Motivation is diminished by rigid, internal rules
Stress for Success
October 5, 2010


Humans have a strong desire to be the author of their own actions, which is inhibited by two kinds of external influences:
* Obvious ones like society, your boss or family - even that early morning alarm clock or your kids’ crazy schedules;
* The less apparent but equally if not more restrictive controls are your rigid “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts;”

Regardless of which control is operating, exert control by asking, “What are my options?” Do you have to allow your kids to participate in so many activities? How can you feel more rested when the alarm goes off? To passively accept that there are no options equals stress therefore leads to a loss of motivation, if not to burnout.

Your shoulds and shouldn’ts often operate beyond your awareness making them more powerful. Rules like, “You should be polite,” “You shouldn’t appear weak,” you most likely learned growing up. You internalized these and they now control you in largely unchallenged, unconscious ways. They reside in your head and you assume they belong there even if in the same breath you resist them.

For example, people who endlessly battle weight loss, stopping smoking or drinking have their share of rigid rules (who doesn’t?), which often create a “Master/Slave” relationship that’s more pronounced than in those with no addictions.

On the one hand “I should lose weight,” sounds like a helpful inner voice. But what if the “should” represents the Master commanding you to lose weight, rankling you so your Slave resists? You may diet and exercise as you “should” or as your spouse pressures you to and you make some progress - for a while. But your rigid rules and your spouse’s pressure are both extrinsic motivators, which don’t motivate well, nor for long. Your internal Master demands compliance, which can trigger your Slave to sabotage your diet.

Charlotte Selver, counselor to very famous students like Fritz Perls and Clara Thompson, said, “If you dare to be fat, then you can be thin.”

She was referring to this Master/Slave power struggle: you pressure yourself to lose weight with the threat of hating yourself if you don’t. This creates resistance through unconscious sabotaging of yourself. To lose weight – or quit smoking or drinking – you’ll be more successful if you move beyond the power struggle and its inevitable self-hatred.

Counter your rigid rules by substituting “should, shouldn’t, have to, must” vocabulary with “choose, want, prefer.” Instead of saying, “I should lose weight,” say, “I want to lose weight,” or “I choose to lose weight.” Whereas “should” and “shouldn’t” predict you’ll behave in rigid, Master-induced ways, the more flexible vocabulary bypasses the Master putting you in charge of deciding if you really want to or not, which is the essence of motivation.

Additionally, if you’re motivated to quit your bad habit in order to take control of your health (intrinsic reason) you’ll have significantly better success than if you do it for others (extrinsic reason.) So take control by consciously challenging your Master/Slave dichotomy or it will continue to control you.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.