Teach your children patience so they can have a better life
Stress for Success
March 14, 2006
Patience is a wonderful personal attribute. It helps you reach your goals as well as get along with others, while those who are impatient are spinning in emotional circles.

Impatience is a short step from more intense forms of anger. When your emotional brain is triggered it sends hormones racing through your body besieging your ability to think logically. So tame your impatience when you need to think rationally.

Whereas it’s never too late to learn patience, the ideal time to learn is when you're a child. But some experts worry that it’s being lost in our fast-paced, point-and-click world where technology brings us instant results, which lead to an expectation of instant results in everything from our relationships to traffic.

Dr. Marilyn Benoit, President-elect of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, is concerned that there’s a disturbing trend that finds children having more emotional outbursts. She describes this melt down in TheDot.com Kids and the Demise of Frustration Tolerance. "The problem I see emerging in children is one of decreasing frustration tolerance … in lay language …a lack of patience."

Dr. Benoit says that impatient children suffer because they haven't learned to delay their own gratification so have a harder time empathizing with others and coping when life becomes challenging. Significant impatience leads children and adults to believe that everything is about them. What a rude awakening for kids when they learn that it isn’t all about them.

Impatience in two-year-olds is certainly near universal, but meltdowns in older children can be a sign of more serious problems. Family psychologist and author Elizabeth Carll, Ph.D., adds, "Poor impulse control can lead to aggression and violence for some children."

Another reason it’s wise to teach children patience is that when they learn that it takes time to work toward goals and plan ahead, they're more likely to adapt when their needs aren’t immediately met. However, Dr. Toby Sachsenmaier, child and adolescent psychologist in Buffalo, New York, says that parents often interfere with their children learning patience by not letting them learn how to deal with disappointment.

The experts recommend the following to help you teach your children greater patience:

• Model appropriate patience. When children see that there are times when it's natural to feel impatient, they can learn constructive ways from you to cope with their frustration. You, the parent, are their #1 role model so learn greater patience if necessary.
• Reward patience. For example, when your child exhibits appropriate patient behavior, say something positive like, "Thank you for being so patient, I appreciate it." “Catch them doing something right.”
• Don’t reward impatience.
• Avoid overloading your children's schedules and avoid rushing to buy all the latest new high-tech stuff. Encourage them to have downtime.
• Engage them in slow-paced and enriching activities such as enjoying nature. Teach them to appreciate its beauty and complexity. Gardening, participating in non-technology games, constructing something that takes a few days to build, and even card games can all encourage your child to be more thoughtful and deliberate.

When children master greater patience it can help lead them to improved self-esteem and greater success in life because they've learned the power of self-control. Dr. Carll says, "Any time you feel more control, you feel better about yourself." And having a sense of control is the opposite of being stressed.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Professional Coach in Lee County. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.