision my considerable job burnout instantly started melting and gave meaning to everything I did in pursuit of my desired lifestyle. It has been my passion for 30 years.
Lily Tomlin once said, “I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.” Don’t let life just happen to you. Take control and figure out which somebody you want to become. Then little by little make it happen.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Set goals with the “end in mind”
Stress for Success
December 29, 2009
Goodbye and good riddance to 2009, right? Let’s make 2010 a much more stable year by learning from the past to prepare for our futures.
“Start with the end in mind,” said Steven Covey, author of “7 Habits of Highly Successful People.” Seeing how your day-to-day efforts move you toward larger and important - even distant - goals creates energy, willpower and the motivation to accomplish them. Plus, making steady progress toward your vision gives your life greater meaning, therefore significantly less stress on a daily basis.
So, where do you want to be in three - five years? You can create New Year’s goals to nudge you in that direction. If you don’t know your destination, answer the two magic questions repeatedly over several weeks about your personal and professional lives:
* “What do I want/need more of?”
* “What do I want/need less of?”
Whatever repetitively appears on successive lists paints a picture of your desired destination around which you form your smaller goals.
Answering these same two questions also helps when you know your destination.
Let’s say that in three years you plan to graduate from college and get a better job than the one you lost during this recession. Keeping the end in mind, you define your vision as regaining financial stability, protecting yourself from being unemployed again and getting serious about saving for your retirement, which is twenty years down the road. To reach it you want/need:
More:
* time to study;
* sharing of household responsibilities to create that time;
* paying off debt;
* savings;
* energy to succeed in school;
* weight loss;
* satisfaction with what you have;
Less:
* debt;
* perfectionism about unimportant tasks;
* stress over finances;
* unnecessary spending;
* wanting what you don’t have;
Next, set and achieve smaller goals to reach your vision within three years. But set realistic ones since unattained goals create stress. For example:
* Pay down credit cards faster, even if only by a small amount, and when they’re paid off, deposit that same amount of money monthly into savings;
* Create and stick to a reasonable budget and stop buying what you can’t afford;
* Take an assertiveness class to learn how to set limits with your family and to request their help in sharing responsibilities;
* Start walking a mile a day multiple times a week to lose weight and get healthier;
* Begin each day being grateful for your blessings;
Keep your destination on your mind by making a colorful and appealing collage that depicts it. Post it at home, in your office and/or in your car to keep you focused on what you need to do daily to accomplish it. Even tiny investments of time toward one of your goals, like making a five minute phone call, give the rest of your day more meaning while reducing your stress.
So, what are you waiting for? Get started and make 2010 and less stressful year.
Happy New Year!
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Stress for Success
December 29, 2009
Goodbye and good riddance to 2009, right? Let’s make 2010 a much more stable year by learning from the past to prepare for our futures.
“Start with the end in mind,” said Steven Covey, author of “7 Habits of Highly Successful People.” Seeing how your day-to-day efforts move you toward larger and important - even distant - goals creates energy, willpower and the motivation to accomplish them. Plus, making steady progress toward your vision gives your life greater meaning, therefore significantly less stress on a daily basis.
So, where do you want to be in three - five years? You can create New Year’s goals to nudge you in that direction. If you don’t know your destination, answer the two magic questions repeatedly over several weeks about your personal and professional lives:
* “What do I want/need more of?”
* “What do I want/need less of?”
Whatever repetitively appears on successive lists paints a picture of your desired destination around which you form your smaller goals.
Answering these same two questions also helps when you know your destination.
Let’s say that in three years you plan to graduate from college and get a better job than the one you lost during this recession. Keeping the end in mind, you define your vision as regaining financial stability, protecting yourself from being unemployed again and getting serious about saving for your retirement, which is twenty years down the road. To reach it you want/need:
More:
* time to study;
* sharing of household responsibilities to create that time;
* paying off debt;
* savings;
* energy to succeed in school;
* weight loss;
* satisfaction with what you have;
Less:
* debt;
* perfectionism about unimportant tasks;
* stress over finances;
* unnecessary spending;
* wanting what you don’t have;
Next, set and achieve smaller goals to reach your vision within three years. But set realistic ones since unattained goals create stress. For example:
* Pay down credit cards faster, even if only by a small amount, and when they’re paid off, deposit that same amount of money monthly into savings;
* Create and stick to a reasonable budget and stop buying what you can’t afford;
* Take an assertiveness class to learn how to set limits with your family and to request their help in sharing responsibilities;
* Start walking a mile a day multiple times a week to lose weight and get healthier;
* Begin each day being grateful for your blessings;
Keep your destination on your mind by making a colorful and appealing collage that depicts it. Post it at home, in your office and/or in your car to keep you focused on what you need to do daily to accomplish it. Even tiny investments of time toward one of your goals, like making a five minute phone call, give the rest of your day more meaning while reducing your stress.
So, what are you waiting for? Get started and make 2010 and less stressful year.
Happy New Year!
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Pets can be great stress relievers
Research shows they lower your blood pressureStress for Success
December 15, 2009
Recently, watching a loving friend sleeping while draped over my lap (our cat Blue) I realized that I’ve never written about pets and stress. So let me right this wrong for they are one of your best stress breaks, at least if you like animals.
My husband and I have virtually always had cats over the last 33 years and we can attest to their calming influence. This became clearest to me during an episode of chronic stress – parental care giving. Frequently, dragging myself home after incredibly stressful days our two adorable Siamese kittens would use me as a Jungle Jim melting away my stress in seconds.
These beloved best friends provide constant comfort while bringing out our own nurturing instincts. They serve as a distraction from weightier issues and stave off loneliness. They never judge us if we’ve gained weight or even abused drugs. We can be ourselves with them. They love us unconditionally.
There’s much research reporting the health benefits of pets like from the CDC: pets can decrease blood pressure, cholesterol, triglyceride levels, and loneliness.
The State University of NY at Buffalo studied 48 stockbrokers with no medical conditions other than hypertension, who in the previous five years lived alone with no pets. Half of them were assigned a cat or dog, while the others remained alone. Six months later, those caring for a pet had significantly lower blood pressure than those without pets. “When we told the group that didn’t have pets about the findings, many went out and got pets,” says researcher Karen Allen, Ph.D. “This study shows that if you have high blood pressure, a pet is very good for you … and pet ownership is especially good if you have a limited support system.” Pets can even lower blood pressure better than drugs, especially during stressful times.
Dr. Allen also examined the effects of friends, spouses and pets on stress over unpleasant tasks. Compared with human support, “the presence of pets was associated with lower perceived and actual responses to stress.”
Other research finds:
* Petting an animal calms you lowering your heart rate and blood pressure;
* Pets can provide exercise, helping your heart;
* In 1999 UCLA Public Health report: AIDS patients with no pets were about three times more likely to report symptoms of depression than those who had close attachment to pets. Elderly people with close connections to pets had fewer doctor visits; those with disabilities reported improved health status;
* A City Hospital in NY study: heart patients with pets were significantly more likely to be alive a year after being discharged than those with no pets. The presence of a pet was found to increase survival more than having a spouse or friends!
* A 2007 Met Life study found pets ward off elderly depression;
Pets aren’t for everyone. But if you’re a fan, connect regularly with your pet and nurture their emotional connection and support. If you don’t have a furry best friend consider getting one to significantly reduce your stress.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html.
Research shows they lower your blood pressureStress for Success
December 15, 2009
Recently, watching a loving friend sleeping while draped over my lap (our cat Blue) I realized that I’ve never written about pets and stress. So let me right this wrong for they are one of your best stress breaks, at least if you like animals.
My husband and I have virtually always had cats over the last 33 years and we can attest to their calming influence. This became clearest to me during an episode of chronic stress – parental care giving. Frequently, dragging myself home after incredibly stressful days our two adorable Siamese kittens would use me as a Jungle Jim melting away my stress in seconds.
These beloved best friends provide constant comfort while bringing out our own nurturing instincts. They serve as a distraction from weightier issues and stave off loneliness. They never judge us if we’ve gained weight or even abused drugs. We can be ourselves with them. They love us unconditionally.
There’s much research reporting the health benefits of pets like from the CDC: pets can decrease blood pressure, cholesterol, triglyceride levels, and loneliness.
The State University of NY at Buffalo studied 48 stockbrokers with no medical conditions other than hypertension, who in the previous five years lived alone with no pets. Half of them were assigned a cat or dog, while the others remained alone. Six months later, those caring for a pet had significantly lower blood pressure than those without pets. “When we told the group that didn’t have pets about the findings, many went out and got pets,” says researcher Karen Allen, Ph.D. “This study shows that if you have high blood pressure, a pet is very good for you … and pet ownership is especially good if you have a limited support system.” Pets can even lower blood pressure better than drugs, especially during stressful times.
Dr. Allen also examined the effects of friends, spouses and pets on stress over unpleasant tasks. Compared with human support, “the presence of pets was associated with lower perceived and actual responses to stress.”
Other research finds:
* Petting an animal calms you lowering your heart rate and blood pressure;
* Pets can provide exercise, helping your heart;
* In 1999 UCLA Public Health report: AIDS patients with no pets were about three times more likely to report symptoms of depression than those who had close attachment to pets. Elderly people with close connections to pets had fewer doctor visits; those with disabilities reported improved health status;
* A City Hospital in NY study: heart patients with pets were significantly more likely to be alive a year after being discharged than those with no pets. The presence of a pet was found to increase survival more than having a spouse or friends!
* A 2007 Met Life study found pets ward off elderly depression;
Pets aren’t for everyone. But if you’re a fan, connect regularly with your pet and nurture their emotional connection and support. If you don’t have a furry best friend consider getting one to significantly reduce your stress.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html.
Monday, December 07, 2009
I wrote my book to “wake you up!”
Stress for Success
December 8, 2009
I’ve learned some things about stress over my 25 years of international speaking:
§ The most important point is that stress is in the mind of the beholder, what stresses you may not stress your neighbor;
§ Much if not most of your stress is in your interpretations, not in the stressor itself;
§ Most want to believe that “they” or “it” cause their stress;
§ Most don’t want to do the hard work of stress management, which requires that playing devil’s advocate with your own thoughts - the difficult part of stress management;
§ You probably know what you’re supposed to do to reduce stress - healthy eating, exercise, meditate, etc. - but probably don’t do enough;
This is what motivated me to write my recently published book, “Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain and Simple” (available at http://letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html). It drives me nuts (I know, I choose to be driven nuts) when people continue to barrel through life accumulating tons of stress, not realizing the physical and emotional damage they’re doing to themselves then doing too little to protect themselves from it.
I am passionate about helping people make this very conscious connection between the parade of stressors that march through their lives and the physical and emotional symptoms they exhibit. Once they become very aware of this connection my hope is that instead of taking daily aspirins for headaches or Nexium for ongoing indigestion or blood pressure medication they’ll see their symptoms for what most of them are: symptoms of stress. Instead of popping pills they could work to lower their stress.
My book is about the damage from chronic stress (too much stress for too long) that makes you vulnerable to illness and disease development. You’ve read in this column numerous times the negative consequences from diabetes to depression, headaches to heart disease. My mission is to scare you with the research and to wake you up to the “why” you need to adopt healthier habits.
To explain the consequences of chronic stress, Robert Sapolsky, Stanford University’s brilliant stress researcher and author of “Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers,” says:
“No single disastrous effect, no lone gunman. Instead, kicking and poking and impeding, here and there, make this a bit worse, [make] that a bit less effective. Thus, making it more likely for the roof to cave in one day.”
The way I convey the damage is drip, drip, drip.
Depressing as this may be, there is also GREAT news about stress.
The “Plain and Simple” part of my book title is what really motivates me to spread the good news. The advice is simple: to protect yourself and your future physical and mental wellbeing from the ravages of stress and its excess fight/flight hormones get more rest away from your stress through Stress Breaks. Rest doesn’t have to be literal like a nap, although it’s a great Stress Break, but any break away from the onslaught of daily pressure. I include techniques for releasing your fight/flight energy like yoga, volunteering, connecting with people, etc. and relaxing the energy through meditation, deep breathing , etc. You don’t necessarily have to engage in the two Stress Breaks that give you the biggest bang for your buck – exercise and meditation – because even practicing the smaller things frequently increases your protection.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com .
Stress for Success
December 8, 2009
I’ve learned some things about stress over my 25 years of international speaking:
§ The most important point is that stress is in the mind of the beholder, what stresses you may not stress your neighbor;
§ Much if not most of your stress is in your interpretations, not in the stressor itself;
§ Most want to believe that “they” or “it” cause their stress;
§ Most don’t want to do the hard work of stress management, which requires that playing devil’s advocate with your own thoughts - the difficult part of stress management;
§ You probably know what you’re supposed to do to reduce stress - healthy eating, exercise, meditate, etc. - but probably don’t do enough;
This is what motivated me to write my recently published book, “Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain and Simple” (available at http://letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html). It drives me nuts (I know, I choose to be driven nuts) when people continue to barrel through life accumulating tons of stress, not realizing the physical and emotional damage they’re doing to themselves then doing too little to protect themselves from it.
I am passionate about helping people make this very conscious connection between the parade of stressors that march through their lives and the physical and emotional symptoms they exhibit. Once they become very aware of this connection my hope is that instead of taking daily aspirins for headaches or Nexium for ongoing indigestion or blood pressure medication they’ll see their symptoms for what most of them are: symptoms of stress. Instead of popping pills they could work to lower their stress.
My book is about the damage from chronic stress (too much stress for too long) that makes you vulnerable to illness and disease development. You’ve read in this column numerous times the negative consequences from diabetes to depression, headaches to heart disease. My mission is to scare you with the research and to wake you up to the “why” you need to adopt healthier habits.
To explain the consequences of chronic stress, Robert Sapolsky, Stanford University’s brilliant stress researcher and author of “Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers,” says:
“No single disastrous effect, no lone gunman. Instead, kicking and poking and impeding, here and there, make this a bit worse, [make] that a bit less effective. Thus, making it more likely for the roof to cave in one day.”
The way I convey the damage is drip, drip, drip.
Depressing as this may be, there is also GREAT news about stress.
The “Plain and Simple” part of my book title is what really motivates me to spread the good news. The advice is simple: to protect yourself and your future physical and mental wellbeing from the ravages of stress and its excess fight/flight hormones get more rest away from your stress through Stress Breaks. Rest doesn’t have to be literal like a nap, although it’s a great Stress Break, but any break away from the onslaught of daily pressure. I include techniques for releasing your fight/flight energy like yoga, volunteering, connecting with people, etc. and relaxing the energy through meditation, deep breathing , etc. You don’t necessarily have to engage in the two Stress Breaks that give you the biggest bang for your buck – exercise and meditation – because even practicing the smaller things frequently increases your protection.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com .
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Reclaim control by overcoming your fear of flying
Stress for Success
December 1, 2009
Having experienced panic attacks, I’m grateful mine never extended to flying or I’d never have pursued the profession I love, which involved near-weekly flying. I can too easily imagine aviophobes’ fear when panic sets in and there are no options of escaping until the airplane lands!
A 2006 USA Today/CNN/Gallup poll found 27% of American adults are “somewhat afraid” to fly with 9% “very afraid,” better than post-911 when 43% were frightened and 17% were very afraid. At least 10% of Americans have full-blown phobias and worry obsessively that they’ll crash or die from their own fear.
There are multiple causes for this fear:
* Feeling of not being in control;
* Claustrophobia;
* Fear of heights;
* Multiple, frightening flying experiences, like severe turbulence;
* Heightened stress putting you into a “panic zone” where you’re more vulnerable to panic;
The great news is that there are effective treatments:
* Therapy and self-help products that teach you to notice and combat fear-escalating thought patterns, imagery and relaxation techniques to overcome them;
* Virtual therapy using 3-D computer flight simulations, which 2006 research by psychologist Barbara Rothbaum of Emory University found a greater than 70% success rate;
* Hypnosis can expose the circumstances when you first developed your fear to better understand and conquer it;
* Cognitive-behavior therapy includes information about aircraft safety;
* Tranquilizers or antidepressants can help but aren’t long-term solutions. Therapy is usually required to overcome your anxiety.
However, the best treatment, exposure therapy, requires you to confront your fears by actually flying – with preparation. Exposure therapy can help more than 90% of aviophobes, according to German psychologist Marc-Roman Trautmann.
Trautmann believes that lack of information is the main cause of aviophobia so he provides the facts about air travel to soothe exaggerated beliefs of its dangers. For example, when an airplane banks you might fear it could tip over. But what you see is an optical illusion. It looks like the horizon is perpendicular to the aircraft when it actually takes the curve at scarcely 25 degrees from horizontal and planes are built to take curves safely at 60 degrees.
Aviophobes also exaggerate their fears by obsessing about them sending their mental and physical symptoms through the roof! To interrupt the cycle, Trautmann uses a cognitive-behavioral approach of educating clients that although their fear and physical symptoms are real they’re simply the fight/flight response mistakenly trigged. The stress response is meant to engage when you’re in danger. Aviophobes create danger in their minds, which triggers their physical panic symptoms. “I feel like I’m going to die,” some say. Trautman counters, “No one dies of fear.”
Students are also taught relaxation to dull their panic symptoms. Then through habituation, a form of learning where reactions to a stimulus diminish with repeated exposure, they accompany him on actual flights.
This may sound scary but what’s scarier is missing out on your life. Buck up by seeking out effective treatments to overcome your fear so you can reclaim your life.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html.
Stress for Success
December 1, 2009
Having experienced panic attacks, I’m grateful mine never extended to flying or I’d never have pursued the profession I love, which involved near-weekly flying. I can too easily imagine aviophobes’ fear when panic sets in and there are no options of escaping until the airplane lands!
A 2006 USA Today/CNN/Gallup poll found 27% of American adults are “somewhat afraid” to fly with 9% “very afraid,” better than post-911 when 43% were frightened and 17% were very afraid. At least 10% of Americans have full-blown phobias and worry obsessively that they’ll crash or die from their own fear.
There are multiple causes for this fear:
* Feeling of not being in control;
* Claustrophobia;
* Fear of heights;
* Multiple, frightening flying experiences, like severe turbulence;
* Heightened stress putting you into a “panic zone” where you’re more vulnerable to panic;
The great news is that there are effective treatments:
* Therapy and self-help products that teach you to notice and combat fear-escalating thought patterns, imagery and relaxation techniques to overcome them;
* Virtual therapy using 3-D computer flight simulations, which 2006 research by psychologist Barbara Rothbaum of Emory University found a greater than 70% success rate;
* Hypnosis can expose the circumstances when you first developed your fear to better understand and conquer it;
* Cognitive-behavior therapy includes information about aircraft safety;
* Tranquilizers or antidepressants can help but aren’t long-term solutions. Therapy is usually required to overcome your anxiety.
However, the best treatment, exposure therapy, requires you to confront your fears by actually flying – with preparation. Exposure therapy can help more than 90% of aviophobes, according to German psychologist Marc-Roman Trautmann.
Trautmann believes that lack of information is the main cause of aviophobia so he provides the facts about air travel to soothe exaggerated beliefs of its dangers. For example, when an airplane banks you might fear it could tip over. But what you see is an optical illusion. It looks like the horizon is perpendicular to the aircraft when it actually takes the curve at scarcely 25 degrees from horizontal and planes are built to take curves safely at 60 degrees.
Aviophobes also exaggerate their fears by obsessing about them sending their mental and physical symptoms through the roof! To interrupt the cycle, Trautmann uses a cognitive-behavioral approach of educating clients that although their fear and physical symptoms are real they’re simply the fight/flight response mistakenly trigged. The stress response is meant to engage when you’re in danger. Aviophobes create danger in their minds, which triggers their physical panic symptoms. “I feel like I’m going to die,” some say. Trautman counters, “No one dies of fear.”
Students are also taught relaxation to dull their panic symptoms. Then through habituation, a form of learning where reactions to a stimulus diminish with repeated exposure, they accompany him on actual flights.
This may sound scary but what’s scarier is missing out on your life. Buck up by seeking out effective treatments to overcome your fear so you can reclaim your life.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Even in these hard times, you can still be grateful
Stress for Success
November 24, 2009
Societies around the world have seemingly always celebrated annual harvests. Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving in October, the British have their fall Harvest Festival, Jewish people celebrate Sukkot, the nine-day thanksgiving festival, and the Chinese have an equivalent celebration during their eighth calendar month.
The first recognized American Thanksgiving meal was in 1621 with the Plimouth colonists and the Wampanoag Indians celebrated their autumn harvest. The Wampanoags taught the Pilgrims how to survive in their new land; something for which the Pilgrims must have been very grateful.
The original feast in 1621 was based on English harvest festivals and it lasted for three days. Our ever-expanding middles can be grateful that our celebration is just one meal plus leftovers (love those leftovers.) In 1623 a day of fasting and prayer during a period of drought was changed to one of Thanksgiving because the rain came during the prayers. Gradually the custom of annually celebrating the fall harvest took root in New England.
It’s a wonderful tradition and given its pervasiveness in worldwide cultures it seems to speak to the human need to acknowledge our blessings. It connects us with family and community in a way that can help us appreciate the importance of each other in bringing in our harvests, even our modern-day harvest - jobs.
Appreciation is an important antidote to stress, especially during these ongoing economic difficulties. Focusing on something other than the dire, yet hopefully improving, condition is healthy for your well-being.
Being consciously grateful is also a proven technique to pull yourself out of emotional drama. For example, you’re exasperated over the fact that you do virtually all of the work for Thanksgiving dinner. After hours and hours of preparing the meal it’s consumed in a matter of minutes. If that weren’t enough, you watch the stuffed dinner guests waddle over to the TV to watch football while you’re left with the mess.
What could you be grateful for? That you …
* Have people you love who are pleased with your meal;
* Are a great cook and host;
* Are healthy enough to create such a feast and have enough energy to clean up after it;
* Are getting help cleaning up from some guests;
* Can change your approach next year and make it clear that you expect everyone to have responsibilities before and after your Thanksgiving meal;
At least for this week, see if your stress abates a bit by daily being consciously grateful for what you have. Put your mind into a thankful place with even the craziness that sometimes accompanies such a busy holiday. Give your co-workers, customers and boss a break. Be grateful you have a job or if you don’t that one might come along soon. Forgive your family members or friends whose habits aggravate you. Be thankful you have them in your life instead.
Look at life in general this week through grateful eyes. How does that change things? What would happen if we did it 365 days a year?
Happy Thanksgiving!
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Stress for Success
November 24, 2009
Societies around the world have seemingly always celebrated annual harvests. Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving in October, the British have their fall Harvest Festival, Jewish people celebrate Sukkot, the nine-day thanksgiving festival, and the Chinese have an equivalent celebration during their eighth calendar month.
The first recognized American Thanksgiving meal was in 1621 with the Plimouth colonists and the Wampanoag Indians celebrated their autumn harvest. The Wampanoags taught the Pilgrims how to survive in their new land; something for which the Pilgrims must have been very grateful.
The original feast in 1621 was based on English harvest festivals and it lasted for three days. Our ever-expanding middles can be grateful that our celebration is just one meal plus leftovers (love those leftovers.) In 1623 a day of fasting and prayer during a period of drought was changed to one of Thanksgiving because the rain came during the prayers. Gradually the custom of annually celebrating the fall harvest took root in New England.
It’s a wonderful tradition and given its pervasiveness in worldwide cultures it seems to speak to the human need to acknowledge our blessings. It connects us with family and community in a way that can help us appreciate the importance of each other in bringing in our harvests, even our modern-day harvest - jobs.
Appreciation is an important antidote to stress, especially during these ongoing economic difficulties. Focusing on something other than the dire, yet hopefully improving, condition is healthy for your well-being.
Being consciously grateful is also a proven technique to pull yourself out of emotional drama. For example, you’re exasperated over the fact that you do virtually all of the work for Thanksgiving dinner. After hours and hours of preparing the meal it’s consumed in a matter of minutes. If that weren’t enough, you watch the stuffed dinner guests waddle over to the TV to watch football while you’re left with the mess.
What could you be grateful for? That you …
* Have people you love who are pleased with your meal;
* Are a great cook and host;
* Are healthy enough to create such a feast and have enough energy to clean up after it;
* Are getting help cleaning up from some guests;
* Can change your approach next year and make it clear that you expect everyone to have responsibilities before and after your Thanksgiving meal;
At least for this week, see if your stress abates a bit by daily being consciously grateful for what you have. Put your mind into a thankful place with even the craziness that sometimes accompanies such a busy holiday. Give your co-workers, customers and boss a break. Be grateful you have a job or if you don’t that one might come along soon. Forgive your family members or friends whose habits aggravate you. Be thankful you have them in your life instead.
Look at life in general this week through grateful eyes. How does that change things? What would happen if we did it 365 days a year?
Happy Thanksgiving!
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
STRESS EXPERT TO INTRODUCE NEW BOOK
AT MARK LOREN DESIGNS RECEPTION
Fort Myers, FL (November 11, 2009) – Jacquelyn Ferguson, author of Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain and Simple will appear from noon to 4:00 p.m. Saturday, November 21, 2009 at Mark Loren Designs, in Fort Myers, for a book signing reception. This will be her first official appearance to introduce her newly published book.
Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple is about chronic stress -- elevated stress that lasts for six months or longer. Chronic stress makes people vulnerable to illness & disease development. Diabetes to depression, insomnia to indigestion, heart problems to headaches are common symptoms from too much stress. The book presents practical techniques, in plain and simple language, to help readers protect their emotional, physical & mental well-being by letting their body win. Techniques addressed include stress breaks like deep breathing, recognizing signs of stress, and activities which help mitigate the damage of the stress response.
Jacquelyn Ferguson is a professional and stress coach and owns InterAction Associates, a management development and training firm. For over 25 years, Jacquelyn has presented keynotes and workshops on stress management, diversity, customer service and communication skills to audiences throughout North America, the United Kingdom, Australia and points in between. She has served in the Peace Corps, holds a Master’s degree in Community Counseling/Psychology, and worked for several years as a Program Director at the Ruth Cooper Mental Health Center in Fort Myers, Florida. She has authored four audio programs, and her column “Stress for Success” appears weekly in the Fort Myers News-Press’ Healthy Living section.
Mark Loren Designs is located at 13351 McGregor Boulevard, Fort Myers, Florida 33919. Wine will be served and books will be available for purchase. Guests will have the opportunity to have their books signed, meet the author, and discuss the benefits of stress management. Reservations are not required.
For more information about Jacquelyn Ferguson and her new book, visit www.letyourbodywin.com.
AT MARK LOREN DESIGNS RECEPTION
Fort Myers, FL (November 11, 2009) – Jacquelyn Ferguson, author of Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain and Simple will appear from noon to 4:00 p.m. Saturday, November 21, 2009 at Mark Loren Designs, in Fort Myers, for a book signing reception. This will be her first official appearance to introduce her newly published book.
Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple is about chronic stress -- elevated stress that lasts for six months or longer. Chronic stress makes people vulnerable to illness & disease development. Diabetes to depression, insomnia to indigestion, heart problems to headaches are common symptoms from too much stress. The book presents practical techniques, in plain and simple language, to help readers protect their emotional, physical & mental well-being by letting their body win. Techniques addressed include stress breaks like deep breathing, recognizing signs of stress, and activities which help mitigate the damage of the stress response.
Jacquelyn Ferguson is a professional and stress coach and owns InterAction Associates, a management development and training firm. For over 25 years, Jacquelyn has presented keynotes and workshops on stress management, diversity, customer service and communication skills to audiences throughout North America, the United Kingdom, Australia and points in between. She has served in the Peace Corps, holds a Master’s degree in Community Counseling/Psychology, and worked for several years as a Program Director at the Ruth Cooper Mental Health Center in Fort Myers, Florida. She has authored four audio programs, and her column “Stress for Success” appears weekly in the Fort Myers News-Press’ Healthy Living section.
Mark Loren Designs is located at 13351 McGregor Boulevard, Fort Myers, Florida 33919. Wine will be served and books will be available for purchase. Guests will have the opportunity to have their books signed, meet the author, and discuss the benefits of stress management. Reservations are not required.
For more information about Jacquelyn Ferguson and her new book, visit www.letyourbodywin.com.
Stress a major factor with panic attacks
Knowledge most effective treatment
Stress for Success
November 17, 2009
Panic attacks are frightening. Your heart races to the point you fear a heart attack. You experience shallow breathing, nausea and sweating triggering agonizing thoughts about losing control, going crazy or dying.
You probably obsessively worry about future attacks so avoiding the situations causing them seems logical. Your world shrinks and your quality of life diminishes. Your panic symptoms and avoidance behavior qualify you for a diagnosis of panic disorder.
I overcame infrequent panic attacks in my 20s. Thirty years later they returned while driving over high bridges. Why? My overall stress level was through the roof due to my care-giving for both of my parents during their end-of-life illnesses.
Virtually anyone can develop panic attacks. Research explains that a person’s first one is caused by enough ongoing heightened stress where just a little more can put you into a panic zone. My newly emerged attacks disappeared as my stress level gradually returned to normal (out of my panic zone) after my parents passed away.
Genetic vulnerability explains why others panic. If one identical twin has panic disorder, the chance that her twin also has it is two to three times higher than for fraternal twins.
New research suggests another cause: too much carbon dioxide. Danish experimental psychiatrist Eric Griez had healthy volunteers inhale air with varying levels of carbon dioxide. With higher amounts they reported feeling fear, discomfort, fear of losing control and dying. These results build on Donald Klein’s “false suffocation alarm” theory suggesting that some people have an overly sensitive suffocation monitoring system.
Physiological and/or psychological vulnerabilities can also make you more likely to panic, such as a short-fuse fight/flight response from excessive childhood stress or having parents who taught you that the world is a very scary place.
Regardless of the cause, you’ll likely associate your physical and mental symptoms with what’s going on at the time. These associations become “learned alarms” that can provoke further panic. Like how some mistake the accelerated heart rate from vigorous exercise with the heart pounding of a panic attack, triggering an attack. Or confuse excitement, which triggers the fight/flight in a positive way, with panic, thus setting off another attack. It’s a vicious cycle. You’ve become hyper-vigilant to the physical and mental symptoms associated with panic attacks setting you up for more of them.
Knowledge about panic disorder is the most effective treatment:
* Accept that panic attacks are a perfectly normal physiological function (the fight/flight, albeit overheated) that won’t kill you nor drive you crazy. They trigger catastrophic thinking that’s within your control to minimize. For example, avoid building exaggerated scenarios of passing out based on your faster breathing from a panic attack.
* Wait for a few minutes and the panic will subside. It’ll diminish faster if you don’t feed it with exaggerated thinking.
* Take yourself out of the panic attack zone by reducing your overall stress;
* Get gradual exposure to the internal and external cues to diminish their associative power;
Next week we’ll look at panic attacks in the air.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Go to http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com for past articles.
Knowledge most effective treatment
Stress for Success
November 17, 2009
Panic attacks are frightening. Your heart races to the point you fear a heart attack. You experience shallow breathing, nausea and sweating triggering agonizing thoughts about losing control, going crazy or dying.
You probably obsessively worry about future attacks so avoiding the situations causing them seems logical. Your world shrinks and your quality of life diminishes. Your panic symptoms and avoidance behavior qualify you for a diagnosis of panic disorder.
I overcame infrequent panic attacks in my 20s. Thirty years later they returned while driving over high bridges. Why? My overall stress level was through the roof due to my care-giving for both of my parents during their end-of-life illnesses.
Virtually anyone can develop panic attacks. Research explains that a person’s first one is caused by enough ongoing heightened stress where just a little more can put you into a panic zone. My newly emerged attacks disappeared as my stress level gradually returned to normal (out of my panic zone) after my parents passed away.
Genetic vulnerability explains why others panic. If one identical twin has panic disorder, the chance that her twin also has it is two to three times higher than for fraternal twins.
New research suggests another cause: too much carbon dioxide. Danish experimental psychiatrist Eric Griez had healthy volunteers inhale air with varying levels of carbon dioxide. With higher amounts they reported feeling fear, discomfort, fear of losing control and dying. These results build on Donald Klein’s “false suffocation alarm” theory suggesting that some people have an overly sensitive suffocation monitoring system.
Physiological and/or psychological vulnerabilities can also make you more likely to panic, such as a short-fuse fight/flight response from excessive childhood stress or having parents who taught you that the world is a very scary place.
Regardless of the cause, you’ll likely associate your physical and mental symptoms with what’s going on at the time. These associations become “learned alarms” that can provoke further panic. Like how some mistake the accelerated heart rate from vigorous exercise with the heart pounding of a panic attack, triggering an attack. Or confuse excitement, which triggers the fight/flight in a positive way, with panic, thus setting off another attack. It’s a vicious cycle. You’ve become hyper-vigilant to the physical and mental symptoms associated with panic attacks setting you up for more of them.
Knowledge about panic disorder is the most effective treatment:
* Accept that panic attacks are a perfectly normal physiological function (the fight/flight, albeit overheated) that won’t kill you nor drive you crazy. They trigger catastrophic thinking that’s within your control to minimize. For example, avoid building exaggerated scenarios of passing out based on your faster breathing from a panic attack.
* Wait for a few minutes and the panic will subside. It’ll diminish faster if you don’t feed it with exaggerated thinking.
* Take yourself out of the panic attack zone by reducing your overall stress;
* Get gradual exposure to the internal and external cues to diminish their associative power;
Next week we’ll look at panic attacks in the air.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Go to http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com for past articles.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Chronic stress may lead to cancer development
Weakened immune system less likely to stave off illness
Stress for Success
November 10, 2009
Mounting research demonstrates that chronic stress, elevated stress for more than four months, makes you vulnerable to illness and disease development but does this include cancer? According to the National Cancer Institute it seems the answer depends upon whom you talk to. Some researchers say yes, others say no. There’s not enough evidence to say definitively one way or the other. Some studies have found a link but not a direct cause-and-effect.
Partly it’s unclear because the relationship between physical and psychological health isn’t well understood. Also because of that huge variable: genetics. Then there are common risk factors for cancer like:
* Bad habits like smoking, alcohol abuse
* Growing older
* Being overweight
* Having a family history of cancer
Researchers have difficulty controlling the presence of these factors in study groups and separating them from the effects of stress.
One researched connection between stress and physical health that’s near-universally accepted is that stress weakens your immune system, which protects you from infection and disease, including cancer. Also, recent animal studies suggest that your fight/flight stress response can directly alter important cellular processes that help protect against the formation of cancer, such as DNA repair and the management of cell growth.
Since chronic stress also increases your risk of obesity, heart disease, depression and other illnesses and conditions possibly leading to unhealthy habits like overeating, smoking or alcohol or drug abuse, all of which can influence your cancer risk, it’s safe to say that elevated stress for too long can make you vulnerable to develop whatever your genetics predisposes you to develop.
Additionally, some studies indicate that stress can affect cancerous tumor growth and its spread, but the how isn’t well understood. Perhaps it’s the effect of stress on the immune system, which affects tumor enlargement. Also, research using animals indicates that the body’s release of stress hormones can directly affect cancer cell functions.
Finally, a review of studies researching psychological factors and vulnerability to cancer suggests a relationship between certain psychological factors and the growth or spread of cancer:
* Feeling helpless
* Suppressing negative emotions
Not all studies, however, found this relationship. A stronger relationship has been found between psychological factors and cancer growth and spread versus cancer development. (This information is from the National Institute of Mental Health: www.nimh.nih.gov.)
In short, we can’t definitively say that stress causes cancer. At minimum since chronic stress is strongly indicated in cardio-vascular disease, diabetes and many lesser afflictions (from insomnia to irritable bowel syndrome) it behooves you to manage your stress well, especially if cancer is in your family. And since stress can exacerbate any health problem, it’s wise to direct your stress energy to keep the stress hormones from triggering your genetic vulnerabilities. Channel this energy regularly through the two most efficient and powerful Stress Breaks: physical exercise (releases the stress energy) and meditation (relaxes it). Taking better care of yourself also increases your sense of personal control, automatically decreasing your stress, therefore its harmful effects.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Go to http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com for past articles.
Weakened immune system less likely to stave off illness
Stress for Success
November 10, 2009
Mounting research demonstrates that chronic stress, elevated stress for more than four months, makes you vulnerable to illness and disease development but does this include cancer? According to the National Cancer Institute it seems the answer depends upon whom you talk to. Some researchers say yes, others say no. There’s not enough evidence to say definitively one way or the other. Some studies have found a link but not a direct cause-and-effect.
Partly it’s unclear because the relationship between physical and psychological health isn’t well understood. Also because of that huge variable: genetics. Then there are common risk factors for cancer like:
* Bad habits like smoking, alcohol abuse
* Growing older
* Being overweight
* Having a family history of cancer
Researchers have difficulty controlling the presence of these factors in study groups and separating them from the effects of stress.
One researched connection between stress and physical health that’s near-universally accepted is that stress weakens your immune system, which protects you from infection and disease, including cancer. Also, recent animal studies suggest that your fight/flight stress response can directly alter important cellular processes that help protect against the formation of cancer, such as DNA repair and the management of cell growth.
Since chronic stress also increases your risk of obesity, heart disease, depression and other illnesses and conditions possibly leading to unhealthy habits like overeating, smoking or alcohol or drug abuse, all of which can influence your cancer risk, it’s safe to say that elevated stress for too long can make you vulnerable to develop whatever your genetics predisposes you to develop.
Additionally, some studies indicate that stress can affect cancerous tumor growth and its spread, but the how isn’t well understood. Perhaps it’s the effect of stress on the immune system, which affects tumor enlargement. Also, research using animals indicates that the body’s release of stress hormones can directly affect cancer cell functions.
Finally, a review of studies researching psychological factors and vulnerability to cancer suggests a relationship between certain psychological factors and the growth or spread of cancer:
* Feeling helpless
* Suppressing negative emotions
Not all studies, however, found this relationship. A stronger relationship has been found between psychological factors and cancer growth and spread versus cancer development. (This information is from the National Institute of Mental Health: www.nimh.nih.gov.)
In short, we can’t definitively say that stress causes cancer. At minimum since chronic stress is strongly indicated in cardio-vascular disease, diabetes and many lesser afflictions (from insomnia to irritable bowel syndrome) it behooves you to manage your stress well, especially if cancer is in your family. And since stress can exacerbate any health problem, it’s wise to direct your stress energy to keep the stress hormones from triggering your genetic vulnerabilities. Channel this energy regularly through the two most efficient and powerful Stress Breaks: physical exercise (releases the stress energy) and meditation (relaxes it). Taking better care of yourself also increases your sense of personal control, automatically decreasing your stress, therefore its harmful effects.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Go to http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com for past articles.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Sudden death of stepson something quite different
Support from others critical to coping
Stress for Success
November 3, 2009
When the phone rings at 1:00 a.m., it’s never good news. This happened to my husband and me very recently. And it was very bad news. My 38 year-old step-son, my husband’s younger of two boys, had just passed away. We were stunned.
Bobby lived with us when he was a very sweet and social 16-year-old (it’s great to describe a 16-year-old boy that way.) He was a pleasure to live with. He moved back in with us a few times after that as an adult, as so many young people do.
Sad and bad news like this sinks in slowly. Throughout the day we both frequently found ourselves staring into space. Friends and family started to call with condolences and the tears flowed. Family gathered, and that’s good. It helps so much. These make it real.
We’ve lost several friends and relatives over the past years and it’s never easy. But a son – that’s different. That’s not supposed to happen.
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned over the past decade from losing both of my parents, a sister, a brother-in-law and several friends is that it’s important to have no unfinished business with your loved one who passes away. I’ve seen it happen time and again where the ailing person and a surviving loved one patched things up at the end; even with no words spoken about anything needing to be patched up. It was the behavior of each that showed the other that all was forgiven; that their mutual love was far more important than whatever had separated them. Why do we let things fester?
Life contentment is to a huge degree determined by how connected to others we were throughout life. Even something little like sending heart-felt sympathy cards strengthens these connections. I’d never previously understood their significance from a survivor’s eyes. Now I’ve become much better at sending cards myself.
More importantly, opening yourself to the expressions of love and support help cope with stress and loss. Like a dear friend who cooked a meal large enough for an army after my father died. She knew we were hosting many family members and cooking is one of her gifts. Other friends lent their shoulders to cry on throughout my parents’ illnesses (they went through their end-of-life illnesses at the same time.) A brother called me almost daily to help make decisions and share the stress of my care-giving. He’d make me laugh in the first minute or two of each call momentarily lifting my stress. Other siblings came down to FL to take our place so we could occasionally get away. Our new kittens made me smile. I don’t know what I would have done without them. Each one contributed something valuable and special.
But with Bobby we had no warning. Boom! He’s gone. Something tells me this will be a different kind of grieving. Thank goodness we have so many loved ones to help us get through it. Writing about it helps, too. Thanks for reading.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Go to http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com for past articles.
Support from others critical to coping
Stress for Success
November 3, 2009
When the phone rings at 1:00 a.m., it’s never good news. This happened to my husband and me very recently. And it was very bad news. My 38 year-old step-son, my husband’s younger of two boys, had just passed away. We were stunned.
Bobby lived with us when he was a very sweet and social 16-year-old (it’s great to describe a 16-year-old boy that way.) He was a pleasure to live with. He moved back in with us a few times after that as an adult, as so many young people do.
Sad and bad news like this sinks in slowly. Throughout the day we both frequently found ourselves staring into space. Friends and family started to call with condolences and the tears flowed. Family gathered, and that’s good. It helps so much. These make it real.
We’ve lost several friends and relatives over the past years and it’s never easy. But a son – that’s different. That’s not supposed to happen.
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned over the past decade from losing both of my parents, a sister, a brother-in-law and several friends is that it’s important to have no unfinished business with your loved one who passes away. I’ve seen it happen time and again where the ailing person and a surviving loved one patched things up at the end; even with no words spoken about anything needing to be patched up. It was the behavior of each that showed the other that all was forgiven; that their mutual love was far more important than whatever had separated them. Why do we let things fester?
Life contentment is to a huge degree determined by how connected to others we were throughout life. Even something little like sending heart-felt sympathy cards strengthens these connections. I’d never previously understood their significance from a survivor’s eyes. Now I’ve become much better at sending cards myself.
More importantly, opening yourself to the expressions of love and support help cope with stress and loss. Like a dear friend who cooked a meal large enough for an army after my father died. She knew we were hosting many family members and cooking is one of her gifts. Other friends lent their shoulders to cry on throughout my parents’ illnesses (they went through their end-of-life illnesses at the same time.) A brother called me almost daily to help make decisions and share the stress of my care-giving. He’d make me laugh in the first minute or two of each call momentarily lifting my stress. Other siblings came down to FL to take our place so we could occasionally get away. Our new kittens made me smile. I don’t know what I would have done without them. Each one contributed something valuable and special.
But with Bobby we had no warning. Boom! He’s gone. Something tells me this will be a different kind of grieving. Thank goodness we have so many loved ones to help us get through it. Writing about it helps, too. Thanks for reading.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Go to http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com for past articles.
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