Stress for Success

2012-01-24T13:55:00.000-05:00

Assure kids of your love and support
Stress for Success
January 24, 2012

To build your children’s Stress Safety Net (SSN) the second and most important component is your unconditional love: to love them without condition. It’s the thread that holds everything together.

Unconditional love doesn’t require you to always approve of their behavior; you love them in spite of it. You’re there for them, yet won’t necessarily rescue them from foolish behavior. You can apply consequences to their misbehavior, even punish them, and still love them.

Todd stood by his teenage son who repeatedly got into trouble with the law. Each time he received a call from the police, he’d go through the process without rescuing him and assuring him of his love while his son faced the consequences. Eventually, his son got involved in sports and slowly straightened himself out. He even thanked Todd for making him take responsibility for his own behavior while still supporting him.

Unconditional love requires connecting with your kids regularly, lovingly, playfully, and much more often than not, positively. This allows you to survive the normal, uncomfortable connections.

Keep in mind, if your kids don’t connect with you positively, they’ll connect with you negatively; chronic fighting and clinging are examples.

A young single mother of two small children felt drained most of the time working a full-time job and managing the home front all alone. When home she raced around trying to get everything done. Her kids clung to her making it even more difficult. Someone advised her to spend an uninterrupted weekend hour with both of her kids doing fun things together. Much to her amazement, after a couple of weeks, her kids quit clinging to her the rest of the week. They’d been starved for her full attention. Once they received it they felt more secure and loved.

With all kids these moments are to create a trusting relationship. With older kids they’re also to know what’s going on in their lives. Peer pressure can get them into situations they’re unable to handle well. You must keep your eyes open to what your kids, their friends, and other kids in their age group are doing.

Whatever your child’s age, these connections don’t have to be time consuming; most take just minutes. Like reading your child a story after school, watching TV together, sitting together while you both do your “homework,” or daily exchanging hugs and kisses in the car.

All kids, regardless of their ages and resistance, need these special moments. Nurture them.

Unconditional love also requires being nonjudgmental. Judgments feel like you’re putting a condition on your love. As parents you want to help your children do well admonishing, “Don’t be a slob chewing with your mouth open.” “You’re too lazy about school work.”

Instead of labeling your child lazy or a slob, describe the behavior you want to change. “Chew with your mouth closed, please,” or “Set aside two hours to do homework when you get home.” Your kids respond better when you deliver it this way.

Next week we’ll cover teaching your children your positive values.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her audio program Teaching Kids how to Manage Stress and her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2012-01-17T10:39:00.000-05:00

Parents role models for children’s behavior
Kids learn more from you, especially at earlier ages, than from any other source
Stress for Success
January 17, 2012

Teaching kids how to manage their stress is a gift that will pay them dividends for the rest of their lives.

First build them a Stress Safety Net (SSN) so they can feel safe, secure and loved. This creates a springboard from which they can launch into their challenges and opportunities. The first component of this SSN is “Parents as Role Models,” (adapted from my audio program, “Teaching Kids how to Manage Stress.”)

Parents are their children’s number one role models. Kids learn more from you, especially at earlier ages, than from any other source. What has your own stress management style taught your children, who learn from both your effective and ineffective strategies? How you communicate, manage your emotions and handle conflicts teach your children something.

To become conscious of what you’re teaching your kids, ask yourself, “Is how I’m handling this stressful situation how I want to teach my kids to handle similar situations?” If not, you need to learn to better handle it yourself. You cannot teach what you don’t understand, so learn and practice stress reduction skills for yourself. Your children will learn from your example.

An essential tool to improve what you model is to understand that the role you play with your children largely dictates their role in reaction to you. A change in your role almost always brings about a change in your child’s behavior. For example, if you constantly remind your kids to do their homework – the reminder role - they’ll react by taking on the role of forgetful or dutiful child perhaps. If you’re not happy with the forgetful role you may nag that child to remind her to do her homework. But your reminder role keeps her in her forgetful role!

The point? To get a different outcome with her change the role you’re playing: stop reminding. Identify and announce a different role that would encourage her to take more responsibility like the supportive role. Only step in to help her with homework when she asks. This new role requires you to stop reminding her. If she chooses to forget she’ll pay the consequences. She’ll probably blame you for her own forgetfulness but don’t get hooked by that. One day she’ll figure out that you truly have stopped reminding leaving her to remind herself.

In situations that your kids aren’t handling well figure out if the role you’re playing makes you part of the solution or part of the problem. If part of the problem, which other role could you play to encourage your kids to handle the situation more responsibly? If your child has been accused of stealing again and you normally play the protector role shielding them from consequences by denying their culpability, could you take on the investigator role instead and look for the facts before deciding how to handle it?

Understanding that the roles you play actually set the stage for your kids’ behavior opens up entirely new options in changing yourself in hopes of encouraging more responsible behavior from them.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her audio program Teaching Kids how to Manage Stress and her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2012-01-11T10:32:00.001-05:00

Create a stress safety net for your kids
Stress for Success
January 10, 2012

You can’t prevent your kids from experiencing stress (although many “helicopter parents” try their best) but there is much you can do to help them learn to handle it.

All kids need to feel safe, secure and loved. A 35-year study that followed 87 Harvard College men into middle age found the healthiest at age 55 were those who said their parents were the most caring. The young men who said their parents were less loving, and especially those who saw their parents as unjust, were most likely to have illnesses like heart disease and hypertension by age 55.

Parents are the main anchors in children’s lives. When kids feel cared for and loved, their moment-to-to-moment stress is reduced lowering their stress hormones thereby improving immune function, setting the stage for a healthier adulthood.

So, talk to your children. Find out if they feel loved. This isn’t about buying them stuff. It’s about accepting their perceptions of their relationship with you as the truth and acting in a way that your children may experience you as fair and loving.

Just as a trapeze artist can practice new moves with more confidence and less fear knowing there is a safety net below to catch her if she falls, so, too, can children take new risks, try new stress management behaviors, when they know they have a safety net to fall back on when something goes wrong.

Build a stress safety net for the kids in your life. There are six components (adapted from my audio program “Teaching Kids how to Manage Stress):
1. Parents as role models;
2. Unconditional love;
3. Values;
4. Hope and optimism;
5. Problem-solving;
6. Personal responsibility;

If you have a mostly loving relationship with your children you can begin immediately to teach them stress management skills.

However, if you have a distant and distrustful relationship, you’ll need to concentrate on establishing a loving and trusting one first, before they will be open to you teaching them the skills that will follow in future articles. Concentrate on creating the safety net for the next months. When more trust evolves, then you can teach them how to think and how to problem solve.

We don’t normally think about teaching someone how to think. Yet your stressors begin and end with your thoughts about them. Your thoughts represent your beliefs, the underlying source of much stress. Your thoughts trigger your emotional reactions, which dictate your behavioral reactions. For example, your 15-year-old is nervous about a Spanish test. He knows he’ll do terribly (his belief). He tells himself, “I’m so stupid. I’m going to flunk this test.” (Belief/perception communicated through his thoughts.) He feels great anxiety and fear (stress emotions) and feels sick to his stomach (the fight/flight hormones wreaking havoc on his body.)

As a parent how should you handle this? Tell him how smart he is? Confirm that he does poorly in Spanish? Over the following weeks we’ll explore how you can help him handle this and many other challenges.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her audio program Teaching Kids how to Manage Stress and her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2012-01-03T16:14:00.000-05:00

Help your children feel safe, secure, loved
Stress for Success
January 3, 2012

Are your kids stressed? You need to know because they’re bombarded by stress and have fewer resources than adults to deal with it.

They’re also incredibly resilient, handling much stress and surviving parental missteps. Occasional parental screw-up won’t scar them for life. What’s most important is having ongoing, regular interactions with them – mostly loving and supportive - to weather the normal parent/child tensions.

Loving relationships require regularly spending time connecting with them.

To feel safe kids need you, your values and boundaries to define themselves. This helps them learn how to handle life versus feeling unsafe and reacting out of fear and anxiety, inhibiting learning.

Since you cannot completely shield your kids from stress, the best gift you can give them is to help them feel safe, secure and loved. Rather than tell them what to do teach them how to think through their problems, identify options and their consequences.

But first, recognize when they’re stressed. Here are some age-related symptoms:
· Birth to seven: They operate more emotionally than intellectually reacting to stress with fear and anxiety. They make up all kinds of scary scenarios like wild animals lurking outside. They aren’t sophisticated enough to solve most of their problems so you must comfort and calm them when they’re hurt and afraid, explain things to them, teach and protect them.

Their symptoms include changes in mood, behavior and physical health: e.g., more tantrums, greater fear of separation, stuttering, regression to earlier behaviors, refusal to play, sleeping and eating changes.
· 8 – 12: Their world is fast expanding with more responsibilities, choices, and fears of grown-up stuff. Fitting in with peers is more important so fear of rejection by them is common. Their independence/dependence battle also grows. They’re more unpredictable being loving one moment and lashing out the next. Take their sarcasm and insults lightly. Wisely pick and choose your battles.

They’re enthusiastic learners so purposefully teach them stress management skills. Offer your protection and guidance in a fashion that’s respectful of their growing independence.

Their stress symptoms include changes in mood, behavior and physical health plus changes in thinking. They experience more fear and worry, various aches and pains with no apparent physiological cause, perfectionism, refusal to go to school, lower grades.
· 13 – 18: They’re so sure they know everything yet want to be taken care of, too. They’re more independent, secretive and protective of their space. You’ll often feel shut out. They’re away from home more. Peer pressure has built and can get them into possibly life-threatening situations. Hopefully when faced with important decisions they’ll make wise choices.

Continue to offer your protection and connection though they may resist it. Replace forcing them with influencing them. Assertively state your expectations and the consequences if they choose to behave unacceptably. Follow through with your consequences to have credibility.

Their symptoms are also in thinking, mood, behavior, and physical health; e.g., increased aggression, withdrawal, eating disorders, mood swings, depression, truancy.

Next week I’ll cover creating a stress safety net for your kids.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2011-12-27T11:35:00.000-05:00

Take stock of past year before setting your sights on next
Stress for Success
December 27, 2011

How was your 2011? Did you accomplish your 2011 New Year’s resolutions like lose those ten pounds or save more money?

In approaching the New Year we typically think of what we’ll resolve to do in the next year. However, first taking stock of the year you just lived helps you better plan for the next.

At the beginning of 2011, if you had answered the following “magic questions” what would your answers have been?
· What did you want more of? E.g., more time with family, more energy, more savings
· What did you want less of? E.g., fewer arguments, less TV watching, less debt

Your answers make up your desires and wants; your potential goals. Write your answers as they would have been last January.

Next, assess how you did in reaching your goals. Then determine how important each was and still is to you.

If you didn’t make progress on your objectives, why didn’t you? Were your sights set too high? If so, cut them down into more digestible, bite-size targets: instead of losing 20 pounds shoot to lose ten.

Determine how badly you wanted to accomplish them. I believe ultimately we do what we truly want to do. So if you vowed you wanted to have fewer arguments with your spouse but that didn’t happen, what might you be getting out of the continuation of the arguments? Are you a controller and convinced you’re right and s/he’s wrong and it would be going against your own beliefs to back down so you keep arguing? To prove you’re right? Or do the arguments supply the drama you grew up with and grew accustomed to? An absence of this might make you feel uncomfortable.
Also, look at how the goal above is phrased: “to want fewer arguments,” versus “to have fewer arguments.” The former is a desire, the latter requires changing your behavior. Make your new 2012 goal into a specific, measurable behavioral change: “To decrease arguments with my spouse by 50% by June 2012.” This requires you to start by counting how many arguments you presently have before you can begin to decrease them by 50%. It also requires you to have a strategy of how to stop arguing. What is that strategy? Will you deep breathe each time you feel your blood pressure go up with him/her to calm yourself? Will you program yourself to stop arguing, like, “I respond calmly and avoid arguments.”

The truth is, if you don’t really want to accomplish your goals you won’t. And holding onto an unattained goal is stressful. So, set yourself up for success by creating goals:
· You truly want to accomplish;
· That once you achieve them you’ll feel better about yourself;
· That are realistic and measurable;
· That are written down on paper;

The New Year can be a symbolic new beginning and a potentially good time to commit to desired, realistic and rewarding change.

Happy New Year.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2011-12-20T10:04:00.000-05:00

Positive life values can ease holiday stress
Stress for Success
December 20, 2011

Are holiday shopping, cooking - not to mention working - exhausting you?

To make this hectic time less overwhelming let your positive life values serve as your problem-solving and decision-making compass.

Your values determine what you think is right and wrong. They help you plot a course through your stressful world with greater clarity and purpose versus allowing prevailing winds dictate your actions.

Your values determine your character and affect everything you are and do. For example, a store clerk gives you too much change. Valuing honesty over money means you'll return it.

You need clear values and an unwavering commitment to them according to "Stress: Living and Working in a Changing World," by Manning, Curtis and McMillan. They believe "arrested development" occurs when you fail to complete any of the following requirements:
· Know your values
· Cherish them
· Declare them
· Act habitually on them

Consciously choose which values you want to guide your behavior such as:

Acceptance of others as they are
Fairness
Personal growth
Achievement
Family
Personal power
Appearance
Fitness
Physical health
Arts
Honesty
Privacy
Career
Leisure
Quiet time
Creativity
Love
Recognition
Education
Loyalty
Relationships
Enjoyment
Money
Respect for self/others

If you value quiet time but have a house-full of guests consciously allow your values of family and relationships to prevail during their stay. You’re not giving up your quiet time value; you’re just choosing to temporarily accentuate relationships.

To de-stress when someone pushes in front of you, consciously remind yourself that you value “patience” and “acceptance of others.”

Diminish becoming frenzied as you madly dash around making final preparations by focusing on those you’re doing everything for. Ask why you’re doing it, which exposes your values:
· “It brings me joy to please those I love.” Values of “pleasing others”, “love”, and “relationships” are present. As the pressure mounts, remind yourself consciously of these values to de-stress.
· Answers can also uncover stressful values like perfectionism or meeting others’ expectations of you. “I’m doing this because I should; because no one else does it as well as I; if I don’t no one else will; everybody expects me to.” If pleasing others is fear-driven it’s a negative value that can only lead to holiday stress.

Ask yourself, “What do I want to do (vs. have to do)? What do I prefer happen (vs. what should happen)?” To free yourself pursue what you want and prefer vs. what you should or have to do.

Before potentially stressful events, identify which values to honor. For instance, you and your nemesis attend the same Christmas party. Your typical reactions to each other are competitive and defensive. To honor the values you want to display repeat a mantra over and over affirming them: “I respect him and accept him as he is.” Repetitively recite this to yourself before and during the party to act in accordance with your values.

Look ahead to the stressful holiday challenges. Consciously choose the positive values you want to express to serve as your behavioral compass.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2011-12-06T12:34:00.001-05:00

Domestic violence from the victim’s point of view
Stress for Success
December 6, 2011

October was Awareness Month for both Breast Cancer and Domestic Violence (DV). Since it’s difficult to be noticed while competing with breast cancer awareness I’m focusing on domestic violence this month.

To increase understanding of DV I’ve enlisted the help of Abuse Counseling and Treatment (ACT) community educator Christine Kobie.

During stressful times, family arguments over such issues as housework, finances, parenting styles, or sex tend to increase. How each person handles their issues determines whether the conflicts become opportunities to strengthen their relationship or become a matter of power and control. Quarrels accompanied by alcohol and drugs can escalate violence. A relationship becomes unhealthy when jealousy, money, coercion, insults, threats, manipulation or physical violence are used to win arguments or to control the other person.

Those affected by domestic violence go into a survival mode, which creates an overall stress consuming their entire being. Physical signs of stress can include changes in eating patterns, body aches, fatigue, headaches, and of course pain from actual physical abuse. Emotional and psychological effects may include feelings of numbness, isolation, depression, confusion, and constant fear, while being hyper-alert.

Societal opinions and ignorance regarding abusive relationship dynamics often blame the victim creating a fear of judgment from loved ones. One client reported feeling as if everyone knew her secret; her neighbors, friends, family and co-workers. Victims often isolate themselves for fear of someone getting close and finding out the truth of what is going on in the home. When there’s noticeable evidence of violence the victim invents believable excuses for those around her.

Victims of DV can become paralyzed by their fears and worries over increased violence, keeping the peace, the effects on the kids, saving enough money to move to a safe place, and finding the strength to keep trying. It’s common that children are used as pawns in a game through threats to take them away.

Domestic violence also impacts employers when an employee misses work due to an injury. Some abusive partners also create problems by repeatedly calling the workplace, showing up and causing a disruption or by not allowing the employee to leave for work, forcing her to be late or to miss work. The victim is usually in a constant state of fear of losing her job; getting fired means financial dependence giving the abusive partner even more control.

The stress of living with family violence can be alleviated through:
· Counseling: many clients find common ground with others in their session. ACT provides counseling, helps create safety plans and offers emergency shelter for victims, their children and pets. The 24-hour hotline is (239) 939-3112.
· Daily journaling, reading, warm baths and walks outside help clear the mind and relax the body.

Christine Kobie, international speaker and ACT public educator, teaches healthy parenting and violence prevention throughout Lee County to parents and in schools, medical settings, and detention centers. Christine has appeared on many local and national radio and talk shows. Schedule a presentation or request more information by emailing her at ckobie@actabuse.com.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2011-11-30T10:24:00.001-05:00

Home not always place to find respite, safety
Stress for Success
November 30, 2011

Home is supposed to be welcoming, comfortable and pleasant; a respite away from your active and often stressful public life.

But what if you don’t feel safe in your own home? What if your home is more of a prison than a refuge? What if you fear for not only your own safety but for that of your children? The stress this creates is something families free of domestic violence can only attempt to understand.

October was Domestic Violence Awareness Month, competing with Breast Cancer Awareness Month. So I’ve waited until now to address the potentially extreme stress of domestic violence.

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, National Center for Victims of Crime, and WomensLaw.org, domestic violence includes:
· A pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner.
· It can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.

Physical abuse includes:
· Hitting, slapping, shoving, grabbing, pinching, biting, hair pulling, etc.
· It also includes denying a partner medical care or forcing alcohol and/or drug use upon him or her.

Sexual abuse is:
· Coercing or attempting to coerce any sexual contact or behavior without consent including but not limited to marital rape, attacks on sexual parts of the body, forcing sex after physical violence has occurred, or treating one in a sexually demeaning manner.

Emotional abuse is:
· Undermining someone’s sense of self-worth and/or self-esteem.
· This may include constant criticism, diminishing one's abilities, name-calling, or damaging one's relationship with his or her children.

Economic abuse:
· Making or attempting to make an individual financially dependent by maintaining total control over financial resources, withholding one's access to money, or forbidding one's attendance at school or employment.

Psychological abuse:
· Causing fear by intimidation; threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends; destruction of pets and property; and forcing isolation from family, friends, or school and/or work.

Domestic violence can happen to anyone regardless of race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender. It affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels. It occurs in both opposite-sex and same-sex relationships and can happen to intimate partners who are married, living together, or dating.

Domestic violence not only affects those who are abused, but also has a substantial effect on family members, friends, co-workers, other witnesses, and the community at large. Children, who grow up witnessing domestic violence, are among those seriously affected by this crime. Frequent exposure to violence in the home not only predisposes children to numerous social and physical problems, but also teaches them that violence is a normal way of life therefore, increasing their risk of becoming society's next generation of victims and abusers.

If you need help, call the National domestic violence hotlines:
· 800-799-SAFE (7293)
· 800-787-3224

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2011-11-22T10:54:00.000-05:00

Being grateful balances stress
Stress for Success
November 22, 2011

Thanksgiving reminds us to be grateful for what we have. This balances stress by providing a better perspective on life.

Listing what you’re grateful for in difficult situations also limits their ability to overwhelm you. So, if you’re stressed by a traffic jam remind yourself you’re grateful you’re A-C works, there’s good music to listen to, etc.

Today I challenge you to stretch your conscious awareness of what you’re grateful for. This serves as a reminder that life is significantly better than you sometimes think.

Here’s my partial list. I’ll start at the beginning.

I’m grateful I was born to my parents who encouraged in all of us kids curiosity, personal responsibility, self-confidence, kindness, etc. They passed on their love of music and supported our vocal and instrumental musical development. This gave me the wonderful skill of reading music, opening up a life-time of joy. The challenge of reading, learning and performing with the Symphonic Chorale of SW FL (our new name) gives me bliss.

I’m also grateful my parents encouraged me to pursue whatever I wanted, which led me to a great education and a 27-month stint in the Peace Corps. This experience greatly expanded my mind through adventures, learning a second language and fascinating relationships. It made me realize I needed to work in the world of ideas, which has fueled my motivation since the 1970s.

I’m eternally grateful that I married a loving, kind, intelligent, creative and funny man; my best friend for almost 35 years. I’m thankful for the trust we have and the security that engenders. This loving existence almost certainly contributes to our on-going good health, for which I’m eternally thankful.

I’m also eternally grateful for our wide circle of dear friends. We’ve helped each other through great times and not-so-great ones. We’re always there for each other. We laugh and we cry - together.

I must include our local weather: no hurricanes this year, just plenty of nourishing rain, and an early fall, always good for my thinning MN blood.

We’re grateful our house sale, finding and buying a new one and moving are behind us. Good grief! We’re thankful our beloved cat, who went missing for two weeks after moving into our new neighborhood, found his way back home. We’re so impressed with the many kind neighbors who helped us look for him.

I’m grateful for sunsets and sun rises, the sound of the wind through the pine trees, no mortgage, funny people, my husband’s great cooking, the sweet premature babies I volunteer with at Health Park and the incredible nurses who run the Progressive Care Nursery. I’m thankful for a good night’s sleep, meditation, a commitment to things that are bigger than myself, that I virtually never get bored, and summers off – soon.

What are you thankful for? Make a very long list. Review it, especially when times are difficult. In anxious situations list a few things about that very situation for which you’re grateful. You minimize your stress each time you do this.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2011-11-15T10:04:00.000-05:00

Cause of your stress not always what you think
Stress for Success
November 15, 2011

Do you assume you usually know what causes your stress? Are you sure you’re right?

Often what you think is stressing you really isn’t. That’s why accurately identifying the actual cause of your stress is the first step in managing it.

To do this you need to understand the most important point in stress management: stress is in the mind of the beholder. What stresses you may or may not stress me and vice versa. In other words, more often than not, your stress is in how you interpret situations; more often than not much if not most of your stress is in your head.

For example, what’s your attitude toward our winter visitors? If you’re grateful for the business they represent you’re probably not, in general, be stressed by them. But if you find traffic jams and long lines at area restaurants aggravating you’re stressed and may wish the Snow Birds would go back home!

I hate to tell you this, but the Snow Birds aren’t causing your stress. If they were, everyone would have to be equally stressed by them.

It’s not to say you should or shouldn’t think about our tourist season in any certain way. The point is that stress is in the mind of the beholder. When you behold irritation and inconvenience you’re stressed. When you behold economic gain you’re not.

To complicate the picture, every day humans find what they look for. If you perceive the tourist season to be a hassle, you’ll look for and find evidence of it. If you see economic benefits you’ll look for and find confirmation of that.

Miss this point and you’ll miss great opportunities for problem-solving, therefore stress reduction. Here’s why.

Your perception or interpretation of stressors determines the options you can see to solve them. Assuming tourists stress you leaves you with no real options for problem-solving because your view suggests the tourists must change for you to feel better. When will this happen? Don’t hold your breath! Tourists are beyond your control. Effective problem-solving requires you to invest your energy into that which is within your control.

What is within your control is your choice of reactions. “In all situations that stress you, you have a minimum of two options. You can go crazy or you can go peacefully. The choice is always yours.” – Adelle Greenfield.

If you want to go more peacefully and lower your stress coping with heavy traffic and the busyness tourism brings to our area, what are your options? You could put on relaxing music when stuck in traffic, avoid traffic when possible during rush hours, leave early, you could focus on the benefits of tourism, or you could find some humor in frustrating situations. It’s really up to you how much stress you experience.

So what’s it going to be? Do you want to go crazy or go peacefully? The choice truly is yours. Make your choice soon because with any luck we’ll have a great and busy upcoming season.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2011-09-14T09:19:00.000-04:00

Post-traumatic Stress sufferers need security
Insecurity at root of fear, overreactions
Stress for Success
September 13, 2011

The American Legion has supported veterans suffering from combat stress since World War I, when returned vets were turning up in jails, hospitals, asylums and on street corners, haunted by battles long-gone. Legion research exposed this problem, which helped create the VA.

Decades of wars and research later combat stress is now known as post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD. The Legion dropped “disorder” because of its stigmatizing implication since many soldiers avoid treatment for fear it will hurt their careers. So I’ll refer to the condition as PTS.

About 20% of Iraq/Afghanistan soldiers are returning with PTS or depression, which is compounded by traumatic brain injury (TBI) and sexual assaults, states a 2008 study by the RAND Corporation. Approximately half have sought treatment from the VA.

According to the cover story of the September 2011 The American Legion magazine, “The War Within: the battle against post-traumatic stress,” today’s vets have benefitted from earlier vets’ experiences. Upon returning home, Viet Nam veterans rejected the diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia says Ken Jones, a veteran of that war. He says, “We don’t know what we are, but we aren’t that.” Back before PTS was understood, clinicians diagnosed many vets with paranoid schizophrenia due to their reported symptoms like flashbacks and hyper-vigilance that resembled schizophrenia’s diagnostic criteria of hallucinations and paranoia. Viet Nam era soldiers’ experiences brought PTS to the attention of the medical and research communities and has helped all sufferers of post-trauma stress.

What struck me from the article was a statement made by returning soldier’s wife, Melissa Seligman, when her husband described the aftermath of a suicide bombing he witnessed in Iraq. She said, “There’s something so horrible about somebody being so traumatized … (and) there’s no emotion attached.”

Imagine what the brain must do to detach so from the trauma.

I spoke about PTS with a dear friend, Dr. John Klebba, PhD, Physiological Psychology, a retired Naval Reserve Captain in Naval Intelligence. Jack participated in debriefing of prisoners of war from Viet Nam in 1973 so has first-hand experience with survivors of war trauma.

Dr. Klebba said, “I believe the essential aspect of treating PTSD is the rebuilding of self-confidence and security. Fear is a severe feeling of insecurity. After experiencing the traumas associated with combat those personnel afflicted with PTSD are sensitized to endocrine-neurologically over-react to almost any event they perceive as threatening their sense of security.

“The civilian aspects of coping (achieving security) involve good relationships with family, friends and co-workers. The more competently the PTSD person can handle these situations, the less fearful will be their life-space, and less often will the sympathetic (fight-or-flight) nervous system be called into play.

“In many cases there will be instances when the chimeras come storming back, so it is important that the PTSD person be given ‘go-to’ strategies such as whom to call (e.g., VA crisis line: 800-273-8255, press 1), Transcendental Meditation, physical exercise, etc. The more secure and the better they cope the less anxious, misbehaved or depressed they’ll be.”

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2011-09-06T08:43:00.001-04:00

Transcendental Meditation can balance the PTSD brain
Do it twice a day to reduce stress
Stress for Success
September 6, 2011

If you suffer from Post-traumatic Stress Disorder due to repetitive childhood trauma and/or from serving in war zones would you be interested in significantly reducing your symptoms through a natural and free practice? Would it be worth developing this technique and practicing it daily?

Transcendental Meditation, T.M., is the technique I’m referring to. It was introduced by Maharishi Mahesh Yogii in 1957. Contrary to what some believe TM isn’t a religion nor based on any religious teaching requiring any particular set of beliefs.

Scores of independent scientific studies have established TM’s value. The Journal of Clinical Psychology in 1989, for example, compared the effectiveness of different relaxation techniques in lowering anxiety. TM was found to make the greatest difference. TM was found to help decrease depression, digestive problems, insomnia, psychosomatic disease, and reliance on smoking (for more information go to www.natural-healing-for-all.com).

It’s applicability to treating PTSD was established by University of CO neurophysiologist Dr. James Austin who documented through the fMRI how T.M. rewires brain circuitry for greater calmness that the trauma wired for anxiety. Also, a pilot study published in the June 2011 issue of Military Medicine found military veterans experienced a 50% reduction in PTSD symptoms after only eight weeks of practicing T.M.

To learn T.M.:
1. Choose a mantra, which is a sound, syllable, word or phrase on which to focus; e.g., “God is love,” “I’m relaxed.”
2. Get comfortable in a quiet place eliminating distractions like kids and telephones. To successfully meditate you must focus. You can lie or sit down.
3. Close your eyes and relax each separate part of your body starting with your feet, working to the top of your head. This becomes easier with practice.
4. Deepen your relaxation by breathing deeper and slower. Consciously inhale slowly and deeply; exhale slowly. Exhale more deeply than you inhale. Count your breaths: inhale to the count of six; hold your breath for four counts; exhale to nine, and hold again for four counts; do over and over. Notice your mind and body relaxing more and more.
5. Focus on your mantra. Repeat it softly for one minute. Each time say it more and more softly. Once you’ve said it as softly as you can, repeat your mantra only in your mind. Don’t force yourself to concentrate on it but feel it relax you. You may become easily distracted at first. If so, deep breathe and refocus on your mantra. Your focus will improve dramatically with practice.
6. Focus on feeling your connection to life itself, while continuing to mentally repeat your mantra for about twenty minutes. When distracting thoughts come to your mind, or if you forget your mantra, calmly allow it to come back and return to focus back on your mantra.

Return your attention to your surroundings naturally after twenty minutes. Always stretch before you get up.

If you suffer from PTSD practice TM twice daily for at least two months to see if it begins to diminish your symptoms. You have nothing to lose but stress.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2011-08-22T20:26:00.001-04:00

Repetitive trauma rewires human brain
Vivid memories, hormones protect us from threats
Stress for Success
August 23, 2011

Those who’ve experienced repetitive trauma have probably experienced the re-wiring of their brains for survival purposes. This re-wiring can also cause great distress through Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder – PTSD - symptoms like nightmares, panic attacks, depression, etc.

But why are some people more vulnerable to developing these symptoms than others who’ve gone through the same experiences, like war time trauma?

Here’s an abbreviated explanation, adapted from Pamela Wolf’s book, “Finding Balance after the War Zone,” minus the scientific terminology, to gain a better understanding of how the brain functions to protect you from threat.

The brain structures that regulate our stress reactions include the:
· Primitive “Reptilian Brain” stem;
· More recent limbic system or “Mammalian Brain”, especially the amygdala;
· Highest and most recently developed cerebral cortex;

The most powerful player is the amygdala, whose purpose is to protect us like a guard dog responding to threat. It stores unconscious emotional “flashbulb memories” and reacts to incoming stimuli by recalling memories that might be related. So a gunshot and a car backfiring can be perceived to be the same. When the amygdala receives signals that remind it of past threats, even if very different from previous threats, it recalls those memories as if they were happening now, releasing powerful hormones:
· Sympathetic nervous system’s (SNS) adrenaline, norepinephrine, etc., which are meant for vigorous exercise like the physical fight/flight in response to threat;
· Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS) hormones like cortisol, oxytocin, etc.;

An important job of the brain is to create resiliency for bouncing back after stress by balancing the SNS and PSN chemical systems.

Our astonishing brains have also developed more sophisticated structures to help the primitive amygdala understand what’s really happening, to decide whether or not to release stress hormones, and when to stop by:
· Providing conscious, detailed memories of what happened in the past to put into perspective what’s happening now.
· Helping reason with the amygdala by working with other brain regions when the amygdala overreacts.
· Assessing the threat, weighing the options and consequences and coming up with a plan to calm the amygdala.

All of these are meant to facilitate handling present day stress, slow down reaction time to stress to allow for better problem-solving, and to self-soothe.

A problem for some PTSD sufferers however, is these higher brain regions that balance the reactive amygdala are developed during one’s brain growth-spurt in infancy, through loving caregivers who:
· Provide important receptive face-to-face contact;
· Demonstrate an understanding of our needs and feelings;
· Respond to our stress in soothing ways that in turn teach us to self-soothe;
· Validate the world is generally a safe place;

But if your trauma is childhood abuse you were less likely to experience this calming caregiving. According to Wolfe, over-development of the emotional sections of your brain and under-development of the higher brain functions can make you more vulnerable to developing PTSD symptoms. Next week we’ll consider ways to diminish those symptoms.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2011-08-16T08:24:00.000-04:00

PTSD likely the result of an overtaxed brain
Stress for Success
August 16, 2011

Those suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, experience many symptoms: flashbacks, nightmares, angry outbursts, depression, unemployment, homelessness, nightmares and panic attacks; all normal reactions to trauma, especially repetitive trauma.

Thanks to the recent explosion in brain research a greater understanding of PTSD is emerging along with promising treatments giving hope to its sufferers, whether military veterans, childhood abuse or violent crime survivors.

To better appreciate PTSD, it’s important to understand how the brain and body handle threats. We’ll look at this from a soldier’s point of view.

Pamela Wolf, author of “Finding Balance after the War Zone,” says a soldier’s neurological stress and survival systems keep him alert to protect him. But these systems were never meant to stay on high alert for weeks or months on end. Humans were designed to handle short-term stress, followed by periods of rest that allow our stress systems to return to balance. This balance of stress and rest protects us from illness, disease development and PTSD.

Heightened alertness for extended periods of time, whether from military redeployments or repetitive childhood abuse, inhibits the higher brain regions from regulating the amygdala, the primitive brain structure responsible for forming and storing memories associated with emotion. It’s the most powerful player in regulating stress reactions and protecting us from threats.

The amygdala is like your survival system’s guard dog. It’s always looking for threats, and when it perceives one it attacks first and asks questions later. When the amygdala is on high alert for months and months, it creates PTSD symptoms in some.

The amygdala stores unconscious pieces of memories like pictures, sounds, scents and feelings. When the brain’s relay system, the thalamus, sends the amygdala signals that remind it of past threats, even if these indicators are very different from earlier threats, the amygdala goes on the defense by bringing up those memories as if they were happening now, setting off the chemical fight/flight/freeze response.

Our bodies always strive for balance even with significant stress through allostasis— the process of achieving stability through physiological or behavioral change. It’s similar to extending out your arms leaning from side to side when trying to balance walking on a narrow plank.

The autonomic nervous system, which controls metabolism, heart rate, breathing, etc., strives for balance through its two “arms” that rise and fall in relation to the other:
· Sympathetic nervous system (SNS): speeds up our stress response processes like heart rate, breathing, metabolism, muscle tightening, energy, etc., to fight or flee from our temporary stress;
· Parasympathetic nervous system (PNS): attempts to keep us safe when we are helpless, and quiets down the SNS to return to physical balance;

These natural, automatic stress and survival systems protect us from threat, but when imbalanced from being on high alert too long can also cause great distress.

The return to physiological balance is what we need to do to protect ourselves from the ravages of stress. For suffers of PTSD, there are treatments that can help restore this healthier balance; more on this next week.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2011-08-12T10:29:00.001-04:00

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder help available
Stress for Success
August 9, 2011

My heart goes out to those who’ve experienced trauma, especially repetitive trauma, like soldiers after multiple deployments to Iraq and/or Afghanistan. The repetitive nature of war stress increases soldiers’ vulnerability to developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD.

Dr. Prakash Nagarkatti, University of South Carolina associate dean, says more than 35% of Iraq and Afghanistan veterans have received mental health diagnoses -- the most prevalent being PTSD. The latest military mental health survey found fewer than 46% seek help leaving untreated soldiers more vulnerable to unemployment, domestic abuse, divorce, homelessness and suicide.

According to Pamela Wolf, author of “Finding Balance after the War Zone,” post-deployment stress effects fall along continuums:
• From acute stress symptoms to chronic PTSD;
• From a mild loss of energy to major depression;
• From trouble at work to unemployment;
• From a few problems at home to divorce or domestic violence;
• From blowing off steam to serious problems with the law;
• From a few drinking binges to a fifth-a-day habit;

For those suffering from PTSD, regardless of the source of their trauma whether from war stress, violent crime or childhood abuse, during the days, weeks and months following the traumatic event(s) more serious stress symptoms surface. Reality sets in. They feel more alone, helpless and overwhelmed than before the event(s).

The following symptoms are normal reactions to abnormal events - and there is help. Symptoms last for a few days to several weeks or longer according to the DSM IV (diagnostic guide for clinicians) and include:
· Repeated and stressful dreams, thoughts or images of the stressor event;
· Flashbacks making it feel like the events are happening again;
· Physiological stress reactions, e.g., rapid heartbeat, elevated blood pressure, panic attacks;
· Mental reactions develop to cues that are reminders of the traumatic event;
· Avoidance of anything that triggers these reactions by:
o Avoiding feelings, thoughts or conversations about traumatic experiences;
o Avoiding activities, people or places that remind you of it;
o Having trouble recalling important aspects of it;
o Feeling detached or isolated from others;
o Restricting your ability to love or feel other strong emotions;
· Sufferers experience symptoms of post-trauma hyper-arousal like:
o Insomnia
o Angry outbursts or irritability
o Poor concentration
o Excessive vigilance
o Increased startle response

Wolf says PTSD sufferers’ stress systems respond to intense or unrelenting stress and thereby develop chemical imbalances. It’s common the sufferer instinctively attempts to self-medicate with alcohol, street drugs or misuse of prescription medications. When these drugs leave the person’s system, unconscious, trauma symptoms like stored memories emerge with possibly higher levels of intensity. Hiding or diminishing post-trauma symptoms may be easier than hiding the self-medication.

There is good news, too. PTSD need not be dire. New understanding of what causes it and new treatment options are expanding. Those suffering from PTSD can also be impressively resilient. They’ve accepted they aren’t weak or crazy. They’ve learned how the brain is structured and how it works to understand PTSD’s symptoms, my topic for next week.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html and request she speak to your organization.

2011-07-12T08:59:00.001-04:00

Reduce job hunting stress
Stress for Success
July 12, 2011

There’s significant stress when under- or unemployed. You can’t eliminate all of it but you can manage much of it. Here are some considerations:
· Get your budget under control: What have you cut? Where can you cut more? What’s your Plan B if you don’t get a job soon: bring in renters to help with your mortgage? Move in with family until you’re back on your feet?
· Gain perspective: Ask yourself, “What’s the worst, best and most likely outcome of my situation?” Plan for the worst and hope for the best. Your answers could range from getting a job today to ending up on the streets.
· Be grateful for your options, like accepting public assistance or family loans.
· Create an employment file to avoid reinventing the wheel for every job application. Include the paperwork you’ll repetitively need: diplomas, certificates, and cover letter template that you customize for each submission.
· Stick to a disciplined schedule: It’s easy to become a depressed couch potato when out of work so schedule your days to instill discipline. Perhaps Mondays you’ll check opportunities on-line and follow-up on existing contacts, Tuesdays you’ll network, etc. Schedule breaks, too.
· Develop a job hunting plan: Don’t apply for every opening just to stay busy. Why go through unnecessary rejections with jobs you don’t fit? Instead, identify employers you’d like to work for and those for whom you’re qualified to work.

Next, set realistic, specific goals and time frames for contacting prospective employers. E.g., apply for at least three positions weekly, spend four hours daily networking and researching, update resume by this Friday, etc.
· Use a data base with its invaluable follow-up reminders to manage your contacts, results, follow-up, etc.
· Research the unlimited on-line information for likely interview questions, resume writing tips, etc.
· Rehearse interviewing with friends or family using plausible interview questions.
· Stand out from the crowd in this competitive environment: Be punctual, dress appropriately, use good grammar, etc.
· Update your skills for your area’s job market realities.
· Get help and network: Get a coach if you can afford one. Network with others in your industry to stay up on trends and opportunities. Volunteer to get the skills you need. Ask for help for any skills you lack from budgeting to interviewing.
· Seek a balance between making things happen and letting them happen. Avoid becoming obsessed with your job search. Balance it with recreation and time with family and friends. However, if you’re on a perpetual break, you need to put more energy into making your job search happen.
· Learn from each rejection. If someone else got the job, seek to understand why you didn’t. Learn from each “failed” interview to improve for your next.
· Protect your health by eating and sleeping well. Exercise daily and find humor in your circumstance to create emotional balance.

Job hunting is stressful enough. Manage what you can so your resilience will be greater for what you can’t control.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html and request she speak to your organization.

2011-07-05T11:38:00.000-04:00

Perfectionism, procrastination, pessimism sabotage job hunts
Stress for Success
July 5, 2011

If you’re going through a stressful job search, I hope you allowed yourself to enjoy the holiday weekend and took time off to relax and renew. Now it’s back to the job of finding a job.

How much stress you face when unemployed is influenced by several factors, including:
· Are you an optimist or a pessimist?
· Are you mostly unflappable? Or do even small disappointments throw you off balance?
· Do you react to life circumstances with guilt or are you relatively free of this emotion?
· Were you an executive with a generous severance package or were you laid off without notice?
· Have you lived within your means or paycheck to paycheck?

These considerations contribute to the degree to which you feel out of control due to your job loss. The sense of losing control creates anxiety and prospective employers can smell insecurity a mile away.

Establishing greater personal control reduces anxiety, which allows your enthusiasm, self-confidence and composure to shine through. Reduced anxiety also helps you stand out from your competitors by positively influencing how you feel about and how you project yourself, like during interviews.

To reduce your anxiety, avoid these three traits:
· Perfectionism: Getting lost in making every detail of your updated resume or your job search tracking system perfect wastes time. Reduce how your perfectionism expresses itself. Only allow yourself to be “perfect” in areas that are very important to your job search.
· Procrastination: Putting off the undesirable, normal as it is, also causes anxiety. Perfectionism is often a method of procrastination. To minimize it write your specific job search goals along with the steps to achieve them with firm deadlines for each step. Assign your spouse, a friend or a coach to keep your toes to the fire to meet these deadlines. Be forgiving of yourself if you don’t meet a goal here or there. But if you miss most of your deadlines, you’re procrastinating.

For example, estimate how much time is required to apply for three jobs weekly then establish a firm schedule to accomplish this. If researching, contacting possible employers, sending out resumes and following up require four hours then set aside an untouchable four-hour time frame to get it done. The sooner in the week the better as it helps you feel better about your accomplishments, which can motivate you to apply for more jobs this week.
· Pessimism: It’s easy to feel down when you’re down. Counter all negative assumptions with real evidence – not just positivity. Counter “I’ll never get a job in this competitive market,” with reminding yourself of other jobs or assignments you’ve landed that were also competitive. Every time your mind goes to the negative, refresh your memory with your successes. Focus on your strengths, the benefits you offer a prospective employer and on what’s hopeful rather than your anxieties.

Tempering these traits reduces fear, which automatically increases personal control, leaving space for your hope and energy to expand.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html and request she speak to your organization.

2011-06-28T12:57:00.000-04:00

Grief is natural after loss of job
Stress for Success
June 28, 2011

Have you lost a job during the Great Recession? Job loss is one of today’s most stressful experiences because it strikes at the very core of modern humans’ sense of survival.

Your job can represent much of your identity, meaning, as well as give your life structure. Losing it may hurt your self-esteem and confidence, disrupt your daily routine, and remove a significant part of your social network.

Here are five must-dos to help you through this stressful time.

1. Grief is your natural response to dramatic loss giving way to feelings of anger, fear, guilt, or depression. It’s important to acknowledge and face these normal feelings of loss.

One healthy way to grieve is to journal. It’s best to dump out your heart when you feel the most emotionally vulnerable; when your emotions are on the surface. Regular (daily) journaling releases your emotions, loosening their grip on you; you’ll find you obsess less.

Identify your repetitive and fearful thoughts. If they’re not helping you find another job, challenge them. If you call yourself a “loser” for having lost your job, challenge that by writing down as many of your life successes as you can think of. Get others to add to your list if you find it difficult.

2. If you’re holding on to your anger over being laid off, write your employer four letters you never send. Usually, the first letter is full of venom and hostility. Maybe your second letter will have a bit more understanding of why you were let go. Hopefully, your third and fourth letters allow you to move onto problem-solving and let go of your anger.

3. Accept your new reality. The sooner you do the sooner you’ll move on to replacing your income. Journaling and talking with others help do this making switching your focus from the past to the future easier.

4. Be kind to yourself. Let go of criticizing or blaming yourself, which dismantles your confidence when you need it the most. Knowing you’re not alone probably doesn’t help much but it can relieve you of some of your self-blaming.

5. Identify the lessons you need to learn from your experience and apply them to creating a more successful and secure future. So, if you spent excessively and didn’t save much during the good years, learn from this versus beating yourself up over it. Make a plan to live within your means not just now but for the rest of your life. Maybe your lesson is to work fewer hours and spend more time with family. Or to get the education you’ve always wanted.

For some it may turn out to be a golden opportunity to figure out what you really want to do professionally. It can motivate you to evaluate your life, to rethink your career goals, and rediscover what truly makes you happy.

Which lessons do you need to learn? Successfully moving through this difficult time can make you stronger if you apply what you’ve learned – no small accomplishment.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html and request she speak to your organization.

2011-06-23T07:51:00.001-04:00

Best motivator for employees is greater control
Stress for Success
June 21, 2011

For years my husband kept a great customer service poster in his business office. It’s of Norman Rockwell painting a portrait of himself by looking at himself in a mirror. The caption reads, “Every job you do is a portrait of yourself.”

The portrait you paint of yourself through the quality of your efforts determines your self-esteem, which strongly determines your motivation.

Help your employees paint beautiful portraits of themselves and watch their motivation soar.

Supervisors and managers make or break an organization. Have you trained yours to encourage employee motivation? If not, it may be the main reason many of your employees walk out your door when the economy improves.

As tight as budgets are today management can still help create an environment that encourages individual motivation including:
· Generously giving out sincere recognition and appreciation
· Providing for professional growth opportunities

An even more important motivator is to increase worker control as much as possible. Increase their sense of being the author of their own actions, which leads to a sense of “personal causation.” This means the person feels in control of her life. She sees her efforts produce her desired outcomes all leading to greater intrinsic motivation.

Let’s look at its opposite: external control.

When a worker feels controlled by his boss, for example, it usually leads him to one of two reactions:
1. Compliance: doing what he’s told, which leads to alienation and disengagement because personal causation is lower.
2. Defiance: do the opposite of what’s expected; e.g., an employee’s reaction to a micro-managing boss is often passive aggressive, like sabotaging.

Neither of these dysfunctional reactions is good for productivity, innovation or employee retention. The less control a worker feels the lower his sense of personal causation, which creates more stress and the more compliant or defiant he becomes.

To foster greater autonomy in your employees give them more choice, therefore control. It’s a cost-effective - usually free - way to increase motivation. Consider these ideas:
· Micro-manage less (not at all is better);
· Improve delegation: describe your desired outcome and let the employee decide upon her own way of doing the job, with an appropriate amount of supervisory guidance, versus telling her how to do it. Personal causation could be much greater when allowed to figure out how to accomplish a job versus following directions.
· More involvement in problem solving and decision making where appropriate. Implement helpful employee ideas. Asking for their input then ignoring it only increases cynicism.
· Increase responsibility with the requisite training;
· Quick resolution of customer service problems to make workers’ jobs easier;
· Make work more interesting through cross training and job rotation;
· Make work more meaningful by showing how it fits into the organization’s larger mission and goals. Show how even mundane work contributes to the whole.
· Flextime for dealing with personal responsibilities;

Zig Ziglar once said, “Motivation doesn’t last. Neither does bathing. That’s why it’s recommended daily.”

What can you do daily to foster greater employee motivation?

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html and request she speak to your organization.

2011-06-14T11:09:00.000-04:00

Fathers go through pregnancy too
Stress for Success
June 14, 2011

I was incredibly fortunate to have had a wonderfully loving, strong, father – who wasn’t even at my birth. He attended a high school basketball game that night. Being the sixth and final baby, it seems delivery had become old hat to him.

Times have changed, though. The big message for expectant fathers from Michele Hakakha, MD, award winning obstetrician/gynecologist in Beverly Hills, and Ari Brown, MD, FAAP, an Austin, TX pediatrician, children’s health expert for WebMD and advisor for Parents magazine: It's your pregnancy too.

Hakakha and Brown, coauthors of “Expecting 411: Clear Answers & Smart Advice for Your Pregnancy” (Windsor Peak Press, 2010), wrote their book for both expectant moms and dads. It’s the only pregnancy guide written by two MDs who are moms, and part of the bestselling book series that includes Baby 411 and Toddler 411.

Expectant fathers are much more involved in pregnancy and childbirth today. In fact, some are so intertwined with the pregnancy they experience symptoms like weight gain, nausea, insomnia, and even labor pains, called Couvade Syndrome.

Here are seven tips for dads adapted from their book:
1. Mind your own baby bump. Are you eating for two along with your wife? Your wife will lose a lot of her weight automatically when she has the baby - you won't!
2. Take one for the team. Get your TdaP shot as well as seasonal flu and H1N1 vaccines to protect your precious cargo. Seventy percent of babies who get whooping cough are infected by immediate family members like you.
3. Baby yourself. Have you been to a physician lately? Studies show many men ages 25-45 don't even have primary care physicians. Get a checkup. Find out how your health is doing so you can be around for your growing child.
4. Mind your moods. Research shows that partners are not only at risk for gaining sympathy weight; they may also suffer postpartum depression. Seek help if you feel overwhelming sadness, lack of desire to be around family and friends, severe fatigue, or trouble eating or sleeping after delivery.
5. Prepare for a dry spell. There can't be intercourse for six weeks after the baby is born. But, barring any health issues, you and your wife can have sex up until the last day before she delivers. Sex does not trigger labor - that's an old wives' tale.
6. Engage in baby talk. Babies recognize their parents' voices from inside the womb. So sing Hank Williams songs, recite poetry, or chat with your unborn baby. When your baby is born, she or he will already know you.
7. Dads can nest too. Expectant dads often feel an overwhelming need during pregnancy to rev up the power tools. Paint, spackle, drill, and build to your heart's content, but avoid toxic materials and fumes in the baby's room.

Enjoy the experience of becoming a father and growing as a family. On your deathbed, it’s largely what matters.

And, Happy Father’s Day to all fathers.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html and request she speak to your organization.

2011-06-07T09:44:00.001-04:00

Four tips to help conquer your procrastination
Stress for Success
June 7, 2011

In spite of our survival brains contributing to procrastination by living more in the moment to survive versus the future where goals reside, you can overcome your delaying habits. Timothy A. Pychyl, procrastination researcher at Ottawa's Carlton University suggests the following. Use his ideas in sequence since each follows on the previous one.

1. Neutralize the irrationality of human nature: Researcher Piers Steel, University of Calgary, has shown that humans are predictably illogical. We perceive future rewards as less important than the task at hand, especially if the present task is more pleasant. To counter this, use specific mental images of your future as though it were happening right now. For example, if you’ve put off saving for retirement imagine your detailed, limited retirement budget and how difficult it will be to live on it. Include inflation and the toll it takes on just getting by. Imagine perhaps having to make a choice between eating tonight and taking prescribed medication. You can’t afford both. How does this make you feel?

2. Call on emotional intelligence: When willpower fails, it’s often because short-term emotional needs become more important than long-term goals: Like procrastinating on anxiety-producing tasks by indulging in distractions thereby putting off your responsibility. The greater your emotional intelligence the more likely you can overcome this tendency by acknowledging your negative emotions but not giving in to them. Progress on goals provides the motivation for taking another step so just get started. The negative emotions will pass.

3. Reduce uncertainty and distractions: How meaningful your task is helps determine your ability to overcome inertia. The less meaningful the goal, the less likely you’ll get started. You’re most likely to procrastinate:
a. On undesirable tasks
b. When you’re uncertain how to proceed
c. When the task lacks structure

Along with making your task concrete (tip #1) you need to reduce the uncertainty about how to proceed. Planning is very important for movement. When it’s time to act you’ll also need to reduce distractions. Stop checking email, seek privacy as much as possible, and create an environment that supports your willpower and focus.

4. Cultivate your willpower: Much recent research shows that willpower is like a muscle. You can extinguish it more quickly than you might imagine. When you do, a very negative consequence is losing some ability to control your behavior. To strengthen your resolve and stay on task:
a. Identify a positive value that’s relevant to your task at hand. Values are wonderfully motivating. If you value independence you won’t want to depend upon anyone in retirement. Putting away more savings now would honor this value and strengthen your willpower.
b. Mindfulness: Awareness is the first step in self-control, so keeping focused attention on your retirement savings goal will help you procrastinate less by strengthening self-regulation.

Understandable as procrastination is, ultimately you must put your energy where your goals are. If you don’t attain them, make them smaller and easier to attain expanding your goals as you progress toward them.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html and request she speak to your organization.

2011-06-02T08:54:00.000-04:00

Low tolerance for frustration leads to procrastination
Stress for Success
May 31, 2011

To successfully procrastinate use the sure-fire “yes-but” technique: "Yes I know that I need to get that done, but not now." It typically works wonderfully. "I'd love to apply for that job, but I'm probably not qualified." The yes indicates your interest in the job. The but is your excuse for not applying.

Are you a yes-buter? Dr. Arthur Freeman and Rose DeWolf, authors of The 10 Dumbest Mistakes Smart People Make, say a common reason you may procrastinate in uncomfortable situations is because you have a low tolerance for frustration. Since frustration is a fact of life you'll need to tolerate disagreeable circumstances better if you expect to overcome this very effective stalling practice.

Acknowledging the unpleasantness of your task can help. But don’t go overboard. If you exaggerate how distasteful the job is you’ll be right back into “yes-but.” Instead, consciously acknowledge the due date of your commitment and at minimum create a plan of action as described below.

To move forward change your “yes-but” to “yes-and.” Instead of, "I'd love to apply for that job, but I doubt I'm qualified", say "I'd love to apply for that job and I need to find out about the required qualifications." “Yes-but” gives you excuses. “Yes-and” shows you the steps you’ll need to take.

"Delay is the deadliest form of denial," C. Northcote Parkinson said. So when you hear yourself use the “yes-but” as an excuse for procrastination immediately do the following:
· Write your project’s goal, e.g., "To land this job."
· List all of the steps you’d need to take to get it, breaking them down
into bite-size pieces:
o Get the contact information for the organization for which you want to work.
o Find out the qualifications.
o If you meet them, fill out an application.
o Follow up with a phone call to the employer.
o Etc.
· Write down a deadline for each and every step.
· Commit to each step, one by one.

If you’re unwilling to follow through with these steps, you can decrease your stress by admitting to yourself that you have no intention of looking into this job. Being honest with yourself requires being conscious of your choices. “I choose not to pursue this job because I assume I’m not qualified.”

Staying conscious increases the likelihood that one day you’ll make a different choice. Perhaps you’ll even pursue a job you fear you’re not qualified for by throwing caution to the wind and researching whether or not you are.

Get out of the procrastination mode and instead focus on a starting point. Each time you hear yourself say “yes-but” stop and instead say “yes-and” to see what the implied required steps are so you can start your action plan. Often, overcoming procrastination is simply taking that first step.

Mao Tse-tung once said, "The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step." Move toward your goal by taking one step at a time.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html and request she speak to your organization.

2011-05-24T14:30:00.001-04:00

Active procrastinators: just get going
Stress for Success
May 24, 2011

"Never put off till tomorrow, what you can do the day after tomorrow." -- Mark Twain

Seriously, procrastination is a frustrating habit. Since it’s a learned one it can be overcome but only if you become conscious when you’re doing it.

If you’re a professional procrastinator you need to acknowledge when you say "later" you really don't mean it. Thousands of “laters” create thousands of opportunities lost. To stay conscious, when you say "later" follow up with, "Later to me means never. Do I really want to get this done or not?"

Also become very cognizant of your avoidance habits, which you’ve probably perfected to the point that you engage in them automatically and unconsciously whenever you face an unpleasant task. Keep a journal of your thoughts and emotions when you're delaying. Follow these steps:
· Choose something you procrastinate on regularly.
· Describe the activity you put off. Is it unpleasant, confusing, uncomfortable or threatening?
· Write what you’re thinking and feeling when you begin to delay. For instance, "I can’t concentrate enough right now." Continue to record what you say and/or what you do to prolong your postponement.
· Ask yourself why you're avoiding action. Is it a legitimate reason or just an excuse? Also answer, "What discomfort am I evading?" Usually your answer is based on some unfounded fear.
· What’s your outcome?

To get going try these ideas:
· Timothy A. Pychyl, of Ottawa's Carlton University, runs a procrastination research group and suggests, "Follow the 10-minute rule.” Acknowledge your desire to procrastinate then do the task for 10 minutes anyway. Initiating is the hardest step for chronic procrastinators. After working on it for 10 minutes decide whether to continue. Once you're involved, it's easy to stay with the task.
· If you have something to do, do it now or schedule it. If it's not worth the amount of time it takes to schedule, it's not going to get done later.
· For larger projects write out your goal and list each step you have to take to accomplish it. Schedule each step in your calendar.
· Invest your energy on the important and ignore the trivial.
· Don't demean yourself when you dally because it makes more likely you’ll continue procrastinating.
· Keep a next steps list for all projects with an estimate of how long it’ll take to accomplish each one. If you have 15 minutes, look over your lists for something you can get done in less than 15 minutes. This furthers your progress in bits and pieces, which is great for those who procrastinate.
· Put the task right in front of you to avoid “out of sight out of mind.”
· Public commitment: Tell someone what you’re working on and when you’ll have it finished.
· Reward yourself when you’ve completed it. Do something just for fun. Give yourself a mental complement.

For chronic procrastinators remember the most important thing to do is just start! So get going!

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html and request she speak to your organization.

2011-05-17T09:09:00.000-04:00

Survival instincts may be cause of procrastination
Stress for Success
May 17, 2011

Do you repeatedly procrastinate? Do you wonder why you don’t just get on with it? If procrastination is a “gap between intention and action” what keeps you from putting your intention into action?

You’re in good company since virtually everyone procrastinates. But not everyone is a procrastinator. Those reporting they procrastinate swelled from only 5% in 1978, to 20 – 25% today based on two recent large studies by psychologist Joseph Ferrari of DePaul University.

Procrastination is impulsivity winning out over future rewards. This is probably why it’s on the increase: our modern world has limitless distractions too many TV channels, electronic games and Internet temptations. Referring to all of these amusements, University of Calgary psychologist Piers Steel speaking of procrastination says, “You couldn’t design a worse working environment if you tried.”

Historically, it was said procrastination was caused by perfectionism, fear of failure, and rebellion against overbearing parents that one has never outgrown. Then there were the thrill seekers who profess they work best under pressure and use procrastination to create that pressure.

Steel reviewed 553 studies of procrastination and concluded it has four related variables regarding your task:
1. Your confidence in your ability to do it;
2. Its value;
3. Your need for immediate gratification and sensitivity to its delay;
4. Impulsiveness;

He suggests about the task:
· The more confident you are, the less you’ll delay.
· Its value is determined by how much fun it will be and its meaning to you. The more fun or the more meaningful the less you’ll procrastinate.
· The need for instant gratification looks at both how much time will pass before you’re rewarded for doing the assignment and how badly you need a reward to work on it. You’re more likely to finish a job due next week if it results in an immediate reward. If the reward comes much later, dawdling increases.
· Impulsiveness is determined by how easily distracted you are. The more distractible you are, the more likely you are to procrastinate.
He created a formula to predict your procrastination likelihood: Your confidence multiplied by the task’s importance/fun, divided by how badly you need the reward for finishing it, multiplied by how easily distractible you are.

Impulsivity, he says, is the most important part of his equation. “There’s a huge correlation between procrastination and impulsivity … that has to do with evolution. Procrastination reflects the difficulty of coping with some aspects of modern society with hunter-gatherer brains because our forebears lived in a world without delay. For them … meat kept for three days and danger lurked around every corner. It was a very immediate environment. We learned to value the now much more than the later to survive.”

Without going into the details about the functioning of our survival brain, he says we do less well planning for the future, where goals exist. “So, a second piece of chocolate cake wins out over a trim figure down the road.”

Next week we’ll look at ideas to get going.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html and request she speak to your organization.

2011-05-10T09:05:00.000-04:00

Excessive stress can end up in workplace violence
Stress for Success
May 10, 2011

Work shouldn’t be a scary place. But it is for many people. Unfortunately, America has the highest violent crime rate of any industrialized nation. On average 20 workers are murdered each week in the U. S. making homicide the second highest cause of workplace deaths and the leading cause for women. The Bureau of Labor Statistics reports that over two million Americans are affected by workplace violence annually.

What can you do to protect yourself? Be on the lookout for tell-tales signs that trouble is brewing.

Rich Cordivari, V-P of Learning and Development at Allied Barton Security Services, which provides security personnel, shares the following warning signs as originally reported in a 2004 USA Today analysis of deadly workplace violence incidents. Anyone exhibiting these traits may need help and you should notify someone in authority.

1. A normally prompt employee is excessively late or absent; or one who has consistently worked full days leaves work without authorization or gives frequent excuses for shortening the work day;
2. An experienced employee who requires increased supervision;
3. A classic warning sign of employee dissatisfaction is when a normally efficient and productive employee displays a sudden or dramatic drop in performance. Meet with her immediately to develop a plan of action.
4. Significant change in someone’s work habits;
5. Mounting signs of stress may signal trouble is brewing and is often a significant contributor to workplace violence: Like a normally safety-minded employee suddenly is involved in accidents or safety violations; or someone who has trouble focusing and concentrating. Notify the manager who can encourage him to get help.
6. A persistent change in attitude and behavior can be a red flag the person is having problems. Since you’re probably familiar with her personality you’re in a position to notice these changes.
7. A classic warning sign is when a person has a weapons fascination! Don’t ignore this. Report it.
8. Watch for changes in a person’s temperament when under the influence of drugs or alcohol because it’s often associated with violence in the workplace. Follow your organization’s procedure to identify and assist drug or alcohol abusers.
9. Another classic red flag easy to identify but usually ignored is when a person frequently uses excuses and blames others rather than takes personal responsibility for their own actions. A worker who engages in this behavior is typically signaling a need for assistance and may require counseling.

Don’t assume everyone who exhibits any of the behaviors is going to behave violently, however. Consider telling someone about your suspicions when:
· A colleague exhibits a noticeable change in any of the above behaviors;
· When the behavior is displayed constantly;
· Or when any of these behaviors are observed in combination;

These are just a few of the possible warning signs of possible workplace violence. As with any work related issue, report unusual behavior to a manager or someone who has the authority to take action instead of waiting until it’s too late.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html and request she speak to your organization.

2011-05-03T13:16:00.000-04:00

Does volunteering protect you from the damage of stress?
Stress for Success
May 3, 2011

I know I admonish you to lower stress through a variety of ways like exercise (to which I can hear your collective eye-rolling), relaxing, etc. Regularly doing so protects you from the damage of excessive stress hormones.

There are other non-eye-rolling ways to reduce stress, too. Since National Volunteer Week is in April, let me suggest volunteering as a way to balance your stress.

Volunteering can be an especially rewarding stress break because it’s believed you release the hormone oxytocin when you connect and bond with people, which is believed to protect you from the ravages of stress. Plus, some believe it’s actually impossible to be depressed when you help someone.

I’ve personally volunteered at something all of my life: tutored inner-city kids in Spanish, served in the Peace Corps for over two years, sat on countless boards of directors, and helped the Red Cross after Hurricane Charley. For the past five years I’ve volunteered weekly at Healthpark as a cuddler working with premature babies and sing in and am now on the organizing board for the newly formed Symphonic Chorale of SW FL, formerly known as the SW FL Symphony Chorus.

Sure, some nights I’m exhausted and don’t want to go out and honor these commitments. But once there I realize these activities are my reward: the music we sing fills my heart in a way that nothing else can and the babies, well, they’re adorable little babies.

To reduce your stress, check out volunteer options such as:
· Volunteermatch.org: This matches up volunteer opportunities with over 70,000 nonprofit organizations;
· AmeriCorps: Each year, AmeriCorps offers opportunities for adults of all ages and backgrounds to serve through partnerships with local and national nonprofit groups. Members who complete service may be eligible for an education award of up to $4,725 to pay for college, graduate school, or to pay back qualified student loans. You receive a living allowance during your term of service;
· Points of Light Institute: a national nonprofit, nonpartisan organization dedicated to engaging more people and resources in solving serious social problems;
· The Red Cross: helps prepare communities for emergencies;
· SCORE: Senior Corps of Retired Executives is a nonprofit organization which provides small business counseling and training under a grant from the U.S. Small Business Administration (SBA). SCORE members are successful, retired business men and women who volunteer their time to assist aspiring entrepreneurs and small business owners. There are SCORE chapters in every state. My husband and I had a wonderful SCORE counselor who helped us when we started my husband’s business. We met monthly and felt a commitment to him to have our homework done and to meet the goals we set with his help.
· Help a neighbor in need;

What better use of your spare time is there than to help others? Whether you’re a medical professional, attorney, retired businessperson or a stay-at-home parent, do your stress level and the world a favor; share your talents with those who need them.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html and request she speak to your organization.

2011-04-26T08:35:00.001-04:00

Exercise can help improve your mental health
Stress for Success
April 26, 2011

Depressed? Anxious? Obsessive?

These conditions along with scores of physical conditions present yet one more reason to exercise. Research has long shown exercise to be an effective but under-prescribed treatment for mild to moderate depression and anxiety.

For some, getting out of bed feels overwhelming making exercise seem impossible. But the degree of mood improvement with regular exercise is so significant that many researchers believe it’s more effective than counseling and anti-depressants.

We’ve known for quite some time that exercise:
· Reduces stress, anxiety and depression;
· Boosts self-esteem;
· Improves sleep;
· Lowers blood pressure and strengthens your heart;
· Increases energy;
· Improves muscle tone and strength;
· Strengthens, builds bones;
· Reduces body fat;
· Makes you look and feel fit and healthy;

It’s not completely understood why exercise is so effective but it’s probably due to the reduction of cortisol, the stress hormone, and increased body temperature, which may have calming effects.

The psychological boosts from exercise seem due to endorphin releases, which interact with brain receptors that reduce your perception of pain. Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body, similar to that of morphine, producing the “runners’ high” and typically accompanied by greater optimism.

Exercise is also a great substitute for the obsessive thinking that drives these difficult emotions. It burns up your fight/flight energy in a positive way while distracting you from obsessive thinking about how miserable life is.

To decide which exercise to do answer these WebMD published questions:
· Which physical activities do I enjoy?
· Do I prefer group or individual activities?
· Which program best fit my schedule?
· Do I have a physical condition that limits my choice?
· What are my goals? Weight loss? Muscle strengthening? Flexibility? Mood enhancement?

To ease your depressive symptoms work toward 20 to 30 minutes of exercise, three times a week; four or five times a week is even better.

But any amount of exercise is better than none and can prevent a relapse after treatment for depression. Kristin Vickers-Douglas, Ph.D., Mayo Clinic psychologist, says, “Small bouts of exercise may be a great way to a get started if it’s initially too difficult to do more.” If ten minutes is all you’ll do, then do ten minutes. Instead of beating yourself up for not doing more pat yourself on the back for starting then gradually increase to 30 minutes.

If you haven’t exercised for a long time, check with your physician. If you feel pain two hours after exercising, you probably overexerted yourself so decrease your activity level. Never ignore pain.

Finally, take advice from Dr. Mary Ann Chapman, “The key to breaking a bad habit (doing nothing) and adopting a good one (exercising)” is to:
Minimize the immediate reward of doing nothing (relief from successfully avoiding exercising);
Make the long-term negative consequences of not exercising (continued depression/anxiety/anger) seem more imminent;

In other words, instead of excuse after excuse to avoid exercise, remind yourself how exhausted you are of being emotionally stuck.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html and request she speak to your organization. Register for Administrative Professionals Day, April 27, at 239-425-3273.

2011-04-19T15:52:00.000-04:00

Effective treatment available for low-grade depression
Stress for Success
April 19, 2011

Every day looks gloomy. There isn’t much to enjoy. Feeling like a failure is all too familiar leading to a life of withdrawal and inactivity. With plenty to worry about sleep is elusive. Drugs and alcohol ease the pain. It seems that life has always been this way; it seems “normal.” Isn’t this how most people live?

No, it isn’t. If you see life this way you may be diagnosed with dysthymia, a milder but more continuing type of depression with continuous depressed mood for at least two years. It affects significantly more women than men.

For children, the duration is only one year. Kids’ major symptom may be irritability vs. depression. Since this on-going state of depression seems normal it usually goes undiagnosed, therefore untreated.

It’s typical dysthymia sufferers don’t seek help for a decade or longer, which is unfortunate since there is effective treatment. For children, being diagnosed early and getting treatment may help avoid more serious mood disorders, substance abuse and other painful school and relationship problems later.

It’s estimated that at any point, 3% of the population is affected by dysthymia. Those with immediate relatives who’ve had major depressive disorders are at greater risk. It usually develops early in one’s life although the person is unlikely to seek help unless she develops major depression (about 10% do).

The clinician’s guide to diagnosis, the DSM IV, states at least two of the following symptoms must also be present for this diagnosis:
· Overeating or lack of appetite;
· Sleeping too much or having difficulty sleeping;
· Fatigue, lack of energy;
· Poor self-esteem;
· Difficulty with concentration, decision-making;
· Hopelessness;

If this describes you most days, what can you do to feel better?
· Talk to a psychiatrist who may prescribe an anti-depressant. Anti-depressants can take weeks to have an effect and you may have to try several to find one that works well for you. It’s worth it, though, to discover that life can be much brighter and more enjoyable.
· Engage in a hobby that you enjoy and are good at. At first you may not have the energy but make yourself do it at least once a week. With time you’ll look forward to it.
· Volunteer regularly. Helping others works better at decreasing depression than almost anything. It takes your mind off your own troubles and helps you feel better about yourself and the world when you connect with others.
· Consult with your physician about getting regular exercise. Exercise at least 30 minutes 4 times/week if you want it to lift your mood.
· Eat nutritionally well.
· Avoid drugs and alcohol; both make depression worse.

Dysthymia is very treatable. The worst-case scenario is that it’ll be difficult to make yourself take better care of your moods. The best outcome is you’ll feel better and wonder what took you so long to address this seemingly “normal” condition. You deserve to feel better and you’re the only one who can make it happen.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2011-04-05T13:25:00.001-04:00

Seek immediate professional help when suicidal Stress for Success April 5, 2011 Depressed people who are in imminent danger of committing suicide, which requires immediate help, often exhibit specific behaviors, says David Rudd, dean, college of social and behavioral science at the University of Utah. A Rudd chaired joint American Association of Suicidology and National Institutes of Health working group compiled a list of the most serious behaviors: · Putting affairs in order: e.g., changing a will; · Behaving recklessly: displaying a death wish by driving carelessly with escalation to show they’re serious; · Dramatic mood shifts: being extremely low to being anxious or agitated; · Discussing suicide: up to 85% of those who commit suicide told someone about their plans or communicated them in a poem or diary. Adolescents may even leave their journal out for someone to see; · Talking about feeling worthless: abuse victims especially feel hopeless and shameful; · Losing interest in life: emotional emptiness is a sign of escalating depression; Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs) are an excellent and immediate source of help. I interviewed Judy Anderson, LMHC, CEAP, EAP Consultants, Inc., Fort Myers, about these services. Here are my questions and her edited answers. Q: Which signs of depression indicate a person should get help? A: Most notice their range of emotion narrows: less positive anticipation and happiness and more sadness, anxiety, irritability and loneliness. Nothing seems to feel good. Also: · Changes in sleep patterns: difficulty falling asleep and/or waking early, not getting back to sleep; · Decreased appetite, or increased appetite, especially for “comfort” food; · Difficulty concentrating; · Indecisiveness; · Distorted perspective: notice only losses, failures, and problems versus pleasure, peace, and happiness; · Thinking about dying or suicide; Q: What is an EAP and what do you offer? A: These are employer-offered services promoting employee wellness helping employees be more effective both at work and at home. They’re encouraged to use their EAP before their life suffers through: · Assistance identifying and resolving emotional struggles, marital and family problems, substance abuse, stress; · Referrals to local resources for help with legal questions, elder/child care and financial problems; Q: What are the costs? A: These services are provided, without accessing health insurance plans, at no cost to the employee, including no co-pay. Employers pay a small monthly fee per employee so services are available to any employee at any time. Q: Is it confidential? A: Yes. EAP counselors are licensed mental health providers and covered by confidentiality laws. It’s also confidential who accesses EAPs. Q: How many counseling sessions are involved? A: Depending on the employer, from 3 to as many as 8 or more. Q: Are there other non-counselor services? A: Workshops, support groups, classes, and books, websites or movies are sometimes recommended. Q: For those who don’t have an EAP, whom should they call for help? A: Local mental health center, Primary Care Physician for referrals, health insurance may cover counseling with preferred providers locally; spiritual advisor may offer counseling or support groups; Depression in lonely; don’t go through it alone. Please, reach out to someone. Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2011-03-29T14:07:00.001-04:00

Depression can be treated Stress for Success March 29, 2011 Might your moodiness be clinical depression? Everyone feels “blue” at times but clinical depression runs more deeply. A diagnosis of depression requires the presence of one of two features for most of the day, nearly every day for two-weeks: · Depressed mood; · Loss of interest or pleasure in activities; Symptoms include: · Change in appetite and weight: You seldom feel hungry and may forget to eat. You have to force yourself to eat even a few bites. Preparing meals requires too much energy. Significant weight loss may occur. · Or an increase in appetite and weight gain; craving certain foods such as sweets or carbohydrates; · Trouble sleeping; · Or sleeping too much; · Overly agitated - difficulty sitting still, pacing and fidgeting; · Slowed down - sluggish movements, slumped while sitting, avert your eyes, speak slowly and sparsely in a monotone with low volume, pausing before responding to questions, slower thinking ; · Decreased energy, feeling tired and fatigued: Simple day-to-day tasks seem overwhelming. You may tire quickly in everything you do. Your work at home and at the office suffers. · Feeling worthless or guilty: You focus on past failures, personalize trivial events, see minor mistakes as proof that you’re inadequate. You blame yourself for all that goes wrong. You hate yourself and think you’re a bad person. · Thinking problems: Negative and pessimistic thoughts increase your belief that nothing can get better; trouble with thinking, concentrating or making decisions especially if your work is mentally challenging · Feeling sad, depressed, blue, empty, hopeless, helpless; Hopelessness is having a negative view of your future; an assumption that pain and unhappiness will continue. You’re quite sure your life won’t get better. Helplessness is a negative view of yourself; you lack self-confidence and believe it’s not possible to feel better. “What’s the use?” sums it up. Strong feelings of helplessness can lead to thoughts of suicide. If you contemplate suicide you should consult a professional immediately. Symptoms include: · Often on the edge of crying; · Depressed appearance (facial expressions, disposition); · Overly irritable; · Physical problems, especially chronic headaches, stomachaches, joint and back pain, indigestion, constipation, irritable bowel syndrome; The second feature of depression is a significant loss of interest or pleasure in most activities nearly every day for at least two-weeks. “I just don’t care anymore,” explains your feelings toward things you once enjoyed. Your detachment is noticeable to your friends and family, too. If you’re depressed, consider what I wrote last week: depressive symptoms may be a normal response to what’s wrong in your life and may facilitate you focusing like a laser beam on solving it. And get professional help (next week’s topic). With today’s treatments there’s simply no reason to go through life assuming it can be no better. Your depression may improve with no treatment, and it may return. The degree of hopelessness and helplessness determines whether or not you seek help. Sometimes it’s up to loved ones to get you the treatment you need and deserve. Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2011-03-22T14:21:00.001-04:00

Depression can be treated
Stress for Success
March 22, 2011

Might your moodiness be clinical depression?

Everyone feels “blue” at times but clinical depression runs more deeply. A diagnosis of depression requires the presence of one of two features for most of the day, nearly every day for two-weeks:
· Depressed mood;
· Loss of interest or pleasure in activities;

Symptoms include:
· Change in appetite and weight: You seldom feel hungry and may forget to eat. You have to force yourself to eat even a few bites. Preparing meals requires too much energy. Significant weight loss may occur.
· Or an increase in appetite and weight gain; craving certain foods such as sweets or carbohydrates;
· Trouble sleeping;
· Or sleeping too much;
· Overly agitated - difficulty sitting still, pacing and fidgeting;
· Slowed down - sluggish movements, slumped while sitting, avert your eyes, speak slowly and sparsely in a monotone with low volume, pausing before responding to questions, slower thinking ;
· Decreased energy, feeling tired and fatigued: Simple day-to-day tasks seem overwhelming. You may tire quickly in everything you do. Your work at home and at the office suffers.
· Feeling worthless or guilty: You focus on past failures, personalize trivial events, see minor mistakes as proof that you’re inadequate. You blame yourself for all that goes wrong. You hate yourself and think you’re a bad person.
· Thinking problems: Negative and pessimistic thoughts increase your belief that nothing can get better; trouble with thinking, concentrating or making decisions especially if your work is mentally challenging
· Feeling sad, depressed, blue, empty, hopeless, helpless;

Hopelessness is having a negative view of your future; an assumption that pain and unhappiness will continue. You’re quite sure your life won’t get better.

Helplessness is a negative view of yourself; you lack self-confidence and believe it’s not possible to feel better. “What’s the use?” sums it up. Strong feelings of helplessness can lead to thoughts of suicide. If you contemplate suicide you should consult a professional immediately. Symptoms include:
· Often on the edge of crying;
· Depressed appearance (facial expressions, disposition);
· Overly irritable;
· Physical problems, especially chronic headaches, stomachaches, joint and back pain, indigestion, constipation, irritable bowel syndrome;

The second feature of depression is a significant loss of interest or pleasure in most activities nearly every day for at least two-weeks. “I just don’t care anymore,” explains your feelings toward things you once enjoyed. Your detachment is noticeable to your friends and family, too.

If you’re depressed, consider what I wrote last week: depressive symptoms may be a normal response to what’s wrong in your life and may facilitate you focusing like a laser beam on solving it.

And get professional help (next week’s topic). With today’s treatments there’s simply no reason to go through life assuming it can be no better. Your depression may improve with no treatment, and it may return. The degree of hopelessness and helplessness determines whether or not you seek help. Sometimes it’s up to loved ones to get you the treatment you need and deserve.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2011-03-08T10:49:00.001-05:00

One more reason to avoid being a couch potato
Stress for Success
March 8, 2011

Do you sit about as much as you sleep most days? An Institute for Medicine and Public Health poll of almost 6,300 people found you probably spend about 56 hours a week commuting, at your computer, or watching TV. And many women are more sedentary than men since they hold less active jobs and play fewer sports.
Whether or not you think you’re sedentary, you probably spend much time at work sitting. And, excessive sitting is killing us through obesity, heart disease, and diabetes.

It’s even spawning a new medical study: inactive physiology, which explores our tech-driven lives and its resulting lethal new epidemic, “sitting disease.”

American Cancer Society epidemiologist Alpa V. Patel, PhD and colleagues found through research after adjusting for smoking, height/weight, and other factors, sitting six or more hours daily - versus less than three hours - increased the death rate by about:
· 40% in women;
· 20% in men;
· 94% in the least active women;
· 48% in the least active men;

The health problem wasn’t due to insufficient exercise; it was the sitting itself. As one person wrote, “It’s the modern-day desk sentence.”

Mayo Clinic’s James Levine, M.D., Ph.D., author of “Move a Little, Lose a Lot,” says, “Our bodies have evolved over millions of years to … move. For thousands of generations, our environment demanded nearly constant physical activity.”

Contrast that with modern life: increasingly longer work weeks, electronic living that extinguishes what little activity we might otherwise choose by allowing us to:
· Interact with friends through social networking without taking a step;
· Shop and pay bills by lifting only a finger;
· Entertain ourselves through on-line distractions;

Levine says, “The consequences of all that easy living are profound.”

Marc Hamilton, Ph.D., associate professor of biomedical sciences at the University of Missouri warns when you sit too much, your body shuts down at the metabolic level. When your large muscles, meant for movement, are immobile, your circulation slows so burns fewer calories. Fat-burning enzymes responsible for breaking down triglycerides start to switch off. Sitting for a full day decreases those enzymes by 50%, according to Levine.
Additionally, the less you move the less blood sugar you use increasing your chance of contracting diabetes. Depression is also more likely due to less blood flow circulating fewer feel-good hormones to your brain.

Exercise doesn’t even give you a pass. (Now the researchers have my attention.) We’ve become so sedentary that 30 minutes daily at the gym may not be enough to counteract the detrimental effects of eight – ten hours of sitting, according to Genevieve Healy, Ph.D of the Cancer Prevention Research Centre of the University of Queensland, Australia, explaining why many women struggle with weight despite regularly working out.
Healy discovered regardless of how much exercise participants got, those who took more breaks from sitting had slimmer waists, lower BMIs, and healthier blood fat and blood sugar levels than those who sat the most. Next week I’ll present tips to counteract sitting disease.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2011-03-01T09:36:00.001-05:00

Reach goals and make decisions using “if … then” technique
Stress for Success
March 1, 2011

When considering options, do you suffer from analysis paralysis? Or, do you impulsively react? To counter both of these approaches use the “if … then technique:”
· If I do ____ then ____ will happen.

For example, you have two job offers and must decide which to accept. One seems more interesting but pays significantly less; the other pays more but requires working more hours:

If I take the job that seems more interesting but pays less, then:
• I could only pay small amounts off my debt monthly.
• I’d enjoy my work more and be less stressed.
• Commuting would be less expensive and time-consuming since the job is closer to home.
• I’d spend more time with my family because I’d work fewer hours.

If I take the higher paying job, then:
• More commute time and over-time would keep me away from home more.
• With less time at home doing household chores and spending time with the family would become more challenging.
• My family might step up and help with chores. Maybe they’d even appreciate what I do around the house more.
• I could hire a housekeeper.

At first glance this technique seems like just the pros and cons of your choices. It’s different, however, in that it encourages you to think in terms of the consequences of your options. It helps you think before you act.
· If you rescue your child from her irresponsible behavior again then you’ll teach her you’ll rescue her and she won’t have to responsibility for herself.
· If you buy that expensive outfit then you’ll have less money and you’ll look great for the party. This forces you to choose what you value more: looking great or saving money.

To avoid the ready-aim-aim-aim-and-never-fire or the ready-fire-aim approaches, use if … then and join the ready-aim-fire group.

A second and different use of “if … then” is in planning and helping you accomplish goals.

For instance, for a weight loss goal, use if … then:
1. If ____ happens, then I’ll do ____.
o E.g., If dessert is offered I’ll decline and request water.
2. Then, add your specific goal: I’ll walk 30 minutes weekdays at 6:30 a.m.

NYU psychologist, Peter Gollwitzer reviewed 94 studies that researched people who used this 2-step planning technique and found significantly higher success rates for just about any goal. He explains it works because it speaks the language of your brain: the language of contingencies.

Deciding exactly how you’ll react to circumstances regarding your goal creates a link in your brain between the situation or cue (if) and the behavior that should follow (then.)
• When dessert is offered (cue) it links to your desired behavior - turn it down and request water.
Gollwitzer says this link keeps you from having to consciously monitor your goal. Your plans get carried out without apparent effort.

I’ve used this approach recently and have been very successful in achieving my stated goal. I encourage you to try it, too.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2011-02-22T11:34:00.000-05:00

Blacks pay physical price for stress of discrimination
Stress for Success
February 22, 2011

Imagine frequently:
· being followed by store employees who suspect you of stealing;
· being excluded at work;
· feeling like you have to prove yourself again;

Perceiving these and other racial stressors often, month after month, qualifies them as chronic stress making you vulnerable to illness and disease development. The stress will eventually take a toll on you emotionally and physically.

February is Black History Month, a good time to consider the on-going psychological affronts that many African-Americans still encounter, especially in their public lives of working and shopping, and especially in low income inner-cities.

At the other end of the African-American stress continuum is the stress experienced by more educated and accomplished blacks:
· 93% of African-American female college students admit to feeling like an imposter when they succeed at something;

Some of their stress comes from them:
· Feeling like “pioneers,” paving the way for more black achievement;
· Buying into society’s historic stereotypes of African-Americans being less competent;
· Being female since females of any race often ascribe success to outside reasons versus their own efforts;

Regardless of the source of racial stress, the negative consequences can mount.

National Institute of Health
‘;(NIH) research “… links excess prevalence and severity of hypertension among African-Americans to chronic and disproportionately intense societal stress." This partly explains why, when compared to all other racial/ethnic groups in America, blacks have the highest incidence of:
· Diabetes;
· Cardio-vascular heart disease;
· Hypertension and stroke;

“This is not to say that all African-Americans have poor health,” said researcher Vickie Mays, UCLA professor of psychology and health services. “However, African-Americans – as a group – have not gained as much ground (in health improvement) as other ethnic groups.”
When stress to the cardiovascular system is chronic to the point of allostatic load, the cumulative wear and tear of stress on the body, the immune system is suppressed, blood pressure increases and, over time, atherosclerosis can develop, resulting in coronary vascular disease. The chronic stress response is also associated with other diseases and obesity. (www.MinorityHealthDisparities.org.)

Heart disease is largely a preventable condition. Stress reduction strategies, including lifestyle changes, not only prevent heart disease and hypertension, they may even reverse some damage. NIH funded trials found meditation was 2 ½ times more effective in reducing systolic and diastolic blood pressure than typical relaxation. It’s a significantly healthier way to reduce blood pressure since it has no adverse reactions and costs nothing compared to standard drug treatment.

The health protections these strategies offer are only part of the pay off. Equally important is that from practicing healthy habits and experiencing their subsequent positive results you gain a greater sense of personal control, which lowers your daily stress level, enhancing your health improvements even more.

To reduce your stress, put your energy into controlling what you can, which largely excludes societal racial stereotyping. Instead, make lifestyle changes to protect yourself from the physical ravages of stress. How can you improve your daily habits of exercise, nutrition and meditation?

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2011-02-15T15:09:00.001-05:00

Eat healthy, stay active and stop making excuses
Stress for Success
February 15, 2011

Feeling refreshed after a wonderful two-week Colorado vacation with friends and family it’s time to get my body’s insides feeling as energized as my mind and spirit.

Here’s why my body needs help.

We spent a week with close family - three couples and four kids - in Durango, CO. Wonderful cooks in each family showcased their skills creating mouthwatering breakfasts, lunches and dinners. This continued with our Boulder friends, too. I ate heartily at every single meal (boof!) and consumed generous amounts of alcohol over evening card games, laughter sessions and football games.

Now that we’ve returned, we’ll do our annual post-holiday, two-day cleansing apple diet to rid ourselves of our excesses.

I have two additional healthy intentions:
· To switch to one or two meals weekly of beans and legumes, with little or no meat: since my husband is the cook, I must convince him this is a good idea. So, while in Boulder I purchased a bean cookbook. To make this happen I may have to cook these meals – I haven’t cooked for over 27 years.
· To return to my exercise regimen: weekly bicycling, kayaking and Nordic Track plus yoga multiple times a week. I slacked off last quarter due to a variety of reasons, one of which was the cold weather.

If I fail to accomplish these goals, I’ll stay attuned to my reasons – aka excuses, like it’s too cold to kayak today.

Best-selling author Bob Greene, Oprah’s former personal trainer said, “I’ve heard every excuse on the planet – except a good one. Having an excuse is an obstacle that you choose to place in front of yourself. … in general, we do it to justify not changing. When you are out of excuses is when you are ready to change.”

Which excuses justify you not changing? Do your knees hurt? Maybe your job exhausts you so much that you can do nothing when you get home but veg out. Whatever your excuses, bring them to your conscious mind and admit that you just don’t want to do whatever it is you’re considering. Keeping excuses conscious versus automatic (unconscious) gives you more power to change someday.

Also, strengthen your motivation for healthy change by using intrinsic reasons that benefit you rather than someone else. The day of each week I target for my Nordic Track session isn’t a day I say, “Yippee! I get to do the Nordic Track today.” I just do it because I’m committed to strength, energy, health, flexibility, etc., all intrinsic reasons to work out.

Greene encourages you to look for some form of activity that fits you. Distract yourself while doing it if that would help, like watch TV as you march in place. Make a t-shirt for yourself with “No excuses” printed on it. Eat modestly and healthfully five days a week leaving two days to eat whatever you like. Do whatever works for you.

As one reformed couch potato said, “There is no excuse good enough for poor health.”

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2011-02-08T14:15:00.001-05:00

Children can overcome abuse, deal with trauma
Victims of sexual assault struggle
Stress for Success
February 8, 2011

In recent articles (http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com) I’ve covered how vulnerable children are lured into sex-trafficking due to their desperation. S/he’s:
· Likely running away from an abusive home, therefore homeless;
· Alone and frightened;
· Just a kid.
A seemingly protective man, and sometimes a woman, offers to protect them. What would you do?

Beyond predatory traffickers/pimps who are preying on vulnerable kids, there’s a sad reality that makes them more vulnerable to this nightmare: early and repetitive childhood sexual trauma.

Sexual abuse harms victims’ mental, emotional, spiritual and physical development. The following description is adapted from “Childhood and Adult Sexual Victimization” by Parson, Brett and Brett.

A victim of repetitive childhood sexual abuse undergoes damage to her still-developing personality. The abuse shatters her very spirit, which is much more difficult to heal than mental and physical damage.

“Mind, body, and spirit” implies that spirit is part of the total self. Rather, spirit permeates all. It represents her essence. It holds the fabric of the self together. Spirit:
· Provides her with a healthy self-centeredness: a sense of her unique self;
· Is the natural belief that her self is her priceless, personal possession, worthy of protection and respect;

Sexual assaults devastate his spirit and self-respect. His natural social tendencies are haunted by constant vulnerability, resulting in blameless availability for adult abuse. The child goes from being spirit-filled and alive to essence-defused and empty. The degraded self may be drained of most traces of feeling human.

Contributing immeasurably to the child’s helplessness is the blaming the child for the incest while the adult denies responsibility. The abuse is committed on someone who is least able to protect himself from immoral adult power.

After repetitive abuse the child’s changed view of self is the essence of his stress. He’s robbed of his free will, spontaneity, and autonomy. His patterns of perceiving, trusting, and acting are drastically altered based on many secrets too terrible to face. He’s forced into secrecy with threats of exposure, abandonment, fear of repeated sexual injuries, and further humiliation. He’s constantly wary around adults.

He’s forced to grow up fast, learning how to survive. To survive he navigates his dangerous terrain through hyper-vigilance to adult mood and behavioral cues of impending abuse. He maneuvers around them. He de-activates the mines before they explode through good behavior and an appeasing manner to avert adult depravity. Running away becomes a viable option.

His spirit dims; her laughter is extinguished. Their environment is a place where no joy, hope, and love are allowed to flourish. There’s only emotional and spiritual darkness, helplessness, and buried rage to be resurrected at a later time, and unleashed suddenly on unsuspecting targets, including the self.

They live in a persistent state of stress-induced burnout due to near-constant paranoid expectations of attacks. Being chronically revved-up is akin to living in an internal police state.

What’s profoundly remarkable is that these children find a way to survive. Their strength and ingenuity are integral parts of trauma therapy, which can help. To find trauma therapists in our area go to http://www.mhaswfl.org/.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2011-02-01T10:26:00.000-05:00

Human sex-trafficking is a horrific crime
Stress for Success
January 25, 2011

Got enough stress?

Compared to that of sex-trafficking victims, I assume yours is miniscule.

January is human-trafficking awareness month. This horrific crime came to my professional attention through a curriculum I’m writing for Beauty from Ashes Ministries, a local nonprofit that supports those in the sex-trade and adult entertainment worlds to leave those industries.

Here’s what I’m learning:
§ Federal law defines severe human sex trafficking as a commercial sex act induced by force, coercion OR in which the person induced to perform such an act is under 18, eliminating the “consensual sex” argument with someone under 18;
§ Domestic minor sex trafficking victims are US citizens or lawful permanent residents under the age of 18 who’ve been recruited, harbored, transported, provided or obtained to perform commercial sex acts defined as any sex act done in exchange for monetary or non-monetary gain. Examples include:
o Pimps prostituting someone under 18;
o Parents prostituting their child for rent or drugs;
o Trading a sex act with a minor for basic needs like shelter or food, known as “survival sex;”
o Street prostitution, escort services or Internet-aided prostitution;
§ Nationally 450,000 children run away – or are thrown away - from home annually so there’s an abundant supply of vulnerable children;
§ An estimated 100,000 to 300,000 adolescents annually are victims of trafficking (National Report on Domestic Minor Sex Trafficking 2009;)
§ American children are easier to recruit and sell than foreign victims because there’s no need to cross borders;
§ 30% of shelter youth and 70% of street youth are victims of commercial sexual exploitation (Shared Hope International;)
§ One in three teens on the streets is ensnared into prostitution within 48 hours of leaving home – 150,000 annually;
§ Shared Hope International reveals pimps commonly sell under-age girls for $400/hour, 10 – 15 times a day, six days a week, totally 9,360 – 14,000 sex acts a year for which the girls receive no money;
§ The average age of entry into pornography and prostitution in the U.S. is 12! (The US Department of Justice Child Exploitation and Obscenity Section);
§ 66-90% of adult sex workers were sexually abused as children (Violence Against Women, 2004;)

Think about the vulnerability of these children: most are running away from one abusive situation - their homes - right into another where traffickers/pimps are waiting to exploit them (more on understanding these children next week.) How would any 12-year-old you know hold up under such conditions?

Human trafficking is a multi-billion dollar industry. It’s the second largest and fastest growing criminal industry in the world (UN Office on Drugs and Crime, 2008.) Ninety percent takes the form of sexual exploitation. Gangs increasingly prostitute minors for prestige (imagine that!) and income; it’s fast replacing drugs as their main revenue source.

Sadly, Florida is the third highest trafficking state.

These horrific crimes wouldn’t exist if there weren’t a demand for sex with children. And the “product for sale” is most commonly local American children.

For more information, go to www.beautyfromashes.org.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2011-02-01T09:29:00.000-05:00

Some kids are vulnerable to sex trafficking
Stress for Success
February 1, 2011

January was Human-trafficking Awareness Month and last week I shared some information about the insidious crime of sex-trafficking. By increasing awareness of the traffickers’ strategies and of their victims perhaps we can help prevent it.

What makes children vulnerable to trafficking? A leading factor is sexual abuse within their homes from which many kids run away, as well as:
§ An unstable home life;
§ Physical abuse;
§ Being a chronic runaway;
§ Exposure to drugs;

Traffickers/pimps spot vulnerability a mile away. They recruit adolescents with low self-esteem who crave protection and love. They find them where they hang out unsupervised at:
§ Malls;
§ Parks;
§ Schools;
§ The Internet;
§ Other kids;
§ Bus stops;
§ Movie theatres;
§ Clubs;

The trafficker/pimp uses calculated recruitment strategies to earn his victim’s trust before grooming her for his planned exploitation. He presents himself as a friend, boyfriend, or caretaker. Through talking with his victim he assesses her home life to determine her vulnerabilities as well as aspirations, then targets her weaknesses, tells her what she wants to hear and gives her what she needs:
§ Offers shelter if she’s homeless;
§ Becomes her boyfriend if she craves love;
§ Becomes her friend if she’s lonely;

He promises a better life through employment, education and possibly even marriage. His offers represent a life-line to survival for his victims (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2008.)

The trafficker/pimp eventually introduces his real intent by persuading the victim to have sex with him. Satisfying her needs then establishing a sexual relationship become the basis for future psychological control.

As trust develops, he ups the ante: demanding uncomfortable sex acts and punishing any refusal or protests with physical and emotional abuse. His abuse grows as does his blaming her for the abuse. If she doesn’t conform, he expands his control over her by:
§ Threatening the loss of the glamorous life he promised her;
§ Using the act of prostitution as proof she loves him;
§ Using physical abuse such as beatings, starvation, locking her in a closet, gang rape, forced drug use, etc. until she complies. This is often followed by affection through love-making and privileged treatment.

He isolates her from all positive contact and interaction with friends and family as he methodically removes her security and resources. She gradually becomes physically, mentally, emotionally and financially dependent upon him.

This is when he maneuvers her into prostitution by requiring her to repay her debt to him or to earn money so they can achieve his promised dream.

The trafficker/pimp’s tactics are very effective in transitioning a young victim from a vulnerable run away or a throw away into a sexual slave. His victims are probably homeless and are too young and emotionally immature to make it on their own. They become helpless in the face of his increasing pressure and control.

As effective as the trafficker’s tactics are the psychology of the victims also works to keep them enslaved; my topic next week.

2011-01-18T09:49:00.001-05:00

Simplify your life by throwing out the clutter
Spend more time doing things you like
Stress for Success
January 18, 2011

Simplicity is gaining in popularity as a response to our economic times. Even though it goes against our contemporary American brain to be satisfied with greater simplicity and less stuff it came very naturally to our grandparents. Maybe it’s time to return to our practical past by challenging stereotypical American assumptions like:
* Baby boomers’ belief that human worth is tied to how much we work;
* Some parents equating being a good parent with giving your children everything they want;
In other words, simplifying will be different for everyone. What would make your life easier?

Leo Babauta writing for Zenhabits suggests that simplifying means getting rid of much of what you do to spend more time with those you love, doing the things you enjoy. It means “getting rid of the clutter so you are left with only that which gives you value.”

Babauta suggests many ideas. The following is adapted from http://zenhabits.net/simple-living-manifesto-72-ideas-to-simplify-your-life:
* First, write out a clear description of what your simpler life looks like.
* Identify your well-considered priorities or simplifying won’t work for you. Make a list of the four to five most important things to you, what you most value, and what you most want to do in your life.
* Identify which commitments – from family, hobbies, work and volunteering - truly give you value and you deeply enjoy. Which are in the top four to five most important things you listed? Drop those that aren’t.
* Log your time investments from upon awakening until you go to bed. Do they support your top priorities? Eliminate those that don’t. Then redesign how you spend your waking hours.
* Simplify your work and home tasks. Instead of hacking your way through your to-do lists, identify what’s most important and do those first. Eliminate the rest, delegate them or pay someone to do them.
* Set appropriate limits! If you don’t know how, take an assertiveness class. If you set no limits you teach others that you’ll always say “yes” to their requests. And guess what. They’ll keep asking!
* Take control over your emails, cell phone, IM, Twitter, etc. They’ll take over your life if you’re not careful. Set limits like checking emails once in the morning and once in the afternoon. Or admit that these electronic connections are a top priority and more important than whatever else you’re falling behind on.
* Get rid of stuff. It feels good. Use the idea of a workshop participant: once a year she hangs all of her clothes backwards. When she wears something she hangs it back up frontwards. At the end of the year anything that remains hanging backwards gets donated. I love this simple idea!

Happiness and satisfaction are never from what you own. They come from your relationships, being satisfied with what you have, being what you want to be and living your values. Recommit to your simplicity annually to avoid slipping back onto the American hyper-treadmill once the economy recovers.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2011-01-11T15:18:00.000-05:00

Want to simplify your life? Listen to inner wisdom
Stress for Success
January 11, 2011

If it’s true that our new economic reality is here for a while, what can we do to cope?

How about simplifying and living within your means to reduce financial stress now and to enable living more wisely in the future?

It’s fortunate that the best things in life are very simple – and free: love, motivating work, enjoying nature. Yet most of us are chained to making a certain income to support a cluttered lifestyle, the opposite of simplicity. At the other extreme are some younger people who are promoting a lifestyle where you only possess 100 things. If you have three pair of jeans that counts for three! That’s too stark for me but the sentiment is appreciated.

A good place to start figuring out where you could simplify is to listen to your inner wisdom. But do you listen and act on its authentic advice? To hear it you must slow down. You could:
* Begin your morning routine more slowly. Get up a few minutes earlier, brush your teeth more slowly, eat slowly, and drive more slowly.
* Daily connect with nature with a conscious walk; not just a mechanical one, but one where you focus on the birds, the squirrels and the emerging morning light. At minimum before getting into your car deep breathe the fresh air and appreciate our gorgeous, emerging fall weather.
* Surround yourself with beauty. I don’t mean buy stuff that becomes clutter but rather make your surroundings more attractive with flowers, photos, meaningful mementos, candles and fresh air.
* Seek and enjoy silence daily, the opposite of the cacophony of daily noises: the alarming alarm that shocks you awake, the offensive hair dryer, the endless drone of depressing TV news, the ubiquitous office clamor. All day we’re surrounded by so much noise that it becomes part of the backdrop of life --- until it totally stops -- leaving the sweet sound of silence.

Don’t underestimate the stress of this incessant noise. To hear your inner voice above it you must regularly stop the noise and create silence for yourself through deep relaxation, sitting in silence with no TV or music, sitting comfortably in nature listening to its peaceful and natural sounds.

With practice, you’ll slow down allowing your intuition to surface. Keep a journal nearby to record your thoughts. You don't need to act on any ideas but at least get them onto paper and into your conscious mind.

To attract your intuition to surface ask and answer questions:
§ What energizes/drains me the most? Why?
§ What part of my life is/isn’t working? Why?
§ What could I do to make life easier?

Be patient. It may take awhile for your answers to surface.

Americans have bought tons of stuff and discovered it doesn’t make us happier. In fact, the more stuff you have the more you want. Simplifying your life clears out the clutter so the clarity of what you really need shines through.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-12-14T10:22:00.000-05:00

Be wary of traps, or risk being weary of holidays
Stress for Success
December 14, 2010

Do holiday decorating, socializing and gift-giving energize you? Or on January 2 are you depleted and depressed?

If depleted, maybe you suffer from unrealistic expectations.

Respond to the four situations below. “Yes” answers indicate you’re either locked into “Holiday Traps,” which stress you, or “Holiday Treasures,” which energize you (Adapted Kicking Your Holiday Stress Habits by Donald & Nancy Tubesing.)

Answer “true” or “false” for each item. If it’s difficult to decide, estimate which answer would be 51% true of you.

1. It’s important to make the holidays perfect. Your house, food and gifts must be memorable and appreciated. But every year you feel let down when reality doesn’t match your Madison Avenue expectations. You expect yourself to feel loving, joyous and peaceful but find yourself feeling lonely, sad and discouraged.
True False

2. You love to decorate your home for the holidays. All of the festive sights, smells and sounds are magical and energize you. You love hearing from others through their cards and can hardly wait to visit and celebrate with loved ones.
True False

There are no perfect holidays – for anyone. If you think others experience them you’re experiencing the “Magic Trap (#1).” Magical thinking tends to be “all or nothing thinking:” everyone’s always perfectly happy or they’re miserable.

Unmet expectations are often unrealistic; no one could satisfy them. If you want your holidays to be perfect it’s your expectation that’s stressing you. Those around you rebel against your need for perfection, causing the very problems that later depress you.

Turn this into a “Magic Treasure (#2)” by:
* Accepting others as they are. Don’t expect behavior from them they historically haven’t shown. If your brother is always late, let him be late. Don’t take it personally. Accept that it’s a part of him for whatever his reasons.
* Which holiday expectations historically fill you with joy? If it’s planning and selecting gifts, do it and enjoy it.

3. Both you and your new mate have your own treasured holiday traditions and you work hard to blend them together. But it’s more confusing and exhausting than comforting and enjoyable. Why does she have to have things her way?
True False

4. The holidays put you in touch with the meaning of life. The rituals and traditions stimulate spiritual reflection as well as a sense of excitement and wonder. Your traditions help you through the difficult times even when your feelings don’t quite match the occasion.
True False

Some traditions are worth continuing, others need to be pitched, while still others can be tweaked and made better. Move from the “Traditions Trap (#3)” to “Traditions Treasure (#4)” by:
* Resurrecting beloved traditions from your past like singing holiday songs before dinner, attending a religious ceremony, or volunteering at a soup kitchen. Ensure participating in this tradition lifts your spirits versus depresses you with yet one more obligation.
* Ask friends about their traditions and adopt an appealing one for yourself.

Next week we’ll consider moving from another Trap to a de-stressing Treasure.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-12-07T14:03:00.001-05:00

It’s time to tame holiday burdens
Stress for Success
December 7, 2010

Do you eagerly look forward to the holidays? Does your creative and spiritual energy expand?

Or are your holidays filled with too many “shoulds” that exhaust you?

Over the following weeks you can respond to a series of situations from an assessment requested by O Magazine that I adapted from the book, Kicking Your Holiday Stress Habits by Donald & Nancy Tubesing. These will help you move from your “Holiday Traps,” which stress you, to “Holiday Treasures,” which balance you.

1. You lose control over your activity calendar saying “yes” to all invitations and requests. Each carries a “social obligation” burden that can overwhelm you. Or the opposite, you sit at home waiting for someone to include you, which doesn’t happen so you’re alone again.
True False

2. You love the busyness aspect of the holidays because it fills you with a sense of purpose and worth. All of the social gatherings reconnect you with the support system you hold dear. Plus, the extra commitments help you appreciate the solitude and silence when they return.
True False

The first situation represents the stressful “Activity Trap” and the second one the stress reduction “Activity Treasure.” A “Yes” answer to #1 indicates that you are adding to your own stress while a “Yes” to #2 suggests you are nurturing yourself, therefore protecting yourself from the holiday strains.

It’s startlingly easy to get caught up in the holiday Activity Trap. You have your own expectations of yourself and of others while they have their expectations of you, as well. Often these expectations are very unrealistic.

To avoid the Activity Trap, list everything you want to accomplish during the holiday season then cross out the unnecessary activities.
* If everything is a priority to you then nothing is. So, identify your top priorities and make time for them, even if that means something else gets tossed out.
* What energizes and what drains you? Do more of what invigorates and less of what exhausts you. It doesn’t have to be a 100% change. Small movements in a healthier direction will do for now making more significant moves with time.
* Hold onto the activities you enjoy, even if they aren’t essential or could be done by others. You need them. They nurture you.
* Do unpleasant tasks as quickly and painlessly as possible, then reward yourself. Refuse to suffer.
* When you’re over-stressed, lighten your load. Accept help and imperfection.

Finally, turn obligations into energizers by creatively updating them:
* Instead of sending out holiday cards with a telling of the past year, write a compliment to each recipient.
* Surprise some on your list with a brief, long-distance phone call.
* Fill out your holiday cards at the library, a favorite restaurant or someplace enjoyable to you.

We’ll look at moving from another Holiday Trap to a Treasure next week.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-11-23T10:50:00.000-05:00

Stuffing yourself on Thanksgiving can add pounds
Stress for Success
November 23, 2010

I asked my husband what I should write about for Thanksgiving week and his immediate response was, “the turkeys in our lives.” After I stopped laughing I decided to focus on the real Thanksgiving turkey.

To stuff yourself or not to stuff yourself on Thanksgiving, that is the question.

There’s a part of me that says, “Oh what the heck, it’s only once a year.” Then the responsible-me remembers how miserable I feel when I overeat. Plus, my husband and I have Thanksgiving, Christmas, both of our birthdays and our anniversary from mid November to New Year’s Eve. So we can careen from one reason to overdo it to another and find ourselves on January 1 feeling like stuffed turkeys.

To counter this, in early January every year for two days, we eat nothing but apples. We purge ourselves of all of the stuff we’ve eaten since my husband’s birthday. It feels good. I’ve been doing it since the late 1960s.

But I also consciously remind myself throughout the holiday season how uncomfortable it feels to overindulge. Plus I don’t want the added weight to add up over the years, which would require that I shop for new clothes, something I hate to do.

Remembering Aristotle’s Doctrine of the Mean phrase, “Moderation in all things,” can help, too.

Think of this immoderate estimate of how many calories the average American eats on Thanksgiving Day:
* More than 4,500 calories and 229 grams of fat! (Source: Caloric Control Council)
* The Council finds that most of these calories come from all-day snacking in front of the TV watching parades and football games.
* FYI: one pound equals about 3,500 calories.

The National Institutes of Health and the Medical University of South Carolina found that the average person’s weight gain over the holidays is just over one pound. So, it’s OK to eat anything and everything you want since one pound is not much, right?

But the researchers also found that 85% of study participants still carried that extra pound one year later. If you gain and retain an extra pound each year they’ll add up. Duh!

Striving for balance and moderation is usually good advice no matter the concern. So if you eat too much lefse (the Norwegian delicacy I make for my family) over the holidays try making it last longer than just for the holidays. If you drink too much alcohol maybe you should consider setting a limit on how much you allow yourself. If you feel uncomfortable when you overeat why not use a small dinner plate and fill it only once?

So, what, if anything, will you do to avoid overindulging on Thanksgiving? Whichever choices you make, make them conscious ones. Identify what would define moderation for you. Then over the holiday weekend and for the next month keep an eye on yourself (without obsessing) and set appropriate limitation on your excesses.

Above all, enjoy Thanksgiving and all that it represents.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-11-16T15:11:00.000-05:00

Assess your emotions before a confrontation
Stress for Success
November 19, 2010

You swear you’re prepared to speak calmly and professionally to a coworker you believe is intentionally sabotaging you. But the second you open your mouth to say something, BAM! you’re practically yelling at him! The first moments of an encounter set the stage for the entire conversation and you know you’ve blown it. But how can you control your aggression?

Use advice from the great book, “Crucial Conversations” by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler (McGraw-Hill, 2002.)

Defensive emotions once engaged are difficult to turn off. And the more defensive you are the more convinced you are that you’re right, giving more fuel to your emotions. If you’ve blown it you may want to apologize and arrange to talk later after you privately take responsibility for your emotions. Here’s how.

Last week I wrote about the book’s advice to identify the other person’s behavior and ask yourself why s/he is behaving that way. Your answer is what actually causes your emotions, not the other person’s behavior. It’s vital to understand this so you can move beyond your defensiveness.

For example, you and I are working on a project together. I discover that you’ve met privately with our boss. Plus, when we both attend meetings you “hog” the time, making it seem like you’re in charge of the project, which you’re not.

“Why” do I think you’re hogging the limelight and excluding me from meetings? My answer: “Because you want all of the credit.” Doesn’t this assumption fuel my anger and resentment?

But just because I believe this doesn’t make it true. If my “why” answer is defensive and judgmental, which it is, I need to identify your behaviors and the facts of the situation before speaking to you.
* Fact/behavior: you had two meetings with the boss that I wasn’t notified of so couldn’t attend. You didn’t inform me later either.
* Fact/behavior: when we presented our idea together you spoke for several minutes while I spoke far less.

Separating the facts and your behaviors from my assumption that you want all of the credit balances me emotionally. I feel more in the driver’s seat of my own life, which decreases my stress therefore my defensiveness. I can assertively speak to you by using this formula:
1. State the facts from my point of view;
2. My interpretation of their meaning;
3. How I feel about it;
4. Ask if I understand correctly.

E.g., “Tom, you didn’t inform me of the meetings you had privately with the boss. This makes me think excluding me was intentional. I felt resentment and was hurt by this. Was I purposefully excluded and if so, why?”

Substituting my assumptions (“hogging” and “wanting all the credit”) with the facts of the situation including your behavior plus using this formula to address my concerns can help balance me so I’m less likely to become instantly defensive.

Next week we’ll look at additional ideas to improve your ability to handle your “crucial conversations.”

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-11-09T09:41:00.000-05:00

Anger may be an emotional castle built on sand
Stress for Success
November 9, 2010

Do you avoid difficult workplace (or personal) conversations where you fear the outcome will be uncomfortable? If so, read “Crucial Conversations” by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler (McGraw-Hill, 2002.)

According to these authors an organization’s effectiveness is strongly determined by its employees’ willingness to have crucial conversations. They found in the:
* Worst organizations poor performers are ignored then transferred (sound familiar?);
* Good organizations supervisors eventually handle problem situations;
* High performing organizations’ employees willingly and effectively speak to someone who fails to deliver on promises. Everyone is held accountable regardless of their level. How radical is that?

Difficult conversations usually trigger your stress cycle, therefore defensive behavior (my words not theirs,) bringing out your worst behavior (their words). What’s your worst behavior? It’s not pretty, is it? You’d probably be as embarrassed as I to have people you respect see you act that way.

To move beyond your automatic, defensive reactions and your worst behavior determine what – or who – is actually causing your problem. Is it really that co-worker who aggravates you so or might it your own interpretation of that person?

I’ve frequently written about how your negative judgments of others trigger your worst behavior. These authors approach this formula differently. This may help you see that your own interpretations determine your emotional reactions and behavior.

Their advice is to ask yourself why the other person is behaving as he is. A simple example is from a program I recently presented, “Collaborative Communication.” During our lunch break an attendee had to wait a long time at a Subway shop where there was only one employee working. He was doing his best and actually, according to my attendee, was doing quite well. He waited on four people at a time, taking each sandwich through the same steps together. All four customers had to wait for all four sandwiches to be made together.

Upon his return to our classroom, my attendee explained his own impatience was because the employee was disorganized (negative judgment). In my attendee’s mind it was the employee’s disorganization that made him impatient. Another attendee offered a different perspective. She suggested that the Subway employee probably didn’t want to take off and put on his plastic gloves repeatedly so made multiple sandwiches together. My attendee thought this seemed a likely explanation and said he probably wouldn’t have been impatient if he’d looked at it that way.

In other words, the label “disorganized” is what caused the attendee to become impatient, not the Subway employee’s system.

Who drives you the most nuts? Why is that person doing what he’s doing? Your explanation, your “why,” triggers your emotions therefore you reaction. The other person doesn’t make you feel as you do, therefore cannot be responsible for your reaction.

To have an important conversation that you’re now avoiding, prepare for it by asking yourself, “What’s your problem person’s behavior and why is he acting that way?” Next week I’ll address how to handle your negative why.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-11-02T11:04:00.002-04:00

To be happy consider strengths
Live, appreciate your strong suits
Stress for Success
November 2, 2010

Dr. Martin Seligman, University of PA author of “Authentic Happiness” and Positive Psychology pioneer, says happiness is strongly enhanced by three factors, the first two were covered in previous articles:
* Feeling better about your past;
* Thinking more optimistically about your future;
* Experiencing more contentment in the present, this week’s focus;

To be happier in the moment Seligman advises you to avoid “shortcuts to happiness:” sensory experiences accompanied by strong emotions (ecstasy, orgasm, thrills, delight,) like eating hot fudge sundaes, having sex or watching spectator sports. These “pleasures” give you upticks in happiness but fade quickly.

It’s much better to seek “gratifications,” which are activities you do for the sake of doing them. They involve thinking and require stretching your skills to improve.

Gratifications will bring you greater ongoing happiness when they are an expression of your “signature strengths.” (Take Seligman’s VIA Strengths Survey @ www.authentichappiness.org to discover your own.) All of these strengths are very positive. Living your life expressing your top five or so makes you much happier - so much so that you can stop focusing on fixing what’s “wrong” with you. Wouldn’t that be refreshing? These strengths include:

Wisdom and Knowledge: Courage:
Curiosity Valor
Love of learning Perseverance
Judgment Integrity
Ingenuity
Social intelligence
Perspective

Humanity and Love: Justice:
Kindness Citizenship
Loving Fairness
Leadership

Temperance: Transcendence:
Self-control Appreciation of beauty
Prudence Gratitude
Humility Hope
Spirituality
Forgiveness
Humor
Zest

For example, my top five strengths identified by taking his assessment two years ago and again recently, are:
* Integrity;
* Curiosity;
* Zest;
* Loving;
* Gratitude;

These strengths have strongly influenced my choices, thereby my happiness.
* Integrity: Hopefully those who know me well would say that I have integrity. Just a small example is that lying is virtually impossible for me. I also deliver what I promise, etc.
* Curiosity: I love my work and have great curiosity in all the workshop and speech topics I present (not to mention this column.) In fact, I won’t present topics that don’t interest me.
* Zest: Researching areas that fascinate me gives me great zest or energy and passion for presenting information to others.
* Loving: I’m fortunate to have a wonderful husband and great friends and family. Throughout my entire life I’ve had abundant loving relationships.
* Gratitude: All of my life I’ve been a very grateful person, which is an effective buffer against depression, according to Seligman.

I truly have a great life; and not because of money or possessions nor quick pleasures – although I do love watching MN Vikings’ games. My happiness and contentment come from living what is to me an interesting life; one of my own choosing and designing, therefore authentic.

Identify your own signature strengths by taking Seligman’s assessment, then figure out how you already live these and consciously appreciate that. Seek even greater happiness by looking for additional ways to express your strengths. If authentic happiness is your goal, living your strengths is your strategy.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-10-26T10:04:00.001-04:00

How to become more optimistic about future
Stress for Success
October 26, 2010

Would more money, a nicer house or better health make you more content? Are these the same things that satisfy happier people, too? If not, what can we learn from them to become happier ourselves?

Last week I wrote about the Positive Psychology movement, which finds that you’ll get the most bang for your happiness buck by changing how you:
* Feel about your past (covered last week);
* Think about your future (this week);
* Experience your present (next week);

So let’s look to your future.

Future-oriented positive emotions include:
* Optimism;
* Faith;
* Hope;
* Trust;

You must be fairly optimistic for these emotions to augment your happiness. Optimism is hope about your prospects. In these tough times it’s more difficult to remain hopeful, yet many do.

Dr. Martin Seligman, the University of PA pioneer of Positive Psychology, author of “Learned Optimism” and “Authentic Happiness,” and world renown optimism/pessimism researcher, has shown through extensive research that:
* Optimists and pessimists interpret events very differentl. Pessimists are more realistic but optimists are more resilient, healthier and may live longer, and are better at work and in sports.

Seligman has narrowed down becoming more optimistic to changing how you explain why good and bad things happen to you through two dimensions of your “Explanatory Style:”
* Permanence versus temporary: for how long do you give up?
* Pervasiveness - universal versus specific: how much of your life is affected by events?

Permanence vs. temporary: Pessimists see causes of bad events as permanent, such as not getting a job interviewed for:
* “I’m all washed up.”
Optimists use temporary terminology to explain:
* “I wasn’t on for that interview.”
Whose stress lasts longer? Who’s going to give up more easily? Being washed up sounds very permanent.

Pessimists also use expansive and exaggerated words like “always” and “never:”
* “I’ll never get a job.”
Optimists use “sometimes” and “lately.”
* “I’ve had some bad interviews lately.”

Opposite terminology is used when something good happens.

Pessimists use temporary terminology to explain why something good happened:
* “I’m lucky to get this job.”
Optimist use permanent causes for good events:
* “I’m the best candidate for this job.”

The second dimension of your Explanatory Style is Pervasive: how much of your life is affected by an event?

For bad events pessimists explain with universal terms and may feel helpless in multiple areas of their lives, like not getting the job:
* “I’m such a loser.”

Optimists use specific explanations and limit any helplessness to the bad event:
* “I wasn’t feeling well that day.”
Who’s more resilient for the next interview?

Pessimists use specific reasons to explain why something good happened:
* “I got the job because I’m good at math.”

Optimists use universal reasons:
* “I got the job because I’m smart.”

So, to become more optimistic and happier about your future explain bad events with temporary and specific causes and good events with permanent and universal ones.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-10-12T10:35:00.000-04:00

Depression more common now
Effort-driven rewards more meaningful than short-term pleasures
Stress for Success
October 12, 2010

Isn’t it odd that depression in America increased along with our affluence? Shouldn’t it work the other way around? Is there something in our relatively prosperous lifestyle that’s an actual cause of depression?

The pioneer of Positive Psychology, Dr. Martin Seligman of the University of PA, described two studies conducted in the 1970s in which people of different generations reported on their lifetime episodes of depression.

One might assume that the older generation would have more incidents of depression because of experiencing far more hardships from the Great Depression and two world wars, not to mention having lived longer.

But the opposite was true. Younger people were much more likely to have experienced depression. In fact, one study found that those born in the middle third of the 20th century were ten times more likely to suffer from major depression than those born in the first third of the century.

Here are two reasons that may help explain.

Lifestyle differences: older generations were far more physically active than younger ones. Think about some differences:
* Today it’s throw-away diapers; yesterday it was cloth diapers that were soaked and washed;
* Today you buy microwavable, ready-to-eat meals; yesterday, they grew, hunted, and prepared their own food;
* Etc.

Why might modern life along with its hi-tech gizmos, cars and microwaves be part of the soaring rate of depression? What might we have lost when we went from labor-intensive lifestyles to our sedentary ones?

“Our brains are programmed to derive deep satisfaction and pleasure when our physical effort produces something tangible,” says neuroscientist and psychologist Kelly Lambert, writing in Scientific American Mind (and author of “Lifting Depression: A Neuroscientist’s Hands-on Approach to Activating Your Brain’s Healing Power, 2008.) She calls our ancestors’ hard work “effort-driven rewards.” They had greater appreciation of their efforts producing their necessities, which very importantly gave them a greater perception of control, more positive emotions and maybe protection against depression.

Other social scientists have suggested a contributor to the greater affluence/higher depression formula has to do with modern humans taking short-cuts to happiness. With increased disposable income and leisure time we bought more things (note the past tense) that brought us pleasure. But pleasures are short term enjoyments. They are sensory experiences accompanied by strong emotions (ecstasy, orgasm, thrills, delight,) like eating your favorite foods, sex or watching spectator sports. Investing more energy into pleasures gives you frequent upticks in happiness, but they fade quickly.

It turns out that we’re happier and less depressed when we seek gratifications. These are activities you do for the sake of doing them. They:
* Involve thinking;
* Are an expression of your strengths;
* Stretch your skills to improve;
* Are often considered “flow” activities;

Gratifications also lead to an increase in important, positive emotion boosting neurochemical releases
which improves mood.

Consider fighting the blues and depression by seeking fewer short-term pleasures and more meaningful gratifications. Next week I’ll address identifying your strengths that are at the core of these gratifications.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-10-05T13:43:00.001-04:00

Motivation is diminished by rigid, internal rules
Stress for Success
October 5, 2010

Humans have a strong desire to be the author of their own actions, which is inhibited by two kinds of external influences:
* Obvious ones like society, your boss or family - even that early morning alarm clock or your kids’ crazy schedules;
* The less apparent but equally if not more restrictive controls are your rigid “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts;”

Regardless of which control is operating, exert control by asking, “What are my options?” Do you have to allow your kids to participate in so many activities? How can you feel more rested when the alarm goes off? To passively accept that there are no options equals stress therefore leads to a loss of motivation, if not to burnout.

Your shoulds and shouldn’ts often operate beyond your awareness making them more powerful. Rules like, “You should be polite,” “You shouldn’t appear weak,” you most likely learned growing up. You internalized these and they now control you in largely unchallenged, unconscious ways. They reside in your head and you assume they belong there even if in the same breath you resist them.

For example, people who endlessly battle weight loss, stopping smoking or drinking have their share of rigid rules (who doesn’t?), which often create a “Master/Slave” relationship that’s more pronounced than in those with no addictions.

On the one hand “I should lose weight,” sounds like a helpful inner voice. But what if the “should” represents the Master commanding you to lose weight, rankling you so your Slave resists? You may diet and exercise as you “should” or as your spouse pressures you to and you make some progress - for a while. But your rigid rules and your spouse’s pressure are both extrinsic motivators, which don’t motivate well, nor for long. Your internal Master demands compliance, which can trigger your Slave to sabotage your diet.

Charlotte Selver, counselor to very famous students like Fritz Perls and Clara Thompson, said, “If you dare to be fat, then you can be thin.”

She was referring to this Master/Slave power struggle: you pressure yourself to lose weight with the threat of hating yourself if you don’t. This creates resistance through unconscious sabotaging of yourself. To lose weight – or quit smoking or drinking – you’ll be more successful if you move beyond the power struggle and its inevitable self-hatred.

Counter your rigid rules by substituting “should, shouldn’t, have to, must” vocabulary with “choose, want, prefer.” Instead of saying, “I should lose weight,” say, “I want to lose weight,” or “I choose to lose weight.” Whereas “should” and “shouldn’t” predict you’ll behave in rigid, Master-induced ways, the more flexible vocabulary bypasses the Master putting you in charge of deciding if you really want to or not, which is the essence of motivation.

Additionally, if you’re motivated to quit your bad habit in order to take control of your health (intrinsic reason) you’ll have significantly better success than if you do it for others (extrinsic reason.) So take control by consciously challenging your Master/Slave dichotomy or it will continue to control you.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-09-28T09:25:00.000-04:00

Motivation suffers in unstable workplaces
Stress for Success
September 28, 2010

On-going workplace instability is negatively impacting American employees and taking its toll. Those who still have jobs are dealing with the stress of:
* Doing the additional work of those who’ve been laid off;
* Living with the dark cloud hanging over them that their job, too, may be eliminated;
* Dealing with both internal and external customers who are stressed to the max, which brings out defensive behaviors in most;
* Possibly their spouses having lost their jobs making it even more important to keep their own;
* Realizing that they’re lucky to have a job but tired of being reminded of it;

One of the casualties of all of this stress is employee motivation, which if suffered too long leads to burnout. And you don’t want your staff to get burned out since it usually requires drastic change to remedy, such as leaving for a better job once one shows up.

So how can employers increase motivation during these challenging times? What works and what doesn’t?

The research is in and it shows that rewards don’t really motivate, at least not for long. Rewards such as gifts, money, and benefits may be appreciated in the short run but according to much research these external motivators:
* Can be perceived by the receiver as having strings attached - a controlling intention - which won’t motivate at all;
* Refocus employees’ attention onto the reward to the point where the task can suffer;
* Rewards are difficult to end once started;
* External attempts to motivate decrease a sense of causation on the part of the recipient, the true motivator that actually works;

Depending upon the intention of the person giving the reward (is it to recognize someone’s good efforts or is to get him to work even harder?) will determine whether the reward motivates at all and if so for how long. Rewards tend to work better for recognizing people’s efforts if given with no strings or manipulative intentions attached.

The true motivators are intrinsic ones; things that increase a person’s sense of control – of causation.

Humans need to believe that their own actions cause outcomes. That’s why bosses who include subordinates in decision-making and problem-solving in areas that affect their work can become better managers with more productive employees. Bosses can also allow their employees to decide how work gets done as long as it meets the required outcome, rather than dictating how staff is to accomplish their work.

Intrinsic motivators lead people to greater persistence, creativity and success. They’re so important that psychological researcher, Dr. Martin Seligman of the University of PA, says that developed nations’ workforces are moving from assuming that money is the primary motivator - you can only buy so many things, which are extrinsic (external) motivators that don’t work well - to understanding that being the authors of their own actions is what truly motivates. The challenge is for managers to help their employees be more in the driver’s seat of their own jobs.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-09-20T13:57:00.000-04:00

Intrinsic motivators feed your success
Stress for Success
September 21, 2010

Losing weight, getting out of bed some days, not screaming at a customer; the list of responsibilities and tasks that require motivation to accomplish is a long one.

But what is motivation? Where can we get some?

The thesaurus says that it’s incentive, inspiration, drive, enthusiasm, impetus, stimulus and impulse.

You may lack these for something you don’t want to do but you’re full of them for what you love to do. Think about:
* Something you dread doing;
* Something you love to do;
What motivates you to do each?

For what you dread it may be an external force that’s pressuring you to complete it. Like the threat of losing your house if you mess up on your job or the perceived or actual disapproval of family members if you somehow fail to tow the line.

Consider the vast difference in what motivates you to do what you love. Maybe it’s caring for your grandkids on a weekend. You love those kids so much that there’s no real motivation that you have to work up; it’s just there. Or perhaps it’s your favorite hobby that you dive into after the work day that exhausts you. Your energy miraculously returns because your hobby captivates and challenges you.

An important difference is that you’re probably intrinsically motivated by what you love to do and have to depend upon extrinsic motivation (threats, pressure, guilt, money, etc.) to force you to do what doesn’t excite you.

The trick to creating motivation for tasks that you don’t feel like doing is to look for and create intrinsic rewards for finishing them.

Intrinsic motivators represent who you are at your core. They’re associated with better mental health and lead you to greater persistence, creativity and life success. They include:
* Your positive values, which are natural motivators;
* Making a contribution;
* Pride in your work;
* Personal and professional growth;
* Meaningful relationships;

Extrinsic motivators and rewards come from outside the self and are associated with poorer mental health, even depression, and create a façade that you must then invest energy into to carrying on. These include:
* Wealth and the stuff it can buy;
* Beauty;
* Fame and adulation;

Self-esteem works in the same manner as motivation: if your perceived value is dependent upon external things like a hot car or a big house, your self-worth will be fleeting. What happens to your confidence if you lose these things? Intrinsic self-esteem based on positive values like love, connection, growth, giving, etc., gives you meaning. These values don’t leave you in hard times like your income and your looks can.

So, what is something you procrastinate doing? Or dread? Or a task that bores you? Which intrinsic motivators could help you accomplish these? Sometimes your only motivator will be a threat, money or other external rewards or punishments. Just know that mental health and success are nourished when intrinsic motivators significantly outnumber your extrinsic ones - more on this next week.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-09-07T15:47:00.000-04:00

You can control your instinct to be controlling
Stress for Success
September 7, 2010

Are you a control freak? If so, what do you think drives your behavior?
* Fear of loss of control so you compensate by exerting excessive control? Like micromanaging employees (next week’s topic).
* See your spouse and kids as a reflection on you so you demand perfection from them by telling them how to act and look?
* Or you’re convinced that you’re the best person to be in charge because you know the most (which can include the first two, also)?

You may be quick to let others know how to better handle their emotions or their life in general. You find fault in others and you’re convinced their lives would improve if they’d just take your well-informed advice. After all, you wouldn’t give advice about things you’re uniformed about now would you?

Can you tell when someone doesn’t appreciate your superior knowledge and competence? Do you dish out your advice anyway? Can you just not help yourself?

To add insult to injury you’re probably frustratingly right so often! Darn!

Instead of attempting to completely stop advising others you might have greater success by mitigating your usual approach. Rather than blurting out your counsel, preface it by saying, “I have some information that can help you, if you’re interested.” This gives the other person the control to say yes or no.

You could also light-heartedly admit to those who are typically on the receiving end of your unsolicited guidance that you know you have this tendency and your intent is truly to help. Develop an agreed upon word or better yet a nonverbal signal that the other person gives you that says “stop,” to which you agree to stop immediately.

Here are some other ways you can temper your controlling tendency:
* Consider: if someone were to give you unsolicited and excessive advice how would you react? Defensively? If so, what makes you think others enjoy yours? Try saying nothing for a couple of weeks and notice if some don’t come to you asking for your opinion! They want to be in control, too.
* Before criticizing or giving advice deep breathe a couple of times while asking yourself, “Is my advice important enough to risk any potential relationship fall-out?”
* Identify your area of expertise and who would benefit from it. Perhaps a volunteer program needs your know-how. Share your knowledge with them.

If you’re on the receiving end of a control freak you can also diminish the negative impact. Instead of reacting with automatic hostility and resistance channel your control freak’s energy. If he sticks his nose into something you’re working on invite him to help with part of it. Or head him off at the pass. Invite his input before he offers it. At least it gives you some control.

Whatever the control freak’s motivation, consider giving her a break. She can’t bother you if you don’t allow her to. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Nor can a control freak stress you without your consent.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-08-31T15:13:00.001-04:00

Let go of need to control and you’ll let go of stress
Stress for Success
August 31, 2010

Believing you have insufficient control is one definition of stress, like the office worker whose knuckle cracking colleague drives her nuts or the parent who becomes angry over the children’s messy rooms.

The employee blames her colleague for keeping her from concentrating thereby assumes he’s causing her stress. The paradox is that the bulk of her stress is her fixation on wanting him to stop his irritating habit.

We all tend to want to control those who bother us. But that’s our stress. Get it? Instead, for example, the parents must stop wasting their time wishing their kids were tidier and change their approach. They could impose logical consequences if their rooms remain messy, which is within the parents’ control.

Given this, then, control freaks must live highly stressful lives! They often attempt to control people and situations that are inherently beyond their control, thus the paradox.

But we’re all control freaks one degree to another. Like passive people who loathe taking the initiative and exercise their control by associating with those who are more than happy to take charge.

Who’s your control freak? Someone who tells you how to live your life or spend your money? These unwanted authorities can be irritating to those on the receiving end if not downright intimidating.

Could these control freaks be acting out their own fear of the unknown, as Pasadena psychologist Ryan Howes contends? Their unsolicited advice is an attempt to combat their feelings of powerlessness like not being able to prevent an accident if the driver does something wrong. Psychologist Steven Reiss of Ohio State University says, “The backseat driver is an individual who has a strong need to feel influence, and they’re always looking for ways to express that need.”

Where does this need for control come from? “If you grew up in an environment that was kind of chaotic, it’s almost a defensive sort of reaction,” says Jerry Burger, Santa Clara University social psychologist. “We’ve seen this in homes where a parent has an alcohol problem, for example – those children develop a need for control themselves.”

Other control freaks can trace their tendency to a specific, traumatizing life event, like mine: eye surgery at the tender age of 2 ½ after which I was tied to the crib 24 hours a day minus the 15 minutes of relief when my parents were allowed to visit. At some level of awareness I made an unconscious decision to never be out of control again!

Decades ago I worked very hard to diminish my need to control others. What helped was accepting and acknowledging what’s within my control and what’s beyond. Everything about everybody - their personalities, tendencies, habits – are beyond my control. If I want a different outcome with someone I must change my approach. For example, I could assertively ask the person to change. Or I could tolerate what they’re doing. But if my goal in changing me is to get them to change I’m still barking up a stressful tree; more on this next week.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-08-24T13:21:00.000-04:00

We’re better off if doctors take care of themselves
Stress for Success
August 24, 2010

When treated by your physician, especially for something serious, you want her or him to be alert and functioning on all cylinders, right? But what if your doc is seriously stressed out and unlikely to take care of himself? Does that mean you’ll suffer, too?

The medical journal The Lancet reported, “The emotional well-being of doctors is a major index of the quality of the health-care system as a whole.” This is a bit scary since this is also a profession with higher suicide, burnout, alcohol and substance abuse rates. “The baseline physician is walking around fairly burned out,” says Professor Dan Shapiro, chair of the department of humanities at Penn State College of Medicine. “We teach doctors that they have to be self-denying.” Besides, stress management isn’t taught in med school because physician stress isn’t recognized.

Dr. Suzanne Koven in a Psychology Today article says that doctors have a plethora of career-specific stress to deny, which can and does work against good mental health, such as:
* Those who get into and through medical school are likely competitive and perfectionists.
* Expectations within the field include toughing it out during difficult professional situations like exhaustive surgeries or very long hours. Shockingly, “a large majority of doctors in residency training say that they’d keep working if they had vomited all night, saw blood in their urine, or experienced extreme anxiety.” On occasion ignoring symptoms may be harmless but as a lifestyle over the years a physician can find herself in dire, physical and emotional shape.
* Other strains include long hours, sleep deprivation, medical school debt that pushes them to work harder, fear of being sued and of not performing perfectly, endless paperwork, meetings, etc. All of which can create chronic stress making them vulnerable to illness and disease development. In one survey 20% of medical trainees rated their mental health as “fair to poor.”
* Many have enormous workloads with great responsibilities while not practicing good stress management nor eating healthfully.
* To make a living, they have to see more patients in less time, defeating the reason they came into medicine. They’re chronically rushed and probably not focusing on patients as carefully as they should. “They’re like air traffic controllers with too many planes in the air,” Shapiro says.
* Shapiro points out that 75% of American health-care dollars goes to treating chronic illnesses leaving docs spending significant time caring for people who remain ill. This must be very frustrating and a serious contributor to burnout.

For these and other reasons too many doctors are hesitant to seek medical and psychiatric care. Additionally, this is a profession that operates with an unspoken code of silence so physicians are unlikely to report colleagues with substance abuse or psychological problems so they go untreated.

It’s in all of our best interests if those who care for our medical needs take better care of themselves. Physicians with improved self-care and less stress make for better patient care and presumably healthier patients, too.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-08-17T10:16:00.000-04:00

Passive-aggressive behavior can be difficult to handle
Stress for Success
August 17, 2010

Manipulative, passive-aggressive behavior is the most difficult and frustrating interpersonal problem for me because it’s so hidden, indirect and hurtful. Passive-aggressive behavior, including gossiping, is also the most destructive to the health of a relationship.

We all manipulate subconsciously or consciously at times. When you do so, be aware that you’re being unassertive and failing to speak directly and truthfully for whatever your reasons. It’s very stressful to be on the receiving end of this. Wouldn’t you rather upset co-workers talk to you directly versus gossip about you?

A key to understanding passive-aggressive behavior is to realize that it’s an attempt to get even with you, the aggressive part. It’s an indirect expression of anger or frustration. Apparently gossiping co-workers feel the need to discredit you and don’t have the courage to do it openly. Their method is passive.

If you’re chronically manipulated by someone, you’re almost certainly part of the problem. As in all relationships, it takes two to tango. To diminish others’ manipulation of you, take responsibility for your own complicity. Since you can’t make others change (be less manipulative) and since all you have true control over are your own choices, you must change your response --- or continue to dance the manipulative dance. How do you respond now and what could you do differently?

The main change you’ll need to make to extinguish or significantly diminish others’ attempts to manipulate you is to expose their attempts, which can feel very uncomfortable. For example, you could say a colleague who went behind your back.,

* “Jane, it’s my understanding that you’ve told others that I didn’t do my share of the work on this project. I’d appreciate it if when you have a problem with me that you bring your concern to me directly rather than to someone else. Then we can discuss it openly and resolve any misunderstandings.”

Expose hidden manipulation a time or two and she’ll be less likely to manipulate you in the future.

If the passive-aggressive person is a customer or a boss with whom you’d be unlikely to be so direct, here’s another idea. Your customer says,
* “Your employees were over yesterday and they actually did a good job!”

Doesn’t it sound like he’s really saying that they usually don’t do a good job? To clarify the customer’s hidden message you could say,
* “Dave, it sounds like what you’re really saying is that they usually don’t do a good job. Is that right?”

Whenever you expose manipulative behavior you’ll need to be prepared to deal with what the person has to say. If he admits that, “no, they usually don’t do a good job,” you could address it by saying,
* “That’s unacceptable. Tell me what they need to do better.”

Passive-aggressive behavior is very difficult for most of us to handle well, especially when the relationship is one of love or of power. Learn to surface it in a non-defensive manner to create an opportunity to resolve any underlying issues. Then and only then can you know what you’re dealing with.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-08-10T09:08:00.000-04:00

Spread the word: Productive gossiping a skill
Stress for Success
August 10, 2010

In the 1980s I read about and followed good office politics advice: listen to (virtually) all gossip but spread none. This kept me in the loop but not as a backbiter that “gossiping” implies. When you’re out of the loop - by choice or by exclusion - you miss out on valuable information needed to “play the game.” This includes greater awareness of your organization’s informal network, especially important in organizations that practice poor communication.

Because evolutionary psychologists believe gossiping is an innate human trait enhancing survival, consider it a social skill versus a personal weakness. And seek a balance. Avoiding all gossip because you believe it’s always destructive will isolate you. But blabbing everything to everyone is also undesirable. To balance gossiping:
* Know when to say nothing by;
* Asking if spreading the rumor will hurt your team;
* Avoid making yourself sound like the hero when you share information;

Consider these tips to benefit you and your team and lessen the damage:
* “The Local Media Rule” is a concept I use in harassment training but it also applies to whether to pass on gossip. If what you spread about someone were to show up in your local media or your company’s newsletter (not to mention Twitter or Facebook) would it embarrass you? If so, don’t spread it.
* Be tactful. Rather than saying, “Our new boss knows nothing about leadership,” you could say, “Our last boss was such a great leader,” implying that he was better than your present boss.
* Generate good will by passing on information that makes a colleague look good. “Chris worked over the weekend to save the account.” This reflects positively on you, too, especially when Chris hears about it.
* Defend your friends: A former, close colleague of mine reported that a mutual co-worker was calling me the “b” word for being assertive. (Back in the 1980s this was a common label applied to assertive women.) I asked if he stood up for me and he answered “no.” At no risk to him he could have said, “How do you see her as aggressive?” Or, “I find her to be assertive not aggressive.” The only way to diminish malicious, passive-aggressive gossip is to expose it. Then the gossiper will think twice about spreading hurtful opinions to at least you if not to everyone.
* Communicate openly with employees especially during heightened stress when they’re feeling less in control. Instead of trying to create a gossip-free workplace, which is probably impossible, talk directly with them and keep them posted on changes and challenges. Since gossip loves a vacuum don’t stick your head in the sand but be proactive in communicating what’s going on through regular emails and meetings.

You can decrease the negative impact of gossiping by following these simple rules. If you feel compelled, however, to spread trash at least be very careful about whom you tell. CYA, if you know what I mean.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-08-04T11:34:00.001-04:00

Gossip can be good
Stress for Success
August 3, 2010

Is gossip among humans equivalent to grooming between primates?

Yes, according to psychologist Robin Dunbar of the University of Liverpool and author of “Grooming, Gossip, and the Evolution of Language.” He suggests that gossiping connects social groups together.

Since gossip is found in people of all ages, eras and societies, evolutionary psychologists believe it’s an innate human trait born out of our primitive past. It’s likely an evolutionary adaptation that allowed us to survive and flourish throughout the ages.

Here’s why.

Prehistoric humans lived primarily in small groups with everyone knowing everyone. They had few encounters with strangers. To survive, they cooperated with their “in-group” members against “out-groups” but also saw those in their in-group as their main competitors.

To deal with relationships successfully our ancestors had to have a strong interest in others’ private lives to accurately predict and influence their behavior (see where I’m going here?). Those who were the most successful at managing relationships became more attractive mates, thereby more likely to pass down their genes to us.

Our curiosity about others is, therefore, a survival skill used to this day and especially important given our regular interactions with strangers.

Gossip is used for a variety of reasons, some more adaptive than others. It can:
* Attempt to equalize power; like employees spreading rumors about a boss. Gossiping is called the weapon of the weak.
* Indicate a sign of deep trust, creating bonding through shared secrets. Sharing gossip indicates that you trust the person you tell that they won’t use it in any way against you. Those excluded from office gossip, for example, become outsiders not trusted or accepted by the group.
* Serve as a source of information for employees who otherwise aren’t getting any from management. When gossip is controlled, it can be a positive force in a group’s life.
* Be a way to learn the unwritten rules of social groups by communicating group customs and norms.
* Be an efficient way of reminding group members about the importance of the group’s values, therefore, it’s can be a method of punishing those who go astray.
* Be used as a dysfunctional strategy to increase one’s status at the expense of others. This distasteful side of gossip usually overshadows the productive ways it can unite people.
* Provide information about the activities of same-sex people close to your own age to whom you ought to pay special attention since they are your principal evolutionary competitors.
* Provide information about those who matter the most in your life like rivals, mates, relatives, colleagues, and those with power over you. Humans are most interested in information that can affect their social standing. Keen interest in negative news about high-status people and potential rivals can be exploited while negative information about those lower than us in status isn’t as useful.

It’s good to know that gossip is probably instinctual so we don’t have to always feel guilty when we indulge. Next week I’ll share some tips on successful gossiping.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-07-27T16:34:00.000-04:00

Entitlements don’t come without responsibilities
Stress for Success
July 27, 2010

In the 1980s two young people we knew had baffling work expectations. One, an office worker, was upset because she didn’t get a raise when a colleague did. The other, an electrician, became indignant when his boss, the owner of the business, dropped him off at a job but didn’t stay to do the work herself.

Does their sense of entitlement seem off-base to you?

Some say today’s Millenial generation has a too-strong sense of entitlement, also. An example is college counselors who cite struggling students blaming their professors for being boring; like boring instructors cause bad grades.

Having a sense of entitlement, often representing unrealistic expectations, manifests itself in many ways. Aggressive drivers feel entitled to intimidate you out of their way. Some hurricane survivors expect an immediate government rescue. Older siblings feel entitled to greater respect from younger ones. Some poor people feel entitled to unending benefits. Some affluent people expect the best opportunities. The list goes on and on.

What do you feel entitled to? Are your expectations realistic?

A sense of entitlement carries a serious risk: the possible shirking of personal responsibility. The office worker blames the boss for not giving her a raise versus wondering, “What are my options?” in securing a raise. The students could ask the same question about getting better grades.

Instead, all are focused on how the other person is interfering with them getting what they want. As I’ve stated many times before, wanting the other person to change increases the stress of a situation because the other person is always beyond your control.

What’s within your control is figuring out your options. The students could study more, get tutoring, figure out how to pay attention even when bored.

No doubt everyone has certain rights and entitlements but for each one we must also accept their inherent responsibilities. You have the right to be respected. Your responsibility is to behave in ways that earns others’ respect; being reliable, honorable, respectful of others, etc.

In the above examples which responsibilities are being ignored?
* The office employee had the responsibility to figure out what’s rewarded in her job and what isn’t. Did her attitude inhibit her from getting the additional responsibilities that would have justified a raise? Did her very sense of entitlement grate on her boss?
* The electrician had the responsibility to know what he was hired to do and to do it; to understand his job responsibilities versus his boss’s. Plus, he needed to accept that the owner of a business can do pretty much what she wants. It’s her company.
* The students need to figure out how to learn and pass. Period.

Too frequently in our rights-oriented society we demand our entitlements with little thought to their corresponding responsibilities. This almost always leads to more anxiety if we passively wait for what we want. To increase success and lower stress, it’s important to identify and pursue the options that are within your control that can lead you toward your realistic expectations.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-07-20T14:52:00.000-04:00

Space of time stops knee-jerk reactions
Stress for Success
July 20, 2010

Recently I’ve written about how mindfulness can help you respond to stressful situations as you want versus reacting automatically out of your unconscious, past childhood programming. It’s difficult to change these mechanical reactions because when you’re anxious your Stress Cycle is triggered speeding up your response time. The more stressed you are the faster you react. All of your best intentions of behaving more appropriately go down the drain.

To stop these unwanted reactions create a Space of Time between your stressor and your reaction to it. You can gain a millisecond of time to discipline yourself to stop your habitual, defensive behavior and replace it with a more desirable and effective response.

Mind Games can create this Space of Time. This isn’t the idea from the 1980s pop psychology where you manipulate others people’s minds but rather it’s playing a little game inside your own head to stop your undesirable reactions.

Mind Games don’t solve problems. Their sole intended purpose is to give you power to change your behavior, seldom an easy task. Here are some examples.

Mind Games work best when you personalize them to your situation. For instance, a woman was easily intimidated by her very aggressive, loud boss. In fits of pique he threw insults at her and others. She came to the belated conclusion that his rudeness said more about him than about her and decided she needed to keep his insults from sticking to her. So she imagined a protective plexiglass shield slipping into place in front of her resulting in his insulting words dripping down the glass therefore not sticking to her.

When my older stepson moved in with us I became very critical of him, which I disliked in myself. He’d do something and I automatically pounced. I tried deep breathing, looking for humor in the situation but nothing worked well. One day as I was about to criticize him, an image popped into my mind that worked as a Mind Game from that day on - most of the time anyway. I pictured my mother and father watching their dear sweet daughter being so hard on this child. That’s all I needed. It stopped me in my tracks. It created the Space of Time I needed to walk away from the situation.

Finally, a young boy was afraid of being alone in his bedroom at night. His father taught him to hum, When the Saints Come Marching In, whenever he became frightened to push away his fears, which allowed him to fall asleep sooner.

Mind Games that can work for you are limited only by your creativity. Create some image, thought, humor or just use deep breathing to stop unproductive reactions. Create a Space of Time to increase your opportunity for change.

Be patient because this, like anything, takes time. And it doesn’t always work. If Mind Games help you stop undesirable behavior even a little, it’ll be worth the effort. Perfect this skill and you’ll finally be able rid yourself of some of those embarrassing, immature reactions.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-06-30T19:57:00.000-04:00

It’s easy to go on emotional autopilot
Stress for Success
June 29, 2010

It’s easy to block out painful emotions and operate emotionally on autopilot. Addictive behavior may be a warning sign that this is occurring habitually. To notice some emotions they might have to become extreme. But mindfulness stress management can allow you to face your emotions and not feel like you have to run from them.

According to Ronald Alexander, Ph.D. and author of “Wise Mind, Open Mind: Finding Purpose and Meaning in Times of Crisis, Loss and Change” handling stress mindfully helps you to be less reactive focusing on the big picture of a stressor. When automatically reacting to stressors you’re reacting out of your unconscious, which is largely programmed from early childhood. In other words, automatic, defensive reactions tend to be coming from your inner child. You’re also probably focusing on the details of the situation.

Alexander says, “The key to dealing with stressful situations, especially for those who take things personally, is to develop a deeply grounded core rudder so that no matter what size of wave one encounters they can recover quickly and proceed with more focus.” To remain grounded he recommends developing “mindstrength” through mindfulness meditation practice. “Mindstrength is the ability to easily and quickly shift from a reactive mode to becoming fully present in the moment, experiencing the full force of your emotions even as you recognize that they are temporary and will soon dissipate.”

He says mindfulness practices affect your brain’s amygdala, the area responsible for regulating emotions. When the amygdala is relaxed, your stress response is more balanced. Your:
* Heart rate lowers;
* Breathing deepens and slows;
* Body stops releasing cortisol and adrenaline into the bloodstream, decreasing the potential damage chronic stress places on your body;

Over time, mindfulness meditation, Alexander says, “thickens the region of the brain responsible for optimism and a sense of well-being. This area is also associated with creativity and an increased sense of curiosity, as well as the ability to be reflective and observe how your mind works.”

When in stressful situations he encourages you to answer these questions, taking your pulse of the here and now:
What do I feel right now?
Do these feelings benefit me in any way? If I feel anxious and fearful, do these emotions lead me to insights, or do they cause conflict, hold me back, and distract or weaken me?
If what I’m experiencing is in response to another person’s behavior, what’s the evidence that that person’s actions have little or nothing to do with me and are, instead, the result of what’s going on inside his/her own mind?
Can I depersonalize the situation?
How can I nourish myself at this difficult time?

Finally, Alexander says, “Mindfulness meditation and other disciplines such as martial arts, tai chi, and yoga are excellent ways of quieting the rational mind and opening up to the intuitive mind and its link to the spiritual creative force. Through this connection you can build “mindstrength,” stop reactivity, and focus on the big picture.” (www.ronaldalexander.com)

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-06-15T10:44:00.001-04:00

Mindfulness loosens grip of old resentment
Stop inappropriate defensive reaction
Stress for Success
June 15, 2010

Everyone has at least some childhood pain that’s triggered by present-day situations leaving you to misdiagnose the cause of your current stress. The setting off of these largely unconscious memories activates their associated emotions and typically a defensive reaction from you. And the stronger your pain the faster you react leaving potentially a millisecond between the triggering event and your habitual reaction to it. This is why it’s so difficult to change defensive behavior.

For example, your boss condescends to you and you verbally respond more aggressively than you want. Could the real problem be that your boss is simply triggering some unresolved childhood issue? If so, could identifying it loosen its grip on you?

Ask this revealing question to discover if your boss is truly your stress or if he’s triggering an earlier source:
* “Who or what from childhood could trigger this same reaction in me?”

Maybe your father was condescending. Now, as an adult, whenever an authority figure appears to talk down to you your instantaneous, aggressive reaction pops out.

To break outdated and needless reactions become more mindful of what’s going on before, during and after the triggering event and expand the “space of time” between the event and your reaction to it. Eventually you can reduce the intensity, duration and frequency of automatic reactions and respond in a more thoughtful and desirable way.

Here’s how to start:
1. Bring your attention to the present moment, particularly to your breathing; in and out, in and out. At first this may not stop your defensive pattern. Eventually, paying attention to your breathing allows you to observe your unhealthy pattern and ultimately to catch yourself becoming emotionally hooked. Then you’ll be closer to changing your response.
2. Non-judgmentally witnessing your habitual, unproductive reactions helps avoid adding more emotional fuel to the fire. Consistently, over and over bring your drifting attention back to your breathing. Instead of criticizing yourself for getting defensive with your boss simply acknowledge that you sometimes respond to him this way. Notice what he does that triggers you (his derisiveness), your aggressive response, followed by fear that you’ve overstepped the line, then worry that he’ll punish you someday. After one of these episodes set aside contemplative time to observe the unpleasant emotions and physical sensations triggered earlier. Be mindful of these. Observe your thoughts, feelings and fight or flight reactions that exacerbate your stress.
3. Reduce the intensity of your automatic reactions by nipping them in the bud to prevent full development of overwhelming emotions. There’s an opportunity within the first seconds of recognizing your habitual reaction to prevent further escalation. Break these mind/body chain reactions to stop the process. Remember, the less you judge yourself - or him - the less intense your feelings become. Don’t accept nor condemn your emotions, just observe them for what they are, habitual, immature and unhelpful, albeit normal.

Since thoughts determine your emotions next week we’ll look at how mindfulness can help you quiet and calm your mind.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-06-08T15:20:00.001-04:00

Get off autopilot; kick the past out of the present
Stress for Success
June 8, 2010

It’s disappointing when you habitually react defensively to your critical boss, a dominating parent or whomever. You swear you won’t let him or her get under your skin then, bam! It happens again. Why can’t you get control over yourself?

Many conflicts have less to do with the person in front of you whom you assume is causing your distress and far more to do with this person triggering a painful memory from your past usually involving an important person you believe hurt you. You project onto the present situation your past fears. Practicing mindfulness can help you break your historic patterns even in the midst of difficult emotions.

Meditation teacher Jon Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness as, “Paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.”
* Paying attention: We typically operate on automatic pilot rather than paying conscious attention to the present moment and our place in it. You think of other things, worry about what might happen and react
rather than respond to unfolding events. You’re especially vulnerable to over-reacting when you’re stressed.
* On purpose: Paying attention to what’s happening in this moment requires conscious effort and is the opposite of operating on automatic pilot.
* In the present moment: Versus difficult emotions from your past being triggered pulling you back to habitual reactions.
* Non-judgmentally: Unwelcome situations tend to trigger negative and judgmental assumptions. “You’re unfair!” You instantly judge the situation, others or yourself creating more distress and conflict. Negative judgments imply a certain outcome you desire. “You should be fair.” Too often what you want is for the other person to change. But they’re beyond your control. Non-judgmental mindfulness allows you to see situations more clearly and to evaluate them from an emotional distance thereby dropping your judgment. You observe your emotions and reactions as they arise without trying to control them. Eventually mindfulness allows you to see a typical stressor as less of a big deal and more as a passing, unwanted experience.

Consistently practicing mindfulness, especially when stressed, is difficult but it can bring significant relief and freedom from old, painful patterns.

Mindfulness is not:
* Detaching from experiences nor disengaging emotionally from life. You don’t become indifferent nor lose your enthusiasm. Mindfulness encourages engaging more completely rather than reacting out of habitual patterns.
* Submissively accepting whatever happens. You won’t lie down and play dead in the face of conflict. Non-judgmental mindfulness allows you to respond to difficult situations with understanding and attention rather than habit, impulse or addiction.
* A miracle cure for all that’s wrong.

Mindfulness is an internal strength that can be developed to surmount hurt and pain and grant you greater freedom from your past. It helps you break habitual and defensive life patterns, which can allow you to establish better relationships and increase your kindness toward yourself and others.

Nature, meditation, deep breathing, etc. can help you become more mindful. Next week we’ll continue looking at its benefits and how to develop it.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-05-25T15:02:00.002-04:00

Grieving puts your body under tremendous stress
Survival fear may exacerbate
Stress for Success
May 25, 2010

Just like with any stress, the death of someone dear to you triggers your stress response along with its resulting hormonal releases, increasing your vulnerably to illness and disease development. But does losing a beloved also trigger a deep evolutionary fear perpetuating an on-going, therefore, a more damaging stress response?

Some researchers believe a survival mechanism is triggered when you lose a close loved one: the natural fear that having lost this person makes you yourself vulnerable to death. This comes from the very human, instinctual bond we have with our families for the survival purposes of protection and finding food. The severing of these bonds could literally mean death to ancestors when affected by such a loss.

So, losing a close loved one not only puts you into a state of grieving but at a very deep, instinctual level it may activate an amorphous anxiety that elevates your stress response on an ongoing basis leaving you stuck in a state of continuous anxiety. Because you don’t physically act on your stress energy but rather “stew in your own juices,” your body is put under tremendous stress. Just some of the symptoms of accumulating stress include:
* Loss of focus;
* Disrupted eating and sleeping patterns;
* Panic attacks;
* Shallow breathing;
* Digestion, metabolism and circulation changes;
* Less coordination possibly causing falls;
* Weakened immune system making you more vulnerable to colds, etc.;

Depending upon your condition before your loss, if the stress from grieving continues long enough you can be vulnerable to developing many physical symptoms or illnesses such as:
* Infection;
* Cardiovascular disease;
* Rheumatoid arthritis;
* Dry mouth;
* Leukemia, lymphoma;
* Lupus;
* Alcoholism and drug abuse;
* Pneumonia;
* Diabetes;
* Glaucoma;
* Malnutrition;
* Chronic itching;
* Depression;

When you’re grieving it’s important to know that you can protect yourself from these and other symptoms. A very important first step is to accept that your body is in a state of crisis and to take care of it exceptionally well for the foreseeable future (and for the rest of your life). Are you:
* Eating healthfully?
* Resting and relaxing enough?
* Taking enough time off from work?
* Exercising?
* Drinking enough water?
* Saying “no” to unimportant things?
* Seeking professional help if necessary?
* Treating yourself to a massage, music, etc.?
There’s no time table of when you “should” experience the different stages of grief nor how long it should take you to move through them. There is no certainty that your increased stress will cause any illness or contribute to the development of any diseases. The best way to ensure that you limit any potential physical and emotional consequences is to take very, very good care of yourself. Develop excellent self-care habits and continue them far beyond your time of grieving. You’ll reap the rewards of more energy and better mental and physical health to help you move into the next phase of your life when you’re ready.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-05-17T20:26:00.001-04:00

Everybody grieves in their own way
Need to go through it, not around it
Stress for Success
May 18, 2010

Some believe healthy grieving means going through all of the Kubler-Ross Model stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance - but don’t take this as an absolute road map. Each of us grieves in our own way. However, the one thing I’ve learned as a licensed mental health counselor is that you need to go through your grief, not around it. If you deny or avoid it you’ll still have to experience it some day before you can move on.

So grieve you must for according to the National Mental Health Association, “The loss of a loved one is life’s most stressful event,” especially if you made decisions about the way he or she passed away.

Psychologists estimate that 15% of grieving people experience especially painful “complicated grief.” This goes beyond “normal” bereavement to feeling that life has lost all meaning and a shaking of the foundation of your personal beliefs, even religious ones. If it’s prolonged, it can lead to physical illness and clinical depression. Other common symptoms include:
* Feeling distant from or hostile toward some people;
* Obsessive and agonizing yearning for your loved one and feeling abandoned when reality returns;
* Avoiding places that remind you of your loved one;

Obviously, the loss of a child is particularly difficult. Columbia University’s School of Nursing researchers’ survey found that more than 60% of parents still actively grieve the loss of their children even 20 years after their deaths.

The sudden loss of a spouse can produce similar pain. Surviving spouses lose more than their partner, they lose a way of life and possibly some friends and financial security.

Many say that sharing their grief minimizes the feeling that they’re “sleepwalking” - numb, exhausted, disorganized, confused - and of feeling overwhelmed. If you’re experiencing these feelings, be kind to and patient with yourself. Postpone important decisions if you can until you’ve worked through much of your grief. If you have trouble coping get help from a counselor. If you develop clinical depression consider an antidepressant.

Self-care is also vital to minimize the possibility of developing an illness: eat well, get sufficient sleep, and avoid self-medicating with alcohol or drugs. Watch for physical stress symptoms like:
* Lethargy
* Sleeplessness
* Appetite loss
* Loss of interest in things you previously enjoyed
* Uncertainty
* Digestive and other health problems
If these symptoms linger, get professional help. Even if you have no obvious symptoms consider having a physical check-up six months after the death of your beloved to make sure you’re not paying any physical consequences.

After awhile you start to realize that you haven’t totally lost your loved one. Looking at photos there’s a sense that they’re still with you through the history you shared together. This is a sign that you’re moving through, not around, your grief. You don’t want to forget your loved one, but accept that progressing through grief is a process that is necessary and normal and eases eventually moving into the next phase of your life.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-05-11T08:36:00.001-04:00

Human connections ease pain
It is important to be open to support, love when grieving
Stress for Success
May 11, 2010

The loss of a loved one is a special kind of stress. Your world can be fine one moment and upside-down the next. Your grieving symptoms can run from fuzzy thinking to muscle tension to depression to illness.

Once again I find myself grieving the loss of a loved one only six months after my step-son passed away. This time it’s an older, prankster brother - who’d douse my sheets with water in the middle of MN winters and ditch my glasses in the toilet just for fun. He succumbed to cancer, a cruel disease made worse by his horrible treatment hell.

Over the past year of his battle I, of course, worried about him but mostly wouldn’t let myself go there. His situation was so beyond my control and worrying only increases stress. I mostly redirected my thinking to something within my control like imaging his cancer shrinking (which obviously did no good other than to keep me from worrying).

Going through this with him proved to me once again that human connections ease the pain. It’s refreshingly amazing during trying times how people come out of the woodwork to do kind things, like the local doctor who doesn’t know me from anyone but emailed me Internet research study links that might help my brother. There’s goodness everywhere.

I’m grateful for the support I received from so many like my husband keeping a close eye on me, especially at the funeral. Friends and my “paloaltos” and other members of the symphony chorus I sing with who inquired about my brother, suggested resources and checked to see that I was OK. All made me feel loved and protected with their many phone calls, emails, hugs and offers of help.

After my parents passed away so closely together in 1998 I took a grieving class at Hope Hospice in Fort Myers. Everyone else in this group was grieving the loss of a spouse, which taught me two very important things:
* Appreciate my husband while I have him;
* When a spouse dies your entire life changes;

My life hasn’t changed appreciably with my brother’s passing. My sister-in-law’s has. Everything has changed for her. Any goals they shared are now up in the air. Her future looks totally different whereas mine doesn’t. It’s safe to say her stress far outweighs mine. With her best friend by her side the entire time before, during and after the funeral she has the best kind of support to begin her grieving. She, as everyone else, will move through it in her own way. We all grieve differently.

It’s said that it’s better to give than to receive but when you’re grieving it’s important to be willing to receive others’ support. When you lose your spouse it’s even more important to open yourself to the power of love from supportive others. Let it bathe you in the power of human connection, facilitating your movement through your grief. So, I’m going to call my sister-in-law now, it’ll be good for both of us.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-04-13T09:05:00.001-04:00

Friendship influenced by biology
Women, men differ, believe it or not
Stress for Success
April 13, 2010

Is it natural that women are likelier than men to have more close friends? Since this behavioral pattern is found in animals it does suggest that turning to others probably has biological origins.

According to UCLA psychologist Shelly Taylor, “females enjoy the comfort of one another’s company,” like prairie vole males who react to stressful conditions by seeking out their female mates, while females turn to other females. And female bonobo monkeys form intense, long-lasting bonds with other females, much more so than males.

And in both humans and animals the pattern of nurturing well -- or not -- is passed on. Vervet monkeys, for example, who were mistreated or deprived in infancy don’t mother their own offspring as well as nurtured monkeys do. Humans who were abused as children are more likely to become abusive parents, too, according to Taylor and many researchers. Additionally, children who don’t receive much physical attention or warmth are at risk for a wide range of serious physical and mental health problems.

Across cultures females are taught to care for others from an early age. Playing with dolls, caring for younger siblings, baby-sitting others’ children and eventually caring for their own kids, parents and even in-laws, are typical for most females.

Taylor goes on to say that relationships are vital and that “social ties are the cheapest medicine we have.” What great health care is that?

I’ve written before about women’s possible built-in advantage in coping with chronic stress due to the hormone oxytocin , which facilitates child birth and nursing and is experienced by both genders during orgasm and bonding. Some researchers believe this bonding hormone protects women against the ravages of too much exposure to the fight/flight hormones. (Oxytocin doesn’t seem to protect stressed men since their testosterone interferes with it.) This suggests that attachment behavior, more associated with females, is a natural stress inoculant giving females a distinct survival advantage. This is a wonderful antidote for stress that women should continue to rely upon. Men could also put more energy into their relationships and reap similar benefits.

But is this hormonal difference a blessing and a curse to women?

Psychologist Alice Domar at the Mind/Body Medical Institute at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston says data clearly show that women are more stressed on a daily basis than are men and not because they ruminate more as once thought.

“Men worry about three things: their immediate family, job and money,” she says. “Women worry on a daily basis about up to 12 things: their immediate family, job, money, extended family, friends, their kids’ friends, the way the house looks, their weight, the dog, etc.”

So women may have a built-in resiliency to stress with additional oxytocin releases but also have more stress, much of it over the very relationships that protect women from stress. The trick to this is to stop stewing about anything and anyone beyond your control and when you feel stressed call a friend, or make a friend if you don’t have one.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-03-23T10:58:00.000-04:00

Stress plays role in weight gain
Dissolve tensions by resolving issues
Stress for Success
March 23, 2010

Unless you’ve ignored all news over recent decades you know that obesity either causes or worsens six of the seven most common chronic diseases that fuel sky-rocketing health care costs, including diabetes and heart disease. There’s a plethora of programs to help you lose weight, some more effective than others. Yet the obesity epidemic continues, disturbingly and increasingly among children.

But losing weight isn’t only about eating a healthier diet and moving your body more, crucial as these are. Another very important contributor to weight gain – stress - needs to also be acknowledged and addressed if true weight loss is to be sustained over the long haul.

Americans are vulnerable to too much stress due to our society’s fast pace and to our penchant for so little time off from work. If we took as many days off as the German’s – the average American works 12.5 weeks more/year – how many of us would simply get another job rather than enjoy the time off? It’s not only corporate America who’s stingy with time off; it seems that workaholism is part of the American psyche. But over the years it takes its toll on our collective health.

Exacerbating this traditional stressful lifestyle is our rotten economy creating chronic stress for most of us. Chronic stress typically triggers weight gain, which can lead to obesity, which contributes to so many diseases.

You can find yourself packing on the pounds when you’re under increased pressure because when stressed your survival brain tells you to eat more carbohydrates. It would be one thing if you reached for complex carbs like carrot sticks but of course we tend to go for donuts or other refined flour and high-fat foods, contributing to diabetes and heart disease.

But becoming consciously aware that the urge to eat carbohydrates is part of the normal stress response can help you make healthier choices. Additionally, just because your brain pushes you to eat carbs, doesn’t mean you have to eat the bad ones. You could choose to eat healthy ones. Hopefully all weight loss programs tell you this.

You can lose all the weight you want but if you’re still highly stressed you’ll have to fight this carbohydrate urge endlessly. So, include a stress reduction plan along with your weight loss regimen, heart-healthy plan, or your diabetes management approach.

The most effective strategy for stress reduction is to face your challenges and solve them. What are your options regarding each stressor? If you can’t see any talk to someone who could help you. By reducing your stress you’ll diminish your natural stress response’s urge for carbs.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-03-09T13:26:00.001-05:00

Employers can help cut health care costs
Stress for Success
March 9, 2010

Health care costs are exploding and endangering our economic recovery and future stability. Government can’t fix the cause. Only we can because we, individually, are the cause.

First, here are some of the facts.

Employers’ average per employee cost for health care grew from $6,384 in 2003 to $9,312 in 2008. During these same years, employees’ share of their own health care costs increased 59%, creating great stress among many. (Source: Towers Perrin 2008 Health Care Cost Survey)

The cost of health insurance premiums has far outpaced the rate of inflation and earnings over the past 20 years (source: Kaiser Family Foundation, 2005) and if food prices had risen at the same rate since the 1930s we’d be paying:
* $80.20for a dozen eggs;
* $13.70 for a pound of sugar;
* $122.48 for a pound of bacon;

And no wonder our premiums have skyrocketed. An Indiana University-Purdue University, Fort Wayne Study in 2006 found that employee lifestyle counts for a vast majority of health care claims costs: 87.5% to be exact! This seems extreme to me because it doesn’t seem to take into account our genetic weaknesses. My belief is that your genetics, along with your good and bad habits of a lifetime determine which afflictions you’ll suffer. Your stress level throughout your life will determine when your genetic weaknesses will kick in.

Having said that, if your workforce is typical compared to national demographics there are health risks and costs you face. For every 100 employees you can expect:
* 25 to have cardio vascular disease;
* 12 asthma;
* 6 diabetes;
* 26 high blood pressure;
* 30 high cholesterol;
* 38 overweight;
* 21 smoke;
* 31 use alcohol excessively;
* 24 don’t exercise;
* 44 suffer from stress;

To pay for rising healthcare employers have increased copays and deductibles and switched providers. This has only restrained costs for awhile so employers are now working to motivate employees to live a healthier lifestyle through wellness programs. Impressively 62% of all companies offer them. This is great news!

The National Business Group on Health in 2005 documented the many benefits organizations realize after implementing workplace wellness programs. Below they’re listed in order of their benefit:
* Increased morale, 56%;
* Employee health improvement, 41%;
* Reduce health care costs, 27%;
* Reduce accidents on the job, 9%;
* Reduce absenteeism, 8%;
* Increase productivity, 8%;

So is an employer’s return on investment worth the cost of a wellness program? What is the savings per dollar invested? Many published studies on worksite wellness found that the ROI is $3.48:1 due to reduced medical costs and $5.82:1 due to reduced absenteeism. (Sources: Aldana, SG, 2001, and Chapman, LS, 2005)

But after all is said and done, “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.” Will your employees drink from the wellness stream? After all, the improvement in our health must ultimately be done by us individually, my topic for next week.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-02-25T09:02:00.000-05:00

Playing more can help avoid burnout
Stress for Success
February 22, 2010

Is “free-play,” spontaneous versus structured play like sports, genetically programmed into us? Is it a survival skill?

The animal kingdom sheds light on this. Do young animals play? If you’ve ever had puppies or kittens, seen animals in the wild or watched squirrels in your yard you know the answer’s a resounding “yes.”

Play may be a very ancient evolutionary development. Rats that had their neocortex removed, the brain region in humans involved in executive thinking, still engage in normal play suggesting that the urge to play originates in the brain stem, a portion of the brain that preceded mammals. “This means that the core, genetically-provided circuitry for play is situated in the very ancient regions of the brain,” explains Jaak Panksepp, now of Washington State University, who led this experiment in 1994.

Research over decades has shown that children who experience substantial free-play develop more normal social, emotional and cognitive skills. They become better adjusted, smarter and less stressed.

Play is also important to adults. It’s one of the best ways to stave off burnout, which is very important since burnout is difficult to defeat, especially when it’s advanced.

In the 1980s I burned out quickly after only two years in the mental health field. I could barely get out of bed on Monday mornings. Again, in 1998 I became burned out after caring for both of my parents with their respective end-of-life illnesses. I lost virtually all interest in my work, which was highly unusual for me since I’ve always loved my present profession.

Both bouts of burnout required drastic changes of me. The first episode pushed me to quit working for others and start my own business. The more recent spate motivated my husband and me to sell his business and our home to travel the country for a year in a motor home. I doubt any tweaking around the edges would have cured me since I allowed my burnout to reach fever pitch requiring a total makeover to recover from it.

A much better prescription for avoiding burnout to begin with is to get enough play. Without it, your lifestyle’s frenetic busyness can wear you down.

Here are three ways to increase adulthood play. To be effective, make sure there are no time pressures and goals to accomplish:
* Physical play requiring active movement;
* Object play using your hands to create something you enjoy;
* Social play has you joining others in social activities from conversations to games;

Do something that’s fun for you. What did you enjoy doing as a kid? Can you do that again in your current life? Spend time with kids who are playing. Don’t wait for work to lessen because it doesn’t. Schedule time for play or you won’t do it.

Don’t worry that it’s wasting time since it will make you more productive at work. Splurge by doing something fun at least weekly. Use it or lose it; have more fun or you’ll lose the ability.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-02-16T13:34:00.000-05:00

Free-play a serious matter
Stress for Success
February 16, 2010

My mother often said, “You’re young so short a time. Enjoy it. Play. Don’t try to grow up so fast.” And play we did. Didn’t you? With neighborhood kids we rode bikes, swam at the community pool, had snow-ball fights, and played Simon Says until we had to go home.

Many kids today are experiencing very different childhoods. “Free-play” is losing some of its luster. A 2005 paper in The Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine stated that children’s free-play time decreased by 25% between 1981 and 1997. Structured activities like music lessons and sports are taking its place in parents’ attempt to get their kids into the right schools. But this reduces free-play.

Kids who don’t experience free-play may grow into apprehensive, socially neurotic adults and are at greater risk for violence. Psychiatrist Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play in Carmel Valley, CA, found that most killers had two things in common: they were from abusive homes and they never played as kids. From his research he discovered that a lack of unstructured, imaginative play can keep children from growing into happy, well-adjusted adults.

A 1997 study of children living in poverty and at high risk of school failure found that those who attended play-oriented preschools were more socially adjusted later in life than those who attended play-free preschools where teachers continually directed them. By age 23, more than one third of kids who’d attended play-free preschools had been arrested for felonies versus fewer than one tenth of play-oriented preschoolers.

“The consequence of a life that is seriously play-deprived is serious stuff,” Brown says. But it’s never too late to start.

But why is free-play better than structured activities like soccer?

According to University of Minnesota educational psychologist, Anthony D. Pellegrini, “games have a priori rules – set up in advance and followed. Play … doesn’t have a priori rules, so it affords more creative responses.” This challenges kids’ developing brains more than following predetermined rules by using their imaginations trying out new behaviors and roles.

Free-play versus being told how to behave helps kids develop stronger social skills. By interacting with peers, they discover what’s acceptable and what’s not. They learn to be fair and take turns or risk losing friends. When having fun, they don’t give up as easily when frustrated as they might on a school problem, which helps them develop perseverance and negotiating skills. Additionally, to keep things friendly kids must communicate, the most important social skill of all. Peer play is the most important in this respect since children use more sophisticated language when playing with other children than when playing with adults.

According to Gordon Burghardt author of “The Genesis of Animal Play,” the free-play activity shouldn’t have a clear goal and children should initiate and create their own scenarios like pretending to be doctors or play house.

So, I guess my mother was right to let kids be kids. Mental well-being and social maturity are more important than getting into the perfect school anyway.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is an international speaker and a Stress and Wellness Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-02-08T14:23:00.001-05:00

Focus on your goals, but don’t miss out on today
Stress for Success
February 9, 2010

Balance: a state of equilibrium, equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.

Seeking balance in your life is a cornerstone of stress management; such as don’t under- or over-exercise, if you’re too passive you’d be wise to become more assertive, etc.

Another area in which it’s wise to seek balance is in where you focus your energy: on tomorrow’s goals or today’s life.

Author of “Finding Flow” Csikszentmihalyi encourages us to create lives of greater meaning and happiness with less ruminating on the negative by continually working toward goals. “ ... goals shape and determine the kind of person you become. Without them it’s difficult to develop a coherent self.”

But some people take this to the extreme, putting too much energy into pursuing goals creating an imbalance. They continually focus on the future while missing much of today, like the hard-driving career person who approaches a beautiful sunset without even noticing it. Being goal-oriented is great, but not to the exclusion of the here and now.

Others would say focusing on future goals is largely a waste of time because, as Buddhists believe, one’s reality is in the present moment; the here and now. To practitioners, focusing on the future means missing reality. Living in the moment facilitates mental and emotional balance because it means giving up your worries about the future and your regrets about the past. Besides, working so tirelessly on goal attainment often doesn’t bring you the satisfaction you’d hoped for anyway.

But focusing exclusively on the here and now may not prepare you for the future. The reality of our economic society, for example, requires knowing where your next paycheck is coming from to pay bills and that requires at least some level of planning for the future.

This is where balance is important. Over-focusing on tomorrow means missing today; ask parents who concentrated on work and missed their kids growing up. Over-focusing on today may find you in love with the spontaneous but forgetting important work deadlines or other commitments.

The trick is to seek balance. The more an imbalance pushes down one side of the scale the more you need to rectify it by doing something quite different to create a better equilibrium. For example, you high-speeders racing into the future might want to balance your goal-focused tendencies by increasing your mindfulness of things you do daily, like playing with your kids and focusing your attention on their touch, adorability, and the good feelings inside you when you interact in a loving way with them. Regular meditation would be great for you allowing you to be more aware of the present.

If you tend to mostly live in the moment, scraping together your rent money, prepare a budget and figure out where your necessary income will come from. Set goals of how to adjust your income and expenses.

Seeking a balance in how much you focus on the present and the future allows you to enjoy the journey as well as plan for and secure your future.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-01-26T11:20:00.001-05:00

Setting goals improves mood
Stress for Success
January 26, 2010

“What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is,
in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence
is what we do.” -- John Ruskin, 19th Century English social thinker

What do you talk about accomplishing? Do you put your money where your mouth is? You should because by regularly setting realistic goals and accomplishing them you’ll improve your moods and self-esteem and lower your stress.

Author of Finding Flow, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi says, “ . . . we often walk through our days ... out of touch with our emotional lives. As a result of this inattention, we find ourselves constantly bouncing between two extremes: during much of the day we live inundated by the ... pressures of our work and obligations, and during our leisure moments, we tend to live in passive boredom.”

To avoid this uninspiring lifestyle he encourages creating goals on which to focus. “ ... goals shape and determine the kind of person you become. Without them it’s difficult to develop a coherent self.”

Working on objectives also improves your moods. Csikszentmihalyi says that when your attention isn’t focused on goals your mind wanders and settles on the negative, causing stress and leading you to miss what’s going well. This leads to distracting yourself through passive leisure activities like TV, drugs, etc. Setting and accomplishing goals that stretch you prohibits distracting thoughts and negative feelings because your attention is so focused on accomplishment. Minor aches and pains also drift to the background of your awareness.

In addition to defining your vision, writing a SMART goal and an action plan, covered in previous articles (see previous articles here at http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com,) here are some final tips to reach your goals:
* For each goal set specific and realistic start and completion dates. If you’re not meeting your deadlines revise them since unattained goals increase stress.
* Identify the people who can help you. For my goal of marketing my newly published book I truly need the help of marketing people, my husband, and hopefully a college intern.
* Assess your current skills that can help you accomplish your goal. For marketing my book/keynotes my present skills include:
o Communicating my message;
o Organization for contacting radio/tv hosts/producers and speakers bureaus; follow-up persistence to secure interviews/dates;
o Calmness during interviews;
* Identify the skills that you need to acquire and develop. For my goal there are too many to list here.

Finally, know what’s in it for you to accomplish your goal. For me, this includes:
* Increased income;
* Shorter speeches vs. multi-hour workshops, diminishing vocal-chord strain;
* Spreading the word regarding the bad news about stress (it makes you vulnerable to illness and disease development) and the GREAT news (schedule more rest away from it to protect your well-being);

“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living,
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.” Mark Twain

You owe yourself the life you want. So make it happen, step by step.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-01-19T15:13:00.001-05:00

Create an action plan to make your vision a reality
Stress for Success
January 19, 2010

“Any wind favors one who has no port.” Source Unknown

If you’re frustrated with your life but don’t know what to change, then any “wind” will carry you wherever it’s going, which may or may not be where you want to go.

Recent articles have been about “living a life by design, not by accident” and setting SMART goals to attain your vision. This week we’ll look at creating an action plan to initiate your movement, because,

“A goal without a plan is just a dream.” Source Unknown

Setting goals is easy. Anyone can do it. You’ve known others, yourself perhaps, who boast, “I’m going to do this …,” “I’m going to accomplish that ...” and seldom follow through. To create the life you want you must do the difficult work of creating a realistic action plan then making it happen.

To greatly improve the odds that you’ll follow through on your action plan write it down (be sure to have it in writing) and include:
* Specific steps;
* Deadlines for accomplishing each;
* Announce the goal to trusted others;
* Reward yourself for accomplishing steps along the way;

I’ll use the example of promoting my newly published book hoping that by broadcasting what I’ve been historically bad at – marketing – it will keep my toes to the fire.

My vision:
* Getting out my book’s message to help counter the national epidemic of obesity, diabetes, cardio vascular disease, digestive issues, etc., through national keynote presentations and tv/radio interviews, selling my books along the way;

My SMART goal:
* Specific: to book 8 national keynotes/year and at least 7 interviews/month b7 January, 2011;
* Measurable: the numbers above make it measureable;
* Action-oriented:
o Send book to all speakers bureaus listed on-line by February 15, 2010, with a minimum of 5 follow up calls to each;
o Secure a marketing intern student;
o Contact at least 30 radio/tv producers/hosts/month to book a minimum of 7 interviews/month starting now;
o Upload to my website recorded radio/tv interviews I’ve done and interviewer endorsements by January 20, 2010;
o Finish my next book by December, 2010;
o (There are many more specific steps but my column has a 500 word limit.)

These actions are Realistic and the Timing is possible, satisfying the final two components of a SMART goal.

As the months progress I’ll track each contacted radio/tv producer and completed interviews, speakers bureaus contacted and speeches scheduled to make sure I’m on target. My first assessment to make sure I’ve done all I’ve committed to is April 1, 2010. If I haven’t I’ll re-work my goal and action steps.

My reward for quarterly milestones accomplished will be a full day off to play with no connections to work (email, etc.)

So, now that I’ve told you all of this it places pressure on me to carry out my plan. When (not if) successful it will be the first time I’m ever followed through on a marketing plan! Wish me luck.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-01-12T10:04:00.001-05:00

Let your goals take you to desired destination
Stress for Success
January 12, 2010

The beginning of the year is symbolically a great time to rethink the direction of your life. Are you on target for where you want to be? Do your action-steps need to be tweaked or do you need a complete redo?

“Where your energy goes, results show.” -- Jack Canfield

“To live your life by design, not by accident,” put your energy into setting and accomplishing goals that will lead you to your desired destination.

In past weeks I’ve addressed setting goals with “the end in mind.” And last week I shared an activity that can help you define your vision, your “end.”

This week, let’s consider the process of writing goals.

To increase the likelihood of accomplishing your goals, write (be sure to put them on paper) SMART ones.
* Specific: don’t confuse goal setting with stating a desire. E.g., “I want a job that allows me to spend more time with my family.” How much time is more? Twice the time? How much time are you spending with them now? Unless it’s specific, you won’t have a target to shoot for nor can you know when and if you’ve reached it.
* Measurable: include numbers, percentages, deadlines, etc., to measure your progress. For example, your goal is to find a job that allows you to be home by 6:00 p.m. daily and travel a maximum of four days/month.
* Action-oriented: this is the heart and soul of setting goals. Whatever you’re shooting for requires taking action. What must you do to find and get a job that allows you to be home by 6:00 p.m. most days? You’ll need to:
o Research jobs in the area;
o Know each job’s requirements;
o During the interview ask enough questions to pin down the interviewer about travel and realistic work hours;
* Realistic: you must research your parameters of being home most evenings and limited business travel to find out if they’re realistic in the present job market. Would they be perceived by a potential employer as a drawback and make you a less desirable candidate?
* Timing: Are your parameters realistic with the timing of needing a job? When doing research, does it seem that there are so few jobs right now that you need to take anything that comes along? For how long can you go without a job without jeopardizing paying your bills, including your mortgage?

Keeping these five steps in mind, it’s time to write your SMART goal:
* E.g., To find a job by April 1 that has regular work hours allowing me to be home by 6:00 p.m. the majority of days with a maximum of four days of travel a month.
* (You can expand your SMART goal by defining the kind of job you want, as well. Be specific.)

Now that you have your goal written you’ll need to develop an action plan, my topic for next week because, “A goal without a plan is just a dream.” Source unknown.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2010-01-05T12:05:00.000-05:00

Decide what you want, then make it happen
Stress for Success
January 5, 2010

“Live a life by design, not by accident,” said Dr. Rick Brinkman, a former colleague. What would the life you’re meant to live look like? Can you create it?

People tell me that I’m lucky to love what I do. I respond that luck has nothing to do with it; I read a book in 1979 (I guess I was lucky to come upon it), filled out the assessment (below) and voila, it pointed me toward what I’ve been doing ever since. Making it happen came from hard work, persistence, and most importantly, the belief that I could make it happen. If you don’t think you can improve your life, then you won’t even try.

If your life isn’t what you wanted what needs to happen to create a more appealing one? By “following your bliss” as Joseph Campbell said your life will be much more meaningful and less stressful.

Last week I wrote about creating New Year’s goals with the “end in mind” and briefly referred to the exercise that led me to my life’s work. If you’d like to reshape your life follow these directions. With patience you can discern your bliss, your “end.”

Directions (from “How to Put More Time into Your Life” by Dr. Dru Scott)
1. Consider your personal, professional and social lives, for each:
* What do you want/need more of?
* What do you want/need less of?
o List 20 – 30 items under each question. There will be cross over between the lists, for instance “more money,” “less debt.”

Listing 20 - 30 items isn’t easy. Keep at it. Listen for the implied “more/less of” desires in your complaints. Like complaining about commuting may imply you want “less driving,” “more working out of your home.”

2. Next, regarding your personal, professional and social lives, what do you hope your lifestyle and accomplishments will have been by the time you die?

Fill out these four lists many times over the next few weeks. Whatever repetitively shows up is forming the outline of your desired life. What reappeared in my lists included more:
* Travel;
* Money;
* Presenting workshops;
* Flexibility;
* Independence;

Less:
* Traditional work hours;
* Bureaucracy;
* Commuting;
* Politics;
* Dead-end work;

Accomplishments/lifestyle:
* A great marriage;
* World travel, adventure;
* Make more money/hour and work fewer hours;
* Author books;
* Self-employment working out of our home;

This exercise made it crystal clear that I wanted to start my own speaking business, travel the country and world presenting programs on topics that fascinated me and help people make desired changes. Once I started working toward this vision my considerable job burnout instantly started melting and gave meaning to everything I did in pursuit of my desired lifestyle. It has been my passion for 30 years.

Lily Tomlin once said, “I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.” Don’t let life just happen to you. Take control and figure out which somebody you want to become. Then little by little make it happen.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2009-12-28T15:35:00.001-05:00

Set goals with the “end in mind”
Stress for Success
December 29, 2009

Goodbye and good riddance to 2009, right? Let’s make 2010 a much more stable year by learning from the past to prepare for our futures.

“Start with the end in mind,” said Steven Covey, author of “7 Habits of Highly Successful People.” Seeing how your day-to-day efforts move you toward larger and important - even distant - goals creates energy, willpower and the motivation to accomplish them. Plus, making steady progress toward your vision gives your life greater meaning, therefore significantly less stress on a daily basis.

So, where do you want to be in three - five years? You can create New Year’s goals to nudge you in that direction. If you don’t know your destination, answer the two magic questions repeatedly over several weeks about your personal and professional lives:
* “What do I want/need more of?”
* “What do I want/need less of?”
Whatever repetitively appears on successive lists paints a picture of your desired destination around which you form your smaller goals.

Answering these same two questions also helps when you know your destination.

Let’s say that in three years you plan to graduate from college and get a better job than the one you lost during this recession. Keeping the end in mind, you define your vision as regaining financial stability, protecting yourself from being unemployed again and getting serious about saving for your retirement, which is twenty years down the road. To reach it you want/need:

More:
* time to study;
* sharing of household responsibilities to create that time;
* paying off debt;
* savings;
* energy to succeed in school;
* weight loss;
* satisfaction with what you have;

Less:
* debt;
* perfectionism about unimportant tasks;
* stress over finances;
* unnecessary spending;
* wanting what you don’t have;

Next, set and achieve smaller goals to reach your vision within three years. But set realistic ones since unattained goals create stress. For example:
* Pay down credit cards faster, even if only by a small amount, and when they’re paid off, deposit that same amount of money monthly into savings;
* Create and stick to a reasonable budget and stop buying what you can’t afford;
* Take an assertiveness class to learn how to set limits with your family and to request their help in sharing responsibilities;
* Start walking a mile a day multiple times a week to lose weight and get healthier;
* Begin each day being grateful for your blessings;

Keep your destination on your mind by making a colorful and appealing collage that depicts it. Post it at home, in your office and/or in your car to keep you focused on what you need to do daily to accomplish it. Even tiny investments of time toward one of your goals, like making a five minute phone call, give the rest of your day more meaning while reducing your stress.

So, what are you waiting for? Get started and make 2010 and less stressful year.

Happy New Year!

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2009-12-15T14:41:00.001-05:00

Pets can be great stress relievers
Research shows they lower your blood pressureStress for Success
December 15, 2009

Recently, watching a loving friend sleeping while draped over my lap (our cat Blue) I realized that I’ve never written about pets and stress. So let me right this wrong for they are one of your best stress breaks, at least if you like animals.

My husband and I have virtually always had cats over the last 33 years and we can attest to their calming influence. This became clearest to me during an episode of chronic stress – parental care giving. Frequently, dragging myself home after incredibly stressful days our two adorable Siamese kittens would use me as a Jungle Jim melting away my stress in seconds.

These beloved best friends provide constant comfort while bringing out our own nurturing instincts. They serve as a distraction from weightier issues and stave off loneliness. They never judge us if we’ve gained weight or even abused drugs. We can be ourselves with them. They love us unconditionally.

There’s much research reporting the health benefits of pets like from the CDC: pets can decrease blood pressure, cholesterol, triglyceride levels, and loneliness.

The State University of NY at Buffalo studied 48 stockbrokers with no medical conditions other than hypertension, who in the previous five years lived alone with no pets. Half of them were assigned a cat or dog, while the others remained alone. Six months later, those caring for a pet had significantly lower blood pressure than those without pets. “When we told the group that didn’t have pets about the findings, many went out and got pets,” says researcher Karen Allen, Ph.D. “This study shows that if you have high blood pressure, a pet is very good for you … and pet ownership is especially good if you have a limited support system.” Pets can even lower blood pressure better than drugs, especially during stressful times.

Dr. Allen also examined the effects of friends, spouses and pets on stress over unpleasant tasks. Compared with human support, “the presence of pets was associated with lower perceived and actual responses to stress.”

Other research finds:
* Petting an animal calms you lowering your heart rate and blood pressure;
* Pets can provide exercise, helping your heart;
* In 1999 UCLA Public Health report: AIDS patients with no pets were about three times more likely to report symptoms of depression than those who had close attachment to pets. Elderly people with close connections to pets had fewer doctor visits; those with disabilities reported improved health status;
* A City Hospital in NY study: heart patients with pets were significantly more likely to be alive a year after being discharged than those with no pets. The presence of a pet was found to increase survival more than having a spouse or friends!
* A 2007 Met Life study found pets ward off elderly depression;

Pets aren’t for everyone. But if you’re a fan, connect regularly with your pet and nurture their emotional connection and support. If you don’t have a furry best friend consider getting one to significantly reduce your stress.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html.

2009-12-07T15:53:00.001-05:00

I wrote my book to “wake you up!”
Stress for Success
December 8, 2009

I’ve learned some things about stress over my 25 years of international speaking:
§ The most important point is that stress is in the mind of the beholder, what stresses you may not stress your neighbor;
§ Much if not most of your stress is in your interpretations, not in the stressor itself;
§ Most want to believe that “they” or “it” cause their stress;
§ Most don’t want to do the hard work of stress management, which requires that playing devil’s advocate with your own thoughts - the difficult part of stress management;
§ You probably know what you’re supposed to do to reduce stress - healthy eating, exercise, meditate, etc. - but probably don’t do enough;

This is what motivated me to write my recently published book, “Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain and Simple” (available at http://letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html). It drives me nuts (I know, I choose to be driven nuts) when people continue to barrel through life accumulating tons of stress, not realizing the physical and emotional damage they’re doing to themselves then doing too little to protect themselves from it.

I am passionate about helping people make this very conscious connection between the parade of stressors that march through their lives and the physical and emotional symptoms they exhibit. Once they become very aware of this connection my hope is that instead of taking daily aspirins for headaches or Nexium for ongoing indigestion or blood pressure medication they’ll see their symptoms for what most of them are: symptoms of stress. Instead of popping pills they could work to lower their stress.

My book is about the damage from chronic stress (too much stress for too long) that makes you vulnerable to illness and disease development. You’ve read in this column numerous times the negative consequences from diabetes to depression, headaches to heart disease. My mission is to scare you with the research and to wake you up to the “why” you need to adopt healthier habits.

To explain the consequences of chronic stress, Robert Sapolsky, Stanford University’s brilliant stress researcher and author of “Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers,” says:
“No single disastrous effect, no lone gunman. Instead, kicking and poking and impeding, here and there, make this a bit worse, [make] that a bit less effective. Thus, making it more likely for the roof to cave in one day.”

The way I convey the damage is drip, drip, drip.

Depressing as this may be, there is also GREAT news about stress.

The “Plain and Simple” part of my book title is what really motivates me to spread the good news. The advice is simple: to protect yourself and your future physical and mental wellbeing from the ravages of stress and its excess fight/flight hormones get more rest away from your stress through Stress Breaks. Rest doesn’t have to be literal like a nap, although it’s a great Stress Break, but any break away from the onslaught of daily pressure. I include techniques for releasing your fight/flight energy like yoga, volunteering, connecting with people, etc. and relaxing the energy through meditation, deep breathing , etc. You don’t necessarily have to engage in the two Stress Breaks that give you the biggest bang for your buck – exercise and meditation – because even practicing the smaller things frequently increases your protection.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com .

2009-12-01T09:52:00.001-05:00

Reclaim control by overcoming your fear of flying
Stress for Success
December 1, 2009

Having experienced panic attacks, I’m grateful mine never extended to flying or I’d never have pursued the profession I love, which involved near-weekly flying. I can too easily imagine aviophobes’ fear when panic sets in and there are no options of escaping until the airplane lands!

A 2006 USA Today/CNN/Gallup poll found 27% of American adults are “somewhat afraid” to fly with 9% “very afraid,” better than post-911 when 43% were frightened and 17% were very afraid. At least 10% of Americans have full-blown phobias and worry obsessively that they’ll crash or die from their own fear.

There are multiple causes for this fear:
* Feeling of not being in control;
* Claustrophobia;
* Fear of heights;
* Multiple, frightening flying experiences, like severe turbulence;
* Heightened stress putting you into a “panic zone” where you’re more vulnerable to panic;

The great news is that there are effective treatments:
* Therapy and self-help products that teach you to notice and combat fear-escalating thought patterns, imagery and relaxation techniques to overcome them;
* Virtual therapy using 3-D computer flight simulations, which 2006 research by psychologist Barbara Rothbaum of Emory University found a greater than 70% success rate;
* Hypnosis can expose the circumstances when you first developed your fear to better understand and conquer it;
* Cognitive-behavior therapy includes information about aircraft safety;
* Tranquilizers or antidepressants can help but aren’t long-term solutions. Therapy is usually required to overcome your anxiety.

However, the best treatment, exposure therapy, requires you to confront your fears by actually flying – with preparation. Exposure therapy can help more than 90% of aviophobes, according to German psychologist Marc-Roman Trautmann.

Trautmann believes that lack of information is the main cause of aviophobia so he provides the facts about air travel to soothe exaggerated beliefs of its dangers. For example, when an airplane banks you might fear it could tip over. But what you see is an optical illusion. It looks like the horizon is perpendicular to the aircraft when it actually takes the curve at scarcely 25 degrees from horizontal and planes are built to take curves safely at 60 degrees.

Aviophobes also exaggerate their fears by obsessing about them sending their mental and physical symptoms through the roof! To interrupt the cycle, Trautmann uses a cognitive-behavioral approach of educating clients that although their fear and physical symptoms are real they’re simply the fight/flight response mistakenly trigged. The stress response is meant to engage when you’re in danger. Aviophobes create danger in their minds, which triggers their physical panic symptoms. “I feel like I’m going to die,” some say. Trautman counters, “No one dies of fear.”

Students are also taught relaxation to dull their panic symptoms. Then through habituation, a form of learning where reactions to a stimulus diminish with repeated exposure, they accompany him on actual flights.

This may sound scary but what’s scarier is missing out on your life. Buck up by seeking out effective treatments to overcome your fear so you can reclaim your life.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html.

2009-11-24T12:06:00.000-05:00

Even in these hard times, you can still be grateful
Stress for Success
November 24, 2009

Societies around the world have seemingly always celebrated annual harvests. Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving in October, the British have their fall Harvest Festival, Jewish people celebrate Sukkot, the nine-day thanksgiving festival, and the Chinese have an equivalent celebration during their eighth calendar month.

The first recognized American Thanksgiving meal was in 1621 with the Plimouth colonists and the Wampanoag Indians celebrated their autumn harvest. The Wampanoags taught the Pilgrims how to survive in their new land; something for which the Pilgrims must have been very grateful.

The original feast in 1621 was based on English harvest festivals and it lasted for three days. Our ever-expanding middles can be grateful that our celebration is just one meal plus leftovers (love those leftovers.) In 1623 a day of fasting and prayer during a period of drought was changed to one of Thanksgiving because the rain came during the prayers. Gradually the custom of annually celebrating the fall harvest took root in New England.

It’s a wonderful tradition and given its pervasiveness in worldwide cultures it seems to speak to the human need to acknowledge our blessings. It connects us with family and community in a way that can help us appreciate the importance of each other in bringing in our harvests, even our modern-day harvest - jobs.

Appreciation is an important antidote to stress, especially during these ongoing economic difficulties. Focusing on something other than the dire, yet hopefully improving, condition is healthy for your well-being.

Being consciously grateful is also a proven technique to pull yourself out of emotional drama. For example, you’re exasperated over the fact that you do virtually all of the work for Thanksgiving dinner. After hours and hours of preparing the meal it’s consumed in a matter of minutes. If that weren’t enough, you watch the stuffed dinner guests waddle over to the TV to watch football while you’re left with the mess.

What could you be grateful for? That you …
* Have people you love who are pleased with your meal;
* Are a great cook and host;
* Are healthy enough to create such a feast and have enough energy to clean up after it;
* Are getting help cleaning up from some guests;
* Can change your approach next year and make it clear that you expect everyone to have responsibilities before and after your Thanksgiving meal;

At least for this week, see if your stress abates a bit by daily being consciously grateful for what you have. Put your mind into a thankful place with even the craziness that sometimes accompanies such a busy holiday. Give your co-workers, customers and boss a break. Be grateful you have a job or if you don’t that one might come along soon. Forgive your family members or friends whose habits aggravate you. Be thankful you have them in your life instead.

Look at life in general this week through grateful eyes. How does that change things? What would happen if we did it 365 days a year?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Email her to request she speak to your organization at jferg8@aol.com.

2009-11-19T08:54:00.001-05:00

STRESS EXPERT TO INTRODUCE NEW BOOK
AT MARK LOREN DESIGNS RECEPTION

Fort Myers, FL (November 11, 2009) – Jacquelyn Ferguson, author of Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain and Simple will appear from noon to 4:00 p.m. Saturday, November 21, 2009 at Mark Loren Designs, in Fort Myers, for a book signing reception. This will be her first official appearance to introduce her newly published book.

Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple is about chronic stress -- elevated stress that lasts for six months or longer. Chronic stress makes people vulnerable to illness & disease development. Diabetes to depression, insomnia to indigestion, heart problems to headaches are common symptoms from too much stress. The book presents practical techniques, in plain and simple language, to help readers protect their emotional, physical & mental well-being by letting their body win. Techniques addressed include stress breaks like deep breathing, recognizing signs of stress, and activities which help mitigate the damage of the stress response.

Jacquelyn Ferguson is a professional and stress coach and owns InterAction Associates, a management development and training firm. For over 25 years, Jacquelyn has presented keynotes and workshops on stress management, diversity, customer service and communication skills to audiences throughout North America, the United Kingdom, Australia and points in between. She has served in the Peace Corps, holds a Master’s degree in Community Counseling/Psychology, and worked for several years as a Program Director at the Ruth Cooper Mental Health Center in Fort Myers, Florida. She has authored four audio programs, and her column “Stress for Success” appears weekly in the Fort Myers News-Press’ Healthy Living section.

Mark Loren Designs is located at 13351 McGregor Boulevard, Fort Myers, Florida 33919. Wine will be served and books will be available for purchase. Guests will have the opportunity to have their books signed, meet the author, and discuss the benefits of stress management. Reservations are not required.

For more information about Jacquelyn Ferguson and her new book, visit www.letyourbodywin.com.

2009-11-19T08:40:00.000-05:00

Stress a major factor with panic attacks
Knowledge most effective treatment
Stress for Success
November 17, 2009

Panic attacks are frightening. Your heart races to the point you fear a heart attack. You experience shallow breathing, nausea and sweating triggering agonizing thoughts about losing control, going crazy or dying.

You probably obsessively worry about future attacks so avoiding the situations causing them seems logical. Your world shrinks and your quality of life diminishes. Your panic symptoms and avoidance behavior qualify you for a diagnosis of panic disorder.

I overcame infrequent panic attacks in my 20s. Thirty years later they returned while driving over high bridges. Why? My overall stress level was through the roof due to my care-giving for both of my parents during their end-of-life illnesses.

Virtually anyone can develop panic attacks. Research explains that a person’s first one is caused by enough ongoing heightened stress where just a little more can put you into a panic zone. My newly emerged attacks disappeared as my stress level gradually returned to normal (out of my panic zone) after my parents passed away.

Genetic vulnerability explains why others panic. If one identical twin has panic disorder, the chance that her twin also has it is two to three times higher than for fraternal twins.

New research suggests another cause: too much carbon dioxide. Danish experimental psychiatrist Eric Griez had healthy volunteers inhale air with varying levels of carbon dioxide. With higher amounts they reported feeling fear, discomfort, fear of losing control and dying. These results build on Donald Klein’s “false suffocation alarm” theory suggesting that some people have an overly sensitive suffocation monitoring system.

Physiological and/or psychological vulnerabilities can also make you more likely to panic, such as a short-fuse fight/flight response from excessive childhood stress or having parents who taught you that the world is a very scary place.

Regardless of the cause, you’ll likely associate your physical and mental symptoms with what’s going on at the time. These associations become “learned alarms” that can provoke further panic. Like how some mistake the accelerated heart rate from vigorous exercise with the heart pounding of a panic attack, triggering an attack. Or confuse excitement, which triggers the fight/flight in a positive way, with panic, thus setting off another attack. It’s a vicious cycle. You’ve become hyper-vigilant to the physical and mental symptoms associated with panic attacks setting you up for more of them.

Knowledge about panic disorder is the most effective treatment:
* Accept that panic attacks are a perfectly normal physiological function (the fight/flight, albeit overheated) that won’t kill you nor drive you crazy. They trigger catastrophic thinking that’s within your control to minimize. For example, avoid building exaggerated scenarios of passing out based on your faster breathing from a panic attack.
* Wait for a few minutes and the panic will subside. It’ll diminish faster if you don’t feed it with exaggerated thinking.
* Take yourself out of the panic attack zone by reducing your overall stress;
* Get gradual exposure to the internal and external cues to diminish their associative power;

Next week we’ll look at panic attacks in the air.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Go to http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com for past articles.

2009-11-10T15:31:00.000-05:00

Chronic stress may lead to cancer development
Weakened immune system less likely to stave off illness
Stress for Success
November 10, 2009

Mounting research demonstrates that chronic stress, elevated stress for more than four months, makes you vulnerable to illness and disease development but does this include cancer? According to the National Cancer Institute it seems the answer depends upon whom you talk to. Some researchers say yes, others say no. There’s not enough evidence to say definitively one way or the other. Some studies have found a link but not a direct cause-and-effect.

Partly it’s unclear because the relationship between physical and psychological health isn’t well understood. Also because of that huge variable: genetics. Then there are common risk factors for cancer like:
* Bad habits like smoking, alcohol abuse
* Growing older
* Being overweight
* Having a family history of cancer
Researchers have difficulty controlling the presence of these factors in study groups and separating them from the effects of stress.

One researched connection between stress and physical health that’s near-universally accepted is that stress weakens your immune system, which protects you from infection and disease, including cancer. Also, recent animal studies suggest that your fight/flight stress response can directly alter important cellular processes that help protect against the formation of cancer, such as DNA repair and the management of cell growth.

Since chronic stress also increases your risk of obesity, heart disease, depression and other illnesses and conditions possibly leading to unhealthy habits like overeating, smoking or alcohol or drug abuse, all of which can influence your cancer risk, it’s safe to say that elevated stress for too long can make you vulnerable to develop whatever your genetics predisposes you to develop.

Additionally, some studies indicate that stress can affect cancerous tumor growth and its spread, but the how isn’t well understood. Perhaps it’s the effect of stress on the immune system, which affects tumor enlargement. Also, research using animals indicates that the body’s release of stress hormones can directly affect cancer cell functions.

Finally, a review of studies researching psychological factors and vulnerability to cancer suggests a relationship between certain psychological factors and the growth or spread of cancer:
* Feeling helpless
* Suppressing negative emotions
Not all studies, however, found this relationship. A stronger relationship has been found between psychological factors and cancer growth and spread versus cancer development. (This information is from the National Institute of Mental Health: www.nimh.nih.gov .)

In short, we can’t definitively say that stress causes cancer. At minimum since chronic stress is strongly indicated in cardio-vascular disease, diabetes and many lesser afflictions (from insomnia to irritable bowel syndrome) it behooves you to manage your stress well, especially if cancer is in your family. And since stress can exacerbate any health problem, it’s wise to direct your stress energy to keep the stress hormones from triggering your genetic vulnerabilities. Channel this energy regularly through the two most efficient and powerful Stress Breaks: physical exercise (releases the stress energy) and meditation (relaxes it). Taking better care of yourself also increases your sense of personal control, automatically decreasing your stress, therefore its harmful effects.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Go to http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com for past articles.

2009-11-03T08:31:00.000-05:00

Sudden death of stepson something quite different
Support from others critical to coping
Stress for Success
November 3, 2009

When the phone rings at 1:00 a.m., it’s never good news. This happened to my husband and me very recently. And it was very bad news. My 38 year-old step-son, my husband’s younger of two boys, had just passed away. We were stunned.

Bobby lived with us when he was a very sweet and social 16-year-old (it’s great to describe a 16-year-old boy that way.) He was a pleasure to live with. He moved back in with us a few times after that as an adult, as so many young people do.

Sad and bad news like this sinks in slowly. Throughout the day we both frequently found ourselves staring into space. Friends and family started to call with condolences and the tears flowed. Family gathered, and that’s good. It helps so much. These make it real.

We’ve lost several friends and relatives over the past years and it’s never easy. But a son – that’s different. That’s not supposed to happen.

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned over the past decade from losing both of my parents, a sister, a brother-in-law and several friends is that it’s important to have no unfinished business with your loved one who passes away. I’ve seen it happen time and again where the ailing person and a surviving loved one patched things up at the end; even with no words spoken about anything needing to be patched up. It was the behavior of each that showed the other that all was forgiven; that their mutual love was far more important than whatever had separated them. Why do we let things fester?

Life contentment is to a huge degree determined by how connected to others we were throughout life. Even something little like sending heart-felt sympathy cards strengthens these connections. I’d never previously understood their significance from a survivor’s eyes. Now I’ve become much better at sending cards myself.

More importantly, opening yourself to the expressions of love and support help cope with stress and loss. Like a dear friend who cooked a meal large enough for an army after my father died. She knew we were hosting many family members and cooking is one of her gifts. Other friends lent their shoulders to cry on throughout my parents’ illnesses (they went through their end-of-life illnesses at the same time.) A brother called me almost daily to help make decisions and share the stress of my care-giving. He’d make me laugh in the first minute or two of each call momentarily lifting my stress. Other siblings came down to FL to take our place so we could occasionally get away. Our new kittens made me smile. I don’t know what I would have done without them. Each one contributed something valuable and special.

But with Bobby we had no warning. Boom! He’s gone. Something tells me this will be a different kind of grieving. Thank goodness we have so many loved ones to help us get through it. Writing about it helps, too. Thanks for reading.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html. Go to http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com for past articles.

2009-10-27T13:56:00.001-04:00

Healthy foods help in weight loss
Stress for Success
October 27, 2009

Since being over-weight or obese makes you more vulnerable to several medical conditions including diabetes, cardio-vascular disease, asthma, and some cancers, here are some foods that can help you lose some of your excess baggage.

Apples
Apples are great because they help prevent “metabolic syndrome” and the accompanying blood-fat disorders (plaque buildup in arteries, high blood pressure, insulin resistance and the risk of heart attack or stroke.) Apples also reduce cholesterol in your blood and liver.

Red grapes and wine
Royalty in diet foods includes red grapes and wine, which contain resveratrol. Resveratrol reduces the number of fat cells in your body and may someday be used to prevent or treat obesity. Grapes stop young fat cells from maturing and impede their ability to store fat. They also reduce production of inflammatory substances that contribute to obesity-related disorders like diabetes. But limit yourself to one glass of wine since two glasses erase the benefits by pushing blood pressure and stress above where they were in the first place (darn.)

Lucy Danziger, SELF Editor-in-Chief recommends several foods that are filling and nutrient-packed to help you take off more pounds.

Steak
The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition: Women on a diet that included red meat lost more weight than those eating equal calories but little beef. The protein in lean cuts of steak help you keep muscle mass during weight loss, which is important since muscle burns more calories than fat, promoting additional weight loss.

Eggs
Louisiana State University at Baton Rouge research: Women on a low-calorie diet who ate an egg with toast and jelly each morning lost twice as many pounds as those who had a bagel breakfast with the same number of calories. Egg protein is so fulfilling that you’ll crave less food the rest of your day.

Lentils
These beans, which are full of protein and soluble fiber, can help reduce your belt size since they balance blood sugar levels and prevent insulin spikes that cause your body to create excess fat, especially in the abdominal area.

Pomegranates
Low in calories with great taste and high nutrition;

Chiles
The capsaicin in spicy chiles increases your metabolism for 20 minutes after you’ve eaten them, which helps your body burn extra calories. Since it’s uncomfortable to eat them quickly they promote slower eating, which gives your brain time to register that it’s full, discouraging overeating.

Quinoa (KEEN-wah)
This grain is full of fiber and protein to keep you hunger-free for hours, also diminishing craving.

Parmesan
The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition: Women who daily had one serving of whole milk or cheese were less likely to gain weight over time. Those who ate low-fat dairy didn’t experience the same benefit possibly because whole-dairy may contain more conjugated linoleic acid, which seems to facilitate fat-burning. Plus, it’s so flavorful you only need a few sprinkles.

You constantly make on-going choices about what to eat. If you choose healthier alternatives more often than not your body will thank you for each excess pound you shed.
Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html.

2009-10-19T17:39:00.001-04:00

Obesity adds weight to health costs
Stress for Success
October 20, 2009

With the health care debate raging around the country little attention has been paid to the obesity epidemic, which costs an estimated one out of every six health care dollars. Consider:
* The Mayo Clinic reports that two-thirds of Americans are over-weight, one-third are obese;
* Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School for Public Health projects 86% of Americans could be overweight or obese by 2030 if present trends continue!
* The Center for Disease Control: in 2008 obesity-related medical bills cost the country approximately $147 billion. An obese person annually had approximately $1,400 more in medical bills compared to a healthy-weight patient;

Beyond the cost savings, losing weight helps you feel better in several ways, like decreased joint pain, increased flexibility and more energy. It may also save you money. As I wrote last week an increasing number of government agencies and corporations are charging obese employees more for health coverage.

You’ve been inundated with weight-loss advice (exercise and a healthy diet), but did you know that sleeping better can help, too?

Bad diets and bad sleep enable each other:
* University of Pennsylvania study: after a four-hour night’s sleep, people are more likely to choose handy junk food;
* Other studies show that we devour more calories after a few consecutive nights of poor sleep because of changes in appetite-regulating hormones. Ghrelin, which signals hunger, increases, while leptin, which suppresses appetite, decreases;
* May issue of Psychoneuroendocrinology: chronic insomniacs experience a significant disruption in nighttime ghrelin levels therefore have an increase in appetite during the day, leading to weight gain over time;
* Inadequate sleep causes an increase in the stress hormone cortisol, which increases cravings for high-carb, high-calorie “comfort foods;”
* The brain secretes growth hormones during deep-sleep, necessary for helping the body convert fat to fuel. Without enough deep sleep, fat accumulates;
* Sleep-deprived people exercise less, so burn fewer calories;
* The journal Cell Metabolism: mice fed a high-fat diet stayed up nibbling, while mice on a normal diet slept soundly. So:
o Avoid food high in protein or fat within three hours of bedtime since your body has to work harder to digest them;
o Don’t go to bed on an empty stomach, munch on complex carbohydrates like fruits and vegetables;

Sleep expert Michael Breus, clinical director of the sleep division at Southwest Spine and Sports in Scottsdale, Arizona says that there is no magic number of hours people should sleep but that the average adult needs about five 90-minute sleep cycles per night, so 7.5 hours seems optimal as a minimum. Getting enough sleep probably isn’t enough to achieve long-term weight loss but Breus says, “What these findings suggest is that there’s a new triad to achieving a healthy weight: diet, exercise and enough sleep.”

The comfort of doing nothing about weight loss today isn’t worth the potential negative consequences tomorrow. At least by getting more regular sleep you’ll not just discourage weight gain, you’ll also function better physically, emotionally and mentally.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Order her newly published book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, at http://www.letyourbodywin.com/bookstore.html.

2009-09-27T16:54:00.001-04:00

Jealousy of fiancé can develop into a self-fulfilling prophesy
Stress for Success
October 6, 2009

Dylan lives in fear of losing his fiancé. He doesn’t trust her and becomes enraged when she talks to other men. If he continues, his jealousy can become a self-fulfilling prophesy, pushing her away and ultimately losing her. Excessive jealousy in isn’t an attractive mate-trait.

Thesaurus words for jealousy include envy, resentment, protectiveness, suspicion, and distrust. Each is very stressful and emotionally exhausting. Far more menacing, jealousy is also the leading cause of homicide.

On the other hand, a little jealousy can be a good thing in a relationship. In small amounts it shows that you care.

Feeling inadequate fuels jealousy. You’re likely to project it onto your partner as anger through spying on him, trying to control him, and blaming him for how rotten you feel. But what you should do is look inside yourself for your own insecurities, which are what trigger your jealousy. After all, those most vulnerable to this toxic emotion are those who are the most self-doubting. Jealousy says more about you than about the perceived misdeeds of your mate.

Psychologist David Buss along with a Spanish colleague in a yet-to-be-published study found that jealousy is closely associated with two of the “big five” personality traits, both of which are influenced by heredity and environment in approximately equal proportions. Jealousy is:
* Positively associated with neuroticism (emotional instability), with tendencies toward anger, anxiety and depression; a common tactic used to discourage a partner from straying is increased vigilance;
* Negatively related to agreeableness (cooperative and compassionate versus suspicious and antagonistic); common tactics include yelling, insulting and undermining a mate’s self-esteem, cutting a partner off from friends and family, or threatening violence;
None of these tactics is likely to increase trust and intimacy, both necessary for a healthy long-term relationship.

“The formula for jealousy,” says psychologist Steven Stosny, “is an insecure person times an insecure relationship.” Insecure people tend to destabilize relationships and make them insecure.

To keep jealousy from wrecking your relationship family therapist Lori Gordon suggests:
* Nurturing your relationship to discourage jealousy in the first place;
* Deciding if you want to confront your mate with your suspicions; at minimum don’t obsess about them;
* Use “I” statement if you choose to say something:
o “I noticed that you’re coming home late,” versus “You’re always coming home late …”
* Focus on your mate’s troubling behavior (e.g., arriving home late) versus negatively judging him (you’re inconsiderate for not calling);
* Use this formula:
o “I notice …” (that you’ve arrived home after 7:00 three times this week.)
o “I assume that it means …” (you’re working later than you typically do.)
o “I wonder …” (why that is and if you’d tell me and whether there is more to it.)
Give your partner time to respond and see where this leads.

Finally, Dylan’s jealousy means he’s feeling unlovable. Instead of doing something that exercises power over her like yelling he’d be wise to do something that makes him more loveable to her. What a great idea!

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Her new book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, is now available at www.letyourbodywin.com. Go to her blog, http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com for past articles.

2009-09-21T17:03:00.001-04:00

Simple steps for finding great spouse
Stress for Success
September 22, 2009

In the 1990s I conducted a crazy, evening workshop, “How to Find and Keep a Mate.” In city after city my audiences consisted of hundreds of mostly disgruntled women and a few curious men. My approach to this topic was to pursue what gives you meaning and pleasure. By doing so you’ll put yourself in contact with like-minded people. And if you’re happy you’ll attract happier people. If you’re depressed you’ll repel some – or you’ll attract other despondent souls.

It seems the more you look for a partner the less likely you are to find one; thus my approach for this program. But here are some thoughts to use in your search:

Put yourself out there. Escaping through nightly TV is a recipe for meeting no one. What interests you? Tennis? Volunteering? Go do it, but not exclusively for meeting a potential mate but rather for your own good.
Consider on-line dating to see who’s out there.
“Love the one you’re with.” This 1970 Stephen Stills song was my anthem. I knew I didn’t want to settle down as I was soon entering the Peace Corps. I had seen too many (mostly) females turn every date into a potential candidate for marriage. What pressure! Think about it logically: if you date twenty people, and on average you’ll marry just two to three of them, then you’ll never marry the vast majority. Just enjoy their company and don’t try to force a relationship.
Sometimes good enough is truly good enough. Too many people have unrealistic, expectations of finding the perfect mate. They don’t exist! And even if you think you’ve found one it’ll take only a few months to discover their imperfections.
Broaden your horizons: Do you reject those who are less than perfect? Consider changing. If you only date those with advanced degrees, date someone with no degree or a lesser one. If you only date beautiful people, date someone who doesn’t rise to that standard. You may surprise yourself with whom you find enjoyment.
Write ten qualities that represent your values that you want your ideal mate to have (like humor versus which type of car does s/he drives). Are there deal-breaker traits, like not wanting kids? It’s important to know these ahead of time.
“Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you,” asked my father of any of us kids who’d been dumped. It rang very true with me so when a boyfriend pulled away from me I’d give him space with no attempt to reel him back in. To a person they couldn’t stand my indifference to their distancing themselves. But I truly didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t want to be with me. Duh!

There’s much research documenting how healthy, close relationships protect you from the ravages of stress. The key word is “healthy”. Whatever makes you feel good about yourself is what’s truly healthy for you. Don’t settle for anything less.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Her new book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, is now available at www.letyourbodywin.com. Go to her blog, http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com for past articles.

2009-09-01T10:03:00.000-04:00

Changing something about yourself can be stressful
Stress for Success
September 1, 2009

Virtually everyone has something about themselves they don’t like. Whether it’s a habit like smoking or a perceived interpersonal deficit like defensiveness, we all have something we’d like to change about ourselves.

Forcing yourself to change probably doesn’t work. Last week I addressed an important reason why: ambivalence. While you want to change for certain reasons at the same time you don’t want to for others. Since all change equals stress any behavioral modification triggers your fear of the unknown. Until you consciously process these opposing forces you’re unlikely to make progress.

For example, you’re working very long hours to increase your income to pay your bills but also neglecting your family in the process. To make tough decisions about work/life balance it helps to identify and reconcile this tug-of-war: make more money and spend more time with your family. Becoming more aware of your mental conflict can create discomfort with the status quo, which can motivate you to figure out a better balance.

To support clarifying and challenging your ambivalence, apply Dr. Mary Ann Chapman’s advice, “The key to breaking a bad habit (remaining too sedentary) and adopting a good one (exercising) is making changes in your daily life that minimize the influence of the now and remind you of the later.” In other words:
* Minimize the immediate reward of doing nothing (the nonthreatening TV watching versus exercising);
* Make the long-term negative consequences of not exercising (carrying too much weight causing physical discomfort or depression and anxiety) seem more immediate;

Instead of excuse after excuse to avoid exercise, remind yourself how tired you are of being exhausted and emotionally stuck.

Another vital tool to help you change is becoming much more consciously aware of your disagreeable behavior. Observing yourself exhibiting this unwanted behavior is called mindfulness or the observing self. For instance, if you express your stress through over-eating, observe yourself as you stuff yourself. Don’t try to change it, just watch it. The derived awareness is a huge help in changing at some point.

Susan, a coaching client, observed herself overeating for a month. It put her much more in touch with the stressors that were triggering it. She learned that her main trigger was phone calls from her parents. Becoming mindful of this connection motivated her to replace eating with yoga after a parental phone call.

Mindfulness requires personal responsibility as well as cultivates it. It’s much easier to blame your weight gain on genetics or rationalizations like, “eating helps me cope.” But, observing yourself exhibiting this self-destructive habit drives home to you that you alone are in charge of what you put inside your mouth.

Most change is very difficult. To be successful you must be patient, persistent and above all conscious of yourself as you engage in your undesirable behavior. Scare yourself a bit with the negative consequences of changing nothing. With time you’ll hopefully become uncomfortable enough with the status quo to take the leap and make the desired change.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Her new book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, is now available at www.letyourbodywin.com. Go to her blog, http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com for past articles.

2009-08-25T12:08:00.001-04:00

Listen to your hesitations if you want to modify your behavior
Stress for Success
August 25, 2009

What’s the most difficult change you’ve ever attempted? Losing weight, quitting drinking or smoking? It’s tough. If change were easy we wouldn’t continue to have 20% of American adults smoking, more than 30% being significantly overweight and about 15% binge drinking.

Whether you’re trying to change your jealous ways or accomplish a New Year’s resolution you may assume any failure is because of your stubborn, self-sabotaging or addictive ways. But in “Ambivalence in Psychotherapy” authors David Angola and Hal Arkowitz argue that dealing with ambivalence is vital to paving the way to change.

People who want to change but can’t (won’t) are pulled in two competing directions by opposite motivations: to change and to stay the same. The balance between these predicts who changes and who doesn’t

Ambivalence is fed by:
* The status quo being familiar and predictable, albeit possibly uncomfortable, and change being unpredictable and anxiety producing;
* The fear of feeling even worse if you fail in your efforts;
* Others pushing you to change so you may resist because your independence feels threatened;
* Faulty beliefs, like “I can’t socialize unless I’ve had a few drinks;”
* The clinging to the undesirable behavior because it serves and important function, like the alcoholic who finds that drinking relieves stress and depression – temporarily; changing (stopping drinking) may eliminate their only way to deal with this distress.

Of course, to help someone change it’s important that they want to change. Pressuring them is likely to backfire. Researchers at the University of New Mexico found that for problem drinkers, directive-confrontational therapy led to significantly more resistance and poorer outcomes one year later than more supportive approaches.

One of these researchers, William Miller and another, psychologist Stephen Rollnick of the Cardiff University School of Medicine in Wales, developed the therapeutic approach, “motivational interviewing.” This attempts to improve the client’s natural motivation to change by exploring and resolving his ambivalence. The goal is to put the client (rather than the therapist) into the driver’s seat for change. The therapist – or loved one - sees a client’s resistance to change as ambivalence to be understood rather than opposed.

To help resolve ambivalence the therapist is supportive and points out the client’s statements that reflect conflict between his behavior and values. E.g., “So you value exercise but your smoking makes it difficult.” Awareness of such inconsistencies creates discomfort with the status quo therefore increases motivation to change. To help resolve ambivalence the therapist focuses more on the client’s words about changing versus their unwillingness to change. Once those uncertainties are dealt with, behavioral change is more likely to occur. In fact, University of Arizona researchers found a 51% improvement rate for motivational interviewing compared with 37% for other interventions or no treatment at all.

You can use this same approach to help yourself or a loved one transform. Listening to and understanding your hesitations to change versus pressuring yourself to change can tip the balance in favor of taking the plunge and actually making the change.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Her new book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, is now available at www.letyourbodywin.com. Go to her blog, http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com for past articles.

2009-08-18T11:22:00.001-04:00

Procrastination seldom pays off
Personality traits add to propensity to delay
Stress for Success
August 18, 2009

When you have an unpleasant task that’s tedious, distasteful, or daunting do you put it off? Do you exaggerate its unpleasantness by avoiding it instead of reaping the rewards for acting now? If so, you likely allow other activities to distract you while you promise you’ll get to it tomorrow. When tomorrow comes, you probably find another excuse.

University of Calgary economist Piers Steel defines procrastination as “voluntarily delaying an intended course of action despite expecting to be worse off for the delay.” Fifteen to 20% of adults routinely delay activities that would be better accomplished now. His 2007 meta-analysis found 80 - 95% of college students procrastinate regularly!

But postponement takes its toll:
* Financial: how many Baby Boomers put off saving for retirement?
* Job loss: chronic procrastinators could make their jobs vulnerable due to being inefficient;
* Endangering health: a 2006 study by psychologist Fuschia Sirois of the University of Windsor in Ontario found that procrastinators had more stress and acute health problems than those who were more timely.

Certain genetic characteristics increase the likelihood that you’ll pick up this habit, such as these “five big personality traits”:
* Conscientiousness
* Agreeableness
* Neuroticism
* Openness
* Extroversion

The extent to which a person exhibits each of these traits influences their likelihood to procrastinate. The characteristic most strongly linked to procrastination is the lack of conscientiousness. A highly conscientious person is responsible, action-oriented and productive so less likely to dilly-dally.

Impulsive people are also at risk for procrastination due to their more spontaneous approach to life and responsibilities.

Anyone is likely to dawdle over something they have an uneasy feeling about and stalling allows them to avoid the discomfort. The most common drivers of procrastination include:
* Anxiety such as fear of failure (anxiety being an offshoot of neuroticism): for example, not studying for a test after which you console yourself by thinking, “If I’d studied harder I would have done better.”
* Avoidance of discomfort: like avoiding confronting a conflict;
* Indecision: can’t make up your mind about executing a task so you resist until enough time passes that there’s no reason to do the task you’re avoiding.
* Arousal: you claim you work best under pressure and love the high of your own adrenaline but it’s just an excuse to rationalize dragging your feet.

Recognizing your procrastination drivers can help you overcome them. Regardless of the reasons, the most common advice to limit procrastination is to:
* Replace your automatic tendency to postpone with specific goals, action steps and deadlines. For example, instead of setting vague goals like, “I’ll market myself,” be more specific, “I’ll spend 9 – 11:00 a.m. daily in promotional activities.”
* Just get started. Do any step, even if only a tiny one. Any impetus is good.

Typically, negative anticipation of any given task is worse than jumping in and getting it done. So go for a twofer: get something done on time and reduce your stress! Just do it! (Now I’m off to do my marketing.)

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Her new book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, IS NOW available at www.letyourbodywin.com. Go to her blog, http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com for past articles.

2009-08-11T15:03:00.000-04:00

Perfectionism causes more stress than it’s worth
Put more time in your life and don’t sweat it
Stress for Success
August 11, 2009

Do you need life to be perfect? What happens when it isn’t? Are you perceived as imperfect yourself? Is that what worries you?

Here’s a perfect (forgive the pun) definition of a perfectionist: “One who takes great pains and gives them to others.” Source unknown.

For example, when you have guests coming for dinner, do you exhaust yourself obsessively cleaning and cooking for them so that preparation becomes more important than your guests? Is preparation truly your top priority for the evening?

Part of the problem with perfectionists is that they tend to see things as white and black: either you prepare perfectly or not at all. So the perfectionist knocks herself out and ends up yawning over dinner.

Women more than men have been socialized to be perfect: perfectly nice, to NEVER hurt anyone’s feelings, to always be clean and smell good (your homes, too), and not to lose your temper – it’s very unladylike.

I’ve known a few male perfectionists but far more women.

Part of the problem for any perfectionist, male or female, is that we judge others by our own impossible standards. Who can live up to them? And when they don’t, we become judgmental of them leading to more conflict and stress.

To decrease your perfectionist expectations of others start with this rule (be careful how you read this): “I won’t should on you if you won’t should on me.” Source unknown.

When someone disappoints you, listen for the “should” in your assessment of what they’re doing “wrong.”

For example, your boss didn’t give you any positive feedback on your recent project that was widely praised by others. Your reaction was, “If I were the boss I’d compliment employees’ good work.” You’re shoulding on him. The implied should is, “He should give positive feedback.”

No doubt employees’ good work should be praised. But has your boss complimented you historically? If not, what leads you to expect him to change?

The problem is that through your perfectionist (and judgmental) eyes, you think it’s perfectly realistic to expect that he will. But that’s where most of your stress is coming from – your unrealistic expectations that someone beyond your control will change. Your stress is far less from his actual lack of approval.

To reduce at least some of your perfectionism follow additional advice, some of which is from “How to Put More Time into Your Life” by Dr. Dru Scott:
* Strive for excellence not perfection.
* Get comfortable with “good enough” for lesser priorities.
* Use headlines in books and magazines to choose what to read.
* Prioritize your responsibilities. Ask if the time required to accomplish unimportant tasks would be better spend on something that’s a higher priority.
* Each day, do at least one thing imperfectly.

Take it from a recovering perfectionist, perfectionism causes far more stress than it’s worth

Life really does go on when you reduce some of your too-high expectations of yourself and others. Plus, more realistic expectations lead to lower stress.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Her new book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, IS NOW available at www.letyourbodywin.com. Go to her blog, http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com for past articles.

2009-08-04T08:43:00.001-04:00

Put more time in your life
Habits can be wasting your most precious resource
Stress for Success
August 4, 2009

“Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of.” Benjamin Franklin.

Yet every day virtually everyone squanders time. Some of the most common ways are explained through Dr. Dru Scott’s five habitual, compulsive time habits from her excellent time management book, “How to Put More Time into Your Life”. She estimates that 50 – 90% of one’s time is spent unproductively chained to the behaviors implicit in these patterns.

To maximize your time the first step is to become conscious of your present time use. Decide if any of the following four styles of time misuse describe you (I’ll cover perfectionism next week). If so, her advice can help you move beyond your habitual choices:

Hurry Up! Always in a hurry:
* Get enough excitement/stimulation in your life so you don’t have to depend upon your last-minute-adrenaline-rush to get it;
* Do central (the most important) priorities first;
* Precede planning with SMART (specific, measurable, action-oriented, realistic and timely) goals;
* Keep your personal calendar/pda up-to-date and use it faithfully;
* Slow down many things you do: your driving by 5 m.p.h., brushing your teeth, eating, etc.

Like Me! Wasting time trying to please others by saying “yes” when you’d rather say “no”: Assertiveness training is strongly advised, plus:
* Rate others’ requests according to your own priorities (as covered in last week’s article): Are they Central (most important), Secondary (what you have to do but these tasks don’t lead to important goals) or Marginal (the unimportant) to you reaching your own goals;
* Practice saying “no” in advance to requests that distract you from your own priorities;
* Assertively tell others what you want in situations;
* Daily identify your priorities and do something toward the most important ones;
* Use written “to-do” lists and stick to them;

Good Student! Try hard even when it’s for low priority concerns:
* Clarify the day’s objectives before deciding what to do;
* Give the appropriate amount of time to each activity based on its importance;
* Divide big projects into smaller pieces;
* Ask, “What’s an easier way to accomplish this?”
* Use technology to increase efficiency;

Rock of Gibraltar! Always disciplined and rational:
* Consider the negative consequences to others and to you of letting them lean on you too much;
* Develop people around you by delegating effectively; train them where necessary;
* Learn to trust others as they prove themselves to you;
* Minimize your negative judgments of others who do things differently;
* Make time for R & R;
* Set realistic deadlines for yourself and for others through effective scheduling;

Everyone has reasons for neurotically engaging in one or more of these five compulsive habits. I know from experience that you can significantly decrease the hold these largely unconscious beliefs have over you. Lower your time stress through mindful attention to discover why you make your automatic time choices (e.g., “I’ll upset him if I say ‘no’,”) and to change them.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Her new book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, will soon be available at www.letyourbodywin.com. Go to her blog, http://stressforsuccess.blogspot.com for past articles.

2009-07-28T08:42:00.000-04:00

Prioritize your time investments
Stress for Success
July 28, 2009

Here’s great time management advice: not everything will get done so focus on the important and ignore the trivial.

The first time I read this I almost had a heart attack! Not everything will get done? Impossible! But if everything’s a priority then nothing is. I used to race from task to task giving each equal attention. Dr. Dru Scott’s “How to Put More Time into Your Life” woke me up to my folly.

Since our time choices are mostly unconscious it’s easy to assume you’re efficient. The only way to truly know, however, is to keep a time log. Dr. Scott recommends one with five columns:
* “From/to”: E.g., 8:00 – 8:15 a.m. Record all you do in 15 – 30 minute increments for one week whether for just work time or 24/7.
* Activity: Briefly describe each activity you tackle and with whom, where appropriate. “Three phone calls: Jennifer about accounting, Jim about the XYZ project, Charlene regarding Saturday’s party.” When in a meeting for 90 minutes obviously log it just once.
* The next three columns are labeled “C,” “S,” “M.” After the week return to each task and check the appropriate column regarding its importance using Scott’s priority system:
o Central: the most important activities that lead you directly toward your goals. Schedule your best time to work on Centrals.
o Secondary: tasks you must do but they don’t lead you directly toward your goals, like paperwork. Schedule regular, specific time for these. If you discover that you spent three hours doing Secondary tasks at work block off three hours of work time to focus on these. Since they’re secondary in importance you could schedule them during hours with more interruptions but set aside more than three hours.
o Marginal: the most unimportant activities. Avoid these unless you have absolutely nothing left to do.

My first time log shocked me. I spent an unbelievable amount of energy on Marginal and Secondary tasks, woefully neglecting my Centrals. Much of my reason was perfectionism.

Her book helped me become a recovering perfectionist. It taught me to strive for perfection only on my Central activities. It astounded me that making the bed daily was Marginal and didn’t have to be done! This standard was my mother’s but I could let it go! This may seem silly to some but it was revolutionary to me at the time. Now our bed gets made when I change the bedding and when we have guests. And the sky didn’t fall! Even my mother didn’t care!

To manage your time better make conscious choices to override automatic ones. Keep a time log for one week and notice if you exhibit one or more of the five compulsive time uses that Dr. Scott identified:
* Hurry Up!
* Be Perfect!
* The Rock!
* Good Student!
* Like Me!

In 1989 I saw myself in four of the above five! Dr. Scott’s advice helped me curb each of them significantly. I’ll pass on her advice over the next two weeks.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., is a speaker and a Stress Coach. Her new book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple, will soon be available at www.letyourbodywin.com. Call her at 239-693-8111 for information about her presentations on this and other topics.

2009-07-21T14:14:00.000-04:00

Make wise choices on how you spend time
Stress for Success
July 21, 2009

Is lack of time one of your biggest stressors?

But how can that be when you have all the time there is - 24 hours a day? How can a Martha Stewart accomplish incredible things while others do so little with the same amount of time?

Because time management isn’t about “finding” more time it’s about managing yourself better.

If you have impulses like, “I have to clean the house,” and “I must help those around me,” you may operate out of one or more of the following “compulsive time use” habits identified by author Dr. Dru Scott:
* The Rock: others depend upon you;
* Like Me: say “yes” when you want to say “no;”
* Be Perfect: everything must be right;
* Good Student: A for effort;
* Hurry Up! Always in a hurry;

Do any of these describe your habitual time use motivations? Dr. Scott estimates that approximately 80% of your time may be spent compulsively (obsessively). When you’re a perfectionist, for example, it doesn’t occur to you that some things are entirely fine imperfectly done or that people don’t always have to do things your way (even though your way is better).

Red flags that you’re compulsively using your time include having lots of have tos, musts and shoulds. These amorphous decrees are rigid and lead you to operate unconsciously without contemplating your true options: you avoid conscious responsibility for daily choices.

If you’ve been shoulding on yourself forever it’s hard to know why you blindly follow your unwritten rules. Suffice it to say, you learned your imperatives and haven’t challenged them enough to decide which to discard.

One thing’s certain, as long as you continue to believe you have to do this or must do that, nothing will change.

If time feels like an enemy take responsibility by making conscious choices about your time investments:
* Keep track on paper for a week whenever you do something because you think you should, must or have to.
* Substitute with “prefer”, “want” or “choose” to identify which to stop doing for the subsequent month. Stop doing some things you should do but prefer not to do. (Weigh the consequences. If you prefer not to feed your kids and some are too young to feed themselves, you have to feed them.)
* Discontinue doing easier things first, like if you typically run errands for your parents on the weekend and you fear they’d be upset if you stopped, even though you want to stop, choose another area in which to protect your time. Eventually you can set limits even with your parents and see that the world doesn’t end.

We all have rules imposed on us by parents and society that continue to dominate us. Question the wisdom of adhering to those that unduly stress you. Change some of your choices to lower your stress. Over time you’ll learn to become more in charge of your own standards, which puts you in the driver’s seat of your own life.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. E-mail her at www.jackieferguson.com or call 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.

2009-07-07T08:22:00.000-04:00

There’s an important difference between judgments, behaviors
Stress for Success
July 7, 2009

Often in interpersonal conflicts we forget that it takes two to tango. We’re so focused on what the other person’s doing “wrong” and what they “should” be doing instead that we lose sight of what we add to the situation, eroding personal responsibility.

For example, in a common workplace conflict an employee with no kids thinks it’s unfair when she’s expected to take on more after-hour responsibilities to free up her parent co-workers with childcare responsibilities. One complained to me about a colleague, “She’s so selfish. It never occurs to her that I’m stuck here until 6:30 while she waltzes out the door at 5:00!”

Her statement makes clear that she’s convinced that her colleague is “causing” her stress. But by labeling her colleague selfish she dodges responsibility for her own role and becomes part of the problem. Negatively judging others is like spreading fertilizer to grow a conflict. And that’s her responsibility.

And does the parent co-worker even perceive a conflict? If not, how can she be expected to alleviate the injustice?

If I could wave a magic wand over everyone on earth, myself included, it would be to avoid the destructiveness and resulting conflict that judging others negatively grows.

You can become much more a part of the solution by replacing your negative judgments of others with the facts of the situation and the behaviors of the party with whom you have a problem.

There’s a huge difference between judgments and facts/behaviors:
* Judgments are interpretations; they’re not necessarily facts, and they vary person to person. They tend to be adjectives describing someone: lazy, inconsiderate, arrogant, etc. You see someone as rude I see the person as enthusiastic. It’s a matter of perspective.
* Facts are facts and consistent person to person. Anyone observing a situation could observe the same facts. Behaviors are factual and can be videotaped. Behaviors are verbs. The person “does” something like talk, interrupt, etc.

In the above example the judgment is that the colleague is “selfish.” But selfish cannot be videotaped since it’s an adjective therefore in the mind of the beholder. What did the person “do” that leads to this judgment? Factually/behaviorally, the co-worker “left at 5:00.”

To lower stress and resolve conflicts more easily our friend would be wise to focus on the facts and her co-worker’s behavior: Tuesday she left at 5:00 and I stayed until 6:30. Period.

To take appropriate responsibility in your conflicts don’t assume your judgments are accurate. Think before you address the situation:
* Identify your negative judgments and commit to letting them go;
* Identify the facts and behaviors of the situation;
* Decide if they’re worth confronting;
* If so, address the person about the facts/behaviors not the judgments;

Defensively judging others and assuming we’re right makes it difficult to focus on the factual. Accurate or not, approaching someone from a judgmental point of view will set up almost sure conflict escalation. At minimum, stay conscious when you judge and accept at least partial responsibility for the outcome it produces.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her new book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple is available at www.jackieferguson.com. Call her at 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.

2009-06-30T10:29:00.001-04:00

Stay in the driver’s seat of your life to manage stress
Stress for Success
June 30, 2009

Personal responsibility seems like an old-fashioned notion in our rights-oriented society. But to effectively manage stress and be in the driver’s seat of your life you must hold yourself accountable for your action AND inaction. Mostly, don’t allow others to drive you and don’t drive for others, that’s their job.

Highly responsible people tend to achieve more and feel more in control so are less stressed. They’re proactive in making the life changes they deem important vs. reactive, waiting for someone else to make things better.

The bottom line is that your life, well-being, health and happiness are your responsibility. Blame your parents (and some have pretty darn good reasons), society, or whatever is handy for what’s wrong. Ultimately, however, the buck stops with you for your life.

Two opposite personality types have trouble with this.
1) The victim who believes that what goes wrong is beyond his control and is caused by others who, therefore, must change. Habitual shirking of responsibility puts victims into the most stressed-out position for they don’t see options to improve their lives.

His reasons include, “Society won’t let me succeed.” “My parents set me up to fail.” These statements make clear who’s at fault and it certainly isn’t him!

But here’s the danger. Let’s use the belief, “I never get a fair shake.” This could propel him to avoid taking initiative at work, for example, and then complain that others are treated better. He never sees how his inaction contributes to the outcome.

2) At the opposite end are those who take responsibility for others; the rescuer or the people-fixer.

She (I purposely use “she”) focuses on how others don’t live up to her expectations. She tries desperately to fix her mate and kids; how they dress, talk or handle their lives. She knows the right way to do things and by golly she’s going to “help” them! Invariably the target of her tinkering becomes defensive because the implication is that her target is inferior. Who takes kindly to that?

Both extreme personalities confuse boundaries. The victim waits for you to fix things for him. The fixer thinks she should fix you. It’s no wonder these two opposites often attract one another. They both also “expect” others to change rather than changing themselves to get a different result. The truth, however, is you can only control your choices not others’.

Both need to honor their own boundaries:
* What’s within their control? (Themselves and their choices)
* What’s beyond their control? (Everything else)

Investing your energy into what’s actually within your control makes for healthier choices that more effectively bring about your desired outcomes. If you err on the victim side be more proactive; grab the bull by the horns more often. If you’re a fixer accept others more as they are. If you want a different outcome change something you’re doing versus assuming the other “should” change. To do anything else is a waste of energy and a sure formula for more stress.

2009-06-23T08:29:00.000-04:00

You are seldom blameless when you’re “caught”
Taking responsibility helps reduce stress
Stress for Success
June 23, 2009

I recently spent time with an adorable youngster with the not-so-adorable tendency to blame others for his actions. When confronted by adults about his misbehavior he quickly pointed the finger at others. If this habit continues into adulthood he’ll remain immature and become a far less competent stress manager.
We all blame others sometimes, but doing so habitually robs you of a strong sense of personal responsibility. Being accountable is essential to developing an “internal locus of control,” (ILOC) the belief that you have can handle what comes your way; that you control your destiny. Having an ILOC automatically lowers your stress and enhances your coping ability. The opposite, assuming you lack control, the most stressful of beliefs, leads to defensively finding fault outside the self.

Additional traits help explain why one person manages exceptionally stressful events well while another falls apart over much less provocation, such as:
* Awareness of what you contribute to your stress;
* Honesty and assertiveness with yourself and others;
* Perception of stress as challenges versus threats;
* Self-confidence and a less emotional reaction to stress;
* Creative thinking for problem-solving;
* Putting solutions into action to exercise your influence;
* A sense of humor;
* Hope and optimism facilitate challenging overly-negative thoughts with more realistic ones so your thinking doesn’t become more stressful than the situation itself;
* Humility to realize that your way of looking at situations and your solutions may not be the best;

The boy referred to above was chastised for throwing toys inside the house after being told not to do so. He shirked responsibility and blamed other children for starting it thereby violating the first four traits above (he’s too young to appreciate all of them), he:
* Didn’t acknowledge his own involvement;
* Wasn’t honest about it with himself nor the adult;
* Perceived being caught as a threat, reacting defensively;
* Lacked the self-confidence to handle it calmly (he’s just a kid but can gradually learn);

When you’re “caught”, recognize when you blame someone or something else. Occasionally, responsibility does rest outside yourself, but virtually always you add something voluntarily to the situation. Start by acknowledging, at least to yourself, your behavior and its contribution to the outcome.

For example, your boss told you to complete something “a.s.a.p.” Later, she gets angry that you’re not finished yet. You blame her for not being more specific about her deadline. But this overlooks your responsibility to ask for clarification, like, “Just exactly when do you need this?” If she responds in a general way again you could say, “Given my schedule the earliest I can finish this is tomorrow morning. If you need it sooner we’ll need to postpone another task.”

An internal locus of control puts you in the driver’s seat of your own life. It requires personal accountability. Don’t let others drive you through life and blame them for taking you in the wrong direction. Instead, take responsibility for your own action or inaction and give up the blame-game.

Jacquelyn Ferguson, M. S., of InterAction Associates, is a trainer and a Stress Coach. Her new book, Let Your Body Win: Stress Management Plain & Simple is available at www.jackieferguson.com. Call her at 239-693-8111 for information about her workshops on this and other topics or to invite her to speak to your organization.