Assert yourself when faced with harassment by co-worker
Stress for Success
August 12, 2008


“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten,” is a great quote from the book “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway” by Dr. Susan Jeffers.

For example, if you’re repeatedly on the receiving end of harassment or bullying and do nothing to stop it, you’ll get more of it. If you want it to cease you must change your reaction by asserting yourself with your harasser or reporting the behavior to your supervisor.

Another great quote is, “I train people how to treat me.” By doing nothing about the inappropriate behavior you’re actually encouraging it. Your passive reaction makes you complicit while you train the other person to harass you.

Nobody needs to tolerate abuse in the workplace today. There are laws to protect you in not only reporting harassment but also to protect you from retaliation as a result. (Although, you’ve heard of whistle blowers who are supposed to be protected from reprisal and aren’t.)

Retaliation is adverse treatment that occurs because someone opposes unlawful workplace harassment. (Protection from bullying, however, isn’t covered by anti-harassment law.) Examples include being assigned to a lesser position or less desirable work, not invited to meetings or not included in discussions pertinent to your job responsibilities.

Even though filing a harassment complaint is protected by law and you should follow your organization’s policy, consider first addressing your harasser. This isn’t always advisable but is generally less stressful than going through the complaint process. Learn to stand up to the harasser and nip the objectionable behavior in the bud. Don’t put up with it time and again.

Follow these assertive rules to make confronting the harasser more successful:
When speaking to the harasser, speak for yourself only. Avoid saying, “We’re all tired of your behavior.” Assertively confront the person on what she specifically did to you personally.
Use preventive assertion: speak to the harasser when no problems are occurring right now. Say something to prevent her from repeating her offensive behavior.
Use an “understanding assertion.” This gives the harasser the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps he honestly doesn’t know that his behavior is offensive. To help minimize his defensiveness before describing his offensive behavior begin with:
“You may be unaware that …” Or,
“I’m sure you mean no harm, but …”
To request that he stop the offensive behavior, use the “behavior - feeling - request” formula.
o “When you call me ‘babe’ (behavior), I feel angry (feeling). Please don’t do that (request).”
o “When you tell dirty jokes (behavior), I feel uncomfortable (feeling). Stop doing this (request).”

It’s also very import to document everything that happens in case you decide to file a complaint later. Be specific about:
What was said/done by whom toward whom?
When did it happen?
What was your response?
Who else witnessed each event?

Train others to treat you with respect and give yourself greater control in these stressful and abusive situations.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.