Cortisol and weight gain ties debated
Stress for Success
October 17, 2006
We Americans, always looking for the quick fix for whatever ails us, want so badly for products such as Cortislim to get rid of excess weight. My advice --- don't hold your breath, at least not yet.
Here’s the theory of the connection between weight gain and cortisol released into your system from stress.
Stress hormones, including adrenaline, which gives you instant energy, along with corticotrophin releasing hormone (CRH) and cortisol, provide the biochemical energy you need to fight or flee your stressors. High levels of adrenaline and CRH decrease appetite at first and for a short time. Cortisol helps replenish your body after the stress has passed, and lasts longer.
The problem, according to Sean Talbot, Ph.D., associate professor with the University of Utah’s Department of Nutrition and the author of the "Cortisol Connection”, is that, "too often today’s response to stress is to sit and stew in our frustration and anger, without expending any of the calories that we would if we were physically fighting our way out of stress or danger (as our ancestors did)."
Your neuroendocrine system doesn't know that you’re not physically fighting or fleeing, so it still responds to stress with the hormonal signal to replenish nutritional stores making you feel hungry. This can lead to weight gain and a tendency to store "visceral fat" around the midsection.
To complicate matters, the "fuel" your muscles need during the fight/flight response is sugar, a reason you crave carbohydrates when stressed, says endocrinologist Ricardo Perfetti, M.D., Ph.D., of Cedars Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. "To move the sugar from our blood to our muscles requires insulin, the hormone that opens the gates to the cells and lets the sugar in," says Perfetti, who directs the outpatient diabetes program. And high levels of sugar and insulin set the stage for the body to store fat. "So people who are under stress, metabolically speaking, will gain weight for that very reason."
But according to Mayo Clinic dietitian, Jennifer Nelson, R. D., and physician Dr. Berge Kenneth, there is no reliable evidence that cortisol blockers such as CortiSlim, CortiStress, and Cortistat lead to weight loss. The manufacturers of these products tell you that stress creates high levels of cortisol in your system causing you to accumulate excess fat. Ms. Nelson says what they don't tell you is that this occurs only when your body produces large amounts of cortisol due to side effects of medication or an underlying medical condition like Cushing's syndrome. There's no evidence that the amount of cortisol produced by a healthy person under stress is enough to cause weight gain.
Others, like Dr. Caroline Cederquist, board certified family physician and bariatric physician (the medical specialty of weight management), the majority of whose patients have abdominal weight issues, believes our high stress lifestyles create cortisol-induced symptoms, including the abdominal weight gain. This can also lead to higher cholesterol and blood sugar levels and elevated blood pressure, all factors for heart disease.
The research on the role of cortisol in obesity is still speculative. Blaming your weight gain on stress neglects the fact that you may have developed a habit of eating in response to stress, which is a learned habit, encouraged by brain chemistry. Next week we’ll look at advice from the experts for how to deal with excess weight whether your urge to eat is driven by hormones or habits.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Limit cortisol in your body to protect your health
Stress for Success
We’ve known for over a decade that your run-of-the-mill acute stress is not what you need to worry about. You're incredibly resilient to life’s daily challenges. If you care about your health, however, you should be concerned with chronic stress.
Researchers define chronic stress as elevated stress for four to six months or longer. Common examples of people with chronic stress are those whose lives have been disrupted after a traumatic event like a hurricane, long-term caregivers, hot headed people, and those caught up in the runaway American lifestyle multitasking their way through each day getting entirely too little rest.
Chronic stress is a health concern due to the damage done to your body from the ongoing release of your fight/flight hormones, including cortisol. Remember that the fight/flight hormones were intended to protect our ancestors from physical harm giving them the energy to either physically fight or physically run away from wild animals or people. But our ancestors physically acted upon their fight/flight far more often than we do today in our incredibly sedentary lifestyle.
Today most of our stress is mental, not physical, requiring mental solutions not physical attacks or retreats. Today it's inappropriate to punch somebody out or run away from them so when your fight/flight response is triggered you have to slam on the brakes. Over time this energy takes its toll on you physically.
The trick, according to Duke University research, is to balance your stress with rest. Your rest habits strongly influence the negative consequences of your stress. Rest away from your stress could be time out to work on a hobby or literal rest like a nap. The more stressed you are, and the more you’re already paying a physical price for your stress, the more important to your health it is to schedule multiple stress breaks throughout every day. They can be seconds worth of deep breathing to a full eight hours of sleep.
Last week I mentioned three stress breaks that release or relax your fight/flight:
• Deep relaxation
• Physical exercise
• Deep breathing
Here are some additional stress breaks, all of which can reduce your stress, thereby reducing your fight/flight response, including cortisol.
• Tense/relax your muscles: tighten every muscle in your entire body head to toe for about 15 seconds then relax. Repeat two or three times. This physically channels your stress hormones. If you have trouble sleeping at night because you're physically hyper do this nightly before going to sleep. Unless you're drinking 22 cups of coffee daily it should help you sleep better. Or, to avoid the instinct of flying across the table and choking your least favorite person or running away from her, repetitively tense and relax your muscles (just the ones that are hidden from view, of course). This creates greater physical balance therefore mental balance allowing you to think more clearly about how to handle her.
• Yoga: for stress reduction in general, this is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Doing yoga exercises throughout your day relieves the stress you hold in specific parts of your body while channeling your fight/flight energy.
• Laughter: a great way to reduce stress is to find humor in taxing situations. This isn’t always possible or appropriate but usually it is. There’s another benefit to laughter. Humorous thinking is basically the same as creative thinking. So when you’re unable to resolve a stressor, find the humor in it and you'll be closer to finding a creative solution.
• Journal: dump out your deepest thoughts and feelings into a journal.
• Hobby: throw yourself into a hobby that you love.
Anything that reduces your stress in a healthy way reduces your fight/flight response, therefore your cortisol. Next week we’ll take a different look at cortisol; its connection (or not) to weight gain.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
We’ve known for over a decade that your run-of-the-mill acute stress is not what you need to worry about. You're incredibly resilient to life’s daily challenges. If you care about your health, however, you should be concerned with chronic stress.
Researchers define chronic stress as elevated stress for four to six months or longer. Common examples of people with chronic stress are those whose lives have been disrupted after a traumatic event like a hurricane, long-term caregivers, hot headed people, and those caught up in the runaway American lifestyle multitasking their way through each day getting entirely too little rest.
Chronic stress is a health concern due to the damage done to your body from the ongoing release of your fight/flight hormones, including cortisol. Remember that the fight/flight hormones were intended to protect our ancestors from physical harm giving them the energy to either physically fight or physically run away from wild animals or people. But our ancestors physically acted upon their fight/flight far more often than we do today in our incredibly sedentary lifestyle.
Today most of our stress is mental, not physical, requiring mental solutions not physical attacks or retreats. Today it's inappropriate to punch somebody out or run away from them so when your fight/flight response is triggered you have to slam on the brakes. Over time this energy takes its toll on you physically.
The trick, according to Duke University research, is to balance your stress with rest. Your rest habits strongly influence the negative consequences of your stress. Rest away from your stress could be time out to work on a hobby or literal rest like a nap. The more stressed you are, and the more you’re already paying a physical price for your stress, the more important to your health it is to schedule multiple stress breaks throughout every day. They can be seconds worth of deep breathing to a full eight hours of sleep.
Last week I mentioned three stress breaks that release or relax your fight/flight:
• Deep relaxation
• Physical exercise
• Deep breathing
Here are some additional stress breaks, all of which can reduce your stress, thereby reducing your fight/flight response, including cortisol.
• Tense/relax your muscles: tighten every muscle in your entire body head to toe for about 15 seconds then relax. Repeat two or three times. This physically channels your stress hormones. If you have trouble sleeping at night because you're physically hyper do this nightly before going to sleep. Unless you're drinking 22 cups of coffee daily it should help you sleep better. Or, to avoid the instinct of flying across the table and choking your least favorite person or running away from her, repetitively tense and relax your muscles (just the ones that are hidden from view, of course). This creates greater physical balance therefore mental balance allowing you to think more clearly about how to handle her.
• Yoga: for stress reduction in general, this is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Doing yoga exercises throughout your day relieves the stress you hold in specific parts of your body while channeling your fight/flight energy.
• Laughter: a great way to reduce stress is to find humor in taxing situations. This isn’t always possible or appropriate but usually it is. There’s another benefit to laughter. Humorous thinking is basically the same as creative thinking. So when you’re unable to resolve a stressor, find the humor in it and you'll be closer to finding a creative solution.
• Journal: dump out your deepest thoughts and feelings into a journal.
• Hobby: throw yourself into a hobby that you love.
Anything that reduces your stress in a healthy way reduces your fight/flight response, therefore your cortisol. Next week we’ll take a different look at cortisol; its connection (or not) to weight gain.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Stress breaks help the body
October 3, 2006
Did you know that how you rate your own health predicts your future regarding disease and longevity more accurately than the most thorough medical records of you? It makes sense since you live with yourself 24/7. Just as when you drive the same car for a long time and know when something’s off, you also know when you’re not sleeping well or when your digestion is off.
This finding is from fascinating research that recently appeared in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine.
The researchers found that people who consider themselves healthy were found to experience a wider fluctuation of the fight/flight response, including the hormone, cortisol. This means that they aren’t normally stressed so when the fight/flight kicks in, it's noticeable.
Those who feel unhealthy have a higher level of cortisol all of the time, a symptom of chronic stress. In other words, due to their higher level of on going stress they don't notice when the fight/flight kicks in because it's not significantly different from how they typically feel.
Cortisol and other stress-related hormones weaken your health over time when your body isn’t able to relax and recover often enough from your stress.
In both acute and chronic stress over 17 different hormones are released. Acute stress is generally a short-term response by the body to stress and lasts from a few minutes to a few weeks.
Chronic stress occurs when stress is ongoing keeping the body on high alert and is the main cause of stress-related health problems. The hypothalamus and pituitary gland release a chemical known as ACTH, which stimulates the adrenal gland, to produce and release cortisol.
In my most requested keynote, “Slow Down You Move Too Fast”, I identify three groups of people who are at greater risk of illness and disease from the havoc stress plays on your body:
• People with chronic stress
• Hotheads
• Those who are caught up in the runaway American
October 3, 2006
Did you know that how you rate your own health predicts your future regarding disease and longevity more accurately than the most thorough medical records of you? It makes sense since you live with yourself 24/7. Just as when you drive the same car for a long time and know when something’s off, you also know when you’re not sleeping well or when your digestion is off.
This finding is from fascinating research that recently appeared in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine.
The researchers found that people who consider themselves healthy were found to experience a wider fluctuation of the fight/flight response, including the hormone, cortisol. This means that they aren’t normally stressed so when the fight/flight kicks in, it's noticeable.
Those who feel unhealthy have a higher level of cortisol all of the time, a symptom of chronic stress. In other words, due to their higher level of on going stress they don't notice when the fight/flight kicks in because it's not significantly different from how they typically feel.
Cortisol and other stress-related hormones weaken your health over time when your body isn’t able to relax and recover often enough from your stress.
In both acute and chronic stress over 17 different hormones are released. Acute stress is generally a short-term response by the body to stress and lasts from a few minutes to a few weeks.
Chronic stress occurs when stress is ongoing keeping the body on high alert and is the main cause of stress-related health problems. The hypothalamus and pituitary gland release a chemical known as ACTH, which stimulates the adrenal gland, to produce and release cortisol.
In my most requested keynote, “Slow Down You Move Too Fast”, I identify three groups of people who are at greater risk of illness and disease from the havoc stress plays on your body:
• People with chronic stress
• Hotheads
• Those who are caught up in the runaway American
Monday, October 09, 2006
Local vacations on a budget can lower your stress, too
Stress for Success
September 26, 2006
For the past two weeks I’ve addressed how vital vacations -- whether multi-week or long weekends -- are to reducing your stress and burnout, increasing your productivity, and protecting your health. But not everyone can afford to take time away for financial or scheduling reasons.
Not to worry, there are ways you can and should create time for yourself at home on a minimal budget. To make these local vacations work:
• Develop a vacation mindset. Choose activities that you enjoy. The more different they are from your norm, the better. Pamper yourself.
• Tell people that you’re taking off a specific amount of time and will be unavailable. Carving out and sticking to that specific timeframe allows you to enjoy it more and be conscious that you deserve it.
• Disconnect electronically from everything! Don’t answer the phone or check emails. Spend the day(s) away from your normal pressures and from all that’s typical in your life.
• Eliminate responsibilities and interruptions by arranging for pet care and even child-care if this is a private get-away.
Here are some ideas for local and inexpensive vacations.
Become a local tourist. To discover what there is to do right here in your own backyard, go to the Internet and type in the keywords, “Fodor’s Guide (your home town area).” You’ll discover things to do that you had no idea even existed.
• In planning your itinerary, avoid everything you typically do. So, if you choose to eat out a few times, avoid your usual restaurants. Go to new places with new flavors. Develop an adventurous and exploratory attitude.
• To really get away if you can afford it, check into a nearby hotel that offers some luxury and tranquility; one with a swimming pool and other relaxing amenities. Staying in a hotel keeps you from being reminded of all the work you have at home. Let others do your laundry, cook and deliver your food, and clean up afterwards. It's more self-indulgent.
Other things to relax you:
• Get massages. There’s much research reporting their stress reduction benefits.
• Read a book that you’ve been longing to find time to read.
• Stay in your pajamas all day long; an obvious reminder throughout the day that today is for you to do whatever you want. If you want to "waste" the entire day watching movie after movie, then do it! Do what ever would refresh you.
If you’re in need of rest vs. activity, consider an at-home spa (typically more for women but doesn’t need to be):
• Block out a generous amount of time with no interruptions. Privacy is very important.
• Play soothing music and light scented candles (lavender scents relax you more). There's nothing quite like music you love and candle light to put you in a peaceful frame of mind. They create an ambiance that’s totally different from the typical rat race existence.
• Pamper yourself with a lavender scented bath and soak until your body is relaxed. Use a pumice stone on your feet. Deep clean your face with a masque. And while you're at it deep condition your hair. After, use your favorite scented skin cream and take care of your nails to complete the picture.
Use these ideas throughout the year. Designate at least one day every month to do whatever you find the most restorative. Be nobody’s employee, parent or spouse. As long as it's a defined amount of time, you’re unavailable to others’ demands, disconnected electronically, and you do it with a sense of enjoyment, it’ll lower your stress.
So toss out your guilt for taking care of yourself and enjoy a break from your norm.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
September 26, 2006
For the past two weeks I’ve addressed how vital vacations -- whether multi-week or long weekends -- are to reducing your stress and burnout, increasing your productivity, and protecting your health. But not everyone can afford to take time away for financial or scheduling reasons.
Not to worry, there are ways you can and should create time for yourself at home on a minimal budget. To make these local vacations work:
• Develop a vacation mindset. Choose activities that you enjoy. The more different they are from your norm, the better. Pamper yourself.
• Tell people that you’re taking off a specific amount of time and will be unavailable. Carving out and sticking to that specific timeframe allows you to enjoy it more and be conscious that you deserve it.
• Disconnect electronically from everything! Don’t answer the phone or check emails. Spend the day(s) away from your normal pressures and from all that’s typical in your life.
• Eliminate responsibilities and interruptions by arranging for pet care and even child-care if this is a private get-away.
Here are some ideas for local and inexpensive vacations.
Become a local tourist. To discover what there is to do right here in your own backyard, go to the Internet and type in the keywords, “Fodor’s Guide (your home town area).” You’ll discover things to do that you had no idea even existed.
• In planning your itinerary, avoid everything you typically do. So, if you choose to eat out a few times, avoid your usual restaurants. Go to new places with new flavors. Develop an adventurous and exploratory attitude.
• To really get away if you can afford it, check into a nearby hotel that offers some luxury and tranquility; one with a swimming pool and other relaxing amenities. Staying in a hotel keeps you from being reminded of all the work you have at home. Let others do your laundry, cook and deliver your food, and clean up afterwards. It's more self-indulgent.
Other things to relax you:
• Get massages. There’s much research reporting their stress reduction benefits.
• Read a book that you’ve been longing to find time to read.
• Stay in your pajamas all day long; an obvious reminder throughout the day that today is for you to do whatever you want. If you want to "waste" the entire day watching movie after movie, then do it! Do what ever would refresh you.
If you’re in need of rest vs. activity, consider an at-home spa (typically more for women but doesn’t need to be):
• Block out a generous amount of time with no interruptions. Privacy is very important.
• Play soothing music and light scented candles (lavender scents relax you more). There's nothing quite like music you love and candle light to put you in a peaceful frame of mind. They create an ambiance that’s totally different from the typical rat race existence.
• Pamper yourself with a lavender scented bath and soak until your body is relaxed. Use a pumice stone on your feet. Deep clean your face with a masque. And while you're at it deep condition your hair. After, use your favorite scented skin cream and take care of your nails to complete the picture.
Use these ideas throughout the year. Designate at least one day every month to do whatever you find the most restorative. Be nobody’s employee, parent or spouse. As long as it's a defined amount of time, you’re unavailable to others’ demands, disconnected electronically, and you do it with a sense of enjoyment, it’ll lower your stress.
So toss out your guilt for taking care of yourself and enjoy a break from your norm.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Time off work increases creativity, productivity
Stress for Success
September 19, 2006
"Every now and then go away, have a little relaxation, since to remain constantly at work will cause you to lose power of judgment. Go some distance away because a lack of harmony or proportion is more readily seen."
This is even truer for today's hyper-lifestyle than it was 500 years ago when spoken by Leonardo da Vinci. He understood that getting away from work enhances your productivity and improves your perspective.
He’d probably be horrified with the fatigued, vacation-deficit American; and even more so with the workaholics who participate in a sick competition to see who can take off the least time!
The consequences of the average American working 47.1 hours a week with 26% having no vacation at all include burnout, exhaustion, stress, illness, conflicts, lower productivity and job satisfaction and increased job-hopping.
The more exhausted and burned-out you are, the more you need a variety of breaks.
If you’re an employer who discourages vacation time think again. According to Joanne Chan, over-tired employees’ MRI scans of their fatigued brains look nearly identical to those of sleeping brains! (Vogue, 2003)
I know of what I speak. In the late ‘90s I was burning-out professionally while at the same time taking care of my failing parents. The year-and-a-half of care-giving led to a point that even a month-long vacation wouldn’t have been enough. Additionally, my husband had been burned-out for a few years with his business.
So what cured us? We took off an entire year and traveled the U. S. and western Canada in a huge motor home. Even though our biggest task of any given day was to determine what to explore, it still took me a few months to notice my energy returning. It was an expensive choice but worth it because it restored our mental and physical health.
This isn’t a viable choice for many but if you fail to create time off you’ll pay the emotional, mental and physical consequences some day.
Convince yourself that vacations are simply very good for you. They:
• Promote creativity since changing what you focus on increases your creative juices; the more different your vacation from your normal life, the better.
• Shield you from burnout
• Keep you healthier by lowering your stress and recharging your batteries.
• Strengthen relationships by spending quality time with loved ones and hopefully having fun together.
To take advantage of a vacation’s benefits:
• Leave behind your work, laptop, cell phone, work worries and co-worker conflicts.
• Disconnect electronically completely! (Take a deep breath. Your gadgets will be there when you return.)
• Leave behind any guilt, too. Remind yourself that you’ll be more efficient and effective after a healthy rest away from the normal.
• Leave behind your work/productivity mentality. Some vacations are as structured as a military campaign. Your family may not find your military precision as relaxing as you do. Compromise.
• Have fun planning your vacation. Get into your child mode.
• Do things you love to do. So everybody has fun, plan your get away with your family.
• Wander around wherever you go. Open your mind to adventure and exploring new places.
Go ahead. Request the vacation days you’re due. Be armed with the researched benefits of time off: increased productivity, decreased absenteeism, sick days, employee turnover, medical claims and health insurance premiums. Bring out the big guns if your boss isn’t convinced. Tell him an exhausted employee is like a sleeping employee. Is that what he really wants?
Next week, we’ll look at some ideas of how you can have a great vacation without leaving home and spending lots of money.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
September 19, 2006
"Every now and then go away, have a little relaxation, since to remain constantly at work will cause you to lose power of judgment. Go some distance away because a lack of harmony or proportion is more readily seen."
This is even truer for today's hyper-lifestyle than it was 500 years ago when spoken by Leonardo da Vinci. He understood that getting away from work enhances your productivity and improves your perspective.
He’d probably be horrified with the fatigued, vacation-deficit American; and even more so with the workaholics who participate in a sick competition to see who can take off the least time!
The consequences of the average American working 47.1 hours a week with 26% having no vacation at all include burnout, exhaustion, stress, illness, conflicts, lower productivity and job satisfaction and increased job-hopping.
The more exhausted and burned-out you are, the more you need a variety of breaks.
If you’re an employer who discourages vacation time think again. According to Joanne Chan, over-tired employees’ MRI scans of their fatigued brains look nearly identical to those of sleeping brains! (Vogue, 2003)
I know of what I speak. In the late ‘90s I was burning-out professionally while at the same time taking care of my failing parents. The year-and-a-half of care-giving led to a point that even a month-long vacation wouldn’t have been enough. Additionally, my husband had been burned-out for a few years with his business.
So what cured us? We took off an entire year and traveled the U. S. and western Canada in a huge motor home. Even though our biggest task of any given day was to determine what to explore, it still took me a few months to notice my energy returning. It was an expensive choice but worth it because it restored our mental and physical health.
This isn’t a viable choice for many but if you fail to create time off you’ll pay the emotional, mental and physical consequences some day.
Convince yourself that vacations are simply very good for you. They:
• Promote creativity since changing what you focus on increases your creative juices; the more different your vacation from your normal life, the better.
• Shield you from burnout
• Keep you healthier by lowering your stress and recharging your batteries.
• Strengthen relationships by spending quality time with loved ones and hopefully having fun together.
To take advantage of a vacation’s benefits:
• Leave behind your work, laptop, cell phone, work worries and co-worker conflicts.
• Disconnect electronically completely! (Take a deep breath. Your gadgets will be there when you return.)
• Leave behind any guilt, too. Remind yourself that you’ll be more efficient and effective after a healthy rest away from the normal.
• Leave behind your work/productivity mentality. Some vacations are as structured as a military campaign. Your family may not find your military precision as relaxing as you do. Compromise.
• Have fun planning your vacation. Get into your child mode.
• Do things you love to do. So everybody has fun, plan your get away with your family.
• Wander around wherever you go. Open your mind to adventure and exploring new places.
Go ahead. Request the vacation days you’re due. Be armed with the researched benefits of time off: increased productivity, decreased absenteeism, sick days, employee turnover, medical claims and health insurance premiums. Bring out the big guns if your boss isn’t convinced. Tell him an exhausted employee is like a sleeping employee. Is that what he really wants?
Next week, we’ll look at some ideas of how you can have a great vacation without leaving home and spending lots of money.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Americans need more vacation to rest, recoup
Stress for Success
September 5, 2006
Va-ca-tion: a time set aside from work, study, etc., for recreation or rest; a holiday.
When's the last time you took a real vacation? If you're like many Americans it's been awhile. We take far too few and the vacations we do take are far too short. The average American takes a dismal three to four days off, according to Joe Robinson author of "Work to Live: The Guide to Getting a Life". One in seven of us takes no vacation at all!
According to Expedia.com’s annual vacation deprivation survey, Americans are leaving an average of four vacation days unclaimed per year.
This lack of leisure and vacation time is a growing problem in America. We’re desperate for time to relax and renew. More than 65% of Americans say they’re stressed and under pressure, in need of more fun, a long vacation, or just simply a break.
No wonder we feel this way. Our obsession with work is unmatched in the industrialized world. Until quite recently only the Japanese worked more weeks per year than Americans. No longer! We now work two and one-half weeks a year more than they and -- hold onto your hats -- 12 1/2 weeks more per year than the Germans! We’re the only industrialized country that doesn’t mandate paid vacation leave. Even China mandates three weeks per year.
A workshop participant said recently that if Americans had as much vacation as the Germans most would probably get part-time jobs to catch up on paying their bills. (It doesn’t seem to occur to them to simply spend less money. I digress.)
Why have we gotten ourselves into this vacation pickle?
According to Robinson, this American vacation deficit began with the recession of the early 1980s and accelerated in the late 1980s with technological advances such as fax machines, desktop computers, cell phones, and subsequently e-mail, blackberries, laptops, etc. These technological "advances" create a growing sense of urgency and impatience, called techno-stress. In the old days you could tell a customer that you'd “get it in the mail today”. It was even okay if it was sent tomorrow. But today people want everything now!
Additionally, organizations have dramatically downsized, leaving most employees doing more work and putting in more hours to get it all done. Between being overworked and dominated by high-tech devices the boundary between work and home has quickly eroded so you may find yourself never completely "off work". This leads to greater stress, irritability, exhaustion and inefficiency.
To add insult to injury our ubiquitous technological gadgets are often taken along on vacations keeping you from totally disengaging, minimizing a vacation’s positive effects on you.
American management also has an unfounded fear that if employees get too much time off they’ll fall behind on their work. But that misses the point: employees who work too much with too few breaks are operating off of too little sleep and tired brains so they’re making more mistakes and having more accidents and conflicts at work. A well-rested (a well-vacationed) employee conversely is more productive, creative and makes fewer mistakes.
If Americans are so desperate for more R & R, why don't we do something about it? Today’s business climate certainly doesn’t encourage plentiful nor lengthy vacations. Plus our own spending habits get us into the bind of having to work more to make more money. To get a much- needed rest, those with a vacation deficit need to make different choices.
Next week, we’ll explore some choices and ideas on how to make better use of vacation time, even if you can’t afford to go anywhere.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
September 5, 2006
Va-ca-tion: a time set aside from work, study, etc., for recreation or rest; a holiday.
When's the last time you took a real vacation? If you're like many Americans it's been awhile. We take far too few and the vacations we do take are far too short. The average American takes a dismal three to four days off, according to Joe Robinson author of "Work to Live: The Guide to Getting a Life". One in seven of us takes no vacation at all!
According to Expedia.com’s annual vacation deprivation survey, Americans are leaving an average of four vacation days unclaimed per year.
This lack of leisure and vacation time is a growing problem in America. We’re desperate for time to relax and renew. More than 65% of Americans say they’re stressed and under pressure, in need of more fun, a long vacation, or just simply a break.
No wonder we feel this way. Our obsession with work is unmatched in the industrialized world. Until quite recently only the Japanese worked more weeks per year than Americans. No longer! We now work two and one-half weeks a year more than they and -- hold onto your hats -- 12 1/2 weeks more per year than the Germans! We’re the only industrialized country that doesn’t mandate paid vacation leave. Even China mandates three weeks per year.
A workshop participant said recently that if Americans had as much vacation as the Germans most would probably get part-time jobs to catch up on paying their bills. (It doesn’t seem to occur to them to simply spend less money. I digress.)
Why have we gotten ourselves into this vacation pickle?
According to Robinson, this American vacation deficit began with the recession of the early 1980s and accelerated in the late 1980s with technological advances such as fax machines, desktop computers, cell phones, and subsequently e-mail, blackberries, laptops, etc. These technological "advances" create a growing sense of urgency and impatience, called techno-stress. In the old days you could tell a customer that you'd “get it in the mail today”. It was even okay if it was sent tomorrow. But today people want everything now!
Additionally, organizations have dramatically downsized, leaving most employees doing more work and putting in more hours to get it all done. Between being overworked and dominated by high-tech devices the boundary between work and home has quickly eroded so you may find yourself never completely "off work". This leads to greater stress, irritability, exhaustion and inefficiency.
To add insult to injury our ubiquitous technological gadgets are often taken along on vacations keeping you from totally disengaging, minimizing a vacation’s positive effects on you.
American management also has an unfounded fear that if employees get too much time off they’ll fall behind on their work. But that misses the point: employees who work too much with too few breaks are operating off of too little sleep and tired brains so they’re making more mistakes and having more accidents and conflicts at work. A well-rested (a well-vacationed) employee conversely is more productive, creative and makes fewer mistakes.
If Americans are so desperate for more R & R, why don't we do something about it? Today’s business climate certainly doesn’t encourage plentiful nor lengthy vacations. Plus our own spending habits get us into the bind of having to work more to make more money. To get a much- needed rest, those with a vacation deficit need to make different choices.
Next week, we’ll explore some choices and ideas on how to make better use of vacation time, even if you can’t afford to go anywhere.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Avoid boredom on the job to lower your stress
Stress for Success
August 22, 2006
How does this sound: most days at work there’s nothing much to do so you surf the Internet, read a book, or take a nap?
To the overworked and harried this may sound like the ideal job. Think again. According to research boredom with too little to do is one of the biggest contributors to work-related stress. Regardless of your job, boredom can be more stressful and damaging than overwork.
Curt Coffman of the Gallup Organization, which measured employee engagement, said, "We know that 55% of all US employees are not engaged at work. They’re basically in a holding pattern. They feel like their capabilities aren't being tapped into and utilized and therefore, they really don't have a psychological connection to the organization."
Additionally, if your work has little or no meaning, burnout is just around the corner.
According to a survey by Sirota Consulting LLC, based in Purchase, New York, of more than 800,000 employees at 61 organizations worldwide, those with "too little work" gave an overall job satisfaction rating of 49 out of 100, while those with "too much work" had a rating of 57.
"Those who are saying their workload is heavier rather than lighter are more positive," said Jeffrey Saltzman, chief executive of Sirota. "When you say you have too much work to do other things are happening in your head: ‘I'm valued by the organization. They're giving me responsibility.’ That's better than being in the other place where you say I'm not valued in this place."
Bored employees are detached and have "checked out" from their work. Employers suffer as well when the boredom spreads and makes the entire organization feel dull and demoralized, undermining its creativity and competitiveness.
To minimize your own boredom:
• Look around to see who needs help and ask if you can provide it. Pay special attention to helping out in some way that would broaden your own skills and make you more valuable to your organization and more marketable should you decide to leave.
• Identify ongoing and repetitive problems either within the organization or with your customers and seek out creative solutions. Ask many questions about them. “What do we need more of and less of in relation to the problem?” are great questions to start with. Curious people get bored less often and asking lots of questions is an important key as to why.
• Then sell your ideas to management in a way that points out the benefit to them. Will your idea lighten your boss’ load? Will it solve a nagging problem giving her visibility? In other words, how will your idea make your boss look good?
• Ask yourself, “What changes are affecting my organization and our customers?” Areas of change represent fertile ground for unmet needs just waiting for someone to spot and satisfy.
If you're an employer with bored employees the last thing to do is give them busy work, which would make matters worse. Instead:
• Ask your employees why they’re bored and what would make their work more interesting.
• Hire curious people in the first place.
• Enlist the employee’s ideas in solving some nagging problems; identify the changes around you for possibilities.
• Encourage bored employees to let their own curiosity guide them in finding something that needs attention and to make a recommendation for handling it.
Your stress goes up in direct proportion to your boredom. So, the next time at work when you’re feeling stretched entirely too thin say, “Thank you” to your boss for lowering your stress.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
August 22, 2006
How does this sound: most days at work there’s nothing much to do so you surf the Internet, read a book, or take a nap?
To the overworked and harried this may sound like the ideal job. Think again. According to research boredom with too little to do is one of the biggest contributors to work-related stress. Regardless of your job, boredom can be more stressful and damaging than overwork.
Curt Coffman of the Gallup Organization, which measured employee engagement, said, "We know that 55% of all US employees are not engaged at work. They’re basically in a holding pattern. They feel like their capabilities aren't being tapped into and utilized and therefore, they really don't have a psychological connection to the organization."
Additionally, if your work has little or no meaning, burnout is just around the corner.
According to a survey by Sirota Consulting LLC, based in Purchase, New York, of more than 800,000 employees at 61 organizations worldwide, those with "too little work" gave an overall job satisfaction rating of 49 out of 100, while those with "too much work" had a rating of 57.
"Those who are saying their workload is heavier rather than lighter are more positive," said Jeffrey Saltzman, chief executive of Sirota. "When you say you have too much work to do other things are happening in your head: ‘I'm valued by the organization. They're giving me responsibility.’ That's better than being in the other place where you say I'm not valued in this place."
Bored employees are detached and have "checked out" from their work. Employers suffer as well when the boredom spreads and makes the entire organization feel dull and demoralized, undermining its creativity and competitiveness.
To minimize your own boredom:
• Look around to see who needs help and ask if you can provide it. Pay special attention to helping out in some way that would broaden your own skills and make you more valuable to your organization and more marketable should you decide to leave.
• Identify ongoing and repetitive problems either within the organization or with your customers and seek out creative solutions. Ask many questions about them. “What do we need more of and less of in relation to the problem?” are great questions to start with. Curious people get bored less often and asking lots of questions is an important key as to why.
• Then sell your ideas to management in a way that points out the benefit to them. Will your idea lighten your boss’ load? Will it solve a nagging problem giving her visibility? In other words, how will your idea make your boss look good?
• Ask yourself, “What changes are affecting my organization and our customers?” Areas of change represent fertile ground for unmet needs just waiting for someone to spot and satisfy.
If you're an employer with bored employees the last thing to do is give them busy work, which would make matters worse. Instead:
• Ask your employees why they’re bored and what would make their work more interesting.
• Hire curious people in the first place.
• Enlist the employee’s ideas in solving some nagging problems; identify the changes around you for possibilities.
• Encourage bored employees to let their own curiosity guide them in finding something that needs attention and to make a recommendation for handling it.
Your stress goes up in direct proportion to your boredom. So, the next time at work when you’re feeling stretched entirely too thin say, “Thank you” to your boss for lowering your stress.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Make changing easier by using stage-appropriate strategies
Stress for Success
August 8, 2006
Since making changes is so difficult, we need all the help we can get. Increasing your awareness of the change process and the stages you must go through is an important first step.
Last week I wrote about the six stages of change that everyone goes through to successfully change anything, according to the authors of "Changing for Good", Drs. Prochaska, Norcross, and DiClemente.
• Precontemplation: you don't think you have a problem
• Contemplation: you know you have a problem and feel weighed down by it.
• Preparation: you've thought a lot about your problem and you're getting ready to act soon.
• Action: you put your change plan into action.
• Maintenance: continued vigilance and plans for dealing with the pitfalls are needed.
• Termination: your temptation no longer exists, your fight is over.
If you’re attempting to make a change in your life determine which stage you’re in by answering these questions:
• I solved my problem more than six months ago. (If so, you’re in the Maintenance stage.)
• I've taken action on my problem within the past six months. (If yes to this and no to the first question, you’re in the Action stage.)
• I'm intending to take action in the next month. (You’re in the Preparation stage if you answered yes to this and the next question and no to the others.)
• I'm intending to take action in the next six months. (If yes, you’re a Contemplator.)
If you answered no to all statements, you're in the Precontemplation stage.
Now that you know which the stage you’re in, the next step is to figure out which strategies to use. The authors discovered that successful completion of each stage was linked to the use of certain strategies. If you use an inappropriate strategy for a given stage you’ll be more unsuccessful in changing. (Some of these processes require professional help.)
• Consciousness Raising: increase knowledge about yourself and your problem through observation and research during the Precontemplation and Contemplation stages.
• Social Liberation: from the Precontemplation through Action stages pursue new alternatives in the external environment to help you change, for instance no- smoking areas, non-alcoholic beer or low-fat menus.
• Emotional Arousal: express your feelings about your problems and their solutions through psychodrama, grieving losses, and role-playing during the Contemplation and Preparation stages.
• Self-reevaluation: during the Contemplation and Preparation stages assess your feelings and thoughts about yourself with respect to your problem through values clarification, imagery, and challenging dysfunctional thoughts.
• Commitment: commit to act or believe in your ability to change through decision-making therapy for the Preparation, Action, and Maintenance stages.
• Reward: whether from yourself or from others get rewards for making your changes through contingency contracts (e.g., putting a designated amount of money into a shopping account for each pound you lose) and praise yourself for accomplishing even small steps during the Action and Maintenance stages.
• Countering: for the Action and Maintenance stages substitute alternatives for your problem behaviors such as relaxation, desensitization, assertiveness skills, and positive affirmations.
• Environmental Control: during the Action and Maintenance stages avoid stimuli that elicit your problem behaviors through restructuring your environment by removing alcohol or fattening foods from your home, and avoid high risk cues, such as going out with you the gang after work.
• Helping Relationships: enlist the help of those who care and create social support and self-help groups to successfully navigate the Action and Maintenance stages.
Change still won’t be easy, but knowing which stage you’re in and using the stage-appropriate strategies to speed up moving to the next level of change can increase your success rate for any change you want to make.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her mission is to inspire you to live a conscious life of personal responsibility in relations with yourself and with others. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
August 8, 2006
Since making changes is so difficult, we need all the help we can get. Increasing your awareness of the change process and the stages you must go through is an important first step.
Last week I wrote about the six stages of change that everyone goes through to successfully change anything, according to the authors of "Changing for Good", Drs. Prochaska, Norcross, and DiClemente.
• Precontemplation: you don't think you have a problem
• Contemplation: you know you have a problem and feel weighed down by it.
• Preparation: you've thought a lot about your problem and you're getting ready to act soon.
• Action: you put your change plan into action.
• Maintenance: continued vigilance and plans for dealing with the pitfalls are needed.
• Termination: your temptation no longer exists, your fight is over.
If you’re attempting to make a change in your life determine which stage you’re in by answering these questions:
• I solved my problem more than six months ago. (If so, you’re in the Maintenance stage.)
• I've taken action on my problem within the past six months. (If yes to this and no to the first question, you’re in the Action stage.)
• I'm intending to take action in the next month. (You’re in the Preparation stage if you answered yes to this and the next question and no to the others.)
• I'm intending to take action in the next six months. (If yes, you’re a Contemplator.)
If you answered no to all statements, you're in the Precontemplation stage.
Now that you know which the stage you’re in, the next step is to figure out which strategies to use. The authors discovered that successful completion of each stage was linked to the use of certain strategies. If you use an inappropriate strategy for a given stage you’ll be more unsuccessful in changing. (Some of these processes require professional help.)
• Consciousness Raising: increase knowledge about yourself and your problem through observation and research during the Precontemplation and Contemplation stages.
• Social Liberation: from the Precontemplation through Action stages pursue new alternatives in the external environment to help you change, for instance no- smoking areas, non-alcoholic beer or low-fat menus.
• Emotional Arousal: express your feelings about your problems and their solutions through psychodrama, grieving losses, and role-playing during the Contemplation and Preparation stages.
• Self-reevaluation: during the Contemplation and Preparation stages assess your feelings and thoughts about yourself with respect to your problem through values clarification, imagery, and challenging dysfunctional thoughts.
• Commitment: commit to act or believe in your ability to change through decision-making therapy for the Preparation, Action, and Maintenance stages.
• Reward: whether from yourself or from others get rewards for making your changes through contingency contracts (e.g., putting a designated amount of money into a shopping account for each pound you lose) and praise yourself for accomplishing even small steps during the Action and Maintenance stages.
• Countering: for the Action and Maintenance stages substitute alternatives for your problem behaviors such as relaxation, desensitization, assertiveness skills, and positive affirmations.
• Environmental Control: during the Action and Maintenance stages avoid stimuli that elicit your problem behaviors through restructuring your environment by removing alcohol or fattening foods from your home, and avoid high risk cues, such as going out with you the gang after work.
• Helping Relationships: enlist the help of those who care and create social support and self-help groups to successfully navigate the Action and Maintenance stages.
Change still won’t be easy, but knowing which stage you’re in and using the stage-appropriate strategies to speed up moving to the next level of change can increase your success rate for any change you want to make.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her mission is to inspire you to live a conscious life of personal responsibility in relations with yourself and with others. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
It helps to know which stage you’re in when making changes
Stress for Success
August 1, 2006
Do you or well-meaning friends and family pressure you to quit smoking, get more exercise, spend less money or to otherwise make changes that would make your life better? So why don’t you just snap your fingers and make it happen? Oh that we could!
Making changes is usually an arduous process. The path to a stated goal isn’t direct but rather is generally one step forward followed by one or two steps backward, three steps forward with one step back, etc.
Drs. Prochaska, Norcross, and DiClemente, authors of "Changing for Good", have discovered that no matter the change you want to make you must go through certain stages. Whether you make the change on your own or with a support group or a therapist, everyone goes through the same ones. Additionally they discovered that you cannot skip any of these six stages:
• Precontemplation: you don't think you have a problem, like the alcoholic with two DWIs who continues to think she's in control of her drinking. Denial is common in this stage. As a precontemplator you lack information about your problem so you have no intention of changing anything. In fact, if anyone needs to change it's the people around you. The only way precontemplators change is from great pressure from others. Once that lessens, however, they quickly return to their old ways.
• Contemplation: in this stage you’re beginning to feel the pain. You know you have a problem and feel weighed down and stressed by it. You struggle to understand your problem and its causes and to explore possible solutions. You know what your goal is but you're not ready to begin. It’s not uncommon to spend several years in this stage. If you habitually substitute thinking for action you’ll become a chronic contemplator. However, when you start focusing more on the solution than the problem, and thinking more about the future than the past, you’re beginning to push yourself into the next stage.
• Preparation: this is the stage before you take action. You've put a lot of thought into your problem and you're getting ready to act soon. You may have a detailed plan of action of how to make your change. It helps to tell others (public commitment) about your goal and your plans to give you added motivation.
• Action: you put your plan into action, which requires a lot of energy from you. It’s easy to fail in this stage, especially if your acceptance of yourself is very low. When self-acceptance is too low you become overly anxious to change, which can be self-defeating.
• Maintenance: now that you've taken action and you’ve accomplished your goal your problem is solved! Hooray! But you know it too often doesn’t work this way. Continued vigilance and plans for dealing with the pitfalls will increase your success.
• Termination: this is the point where your temptation no longer exists and your fight is over. As you can imagine, many problems never reach this stage.
Figuring out which stage you’re in helps you to move through them a bit more smoothly. If you try to make a change that you're not ready for you’ll probably fail. On the other hand, if you spend too much time working on something that you've already perfected, such as creating your action plan, you may delay action indefinitely.
What stage are you in for one of your desired and challenging changes?
Additionally, for each stage there are certain strategies that will help you move through them more efficiently. By using the stage-appropriate approaches you’ll significantly increase the likelihood of successful change. That’s the topic for next week.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her mission is to inspire people to live conscious lives of personal responsibility in relations with themselves and with others. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
August 1, 2006
Do you or well-meaning friends and family pressure you to quit smoking, get more exercise, spend less money or to otherwise make changes that would make your life better? So why don’t you just snap your fingers and make it happen? Oh that we could!
Making changes is usually an arduous process. The path to a stated goal isn’t direct but rather is generally one step forward followed by one or two steps backward, three steps forward with one step back, etc.
Drs. Prochaska, Norcross, and DiClemente, authors of "Changing for Good", have discovered that no matter the change you want to make you must go through certain stages. Whether you make the change on your own or with a support group or a therapist, everyone goes through the same ones. Additionally they discovered that you cannot skip any of these six stages:
• Precontemplation: you don't think you have a problem, like the alcoholic with two DWIs who continues to think she's in control of her drinking. Denial is common in this stage. As a precontemplator you lack information about your problem so you have no intention of changing anything. In fact, if anyone needs to change it's the people around you. The only way precontemplators change is from great pressure from others. Once that lessens, however, they quickly return to their old ways.
• Contemplation: in this stage you’re beginning to feel the pain. You know you have a problem and feel weighed down and stressed by it. You struggle to understand your problem and its causes and to explore possible solutions. You know what your goal is but you're not ready to begin. It’s not uncommon to spend several years in this stage. If you habitually substitute thinking for action you’ll become a chronic contemplator. However, when you start focusing more on the solution than the problem, and thinking more about the future than the past, you’re beginning to push yourself into the next stage.
• Preparation: this is the stage before you take action. You've put a lot of thought into your problem and you're getting ready to act soon. You may have a detailed plan of action of how to make your change. It helps to tell others (public commitment) about your goal and your plans to give you added motivation.
• Action: you put your plan into action, which requires a lot of energy from you. It’s easy to fail in this stage, especially if your acceptance of yourself is very low. When self-acceptance is too low you become overly anxious to change, which can be self-defeating.
• Maintenance: now that you've taken action and you’ve accomplished your goal your problem is solved! Hooray! But you know it too often doesn’t work this way. Continued vigilance and plans for dealing with the pitfalls will increase your success.
• Termination: this is the point where your temptation no longer exists and your fight is over. As you can imagine, many problems never reach this stage.
Figuring out which stage you’re in helps you to move through them a bit more smoothly. If you try to make a change that you're not ready for you’ll probably fail. On the other hand, if you spend too much time working on something that you've already perfected, such as creating your action plan, you may delay action indefinitely.
What stage are you in for one of your desired and challenging changes?
Additionally, for each stage there are certain strategies that will help you move through them more efficiently. By using the stage-appropriate approaches you’ll significantly increase the likelihood of successful change. That’s the topic for next week.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her mission is to inspire people to live conscious lives of personal responsibility in relations with themselves and with others. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Monday, July 24, 2006
Seek balance in your beliefs to make necessary changes
Stress for Success
July 25, 2006
If you worry about the effects of stress on your mental and physical health but do nothing about them, you're in good company along with half of all Americans. The reason for your inaction might be that you have life-schemas that perpetuate your inertia.
All behavior is dictated by your beliefs. Life schemas are a way to organize your beliefs to more easily understand them and to change them where necessary.
According to the authors of “Why Can't I Get What I Want”, Drs. Kirby Lassen and Elliott, there are two maladaptive schemas and one adaptive one that fall along each continuum in the zones of self-worth, empowerment and relationships. For instance one schema deals with your level of desirability. This continuum runs from feeling undesirable to desirable to irresistible. The trick for your mental health is to have a balance between the extremes, which in this example means to see yourself as desirable.
Here’s the list of all the schemas, which influence your reactions to everything. The first and third of each continuum are the maladaptive ones. The center schema in each is the adaptive, or healthiest one. They're mostly self-explanatory so as you scan through these guess which ones might be keeping you in your unhealthy patterns. (To truly benefit from this concept you’ll need to read their book.)
The self-worth zone:
• Blameworthy - accepting - blameless
• Undesirable - desirable - irresistible
• Unworthy - worthy - entitled
• Inadequate - adequate - perfectionist
The empowerment zone:
• Acquiescent – assertive - domineering
• Dependent - capable - stubbornly independent
• Powerless - empowered - omnipotent
• Vulnerable - resilient - invulnerable
The relationship zone:
• Other-centered - centered - self-centered
• Abandonment - intimate - avoidant
• Undefined - defined - aggrandizing
• Distrusting – trusting – naïve
The trick, remember, is to seek balance between the two extremes.
Let's say that the schema that’s keeping you from making healthier routine choices is the dependent schema. This means that, “you often feel incapable of handling everyday decisions and responsibilities and usually seek help from others.” To become more capable, the authors encourage you to do a cost-benefit analysis for your maladaptive schema. Unless the costs are great enough you aren’t likely to change.
Benefits to being dependent:
• Having someone to depend upon keeps me from being alone.
• When something goes wrong someone will be there to help me.
• Life is easier when someone else handles the decisions.
• If something goes wrong it's not my fault.
Costs to being dependent:
• Some people may get tired of making decisions for me.
• Being dependent keeps me vulnerable and stunts my personal growth.
• My spouse, upon whom I depend, doesn’t encourage me to change my habits possibly because he doesn’t want to change his.
• Sometimes the people I depend upon don't really have my best interests in mind.
• Being dependent makes it more difficult for others and for me to respect me.
The first step in breaking a schema’s hold on you, is to be aware of not only which ones are operating but also their costs. When the cost becomes too great you’ll hopefully find more motivation to change.
The second step is to strive for balance between the extremes; in this example to become more capable and less dependent in making your own daily choices. Making healthier lifestyle choices, even if you start with one little decision at a time, will eventually make it easier for you to actually change your habits, turning your inertia into movement.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her mission is to inspire people to live conscious lives of personal responsibility in relations with themselves and with others. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
July 25, 2006
If you worry about the effects of stress on your mental and physical health but do nothing about them, you're in good company along with half of all Americans. The reason for your inaction might be that you have life-schemas that perpetuate your inertia.
All behavior is dictated by your beliefs. Life schemas are a way to organize your beliefs to more easily understand them and to change them where necessary.
According to the authors of “Why Can't I Get What I Want”, Drs. Kirby Lassen and Elliott, there are two maladaptive schemas and one adaptive one that fall along each continuum in the zones of self-worth, empowerment and relationships. For instance one schema deals with your level of desirability. This continuum runs from feeling undesirable to desirable to irresistible. The trick for your mental health is to have a balance between the extremes, which in this example means to see yourself as desirable.
Here’s the list of all the schemas, which influence your reactions to everything. The first and third of each continuum are the maladaptive ones. The center schema in each is the adaptive, or healthiest one. They're mostly self-explanatory so as you scan through these guess which ones might be keeping you in your unhealthy patterns. (To truly benefit from this concept you’ll need to read their book.)
The self-worth zone:
• Blameworthy - accepting - blameless
• Undesirable - desirable - irresistible
• Unworthy - worthy - entitled
• Inadequate - adequate - perfectionist
The empowerment zone:
• Acquiescent – assertive - domineering
• Dependent - capable - stubbornly independent
• Powerless - empowered - omnipotent
• Vulnerable - resilient - invulnerable
The relationship zone:
• Other-centered - centered - self-centered
• Abandonment - intimate - avoidant
• Undefined - defined - aggrandizing
• Distrusting – trusting – naïve
The trick, remember, is to seek balance between the two extremes.
Let's say that the schema that’s keeping you from making healthier routine choices is the dependent schema. This means that, “you often feel incapable of handling everyday decisions and responsibilities and usually seek help from others.” To become more capable, the authors encourage you to do a cost-benefit analysis for your maladaptive schema. Unless the costs are great enough you aren’t likely to change.
Benefits to being dependent:
• Having someone to depend upon keeps me from being alone.
• When something goes wrong someone will be there to help me.
• Life is easier when someone else handles the decisions.
• If something goes wrong it's not my fault.
Costs to being dependent:
• Some people may get tired of making decisions for me.
• Being dependent keeps me vulnerable and stunts my personal growth.
• My spouse, upon whom I depend, doesn’t encourage me to change my habits possibly because he doesn’t want to change his.
• Sometimes the people I depend upon don't really have my best interests in mind.
• Being dependent makes it more difficult for others and for me to respect me.
The first step in breaking a schema’s hold on you, is to be aware of not only which ones are operating but also their costs. When the cost becomes too great you’ll hopefully find more motivation to change.
The second step is to strive for balance between the extremes; in this example to become more capable and less dependent in making your own daily choices. Making healthier lifestyle choices, even if you start with one little decision at a time, will eventually make it easier for you to actually change your habits, turning your inertia into movement.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her mission is to inspire people to live conscious lives of personal responsibility in relations with themselves and with others. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Maladaptive schemas are normal reactions to abnormal situations
Stress for Success
July 18, 2006
Last week I addressed how “life-schemas” can explain why some of the 50 percent of Americans who worry that stress is wrecking their physical and mental health do nothing about it. Can a person’s mostly subconscious beliefs keep them in unhealthy lifestyle patterns decade after decade?
In short, the answer is a definite yes.
Everyone interprets life's events through their own personal "schema lens". Schemas are your beliefs about yourself and your world. You tend not to question them but rather react out of them time and time again.
Your schemas develop from your experiences starting at birth, so it’s not like you chose yours. Family, culture, religion, and biology influence them, so no two people develop the exact same ones. “Maladaptive schemas are normal reactions to abnormal life experiences,” say the authors of Why Can’t I Get What I Want, Drs. Elliott and Kirby Lassen. They say that schemas are developed from four channels that carry information to the brain:
• How you're treated
• How you maneuver your world
• What you hear
• What you see
For example, a child whose obese parents overate and were very physically inactive developed life-schemas that dictated his later health practices. When either parent tried to change their unhealthy habits the other would berate him/her for trying to effect genetics. So as not to upset anyone, that parent would go back to his/her usual bad lifestyle. From this repeated scenario their son developed these schemas:
• Other-centered: you shouldn’t do anything to upset your spouse
• Blameless: weight is totally determined by genetics; if you’re overweight it’s not your fault
• Powerless: it doesn't do any good to try to lose weight
As an overweight adult he found himself in an endless cycle of overeating and under-exercising, dieting, and slipping back into his old, unhealthy habits. He probably has no awareness whatsoever that his behavior is driven by his life-schemas.
Elliott and Kirby Lassen say that there are three life-schemas through which we view the world: self-worth, empowerment, and relationships. These “zones” intersect and influence each other.
The most elaborate of all the schemas is the self-schema; your beliefs about your own traits, strengths, weaknesses, preferences, and how you relate to others. Self-schema is the most important one because it’s fundamental to the others. If you have poor self-esteem you’ll also have problems with the empowerment and relationship areas. So, if you have a dependent-schema, meaning that you’re incapable of handling everyday decisions well, the thought of changing bad health habits may seem beyond you.
The second schema is the empowerment zone. This can also adversely affect the others; if you feel powerless, for instance, to make healthier life choices it depresses your self-esteem and can make you vulnerable in your relationships.
Finally, there’s the relationship-schema, which is also hugely important. Maladaptive schemas are the root of most problems and conflicts in relationships and represent your "hot buttons". Each person's schemas interact, oftentimes creating power struggles and conflicts. If you have an “other-centered”-schema you’ll likely avoid doing anything you think would upset another person. You may say yes when you really want to say no.
The good side of schemas is that they give a sense of order to your world. Without them you’d have to work at interpreting everyday experiences every time they occur.
The downside, however, is that your schemas can subconsciously mislead you by distorting your perceptions, thus your behavior.
So, if you worry about the negative effects of stress but do nothing about them, you must increase your awareness (always the first step) of the schemas that inhibit you from changing. Next week I’ll cover the most likely schema culprits for doing nothing to improve health habits.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her mission is to inspire people to live conscious lives of personal responsibility in relations with themselves and with others. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
InterAction Associates
239-693-8111
Training & Coaching with a purpose
Training Programs & Professional/Personal Development Coaching for:
Recruit & Retain the Best from all Four Generations
Building Diverse Teams
Workplace/Sexual Harassment
Decision Making
Interpersonal Skills
Confronting Sensitive Issues
Polished Public Speaking
Leadership & Team Building
Customer Service
Stress & Time Management
Creative Problem Solving
And more!
Stress for Success
July 18, 2006
Last week I addressed how “life-schemas” can explain why some of the 50 percent of Americans who worry that stress is wrecking their physical and mental health do nothing about it. Can a person’s mostly subconscious beliefs keep them in unhealthy lifestyle patterns decade after decade?
In short, the answer is a definite yes.
Everyone interprets life's events through their own personal "schema lens". Schemas are your beliefs about yourself and your world. You tend not to question them but rather react out of them time and time again.
Your schemas develop from your experiences starting at birth, so it’s not like you chose yours. Family, culture, religion, and biology influence them, so no two people develop the exact same ones. “Maladaptive schemas are normal reactions to abnormal life experiences,” say the authors of Why Can’t I Get What I Want, Drs. Elliott and Kirby Lassen. They say that schemas are developed from four channels that carry information to the brain:
• How you're treated
• How you maneuver your world
• What you hear
• What you see
For example, a child whose obese parents overate and were very physically inactive developed life-schemas that dictated his later health practices. When either parent tried to change their unhealthy habits the other would berate him/her for trying to effect genetics. So as not to upset anyone, that parent would go back to his/her usual bad lifestyle. From this repeated scenario their son developed these schemas:
• Other-centered: you shouldn’t do anything to upset your spouse
• Blameless: weight is totally determined by genetics; if you’re overweight it’s not your fault
• Powerless: it doesn't do any good to try to lose weight
As an overweight adult he found himself in an endless cycle of overeating and under-exercising, dieting, and slipping back into his old, unhealthy habits. He probably has no awareness whatsoever that his behavior is driven by his life-schemas.
Elliott and Kirby Lassen say that there are three life-schemas through which we view the world: self-worth, empowerment, and relationships. These “zones” intersect and influence each other.
The most elaborate of all the schemas is the self-schema; your beliefs about your own traits, strengths, weaknesses, preferences, and how you relate to others. Self-schema is the most important one because it’s fundamental to the others. If you have poor self-esteem you’ll also have problems with the empowerment and relationship areas. So, if you have a dependent-schema, meaning that you’re incapable of handling everyday decisions well, the thought of changing bad health habits may seem beyond you.
The second schema is the empowerment zone. This can also adversely affect the others; if you feel powerless, for instance, to make healthier life choices it depresses your self-esteem and can make you vulnerable in your relationships.
Finally, there’s the relationship-schema, which is also hugely important. Maladaptive schemas are the root of most problems and conflicts in relationships and represent your "hot buttons". Each person's schemas interact, oftentimes creating power struggles and conflicts. If you have an “other-centered”-schema you’ll likely avoid doing anything you think would upset another person. You may say yes when you really want to say no.
The good side of schemas is that they give a sense of order to your world. Without them you’d have to work at interpreting everyday experiences every time they occur.
The downside, however, is that your schemas can subconsciously mislead you by distorting your perceptions, thus your behavior.
So, if you worry about the negative effects of stress but do nothing about them, you must increase your awareness (always the first step) of the schemas that inhibit you from changing. Next week I’ll cover the most likely schema culprits for doing nothing to improve health habits.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her mission is to inspire people to live conscious lives of personal responsibility in relations with themselves and with others. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
InterAction Associates
239-693-8111
Training & Coaching with a purpose
Training Programs & Professional/Personal Development Coaching for:
Recruit & Retain the Best from all Four Generations
Building Diverse Teams
Workplace/Sexual Harassment
Decision Making
Interpersonal Skills
Confronting Sensitive Issues
Polished Public Speaking
Leadership & Team Building
Customer Service
Stress & Time Management
Creative Problem Solving
And more!
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Life schemas can keep you in bad habits decade after decade
Stress for Success
July 11, 2006
A recent Psychology Today sidebar article said that “half of Americans worry that stress is wrecking their mental and physical health, but very few are taking steps to tackle the problem.” Why?
It went on to say, “One in four Americans say they overeat to comfort themselves, while 25 percent of those who describe themselves as ‘very concerned’ about stress turn to cigarettes for relief of frustration and anxiety.”
Some of the very people who most need to do good things for themselves turn to bad habits. Why? And then why does it too often take a heart attack or some other serious physical breakdown to convince them to change?
Change, even small change that’s good for you, is difficult for everyone.
There are many reasons people continue with bad habits. Some do because they're in a state of denial; they don't think they have a problem. Others may experience "learned helplessness", which means they've learned to be helpless in certain areas of life so don't even bother trying to improve them. These people are often also depressed, yet another reason for not changing.
A helpful psychological explanation for why those who don't replace bad habits with good ones is that they have a "life schema" that holds them in the same unproductive behavior decade after decade, even in the face of deteriorating health.
“Schemas are an information processing program in our minds that interpret and organize life experiences, much as computer software organizes incoming information”, say Charles Elliott and Maureen Kirby-Lassen, authors of Why Can’t I Get What I Want? (Davies-Black Publishing, 1998.)
Schemas create our expectations, so we find what we look for. “You see the world not as it is, but as you are.” Stephen Covey. We interpret situations according to our schemas and react predictably to them.
For example, you received lukewarm applause after a presentation you gave. If you have an inadequate life schema you might respond by thinking, "I must have been really bad." If you have an entitlement life schema you might respond after the lukewarm applause with, "I can't believe they aren't applauding louder. What a lousy audience!"
If you’re one of those who knows stress is wrecking your health and you do nothing about it, perhaps you have a life schema that's getting in your way of changing. Identifying your schema roadblock, challenging it and ultimately changing it would have to happen before any change is likely to occur; and as importantly, to last.
Elliott and Kirby-Lassen say there are basically three types of schemas:
• Self-worth: which includes your sense of adequacy, worthiness, desirability and your ability to accept yourself
• Empowerment: which includes how assertive you are, how capable, empowered, and resilient you perceive yourself to be
• Relationship: which includes whether you’re centered upon yourself or others, your capacity for intimacy, your self-definition and your ability to trust
Which bad habits do you indulge in too frequently that you know you should change for your mental and/or physical well-being? Which areas in the above three schemas would you guess are impeding your ability to make the desired changes?
Over the next weeks we’ll take a closer look at how schemas function and what you can do about them.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her mission is to inspire people to live conscious lives of personal responsibility in relations with themselves and with others. E-mail her at http://www.jackieferguson.com/ or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
July 11, 2006
A recent Psychology Today sidebar article said that “half of Americans worry that stress is wrecking their mental and physical health, but very few are taking steps to tackle the problem.” Why?
It went on to say, “One in four Americans say they overeat to comfort themselves, while 25 percent of those who describe themselves as ‘very concerned’ about stress turn to cigarettes for relief of frustration and anxiety.”
Some of the very people who most need to do good things for themselves turn to bad habits. Why? And then why does it too often take a heart attack or some other serious physical breakdown to convince them to change?
Change, even small change that’s good for you, is difficult for everyone.
There are many reasons people continue with bad habits. Some do because they're in a state of denial; they don't think they have a problem. Others may experience "learned helplessness", which means they've learned to be helpless in certain areas of life so don't even bother trying to improve them. These people are often also depressed, yet another reason for not changing.
A helpful psychological explanation for why those who don't replace bad habits with good ones is that they have a "life schema" that holds them in the same unproductive behavior decade after decade, even in the face of deteriorating health.
“Schemas are an information processing program in our minds that interpret and organize life experiences, much as computer software organizes incoming information”, say Charles Elliott and Maureen Kirby-Lassen, authors of Why Can’t I Get What I Want? (Davies-Black Publishing, 1998.)
Schemas create our expectations, so we find what we look for. “You see the world not as it is, but as you are.” Stephen Covey. We interpret situations according to our schemas and react predictably to them.
For example, you received lukewarm applause after a presentation you gave. If you have an inadequate life schema you might respond by thinking, "I must have been really bad." If you have an entitlement life schema you might respond after the lukewarm applause with, "I can't believe they aren't applauding louder. What a lousy audience!"
If you’re one of those who knows stress is wrecking your health and you do nothing about it, perhaps you have a life schema that's getting in your way of changing. Identifying your schema roadblock, challenging it and ultimately changing it would have to happen before any change is likely to occur; and as importantly, to last.
Elliott and Kirby-Lassen say there are basically three types of schemas:
• Self-worth: which includes your sense of adequacy, worthiness, desirability and your ability to accept yourself
• Empowerment: which includes how assertive you are, how capable, empowered, and resilient you perceive yourself to be
• Relationship: which includes whether you’re centered upon yourself or others, your capacity for intimacy, your self-definition and your ability to trust
Which bad habits do you indulge in too frequently that you know you should change for your mental and/or physical well-being? Which areas in the above three schemas would you guess are impeding your ability to make the desired changes?
Over the next weeks we’ll take a closer look at how schemas function and what you can do about them.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her mission is to inspire people to live conscious lives of personal responsibility in relations with themselves and with others. E-mail her at http://www.jackieferguson.com/ or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Celebrate many benefits of living in free society
Stress for Success
July 4, 2006
The Fourth of July is like a big outdoor block party with lots of family, friends, food and fireworks. I love this day, and along with Thanksgiving, it has always been my favorite holiday. They're both such unifying celebrations because all Americans (or virtually all) commemorate them regardless of race, religion or region. And they represent two important American values: freedom and gratefulness.
To sustain our free society a contract between a democracy and its citizenry is essential: for every freedom there is a corresponding personal responsibility.
Let’s define freedom first. A thesaurus lists these synonyms: liberty, independence, choice, free will, autonomy, self-determination and lack of restrictions. Wow! That's a wonderful list of what this country affords us.
It’s truly revolutionary in the annals of human history that each of us has such liberty. To live successfully in a free society you need a great deal of self-determination. In other words, it’s your responsibility to determine what you want your life to be.
Once you figure that out you must then take the next step and make your desired life a reality. Big Brother isn’t here to make it happen for you. A great deal of personal accountability is required to make your vision come true; in other words, you must make the necessary choices to accomplish your goals.
Who you are today is the sum total of all of the choices, conscious and unconscious, that you’ve made over your lifetime, along with the luck of the draw regarding the circumstances of your birth and upbringing. You can’t do anything about the circumstances of your birth, but you do control the choices that you make.
If you've done a great job of taking advantage of our system and putting together a life you’re proud of and happy with, you can pat yourself on the back for your choices. If you're not happy with your life, hold yourself accountable for those choices that got you where you are. For a different life make new and better decisions.
Freedom also requires significant independence and self-sufficiency. For example, compared to socialist nations, our economic system is quite brutal. Our social safety net has much bigger holes in it, requiring us to hustle to make something happen should we lose a job or get into financial difficulty. It’s our responsibility to live within our means and to have a cushion for the down times (even if that means saving only $5 - $10/month every month, year after year.) Or after hurricanes, we’re learning that we must rely upon ourselves the first days after a storm vs. expect the government to come to our rescue immediately. It’s our responsibility to prepare ahead of time.
Another synonym for freedom is lack of restrictions. We certainly have many laws that restrict our behavior in this country, and some would say entirely too many. But compared to most societies we have significantly fewer limitations. (If I lived in Saudi Arabia, for instance, I, a woman, wouldn’t be allowed to drive or vote!) As citizens it’s our responsibility to be educated on the issues of the day and politicians’ stances on these issues and to vote accordingly.
Freedom is a wonderful thing when anchored by personal responsibility. I am free to make my choices and to be responsible for the consequences of them. It sounds fair to me.
Enjoy this great holiday!
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her mission is to inspire people to live conscious lives of personal responsibility in relations with themselves and with others. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
July 4, 2006
The Fourth of July is like a big outdoor block party with lots of family, friends, food and fireworks. I love this day, and along with Thanksgiving, it has always been my favorite holiday. They're both such unifying celebrations because all Americans (or virtually all) commemorate them regardless of race, religion or region. And they represent two important American values: freedom and gratefulness.
To sustain our free society a contract between a democracy and its citizenry is essential: for every freedom there is a corresponding personal responsibility.
Let’s define freedom first. A thesaurus lists these synonyms: liberty, independence, choice, free will, autonomy, self-determination and lack of restrictions. Wow! That's a wonderful list of what this country affords us.
It’s truly revolutionary in the annals of human history that each of us has such liberty. To live successfully in a free society you need a great deal of self-determination. In other words, it’s your responsibility to determine what you want your life to be.
Once you figure that out you must then take the next step and make your desired life a reality. Big Brother isn’t here to make it happen for you. A great deal of personal accountability is required to make your vision come true; in other words, you must make the necessary choices to accomplish your goals.
Who you are today is the sum total of all of the choices, conscious and unconscious, that you’ve made over your lifetime, along with the luck of the draw regarding the circumstances of your birth and upbringing. You can’t do anything about the circumstances of your birth, but you do control the choices that you make.
If you've done a great job of taking advantage of our system and putting together a life you’re proud of and happy with, you can pat yourself on the back for your choices. If you're not happy with your life, hold yourself accountable for those choices that got you where you are. For a different life make new and better decisions.
Freedom also requires significant independence and self-sufficiency. For example, compared to socialist nations, our economic system is quite brutal. Our social safety net has much bigger holes in it, requiring us to hustle to make something happen should we lose a job or get into financial difficulty. It’s our responsibility to live within our means and to have a cushion for the down times (even if that means saving only $5 - $10/month every month, year after year.) Or after hurricanes, we’re learning that we must rely upon ourselves the first days after a storm vs. expect the government to come to our rescue immediately. It’s our responsibility to prepare ahead of time.
Another synonym for freedom is lack of restrictions. We certainly have many laws that restrict our behavior in this country, and some would say entirely too many. But compared to most societies we have significantly fewer limitations. (If I lived in Saudi Arabia, for instance, I, a woman, wouldn’t be allowed to drive or vote!) As citizens it’s our responsibility to be educated on the issues of the day and politicians’ stances on these issues and to vote accordingly.
Freedom is a wonderful thing when anchored by personal responsibility. I am free to make my choices and to be responsible for the consequences of them. It sounds fair to me.
Enjoy this great holiday!
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her mission is to inspire people to live conscious lives of personal responsibility in relations with themselves and with others. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Overcome yes-but and the procrastination it causes
Stress for Success
June 27, 2006
If you want to be a successful procrastinator use the sure-fire technique, the yes-but. "Yes I know that I need to get that done, but not now." It works because it’s obvious what usually follows the but … nothing. "I'd love to apply for that job, but I'm probably not qualified." The yes indicates your interest in the job and the but is the excuse you need to put off trying to get it.
Are you a yes-buter? Dr. Arthur Freeman and Rose DeWolf, authors of The 10 Dumbest Mistakes Smart People Make, say a common reason you may procrastinate in uncomfortable situations is because you have a low tolerance for frustration. But since frustration is a fact of life you'll need to tolerate disagreeable circumstances better if you expect to overcome this very effective stalling practice.
Acknowledging the unpleasantness of your task can help. But don’t go overboard. If your self-talk exaggerates how distasteful the job is you’ll be right back into yes-but. Instead, consciously acknowledge the due date of your commitment and at minimum create a plan of action as described below.
Ultimately, to stop delaying you’ll need to change your yes-but to yes-and. Instead of, "I'd love to apply for that job, but I doubt I'm qualified", say "Yes, I'd love to apply for that job and I need to find out what the qualifications are." Yes-but gives you excuses. Yes-and shows you the steps you need to take.
"Delay is the deadliest form of denial," C. Northcote Parkinson said. So when you hear yourself use the yes-but as an excuse for procrastination immediately do the following:
• Write your project’s goal, e.g., "I want this job."
• Next, list all of the steps you’d need to take to get it, breaking them down
into bite-size pieces:
– Get the phone number for and call the organization for which you want to work
– Ask about the qualifications and if meet them get an application
– Fill out and send in the application
– Follow up with a phone call to the company
– Etc.
• Write down a deadline for each and every step.
• Then commit to each step, one by one. As Mao Tse-tung said, "The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step." Put one foot in front of the other and take one step at a time.
If you’re unwilling to follow through with these steps, decrease your stress by admitting to yourself that you have no intention of looking for this and possibly other jobs. Being honest with yourself about it means you’re being conscious of your choices. “I choose to not pursue this job because I assume I’m not qualified.” Staying conscious increases the likelihood that one day you’ll make a different choice. Perhaps you’ll even pursue a job you fear you’re not qualified for by throwing caution to the wind and researching whether or not you are.
Get out of the nothing-can-be-done mode and instead focus on a starting point. Each time you hear yourself say yes-but stop yourself and instead say yes-and to see what the implied action steps are that you can begin right now! Then start your journey one step at a time.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her mission is to inspire people to live conscious lives of personal responsibility in relations with themselves, with others. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
June 27, 2006
If you want to be a successful procrastinator use the sure-fire technique, the yes-but. "Yes I know that I need to get that done, but not now." It works because it’s obvious what usually follows the but … nothing. "I'd love to apply for that job, but I'm probably not qualified." The yes indicates your interest in the job and the but is the excuse you need to put off trying to get it.
Are you a yes-buter? Dr. Arthur Freeman and Rose DeWolf, authors of The 10 Dumbest Mistakes Smart People Make, say a common reason you may procrastinate in uncomfortable situations is because you have a low tolerance for frustration. But since frustration is a fact of life you'll need to tolerate disagreeable circumstances better if you expect to overcome this very effective stalling practice.
Acknowledging the unpleasantness of your task can help. But don’t go overboard. If your self-talk exaggerates how distasteful the job is you’ll be right back into yes-but. Instead, consciously acknowledge the due date of your commitment and at minimum create a plan of action as described below.
Ultimately, to stop delaying you’ll need to change your yes-but to yes-and. Instead of, "I'd love to apply for that job, but I doubt I'm qualified", say "Yes, I'd love to apply for that job and I need to find out what the qualifications are." Yes-but gives you excuses. Yes-and shows you the steps you need to take.
"Delay is the deadliest form of denial," C. Northcote Parkinson said. So when you hear yourself use the yes-but as an excuse for procrastination immediately do the following:
• Write your project’s goal, e.g., "I want this job."
• Next, list all of the steps you’d need to take to get it, breaking them down
into bite-size pieces:
– Get the phone number for and call the organization for which you want to work
– Ask about the qualifications and if meet them get an application
– Fill out and send in the application
– Follow up with a phone call to the company
– Etc.
• Write down a deadline for each and every step.
• Then commit to each step, one by one. As Mao Tse-tung said, "The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step." Put one foot in front of the other and take one step at a time.
If you’re unwilling to follow through with these steps, decrease your stress by admitting to yourself that you have no intention of looking for this and possibly other jobs. Being honest with yourself about it means you’re being conscious of your choices. “I choose to not pursue this job because I assume I’m not qualified.” Staying conscious increases the likelihood that one day you’ll make a different choice. Perhaps you’ll even pursue a job you fear you’re not qualified for by throwing caution to the wind and researching whether or not you are.
Get out of the nothing-can-be-done mode and instead focus on a starting point. Each time you hear yourself say yes-but stop yourself and instead say yes-and to see what the implied action steps are that you can begin right now! Then start your journey one step at a time.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her mission is to inspire people to live conscious lives of personal responsibility in relations with themselves, with others. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Chronic procrastinators need to just start
Stress for Success
June 20, 2006
"Procrastination is the fear of success. People procrastinate because they’re afraid of the success that they know will result if they move ahead now. Because success is heavy, carries a responsibility with it, it’s much easier to procrastinate and live on the ‘someday I'll’ philosophy." Denis Waitley.
Or if you prefer Mark Twain's take on procrastination, he said, "Never put off till tomorrow, what you can do the day after tomorrow."
No matter how you look at it, procrastination is a frustrating habit. But since it’s a learned one it can be overcome. But nothing will change until you get conscious about your habits.
If you’re a professional procrastinator you need to become aware that when you say "later" you really don't mean it. Thousands of “laters” create thousands of opportunities lost. So when you say "later" follow up with, "Later to me actually means never. Do I really want to get this done or not?"
Also become very cognizant of your avoidance habits, which you’ve probably perfected to the point that you engage in them automatically and unconsciously whenever you face an unpleasant task. Keep a journal of your thoughts and emotions when you're delaying. Follow these steps:
• Choose something you’ve procrastinated on each day.
• Describe the activity you put off. Was it unpleasant, confusing, uncomfortable or threatening?
• Write what you were thinking and feeling when you began to delay, for instance, "I can’t concentrate enough right now." Continue to record what you say and/or what you do to prolong your postponement.
• What was your outcome?
• Ask yourself why you're avoiding action. Is it a legitimate reason or just an excuse? Also ask yourself, "What discomfort am I evading?" Usually your answer is based on some unfounded fear.
To get going try these ideas.
• Timothy A. Pychyl, of Ottawa's Carlton University, runs a procrastination research group and suggests, "Make a deal with yourself and follow the 10- minute rule.” Acknowledge your desire to procrastinate then do the task for 10 minutes anyway, to initiate, the hardest step for chronic procrastinators. After working on it for 10 minutes decide whether to continue. Once you're involved, it's easy to stay with the task.
• If you have something to do, do it now or schedule it. If it's not worth the amount of time it takes to schedule, it's not going to get done "later."
• For larger projects write out your goal and list each step you have to take to accomplish it. Schedule each step in your calendar.
• Invest your energy on the important and ignore the trivial.
• Don't demean yourself when you procrastinate because it diminishes your self-esteem so you’re more likely to continue procrastinating.
• Keep a next steps list for all projects; one of the best ideas I've ever learned. For major projects I'm working on I keep a next steps list with an estimate of how long it’ll take to accomplish each one. If I have 15 minutes I'll look over my lists for something I can get done in less than 15 minutes. This furthers your progress in bits and pieces, which is great for those who procrastinate.
• Put the task right in front of you to avoid “out of sight out of mind”.
• Public commitment: Tell someone what you’re working on and when you’ll have it finished.
• Reward yourself when you’ve completed it. Do something just for fun. Give yourself a mental complement.
For chronic procrastinators remember the most important thing to do is just start! So what are you waiting for?
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her mission is to inspire people to live conscious lives of personal responsibility in relations with themselves, with others. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
June 20, 2006
"Procrastination is the fear of success. People procrastinate because they’re afraid of the success that they know will result if they move ahead now. Because success is heavy, carries a responsibility with it, it’s much easier to procrastinate and live on the ‘someday I'll’ philosophy." Denis Waitley.
Or if you prefer Mark Twain's take on procrastination, he said, "Never put off till tomorrow, what you can do the day after tomorrow."
No matter how you look at it, procrastination is a frustrating habit. But since it’s a learned one it can be overcome. But nothing will change until you get conscious about your habits.
If you’re a professional procrastinator you need to become aware that when you say "later" you really don't mean it. Thousands of “laters” create thousands of opportunities lost. So when you say "later" follow up with, "Later to me actually means never. Do I really want to get this done or not?"
Also become very cognizant of your avoidance habits, which you’ve probably perfected to the point that you engage in them automatically and unconsciously whenever you face an unpleasant task. Keep a journal of your thoughts and emotions when you're delaying. Follow these steps:
• Choose something you’ve procrastinated on each day.
• Describe the activity you put off. Was it unpleasant, confusing, uncomfortable or threatening?
• Write what you were thinking and feeling when you began to delay, for instance, "I can’t concentrate enough right now." Continue to record what you say and/or what you do to prolong your postponement.
• What was your outcome?
• Ask yourself why you're avoiding action. Is it a legitimate reason or just an excuse? Also ask yourself, "What discomfort am I evading?" Usually your answer is based on some unfounded fear.
To get going try these ideas.
• Timothy A. Pychyl, of Ottawa's Carlton University, runs a procrastination research group and suggests, "Make a deal with yourself and follow the 10- minute rule.” Acknowledge your desire to procrastinate then do the task for 10 minutes anyway, to initiate, the hardest step for chronic procrastinators. After working on it for 10 minutes decide whether to continue. Once you're involved, it's easy to stay with the task.
• If you have something to do, do it now or schedule it. If it's not worth the amount of time it takes to schedule, it's not going to get done "later."
• For larger projects write out your goal and list each step you have to take to accomplish it. Schedule each step in your calendar.
• Invest your energy on the important and ignore the trivial.
• Don't demean yourself when you procrastinate because it diminishes your self-esteem so you’re more likely to continue procrastinating.
• Keep a next steps list for all projects; one of the best ideas I've ever learned. For major projects I'm working on I keep a next steps list with an estimate of how long it’ll take to accomplish each one. If I have 15 minutes I'll look over my lists for something I can get done in less than 15 minutes. This furthers your progress in bits and pieces, which is great for those who procrastinate.
• Put the task right in front of you to avoid “out of sight out of mind”.
• Public commitment: Tell someone what you’re working on and when you’ll have it finished.
• Reward yourself when you’ve completed it. Do something just for fun. Give yourself a mental complement.
For chronic procrastinators remember the most important thing to do is just start! So what are you waiting for?
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her mission is to inspire people to live conscious lives of personal responsibility in relations with themselves, with others. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Take Time to Overcome Procrastination
Stress for Success
June 13, 2006
Have you ever seen “a round to it”? My husband made one for me years ago. It’s round in shape with the words, “to it” encircled, meaning when I get around to it I’ll get it done.
Do you put off something time and again until you get "around to it"? Does this habit get you into trouble with co-workers or family members?
Putting off until tomorrow --- or until never --- destroys more human potential than anything else. Since everyone has the same amount of time, 24 hours a day, the difference between being a Martha Stewart and a dreamer with big plans is usually a great deal of procrastination. It’s set into motion when you put off doing something that you tell yourself you'll get around to it tomorrow, a tomorrow that may never arrive.
I’m not addressing here the normal overload most of us experience that can lead to occasional procrastination. I’m referring to those who turn procrastination into an art form; those who shelve too many things at home and at work until a later time that seems will be better for whatever reason they can summon. I’m talking about those people who can waste an hour to avoid tackling an unpleasant five-minute task.
Dr. Donald Caruth and Gail Handlogten-Caruth, authors of Managing Compensation, identified seven causes (excuses) of procrastination. Identifying your major cause is the first step in overcoming it.
• Fear of success: success requires responsibility and many avoid personal responsibility
• Fear of failure is too great a fear for some to face; if you don't try you cannot fail
• Low frustration level for something that is too difficult or too uncomfortable making procrastination a viable option
• Misplaced priorities; when you don't know what's most important you can’t know where to begin, you may choose easy things to do first putting off the more important
• Poor time estimating; underestimating how long something will take makes it easy to delay because you can fit it in tomorrow; or you put it off because you think it’ll take too long and you don't have enough time right now
• Lack of motivation is common when the anticipated payoff is too small or the effort to produce seems too large
• Perfectionism paralyzes many people into inaction; perfectionists often suffer analysis paralysis, continually needing more information before a decision can be made resulting in procrastination
Timothy A. Pychyl, a professor of psychology at Ottawa's Carlton University, runs a procrastination research group and studies purposive behavior. He suggests that there are two basic ways of functioning in life. The first is the action-oriented approach where moving from task to task is easy. The other is the state-oriented approach, where there is a lot of inertia and procrastination.
State-oriented people rate tasks more negatively; they experience greater uncertainty, boredom, frustration and guilt than do action-oriented people. Frustration seems to be at the core of their procrastination. But irritation is a fact of life. To overcome procrastination they'll need to learn to tolerate frustration better.
Procrastination is a learned habit so you can learn to replace it with better habits. Next week I'll present several ideas to help you get around to it with less stress.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach in Lee County. Her mission is to inspire people to live a conscious life of personal responsibility in relations with themselves, with others and with the environment. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
June 13, 2006
Have you ever seen “a round to it”? My husband made one for me years ago. It’s round in shape with the words, “to it” encircled, meaning when I get around to it I’ll get it done.
Do you put off something time and again until you get "around to it"? Does this habit get you into trouble with co-workers or family members?
Putting off until tomorrow --- or until never --- destroys more human potential than anything else. Since everyone has the same amount of time, 24 hours a day, the difference between being a Martha Stewart and a dreamer with big plans is usually a great deal of procrastination. It’s set into motion when you put off doing something that you tell yourself you'll get around to it tomorrow, a tomorrow that may never arrive.
I’m not addressing here the normal overload most of us experience that can lead to occasional procrastination. I’m referring to those who turn procrastination into an art form; those who shelve too many things at home and at work until a later time that seems will be better for whatever reason they can summon. I’m talking about those people who can waste an hour to avoid tackling an unpleasant five-minute task.
Dr. Donald Caruth and Gail Handlogten-Caruth, authors of Managing Compensation, identified seven causes (excuses) of procrastination. Identifying your major cause is the first step in overcoming it.
• Fear of success: success requires responsibility and many avoid personal responsibility
• Fear of failure is too great a fear for some to face; if you don't try you cannot fail
• Low frustration level for something that is too difficult or too uncomfortable making procrastination a viable option
• Misplaced priorities; when you don't know what's most important you can’t know where to begin, you may choose easy things to do first putting off the more important
• Poor time estimating; underestimating how long something will take makes it easy to delay because you can fit it in tomorrow; or you put it off because you think it’ll take too long and you don't have enough time right now
• Lack of motivation is common when the anticipated payoff is too small or the effort to produce seems too large
• Perfectionism paralyzes many people into inaction; perfectionists often suffer analysis paralysis, continually needing more information before a decision can be made resulting in procrastination
Timothy A. Pychyl, a professor of psychology at Ottawa's Carlton University, runs a procrastination research group and studies purposive behavior. He suggests that there are two basic ways of functioning in life. The first is the action-oriented approach where moving from task to task is easy. The other is the state-oriented approach, where there is a lot of inertia and procrastination.
State-oriented people rate tasks more negatively; they experience greater uncertainty, boredom, frustration and guilt than do action-oriented people. Frustration seems to be at the core of their procrastination. But irritation is a fact of life. To overcome procrastination they'll need to learn to tolerate frustration better.
Procrastination is a learned habit so you can learn to replace it with better habits. Next week I'll present several ideas to help you get around to it with less stress.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach in Lee County. Her mission is to inspire people to live a conscious life of personal responsibility in relations with themselves, with others and with the environment. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Monday, June 05, 2006
Communicate strong emotions honestly, when appropriate
Stress for Success
June 6, 2006
Communicating honestly about strong emotions is difficult for most of us. If you’ve buried your feelings over your lifetime you’ve probably built up a reservoir and may fear the consequences of ever letting it out. Yet by holding them in you’re perpetuating the status quo. In other words, you're part of the problem yourself.
But what’s the best way for you to express yourself emotionally?
1980s pop psychology encouraged the "let it all out" approach. Banging the table or stomping the floor would allow you to express your strong feelings without aggression toward another person. However this approach proved to be ineffective.
According to Emmons & Alberti, authors of Your Perfect Right, (the groundbreaking assertiveness book) more recent research suggests that expressing your emotions gives you only momentary relief. It's the “stored memory” of past and upsetting experiences that needs to be resolved to truly deal with the emotions they trigger.
We were also told that angry feelings get released through aggressive acts. However, the result of shouting obscenities, for instance, is that you simply learn to handle anger aggressively without solving the problem.
One of the least effective ways of expressing strong emotions is to talk to somebody who isn’t the person with whom you're upset. Venting about someone you're unhappy with can be helpful, but only if it leads to moving on or to problem solving. The trouble, however, is that the venting often turns into whining. I've written many times about how excessive whining leads to a state of victimhood. Complaining and blaming day after day after day develop into a helpless cycle making you a victim to the person who's upsetting to you, increasing your resentment and your stress.
Additionally, doing nothing to problem solve what triggers your anger is very bad for your health. Duke University research psychiatrist, Redford Williams, and his colleagues have identified a "hostility syndrome", a collection of attitudinal and behavioral traits, which predict heart disease with astonishing accuracy. They found three major factors in toxic anger:
• Cynical thoughts
• Angry feelings
• Aggressive behavior
Their conclusion is that chronic anger can be deadly. (Most of the research has been done on men and limited data on women show a similar pattern.)
Williams along with his wife, Virginia, offers a "Hostility Roadmap". Your answers to these questions can help you determine if it's worth your energy to be honest with someone about your anger.
• Is the matter worth my continued attention? How big a deal is it really?
• Am I justified? How right am I really?
• Do I have an effective response?
If you decide that you want to communicate honestly about your angry feelings:
• Accept personal responsibility for your own anger; don't make the other person the cause of it.
• Say something assertively without violating the rights of the person you address.
• Make your goal to resolve the problem vs. vent, get even or make the other person feel bad.
• Keep in mind that expressing your anger alone won’t resolve the problem. After assertively expressing yourself move quickly into problem-solving.
To have more honesty in your relationships it's important to communicate strong emotions, especially anger, when appropriate. Holding in your emotions simply extends and usually exacerbates the problem. If this remains very difficult for you, consult a counselor or take assertiveness training to develop the skills necessary for honestly expressing your emotions.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach in Lee County. Her mission is to inspire people to live a conscious life of personal responsibility in relations with themselves, with others and with the environment. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
June 6, 2006
Communicating honestly about strong emotions is difficult for most of us. If you’ve buried your feelings over your lifetime you’ve probably built up a reservoir and may fear the consequences of ever letting it out. Yet by holding them in you’re perpetuating the status quo. In other words, you're part of the problem yourself.
But what’s the best way for you to express yourself emotionally?
1980s pop psychology encouraged the "let it all out" approach. Banging the table or stomping the floor would allow you to express your strong feelings without aggression toward another person. However this approach proved to be ineffective.
According to Emmons & Alberti, authors of Your Perfect Right, (the groundbreaking assertiveness book) more recent research suggests that expressing your emotions gives you only momentary relief. It's the “stored memory” of past and upsetting experiences that needs to be resolved to truly deal with the emotions they trigger.
We were also told that angry feelings get released through aggressive acts. However, the result of shouting obscenities, for instance, is that you simply learn to handle anger aggressively without solving the problem.
One of the least effective ways of expressing strong emotions is to talk to somebody who isn’t the person with whom you're upset. Venting about someone you're unhappy with can be helpful, but only if it leads to moving on or to problem solving. The trouble, however, is that the venting often turns into whining. I've written many times about how excessive whining leads to a state of victimhood. Complaining and blaming day after day after day develop into a helpless cycle making you a victim to the person who's upsetting to you, increasing your resentment and your stress.
Additionally, doing nothing to problem solve what triggers your anger is very bad for your health. Duke University research psychiatrist, Redford Williams, and his colleagues have identified a "hostility syndrome", a collection of attitudinal and behavioral traits, which predict heart disease with astonishing accuracy. They found three major factors in toxic anger:
• Cynical thoughts
• Angry feelings
• Aggressive behavior
Their conclusion is that chronic anger can be deadly. (Most of the research has been done on men and limited data on women show a similar pattern.)
Williams along with his wife, Virginia, offers a "Hostility Roadmap". Your answers to these questions can help you determine if it's worth your energy to be honest with someone about your anger.
• Is the matter worth my continued attention? How big a deal is it really?
• Am I justified? How right am I really?
• Do I have an effective response?
If you decide that you want to communicate honestly about your angry feelings:
• Accept personal responsibility for your own anger; don't make the other person the cause of it.
• Say something assertively without violating the rights of the person you address.
• Make your goal to resolve the problem vs. vent, get even or make the other person feel bad.
• Keep in mind that expressing your anger alone won’t resolve the problem. After assertively expressing yourself move quickly into problem-solving.
To have more honesty in your relationships it's important to communicate strong emotions, especially anger, when appropriate. Holding in your emotions simply extends and usually exacerbates the problem. If this remains very difficult for you, consult a counselor or take assertiveness training to develop the skills necessary for honestly expressing your emotions.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach in Lee County. Her mission is to inspire people to live a conscious life of personal responsibility in relations with themselves, with others and with the environment. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Healthy relationships require honesty
Stress for Success
May 30, 2006
Your boss has a habit of wrapping criticisms of you into compliments. "You did a great job on that report. The grammatical errors made it seem folksy."
What do you do? Do you let it slide? Do you get defensive and snap back? Or do you state clearly and honestly your reaction to it?
Each and every day we make decisions about whether or not to be honest with others. Usually, being candid is very important to the health of relationships, although complete honesty may be harmful -- you don't have to tell someone he’s packing on a few pounds, for instance.
There are many benefits to honest relationships including attracting more trustworthy, open and supportive people according to Julian Rotter of the University of Connecticut. Less candid people tend to attract disloyal, unreliable, and evasive people.
So, if honesty in relationships is so healthy why don't we always tell the truth? Here are typical reasons people give:
• To avoid hurt feelings
• To not upset someone
• To make yourself look better
• It’s not worth your energy
• It would be embarrassing
Only you can decide whether or not to be honest with someone. When hesitant to speak the truth, ask yourself three questions to put the consequences of your honesty into perspective:
• What’s the worst that can happen?
• The best?
• The most likely?
In my example the worst might be that my boss fires me. The best might be that he’d be more direct with me. The most likely could be that he’d say he didn't know what I meant but might be less likely to disguise his criticisms in the future.
When someone’s treating you in an unacceptable fashion it's usually worth your effort to be frank. Think of this quote, "I train people how to treat me." Source unknown. In other words, you're partly responsible for the treatment you’re receiving. In the example above by allowing his putdowns you’ve trained him that it's OK to insult you in this passive-aggressive way.
The good news is you can train people to treat you differently, but you have to do something different. Consider being honest with him.
Use a great assertive technique, the Feedback Statement, which helps you say almost anything to almost anybody more effectively. It gets you to think before you speak in a problem-solving way. It has three steps:
1. Describe the situation you’re referring to
2. Say how you feel about it (if you want)
3. Say what you'd like to see done about it
"When you make comments like that I feel confused because it seems like you're actually criticizing me. I’d appreciate it if you’d tell me directly what you want me to change in my work."
If your boss has been criticizing this way for some time you’ll need to say something to him multiple times before he becomes more direct with you. And let's face it, some people will never change no matter how often you sincerely request the change.
Here are two additional thoughts to help you develop more honest relationships:
• Consciously identify your positive desired outcome before saying anything. In the above example, your goal is to ask your boss to be more straightforward. If you would’ve said, "You're insulting me when you say things like that", your goal may have been to make your boss look bad.
• Approach the person out of love versus fear. Not that you love your boss necessarily but differentiate between assuming the best of someone versus reacting defensively out of fear. Giving him the benefit of the doubt helps you communicate non-defensively, which generally means your message will be better received.
No one is honest in their relationships all of the time. You need to weigh the consequences of saying nothing against the most likely outcome of speaking up. To create healthier relationships it's in your best interest to be truthful far more often than not.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach in Lee County. Her mission is to inspire people to live a conscious life of personal responsibility in relations with themselves, with others and with the environment. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
May 30, 2006
Your boss has a habit of wrapping criticisms of you into compliments. "You did a great job on that report. The grammatical errors made it seem folksy."
What do you do? Do you let it slide? Do you get defensive and snap back? Or do you state clearly and honestly your reaction to it?
Each and every day we make decisions about whether or not to be honest with others. Usually, being candid is very important to the health of relationships, although complete honesty may be harmful -- you don't have to tell someone he’s packing on a few pounds, for instance.
There are many benefits to honest relationships including attracting more trustworthy, open and supportive people according to Julian Rotter of the University of Connecticut. Less candid people tend to attract disloyal, unreliable, and evasive people.
So, if honesty in relationships is so healthy why don't we always tell the truth? Here are typical reasons people give:
• To avoid hurt feelings
• To not upset someone
• To make yourself look better
• It’s not worth your energy
• It would be embarrassing
Only you can decide whether or not to be honest with someone. When hesitant to speak the truth, ask yourself three questions to put the consequences of your honesty into perspective:
• What’s the worst that can happen?
• The best?
• The most likely?
In my example the worst might be that my boss fires me. The best might be that he’d be more direct with me. The most likely could be that he’d say he didn't know what I meant but might be less likely to disguise his criticisms in the future.
When someone’s treating you in an unacceptable fashion it's usually worth your effort to be frank. Think of this quote, "I train people how to treat me." Source unknown. In other words, you're partly responsible for the treatment you’re receiving. In the example above by allowing his putdowns you’ve trained him that it's OK to insult you in this passive-aggressive way.
The good news is you can train people to treat you differently, but you have to do something different. Consider being honest with him.
Use a great assertive technique, the Feedback Statement, which helps you say almost anything to almost anybody more effectively. It gets you to think before you speak in a problem-solving way. It has three steps:
1. Describe the situation you’re referring to
2. Say how you feel about it (if you want)
3. Say what you'd like to see done about it
"When you make comments like that I feel confused because it seems like you're actually criticizing me. I’d appreciate it if you’d tell me directly what you want me to change in my work."
If your boss has been criticizing this way for some time you’ll need to say something to him multiple times before he becomes more direct with you. And let's face it, some people will never change no matter how often you sincerely request the change.
Here are two additional thoughts to help you develop more honest relationships:
• Consciously identify your positive desired outcome before saying anything. In the above example, your goal is to ask your boss to be more straightforward. If you would’ve said, "You're insulting me when you say things like that", your goal may have been to make your boss look bad.
• Approach the person out of love versus fear. Not that you love your boss necessarily but differentiate between assuming the best of someone versus reacting defensively out of fear. Giving him the benefit of the doubt helps you communicate non-defensively, which generally means your message will be better received.
No one is honest in their relationships all of the time. You need to weigh the consequences of saying nothing against the most likely outcome of speaking up. To create healthier relationships it's in your best interest to be truthful far more often than not.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach in Lee County. Her mission is to inspire people to live a conscious life of personal responsibility in relations with themselves, with others and with the environment. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Honesty begins with being truthful with yourself
Stress for Success
May 23, 2006
To develop honesty as a personal trait, doesn't it make sense that you have to begin by being truthful with yourself? Oftentimes, especially when you're doing something you're not particularly proud of, it's easier to deceive yourself. You could blame relationship problems on others or health problems on McDonald's. But you'll only sleep well when you have an honorable relationship with yourself.
To be straightforward with yourself you must live a conscious life, the opposite of living in denial. This means you have to become consciously aware of things you do. For purposes of this article I’ll focus on becoming more conscious of the bad habits you’ve developed. (You can apply this same concept, however, to becoming more aware of any behavior.)
It never ceases to amaze me how people can be so unconscious about their bad habits. If you’ve overeaten for the past 20 years and wonder why your back, knees, and ankles hurt, just step on the scale and see how much weight you've gained. I know many people who once they lose weight marvel at how much better their joints feel. Of course they feel better!
The same thing goes for any bad habit you indulge in too frequently. Too much smoking, drinking, drugs, sedentary lifestyle take their toll after a while --- unless you’re lucky enough to have incredibly resilient genes. (To be safe, assume that you don’t.)
Whenever you indulge in one of your bad habits, you probably remain unconscious about your behavior. This means you’re just reacting automatically without thinking; you’re not paying attention --- you’re just doing it.
To be conscious means that you need to observe yourself while you're doing whatever it is you want to become more aware of. If your bad habit is overeating whenever you're feeling down, observe your fixated-self as you go to the freezer and seize the tub of ice cream and snatch a spoon so you can scoop it down.
What was going on right before you indulged? Notice how you felt when it hit your system. Observe how you felt afterwards.
The information you gather, including how you feel emotionally before, during and after consuming your chosen tranquilizer, helps you become more conscious. You don't have to stop the bad habit. Just become consciously aware of what you're doing when you're doing it.
Another important step to living more consciously in your quest for greater self-honesty, is to notice when you’re criticizing yourself about your bad habit. Instead of criticizing, consciously tell yourself that you choose to continue this habit. This increases your sense of personal responsibility so you’re less likely to fall victim to your own automatic behavior, a helpless and very stressful state.
By repeatedly reminding yourself that you choose this unhealthy behavior someday hopefully you’ll think, "What am I doing? If I choose to do this I can also choose not to do it." Being cognizant of your choice is a necessary prerequisite to pave the way to making healthier choices.
To change any behavior in yourself that you're uncomfortable with, the first and foremost thing you need to do is to become conscious of it. You cannot change anything unless you’re mindful of what it is and when you're doing it. The more aware you become the harder it is to deceive yourself. Only when you're honest with yourself will you take personal responsibility and change.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach in Lee County. Her mission is to inspire people to live a conscious life of personal responsibility in relations with themselves, with others and with the environment. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
Stress for Success
May 23, 2006
To develop honesty as a personal trait, doesn't it make sense that you have to begin by being truthful with yourself? Oftentimes, especially when you're doing something you're not particularly proud of, it's easier to deceive yourself. You could blame relationship problems on others or health problems on McDonald's. But you'll only sleep well when you have an honorable relationship with yourself.
To be straightforward with yourself you must live a conscious life, the opposite of living in denial. This means you have to become consciously aware of things you do. For purposes of this article I’ll focus on becoming more conscious of the bad habits you’ve developed. (You can apply this same concept, however, to becoming more aware of any behavior.)
It never ceases to amaze me how people can be so unconscious about their bad habits. If you’ve overeaten for the past 20 years and wonder why your back, knees, and ankles hurt, just step on the scale and see how much weight you've gained. I know many people who once they lose weight marvel at how much better their joints feel. Of course they feel better!
The same thing goes for any bad habit you indulge in too frequently. Too much smoking, drinking, drugs, sedentary lifestyle take their toll after a while --- unless you’re lucky enough to have incredibly resilient genes. (To be safe, assume that you don’t.)
Whenever you indulge in one of your bad habits, you probably remain unconscious about your behavior. This means you’re just reacting automatically without thinking; you’re not paying attention --- you’re just doing it.
To be conscious means that you need to observe yourself while you're doing whatever it is you want to become more aware of. If your bad habit is overeating whenever you're feeling down, observe your fixated-self as you go to the freezer and seize the tub of ice cream and snatch a spoon so you can scoop it down.
What was going on right before you indulged? Notice how you felt when it hit your system. Observe how you felt afterwards.
The information you gather, including how you feel emotionally before, during and after consuming your chosen tranquilizer, helps you become more conscious. You don't have to stop the bad habit. Just become consciously aware of what you're doing when you're doing it.
Another important step to living more consciously in your quest for greater self-honesty, is to notice when you’re criticizing yourself about your bad habit. Instead of criticizing, consciously tell yourself that you choose to continue this habit. This increases your sense of personal responsibility so you’re less likely to fall victim to your own automatic behavior, a helpless and very stressful state.
By repeatedly reminding yourself that you choose this unhealthy behavior someday hopefully you’ll think, "What am I doing? If I choose to do this I can also choose not to do it." Being cognizant of your choice is a necessary prerequisite to pave the way to making healthier choices.
To change any behavior in yourself that you're uncomfortable with, the first and foremost thing you need to do is to become conscious of it. You cannot change anything unless you’re mindful of what it is and when you're doing it. The more aware you become the harder it is to deceive yourself. Only when you're honest with yourself will you take personal responsibility and change.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach in Lee County. Her mission is to inspire people to live a conscious life of personal responsibility in relations with themselves, with others and with the environment. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.
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