Communicate strong emotions honestly, when appropriate
Stress for Success
June 6, 2006



Communicating honestly about strong emotions is difficult for most of us. If you’ve buried your feelings over your lifetime you’ve probably built up a reservoir and may fear the consequences of ever letting it out. Yet by holding them in you’re perpetuating the status quo. In other words, you're part of the problem yourself.

But what’s the best way for you to express yourself emotionally?

1980s pop psychology encouraged the "let it all out" approach. Banging the table or stomping the floor would allow you to express your strong feelings without aggression toward another person. However this approach proved to be ineffective.

According to Emmons & Alberti, authors of Your Perfect Right, (the groundbreaking assertiveness book) more recent research suggests that expressing your emotions gives you only momentary relief. It's the “stored memory” of past and upsetting experiences that needs to be resolved to truly deal with the emotions they trigger.

We were also told that angry feelings get released through aggressive acts. However, the result of shouting obscenities, for instance, is that you simply learn to handle anger aggressively without solving the problem.

One of the least effective ways of expressing strong emotions is to talk to somebody who isn’t the person with whom you're upset. Venting about someone you're unhappy with can be helpful, but only if it leads to moving on or to problem solving. The trouble, however, is that the venting often turns into whining. I've written many times about how excessive whining leads to a state of victimhood. Complaining and blaming day after day after day develop into a helpless cycle making you a victim to the person who's upsetting to you, increasing your resentment and your stress.

Additionally, doing nothing to problem solve what triggers your anger is very bad for your health. Duke University research psychiatrist, Redford Williams, and his colleagues have identified a "hostility syndrome", a collection of attitudinal and behavioral traits, which predict heart disease with astonishing accuracy. They found three major factors in toxic anger:

• Cynical thoughts
• Angry feelings
• Aggressive behavior

Their conclusion is that chronic anger can be deadly. (Most of the research has been done on men and limited data on women show a similar pattern.)

Williams along with his wife, Virginia, offers a "Hostility Roadmap". Your answers to these questions can help you determine if it's worth your energy to be honest with someone about your anger.

• Is the matter worth my continued attention? How big a deal is it really?
• Am I justified? How right am I really?
• Do I have an effective response?

If you decide that you want to communicate honestly about your angry feelings:

• Accept personal responsibility for your own anger; don't make the other person the cause of it.
• Say something assertively without violating the rights of the person you address.
• Make your goal to resolve the problem vs. vent, get even or make the other person feel bad.
• Keep in mind that expressing your anger alone won’t resolve the problem. After assertively expressing yourself move quickly into problem-solving.

To have more honesty in your relationships it's important to communicate strong emotions, especially anger, when appropriate. Holding in your emotions simply extends and usually exacerbates the problem. If this remains very difficult for you, consult a counselor or take assertiveness training to develop the skills necessary for honestly expressing your emotions.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach in Lee County. Her mission is to inspire people to live a conscious life of personal responsibility in relations with themselves, with others and with the environment. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.