Simple steps for finding great spouse
Stress for Success
September 22, 2009

In the 1990s I conducted a crazy, evening workshop, “How to Find and Keep a Mate.” In city after city my audiences consisted of hundreds of mostly disgruntled women and a few curious men. My approach to this topic was to pursue what gives you meaning and pleasure. By doing so you’ll put yourself in contact with like-minded people. And if you’re happy you’ll attract happier people. If you’re depressed you’ll repel some – or you’ll attract other despondent souls.

It seems the more you look for a partner the less likely you are to find one; thus my approach for this program. But here are some thoughts to use in your search:

• Put yourself out there. Escaping through nightly TV is a recipe for meeting no one. What interests you? Tennis? Volunteering? Go do it, but not exclusively for meeting a potential mate but rather for your own good.
• Consider on-line dating to see who’s out there.
• “Love the one you’re with.” This 1970 Stephen Stills song was my anthem. I knew I didn’t want to settle down as I was soon entering the Peace Corps. I had seen too many (mostly) females turn every date into a potential candidate for marriage. What pressure! Think about it logically: if you date twenty people, and on average you’ll marry just two to three of them, then you’ll never marry the vast majority. Just enjoy their company and don’t try to force a relationship.
• Sometimes good enough is truly good enough. Too many people have unrealistic, expectations of finding the perfect mate. They don’t exist! And even if you think you’ve found one it’ll take only a few months to discover their imperfections.
• Broaden your horizons: Do you reject those who are less than perfect? Consider changing. If you only date those with advanced degrees, date someone with no degree or a lesser one. If you only date beautiful people, date someone who doesn’t rise to that standard. You may surprise yourself with whom you find enjoyment.
• Write ten qualities that represent your values that you want your ideal mate to have (like humor versus which type of car does s/he drives). Are there deal-breaker traits, like not wanting kids? It’s important to know these ahead of time.
• “Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you,” asked my father of any of us kids who’d been dumped. It rang very true with me so when a boyfriend pulled away from me I’d give him space with no attempt to reel him back in. To a person they couldn’t stand my indifference to their distancing themselves. But I truly didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t want to be with me. Duh!

There’s much research documenting how healthy, close relationships protect you from the ravages of stress. The key word is “healthy”. Whatever makes you feel good about yourself is what’s truly healthy for you. Don’t settle for anything less.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Her new book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, is now available at www.letyourbodywin.com. Go to her blog, http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com for past articles.

Changing something about yourself can be stressful
Stress for Success
September 1, 2009

Virtually everyone has something about themselves they don’t like. Whether it’s a habit like smoking or a perceived interpersonal deficit like defensiveness, we all have something we’d like to change about ourselves.

Forcing yourself to change probably doesn’t work. Last week I addressed an important reason why: ambivalence. While you want to change for certain reasons at the same time you don’t want to for others. Since all change equals stress any behavioral modification triggers your fear of the unknown. Until you consciously process these opposing forces you’re unlikely to make progress.

For example, you’re working very long hours to increase your income to pay your bills but also neglecting your family in the process. To make tough decisions about work/life balance it helps to identify and reconcile this tug-of-war: make more money and spend more time with your family. Becoming more aware of your mental conflict can create discomfort with the status quo, which can motivate you to figure out a better balance.

To support clarifying and challenging your ambivalence, apply Dr. Mary Ann Chapman’s advice, “The key to breaking a bad habit (remaining too sedentary) and adopting a good one (exercising) is making changes in your daily life that minimize the influence of the now and remind you of the later.” In other words:
* Minimize the immediate reward of doing nothing (the nonthreatening TV watching versus exercising);
* Make the long-term negative consequences of not exercising (carrying too much weight causing physical discomfort or depression and anxiety) seem more immediate;

Instead of excuse after excuse to avoid exercise, remind yourself how tired you are of being exhausted and emotionally stuck.

Another vital tool to help you change is becoming much more consciously aware of your disagreeable behavior. Observing yourself exhibiting this unwanted behavior is called mindfulness or the observing self. For instance, if you express your stress through over-eating, observe yourself as you stuff yourself. Don’t try to change it, just watch it. The derived awareness is a huge help in changing at some point.

Susan, a coaching client, observed herself overeating for a month. It put her much more in touch with the stressors that were triggering it. She learned that her main trigger was phone calls from her parents. Becoming mindful of this connection motivated her to replace eating with yoga after a parental phone call.

Mindfulness requires personal responsibility as well as cultivates it. It’s much easier to blame your weight gain on genetics or rationalizations like, “eating helps me cope.” But, observing yourself exhibiting this self-destructive habit drives home to you that you alone are in charge of what you put inside your mouth.

Most change is very difficult. To be successful you must be patient, persistent and above all conscious of yourself as you engage in your undesirable behavior. Scare yourself a bit with the negative consequences of changing nothing. With time you’ll hopefully become uncomfortable enough with the status quo to take the leap and make the desired change.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Her new book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, is now available at www.letyourbodywin.com. Go to her blog, http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com for past articles.

Listen to your hesitations if you want to modify your behavior
Stress for Success
August 25, 2009

What’s the most difficult change you’ve ever attempted? Losing weight, quitting drinking or smoking? It’s tough. If change were easy we wouldn’t continue to have 20% of American adults smoking, more than 30% being significantly overweight and about 15% binge drinking.

Whether you’re trying to change your jealous ways or accomplish a New Year’s resolution you may assume any failure is because of your stubborn, self-sabotaging or addictive ways. But in “Ambivalence in Psychotherapy” authors David Angola and Hal Arkowitz argue that dealing with ambivalence is vital to paving the way to change.

People who want to change but can’t (won’t) are pulled in two competing directions by opposite motivations: to change and to stay the same. The balance between these predicts who changes and who doesn’t

Ambivalence is fed by:
* The status quo being familiar and predictable, albeit possibly uncomfortable, and change being unpredictable and anxiety producing;
* The fear of feeling even worse if you fail in your efforts;
* Others pushing you to change so you may resist because your independence feels threatened;
* Faulty beliefs, like “I can’t socialize unless I’ve had a few drinks;”
* The clinging to the undesirable behavior because it serves and important function, like the alcoholic who finds that drinking relieves stress and depression – temporarily; changing (stopping drinking) may eliminate their only way to deal with this distress.

Of course, to help someone change it’s important that they want to change. Pressuring them is likely to backfire. Researchers at the University of New Mexico found that for problem drinkers, directive-confrontational therapy led to significantly more resistance and poorer outcomes one year later than more supportive approaches.

One of these researchers, William Miller and another, psychologist Stephen Rollnick of the Cardiff University School of Medicine in Wales, developed the therapeutic approach, “motivational interviewing.” This attempts to improve the client’s natural motivation to change by exploring and resolving his ambivalence. The goal is to put the client (rather than the therapist) into the driver’s seat for change. The therapist – or loved one - sees a client’s resistance to change as ambivalence to be understood rather than opposed.

To help resolve ambivalence the therapist is supportive and points out the client’s statements that reflect conflict between his behavior and values. E.g., “So you value exercise but your smoking makes it difficult.” Awareness of such inconsistencies creates discomfort with the status quo therefore increases motivation to change. To help resolve ambivalence the therapist focuses more on the client’s words about changing versus their unwillingness to change. Once those uncertainties are dealt with, behavioral change is more likely to occur. In fact, University of Arizona researchers found a 51% improvement rate for motivational interviewing compared with 37% for other interventions or no treatment at all.

You can use this same approach to help yourself or a loved one transform. Listening to and understanding your hesitations to change versus pressuring yourself to change can tip the balance in favor of taking the plunge and actually making the change.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Her new book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, is now available at www.letyourbodywin.com. Go to her blog, http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com for past articles.

Procrastination seldom pays off
Personality traits add to propensity to delay
Stress for Success
August 18, 2009

When you have an unpleasant task that’s tedious, distasteful, or daunting do you put it off? Do you exaggerate its unpleasantness by avoiding it instead of reaping the rewards for acting now? If so, you likely allow other activities to distract you while you promise you’ll get to it tomorrow. When tomorrow comes, you probably find another excuse.

University of Calgary economist Piers Steel defines procrastination as “voluntarily delaying an intended course of action despite expecting to be worse off for the delay.” Fifteen to 20% of adults routinely delay activities that would be better accomplished now. His 2007 meta-analysis found 80 - 95% of college students procrastinate regularly!

But postponement takes its toll:
* Financial: how many Baby Boomers put off saving for retirement?
* Job loss: chronic procrastinators could make their jobs vulnerable due to being inefficient;
* Endangering health: a 2006 study by psychologist Fuschia Sirois of the University of Windsor in Ontario found that procrastinators had more stress and acute health problems than those who were more timely.

Certain genetic characteristics increase the likelihood that you’ll pick up this habit, such as these “five big personality traits”:
* Conscientiousness
* Agreeableness
* Neuroticism
* Openness
* Extroversion

The extent to which a person exhibits each of these traits influences their likelihood to procrastinate. The characteristic most strongly linked to procrastination is the lack of conscientiousness. A highly conscientious person is responsible, action-oriented and productive so less likely to dilly-dally.

Impulsive people are also at risk for procrastination due to their more spontaneous approach to life and responsibilities.

Anyone is likely to dawdle over something they have an uneasy feeling about and stalling allows them to avoid the discomfort. The most common drivers of procrastination include:
* Anxiety such as fear of failure (anxiety being an offshoot of neuroticism): for example, not studying for a test after which you console yourself by thinking, “If I’d studied harder I would have done better.”
* Avoidance of discomfort: like avoiding confronting a conflict;
* Indecision: can’t make up your mind about executing a task so you resist until enough time passes that there’s no reason to do the task you’re avoiding.
* Arousal: you claim you work best under pressure and love the high of your own adrenaline but it’s just an excuse to rationalize dragging your feet.

Recognizing your procrastination drivers can help you overcome them. Regardless of the reasons, the most common advice to limit procrastination is to:
* Replace your automatic tendency to postpone with specific goals, action steps and deadlines. For example, instead of setting vague goals like, “I’ll market myself,” be more specific, “I’ll spend 9 – 11:00 a.m. daily in promotional activities.”
* Just get started. Do any step, even if only a tiny one. Any impetus is good.

Typically, negative anticipation of any given task is worse than jumping in and getting it done. So go for a twofer: get something done on time and reduce your stress! Just do it! (Now I’m off to do my marketing.)

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Her new book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, IS NOW available at www.letyourbodywin.com. Go to her blog, http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com for past articles.

Perfectionism causes more stress than it’s worth
Put more time in your life and don’t sweat it
Stress for Success
August 11, 2009

Do you need life to be perfect? What happens when it isn’t? Are you perceived as imperfect yourself? Is that what worries you?

Here’s a perfect (forgive the pun) definition of a perfectionist: “One who takes great pains and gives them to others.” Source unknown.

For example, when you have guests coming for dinner, do you exhaust yourself obsessively cleaning and cooking for them so that preparation becomes more important than your guests? Is preparation truly your top priority for the evening?

Part of the problem with perfectionists is that they tend to see things as white and black: either you prepare perfectly or not at all. So the perfectionist knocks herself out and ends up yawning over dinner.

Women more than men have been socialized to be perfect: perfectly nice, to NEVER hurt anyone’s feelings, to always be clean and smell good (your homes, too), and not to lose your temper – it’s very unladylike.

I’ve known a few male perfectionists but far more women.

Part of the problem for any perfectionist, male or female, is that we judge others by our own impossible standards. Who can live up to them? And when they don’t, we become judgmental of them leading to more conflict and stress.

To decrease your perfectionist expectations of others start with this rule (be careful how you read this): “I won’t should on you if you won’t should on me.” Source unknown.

When someone disappoints you, listen for the “should” in your assessment of what they’re doing “wrong.”

For example, your boss didn’t give you any positive feedback on your recent project that was widely praised by others. Your reaction was, “If I were the boss I’d compliment employees’ good work.” You’re shoulding on him. The implied should is, “He should give positive feedback.”

No doubt employees’ good work should be praised. But has your boss complimented you historically? If not, what leads you to expect him to change?

The problem is that through your perfectionist (and judgmental) eyes, you think it’s perfectly realistic to expect that he will. But that’s where most of your stress is coming from – your unrealistic expectations that someone beyond your control will change. Your stress is far less from his actual lack of approval.

To reduce at least some of your perfectionism follow additional advice, some of which is from “How to Put More Time into Your Life” by Dr. Dru Scott:
* Strive for excellence not perfection.
* Get comfortable with “good enough” for lesser priorities.
* Use headlines in books and magazines to choose what to read.
* Prioritize your responsibilities. Ask if the time required to accomplish unimportant tasks would be better spend on something that’s a higher priority.
* Each day, do at least one thing imperfectly.

Take it from a recovering perfectionist, perfectionism causes far more stress than it’s worth

Life really does go on when you reduce some of your too-high expectations of yourself and others. Plus, more realistic expectations lead to lower stress.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Her new book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, IS NOW available at www.letyourbodywin.com. Go to her blog, http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com for past articles.

Put more time in your life
Habits can be wasting your most precious resource
Stress for Success
August 4, 2009

“Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of.” Benjamin Franklin.

Yet every day virtually everyone squanders time. Some of the most common ways are explained through Dr. Dru Scott’s five habitual, compulsive time habits from her excellent time management book, “How to Put More Time into Your Life”. She estimates that 50 – 90% of one’s time is spent unproductively chained to the behaviors implicit in these patterns.

To maximize your time the first step is to become conscious of your present time use. Decide if any of the following four styles of time misuse describe you (I’ll cover perfectionism next week). If so, her advice can help you move beyond your habitual choices:

Hurry Up! Always in a hurry:
* Get enough excitement/stimulation in your life so you don’t have to depend upon your last-minute-adrenaline-rush to get it;
* Do central (the most important) priorities first;
* Precede planning with SMART (specific, measurable, action-oriented, realistic and timely) goals;
* Keep your personal calendar/pda up-to-date and use it faithfully;
* Slow down many things you do: your driving by 5 m.p.h., brushing your teeth, eating, etc.

Like Me! Wasting time trying to please others by saying “yes” when you’d rather say “no”: Assertiveness training is strongly advised, plus:
* Rate others’ requests according to your own priorities (as covered in last week’s article): Are they Central (most important), Secondary (what you have to do but these tasks don’t lead to important goals) or Marginal (the unimportant) to you reaching your own goals;
* Practice saying “no” in advance to requests that distract you from your own priorities;
* Assertively tell others what you want in situations;
* Daily identify your priorities and do something toward the most important ones;
* Use written “to-do” lists and stick to them;

Good Student! Try hard even when it’s for low priority concerns:
* Clarify the day’s objectives before deciding what to do;
* Give the appropriate amount of time to each activity based on its importance;
* Divide big projects into smaller pieces;
* Ask, “What’s an easier way to accomplish this?”
* Use technology to increase efficiency;

Rock of Gibraltar! Always disciplined and rational:
* Consider the negative consequences to others and to you of letting them lean on you too much;
* Develop people around you by delegating effectively; train them where necessary;
* Learn to trust others as they prove themselves to you;
* Minimize your negative judgments of others who do things differently;
* Make time for R & R;
* Set realistic deadlines for yourself and for others through effective scheduling;

Everyone has reasons for neurotically engaging in one or more of these five compulsive habits. I know from experience that you can significantly decrease the hold these largely unconscious beliefs have over you. Lower your time stress through mindful attention to discover why you make your automatic time choices (e.g., “I’ll upset him if I say ‘no’,”) and to change them.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Her new book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, will soon be available at www.letyourbodywin.com. Go to her blog, http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com for past articles.

Prioritize your time investments
Stress for Success
July 28, 2009

Here’s great time management advice: not everything will get done so focus on the important and ignore the trivial.

The first time I read this I almost had a heart attack! Not everything will get done? Impossible! But if everything’s a priority then nothing is. I used to race from task to task giving each equal attention. Dr. Dru Scott’s “How to Put More Time into Your Life” woke me up to my folly.

Since our time choices are mostly unconscious it’s easy to assume you’re efficient. The only way to truly know, however, is to keep a time log. Dr. Scott recommends one with five columns:
* “From/to”: E.g., 8:00 – 8:15 a.m. Record all you do in 15 – 30 minute increments for one week whether for just work time or 24/7.
* Activity: Briefly describe each activity you tackle and with whom, where appropriate. “Three phone calls: Jennifer about accounting, Jim about the XYZ project, Charlene regarding Saturday’s party.” When in a meeting for 90 minutes obviously log it just once.
* The next three columns are labeled “C,” “S,” “M.” After the week return to each task and check the appropriate column regarding its importance using Scott’s priority system:
o Central: the most important activities that lead you directly toward your goals. Schedule your best time to work on Centrals.
o Secondary: tasks you must do but they don’t lead you directly toward your goals, like paperwork. Schedule regular, specific time for these. If you discover that you spent three hours doing Secondary tasks at work block off three hours of work time to focus on these. Since they’re secondary in importance you could schedule them during hours with more interruptions but set aside more than three hours.
o Marginal: the most unimportant activities. Avoid these unless you have absolutely nothing left to do.

My first time log shocked me. I spent an unbelievable amount of energy on Marginal and Secondary tasks, woefully neglecting my Centrals. Much of my reason was perfectionism.

Her book helped me become a recovering perfectionist. It taught me to strive for perfection only on my Central activities. It astounded me that making the bed daily was Marginal and didn’t have to be done! This standard was my mother’s but I could let it go! This may seem silly to some but it was revolutionary to me at the time. Now our bed gets made when I change the bedding and when we have guests. And the sky didn’t fall! Even my mother didn’t care!

To manage your time better make conscious choices to override automatic ones. Keep a time log for one week and notice if you exhibit one or more of the five compulsive time uses that Dr. Scott identified:
* Hurry Up!
* Be Perfect!
* The Rock!
* Good Student!
* Like Me!

In 1989 I saw myself in four of the above five! Dr. Scott’s advice helped me curb each of them significantly. I’ll pass on her advice over the next two weeks.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Her new book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, will soon be available at www.letyourbodywin.com. Call her at 239-693-8111 for information about her presentations on this and other topics.

Make wise choices on how you spend time
Stress for Success
July 21, 2009

Is lack of time one of your biggest stressors?

But how can that be when you have all the time there is - 24 hours a day? How can a Martha Stewart accomplish incredible things while others do so little with the same amount of time?

Because time management isn’t about “finding” more time it’s about managing yourself better.

If you have impulses like, “I have to clean the house,” and “I must help those around me,” you may operate out of one or more of the following “compulsive time use” habits identified by author Dr. Dru Scott:
* The Rock: others depend upon you;
* Like Me: say “yes” when you want to say “no;”
* Be Perfect: everything must be right;
* Good Student: A for effort;
* Hurry Up! Always in a hurry;

Do any of these describe your habitual time use motivations? Dr. Scott estimates that approximately 80% of your time may be spent compulsively (obsessively). When you’re a perfectionist, for example, it doesn’t occur to you that some things are entirely fine imperfectly done or that people don’t always have to do things your way (even though your way is better).

Red flags that you’re compulsively using your time include having lots of have tos, musts and shoulds. These amorphous decrees are rigid and lead you to operate unconsciously without contemplating your true options: you avoid conscious responsibility for daily choices.

If you’ve been shoulding on yourself forever it’s hard to know why you blindly follow your unwritten rules. Suffice it to say, you learned your imperatives and haven’t challenged them enough to decide which to discard.

One thing’s certain, as long as you continue to believe you have to do this or must do that, nothing will change.

If time feels like an enemy take responsibility by making conscious choices about your time investments:
* Keep track on paper for a week whenever you do something because you think you should, must or have to.
* Substitute with “prefer”, “want” or “choose” to identify which to stop doing for the subsequent month. Stop doing some things you should do but prefer not to do. (Weigh the consequences. If you prefer not to feed your kids and some are too young to feed themselves, you have to feed them.)
* Discontinue doing easier things first, like if you typically run errands for your parents on the weekend and you fear they’d be upset if you stopped, even though you want to stop, choose another area in which to protect your time. Eventually you can set limits even with your parents and see that the world doesn’t end.

We all have rules imposed on us by parents and society that continue to dominate us. Question the wisdom of adhering to those that unduly stress you. Change some of your choices to lower your stress. Over time you’ll learn to become more in charge of your own standards, which puts you in the driver’s seat of your own life.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.

There’s an important difference between judgments, behaviors
Stress for Success
July 7, 2009

Often in interpersonal conflicts we forget that it takes two to tango. We’re so focused on what the other person’s doing “wrong” and what they “should” be doing instead that we lose sight of what we add to the situation, eroding personal responsibility.

For example, in a common workplace conflict an employee with no kids thinks it’s unfair when she’s expected to take on more after-hour responsibilities to free up her parent co-workers with childcare responsibilities. One complained to me about a colleague, “She’s so selfish. It never occurs to her that I’m stuck here until 6:30 while she waltzes out the door at 5:00!”

Her statement makes clear that she’s convinced that her colleague is “causing” her stress. But by labeling her colleague selfish she dodges responsibility for her own role and becomes part of the problem. Negatively judging others is like spreading fertilizer to grow a conflict. And that’s her responsibility.

And does the parent co-worker even perceive a conflict? If not, how can she be expected to alleviate the injustice?

If I could wave a magic wand over everyone on earth, myself included, it would be to avoid the destructiveness and resulting conflict that judging others negatively grows.

You can become much more a part of the solution by replacing your negative judgments of others with the facts of the situation and the behaviors of the party with whom you have a problem.

There’s a huge difference between judgments and facts/behaviors:
* Judgments are interpretations; they’re not necessarily facts, and they vary person to person. They tend to be adjectives describing someone: lazy, inconsiderate, arrogant, etc. You see someone as rude I see the person as enthusiastic. It’s a matter of perspective.
* Facts are facts and consistent person to person. Anyone observing a situation could observe the same facts. Behaviors are factual and can be videotaped. Behaviors are verbs. The person “does” something like talk, interrupt, etc.

In the above example the judgment is that the colleague is “selfish.” But selfish cannot be videotaped since it’s an adjective therefore in the mind of the beholder. What did the person “do” that leads to this judgment? Factually/behaviorally, the co-worker “left at 5:00.”

To lower stress and resolve conflicts more easily our friend would be wise to focus on the facts and her co-worker’s behavior: Tuesday she left at 5:00 and I stayed until 6:30. Period.

To take appropriate responsibility in your conflicts don’t assume your judgments are accurate. Think before you address the situation:
* Identify your negative judgments and commit to letting them go;
* Identify the facts and behaviors of the situation;
* Decide if they’re worth confronting;
* If so, address the person about the facts/behaviors not the judgments;

Defensively judging others and assuming we’re right makes it difficult to focus on the factual. Accurate or not, approaching someone from a judgmental point of view will set up almost sure conflict escalation. At minimum, stay conscious when you judge and accept at least partial responsibility for the outcome it produces.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her new book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple is available at www.jackieferguson.com. Call her at 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.

Stay in the driver’s seat of your life to manage stress
Stress for Success
June 30, 2009

Personal responsibility seems like an old-fashioned notion in our rights-oriented society. But to effectively manage stress and be in the driver’s seat of your life you must hold yourself accountable for your action AND inaction. Mostly, don’t allow others to drive you and don’t drive for others, that’s their job.

Highly responsible people tend to achieve more and feel more in control so are less stressed. They’re proactive in making the life changes they deem important vs. reactive, waiting for someone else to make things better.

The bottom line is that your life, well-being, health and happiness are your responsibility. Blame your parents (and some have pretty darn good reasons), society, or whatever is handy for what’s wrong. Ultimately, however, the buck stops with you for your life.

Two opposite personality types have trouble with this.
1) The victim who believes that what goes wrong is beyond his control and is caused by others who, therefore, must change. Habitual shirking of responsibility puts victims into the most stressed-out position for they don’t see options to improve their lives.

His reasons include, “Society won’t let me succeed.” “My parents set me up to fail.” These statements make clear who’s at fault and it certainly isn’t him!

But here’s the danger. Let’s use the belief, “I never get a fair shake.” This could propel him to avoid taking initiative at work, for example, and then complain that others are treated better. He never sees how his inaction contributes to the outcome.

2) At the opposite end are those who take responsibility for others; the rescuer or the people-fixer.

She (I purposely use “she”) focuses on how others don’t live up to her expectations. She tries desperately to fix her mate and kids; how they dress, talk or handle their lives. She knows the right way to do things and by golly she’s going to “help” them! Invariably the target of her tinkering becomes defensive because the implication is that her target is inferior. Who takes kindly to that?

Both extreme personalities confuse boundaries. The victim waits for you to fix things for him. The fixer thinks she should fix you. It’s no wonder these two opposites often attract one another. They both also “expect” others to change rather than changing themselves to get a different result. The truth, however, is you can only control your choices not others’.

Both need to honor their own boundaries:
* What’s within their control? (Themselves and their choices)
* What’s beyond their control? (Everything else)

Investing your energy into what’s actually within your control makes for healthier choices that more effectively bring about your desired outcomes. If you err on the victim side be more proactive; grab the bull by the horns more often. If you’re a fixer accept others more as they are. If you want a different outcome change something you’re doing versus assuming the other “should” change. To do anything else is a waste of energy and a sure formula for more stress.

You are seldom blameless when you’re “caught”
Taking responsibility helps reduce stress
Stress for Success
June 23, 2009

I recently spent time with an adorable youngster with the not-so-adorable tendency to blame others for his actions. When confronted by adults about his misbehavior he quickly pointed the finger at others. If this habit continues into adulthood he’ll remain immature and become a far less competent stress manager.
We all blame others sometimes, but doing so habitually robs you of a strong sense of personal responsibility. Being accountable is essential to developing an “internal locus of control,” (ILOC) the belief that you have can handle what comes your way; that you control your destiny. Having an ILOC automatically lowers your stress and enhances your coping ability. The opposite, assuming you lack control, the most stressful of beliefs, leads to defensively finding fault outside the self.

Additional traits help explain why one person manages exceptionally stressful events well while another falls apart over much less provocation, such as:
* Awareness of what you contribute to your stress;
* Honesty and assertiveness with yourself and others;
* Perception of stress as challenges versus threats;
* Self-confidence and a less emotional reaction to stress;
* Creative thinking for problem-solving;
* Putting solutions into action to exercise your influence;
* A sense of humor;
* Hope and optimism facilitate challenging overly-negative thoughts with more realistic ones so your thinking doesn’t become more stressful than the situation itself;
* Humility to realize that your way of looking at situations and your solutions may not be the best;

The boy referred to above was chastised for throwing toys inside the house after being told not to do so. He shirked responsibility and blamed other children for starting it thereby violating the first four traits above (he’s too young to appreciate all of them), he:
* Didn’t acknowledge his own involvement;
* Wasn’t honest about it with himself nor the adult;
* Perceived being caught as a threat, reacting defensively;
* Lacked the self-confidence to handle it calmly (he’s just a kid but can gradually learn);

When you’re “caught”, recognize when you blame someone or something else. Occasionally, responsibility does rest outside yourself, but virtually always you add something voluntarily to the situation. Start by acknowledging, at least to yourself, your behavior and its contribution to the outcome.

For example, your boss told you to complete something “a.s.a.p.” Later, she gets angry that you’re not finished yet. You blame her for not being more specific about her deadline. But this overlooks your responsibility to ask for clarification, like, “Just exactly when do you need this?” If she responds in a general way again you could say, “Given my schedule the earliest I can finish this is tomorrow morning. If you need it sooner we’ll need to postpone another task.”

An internal locus of control puts you in the driver’s seat of your own life. It requires personal accountability. Don’t let others drive you through life and blame them for taking you in the wrong direction. Instead, take responsibility for your own action or inaction and give up the blame-game.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her new book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple is available at www.jackieferguson.com. Call her at 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.

Increase hope through humor and optimism
Stress for Success
June 16, 2009

Hope that the future will be better helps you deal with life’s curve balls. Without it existence can look grim leaving you less resilient, therefore less capable of fielding your problems. Hope helps you cope with exceptionally stressful times, whether from a lingering illness or financial uncertainty.

Two particularly effective methods of nurturing it are:
* Seeing humor in your stressors;
* Shaping more optimistic perceptions of them;

For example, Melissa B. Wanzer, EdD, professor of communication studies at Canisius College in Buffalo, NY, recently found that aging adults who more frequently used humor reported greater coping, therefore, greater life satisfaction.

In 2005, Texas A&M University demonstrated that humor can significantly increase your level of hope, according to psychologist David H. Rosen. He also found that the severity of recent setbacks takes more of a toll on hope than does the number of stressors. So the more weighed down you feel by any challenge the more you need to foster faith.

Seeing humor contributes to the two components of hope, the ability to:
* Overcome obstacles;
* Problem solve;

Appreciating humor fosters optimism by softening negative thoughts with positive ones. Plus, humor’s positive emotions lead to greater confidence therefore, more creative thinking and problem solving.

To cultivate humor, therefore hope, many hospitals offer humor rooms or humor carts. These are brightly decorated and furnished with a TV, VCR and funny videos. They offer games, toys, costumes, masks, funny hats, yo-yos, bubbles, etc. Patients’ imaginations determine their potential fun.

The second avenue for greater hope is diminishing pessimism and increasing optimism about your challenges. Dr. Martin Seligman of the University of PA, world-renowned optimism/pessimism researcher, identified three components of speech that make up your "explanatory style": how you explain why something bad (or good) happens to you. These reveal your interpretations as optimistic or pessimistic.

More optimistic interpretations lead to greater resiliency to stress, more success at many things in life and even better health.

Pretend this bad event happened to you: you applied for a job and didn’t get it. Now, answer, “Why didn’t I get the job?”
1. Ongoing vs. temporary: Does your reason suggest the event has ongoing consequences vs. a temporary setback?
* “I’ll never get a job!” (On-going/pessimistic)
* “I wasn’t on for the interview.” (Temporary setback/optimistic)
2. Global vs. specific: Does not getting the job have global effects on your life or only on a specific part?
* “I’m a loser.” (Global/pessimistic)
* “Money will be tight until I get a job.” (Specific/optimistic)
3. Blame yourself vs. an outside source:
* “I suck at interviews.” (Self-blame/pessimistic)
* “What a terrible interviewer!” (Blames outside source/optimistic)

(Seligman isn’t suggesting you shirk personal responsibility but finds excessive self-blaming is a sign of pessimism.)

When something bad happens change your explanations from on-going to temporary, from having global implications to specific ones, and from self-blame to lightening up on yourself. Increased optimism leads to greater hope and opens the door to see humor, increasing your confidence that you can tackle any setbacks you encounter.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.

Be mindful of work jokes
Stress for Success
June 9, 2009


Have you heard the one about the guy who had his left side cut out? He’s all right now (ba-doom-boom, courtesy of Nina Jones.)

A Robert Half International survey found 84% of top corporate officers thought employees with a sense of humor do better at work than those with little or no sense of humor. Yet workplace humor can be a double-edged sword: it can help reduce stress but also create conflicts since what’s funny to one may be insulting to another. And in our litigious society harassment lawsuits can “come out of nowhere” when really they often come out of a difference in sensitivities. When jokes insult people, the organization needs to intervene or risk morale problems, not to mention legal ones.

During times of heightened pressure such as now, HR directors report that some stressed-out people are more likely to harass others, including through inappropriate jokes, while others are more likely to complain about being harassed. So be careful which kind of humor you use.

Professor Christopher LeGrow of Marshall University found that about 70% of people polled reported hearing workplace jokes that made fun of coworkers’ age, sexual orientation and weight. 40% admitted that that they themselves told these kinds of jokes. Surprisingly, there wasn’t much difference between what men and women found offensive but women were more offended by remarks targeting their physical characteristics. Comments intended to be funny were often taken as hurtful.

Humor is most often taken as offensive when the joke-teller actually uses humor to make an insulting or threatening point. Consider these guidelines to decide if your workplace humor is inappropriate:
* Identify the underlying point of your joke. Would you make the same point without humor or would that make it too confrontational? If so, communicate your meaning assertively rather than disguising it with misplaced humor.
* Know your audience: if you’re poking fun about, for example, someone’s weight, are you sure the person will see it as humorous? Or might it feel hurtful to them?
* Avoid:
o Controversial topics, like sexual or racial differences or physical disabilities;
o Politics that could offend someone with different beliefs, especially if they’re part of your team; call this political correctness if you like but if you value cooperation offending colleagues works against it;
* The loved-one rule: For instance, don’t tell jokes about women if you wouldn’t find them funny when told about a woman you love.
* The local-media rule: If your joke were reported in the local media, would it embarrass you? If so, don’t tell it.
* When you’re not sure how a joke will be received, don’t tell it;

If you hear offensive humor, assert yourself and tell your colleague that you find it distasteful and ask her not to use that kind of humor in the future. How can she know it’s objectionable if no one tells her?

Appropriate humor can make your workplace much more enjoyable, build stronger teams and boost creativity while reducing stress. Just think before you speak.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.

Laughter and humor will help bolster your life
Being happy pays off in many ways
Stress for Success
June 1, 2009


The great Bill Cosby once said, “If you can find humor in something you can survive it.” But can it really help us cope with today’s topsy-turvy world?

How you react to stress is significantly determined by whether you see it as a threat or a challenge. When you see it as a threat your reaction will likely be more of a defensive one driven by greater anger and/or fear resulting in a response that’s aggressive (fight) or a withdrawal (flight). Finding humor helps you to see the stressor more as a challenge, making it less threatening and leaving you feeling more in control. All of this leads the ability of perceiving more viable options.

Humor is one of the best coping strategies of all because it:
* Facilitates mental flexibility and creativity by blocking negative emotions allowing you to think through problems versus emotionally muddle through them;
* Is the opposite of stress: it lowers blood pressure, increases blood circulation, reduces muscle tension and pain, and boosts your immune system;
* Reduces the stress hormone cortisol while increasing health enhancing hormones like endorphins and neurotransmitters;
* Strengthens your immune system by increasing antibody producing cells and enhances the effectiveness T cells;
* Dampens pain;
* A good belly laugh exercises the diaphragm, your heart, contracts the abs and other areas, leaving muscles more relaxed afterward.
* Laughing at yourself increases your objectivity about yourself, decreasing your defensiveness.
* Shared humor strengthens teams (not sarcasm or belittling humor, though).
* “The shortest distance between two people is humor,” said the famed comedic pianist, Victor Borge. Humor connects people improving most communication, especially when it’s potentially confrontational.
* It’s just fun.

To nourish your sense of humor you must look for and find what tickles your funny bone.
* Do things differently: Vary your routines and become more aware of life around you. Take a different route to work. Change your lunch habit. Then look for and find five things that make you smile. Keep looking to keep finding.
* Keep a humor file: Add humor like this odd newspaper headline, “Good Samaritans may get stun guns.” That’s funny! Cheer yourself up by reading what’s in your file.
* Develop a sense of playfulness: Play with kids and pets.
* Laugh with others and you’ll laugh more: Watch your favorite sitcoms together or go to a comedy club.
* Be mindful (conscious) of finding humor in taxing situations. Instead of complaining, laugh about what’s stressing you; like your catastrophic images of ending up a street person due to economic losses.
* When having a bad day, exaggerate it and have a really bad day. Complain endlessly about how the world is falling apart (not to mention your big screen TV).
* Imagine your favorite comedian(s) having your family arguments.

Studies show positive outcomes of smiling even when you don’t mean it. Smile more to benefit from its helpful effects and it may lead to genuine smiles and eventually even outright laughter!
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.

Three more ways to bolster brain
Stress for Success
May 12, 2009

Use it or lose it, they say. As you age this is more pertinent than ever.

I certainly hope that my mental capacities remain strong until my last breath. Doesn’t everyone? For that to happen I’m willing to invest more energy into healthy habits for my brain.

Last week I covered three of the six habits (exercise, diet and stimulants) covered in a Scientific American Mind, February/March, 2009 column, “Six Ways to Boost Brainpower” by Emily Anthes. Here are the final three habits to add to your list.

1. Video games: Before picking a surgeon you may want to ask if he plays video games. Those who play at least a few hours a week make one-third fewer operating room errors than non-gaming doctors. “According to research video games can improve mental dexterity, increase eye -hand coordination, depth perception and pattern recognition, and improve attention span and information processing,” Anthes reports.
a. But doesn’t excessive gaming cause increased violence in some? Several studies have shown this connection especially for those playing first-person shooter games where brain activity patterns consistent with aggression have been reported. But the preponderance of research so far doesn’t support the theory that video games contribute to increased youth violence. But these troubling findings deserve further research.
2. Music: Even though the “Mozart effect” has been challenged and some would say discredited, music does seem to possess wonderful benefits beyond sheer enjoyment. It activates your brain’s reward center and calms the amygdala, the brain’s fear center. It soothes anxiety, can minimize insomnia, lowers blood pressure, calms patients with dementia, and helps premature babies gain weight so they can be discharged sooner.
a. Music training can also bolster the brain. Musicians compared to non-musicians have a larger motor cortex, cerebellum and corpus callosum (the connection between the brain’s two sides.) Some studies show that music classes also improve spatial ability in young children.
b. I guess I should thank my dictatorial public school music director for pushing us to seek musical perfection. Apparently all of that practice increased my brainstem’s sensitivity to the sounds of human speech, not to mention the increase in discipline and competence, which led to increased self-confidence.
3. Meditation: Anthes reports, “Deep relaxation seems to help all types of conditions from anxiety to pain reduction to treating high blood pressure, asthma, insomnia, diabetes, depression and skin conditions. Those who meditate regularly report feeling more at ease and more creative than non-meditators.” Expert mediators show spikes of brain activity in their left prefrontal cortex, an area of the brain that has generally been associated with positive emotions. Those who have the most activity in the area during meditation also had big boosts in immune system functioning.”
a. Meditation can also increase focus and attention, therefore improve performance on cognitive tasks.

You’ve known that most of these habits are excellent for your health and stress levels. Now you know they’re also good for preserving mental power. It’s just one more reason to get going on increasing habits that enhance your overall well-being.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.

Human brain needs care just like the body
Stress for Success
May 5, 2009

I joke with my chorus-mates that learning the large volume of music we perform annually protects us from Alzheimer’s. This may be truer than I thought.

Conventional wisdom has historically been that the adult brain lacked “neuroplasticity” - the ability to remold itself. But scientists are finding that it’s far more flexible than thought. Our behavior, environment, and possibly even thought patterns can cause the brain to significantly rewire and reorganize. The hippocampus, essential to learning and long-term memory, is one area active in new nerve cell development.

Scientific American Mind, February/March, 2009 reports on six healthy habits to help enhance your brain power based on this new understanding.
1 Exercise: Human studies show that exercise improves the brain’s executive functions of planning, organizing and multitasking probably due to increased blood flow to the brain increasing the delivery of oxygen, fuel and nutrients. Exercise also has mood-boosting effects and helps protect you from developing dementia as you age, even for life-long couch-potatoes. Studies of seniors have shown that just 20 minutes of walking a day is enough.
a. Use music to make your workout more powerful. In a study volunteers completed two workout sessions. In one they worked out in silence; in the other, they listened to Vivaldi’s Four Seasons. After each workout, participants completed assessments of their mood and verbal skills. When exercising with no music both skills were boosted while when exercising to music verbal scores improved twice as much.
b. Research finds that exercise improves sleep quality and immune function.
2 Diet: You are what you eat. Saturated fat is no better for your brain than for your body. Rats fed high saturated fat diets underperformed on learning and memory tests. Humans who consume quantities of saturated fats may also be at greater risk for dementia. Since your brain is mostly fat you do need omega-3 fats, found in fish, nuts and seeds.
a. Populations that traditionally consume high omega-3 fatty acid diets tend to have lower rates of central nervous system disorders.
b. Alzheimer’s disease, depression and schizophrenia may be associated with low levels of omega-3 fatty acids.
c. Fruits, vegetables and some nuts high in antioxidants (e.g., walnuts, blueberries and spinach) seem to be brain super foods countering brain cell damage.
d. It’s also how much you eat. Research on laboratory animals fed 25 - 50% fewer than normal calories live longer with improved brain function, better memory and coordination test performance, and are more resistant to damage from Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s and in Huntington’s disease.
e. Babies need enough fat to create healthy neurons. Breast milk is 50% fat.
3 Stimulants like caffeine rev up the nervous system, increase heart rate, blood pressure, energy, breathing, arousal and alertness. One study showed that two cups can boost short-term memory and reaction time and can protect against age-related memory decline in older women; good news to those of us who love our morning coffee.

Next week I’ll cover the other three healthy habits of video games, music, and meditation.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.

Visualize to improve skills and stop thinking so much
Stress for Success
April 28, 2009


Let’s move beyond the ubiquitous financial stress and address something truly important: your golf game – or any skill that’s important to you. Here are two ideas to help with anything from improving your tennis game to being more assertive.

First, research shows that rehearsing mentally, like athletes do, can enhance your performance just as well and sometimes better than actually physically practicing.

In a Texas A&M study medical students learning to suture received guided physical practice followed by either:
* 30 more minutes of practice;
* 30 minutes of guided mental imagery;
* Or no more training;
When tested, the first two groups performed better than the third, and just as well as each other.

Mental rehearsal can be better than physical practice because it only “exercises” neural representations of physical skills. So, after a golf lesson if you physically practice ineptly you might hamper relearning the right technique later. Mentally practicing a bungling swing isn’t muscularly detailed enough to hurt your proficiency. (Obviously, visualization is most helpful when you rehearse correctly.)

When rehearsing any behavior change:
* Visualize the changes you want to make in as much detail as possible;
* Instantly re-visualize correcting mistakes;
* With new tasks imagine the detailed moves slowly; speed up as you improve.
* Observe others performing the same moves to activate the same motor programs in your own brain to progress.

Frequent visualization doesn’t ensure you won’t mess up, however. Here’s another idea that researchers recommend to avoid choking.

When you’ve practiced something so well that you don’t need to think about it, your subconscious takes over. Slowing down to focus on automatic responses, though, can interrupt your subconscious and cause you to stumble.

The part of your brain that’s most involved in learning a new skill is the cerebral cortex. As you rehearse a piece of music, a tennis swing or a speech over and over, you gradually transfer control to another area of the brain, the cerebellum, which orchestrates the lightning-fast motor activation needed to perform complex action. (This must explain why a well-rehearsed piece of music plays endlessly in my brain; it’s moving to my cerebellum.)

The cerebral cortex is consciously accessible. The cerebellum isn’t. So if you think slowing down your presentation will help you focus, it may actually do the opposite by tripping up your subconscious.

“It’s actually better just to get on with things if you’re well rehearsed,” says psychologist Sian Beilock of the University of Chicago. In a 2008 study Beilock divided novice and skilled golfers into two groups. Those in the first group were instructed to take their time while those in the second group were told to swing as quickly as possible. Their results:
* Novice golfers performed less well when swinging faster and better when they took their time.
* Skilled golfers performed better when swinging quickly and less well when taking their time.

So, use repetitive and detailed visualization to speed up your learning curve. Once you’re skilled stop thinking so much and let your cerebellum do its thing.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com for information about her workshops on this and other topics.

Social support helps longevity
Stress for Success
April 21, 2009


Recently I’ve been writing about the damage chronic stress can do to mental, physical and emotional wellbeing. Most research as to why has focused on the fight/flight hormones, particularly cortisol. To counter this damage channel your stress energy through what I call Stress Breaks – rest away from your stress through exercise, meditation, engaging in your favorite hobbies, etc.

Additional research suggests that another hormone, oxytocin (in Greek meaning quick birth), may also help mitigate some of the fight/flight damage.

Oxytocin’s an interesting hormone believed to be released in both sexes during touching, bonding and orgasm. In the brain, it’s involved in social recognition and connecting with others. In women, it also facilitates birth and breast-feeding.

UCLA Psychologist Shelley Taylor argues that the even though the fight/flight response occurs in both men and women it’s more about what happens to men, who are generally more aggressive. She suggests that because women are the primary caregivers when they’re stressed they can also rely upon the “tend and befriend” response where they focus more on care-giving and pursuing social support. A growing number of scientists believe this response may help to explain why women tend to outlive men.

Regardless of gender, close social connections are good for your health. However, research shows that women get more benefit from friendship than men.

Dr. Terri Apter, Cambridge University social psychologist and co-author of “Best Friends” reports, “The friendships of both sexes tend to promote health, even though they differ in style. Social connectivity … increases health and longevity. The difference is that women have more friends to turn to more often, so they get more benefit.”

Scientists at the University of California report that women also release oxytocin in times of stress. Women seem to be programmed hormonally to use friendship as a remedy to life’s problems in a way that men aren’t.

Oxytocin then, especially in conjunction with estrogen, promotes seeking out and nurturing relationships. An increase in this hormone is calming and may lessen the worst consequences of women’s stress reaction. Evolutionarily speaking it makes sense since the fight or flight response is less practical for women nursing their young. It also makes survival sense since the sex that bears progeny must be protected so they can continue to procreate.

Conversely, for men during the stress response testosterone floods their systems taking a high physical toll on them. And testosterone inhibits oxytocin.

Some experts, however, fear that the health advantages from tend and befriend are threatened from our pressure-cooker lifestyle, which can lead to less time for friendship. If so, this may explain the increase of heart disease among women.

But Marla Paul, author of “The Friendship Crisis” says: "Women need to spend time with friends to maintain their balance and health. Friends are not a luxury. They're essential." (I hear “hallelujahs” from female readers affirming this statement.)

The take-home message for both genders: strong relationships are vital to health and longevity. How will you make more time for your important relationships to protect your health?

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.

An over-stressed amygdala inhibits problem-solving
Stress for Success
April 14, 2009

Stress isn’t necessarily bad; it just is. In fact, without any stress at all you’d be dead.

Eustress, healthy stress, is the amount that motivates you to get out of bed every day. When it becomes too much or too negative it’s called distress. Neither is particularly harmful unless it becomes chronic: elevated stress that lasts more than four months.

When experiencing chronic stress, as Americans collectively are due to the economic meltdown, the trick is to channel stress energy to minimize the damage from the fight/flight hormones.

Problem-solving is the key to stress management and it’s the most effective method of channeling this energy, since a problem solved no longer triggers your stress response. Reacting overly-emotionally, however, inhibits the process.

Operating out of the emotional part of your brain (the limbic system including the amygdala or fear center and the hippocampus or short term memory center) makes it difficult for the more advanced part of your brain, the cerebral cortex, to function. This is especially true when you emotionally “catastrophize” things (build mountains out of molehills).

Stress emotions (anger and fear) are always part of your stress response and are absolutely normal. They’re intended to motivate you to take positive action in response to what troubles you so identify which positive actions they’re signaling you to take. Always ask, “What are my options?” For example, if you’re worried about a job interview identify your options for preparing for it better.

Medical scientist Dr. Nick Hall advises to, “stop the chemical pinball game in the brain areas that are engaged in emotions,” shift your focus away from your escalating feelings.
§ Finish this incomplete statement three times in context with what’s stressing you, like being stuck in traffic:
o “I am glad that …” (my car’s not overheating, there’s good music to listen to, it’s not making me late for anything).

When excessively blaming and complaining (becoming a victim to whatever you’re blaming and complaining about) use:
§ Healthy venting, which allows you to leave behind your frustration and/or moves you toward problem-solving;
§ Gratefulness, which counters victimhood:
o For each stressor what are you grateful for? E.g., Budget cuts threaten your job; your spouse is still employed.

With excessive negative thinking like worrying (about something in the future over which you have no control) or regretting (something in the past, which is over with, therefore beyond your control) seek:
§ Mindfulness or live in the present:
o Deep breathing quickly brings you into the present;
o Remind yourself that you’re not your thoughts or your emotions; they’re simply a part of you;
§ Count to 50, 70 or higher;
§ Alternative Explanations -- find different ways to explain situations:
o E.g., Your boss isn’t handling her stress well;
ü Alternative: She’s under significant pressure from her boss;

You shouldn’t deny your emotions. But sometimes they become more the problem than the original stressor. To tame an over-active amygdala, distract yourself so you can focus on the options that will resolve your issue.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.

Learn to distract brain’s amygdala to attain control
Tiny part of brain regulates stress, for better or worse
Stress for Success
April 7, 2009

Stress isn’t completely about control, but it mostly is. The less influence you believe you have in any situation in which you want control, the more stressed you’ll be. It’s obvious in situations like losing your job or when you’re in a rush and someone’s driving slowly in front of you.

When anxious ask yourself how your control is being impeded and by what or whom. Your answer is what you’ll likely say is causing your stress. To reduce your tension you’ll probably assume that that person or situation must change. But, of course, that increases stress since the only thing that’s within your control is your own reaction.

Instead, ask, “What are my options?” Seek problem-solving solutions that are actually within your control. Often you’ll be successful through legitimate problem-solving like letting the radio distract you from aggravating traffic. Other times your attempts increase your stress; like screaming at the driver as if that gives you more control, or going into attack or denial mode when faced with losing something you value.

There are signs that indicate you want more control in a triggering situation: feeling dread, anger or fear (Mother Nature’s survival emotions), worry, complaining or blaming, etc., and thinking the emotional thoughts that accompany each. These activate your Stress Cycle, an automatic mind/body reaction to stress, which pushes your attempt to regain control.

To increase your chances of finding workable options it’s important to limit the role too- strong emotions can have in this process.

When stressed a tiny part of your brain, the amygdala, is engaged. It’s part of your subconscious limbic system involved in emotional processing, memory and imagination.

For survival reasons, your amygdala remembers, for instance, who has wronged you in the past and when that person’s back in your life your amygdala will be on high-alert for being aggrieved again. But can it over-react?

I just learned that imagination is part of the amygdala’s function (thanks Jack). When you’re stressed do you think yours could conger up unrealistic scenarios?

An example was after Hurricane Charlie and the threat of another hurricane sent some people’s over-active amygdalas into the stress stratosphere. Fear of another hurricane was absolutely normal and motivated us to take precautionary action. But an over-active fear response would likely inhibit one’s ability to prepare for and possibly even survive another storm.

The amygdala also regulates the fight/flight response, therefore, anger and fear (some scientists call it the fear center). In other words, it’s triggered when you think that you have insufficient control. It reacts strongly to emotionally charged events, positive or negative and puts you into automatic unconscious reaction mode.

When your amygdala is strongly engaged it makes it more difficult to access your prefrontal cortex where conscious problem-solving is largely directed. So, in situations where finding a solution is called for but you’re being overly emotional, it’s in your best interest to increase your prefrontal thinking. Distracting your amygdala can help and I’ll cover ideas on how to do this next week.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.

Get rest away from stress to limit the damage of chronic stress
Stress for Success
March 31, 2009

There’s good news and bad news about stress. The bad news: it can make you vulnerable to illness and disease development. The good news is simple: to protect yourself schedule more rest away from your stress. It’s what I call the easy part of stress management.

The reason that chronic stress, elevated stress that lasts for over four months, is potentially so harmful to your emotional, physical and mental health is that your mind and body are on high alert (fight/flight) too often and don’t return to a state of homeostasis or balance frequently enough. Your mind and body don’t fully recover from the assault of stress hormones, particularly cortisol. Over time too much cortisol coursing through your system leads to many afflictions.

In stress workshops I ask participants to name their ongoing symptoms and I tell them if I’ve read research that says that chronic stress can lead to these conditions. They’ll offer:
Headaches;
Constipation;
Digestive problems of all types;
Insomnia;
Panic attacks;
Depression;
Diabetes;
High blood pressure;
Cardio-vascular problems;
Etc.

My response to all is yes, stress can lead to all of these. The research doesn’t report that all conditions are caused by stress but stress can make you vulnerable to each.

Becoming an excellent stress manager also doesn’t mean that every symptom and illness will disappear. But many would or at least would improve significantly if you consistently sought a healthier balance.

So, in direct proportion to your stress schedule more rest away from it. Scheduling multiple Stress Breaks throughout your day allows your mind and body to gradually return to a state of improved balance facilitating your ability to recover from your daily dose of stress. Even if you aren’t experiencing chronic stress -- yet -- getting plenty of rest away from your anxiety enhances your resiliency so when you experience chronic stress you’ll be in better shape to handle it.

Here are the most important Stress Breaks because each channels stress energy:
Regular exercise uses up stress energy as Mother Nature intended;
Deep relaxation is physiologically the opposite of the fight/flight;
Deep breathing is physiologically the opposite of fight/flight breathing;

The best Stress Breaks for you, however, are the ones you’re most likely to practice regularly, such as:

Release stress energy through:
Hobbies;
Time with family, loved ones;
Anything that gives you pleasure, passion and/or joy;
Laughter;
Tense/relax muscle groups; tense for 10 – 15 seconds, then relax and repeat;
Regular journaling, pour out your deepest thoughts and feelings;

To relax your fight/flight energy:
Sound sleep, 7 – 8 hours most nights;
Yoga, tai-chi, etc.;
Hot bath;
Power naps;

Your health, to a significant degree, is a matter of choice (along with genetics determining your vulnerabilities). You can choose stress and its accompanying hormones, when in excess leading to physical and emotional problems. Or you can choose more Stress Breaks to minimize the damage. What will it be?

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.

Stress breaks help maintain healthier cortisol level
Stress for Success
March 24, 2009

How’s your health? Is it:
* Excellent
* Very good
* Good
* Not good
* Poor

Your answer predicts your future regarding disease and longevity more accurately than a thorough review of your medical records, according to research in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine in 2006. It makes sense since you live with yourself 24/7. Just as when you drive the same car for a long time and know when something’s off, you also know when your body isn’t performing as well.

Fascinatingly, these researchers found that people who considered themselves healthier experienced a wider fluctuation of their fight/flight response. They aren’t normally stressed so when it kicks in, it's noticeable.

Those who felt less healthy didn't notice as much when their stress response kicked in because it wasn’t significantly different from how they typically felt. In other words, they had a higher level of the stress hormone cortisol all of the time, a symptom of chronic stress.

In both acute and chronic stress over 17 different hormones are released. Acute stress is generally a short-term response by the body to stress and lasts from a few minutes to a few weeks. Chronic stress occurs when stress is ongoing keeping the body on high alert month after month and is the main cause of stress-related health problems.

Stress hormones weaken your health over time when your body isn’t able to relax and recover from one stressful triggering event to the next. Those most vulnerable to the ravages of stress include:
* People with chronic stress
* Hotheads and those who are very impatient
* Those caught up in the runaway American lifestyle with entirely too much activity and not enough rest

If you belong to any one or more of these groups you may have too much cortisol in your system, which has been shown to have negative health effects from higher blood pressure to lowered immunity and inflammatory responses, from impaired cognitive performance to suppressed thyroid function to weight gain, and more.

To limit the damage of excess cortisol in your body include multiple stress breaks throughout your day. These pull you back from your Stress Cliff, where stress begins to damage you physically, mentally and emotionally. Stress breaks allow your physical body and your mind to seek an equilibrium. This can be difficult in today's runaway lifestyle when your fight/flight is triggered so frequently throughout each day without a chance to rest making it more essential to do so.

The most important stress breaks that help your body maintain healthier cortisol levels are:
* Exercise 30 – 45 minutes every other day; both anaerobic (resistance training) and aerobic (jogging or cycling);
* Deep relaxation 15 – 30 minutes daily;
* Deep breathe often throughout your day, especially when you notice that you’re stressed;

There are many more stress breaks. Next week we’ll look at some of them that can better balance your stress and relaxation responses, therefore your cortisol, which better protects you from the damage of stress.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.

Why chronic stress can make you sick
The fight/flight response is key to understanding the consequences of stress
Stress for Success
March 17, 2009

You’re driving down the highway when suddenly a car cuts you off almost causing an accident! You slam on the brakes, scream obscenities while adrenaline courses through your system! Your heart’s in your throat!

This is your body’s fight/flight response preparing you to defend against any and all danger—real or perceived. All survival mental and physical systems are on high alert like:
Faster heart beat
Faster, shallower breathing
Heightened vision and hearing
Muscle tension and much more

Triggering your stress response does no significant damage if your body returns fairly quickly to a balanced state to recover from the energy drain. Humans are incredibly resilient to their daily dose of stress.

The danger is that today’s fast-paced lifestyle triggers the fight/flight many times a day if not an hour leaving too many with an elevated stress response all day, most days. If your body doesn’t have time to recover from one triggering event to the next you end up in a near constant state of tension making you more vulnerable to everything from:
§ Insomnia to indigestion
§ Exhaustion to heart disease
§ Diabetes to depression and more

So, protect yourself from chronic stress, elevated stress that lasts for four months or longer, like:
§ A traumatic event like a hurricane and its aftermath
§ Chronic illness
§ Long-term care-giving
§ On-going financial stress
§ Hotheadedness and impatience
§ The American lifestyle of working entirely too much and resting far too little

Because modern stress is mostly mental, not physical, requiring mental solutions not physical attacks or retreats you have to slam on the brakes of your fight/flight energy. Over time this takes its toll on you physically and emotionally.

Much of the damage from chronic stress comes from the fight/flight hormone, cortisol. Even small hassles that aren’t worth risking your health over or simply stewing about stress contribute to the accumulation of symptoms.

Dr. Robert Sapolsky, author of “Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers”, explains the damage of chronic stress: “No single disastrous effect, no lone gunman. Instead, kicking and poking and impeding, here and there, make this a bit worse, [make] that a bit less effective. Thus making it more likely for the roof to cave in one day.”

For example, your in-laws call; the sound of their voices sets you on edge. Do you realize that your stress response just ordered your stomach to diminish or stop digesting? Digestion isn’t essential for fighting or fleeing so it’s shut down or slowed while your heart and lungs rev up to defend against an attacking tiger. Could this explain why indigestion is so common today? Yes!

Which stressors are you spending your vital energy on? A difficult boss? Financial stress? Coping with change? Who pushes your buttons? Certainly, some of these are worth your energy, while others are not so it’s vital to pick and choose your battles.

Next week we’ll consider ways to get more rest away from your stress, the key to protecting yourself from chronic stress.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.

Chronic stress over the economy can make you sick
Stress for Success
March 10, 2009

Humans can tolerate an incredible amount of stress. But when it becomes chronic you should be concerned about your physical and emotional health.

Collectively Americans are experiencing chronic stress right now due to the economic crisis. So does this mean some will suffer negative consequences? Probably.

We can learn from a study of post-9/11 stress and its subsequent health consequences as reported by Tony Barboza (January 8, 2008, LA Times).

After the 2001 terrorist attacks UC Irvine tracked fifteen hundred people over three years with annual follow-up surveys showing that stress and fear about terrorism after 9/11 may have caused heart problems (published in January’s Archives of General Psychiatry). Even those with no personal connection to the attacks, the majority of whom watched live television coverage, were affected.

UCI researchers linked psychological stress responses to the attacks to a 53% increase in heart problems, including high blood pressure and stroke, in the three years following 9/11. Most of those surveyed had no preexisting heart problems. The results persisted even when risk factors like high cholesterol, smoking and obesity were taken into account.

The study’s lead researcher Alison Holman, assistant professor of nursing science at UCI, said, “It seems that the 9/11 attacks were so potent that media exposure helped to convey enough stress that people responded in a way that contributed to their cardiovascular problems.” (Do you watch a lot of today’s news coverage of the economic crisis?)

Research participants were asked in online surveys to report doctor-diagnosed ailments and assess their fear of terrorism by rating how much they agreed with statements like, “I worry that an act of terrorism will personally affect me or someone in my family in the future.” (Do you chronically worry about economic ruin?)

Chronic worriers who continued to fear terrorism for several years after the attacks were the most at risk of heart problems and three to four times more likely to report doctor-diagnosed heart problems two to three years after the attacks.

These same researchers in a study released in 2002 found that 17% of the U.S. population outside New York City reported symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) two months after the terrorist attacks. Those with high levels of PTS symptoms in the first nine to 14 days after the attacks were more than twice as likely to report heart problems up to three years later.

What lessons can we learn to protect ourselves from today’s financial stress?
§ Limit economic news consumption;
§ Challenge chronic worrying with action steps to protect yourself:
o Suze Orman advices having backup plans in case you lose your job and/or home – including whom to move in with if the worst happens;
§ Realign your expectations to match present day reality:
o Price your home to sell if you’re under pressure;
o If you need a job take any vs. waiting for one that’s commensurate to the one you lost;
o Live within an affordable budget;

Limit the damage of chronic stress to avoid its health consequences, the topic for next week.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of Inter Action Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization.

Stress hormone may increase appetite, weight gain
Stress for Success
March 3, 2009

When stressed, even when simply thinking stressful (angry/fearful) thoughts, you trigger your body’s physiological fight/flight reaction. The most potentially damaging of the seventeen hormones that are part of this stress response is cortisol, a glucocorticoid.

One of cortisol’s roles during stress is to provide your body with energy. So, stress might lead you to eat more due to an increased appetite. The fuel your muscles need during the fight/flight response is sugar so you crave carbohydrates when stressed.

"During the first couple of days following a stressful event, cortisol is giving you a cue to eat high-carbohydrate foods," says endocrinologist Ricardo Dr. Perfetti, M.D., Ph.D., of Cedars Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. "… you (can) quickly learn a behavioral response that you feel almost destined to repeat anytime you feel stressed."

This was adaptive for our ancestors because they actually physically fought or fled from, say, attacking beasts. But we modern humans have to apply the brakes to our stress energy to keep from punching someone out or running away from them, sending stress hormones coursing through our bodies.

When you’re stressed over anything your body doesn't know that you’re not physically fighting or fleeing, so it still responds with the hormonal signal to replenish nutritional stores making you feel hungry. The resultant extra eating may cause weight gain.

So, Cortisol has become the newest excuse for packing on the pounds. However, research disagrees on whether excessive cortisol actually causes weight gain and fat deposits in your abdominal area.

Some research shows that abdominal fat causes chemical changes that can lower metabolism and increase cravings for sweets, possibly leading to additional weight gain. However, Mayo Clinic dietitian Katherine Zeratsky, RD, LD, doesn’t believe that the amount of cortisol produced by a healthy stressed person is enough to cause weight gain. She says that stress causes you to accumulate excess fat only when your body produces large amounts of cortisol due to side effects of medication or an underlying medical condition like Cushing's syndrome.

Others, like Dr. Caroline Cederquist, board certified family and bariatric physician the majority of whose patients have abdominal weight issues, believes our high stress lifestyles create cortisol-induced symptoms, including abdominal weight gain. This can also lead to higher cholesterol and blood sugar levels and elevated blood pressure, all factors for heart disease.

The research on the role of cortisol in obesity remains speculative. Blaming weight gain on stress ignores the possibility that you’ve developed a habit of eating in response to stress, a learned habit encouraged by brain chemistry that can be unlearned. Future research should settle this question. In the meantime, lower your stress, eat healthfully, exercise and avoid giving into the temptation of carbohydrates when stressed.

Here’s the bottom line to weight loss. It always has been which suggests it always will be—until a miracle weight loss treatment is invented. There are two ways to lose weight: eat fewer (and better) calories and burn more of those calories by moving your body more. Period.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of Inter Action Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization

Specific goals needed when trying to lose weight
Keeping eating, exercise journal can reveal habits
Stress for Success
February 24, 2009


“A goal without a plan is just a dream.”

How many times have you tried to lose weight and been successful – for a month or two?

If you know you “should” lose weight but you’ve historically failed, add a plan to support your goals and increase your likelihood of success.

Since a first step in changing anything is becoming consciously aware of your present behavior, for the next month keep an eating and exercising journal to reveal your habits, therefore what needs to change. Note what you eat for every meal and in between. Be brutally honest with yourself or this will be of little benefit. Also note any and all exercise you get during the same month.

Then circle all that work against your weight loss efforts. These indicate what your goal setting must include.

Next, along with your physician write specific and measurable goals that gradually decrease your consumption of sugars, fats, and decrease portion-size, and increase the amount of fresh fruits, vegetables, whole grains and exercise. For example for March:
§ Decrease from two cans of sugar soda to one can daily;
§ Eat at least three servings of fresh fruits and vegetables/day;
§ Drink at least four glasses of water daily;
§ Walk for 15 minutes, five days a week;
§ Lose one pound/week

After you’ve accomplished these goals, reset them to completely eliminate sugar drinks, eat at least five daily servings of fruits and veggies and walk for at least 30 minutes five times a week for April and beyond.

No matter your present weight, to prevent obesity and its associated health problems and to make your goals easier to attain:
§ Continue recording your food intake and exercise routine to keep yourself honest and on target;
§ Study your food/exercise journal to identify what precedes your eating binges, avoid those situations and develop a strategy to handle them. For instance substitute boredom with something you see as positive like participating in a hobby or calling a supportive person.
§ Exercise most days for 30 – 60 minutes of moderately intense physical activity, like fast walking or biking to keep off the pounds;
§ Eat far more low-calorie, nutrient-dense foods (fruits, vegetables and whole grains) and limit saturated fats, sweets and alcohol. Eat a wide variety of foods keeping the high-fat and high-calorie foods to a minimum only for special occasions.
§ Weigh yourself regularly, at least weekly. Apply the brakes to bad habits when you’re 3 – 5 pounds over your target weight.

Some seriously obese may qualify for medications and even surgery; but do your research. There are side-effects and possible negative consequences. You may need to take the medications indefinitely because when they’re stopped much or all of the weight generally returns. As with any surgery, complications like pneumonia, blood clots, etc. can occur.

To gain control over your weight and conditioning commit to making lifestyle changes of eating healthier and moving your body more. Make both enjoyable so your new habits are easy to continue.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of Inter Action Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization

Overcome survival instincts to lose weight
Stress for Success
February 3, 2009

I used to be ravenous in my 20s and feared that I’d never get control of my eating. My near-daily splurges included three big Snickers bars, an entire three-row package of cheap cookies, or a large bag of potato chips.

But here’s what really woke me up. After moving to a new apartment with all new kitchen supplies I discovered to my horror that I’d consumed an entire 3-pound can of Crisco in one month! I loved greasy popcorn.

Once I became conscious of this disgusting fact I completely quit eating popcorn for many years. Now I infrequently eat microwave popcorn.

Had I continued gorging I’d be a candidate for the 86% of Americans who could be overweight or obese by 2030, including 96% of non-Hispanic black women and 91% of Mexican American men. As much as $956.9 billion might be spent for overweight and obesity-related costs, one of every six health-care dollars. All of this is according to Youfa Wang, MD, PhD, associate professor with the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, Center for Human Nutrition.

The overweight or obese are at increased risk for developing hypertension, type 2 diabetes, heart disease and stroke. Researchers estimate that children and young adults may have shorter life expectancies than their parents if this obesity epidemic continues unabated.

But as I wrote last week, much of our obesity problem comes from the human survival instinct to protect against future starvation by eating calorie-dense fats and sugars and eating more than we need.

Whether you want to lose weight from your holiday excesses or you simply need to shed some pounds you’ll have to overcome this evolutionary programming of eating until you’re full. My favorite advice is from Michael Pollan, author of "The Omnivore's Dilemma," "Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants."

You’ll also need to develop greater awareness of your excesses and the willpower to change until healthier eating becomes a lifestyle.

Deidre Barrett, professor of psychology at Harvard and author of “Wasteland” says, “… most people fail in the first three days on a diet,” so it’s important to know what to expect. It takes:
* 72 hours of cravings to reset hormonal levels;
* Another couple of weeks before dieting becomes easier;

She also suggests no cheating on a diet because taking an absolute approach is better than moment-to-moment decision-making regarding what to eat.

Your instinct to eat until you’re full also triggers rationalizations that you must become consciously aware of and argue against. How do you justify eating something you know isn’t on your diet? “I’ve had a stressful day and having ice cream won’t kill me.” Argue against your excuses. “I may deserve something for being stressed but it doesn’t have to be food.”

When in my 20s I didn’t realize it was instinct driving my eating habits. I thought I was just a pig (that’s harsh but you should have seen what I ate!) I simply came to the conclusion that I’d rather be healthy than full. How about you?

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of Inter Action Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com with your questions or for information about her workshops on this and other topics and to invite her to speak to your organization