Stress for Success
February 7, 2006


Skills can build rapport with people you find difficult to handle

Over the past weeks I’ve written about how to deal with certain types of difficult people. Effective as th ideas may be, sometimes they just don't work. The reason may be that you and the other person aren’t in rapport.

When you’re in rapport you feel comfortable with and trusting of each other therefore more likely to cooperate and less likely to resist. The essence of being in rapport is to be similar; to look and act more like the person(s) with whom you want rapport.

A classic example is the first women who rose up through management ranks. What kind of clothing did they wear? They wore conservative, dark suits --- just like men. Whether these trailblazing women were consciously aware or not, at some level they knew they needed to fit in. For them to be perceived as promotable they needed to appear similar to the men who could promote them.

Everyone naturally builds rapport with those whom they trust. The trick is to become aware of how you do this and to use these natural skills with people with whom you don't have rapport. Here are three ways in which you instinctively build rapport:

• Cultural: "When in Rome do as the Romans.” For example, at an elegant dinner where multiple forks, spoons and knives are set, if uncertain about which utensil to use wouldn't you model those around you who seem to know?
• Verbal: match language patterns and conversational content. You can model another person's rate of speech, voice tone, etc. You can also shape your vocabulary to match the other person’s visual, auditory or kinesthetic language use. However this takes a lot of practice.
• Behavioral synchronization is the easiest rapport building skill where you "mirror" another’s body language.

Let's combine the advice from the past weeks on handling difficult people with the rapport building skills using the example of an aggressive boss. (I won’t use a customer example because interactions with customers are governed by different rules). If your reaction is one of intimidation your boss will see a green light to overpower you. The advice I wrote about for dealing with this kind of difficult person was to:.

• Let him vent, then paraphrase him
• Get his attention by standing up, sitting down or using his name
• Use direct eye contact
• Present yourself assertively and refuse to argue
Let's say you do all these things to no avail. So study how much you and he are or aren’t mirroring each other. To get better results you'll need to look and act more like he does; which may be the last thing you want to do. But there are little things you can mirror. If he speaks loudly and rapidly you'll need to speak more like that than you might normally. If he invades your space and you back down you’re being different. Don't necessarily invade his space but at least stand your ground. If your boss uses few gestures when he speaks then mirror this.

Just for the fun of it, study how you already build rapport with people whom you trust. Also notice those you're uncomfortable with and how you aren’t mirroring them. Then select somebody with whom you'd like to have more rapport. Study how others mirror that person. Make note of what you could do to be more similar to that person. When comfortable begin to mirror him. If you do it in a natural way you'll find that the distance begins to close and trust begins to build.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Professional Coach in Lee County. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.