Overcome yes-but and the procrastination it causes
Stress for Success
June 27, 2006
If you want to be a successful procrastinator use the sure-fire technique, the yes-but. "Yes I know that I need to get that done, but not now." It works because it’s obvious what usually follows the but … nothing. "I'd love to apply for that job, but I'm probably not qualified." The yes indicates your interest in the job and the but is the excuse you need to put off trying to get it.
Are you a yes-buter? Dr. Arthur Freeman and Rose DeWolf, authors of The 10 Dumbest Mistakes Smart People Make, say a common reason you may procrastinate in uncomfortable situations is because you have a low tolerance for frustration. But since frustration is a fact of life you'll need to tolerate disagreeable circumstances better if you expect to overcome this very effective stalling practice.
Acknowledging the unpleasantness of your task can help. But don’t go overboard. If your self-talk exaggerates how distasteful the job is you’ll be right back into yes-but. Instead, consciously acknowledge the due date of your commitment and at minimum create a plan of action as described below.
Ultimately, to stop delaying you’ll need to change your yes-but to yes-and. Instead of, "I'd love to apply for that job, but I doubt I'm qualified", say "Yes, I'd love to apply for that job and I need to find out what the qualifications are." Yes-but gives you excuses. Yes-and shows you the steps you need to take.
"Delay is the deadliest form of denial," C. Northcote Parkinson said. So when you hear yourself use the yes-but as an excuse for procrastination immediately do the following:
• Write your project’s goal, e.g., "I want this job."
• Next, list all of the steps you’d need to take to get it, breaking them down
into bite-size pieces:
– Get the phone number for and call the organization for which you want to work
– Ask about the qualifications and if meet them get an application
– Fill out and send in the application
– Follow up with a phone call to the company
– Etc.
• Write down a deadline for each and every step.
• Then commit to each step, one by one. As Mao Tse-tung said, "The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step." Put one foot in front of the other and take one step at a time.
If you’re unwilling to follow through with these steps, decrease your stress by admitting to yourself that you have no intention of looking for this and possibly other jobs. Being honest with yourself about it means you’re being conscious of your choices. “I choose to not pursue this job because I assume I’m not qualified.” Staying conscious increases the likelihood that one day you’ll make a different choice. Perhaps you’ll even pursue a job you fear you’re not qualified for by throwing caution to the wind and researching whether or not you are.
Get out of the nothing-can-be-done mode and instead focus on a starting point. Each time you hear yourself say yes-but stop yourself and instead say yes-and to see what the implied action steps are that you can begin right now! Then start your journey one step at a time.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her mission is to inspire people to live conscious lives of personal responsibility in relations with themselves, with others. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Chronic procrastinators need to just start
Stress for Success
June 20, 2006
"Procrastination is the fear of success. People procrastinate because they’re afraid of the success that they know will result if they move ahead now. Because success is heavy, carries a responsibility with it, it’s much easier to procrastinate and live on the ‘someday I'll’ philosophy." Denis Waitley.
Or if you prefer Mark Twain's take on procrastination, he said, "Never put off till tomorrow, what you can do the day after tomorrow."
No matter how you look at it, procrastination is a frustrating habit. But since it’s a learned one it can be overcome. But nothing will change until you get conscious about your habits.
If you’re a professional procrastinator you need to become aware that when you say "later" you really don't mean it. Thousands of “laters” create thousands of opportunities lost. So when you say "later" follow up with, "Later to me actually means never. Do I really want to get this done or not?"
Also become very cognizant of your avoidance habits, which you’ve probably perfected to the point that you engage in them automatically and unconsciously whenever you face an unpleasant task. Keep a journal of your thoughts and emotions when you're delaying. Follow these steps:
• Choose something you’ve procrastinated on each day.
• Describe the activity you put off. Was it unpleasant, confusing, uncomfortable or threatening?
• Write what you were thinking and feeling when you began to delay, for instance, "I can’t concentrate enough right now." Continue to record what you say and/or what you do to prolong your postponement.
• What was your outcome?
• Ask yourself why you're avoiding action. Is it a legitimate reason or just an excuse? Also ask yourself, "What discomfort am I evading?" Usually your answer is based on some unfounded fear.
To get going try these ideas.
• Timothy A. Pychyl, of Ottawa's Carlton University, runs a procrastination research group and suggests, "Make a deal with yourself and follow the 10- minute rule.” Acknowledge your desire to procrastinate then do the task for 10 minutes anyway, to initiate, the hardest step for chronic procrastinators. After working on it for 10 minutes decide whether to continue. Once you're involved, it's easy to stay with the task.
• If you have something to do, do it now or schedule it. If it's not worth the amount of time it takes to schedule, it's not going to get done "later."
• For larger projects write out your goal and list each step you have to take to accomplish it. Schedule each step in your calendar.
• Invest your energy on the important and ignore the trivial.
• Don't demean yourself when you procrastinate because it diminishes your self-esteem so you’re more likely to continue procrastinating.
• Keep a next steps list for all projects; one of the best ideas I've ever learned. For major projects I'm working on I keep a next steps list with an estimate of how long it’ll take to accomplish each one. If I have 15 minutes I'll look over my lists for something I can get done in less than 15 minutes. This furthers your progress in bits and pieces, which is great for those who procrastinate.
• Put the task right in front of you to avoid “out of sight out of mind”.
• Public commitment: Tell someone what you’re working on and when you’ll have it finished.
• Reward yourself when you’ve completed it. Do something just for fun. Give yourself a mental complement.
For chronic procrastinators remember the most important thing to do is just start! So what are you waiting for?
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her mission is to inspire people to live conscious lives of personal responsibility in relations with themselves, with others. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
June 20, 2006
"Procrastination is the fear of success. People procrastinate because they’re afraid of the success that they know will result if they move ahead now. Because success is heavy, carries a responsibility with it, it’s much easier to procrastinate and live on the ‘someday I'll’ philosophy." Denis Waitley.
Or if you prefer Mark Twain's take on procrastination, he said, "Never put off till tomorrow, what you can do the day after tomorrow."
No matter how you look at it, procrastination is a frustrating habit. But since it’s a learned one it can be overcome. But nothing will change until you get conscious about your habits.
If you’re a professional procrastinator you need to become aware that when you say "later" you really don't mean it. Thousands of “laters” create thousands of opportunities lost. So when you say "later" follow up with, "Later to me actually means never. Do I really want to get this done or not?"
Also become very cognizant of your avoidance habits, which you’ve probably perfected to the point that you engage in them automatically and unconsciously whenever you face an unpleasant task. Keep a journal of your thoughts and emotions when you're delaying. Follow these steps:
• Choose something you’ve procrastinated on each day.
• Describe the activity you put off. Was it unpleasant, confusing, uncomfortable or threatening?
• Write what you were thinking and feeling when you began to delay, for instance, "I can’t concentrate enough right now." Continue to record what you say and/or what you do to prolong your postponement.
• What was your outcome?
• Ask yourself why you're avoiding action. Is it a legitimate reason or just an excuse? Also ask yourself, "What discomfort am I evading?" Usually your answer is based on some unfounded fear.
To get going try these ideas.
• Timothy A. Pychyl, of Ottawa's Carlton University, runs a procrastination research group and suggests, "Make a deal with yourself and follow the 10- minute rule.” Acknowledge your desire to procrastinate then do the task for 10 minutes anyway, to initiate, the hardest step for chronic procrastinators. After working on it for 10 minutes decide whether to continue. Once you're involved, it's easy to stay with the task.
• If you have something to do, do it now or schedule it. If it's not worth the amount of time it takes to schedule, it's not going to get done "later."
• For larger projects write out your goal and list each step you have to take to accomplish it. Schedule each step in your calendar.
• Invest your energy on the important and ignore the trivial.
• Don't demean yourself when you procrastinate because it diminishes your self-esteem so you’re more likely to continue procrastinating.
• Keep a next steps list for all projects; one of the best ideas I've ever learned. For major projects I'm working on I keep a next steps list with an estimate of how long it’ll take to accomplish each one. If I have 15 minutes I'll look over my lists for something I can get done in less than 15 minutes. This furthers your progress in bits and pieces, which is great for those who procrastinate.
• Put the task right in front of you to avoid “out of sight out of mind”.
• Public commitment: Tell someone what you’re working on and when you’ll have it finished.
• Reward yourself when you’ve completed it. Do something just for fun. Give yourself a mental complement.
For chronic procrastinators remember the most important thing to do is just start! So what are you waiting for?
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her mission is to inspire people to live conscious lives of personal responsibility in relations with themselves, with others. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Take Time to Overcome Procrastination
Stress for Success
June 13, 2006
Have you ever seen “a round to it”? My husband made one for me years ago. It’s round in shape with the words, “to it” encircled, meaning when I get around to it I’ll get it done.
Do you put off something time and again until you get "around to it"? Does this habit get you into trouble with co-workers or family members?
Putting off until tomorrow --- or until never --- destroys more human potential than anything else. Since everyone has the same amount of time, 24 hours a day, the difference between being a Martha Stewart and a dreamer with big plans is usually a great deal of procrastination. It’s set into motion when you put off doing something that you tell yourself you'll get around to it tomorrow, a tomorrow that may never arrive.
I’m not addressing here the normal overload most of us experience that can lead to occasional procrastination. I’m referring to those who turn procrastination into an art form; those who shelve too many things at home and at work until a later time that seems will be better for whatever reason they can summon. I’m talking about those people who can waste an hour to avoid tackling an unpleasant five-minute task.
Dr. Donald Caruth and Gail Handlogten-Caruth, authors of Managing Compensation, identified seven causes (excuses) of procrastination. Identifying your major cause is the first step in overcoming it.
• Fear of success: success requires responsibility and many avoid personal responsibility
• Fear of failure is too great a fear for some to face; if you don't try you cannot fail
• Low frustration level for something that is too difficult or too uncomfortable making procrastination a viable option
• Misplaced priorities; when you don't know what's most important you can’t know where to begin, you may choose easy things to do first putting off the more important
• Poor time estimating; underestimating how long something will take makes it easy to delay because you can fit it in tomorrow; or you put it off because you think it’ll take too long and you don't have enough time right now
• Lack of motivation is common when the anticipated payoff is too small or the effort to produce seems too large
• Perfectionism paralyzes many people into inaction; perfectionists often suffer analysis paralysis, continually needing more information before a decision can be made resulting in procrastination
Timothy A. Pychyl, a professor of psychology at Ottawa's Carlton University, runs a procrastination research group and studies purposive behavior. He suggests that there are two basic ways of functioning in life. The first is the action-oriented approach where moving from task to task is easy. The other is the state-oriented approach, where there is a lot of inertia and procrastination.
State-oriented people rate tasks more negatively; they experience greater uncertainty, boredom, frustration and guilt than do action-oriented people. Frustration seems to be at the core of their procrastination. But irritation is a fact of life. To overcome procrastination they'll need to learn to tolerate frustration better.
Procrastination is a learned habit so you can learn to replace it with better habits. Next week I'll present several ideas to help you get around to it with less stress.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach in Lee County. Her mission is to inspire people to live a conscious life of personal responsibility in relations with themselves, with others and with the environment. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
June 13, 2006
Have you ever seen “a round to it”? My husband made one for me years ago. It’s round in shape with the words, “to it” encircled, meaning when I get around to it I’ll get it done.
Do you put off something time and again until you get "around to it"? Does this habit get you into trouble with co-workers or family members?
Putting off until tomorrow --- or until never --- destroys more human potential than anything else. Since everyone has the same amount of time, 24 hours a day, the difference between being a Martha Stewart and a dreamer with big plans is usually a great deal of procrastination. It’s set into motion when you put off doing something that you tell yourself you'll get around to it tomorrow, a tomorrow that may never arrive.
I’m not addressing here the normal overload most of us experience that can lead to occasional procrastination. I’m referring to those who turn procrastination into an art form; those who shelve too many things at home and at work until a later time that seems will be better for whatever reason they can summon. I’m talking about those people who can waste an hour to avoid tackling an unpleasant five-minute task.
Dr. Donald Caruth and Gail Handlogten-Caruth, authors of Managing Compensation, identified seven causes (excuses) of procrastination. Identifying your major cause is the first step in overcoming it.
• Fear of success: success requires responsibility and many avoid personal responsibility
• Fear of failure is too great a fear for some to face; if you don't try you cannot fail
• Low frustration level for something that is too difficult or too uncomfortable making procrastination a viable option
• Misplaced priorities; when you don't know what's most important you can’t know where to begin, you may choose easy things to do first putting off the more important
• Poor time estimating; underestimating how long something will take makes it easy to delay because you can fit it in tomorrow; or you put it off because you think it’ll take too long and you don't have enough time right now
• Lack of motivation is common when the anticipated payoff is too small or the effort to produce seems too large
• Perfectionism paralyzes many people into inaction; perfectionists often suffer analysis paralysis, continually needing more information before a decision can be made resulting in procrastination
Timothy A. Pychyl, a professor of psychology at Ottawa's Carlton University, runs a procrastination research group and studies purposive behavior. He suggests that there are two basic ways of functioning in life. The first is the action-oriented approach where moving from task to task is easy. The other is the state-oriented approach, where there is a lot of inertia and procrastination.
State-oriented people rate tasks more negatively; they experience greater uncertainty, boredom, frustration and guilt than do action-oriented people. Frustration seems to be at the core of their procrastination. But irritation is a fact of life. To overcome procrastination they'll need to learn to tolerate frustration better.
Procrastination is a learned habit so you can learn to replace it with better habits. Next week I'll present several ideas to help you get around to it with less stress.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach in Lee County. Her mission is to inspire people to live a conscious life of personal responsibility in relations with themselves, with others and with the environment. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Monday, June 05, 2006
Communicate strong emotions honestly, when appropriate
Stress for Success
June 6, 2006
Communicating honestly about strong emotions is difficult for most of us. If you’ve buried your feelings over your lifetime you’ve probably built up a reservoir and may fear the consequences of ever letting it out. Yet by holding them in you’re perpetuating the status quo. In other words, you're part of the problem yourself.
But what’s the best way for you to express yourself emotionally?
1980s pop psychology encouraged the "let it all out" approach. Banging the table or stomping the floor would allow you to express your strong feelings without aggression toward another person. However this approach proved to be ineffective.
According to Emmons & Alberti, authors of Your Perfect Right, (the groundbreaking assertiveness book) more recent research suggests that expressing your emotions gives you only momentary relief. It's the “stored memory” of past and upsetting experiences that needs to be resolved to truly deal with the emotions they trigger.
We were also told that angry feelings get released through aggressive acts. However, the result of shouting obscenities, for instance, is that you simply learn to handle anger aggressively without solving the problem.
One of the least effective ways of expressing strong emotions is to talk to somebody who isn’t the person with whom you're upset. Venting about someone you're unhappy with can be helpful, but only if it leads to moving on or to problem solving. The trouble, however, is that the venting often turns into whining. I've written many times about how excessive whining leads to a state of victimhood. Complaining and blaming day after day after day develop into a helpless cycle making you a victim to the person who's upsetting to you, increasing your resentment and your stress.
Additionally, doing nothing to problem solve what triggers your anger is very bad for your health. Duke University research psychiatrist, Redford Williams, and his colleagues have identified a "hostility syndrome", a collection of attitudinal and behavioral traits, which predict heart disease with astonishing accuracy. They found three major factors in toxic anger:
• Cynical thoughts
• Angry feelings
• Aggressive behavior
Their conclusion is that chronic anger can be deadly. (Most of the research has been done on men and limited data on women show a similar pattern.)
Williams along with his wife, Virginia, offers a "Hostility Roadmap". Your answers to these questions can help you determine if it's worth your energy to be honest with someone about your anger.
• Is the matter worth my continued attention? How big a deal is it really?
• Am I justified? How right am I really?
• Do I have an effective response?
If you decide that you want to communicate honestly about your angry feelings:
• Accept personal responsibility for your own anger; don't make the other person the cause of it.
• Say something assertively without violating the rights of the person you address.
• Make your goal to resolve the problem vs. vent, get even or make the other person feel bad.
• Keep in mind that expressing your anger alone won’t resolve the problem. After assertively expressing yourself move quickly into problem-solving.
To have more honesty in your relationships it's important to communicate strong emotions, especially anger, when appropriate. Holding in your emotions simply extends and usually exacerbates the problem. If this remains very difficult for you, consult a counselor or take assertiveness training to develop the skills necessary for honestly expressing your emotions.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach in Lee County. Her mission is to inspire people to live a conscious life of personal responsibility in relations with themselves, with others and with the environment. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
June 6, 2006
Communicating honestly about strong emotions is difficult for most of us. If you’ve buried your feelings over your lifetime you’ve probably built up a reservoir and may fear the consequences of ever letting it out. Yet by holding them in you’re perpetuating the status quo. In other words, you're part of the problem yourself.
But what’s the best way for you to express yourself emotionally?
1980s pop psychology encouraged the "let it all out" approach. Banging the table or stomping the floor would allow you to express your strong feelings without aggression toward another person. However this approach proved to be ineffective.
According to Emmons & Alberti, authors of Your Perfect Right, (the groundbreaking assertiveness book) more recent research suggests that expressing your emotions gives you only momentary relief. It's the “stored memory” of past and upsetting experiences that needs to be resolved to truly deal with the emotions they trigger.
We were also told that angry feelings get released through aggressive acts. However, the result of shouting obscenities, for instance, is that you simply learn to handle anger aggressively without solving the problem.
One of the least effective ways of expressing strong emotions is to talk to somebody who isn’t the person with whom you're upset. Venting about someone you're unhappy with can be helpful, but only if it leads to moving on or to problem solving. The trouble, however, is that the venting often turns into whining. I've written many times about how excessive whining leads to a state of victimhood. Complaining and blaming day after day after day develop into a helpless cycle making you a victim to the person who's upsetting to you, increasing your resentment and your stress.
Additionally, doing nothing to problem solve what triggers your anger is very bad for your health. Duke University research psychiatrist, Redford Williams, and his colleagues have identified a "hostility syndrome", a collection of attitudinal and behavioral traits, which predict heart disease with astonishing accuracy. They found three major factors in toxic anger:
• Cynical thoughts
• Angry feelings
• Aggressive behavior
Their conclusion is that chronic anger can be deadly. (Most of the research has been done on men and limited data on women show a similar pattern.)
Williams along with his wife, Virginia, offers a "Hostility Roadmap". Your answers to these questions can help you determine if it's worth your energy to be honest with someone about your anger.
• Is the matter worth my continued attention? How big a deal is it really?
• Am I justified? How right am I really?
• Do I have an effective response?
If you decide that you want to communicate honestly about your angry feelings:
• Accept personal responsibility for your own anger; don't make the other person the cause of it.
• Say something assertively without violating the rights of the person you address.
• Make your goal to resolve the problem vs. vent, get even or make the other person feel bad.
• Keep in mind that expressing your anger alone won’t resolve the problem. After assertively expressing yourself move quickly into problem-solving.
To have more honesty in your relationships it's important to communicate strong emotions, especially anger, when appropriate. Holding in your emotions simply extends and usually exacerbates the problem. If this remains very difficult for you, consult a counselor or take assertiveness training to develop the skills necessary for honestly expressing your emotions.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach in Lee County. Her mission is to inspire people to live a conscious life of personal responsibility in relations with themselves, with others and with the environment. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
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