Perfectionism causes more stress than it’s worth
Put more time in your life and don’t sweat it
Stress for Success
August 11, 2009

Do you need life to be perfect? What happens when it isn’t? Are you perceived as imperfect yourself? Is that what worries you?

Here’s a perfect (forgive the pun) definition of a perfectionist: “One who takes great pains and gives them to others.” Source unknown.

For example, when you have guests coming for dinner, do you exhaust yourself obsessively cleaning and cooking for them so that preparation becomes more important than your guests? Is preparation truly your top priority for the evening?

Part of the problem with perfectionists is that they tend to see things as white and black: either you prepare perfectly or not at all. So the perfectionist knocks herself out and ends up yawning over dinner.

Women more than men have been socialized to be perfect: perfectly nice, to NEVER hurt anyone’s feelings, to always be clean and smell good (your homes, too), and not to lose your temper – it’s very unladylike.

I’ve known a few male perfectionists but far more women.

Part of the problem for any perfectionist, male or female, is that we judge others by our own impossible standards. Who can live up to them? And when they don’t, we become judgmental of them leading to more conflict and stress.

To decrease your perfectionist expectations of others start with this rule (be careful how you read this): “I won’t should on you if you won’t should on me.” Source unknown.

When someone disappoints you, listen for the “should” in your assessment of what they’re doing “wrong.”

For example, your boss didn’t give you any positive feedback on your recent project that was widely praised by others. Your reaction was, “If I were the boss I’d compliment employees’ good work.” You’re shoulding on him. The implied should is, “He should give positive feedback.”

No doubt employees’ good work should be praised. But has your boss complimented you historically? If not, what leads you to expect him to change?

The problem is that through your perfectionist (and judgmental) eyes, you think it’s perfectly realistic to expect that he will. But that’s where most of your stress is coming from – your unrealistic expectations that someone beyond your control will change. Your stress is far less from his actual lack of approval.

To reduce at least some of your perfectionism follow additional advice, some of which is from “How to Put More Time into Your Life” by Dr. Dru Scott:
* Strive for excellence not perfection.
* Get comfortable with “good enough” for lesser priorities.
* Use headlines in books and magazines to choose what to read.
* Prioritize your responsibilities. Ask if the time required to accomplish unimportant tasks would be better spend on something that’s a higher priority.
* Each day, do at least one thing imperfectly.

Take it from a recovering perfectionist, perfectionism causes far more stress than it’s worth

Life really does go on when you reduce some of your too-high expectations of yourself and others. Plus, more realistic expectations lead to lower stress.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Her new book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, IS NOW available at www.letyourbodywin.com. Go to her blog, http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com for past articles.