Kids’ development of empathy is aided by Cognitive Psychology

Stress for Success

August 20, 2013

Empathic kids handle stress better, according to Gustavo Carlo, the Millsap Professor of Diversity in the Missouri University of Human Development and Family Studies. Carlo explained, “Empathetic kids are generally good at regulating their emotions and tend not to lose their tempers. … you’re less concerned about yourself and more considerate of others. On the other hand, impulsive children are more self-focused and have difficulty engaging in problem-focused coping.”

To develop greater empathy for others, we need to start by developing it for ourselves. To do that, it’s important to understand how thoughts, feelings and behaviors are intertwined.

Teach your kids Cognitive Psychology

Most kids, and frankly many adults, have no idea that their thoughts, emotions and behavior are inextricably linked. First, understand Cognitive Psychology (CP) so you can then teach your children about it. This will help them handle all stress better and enhance understanding of everyone’s behaviors, thus allowing more empathy to develop.

Here’s the basics of CP:

          Your thoughts (self-talk) determine your emotional reactions, which determine

          your behavior, which greatly influence your outcomes in situations.

 If you don’t like your outcome you must change your thinking. So lesson number one is to become more aware of your thoughts. Kids typically are not.

It’s important as a parent, then, to have on-going and age appropriate conversations with your kids about how their emotional reactions are not completely caused by an event but are far more caused by what they say to themselves about the event.

For example, a seventh grade girl came home from a school dance swearing to never return to another. She explained that none of the boys asked her to dance because she’s such a “frump”. Can you see that her upset is more from her calling herself a frump than the situation of not being asked to dance? What else might she be telling herself about it?

 Tempting as it is, don’t just automatically respond that she’s not a frump. Instead, explore her interpretation further. Say something like, “If I felt like a frump I wouldn’t want to return to another dance, either.” Let her continue to talk about it. Paraphrase her along the way. You may discover that she’s also telling herself, ““I’m such a loser. No one will want to dance with me.” 

 Once it feels like she has expressed herself and she feels understood by you, you can make the point that most of her upset is from what she’s saying to herself. Ask her how she thinks she comes across when she’s feeling like a loser and frumpy. Does she look away from boys? Does she frown? Help her make the connections between her putting herself down in her thoughts leading to her lack of eye contact making her less attractive to the boys not asking her to dance.

Teach her how to change her interpretation - her self-talk - to change how she feels emotionally. She could learn to say, “OK, I feel uncomfortable in these situations but I need to make myself look interested in the other kids by looking them in the eyes and smiling.” Over time she can learn how her thinking (based on her beliefs about herself and the world around her) determines her emotions, which then go on to determine her behavior bringing about the outcome of not being asked to dance.

Teach her to change her thoughts to change her moods.

 Explain that simply thinking positive thoughts won’t necessarily produce her desired results. “I’m beautiful and all boys want to dance with me,” is unrealistically positive. It’s far more important to be rational and reasonable in your thoughts.

 In these conversations be sure to respect that your child’s emotional reaction and accept that it isn’t wrong. She feels what she feels based on how she’s interpreting the situation. Your parental challenge is to get her to understand that changing her interpretations is not only within her control, it will lead to better moods and a greater understanding of what everyone else experiences, as well.

 Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S. is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach.  Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html.  Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Developing empathy helps adolescents cope with stress

Stress for Success
August 6, 2013

Some kids are simply born luckier than others; like those who are born to emotionally mature parents. When children grow up in an emotionally stable environment, where they feel nurtured and safe, they can afford to be less focused on themselves and experience the luxury of taking an interest in others, a necessary condition for developing empathy. Those children born to emotionally immature parents who do not attend to their children’s needs are at a distinct disadvantage.

Empathy is very important trait for kids – and adults - in dealing with life’s stressors. Gustavo Carlo, the Millsap Professor of Diversity in the Missouri University of Human Development and Family Studies and his team surveyed 1557 students between the ages of 12 and 15 years in Valencia, Spain to measure various behaviors: their feelings toward others, past pro-social and physically aggressive behaviors, and their emotional stability and how they deal with stressful situations.

Carlo points out that adults deal with stress through problem-solving, while infants relieve stress through crying. He identified adolescents’ coping habits and how these affect their behaviors toward others. 

In an August 8, 2012 article, the researchers reported, “… empathetic youngsters were more likely to use problem-focused coping to manage their stress. They were also more likely to perform pro-social behaviors benefiting others like helping friends with problems, donating money or volunteering. In contrast, emotionally unstable and impulsive young people tended to rely more on emotion-focused coping including avoidance or distraction, and also more frequently displayed signs of aggression.”

Carlo explained, “Empathetic kids are generally good at regulating their emotions and tend not to lose their tempers. … you’re less concerned about yourself and more considerate of others. On the other hand, impulsive children are more self-focused and have difficulty engaging in problem-focused coping.”

So how can you teach empathy to your children? To a significant degree it’s determined by their ages. With very young kids, the best way to teach them empathy is as parents to model it yourself. Listen more than you have in the past. Feed back to your children and to others what you hear them say versus put out your own views without acknowledging their perspectives.

Anthropologist, Gwen Dewar, Ph. D., (http://www.parentingscience.com/parenting-blog.html) offers advice on teaching empathy to children. She notes that empathy is a complicated trait made up of several skills:

·         Self-awareness and the ability to distinguish one’s own feelings from others’;

·         The ability to understand another’s perspective;

·         The ability to control one’s own emotional responses;

 

Everyone regardless of age benefits from having appropriate empathy. It’s not always easy, however. Those who have trouble coping with their own emotions find it more difficult to show empathy toward others.

Dewar suggest strategies, inspired by scientific research, to develop stronger empathy. I’ll cover one of hers today and additional ones in my next article.

1.    “Address your child’s needs and teach her how to bounce back from stress. Studies suggest kids are more likely to develop a strong sense of empathy when their own emotional needs are met at home (Barnett 1987). When kids have secure attachment relationships, they know they can count on their caregivers for emotional and physical support, they are more likely to show sympathy and offer help to other kids in distress (Waters et all 1979; Kestenbaum et all 1989).

Additional research indicates that kids are more likely to show empathic concern for others if they have parents who help them cope with negative emotions in a sympathetic, problem-solving-oriented way.”

 What kind of a grade would you give yourself as a parent on this first skill? Are you too hurried with your frustrated child? Would you teach better empathy if you would slow down, take a deep breath and truly listen to his frustration? Rather than telling him how to handle a stressor, what would happen if you asked him what he thinks his options might be?

 As parents, you can’t teach what you don’t know, so expand your own empathy skills first if necessary, then help your kids expand theirs. It would make for a much better world.

 Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S. is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach.  Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html.  Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.