Manage kids’ extracurricular activities to lower family stress
Stress for Success
August 28, 2012

Remember when after-school activities were typically neighborhood kids playing whichever game with no adult supervision until their mothers called them for dinner?

Today it’s different: kids are enrolled in any and all classes they – or you the parent – have an interest in to provide those sweet darlings with skill building activities. Since most are after school, everyone hits the race-track to fit everything in.

Extracurricular activities are great as long as they don’t turn from an enjoyable challenge to stress. So limit activities, even if that means just one activity per season.

Extracurricular activities certainly benefit children. They:
• Build self-esteem;

• Help kids make new friends;

• Teach them how to be team players;

• Improve school performance;

• And importantly, keep kids from becoming inactive TV watchers and video game players, packing on the pounds as the sedentary years march by;

Consider these ideas to create a healthy lineup of activities for your kids, which will also help avoid burnout for all. Since you’re the parent and in charge (you are in charge, right?) make sure their schedule works for you, too.

1. Help your kids prioritize and choose activities that match their interests versus doing anything that looks exciting. Mostly, let them choose their own activities since pressuring them into something YOU’RE interested in may create tension.

Your answers to these questions can help decide which activities to sign up for. Is the activity:
• Meaningful? Would it be beneficial to your child now or later?

• Interesting to your child?

• Within your time and resources?

• Located in an area that fits your schedule?

2. Insist on one family day per week with no outside activities to build family time and to avoid burnout.


3. Start slow with new activities and encourage personal responsibility in choosing what to do. Instead of automatically buying the best equipment for a new endeavor simply because your son’s interested in the activity, require that he commit to a full class or season before upgrading the equipment. Have him demonstrate he’ll stick with it. This also keeps him from irresponsibly jumping in and out of activities willy-nilly.

4. Reduce commute time by choosing classes close by when possible, arranging carpooling where possible and running errands in that part of town when you drive.

5. Keep all kids’ commitments on a family calendar posted where all can see. List who’s doing what, where, when and how they’re getting there.

6. Look for signs of boredom and stress: does he procrastinate on practicing or even attending? Does he worry excessively about it? Find out why. Speak with his instructor to gain additional insight into the worth of the activity for him.

7. Adapt involvements as your children mature to accommodate increased commitments elsewhere.

Kids, like adults, can’t do it all; that’s why prioritizing is important. And never underestimate the importance of kids playing with kids with no supervision. It offers skills supervised activities don’t. And, not every moment of their “free time” needs to be scheduled.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Hotheads often blow up because of unrealistic expectations
Stress for Success
August 14, 2012

A supervisor I had during college was a good guy but had the temperament of an angry 4-year-old. He pitched fits at the drop of a hat. Shortly after yelling at someone he’d act normally toward her oblivious to her seething.

This is typical of many hotheads. Minutes after they explode they’re fine again wondering why you’re still upset.

Another commonality is that some chronically angry people are unassertive, building up reservoirs of frustration and anger to be dumped onto someone who triggers their temper. Then, watch out!

If you’re chronically angry and would like to reduce your risk of cardiovascular disease, not to mention improve your relationships, here are three steps to better manage your temper.

First, become much more consciously aware that you’re uncomfortable with your temper. This is required to motivate you to do the hard work of change.

A married couple developed a tiresome dance of anger over their 25-year relationship. She’s a smothering-mothering-type wife who continually tells her husband what to do, which is met by his angry outbursts. They’re very uncomfortable to be around.

Recently he became more conscious of his angry reactions. He learned, after yelling at her, to back his way out of his attack. This growing awareness gave him more power to change future angry reactions.

To increase awareness, become an observer of yourself. Notice when your blood pressure shoots up in anger and notice others’ reactions to your outbursts. You don’t need to change anything yet. Just observe. The more conscious you become the easier it will be to ultimately change your behavior.

Second, determine if your expectations in the situation are realistic. Anger is often triggered by unmet expectations. Those with hair-trigger tempers usually have very unrealistic expectations.

The husband above expects his wife to stop mothering and smothering. She’s in her 60s; do you think she’s going to change? Why does he continue to expect something different? He increases his stress by continuing to expect something beyond his control.

Finally, always bring the solution for a given stressor back to yourself. Restate what you want in a way that’s within your control to get. Instead of hoping she’ll change, he needs to develop a goal that’s within his control like accepting her as she is and being more assertive with her. This implies his options include:

• Breaking his angry retaliation habit;

o Looking for humor in their interaction style could help;
• Asserting himself with her vs. yelling at her, requesting she not mother him;
• Divorcing her if her smothering is a divorceable issue;

All your emotions are your responsibility to manage. As long as you blame outside forces (people or situations) for your feelings and reactions, you’ll never be in charge emotionally. You’ll also lack the ability to change your ineffectual ways; a very powerless and stressful way to live.

Increasing awareness of your anger and adjusting your expectations also help you see additional options for handling your difficult situations, improving your heart health along the way.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Be perfect on most important tasks only

Stress for Success

July 24, 2012

Why do some people need to have life be perfect? What are they afraid might happen if it isn’t? That they’ll be perceived as imperfect themselves? Why is that so bad?


Whatever drives an individual perfectionist, there’s help to overcome this stressful and fruitless tendency.


The most important lessons I learned in minimizing my own perfectionism was from my still favorite time management book, “How to Put More Time into Your Life” by Dr. Dru Scott (1980). She points the finger of blame for mismanaging time at personality traits, including perfectionism.


Dr. Scott encourages you to keep a time log at work and at home for one week. Every 15 - 30 minutes jot down what you just did: for example, you had a conference call for 30 minutes. List the meeting time – 8:30 – 9:00 - and brief notes about with whom you met and about what.


Scott then presents three categories into which everything you do can be divided:

• Central: The most important things you do leading most directly toward your top personal and professional goals. Her advice for these is to set aside the best time of your day with the fewest interruptions to focus on them. Include healthy self-care activities here, which is central to accomplishing everything else in your life.

• Secondary: The activities you must do, like bill paying, but they don’t lead you toward important goals. Schedule a specific time to do these tasks, like switch paying bills when they come in to paying them every Saturday morning.

• Marginal: The nit-picky details that don’t contribute to your important priorities, like chitchatting at work or house cleaning. Do marginal things only when you have nothing more important to do.


For many perfectionists, self-care doesn’t appear in any category. “I don’t have time,” is their complaint. Make it a priority and schedule time for it by putting marginal tasks where they belong: at the bottom of your list.


Categorize everything on your completed time log as central, secondary or marginal. (You can do this only by knowing your top goals and priorities.)


You’ll likely notice you spend an inordinate amount of time on marginal and secondary tasks. Lots of perfectionism falls into these categories. With increased awareness of Scott’s categories you can catch yourself investing too much energy into unimportant project details proving that you have more time than you thought. Reinvest that energy into more important tasks freeing up your time.
From my time log, I was shocked by how much time I spent on secondary and marginal tasks. This awareness (the first step to any change) motivated me to decrease my perfectionism on lower priority items and allowed it free reign on central tasks.

Whether a perfectionist or not, I challenge you to keep a time log for one week. If you’re expending more time on unimportant things to the detriment of higher priorities, realign your time investments. At least be imperfect on lesser tasks thereby reducing some stress that perfectionism creates.


Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Life still goes on without perfectionism
Stress for Success

July 17, 2012



You’re racing out the door on your way to work and out of the corner of your eye you notice a throw rug is turned up. What would you do: rush back to make it right or ignore it?


Or when you look in the mirror, do you see mostly what’s wrong with your appearance versus what’s right?


How do you think perfectionists would answer?


Take it from a recovering perfectionist, life really does go on when you let go of some of your too-high expectations of yourself and others. Plus, more realistic expectations lead to lower stress.


Women more than men, have been socialized to be perfect: perfectly nice and polite (I exaggerate only a little), to NEVER hurt anyone’s feelings, and to always be clean and smell good (this goes for their homes as well). And women are not to lose their tempers; it’s very unladylike.


I’ve known many a male perfectionist in my day but far more women.


Part of the problem for any perfectionist, male or female, is that we judge others by our own impossible standards. Who can live up to them? Because so few do we can become very judgmental of those who don’t, which creates more conflict.


Here’s a perfect (forgive the pun) definition of a perfectionist: “One who takes great pains and gives them to others.” (Source unknown) Ask anyone who works for or lives with a perfectionist. They appreciate this definition.


When you’re a perfectionist, you have multitudes of unmet expectations daily; therefore you compound normal every-day stress unnecessarily.


To decrease your perfectionist expectations of others start with this rule (be careful how you read this):


• “I won’t should on you if you won’t should on me.” (Source unknown)


When someone disappoints you, listen for the “shoulds” in your assessment of what’s wrong. For example, your boss didn’t give you any positive feedback on your recent project when everyone else told you how great it was. You heard yourself think or say to others, “I don’t understand bosses who give no positive feedback. I always compliment my employees.” The implied “should,” “She should give positive feedback.”


No doubt a boss “should” praise employees’ good work. But has she in the past? If not, what leads you to expect her to do so now? The stress is that in your perfectionist (and judgmental) eyes, it’s realistic to expect she’ll change. When she doesn’t (again) you’re stressed all over.


Can you also see the judgment of the boss is based on your own shoulds? “I always compliment my employees so other bosses should, too.” When you hold others to your own perfectionist standards you not only set yourself up for disappointment and stress, you also put yourself into the being the judge and jury of what is good. “Who died and left you in charge”, others whom you judge may wonder.


Stop shoulding on yourself and others. The degree to which you are successful will be the degree to which you’ll lower your stress.


Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Stress reduction themes from 408 articles
Stress for Success

July 3, 2012

This is my 408th article since November, 2003! Over the years there have multiple themes that keep reappearing. This week, I’m, highlighting four of these as a reminder of some of the most important lessons in managing stress.


First and foremost is the stress truism: stress is in the mind of the beholder. The bulk of your stress comes from how you perceive or interpret situations. Just look at drivers: some explode with road rage over the same situation that others just roll their eyes over. So stop blaming the situation or person you assume is causing your stress.


Hurling strong, negative labels at the others, like you’re stupid, rude, lazy, etc., means your perception is more of your stress than the event itself. The more strongly emotionally hooked you are, the more the stress is coming from yourself.


This is difficult to accept when you’re convinced, for example, your unfair boss is making your life miserable. But listen to what you think and say about her; the more negative your labels, the more your stress is coming from you. Your negative labels also mean you’re taking the situation personally. And this is where your stress reduction work can be accomplished. Instead of blaming the person, substitute your negative assumptions with asking, “What are my options?”


This leads to the second lesson: stop fussing and stewing over what’s beyond your control and problem-solve on what’s within your control. That ignorant moron of a driver is absolutely beyond your control. So is your unfair boss. The only thing within your control is how you choose to react. Blowing a gasket at them means you choose stress. Identifying options of how to deal differently with them means you choose stress management.


Choosing to react differently requires the third important theme: you must live consciously. When you automatically negatively judge others, you’re probably doing it unconsciously. You get emotionally hooked and Boom! Out comes your wrath. To become conscious you must observe yourself negatively labeling the other. Don’t change anything yet, just watch. Notice you’re pounding on the steering wheel at the ignorant moron of a driver. Notice you just labeled him an ignorant moron. Also observe that you’re yelling at him. Now, turn inward and become aware of your increased heart rate and faster breathing, both signs you’ve triggered your fight/flight response ordering the release of stress hormones to course through your system. Is the ignorant moron worth putting your health at risk? I hope not.


This leads to the fourth important point: every time you’re stressed by anything, little to huge, you release stress hormones into your body. You can tolerate a lot of this for a long time. But if it’s excessive and it lasts month after month, if not year after year, you’re doing unseen damage to your physical and emotional self and one day your physical roof caves in.


There are more themes but my 500 word limit is here. Thanks for reading my column over the years.


Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Conscious living is required in brain training techniques

Stress for Success

June 26, 2012

Thanks for indulging me while I’ve raved over recent weeks about the fascinating book, “Buddha’s Brain,” by Rick Hanson, PH.D and contributing author, Richard Mendius, MD (past articles at http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com). Their brain re-wiring techniques give hope that we can all create greater emotional, thus behavioral, balance and control for ourselves.


Now it’s time to understand the importance of living consciously, or their skills won’t work.


The authors present their four stages of learning.


1. Unconscious incompetence: e.g., you reacted defensively (impatient or irritated, etc.) in a situation but weren’t aware of it;


2. Conscious incompetence: you reacted defensively and knew it;


3. Conscious competence: you could have reacted defensively, but chose not to;


4. Unconscious competence: your historic defensive reaction didn’t come up in the situation in which you’ve practiced re-wiring your brain. Your preferred way of reacting gradually becomes automatic;


To make desired changes you must “choose” more appropriate responses - consciously. You must be aware of:

• Your undesirable reaction;

• The discomfort it causes you;



For example, you want to stop over-eating to lose ten pounds by August 1. To succeed you must first become consciously aware of when you’re overeating, what you’re overeating, what triggers you to overeat, and the distress this causes you. Once consciously aware of these things, you’ve arrived at stage two above. To graduate to stage 3 you must consciously choose to not over-eat. Eventually, this conscious decision-making becomes unconscious, and you’ve arrived at stage 4.


Use brain training skills to help reach your goal. Start with this technique.
• You’re beginning to become consciously aware when you overeat. Now, identify the emotion you feel when you’re compelled to gorge, e.g., sadness.

• When you’re upset (e.g., sad) find a quiet setting and rate your level of upset from 1 (mild) to 10 (severe);

• Let go of what triggered the upset (it’s probably unconscious so you may not know what to let go of; continue anyway);

• In its place, imagine anything you find pleasant like a vacation spot or a fond relationship memory. Imagine this in detail for five minutes. Be specific with who, what and where.

• Rate your upset again from 1 – 10.


If you’re less upset it proves that imagining pleasant things alters your inner emotional landscape. Is it enough to deter you from over-eating? If not, keep practicing this technique. Invent a different pleasant memory. Spend more minutes imagining it more deeply until it works.


To facilitate brain training, also relax your body:
• Relax your jaws, eyes, tongue;

• Feel the tension draining away from your body and into the earth;

• Run warm water over your hands;

• Touch your lips;

• Breathe in and exhale to equal counts;

• Scan your body for tension and consciously release it;



I’d love to write 100 more articles on this book. Since that’s unreasonable, go out and buy it. It’s an easy read for non-scientists.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

More brain training techniques to calm emotions
Stress for Success

June 19, 2012

Emotions can bugger things up, can’t they? Accepting that most are triggered by “childhood hangovers,” and have less to do with your present situation than you assume, allows you to practice modern science techniques to train your brain to react differently.


In recent weeks I’ve shared ideas from “Buddha’s Brain,” by Rick Hanson, PH.D (past articles at http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com.) Here are additional ideas to put you more in charge of your emotional life.


Accept these emotional truisms:


1. Automatic emotional reactions to stressors come from the primitive part of your brain. To minimize them you must re-wire your brain, requiring on-going practice.
2. No one else can make you feel any emotion. You choose, albeit often unconsciously, how to respond largely based on how your brain was wired early on and your ongoing beliefs.


For example, you respond to a co-worker with impatience, but why? Your answer indicates the belief that drives your emotional reaction. “I’m impatient because she’s an incompetent moron!” But her behavior doesn’t upset you. It’s your “moron” label that triggers your emotions.


To change your emotions change your answer to “why?” by using Alternative Explanations. What else could explain her behavior: she’s not trained well enough or she’s dealing with a huge stressor and isn’t thinking clearly. Identify at least three alternative explanations, which don’t have to be accurate, and notice how each influences your emotions. This proves that her actions don’t cause your upset. Your story explaining why she acted as she did does.


Here’s another technique to change your emotional reaction (e.g., impatience) to how you’d prefer to respond (e.g., with patience). Recall for several minutes an experience from your life when you were very patient. How did your body feel? Imagine this when you’re feeling impatient and notice your annoyance diminish and gradually move patience to the forefront of your mind and impatience to the background.


A variation on this skill is to imagine the same impatient situation but respond with another emotion, like sadness. The point again is to prove what you focus on changes your inner emotional landscape.


Calming yourself is always helpful. Create distance between yourself and your difficult emotions by practicing equanimity. This doesn’t mean being apathetic or indifferent but rather being engaged just not troubled. Imagine the contents of your brain coming and going in a vast open space and accept:


• Feelings are just feelings;

• People are just being people;

• Thoughts are just thoughts;

• Boundless space surrounds them, dwarfing them;


Increasing equanimity helps engage your brain’s anterior cingulate cortex, which:
• Integrates your thoughts and feelings;

• Gathers information for problem-solving;

• Is the primary over-seer of your intentions, guiding your intentions and your actions;

So, in situations that trigger unwelcome emotions, consciously state your positive intent repeatedly. Before you’re with the person who triggers your impatience say to yourself, “I’m patient with her and listening to her.”


Brain training becomes easier the more you practice it. Gradually, those in-your-face emotions won’t surface so immediately.


Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Daily brain training can moderate moods
Stress for Success
May 29, 2012

Brain training based on current brain research can help diminish what haunts you mentally and cultivate better moods.
According to the authors of “Buddha’s Brain” Drs. Hanson & Mendius, to make progress on this, you must let go of regretting what has already happened and worrying about what the future may hold. Both the past and the future are beyond your control. All you can do is deal with is your present reality.
Evolving brain research, as covered in their excellent book, offers suggestions on how to shape your present reality to influence your future in a variety of ways. For instance, if you’re trying desperately to stop a defensive reaction to someone who hooks you emotionally, when you’re with this person take a very deep, slow breath and exhale more than you just inhaled. This breathing style triggers the relaxation response (the calming parasympathetic nervous system). It allows you to “choose” a more appropriate and hopefully calmer response. Doing this won’t guarantee you’ll actually change your defensive reaction but it facilitates the change if you want to make it badly enough.
Or when you relive an upsetting experience, like doing poorly in an interview, make yourself recall the feeling of an experience when you were very competent, impressive and successful. Relive the positive experience for several minutes. Allow the image to sink into every part of your mind and body. This gradually permeates the upsetting memory with a positive feeling.
Another small strategy done often that can gradually lead you to better mental states is to deliberately extend feelings of happiness. This increases the level of the neurotransmitter dopamine, which helps your attention stay focused.
The book’s authors tell us that doing little things like this throughout your days, month after month, changes your brain “from the inside out.” They caution that to be successful with the techniques you have to be kind to yourself and forgiving of whatever created in you the emotional states that now inhibit your happiness. You must simply accept that your only influence is in the here and now. Any blaming, complaining, worrying, or regretting what made you the way you are will only reinforce the moods you want to change, making them more difficult to alter.
The authors also say the major roadblocks your mind (your brain) constructs to inhibit change are usually ones that involve some kind of suffering. After all, it is only we humans who worry about the future, regret the past, and blame ourselves for the present. We become frustrated when we don’t get what we want and disappointed when others don’t behave as we wish they would. We become angry with other drivers on the highway, sad about seeing the same person in the mirror every morning.
But Drs. Hanson & Mendius share some very good news: since this anguish is constructed by the brain, the brain can also create other mental states like contentment. I’ll share more of their ideas next week
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Knowledge of the brain helps balance your moods
Stress for Success

May 22, 2012



Moods are tricky things. Some come and go quickly, causing no real distress, but others are more obstinate. Some can be overwhelming causing depression or other uncomfortable mental states. But a better understanding of the brain and how it works can help you avoid emotions’ ¬¬¬¬¬¬all-consuming potential.



A fascinating book, “Buddha’s Brain” by Drs. Hanson & Mendius, explains some of the complexities of the brain. Their Foreword states, “Buddha’s Brain is an invitation to use the focus of your mind to harness the power of attention to enhance your life and your relationships … Synthesizing ancient insights from contemplative practice … with modern discoveries from … neuroscience, (the authors) have assembled a thought-provoking and practical guide that walks you step-by-step through awakening your mind.”


They start with some basic facts about the brain, including:

• It’s organ tissue weighing approximately 3 pounds with 1.1 trillion cells, including 100 billion neurons, each receiving about 5,000 connections or synapses from other neurons.

• Neurons communicate with each other. When a neuron fires, it sends signals to other neurons through its transmitting synapses telling them to fire or not.

• Typical neurons fire 5 – 50 times a second.

• Neural signals contain bits of information, which are mostly outside your awareness. Your nervous system moves this information around like your heart moves blood. These signals regulate everything from your stress response to remembering how to ride a bike to your personality tendencies.

• Your brain’s the primary mover and shaper of your mind. Even though it’s only 2% of your body’s weight it uses 20 – 25% of its oxygen and glucose. This should suggest you need to be more aware of what you eat knowing your diet also fuels your brain.

• The brain works as a whole system. Attributing a function, like attention or emotion, to just one part of the brain is usually an oversimplification.

The authors compare your very busy brain to a refrigerator: always humming away, performing its functions.

Scientists have learned more about the brain over recent decades than was learned in all of recorded history. The great news is much of what they’re discovering can teach us how to activate brain states that underlie healthy mental states, allowing you to influence your own mind and mood.


The authors begin to describe how by explaining three fundamental functions of the brain:


1. Regulation: Your brain regulates itself and its bodily systems through a combination of excitatory and inhibitory activity: green lights and red lights.

2. Learning: It learns through forming new circuits and strengthening or weakening existing ones.

3. Selection: It selects whatever experience has taught it to value. They point out, even an earthworm can be trained to pick a particular path to avoid electric shock.
 These functions operate at all levels of the nervous system and are involved in any important mental activity. Next week I’ll share more of the authors’ insights into the brain and how to use this information to facilitate healthier mental states and less stress.
 Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.






Accept Mother Nature’s survival emotions as normal
Stress for Success
May 15, 2012



Anger and fear have been called Mother Nature’s survival emotions because they prepare you to deal with threats by triggering your automatic, physical fight/flight response. This is partially accomplished by your amygdala, your brain’s fear center, which serves as your guard dog always keeping watch over your environment to spot possible threats. Just as a guard dog attacks first and asks questions later, sometimes your emotional reaction is an over-reaction and emotions run wild in your brain like an emotional pin-ball game.

Anger and fear are the umbrella emotions under which you’ll also find jealousy, aggravation, impatience, greed, etc. When you experience any of these emotions it means you perceive something as stressful. You perceive rightly or wrongly that you have insufficient control in the situation that has your attention.

If you don’t know when you’re stressed, use the presence of any of these emotions to increase awareness that you are. Immediately search for options in dealing with the situation since options equal a greater sense of control, which lowers stress.

Without these emotions, you’d be at a distinct disadvantage protecting yourself from life-threatening or typical run-of-the-mill stress. One purpose they serve is to focus your mind. The moment you notice stress your unconscious mind automatically narrows your attention to what’s truly important regarding the taxing situation. So if approached by a menacing person your unconscious brain automatically, actively searches for your options.

Fear also triggers the release of norepinephrine, the brain’s adrenaline, which makes your mind more alert when attention is important. This hormonal burst also stimulates the brain’s hippocampus, an important center for memory formation. This reaction, as all others, is for survival. If you encounter a life-threatening situation that is the same or similar to one you’ve experienced before, you’ll want to remember what happened the first time to help you deal with it this time.

Applied to a non-life-threatening situation like public speaking, if you experience a shaky voice or light-headedness know that it’s caused by the fight/flight response, which prepares you to physically fight or run away. Attractive options as they seem, you’re unlikely to punch someone or run away from your presentation. Rather, you slam on the brakes of this energy turning it into that shaky voice or queasy stomach.
 Earlier in my career when I experienced too much stress before a presentation, I’d pace the halls of the venue at which I was speaking, working off its physical energy. I’d also deep breathe focusing on exhaling to more counts than inhaled.

But many “performers” have learned that nervousness (fear) is a good thing if harnessed. A healthy amount of fear helps you focus like a laser beam on your stress-producing activity.
 On the other hand, any time you’re too relaxed you may lose focus as your mind wanders leading to a less-than-stellar performance.

Accept your stress emotions as perfectly normal. In truly life-threatening situations they increase your ability to survive. Trust them. In less dire situations they help you function more effectively with greater focus.


Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.














Fear is your friend
Stress for Success
May 8, 2012

Human brains and bodies are miracles. We all have great potential but usually don’t unleash it until “it’s unlocked by fear,” according to Jeff Wise, author of “Extreme Fear.”


Fear is typically an uncomfortable emotion to be avoided, but it’s a vital survival emotion intended to protect us. Since our ancient ancestors lived with potential perils on a daily basis nature provided them with a danger-response system that was automatic, swift and powerful to defend against attacking saber-toothed tigers.


Today we have the same system. It constantly monitors our surroundings routing sensory information into two paths, Wise says. One goes to the consciousness, where we observe and remember the sensory information. The other goes to the subconscious amygdala, which filters it for signs of danger. When danger is sensed, the amygdala triggers the automatic stress response so quickly we may react before we’re consciously aware there’s even a problem. It takes the conscious mind about half-a-second to perceive an outside event. The amygdala can respond in much less time: it receives signals from the ears and eyes in just twelve-thousandths of a second according to New York University neuroscientist Joseph LeDoux.


The amygdala’s triggering of the fight/flight response is what gives us the physical energy and strength required to fight or flee if the danger is imminent. If the threat is more remote the reaction may be to freeze. Once the threat is consciously considered you may thwart the amygdala’s automatic response: freezing at the sight of a snake on the hiking trail then relaxing when you get closer and see it’s only a stick.


The greater the threat, the greater your potential energy reserves, like the family who during Hurricane Charley fled the master closer to the other side of the house when the roof over the closet began to separate. Their fight/flight responses enhanced their physical and mental ability to escape to safety.


The amount of strength available to you must be limited, however, to avoid injury. If the situation is life-threatening risking injury may be worth it and your strength limit may increase. When facing physical peril your danger-response system prepares you to punch your attacker with a greater wallop but the stories of a mother lifting a car off of her child are exaggerated. A 100 pound person under great stress may lift 135 pounds but not a 3,000 pound car, according to Penn State kinesiologist Vladimir Zatsiorsky.


The fear response facilitates self-protection by also deadening pain. Under heightened stress the brain releases powerful analgesics whose painkilling effects can override significant pain. This capacity, however, can cause problems after the threat has been dealt with by causing injury to your body.


So, look at fear not as a negative emotion to be avoided but as a self-protective response. What do you sense you need protection from? That’s the issue that needs to be addressed and solved to soothe your fear. Let your fear motivate you to problem-solve whatever is stressing you rather than avoid it.


Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.






 

How we manage stress is passed on in families
Stress for Success
April 17, 2012


What causes most depression: genetics or experiences?

A hint to the answer comes from the comparisons of depression and schizophrenia rates worldwide. Schizophrenia is found in approximately 1% of the population no matter the culture. Depression varies dramatically culture to culture suggesting it could be contagious.

Consider the following and see if you think depression is spreading:
· The World Health Organization says depression is the fourth leading cause of human disability and projects by 2020 it’ll take over second place.
· The average onset of depression is the mid-20s. It used to be the mid-30s.
· According to clinical psychologist Michael Yapko, long-term studies show depression intensifying one generation to the next, “Today’s parents are the largest depressed group raising the fastest-growing group of depression sufferers.”
· We’re four times more depressed than our parents; ten times more so than our grandparents! And this is not due to greater awareness of the illness.

Since depressed people experience far more difficulty socially than do those not depressed, could they be spreading the illness? They have:
· More family and marital arguments;
· Less relationship satisfaction;
· Greater unhappiness;

Even though you can be genetically vulnerable to depression, the greater cause is learning, mostly from our families, how to manage what goes on inside our heads, including our:
· Explanatory style (the meaning we attach to life experiences);
· Cognitive style (thinking);
· Coping style (how we manage stress);
· Problem-solving style;
· Relational style;

Families model their thinking, feeling, and relating to others, passing on these patterns to other family members.

Yapko also reports a near-perfect correlation between parents’ explanatory style and their child’s. When your child asks you why something happened, your explanation represents your style of thinking including your belief of what caused it. “Why can’t I take tennis lessons, Mom?” “It’s a waste of money since you’ll never be coordinated.” Mom attributes the cause to the child’s clumsiness. And her permanently negative attribution communicates nothing will ever change.

Yapko says these routine interactions happen multiple times daily, imperceptibly shaping the child’s beliefs about himself and his world. They influence how he filters risk-taking, his own potential, whom he blames when things go wrong – and - his vulnerability to depression.

Additionally, the child who learns to make global assumptions that life events are beyond his control experiences greater helplessness and hopelessness, ingredients for depression. He’s more likely to perceive himself helpless about his happiness, competence and relationships.

Studies show these interpretation patterns are established early on. In one study, 8 year-old children were asked how they’d respond if shopping with their mother and suddenly finding themselves separated from her. The anxious children produced scary scenarios of never finding their parents and being adopted by strangers. The nonanxious kids said they’d ask the store manager to make a P-A announcement. Free of their peers’ anxiety, they’d think their way through to solving the problem.

Which patterns of perceiving are you teaching your kids?

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Music can soothe frazzled nerves
It can also reduce blood pressure, relieve pain.
Stress for Success
April 3, 2012


You’ve experienced how music can trigger your emotions taking you back in time to sweet – or bitter-sweet – memories. This is why listening to music that touches your soul can serve as a powerful stress reduction tool.

According to a variety of research published by eMedExpert.com 2011, music which appeals to you has many benefits. It:
· Can distract attention away from your stressors;
· Can increase your sense of control, which automatically reduces over-all stress;
· Is effective therapy for pain:
o Can reduce chronic pain from osteoarthritis, disc problems and rheumatoid arthritis by up to 21% and depression by up to 25% (UK Journal of Advanced Nursing, June, 2006.)
o Causes the body to release endorphins to counteract pain;
· Reduces blood pressure: People with high blood pressure can train themselves to lower their blood pressure and keep it low by playing relaxing music every morning and evening (Teng, et al., 2007.) Listening to just 30 minutes of classical, Celtic or raga (traditional south Asian) music daily can significantly reduce high blood pressure.
· Speeds Post-Stroke Recovery: Daily listening to your favorite pop melodies, classical music or jazz can speed recovery from debilitating strokes (Sarkamo, et al., Brain, March 2008.)
· Reduces intensity, frequency, and duration of chronic headaches and migraines (Oelkers, et al., April 12, 2008.)
· Motivates you to exercise and enhances athletic performance (Simpson and Karageorghis, Sports Science, Oct 2006.)
· Boosts immunity: Music that creates a positive and reflective emotional experience leads to the secretion of immune-boosting hormones (Kuhn, et al., Music Therapy, Spring, 2002.) Higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol decrease immune response; listening to or performing music can decrease it (le Roux, et al., Music Therapy, Summer, 2007.)
· Those who listen to classical and self-selected relaxing music after exposure to stressors significantly reduce their anxiety, anger - and very importantly for their health – their physiological stress arousal, and increase relaxation compared to those who sit silently or listen to heavy metal music (Labbe, et al, of the University of South Alabama.)
In other words, desirable music is healing for your well-being.

Any time you become more frenzied with life's demands, schedule time to do nothing but listen to music daily. Or play it in the background as you go about your business. It’s not a time waster, but rather a Stress Break, which takes you away from your pressures, allowing your body to balance the stress hormones we know cause physical and emotional havoc.


Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Let go of assumptions the other is the problem in conflicts
Stress for Success
March 20, 2012


When involved in a conflict, and you’re convinced the other person is wrong, might you also be partly wrong, too, without realizing it?

It’s near-universal in conflicts that we see the other as the cause of the problem. If they’d just change in some way the problem would be solved.

Is there something wrong with this?

Expecting others to change becomes a stressor in itself since you have no control over anyone but yourself. In hundreds of my programs over the years many women (mostly) have talked to me about their conflicts. In describing their disagreement their focus is almost completely on what the other person did, how wrong it is and what they should do to fix the problem. Virtually every woman was convinced she was right.

What they fail to realize is focusing their frustrated energy on anything beyond their control increases their stress. There’s no solution for them as long as they remain focused on the other person.

The first red flag indicating you’re more a part of the conflict than you realize, is when thinking about and talking to others about your conflict you talk almost obsessively about what the other person is doing. Since you’ll find no solutions in this approach, always ask yourself instead, “What are my options in responding to this person,” which is within your control.

Additionally, whoever wants a different outcome in a situation is the person who must change their approach versus expecting the other person to change. The person you’re frustrated with may have no idea you’re upset. They merrily go through their day as you seethe. And stew.

Another important red flag that you’re more part of the problem than you realize is in assuming the other person is at fault and you negatively label what they’re doing as unfair, ignorant, lazy, arrogant, oblivious, etc. These negative judgments - negative adjectives - are opinions, not facts, convinced as you probably are that you’re being accurate.

To reduce your own complicity in conflicts, become consciously aware when you negatively label another person. Listen for your negative adjectives in describing them. Each time you hear yourself think or utter negative adjectives, force yourself to identify the other’s behavior that triggered your negative judgment. Simplifying it this way allows you to determine if their behavior is worth your energy to assertively confront.

My favorite example comes from a workshop attendee. She described her arrogant (negative judgment/adjective) colleague. The only arrogant behavior she could identify was his habit of raising an eyebrow occasionally when she gave ideas. She decided this was not worthy of her upset. Had she decided it was worth her energy, she could speak to him about his tendency to raise an eyebrow (behavior) and her interpretation of its meaning but say nothing about her judgment (arrogant) of it.

Insisting on focusing on how wrong the other person is keeps you stuck. Focusing on their “negative” behavior allows new options of how to respond to open up to you, reducing your stress.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Personal responsibility is a must for kids managing stress
Stress for Success
February 28, 2012


Recently I’ve written about creating a Stress Safety Net (SSN) for your kids so they can feel safe, secure and loved (previous articles at http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com.) This builds a foundation from which they can better handle life’s ups and downs. The final component of the SSN is personal responsibility; responsible adults learned accountability in childhood.

To teach this important trait, expect each child to do their share of household chores as a responsibility of living in your family. I started dusting in areas where I could do no damage at age four establishing this requirement that I had household responsibilities, as did everyone else.

Do your kids have regular chores? Do you pay them for it? If so, what does that imply: that any contribution to the family should be compensated? if they don’t want the money they can stop doing the chore?

Consider giving an allowance that’s separate from chores to communicate household work is a responsibility, not a paid job.

To divide household chores, teach responsibility AND reduce arguing, call for a voluntary family meeting. Since it’s voluntary, you may be the only person to show up. Whoever shows up, follow these four steps to divide chores.
1. Brainstorm the following four categories:
a. Tasks that must be done, e.g., pay the bills, and jobs you want done, e.g., vacuuming.
b. Agree on how well each job is to be done. Parents usually have to lower their standards while kids raise theirs. Compromise.
c. Agree by when each chore is to be done, like the dishes are done before bedtime daily.
d. Who will do each chore? Let everyone volunteer for jobs. Divide all the refused chores equitably. If parents are the only ones to show up for the meeting select only your share of tasks and do them and nothing else. If neither of you chose laundry, don’t do it no matter how vociferously your kids complain about not having clean clothes.
2. Color code agreed-upon jobs to each family member on a chart and attach to the refrigerator. This serves as a constant, unconscious reminder of which responsibilities whoever opens the refrigerator committed to do.
3. Agree to another meeting in one to two weeks to discuss how it’s going. During the intervening week or two, do only what you said you’d do, how well, and by when. Also, don’t remind anyone of their agreement. You can compliment someone’s work but no correcting, micro-managing or criticizing it.
4. During the next meeting, review how things went and describe any problems you noticed. Ask for suggestions for improvement. Post any changes to the agreement. Repeat this process until all jobs are being done responsibly and well enough. Decide how often to re-negotiate.

Obviously, if your daughter agreed to feed the dog and isn’t doing it, you’ll need to intervene. But don’t nag or do the job yourself. Tell her since she chooses not to feed the dog you will. However, in response you choose to not do one of your jobs for her.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her audio program Teaching Kids how to Manage Stress and her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Teach your children how to problem-solve
Stress for Success
February 21, 2012


Here’s a stress truism: having no options raises stress; identifying options reduces it. So rather than telling your kids how to handle their stressors teach them how to problem-solve, the fifth component of my Stress Safety Net.

The number one problem-solving skill is asking questions, which usually leads to more questions and eventually to answers and solutions. Teach your children to question their stressors and gradually they’ll learn to identify options themselves.

But many parents respond to their kids’ problems in one of three unproductive ways. Which is your most likely response to your child saying, e.g., she won’t get into the college she wants?
1. Say why she has the problem: “That’s because you don’t study enough.”
2. Immediately offer options: “Apply to more schools.”
3. Solve the problem: “Don’t worry. We’ll get you into that school.”

Instead, teach your kids how to think and problem-solve by teaching them these five steps:
1. Have him describe his problem while you lovingly, supportively, and nonjudgmentally listen – versus interrogate. It’s OK to see the problem differently than he. How he sees it is all that matters for now. If he gets stuck describing his problem, ask the journalist’s questions to explore his perception: who, what, when, where, why.
2. Develop empathy: ask how he felt when his problem occurred. Ask how others involved felt (especially with younger kids who aren’t emotionally sophisticated and with any distraught child.)
3. Brainstorm options: kids often give ideas that are basically the same without going beyond the obvious. For example, a young child may say options in making up with a friend are:
· “Say I’m sorry.”
· “Say I feel bad.”
· “Say I feel sad.”
Encourage him to come up with a variety of different answers.
4. Consequences: For each option have him identify the possible positive and negative consequences.
5. Choose the best option: based on the consequences encourage him to choose the option that best solves his problem.

Let’s use the example of your teenager procrastinating on homework. Invite him to go through these steps to avoid this happening again.

Parent: “What’s going on with your science project?”
Son: “It’s so juvenile.”
Parent: “Too easy, huh?” (Paraphrase)
Son: “Yeah. Mrs. Thompson thinks we’re morons.”
Parent: “So you procrastinate because it’s too easy.” (Paraphrase)
Son: “I guess so.”
Parent: “How do you feel when you procrastinate?”
Son: “Pressured.”
Parent: “How do you think I feel when you procrastinate and expect me to help you at the last minute?
Son: “Irritated?”
Parent: “You got it. What can you do to avoid procrastinating?”
Son: “Do it the first night and get it out of the way.”
Parent: “What else?”
Son: “Get it done during study halls.”

Keep asking, “What else” until he runs out of ideas. Then ask about the negative and
positive consequences of each and have him choose his best option.

Coming to his own conclusions is far better than telling him what to do because it teaches his problem-solving without having to resist you.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her audio program Teaching Kids how to Manage Stress and her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Children need hope and optimism to deal with stress
Pessimistic people get depressed much more often
Stress for Success
February 14, 2012


No matter how wonderful and stable a child’s life may seem, she still has stress: rejection by friends, difficulty with homework, dealing with a bully.
Your children need to know that when they experience these set-backs, life’s not over; tomorrow is another day.

Children need hope and optimism to be resilient to stress and to persist in dealing with life’s inevitable ups and downs. The more realistically optimistic your children, the better they’ll deal with stress – usually.

Optimism is the fourth component your children’s Stress Safety Net, which helps them feel safe, secure and loved. This gives them the foundation to better handle stress throughout their lives.

Dr. Martin Seligman, a highly respected researcher in the field of cognitive psychology, has found in more than 1,000 studies involving more than a half-million children and adults, pessimistic people do worse than optimistic people in three ways, they:
· Get depressed much more often;
· Achieve less at school, on the job and in sports;
· Their physical health is worse;

With today’s depression rate ten times that of the 1950s, anything that can fight depression is vitally important, which optimism does.

However, sometimes pessimism is the more appropriate response. When the consequences are high that an optimistic view is wrong, it’s better to go with a pessimistic perception. For example, an optimistic perception of cheating on a test would be, “I won’t get caught.” If the consequences of being caught are too great, then the pessimistic, “I’ll get caught,” is the better way to go.

To help your children become more optimistic teach them the connection between their thoughts, feelings and behavior; what they think about a stressor determines how they feel emotionally about it, which determines how they react to it. Teach them that all-or-nothing words like always, never, everyone, no one, are indicators they’re probably thinking pessimistically and adding unnecessary stress to difficult situations.

For example, your daughter’s very interested in the boy who’s approaching her in the hall. She’s thinking, “He’ll never notice me because I’m always so boring.” She feels anxious, worthless and pessimistic.

Teach her, however, that she’s not feeling these emotions because he ignores her but rather because of what she’s telling herself about this possibility. Teach her to change what she thinks in order to change how she feels and responds.

She could think more optimistically, “Here he comes. He hasn’t noticed me before but maybe I can engage him in conversation. He won’t notice me unless I assertive myself.”

Obviously, he still may have no interest but - and this is a huge but – she can limit the damage by spinning it more optimistically. Understanding she feels rotten because she tells herself rotten things about herself teaches her to change what she thinks to something like, “It’s his loss.”

Many adults never learn that their feelings are determined by what they say to themselves. They never learn to take charge of their thinking. Instead, give your kids the gift of optimism with this self-empowering and stress reducing understanding.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her audio program Teaching Kids how to Manage Stress and her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Teach your positive values to help your kids with their stress
Stress for Success
January 31, 2012


The world is full of stress and it’s your responsibility to teach your children how to handle it.

To help you create a relationship that encourages your children to be open to your advice, create a Stress Safety Net (SSN) for your kids so they can feel safe, secure and loved. In recent weeks, I’ve covered two of the six components of the SSN:
1. Parents as role models;
2. Unconditional love;
Today we’ll consider teaching your children your positive values.

A positive value is a belief that produces corresponding behaviors that serve both the practitioner and those on the receiving end of their value-guided behavior. So honesty is good for the honest person and for those around her.

Values define you. They serve as a road map in deciding how to handle situations and to live authentically. For example, you’ve taught your daughter to respect others, which includes not harassing anyone. When her friends bully another child your daughter doesn’t participate and may even tell her friends to stop. Conversely, going against a held value would create stress for your daughter.

If your kids don’t learn their values from you, from whom will they?

To teach your positive values, identify a stressful situation in which your child is involved. Which values would be help him handle the situation? If he’s deciding upon which college to attend would encouraging values like curiosity and open-mindedness be potentially helpful?

Next, teach your values through these five steps:
1. Role model the value yourself. The biggest teacher of your values is how you live your life. If you value privacy and get upset when your child walks into your room unannounced, how can he learn this value if you walk into his room unannounced?
2. State your value frequently. When appropriate explain your value, whether during a conversation or a TV show. My father often said in response to certain situations, “There’s nothing worse than a liar.” To this day honesty is one of my strongest values.
3. Praise your child when she abides by a value, especially in a tough situation like a friend pressuring her to cheat and she says “no.” Praise her courage (another value) for doing something unpopular.
4. Discuss positive and negative consequences of living and not living by certain values. Positive consequences of being curious might include learning more, making life more interesting and fun, having friends who are also curious. On the down side, too much curiosity might find you poking your nose where it doesn’t belong. Identifying both positive and negative consequences of a value helps define which limits might be wise to impose.
5. Be honest about your lapses living up to your own values. Like the father who admitted to his kids that he isn’t always completely honest with his own mother when she asks him if he’s busy. Minimize your kids’ cynicism by admitting and explaining your lapses.

Values serve as anchors in this stormy world. Give your children positive ones to navigate successfully.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her audio program Teaching Kids how to Manage Stress and her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Assure kids of your love and support
Stress for Success
January 24, 2012


To build your children’s Stress Safety Net (SSN) the second and most important component is your unconditional love: to love them without condition. It’s the thread that holds everything together.

Unconditional love doesn’t require you to always approve of their behavior; you love them in spite of it. You’re there for them, yet won’t necessarily rescue them from foolish behavior. You can apply consequences to their misbehavior, even punish them, and still love them.

Todd stood by his teenage son who repeatedly got into trouble with the law. Each time he received a call from the police, he’d go through the process without rescuing him and assuring him of his love while his son faced the consequences. Eventually, his son got involved in sports and slowly straightened himself out. He even thanked Todd for making him take responsibility for his own behavior while still supporting him.

Unconditional love requires connecting with your kids regularly, lovingly, playfully, and much more often than not, positively. This allows you to survive the normal, uncomfortable connections.

Keep in mind, if your kids don’t connect with you positively, they’ll connect with you negatively; chronic fighting and clinging are examples.

A young single mother of two small children felt drained most of the time working a full-time job and managing the home front all alone. When home she raced around trying to get everything done. Her kids clung to her making it even more difficult. Someone advised her to spend an uninterrupted weekend hour with both of her kids doing fun things together. Much to her amazement, after a couple of weeks, her kids quit clinging to her the rest of the week. They’d been starved for her full attention. Once they received it they felt more secure and loved.

With all kids these moments are to create a trusting relationship. With older kids they’re also to know what’s going on in their lives. Peer pressure can get them into situations they’re unable to handle well. You must keep your eyes open to what your kids, their friends, and other kids in their age group are doing.

Whatever your child’s age, these connections don’t have to be time consuming; most take just minutes. Like reading your child a story after school, watching TV together, sitting together while you both do your “homework,” or daily exchanging hugs and kisses in the car.

All kids, regardless of their ages and resistance, need these special moments. Nurture them.

Unconditional love also requires being nonjudgmental. Judgments feel like you’re putting a condition on your love. As parents you want to help your children do well admonishing, “Don’t be a slob chewing with your mouth open.” “You’re too lazy about school work.”

Instead of labeling your child lazy or a slob, describe the behavior you want to change. “Chew with your mouth closed, please,” or “Set aside two hours to do homework when you get home.” Your kids respond better when you deliver it this way.

Next week we’ll cover teaching your children your positive values.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her audio program Teaching Kids how to Manage Stress and her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

Parents role models for children’s behavior
Kids learn more from you, especially at earlier ages, than from any other source
Stress for Success
January 17, 2012


Teaching kids how to manage their stress is a gift that will pay them dividends for the rest of their lives.

First build them a Stress Safety Net (SSN) so they can feel safe, secure and loved. This creates a springboard from which they can launch into their challenges and opportunities. The first component of this SSN is “Parents as Role Models,” (adapted from my audio program, “Teaching Kids how to Manage Stress.”)

Parents are their children’s number one role models. Kids learn more from you, especially at earlier ages, than from any other source. What has your own stress management style taught your children, who learn from both your effective and ineffective strategies? How you communicate, manage your emotions and handle conflicts teach your children something.

To become conscious of what you’re teaching your kids, ask yourself, “Is how I’m handling this stressful situation how I want to teach my kids to handle similar situations?” If not, you need to learn to better handle it yourself. You cannot teach what you don’t understand, so learn and practice stress reduction skills for yourself. Your children will learn from your example.

An essential tool to improve what you model is to understand that the role you play with your children largely dictates their role in reaction to you. A change in your role almost always brings about a change in your child’s behavior. For example, if you constantly remind your kids to do their homework – the reminder role - they’ll react by taking on the role of forgetful or dutiful child perhaps. If you’re not happy with the forgetful role you may nag that child to remind her to do her homework. But your reminder role keeps her in her forgetful role!

The point? To get a different outcome with her change the role you’re playing: stop reminding. Identify and announce a different role that would encourage her to take more responsibility like the supportive role. Only step in to help her with homework when she asks. This new role requires you to stop reminding her. If she chooses to forget she’ll pay the consequences. She’ll probably blame you for her own forgetfulness but don’t get hooked by that. One day she’ll figure out that you truly have stopped reminding leaving her to remind herself.

In situations that your kids aren’t handling well figure out if the role you’re playing makes you part of the solution or part of the problem. If part of the problem, which other role could you play to encourage your kids to handle the situation more responsibly? If your child has been accused of stealing again and you normally play the protector role shielding them from consequences by denying their culpability, could you take on the investigator role instead and look for the facts before deciding how to handle it?

Understanding that the roles you play actually set the stage for your kids’ behavior opens up entirely new options in changing yourself in hopes of encouraging more responsible behavior from them.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her audio program Teaching Kids how to Manage Stress and her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.